“According to me, 80-85% of women are right where I want them: completely astonished at how swiftly and effortlessly I remove their bras.”
God, DeAnne. You just get me.
“You’ll never see the color blue THE SAME WAY AGAIN because you’ll be genuinely HIPPOSHIT CRAZY and unable to process primary colors without COLLAPSING INTO A BUCKET OF TEARS.”
As an internationally-acclaimed, world traveling comedian (borderline unemployed vagrant), I know a thing or two about how to live the sweet life on a budget.
This is a gift guide based on DeAnne Smith’s viral video, Nerdy Love Song With Added Kitten Bonus. You’re Welcome
“This is a ridiculous amount of sweat. I know this is hot yoga and everything, but how is there even this much sweat in me? How is this possible? This seems unsafe. Is this normal? Maybe I’m peeing. Am I peeing? How can there be this much sweat in a person? I think it’s pee.”
“I’m still not sure how any of it happens.”
“I wouldn’t put it past Melissa Etheridge to presciently write a song about me and this cat 19 years before our love manifested.”
“Waking up at noon is just one of the many perks of being self-employed, working mostly at night, and not having too much pesky ambition.”
Whether it’s self-imposed deadlines, dinner dates or my menstrual cycle, you can count on me to be at least five minutes to weeks late.
“She was probably going to kick me out. No, she was probably going to call the police. I was going to jail. I was definitely going to jail.”
BUT I’M A COMEDIAN! THIS FEELS WEIRD! WHY IS IT RAINING FROM MY FACE? I DON’T LIKE WEATHER COMING OUT MY EYES.
“Why are my arms so skinny? People can be friendly. Fuck, she’s so cute. Am I getting enough iron?”
“Should I apologize for introducing you to sexy lesbian Lincoln? I don’t want to. I’m not sorry.”
“Psychic Sarah asked me to meditate with her. I did.”
“But you loved it, because it was the one material that could be a shirt, sheets, pajamas or a hand-sewn menstrual pad.”
“Also, you’re welcome. Because let’s be honest, that was a drunken and flexible decade.”
b.) Did I already miss The View?
“Let’s use a metaphor. Let’s say Lindsay Lohan is the moon, and Samantha Ronson is Earth.”
“Much like a tender baby lamb…”