Nerdy Love Song: The Holigay Gift Guide


This is a gift guide based on DeAnne Smith‘s viral video, “Nerdy Love Song With Added Kitten Bonus.” If you haven’t seen that video yet, here it is.

You’re welcome.

For an added texture, scroll down while the song is playing!

I wanna be your abacus, baby. You can count on me.


Japanese Soroban Style Abacus, $14.99

And I won’t say that I love you or I heart you, but I will say less than 3, I less than 3 you.


Show Your Work Tee, $14.99

Your molecules must be moving really quickly, ’cause girl, you’re hot.

caffeine_molecule_necklaceCaffeine Molecule Necklace, $84.99.

Are you igneous, metamorphic or sedimentary? All I know is, baby, you rock.


Agate Bookends, $65.99.

If god existed, I’d thank him for you but I’m rational and I read (a lot of) Sam Harris.


Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. $11.38.

You’re beautiful like the font of Garamond but I wanna see you sans serif.


Garamond Tee, $25.

(take your pants off)


Dinosaur Underwear Three Pack, $32.

I wanna be your abacus, baby. You can count on me.


Round Up Your Thoughts Calculator Notebook, $14.99.

I observe your quarks oscillating, and I’m formulating a g-string theory.


The Little Book of String Theory by Steven S. Gubser, $18.29.

I’m an archaeologist and I’m gonna compute your age, yeah, I wanna absolutely date you.


Pergamon Board Game, $54.99.

You make me feel like a male giraffe. I wanna nudge your rump, make you urinate, and mate you (that’s what they do).


Giraffe Kigurumi, $39.

The value of my love for you cannot be expressed exactly. It’s more irrational than pi.


Achatz Pie Handmade Pie Company’s Signature Michigan 4-Berry Pie, $39. Or you can set up a Pie of the Month Club with My Sugar Pie.

Hey “Fuck” is a legitimate word in Scrabble, just FYI.


Make this thing with your hands! Thank you Hansen!


Donate to the ASPCA in honor of your special someone.

I wanna be your abacus, baby. You can count on me.


Cute and Astute Necklace, $99.99.

You can suck me into the supermassive black hole at the center of your galaxy (I’m talking vagina).


Glow In the Dark Galaxy Boy Shorts, $23.99.

I may not be the biggest or strongest but my knowledge of grammar shines –


Grammatically Correct Dessert Plates (set of 4), $49.99.

I know how to use the words further and farther correctly every freaking time.


I Judge You When You Use Poor Grammar by Sharon Eliza Nichols, $9.99.

Farther indicates physical distance –


1825 World Map Print, $194.

– and further a depth or degree.


Digital Protractor, $19.99.

Example: the moon is getting farther from the earth about 4 centimeters annually (true fact).

f39b_rock_from_moonHoly Crap You Guys It’s a Rock From The Moon! $24.99 – $169.99

Example: you just keep getting further into my heart –


Make this thing with your hands! Thanks again, Hansen!

Wait: you just keep getting farther into my heart –


Customized Long Distance Relationship Pillow, $50.

No, wait: you just keep getting further into my heart –


Pixel Heart Heat Changing Mug, $11.99.

Hang on: you just keep getting farther into my heart –


Coeur Values Tray, $21.99.

I wanna be your abacus, baby. You can count on me.


Equation Watch, $29.99.

If the situation is ambiguous further and farther can be used interchangeably (that’s a rule! I knew that all along).


Painless Grammar, $11.33.

I wanna be your abacus, baby. You can count on me.


Math Equation Bow Tie, $13.99.

And I won’t say that I love you or I heart you but I will say I less than 3 you.


Robot Less Than Three You Card, $4.00.

(please take off your pants)


Adventure Time Boy Shorts (set of 3), $17.99.

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A.E. Osworth

A.E. Osworth is part-time Faculty at The New School, where they teach undergraduates the art of digital storytelling. Their novel, We Are Watching Eliza Bright, about a game developer dealing with harassment (and narrated collectively by a fictional subreddit), is forthcoming from Grand Central Publishing (April 2021) and is available for pre-order now. They have an eight-year freelancing career and you can find their work on Autostraddle (where they used to be the Geekery Editor), Guernica, Quartz, Electric Lit, Paper Darts, Mashable, and drDoctor, among others.

A.E. has written 542 articles for us.


  1. WOW! this is so cool. i feel like i need you to complete/betterize all my songs, jokes, and thoughts from now on. :)

  2. Oh god! I need almost all of these things! and the things I don’t need, I need a person to give those things to!
    So much want!

  3. Could I have Deanne Smith serenade me for Christmas? Even though I’m Jewish and celebrate Hannukah…

  4. This was excellent. Well done!

    Also I may or may not have bookmarked some of these items for long-distance girlfriend’s Christmas gift :P

  5. I never knew I could want a package of underwear so badly. Dinosaurs. Ridiculously comfortable Topman trunks. Ugh. Somebody wanna play Santa?!

  6. This is so adorable, a perfect match to the song. Adventure Time boy shorts! The grammar dessert plates!

  7. This is amazing. Also while watching the nerdy love song video, my cat came over and fell asleep on my lap. DeAnne is kitten bait is what I’m saying.

  8. This is so supremely useful because I have a brother in a PhD math program who I have no idea what I buy for. He’s not queer, but it doesn’t matter. For all the unanswered questions in my life, Autostraddle will provide.

  9. Awesome!

    I want those galaxy boxer shorts, they are amazing :O

    And I’ve actually offered the Equation watch, with great success!

Comments are closed.