Real L Word Episode 203 Recap: Back to Square One, Look What We’ve Become

Welcome to The Real L Word, Episode 203, “Blame it on the Alcohol,” named after the GLEE episode “Blame it on the Alcohol,” which was named after a song called “Blame it on the Alcohol” which was basically about when you do something unfortunate, and then say you only did it “because of the alcohol.”

Actually just kidding, it’s called “Back to Square One.” Before you get too excited, I should tell you that it’s not the Square One I thought it was.

not this square one

This week we re-learned that Real L Word Lesbians cannot handle their shit. These girls CANNOT. HANDLE. THEIR. SHIT. You girls need to get your shit together! Listen, take that zen-ninja-zoohoo-yazoo headband thing off your crazy alternative hairstyle situation and get off the stage and put your clothes on and stop letting strangers smell your hair.

No just kidding. Everyone on this show is really awesome and this show is SO AWESOME and it’s SO TOTALLY REAL. What’s cooler than real? Ice Real!

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We open in trolly playground childland, where only steps away from frolicking toddlers, Kacy & Cori are sitting on a couch holding a mobile telephone, talking about sperm.

yeah totally sperm, it's like sea monkeys for your uterus!

Kacy and Cori are gonna purchase the hell out of those sperm units they found on the internet. How many? One? Two? THREE! They will purchase THREE of those units, from a dude who’s an “ID Donor” which means when their baby is 18 and hates her Two Moms she can call The Sperm Guy and see if he wants to hang out. You know, The Sperm Guy!

mark ruffalo, honorary lesbian and "Sperm Guy"

Glad we got sperm into the show within the first ten seconds. Never wanna take too long to make a tip of the hat to this program’s fine audience of sperm-producers. Ilene Chaiken, by the way, is the creator, director, writer and executive producer of not only this “hit series” but the hit series The L Word and also of SPERM.

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Over in the Valley of Dashed Dreams, Claire’s trying on pants and Francine isn’t helping!

or no pants, too. is a thing.

Francine won’t be participating in Claire’s wardrobe dilemma because unlike Claire, Francine cannot simply set aside her feelings following Last Night’s illuminating life-changing fight of LESBIAN MEGADEATH and be like “yeah, wear those pants” or “wear those other pants.” You know?

look. your hair reminds me of van halen. okay? ok. i said it!

Claire has to move out, says Francine. They’ve been screaming at each other for so many years that both of them are getting permanent gravely-smokey-morning-after-death/sexy voices and it’s just not healthy.

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Things Real L Word Girls Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

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Over at The Nail Salon, Sajdah is getting a pedicure (butches get pedicures too, guys!) with her straight friend Marissa, talking crazy about her new lady-love, Chanel.

So! This morning Sajdah and Chanel were exchanging the standard “good morning” texts shared between two lovers who just met and aren’t lovers yet, when Chanel busted out with:

“I just want you to always be excited about us and about me and support me and protect me in my time of need and I know that I’ll do the same for you.”

Well.

What say you on this, Marissa?

mhm

Marissa: “These kinds of messages, in text? You don’t even know her favorite color! And you’re at — “I need you to protect me”? Get the fuck outta here! I mean, are you kidding me?”

Sajdah likes it. She can’t think about any other girls, so she might as well marry this one. That’s rare, you know. When you meet someone you really like and then can’t stop thinking about them.

Marissa: “Support me? Protect me? I don’t even know your favorite color! I don’t even know if you like night or day!”

Sajdah admits these are uncharted waters, as she’s never been in a relationship before and lived in a tiny cave with her mother prior to moving to Los Angeles where she never heard anything about anyone else’s relationships ever. Marissa has been in relationships, and what does Marissa think, again?

Final answer?

Not so fast:

That’s not what Bailey told Callie:

but it sure is nice if you have 'em anyhow

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

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Whitney’s taking a little trip to San Francisco. San Francisco is her “playground” which makes me feel weird and like maybe I should move. “San Francisco is my Vegas,” says Whitney Queen of the Nile and Queen of the Metaphor.

ass titties ass titties ass as titties ass ass and titties

Whitney’s going to The Lexington, which she describes as “The Cheers of Lesbians,” aka “the dive bar where every dyke knows your name.”  And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.

Oh guess who’s in San Francisco?

same song, second verse, a little bit louder and a lot less worse

Once upon a time, Jaq & Whitney had a thing but then this one time Whitney and Jaq were in bed being sexy and then Whitney spied Jaq on THE FACEBOOK changing her relationship status and Whitney was like:

Whitney says there’s still chemistry with Jaq. Wow! Life gets curiouser and curiouser by the minute.

because L.A. is clearly the problem

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

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Kelsey’s been sexually fantasizing about Romi all day whilst preparing a romantic candle-light dinner and now Romi has returned from the big bad world, sober as a judge, to spend the evening with her lanky lady-love.

Oh! Romi got Kelsey a present! It’s a planner!

Romi:It’s gonna help you!… You can organize your schedule and get all your shit in here!”

Mhm, this is kinda like when your Mom gets you shoes so that you can’t stay at home all day, talking to your imaginary fairy-friends from your fantasy novels. Kelsey loves it though, ’cause she loves Romi.

this dinner's great. are you trying to get laid?

Romi’s given up the drink, which’ll be an issue ’cause Kelsey is still drinking and also ’cause they’ve been drunk pretty much since they met. For example, Kelsey is drinking right now! From a giant wine bottle! A GIANT wine bottle!

i can't believe we can almost see kelsey's underpants. so inappropriate

Kelsey loves wine! Drink drink drink. Poor Romi, seeing the sad sad world as it is through her new sober eyes, is like “why is everyone drunk.”

After Romi’s Roman Bath, the ladies retire/drink:

what, it's manichevitz

Romi tells Kelsey that Kelsey is drunk, but Kelsey insists that nnnnahhh she’s justt FESTIVE!

just one game of hide the salami just one game

When Kelsey’s drunk, she reminds Romi of Romi. So then sex is like Black Swan. And also:

Most important takeaway of this scene, however – Romi’s like super tan all of a sudden:

get this woman a make-up job on "jersey shore"

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

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Meanwhile, Whitney, wearing her Native Heatband, is stalking the streets of my city like a lesbian hulkstress of the evening, striking terror into everybody’s bones.

i thought this was maybe the rose part, and for a second i was like "i miss rose" and then i was like what the fuck is wrong with me

Hip-hop blares. Whitney enters CLUB TRIGGER, stands on stage, and yells some words. Everybody’s vadge explodes into the night. The party is on POW POW and Whitney’s gonna meet her fans and their tattoos! Whitney loves meeting her fans.

real fans have sleeve tattoos

“Girls always wanna smell my hair,” Whitney says, like she has no idea that it’s ’cause they wanna see if it smells so they can text everyone about it.

do we have to talk about this

Whitney wants to let Jaq know that Jaq still has “a place in [her] heart” and the way to Whitney’s heart is through her vagina.

Y’all, Whitney and Jaq are gonna have sex! I saw it on Jaq’s facebook. It’s gone now, but I swear it was there and I saw it and look:

backroom babylon

Whitney: “It’s refreshing to not have to deal with intense drama or confusing emotions.”

Whitney has simple emotions: she thinks about herself at all times. The rest of it is very confusing. This person’s emotions, that person’s emotions, etc. Yawn!

Good news! By placing her lips on Whitney’s lips and touching Whitney’s body parts with her body parts, Jaq is helping Whitney forget about all that trouble with Sara!

i give you the power of the jedi clam

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Speaking of the Red Devil! Sara’s in Los Angeles where she’s dancing very sexily for her “roommate’s music video.”

"this is my barbie goes to the cherokee reservation look"

Sara’s kicking back a bottle of vino, Kelsey-style, in her litte gold hotpants:

I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but our design director Alex Vega has those exact same golden hotpants. True story. She bought them the day that we met. See:

alex vega, just caught napping

Before we get any further you might be thinking — Sara’s roommate? Who’s Sara’s roommate? This seems like a pretty involved video shoot, right? Like this is for a music video. For Sara’s roommate. Yet searching “Sara’s roommate” on iTunes you’ll come up empty.

I know this might surprise you, based on how Showtime decided to use footage from an Autostraddle photoshoot without crediting us, our photographer, or the project the photoshoot was for — but OOPS! THEY DID IT AGAIN!

Check out Lady Tragik. Here’s Lady Tragik’s video of that shoot, featuring ‘Dirty Bitch,’ the song the video was for (which is not the song that plays during the episode, though you may recognize the episode song (which is not by Lady Tragik or related in any way to the scene) from, I think, a Calendar Girls video).

I guess Ilene Chaiken forgets that The Chart isn’t just about who you fuck, it’s WHO GETS FUCKED, too.

Anyhow back to the “storyline” as it’s being sold to us —

“I just met this girl Erica, and I’m pretty into her,” Sara voice-overs while tripping over the photoshoot set while guzzling wine, a la Lindsay Lohan at that one photo shoot where she was talking about Samantha Ronson except with more making out.

no see, that's not much, i should probably drink all of it myself

Sara’s roommate says Sara’s not allowed to do footage takebacks tomorrow when she’s sober. Shouldn’t be a problem, I think Sara’s pretty comfortable with widely-distributed footage of herself drunk touching her vadge.

accurate representation of my visual situation during the real l word

Sara: “Whitney’s doing her thing in San Francisco so I’m gonna do mine.”

Here’s “her’s”:

armsleeve by keith haring, tattoo sleeve by west hollywood

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

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your shirt reminds me of the sunset, the kind i want to watch with chanel while she nurses our baby

Sajdah’s gotta find a new apartment. Maybe she’ll move in with whatshername.

Marissa: “It’s too soon!”
Sajdah: “Maybe I’m just that fucking amazing!”
Marissa: “Or maybe you’re fucking crazy too!”

Sajdah’s Mom calls to complain about Sajdah flaunting her sexuality on The Book of Face, which I’m imagining was in the form of an “I felt you in my legs before I ever met you/ And when I lay beside you for the first time I told you / I feel you in my heart and I don’t even know you” headline.

it's not like i'm pokin at you for real!

Sajdah: “Ma, it’s my personal facebook, everybody puts their personal stuff on facebook!”

That’s the thing about Moms of grown-up kids. They don’t realize that Facebook is where people put personal stuff, not just where they stalk their own children and other people’s children and then render unfair judgments about them to share with other Moms. Where’s your content, Mom.

Sajdah explains that growing up it was just Sajdah and her Mom. Just the two of them, building castles in the sky, just the two of them, and not one guy.

Sajdah seems to have faith her Mom will come around when she gets used to the idea. I’m sure this show will help.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Mom

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RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.

hi baby these weird guys with cameras are following me around asking me to take my shirt off

Jaq’s got to go, but Whitney wants to cuddle. JK, she wants to talk about herself in an impromptu bedside interview:

hot mess party dress

Whitney: “Jaq is very pleasant to be with. She hasn’t burned bridges with people, I don’t know it’s just different from things lately I’ve been used to.”

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Claire’s in her buggy beep beep beep let’s get a job in fashion! Beep beep beep! Claire did all the things for Calvin Klein and now she’s gonna eat Los Angeles like its a carrot and she’s a lesbian rabbit. Her interview went super well and she’s super excited!

beep beep who's got the keys to my sheep

Claire’s gotta pull over, dude. She’s gotta call Viv, dude, ’cause Viv wants to maybe tell Claire about how she feels weird that they change her lower-third every time and this time it says “Claire’s New York Girlfriend” which is weird because Vivian wants to be Claire’s EVERYWHERE girlfriend.

only place in LA where speaker phone won't flip everyone else's shit

They spend somewhere between 2 and 25 minutes trying to get a fight started and eventually Claire gets it up:

Claire: “Like I feel like you — like everything was fine and then I didn’t respond to your BBM and you got this wave of anxiety over you and now you’re just mad and you know, I can’t be talking all the time!”

Can’t you hear how hoarse she is already? She can’t just be talking all the time! She’s got like 15 other things to do including “picking out pants” and “eating.”

"i'm not mad at you per se" -vivian

Vivian: “I’ve already told you many times that’s not what it’s about.”
Claire: “I guess maybe I just feel guilty about it.”
Vivian: “Yeah, that’s not me. ‘Cause I’ve never acted that way towards you.”
Claire: “It’s like you’re asking me questions that I can’t give you the answers to.”

Only God knows!

“I’m not gonna talk to this to death,” says Claire, who subsequently keeps talking until she dies. Before she dies, Vivian points out:

Seems fair. So why is Claire so Classic Rock Montage/drunk guy on the side of the road?

you can check out any time you like but you can never leave

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Mom

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

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“You’re about to leave me,” Sajdah says to Marissa. She’s leaving YOU?! She’s leaving US! Our favorite character, given to us ever-so-briefly and then snatched away, JUST LIKE PAPI.

sajdah i love you but i cannot wait to get away from these cameras

“I’m not about to take dick just ’cause you want me to,” Sajdah says, w/r/t her Mom’s feelings. “Sajdah, I really don’t like you eating pussy,” Marissa says, imitating Sajdah’s Mom’s feelings.

Sajdah's crushwife

Marissa met Chanel and said Sajdah needs to keep her eyes open, lest she forget Chanel’s primary assets (*AHEM*), so Sajdah is gonna go over to Chanel’s straight away and do this thing and totally totally totally not have her eyes even like sorta open.

she will be mine. oh yes, she will be mine.

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Alyssa is so obsessed with Whitney that she’s dragged Rachel all the way to San Francisco to give Whitney more of her opinions about Whitney’s needs/wants/desires. That’s commitment to a character.

whitney's hat is a tribute to rachel's hairdo

Rachel says she’d decided to visit San Fran with [someone] and [someone else] to see Alyssa’s friend [someone] and that she’d assumed she’d stay with Whitney.

Rachel: “I would love to hook up with Whit because we have really amazing chemistry.”

Whitney’s like a human chemistry set. She’s like oxygen. Sodium. Whatever the thing is that goes with all the other things. I was an English major. I just typed “Englsh major,” thank G-d for spellcheck.

Whitney’s surprised, as we all are, that her two roommates were also traveling upstate this weekend and she somehow wasn’t aware of it.

look i came here to promote a party, ok? a party in my PANTS.

Whitney spends so much time washing her hair though, probably had suds in her hair as they were planning:

But Whitney was not prepared to bring Rachel into her bed. She already has Jaq in her bed and Showtime made her promise no orgies in The W this time.

and to be honest, the only i thing i even know how to make is grilled cheese

So where’s Rachel staying? Whitney wants to go back to her hotel but everyone has questions for Whitney. Whitney speaks in tiny sea mammal sounds only heard by Lesbian Whale Watchers.

Whitney: “I don’t know where you’re staying.”
Alyssa: “I thought she was staying with you –” [to her friend] — “I mean she can stay here right, she can totally crash here right?” — [to Whitney] — “All of a sudden you look like you have no energy and you hate your life. Like you’ve been drained by a vampire.”
Whitney: “Uh?”

i see dead people but i wish it was deaf people so these bitches could shut the fuck up

Cut to 2-3 minutes later, when Whitney’s sitting there feeling weird.

Alyssa: “You really look like you hate everybody.”
Whitney: “I’m annoyed.”
Alyssa:” With?”
Whitney: “Oh, you know, I’m just not sure why the right wing is so intent on stripping women of their reproductive rights. And like, what the hell, why hasn’t there been a vote on same-sex marriage in New York? Did you see that video of Dan Choi ripping up the thing at Netroots? G-ddamn!”

Just kidding, that’s not what Whitney said! She just made a weird noise that sounded like the word “her.”

Anyhow, Alyssa thinks Rachel’s feeling a little left out of Whitney’s sexual rotation and Rachel had no idea Jaq was gonna be there! In what appears to be, I think, her own apartment!

Rachel: “That’s typical Whitney.”

don't you think it's weird how we all look the same

This sort of continues along this path. Additional questions aimed at The Whitster include:

Alyssa: “Why are you like a man of few words tonight?”

Alyssa: “Why do you seem like the saddest person in the world, like you saw a murder and then had nothing to say.”

Alyssa: “See, that’s what I’m talking about. What are you a zombie?”

Alyssa: “What happened?”

Listen. I have something to say.

Okay? Furreal. Just leave Whit-me and her special hairstyle and her sexual toys and her promiscuity and her faux-introspective-moments and her headband and her hats and really everything going on from the neck up alone. LEAVE WHITNEY ALONE.

Whitney: “I can’t help but notice that I keep surrounding myself with these women that I dated or I am dating.”

you do you whitney, you do you

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Cori & Kacy are in their apartment with a bunch of other people, talking about sperm. Cori and Kacy CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT SPERM. They’re such fucking addicts, they’ve invited a bunch of other homos over.

pin the tail on the donkey and then take his sperm

Everyone in this show is fucked. Cori & Kacy are addicted to sperm, Whitney’s addicted to sex, Sara’s addicted to sex, and alcohol, and Whitney, and Whitney’s also addicted to Sara, and Romi’s addicted to alcohol and Kelsey is addicted to alcohol and needs sex but Romi doesn’t need sex or she does but she doesn’t wanna do it on camera and Sajdah is addicted to love and Claire is addicted to girlfriends/being selfish but now Claire’s girlfriend’s gonna be selfish too and Francine just really doesn’t want to help Claire pick out her pants.

Meanwhile, Kacy assures all you men watching at home that she knows she’s not a girl and never really filled her sister’s longing for a girl to dress up so THANK GOD Cori’s here with her long long hair to fill that hole in her sister’s heart where Kacy’s feminine identity was. Everyone’s roles are intact.

don't worry i know how to built a fort

Cori to somebody: “You’re straight you should know exactly what to do with sperm!”

Kacy mentions that they’re having people over to tell them about the baby because now it’s “real” and before it was just an idea. But now there is real sperm in the mail! I they ordered it on the internet! You know I did that with Xanax and it took like ten weeks and I think was just Immodium painted blue.

Also, w/r/t “what straight people do with sperm”

Cori: “Every time you swallow, that’s $640 down the drain.”

whaddya say we name him "taylor"?

They should spit that shit up and sell it to lesbians on the internet.

Kacy wants to know what Cori would say if their kid grows up and wants to go meet their Dad. Maybe: “That reminds me of this movie, The Kids Are All Right.

Just so you know, though, when this baby is born and grows up and then Kacy and Cori die, they’ve already picked Godparents! They let their Godparent friends know about their Godparent duties for mysterybaby.

Everyone needs to slow the fuck down. It hasn’t even come in the mail yet and they’re talking about what’ll happen to the kid when they’re DEAD. SLOW YOUR ROLL, SPERMAHOLICS.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

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Romi’s at a pretty party with pretty people where all the pretty people go and they aren’t really all that funny but nobody will know unless they’re sober in which case WHAT A DRAG.

oh hey sajdah and chanel and sara what are you doing here never mind wheee balderdash!

They wanna play “Who Did Who” which is like “The Chart” but even ZANIER! Someone else wants to talk about threesomes with boys! What will they think of next?! Who likes masturbating to girls giving boys blow jobs? Huh?! Yeah?! ANYBODY?!!

festen

I am personally really high right now, there’s no way I could watch this sober, let alone be IN it sober.

Romi: “I don’t know how to be me, because me has been drunk the whole time.”

Preach.

MIKEY WANTS DRINKY

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

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Sajdah & Chanel are on their very first date. Chanel’s wearing her 90’s Action Heroine Tron jacket just in case Sajdah wants to play Star Wars because Sajdah feels “like a 13-year-old boy” because she just came out. See that, men at home? The way Sara makes your pants dance is totally okay, we all summon our inner 13-year-olds when lesbians are around.

oh my god i totally got you confused with this other girl i went out with *FIVE* times

Sajdah tells Chanel “you was born for meeee,” and Chanel’s like NO YOU WERE BORN FOR MEEEEEEE!!!

I see where this is going…

Chanel hasn’t even dated Whitney but she already likes Sajdah for the same reason all of Whitney’s exes love girls other than Whitney —

Chanel: “I just always want to meet someone who was like totally into me because I fall head over heels every time!”

listen. if that butterfly clip is the metal plate between you and jehovah, you better tell me now

Sajdah and Chanel are having a talk that makes me feel more naked than sex. This is so weird! Sajdah decides that she’s gonna ask Chanel to be her girlfriend. They’re gonna go steady, drink sodas, have babies, play on the beach, you know. Things like that.

Sajdah: “At this point, Chanel is damn near begging for me to ask her to be my girlfriend.”

luckily, i brought a pen

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

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Back in The Bay Area, Rachel & Alyssa are talking about their gay rights w/r/t Rachel having sex with Whitney.

because like what does that even mean, you know? what's "a stay" anyhow?

Whitney’s just going around doing her “Whitney things,” says Alyssa. “Going about her everyday Whitney things.” And Rachel expecting Whitney to communicate with her about sleeping arrangements is like this:

what are you telling me unicorns aren't real, i will cut you

You guys! Alyssa is OBSESSED with Whitney. But i mean can there ever be too much conversation about Whitney Mixtner? Hell to the no. That woman is FASCINATING.

Just kidding, um, Rachel’s gonna go out and flirt with “hot San Francisco girls.” But “nobody hairy.”

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

Whitney

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Meanwhile at The Club, Romi’s life is flashing before her eyes and it’s boring. She’s over this. She’s grown up. Look at this hat! Nobody under the age of 63 would wear this hat:

...on camera

Kelsey’s belligerent. “Are you drunk?” Romi says. “No I’m not,” Kelsey says. Can they go like this all night?

Romi: Why can’t we have just like, a smooth night, you know?
Kelsey: It’s just like lately… when do we have a smooth night? Whenever we’re out with other people you’re like — [makes a weird face] — it’s always this thing you know?
Romi: It’s because like, you get drunk or you start like, doing something and I like, watch you and you don’t want me to watch you and then you react to it.
Kelsey: Honey you always deal with it all the time.
Romi: [to the bartender]: Can I get a Red Bull?

It’s difficult to really get too deep into the complexity and detail of this dispute, as obviously it’s occurring on a reading comprehension level far beyond my own.

look maybe i'll feel better after red bull gives me my wings

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Everyone’s gone out but Whitney has wrapped herself in black spandex and is sitting in her room, thinking about the fate of the world. At the club Rachel is like, “Even Jaq was like, where’s Whitney?” I’m surprised she fit that in, they probably had so many other things to talk about. “She’s in her own world, not thinking about anyone but herself,” says Rachel. Right.

Like the Thinker, But Gay

These are my notes on this scene:

A. Whitney talking about herself
B. Whitney getting into bed.

Whitney: “I come from a family of addicts, and I myself have had a history of drug problems. It’s like you can put the bottle down but it doesn’t change your addictive personality, sometimes it just moves on to other things, so now have I supplemented my addiction to substances with my addiction to girls?”

She’s gonna be like that girl who was on Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Rehab and THEN Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Sex Rehab. I think that girl was just addicted to Dr. Drew though. It’s probably because she was talked to in hypnotic-crazy-stern-royal-blue-shirt-wearing-Dr-Drew voices as a baby, and now every time she sees a tire swing, she has a seizure. La la la.dotted-divider2

We catch up with our dashing damsels in a taxi cab, where Kelsey is intoxicated and Romi is not and so basically we continue down the same philosophical pathway we abandoned at The Club.

Romi: “I know, that’s you, you’re drunk, you drink a lot.”
Kelsey: “I can — do — I can drink a lot.”
Romi: “You drank a lot tonight. Like all the vodka there, the vodka on the way, champagne–”
Kelsey: “Can we have sex?”

Romi’s been in a “funk,” she says, explaining why the well of sex has run dry.

“I hate it, I hate it,” Kelsey says over and over and Romi says “I know” and then Romi reminds her that she’s drunk and Romi’s sober.

Kelsey: “Okay, I’m drunk, and you’re sober!”

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

Whitney

All the Vodka there

All the Vodka on the Way

Kelsey says sex is all she has with Romi and if they don’t have sex what do they have? Talking about sex, that’s what.

They have to do this thing. It’s that or order sperm from the internet, and I think Cori & Kacy are pretty possessive of that particular topic.

pants on or off? off? ok off.

Kelsey wants to fuck the shit out of Romi but Romi would prefer a bath — but then, as she tells it, Kelsey was sad and crying and so Romi was like, okay, let’s fuck.

this would be a good time to tell you that actual scissoring happened

Romi explains the next day that Kelsey was breaking down crying and so Romi, being the brave young soldier that she is, was like, “okay, this needs to end.”

the planner was empty! every single page!

Yup. Big sex scene! Looks like they got to film it themselves though like in special lighting so you don’t see, you know, like EVERYTHING. But also, you know.

Fun!

Kelsey: “Baby, I squirted!”

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watch and learn

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Whitney is still in San Francisco.

don't wanna miss my alcatraz tour

Get out of here! What is wrong with you insane, lunatic humans?!! Who the hell is she talking about. Okay put on your Newsie outfit, go seize the day.

Crescent, aka Whitney's Signature Sexual Move

Ta-ta.

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Ah, it’s the morning after a long night of sex caught on camera. Did you forget? Good, neither did Kelsey.

omg remember what it's like to wake up liking each other

This scene of sexual conquest was brought to you by the official Autostraddle.com t-shirt, guaranteed to make the panties drop.

you can buy your own autostraddle t-shirt at autostraddle.goodsie.com as soon as we order more

Romi: “We made sweet passionate amazing love, and it felt so good!”

Now they’re happy. Magic.

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Whitney goes right back into Sara’s arms because she didn’t  like the way they ended it. Like how their clothes were on, etc.

you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene

Sara’s earrings are making so much noise, I can’t hear the scene. Also I had to turn off the volume or else die of Show. Whitney’s not gonna lie, she cares about Sara, she wants to cut the bullshit and make a clean slate. Sara has a process or something.

Whitney sees through Sara because “I wrote this book that you’re reading here.”  The Book of Whitney!

Whitney can’t resist Sara I think. Really I just need those earrings off.

Whitney: “I think we’re both addicted to one another, but on the same token, I have real feelings for Sara.”

“Now we’re back to square one,” she says, and then they make out and probably have sex.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

Whitney

Addiction

Their Shit

Mathnet

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I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2713 articles for us.

87 Comments

  1. I am so glad I decided to read this recap because I got to see a picture of Alex Vega in gold hotpants. I’m just saying I may have stared at said picture longer than is appropriate…

    Ahem.

    Hilarious recap as usual Riese!

  2. I am so happy for Romi. After the strap-on-scene from first season she really got her story straight in this episode. She just doesn´t want to be filmed having sex and beeing drunk. She just wants to be sober for that. Makes sense. No one wants their parents to think that they are drunk sluts.

        • yeah, try mixing it up a bit. 😛 i agree with your point, though. no excuses this season for romi being soooooo wasted…Or sara either for that matter, who last season, in an AS interview, I believe, said she was concerned about her family seeing her butt in a shower, or even knowing she’s a lez. then this season, well….damn. i think they know she’s gay now, and i think we’ve all seen every inch of her by now, and thanks to alyssa’s passive aggressiveness (really more aggressive aggressiveness) we know she’s got falsies, too.

          so demure, those two.

  3. Can we keep Marissa, the truth-teller? When she’s done trying to talk some sense into Sadjah she can go over to Claire’s and Whitney’s to tell them about themselves. Her parts were really the only enjoyment I got out of this episode. I’m really going to miss her next week.

  4. “I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!”

    If this show is not used against us in a court somewhere, I will be shocked!

  5. I die every time I read these recaps, too funny. They should keep Marissa as a Yoda figure. In every dramatic(rediculous) scene she could pop out of nowhere with “that’s crazy” then just walk off.

  6. this made me laugh hehe coz its really funny..
    i havent watch the season 2 because of some factors.
    but reading this just though made me work hard with my imagination is really fulfilling hehe
    keep it up.

  7. A friend of mine gave me a planner as a gift once and I got all excited and happy because I’m weird and anal retentive. Also, I was in college at the time and had approximately 758 assignments a week to keep track of. Yay, organization!

    SQUARE ONE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS EVER! To this day I still use some of the math tricks they taught me.

  8. It’s too funny how season 2 makes you miss TRLW season 1! You even got Racquel but no Stamie pic. Season 1 seems like a swell show in comparison to this second attempt. Marginally. I can’t stomach a 2nd episode of this season.

    I like the parts where you rhymed. :-3

  9. Festen! And wayne’s world! ftw!
    oh, riese.. your recaps make it A LOT less painful to watch this crappy show.. they’re like, addictive.. like, a big bag of heroin in front af an addict.. and like, waiting for the next one is like.. taking a toll on my soul, man..

  10. So, i usually watch the episode, and read the recap, but all the roomies are sleeping and I was too lazy for headphones, so i just read the recap, and i realized that watching this would have been awful, and probably have made Cat, the cat, mad because she hates headphones and stuff, but reading this made me feel good and and made Cat sit beside me and lick herself and now I understand.

    Yes, the cat is named Cat.

  11. that was a loooot of dirty bitches for one room to control. seeing kelsey cry made me sad i thought she was never going to get laid.

    the pic of alex in golden pants just made all the bad (faded) memories of this episode go away. thank!

  12. But where was Francine in that episode ?? I thought she, unlike Sara, was part of the main cast ??
    I know I shouldn’t care, but she seems to be the only down-to-earth, reasonable person on that show !

  13. i can’t believe you just threaded this processing/sperm/WHITNEY/makeout/drink/actualPorn clip-show together with an ALMOST PLOT!!!

    brilliant. i tried to watch this last night, but could only handle sesytimes on mute.

    the only reason to watch this show is to give context for your recaps.

    • wow. it would have been the best plot twist EVAR if ifc forced everyone to go hang out in Mississauga (sprawling Southern Ontario suburbia).
      it’s like, the worst place in the world.

  14. I think the show would be better if Marissa had been standing over the editor’s shoulders and calling them out for their stupidity.

    Marissa: “You know what, this is crazy.”

    Editor: “But Whitney–”

    Marissa: “Do your job right!”

    Editor: “But the sex–”

    Marissa: “TELL AN ACTUAL STORY!”

  15. I’m going to start a non-profit which provides really lovely bras to girls appearing on national television in exchange for fugly knit hats and then perhaps this will be somewhat bearable to watch. Until then, your hilarious recaps will have to do. 🙂

  16. I will NEVER tire of that joke. NEVER NOT EVER. In fact, when I was there last night and the pool table was covered with cute tiny brownies and baby carrots and whatnot, I thought fondly of Austria and other things.

    “And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.”

  17. First things first. Marissa is GOLD. Like hotpants. BRING HER BACK.
    Not in the recap but when Vivian calls Claire selfish, Claire’s comeback is “Everyone keeps saying that. But I’m not!” or something to that effect. If everyone keeps telling you you’re selfish, maybe you need to rethink that. If anyone was watching the show with me while Sajdah was on the screen they would think I was having a seizure by how much she makes me roll my eyes. Will you be my girlfriend. Check yes or no? MAJOR EYE ROLL.
    I usually like Alyssa because I feel like she is the only person calling Whit on her shit. (haha, it rhymes!)But she just annoyed me this episode.
    I want to love Kaci and Cory but for the love of vagina, enough with the sperm already! Show editors, can we please learn something else about this adorably couple except that they need lots of super expensive sperm?
    I really want to like Kelsey but the sloppy drunk crying? Me no likey.
    Did anyone else notice the whack a mole during the opening sequence? My favorite part of the entire episode. Well that and Marissa’s This is Crazy!

  18. Being a teenager I really don’t see this show as any worse than any other reality show. I actually see it as an entertaining, slightly over dramatic look into the lives of lesbians living life.(And seeing lesbians leading “normal” lives is something my generation needs to be able to see given the suicide crisis ) I very much enjoy watching it and even though it can get ridiculous sometimes, life gets ridiculous sometimes and the people on and making this show are just people. They aren’t fucking saints. This show wasn’t made to get gay marriage passed it was made for money, entertainment, and to put something gay on tv.

    Also I am completely confused and horrified at how some people are so easily trashing some of these girls just for having sex on camera. Almost everyone has sex it’s a natural human function and if someone is comfortable enough to be filmed doing that then fucking go team. Calling someone a slut because of that is fucking stupid. That’s like making fun of someone who dances in public just because you only do it alone in your room.

    With that being said, I actually love these recaps.

    Also Claire should just fall of the face of the earth.

    • You can’t say people are wrong for not liking how the women have sex on camera and then say that Claire should fall of the earth.

      Also, speaking for myself, I do have an issue with the women letting the cameras film them doing personal private things. Yes, it is their choice and that’s fine. I don’t think they are sluts. But, I have more of an issue with that footage ending up on TV and it doesn’t matter that Showtime is a pay cable channel. I watch other reality TV shows and it’s different. Italian American-based organizations don’t really like Jersey Shore or Mob Wives…many women who like women aren’t feeling season 2. Sometimes criticism works like that. There is definitely something off about season 2 compared to season 1 and I think that’s where a lot of people’s issues come from.

    • fletcher, these lives are in no way normal. this is a case study in dysfunction, barring the baby mama wannabees. there is nothing genuine or “real” about this show. all of the storylines are contrived as hell, except the baby mammas again, who i’m sure talk about more than sperm. not that we’ll ever see that, of course.

  19. I haven’t ‘laughed out loud’ reading something in a long time..

    THIS! made my day: “RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.”

    hahahaha

  20. MATHNET! I loved mathnet when I was little, but it didn’t actually teach me any math skills (why yes, I had to do remedial math after the second grade (which actually didn’t bother me cause I got to read more in summer school(yes, I’m a nerd(and I use parenthesis too much)))).

  21. Everyone except Whitney and Romi get about 2-3 short scenes per episode. Francine has it the worst b/c I’m sure she does something important/interesting but the viewer would never know. The critic in me thinks that they only bother with Romi because she’ll eventually get naked and have sex on camera. Her journey to self discovery is important but I don’t think the people in charge really care. Why were new cast members even brought on?

    I want Scarlett back too…

  22. I hope your happy writing because it seems really stupid that you spend so much time watching and analyzing a show that makes you so pathetically miserable.

  23. Oh my god this is just hilarious!!! WAHAHAHA!!! i just cant lol enough!

    You know everytime i watch the show and see whitney and her other tattoo-covered crew and chicks, i just wonder how they’re gonna look like 35 years from now – being a grandmama with the tattoos and all… CAN you just imagine?

  24. I have been trying to remember the name of the show that MathNet was a part of for ages and ages. I loved it. Thanks for reminding me!
    Oh, and this shows sucks, and your recaps are awesome.

  25. Great recap. So glad Tracy made it into this one. She is terribly missed. Also, Claire was duped in this episode. Kelsey is still awesome. Can’t wait to get my Autostraddle tee! holla

  26. I can get you a better internet Xanax dealer, just sayin’. Then you could write these recaps all benzo’d up and it’d be like “blerhghhhhhhhh cheeeese”, which would still be better than the show fyi.

    • And there would also be a lot more of “you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene” under screen caps which would also still be better than the show.

  27. “listen. if that butterfly clip is the metal plate between you and jehovah, you better tell me now”

    I laughed so hard I startled MYSELF. G*d bless these recaps.

  28. All that wine messes with Kelseys voice, she is super “whiny” how are you going to cry and ask your gf to have sex with you. And if i EVER wrote on a paper and asked a girl “will you be my girlfriend” i would hope she give me the “are you fucking kidding” face. When people say weak ass shit to girls i just be like, “did this basic ass bitch honestly just fall for that”

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