Real L Word Episode 203 Recap: Back to Square One, Look What We’ve Become

Meanwhile at The Club, Romi’s life is flashing before her eyes and it’s boring. She’s over this. She’s grown up. Look at this hat! Nobody under the age of 63 would wear this hat:

...on camera

Kelsey’s belligerent. “Are you drunk?” Romi says. “No I’m not,” Kelsey says. Can they go like this all night?

Romi: Why can’t we have just like, a smooth night, you know?
Kelsey: It’s just like lately… when do we have a smooth night? Whenever we’re out with other people you’re like — [makes a weird face] — it’s always this thing you know?
Romi: It’s because like, you get drunk or you start like, doing something and I like, watch you and you don’t want me to watch you and then you react to it.
Kelsey: Honey you always deal with it all the time.
Romi: [to the bartender]: Can I get a Red Bull?

It’s difficult to really get too deep into the complexity and detail of this dispute, as obviously it’s occurring on a reading comprehension level far beyond my own.

look maybe i'll feel better after red bull gives me my wings

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Everyone’s gone out but Whitney has wrapped herself in black spandex and is sitting in her room, thinking about the fate of the world. At the club Rachel is like, “Even Jaq was like, where’s Whitney?” I’m surprised she fit that in, they probably had so many other things to talk about. “She’s in her own world, not thinking about anyone but herself,” says Rachel. Right.

Like the Thinker, But Gay

These are my notes on this scene:

A. Whitney talking about herself
B. Whitney getting into bed.

Whitney: “I come from a family of addicts, and I myself have had a history of drug problems. It’s like you can put the bottle down but it doesn’t change your addictive personality, sometimes it just moves on to other things, so now have I supplemented my addiction to substances with my addiction to girls?”

She’s gonna be like that girl who was on Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Rehab and THEN Dr.Drew’s Celebrity Sex Rehab. I think that girl was just addicted to Dr. Drew though. It’s probably because she was talked to in hypnotic-crazy-stern-royal-blue-shirt-wearing-Dr-Drew voices as a baby, and now every time she sees a tire swing, she has a seizure. La la la.dotted-divider2

We catch up with our dashing damsels in a taxi cab, where Kelsey is intoxicated and Romi is not and so basically we continue down the same philosophical pathway we abandoned at The Club.

Romi: “I know, that’s you, you’re drunk, you drink a lot.”
Kelsey: “I can — do — I can drink a lot.”
Romi: “You drank a lot tonight. Like all the vodka there, the vodka on the way, champagne–”
Kelsey: “Can we have sex?”

Romi’s been in a “funk,” she says, explaining why the well of sex has run dry.

“I hate it, I hate it,” Kelsey says over and over and Romi says “I know” and then Romi reminds her that she’s drunk and Romi’s sober.

Kelsey: “Okay, I’m drunk, and you’re sober!”

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

Whitney

All the Vodka there

All the Vodka on the Way

Kelsey says sex is all she has with Romi and if they don’t have sex what do they have? Talking about sex, that’s what.

They have to do this thing. It’s that or order sperm from the internet, and I think Cori & Kacy are pretty possessive of that particular topic.

pants on or off? off? ok off.

Kelsey wants to fuck the shit out of Romi but Romi would prefer a bath — but then, as she tells it, Kelsey was sad and crying and so Romi was like, okay, let’s fuck.

this would be a good time to tell you that actual scissoring happened

Romi explains the next day that Kelsey was breaking down crying and so Romi, being the brave young soldier that she is, was like, “okay, this needs to end.”

the planner was empty! every single page!

Yup. Big sex scene! Looks like they got to film it themselves though like in special lighting so you don’t see, you know, like EVERYTHING. But also, you know.

Fun!

Kelsey: “Baby, I squirted!”

++

watch and learn

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Whitney is still in San Francisco.

don't wanna miss my alcatraz tour

Get out of here! What is wrong with you insane, lunatic humans?!! Who the hell is she talking about. Okay put on your Newsie outfit, go seize the day.

Crescent, aka Whitney's Signature Sexual Move

Ta-ta.

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Ah, it’s the morning after a long night of sex caught on camera. Did you forget? Good, neither did Kelsey.

omg remember what it's like to wake up liking each other

This scene of sexual conquest was brought to you by the official Autostraddle.com t-shirt, guaranteed to make the panties drop.

you can buy your own autostraddle t-shirt at autostraddle.goodsie.com as soon as we order more

Romi: “We made sweet passionate amazing love, and it felt so good!”

Now they’re happy. Magic.

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Whitney goes right back into Sara’s arms because she didn’t  like the way they ended it. Like how their clothes were on, etc.

you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene

Sara’s earrings are making so much noise, I can’t hear the scene. Also I had to turn off the volume or else die of Show. Whitney’s not gonna lie, she cares about Sara, she wants to cut the bullshit and make a clean slate. Sara has a process or something.

Whitney sees through Sara because “I wrote this book that you’re reading here.”  The Book of Whitney!

Whitney can’t resist Sara I think. Really I just need those earrings off.

Whitney: “I think we’re both addicted to one another, but on the same token, I have real feelings for Sara.”

“Now we’re back to square one,” she says, and then they make out and probably have sex.

Things a Real L Word Girl Can’t Handle:

Pretending like nothing is wrong

Dating

Facebook

Large Bottles of Wine

Reasonably-Sized Bottles of Wine

Moms

“Girlfriends”

Blackberry Messenger

Sperm

Sobriety

Dates

Whitney

Addiction

Their Shit

Mathnet

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I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!

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Riese is the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2744 articles for us.

87 Comments

  1. I am so glad I decided to read this recap because I got to see a picture of Alex Vega in gold hotpants. I’m just saying I may have stared at said picture longer than is appropriate…

    Ahem.

    Hilarious recap as usual Riese!

  2. I am so happy for Romi. After the strap-on-scene from first season she really got her story straight in this episode. She just doesn´t want to be filmed having sex and beeing drunk. She just wants to be sober for that. Makes sense. No one wants their parents to think that they are drunk sluts.

        • yeah, try mixing it up a bit. 😛 i agree with your point, though. no excuses this season for romi being soooooo wasted…Or sara either for that matter, who last season, in an AS interview, I believe, said she was concerned about her family seeing her butt in a shower, or even knowing she’s a lez. then this season, well….damn. i think they know she’s gay now, and i think we’ve all seen every inch of her by now, and thanks to alyssa’s passive aggressiveness (really more aggressive aggressiveness) we know she’s got falsies, too.

          so demure, those two.

  3. Can we keep Marissa, the truth-teller? When she’s done trying to talk some sense into Sadjah she can go over to Claire’s and Whitney’s to tell them about themselves. Her parts were really the only enjoyment I got out of this episode. I’m really going to miss her next week.

  4. “I have this nightmare where like, we’re on trial for same-sex marriage rights and the other side puts on an episode of The Real L Word and then like, fuck. Then what?!”

    If this show is not used against us in a court somewhere, I will be shocked!

  5. I die every time I read these recaps, too funny. They should keep Marissa as a Yoda figure. In every dramatic(rediculous) scene she could pop out of nowhere with “that’s crazy” then just walk off.

  6. this made me laugh hehe coz its really funny..
    i havent watch the season 2 because of some factors.
    but reading this just though made me work hard with my imagination is really fulfilling hehe
    keep it up.

  7. A friend of mine gave me a planner as a gift once and I got all excited and happy because I’m weird and anal retentive. Also, I was in college at the time and had approximately 758 assignments a week to keep track of. Yay, organization!

    SQUARE ONE WAS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SHOWS EVER! To this day I still use some of the math tricks they taught me.

  8. It’s too funny how season 2 makes you miss TRLW season 1! You even got Racquel but no Stamie pic. Season 1 seems like a swell show in comparison to this second attempt. Marginally. I can’t stomach a 2nd episode of this season.

    I like the parts where you rhymed. :-3

  9. Festen! And wayne’s world! ftw!
    oh, riese.. your recaps make it A LOT less painful to watch this crappy show.. they’re like, addictive.. like, a big bag of heroin in front af an addict.. and like, waiting for the next one is like.. taking a toll on my soul, man..

  10. So, i usually watch the episode, and read the recap, but all the roomies are sleeping and I was too lazy for headphones, so i just read the recap, and i realized that watching this would have been awful, and probably have made Cat, the cat, mad because she hates headphones and stuff, but reading this made me feel good and and made Cat sit beside me and lick herself and now I understand.

    Yes, the cat is named Cat.

  11. that was a loooot of dirty bitches for one room to control. seeing kelsey cry made me sad i thought she was never going to get laid.

    the pic of alex in golden pants just made all the bad (faded) memories of this episode go away. thank!

  12. But where was Francine in that episode ?? I thought she, unlike Sara, was part of the main cast ??
    I know I shouldn’t care, but she seems to be the only down-to-earth, reasonable person on that show !

  13. i can’t believe you just threaded this processing/sperm/WHITNEY/makeout/drink/actualPorn clip-show together with an ALMOST PLOT!!!

    brilliant. i tried to watch this last night, but could only handle sesytimes on mute.

    the only reason to watch this show is to give context for your recaps.

    • wow. it would have been the best plot twist EVAR if ifc forced everyone to go hang out in Mississauga (sprawling Southern Ontario suburbia).
      it’s like, the worst place in the world.

  14. I think the show would be better if Marissa had been standing over the editor’s shoulders and calling them out for their stupidity.

    Marissa: “You know what, this is crazy.”

    Editor: “But Whitney–”

    Marissa: “Do your job right!”

    Editor: “But the sex–”

    Marissa: “TELL AN ACTUAL STORY!”

  15. I’m going to start a non-profit which provides really lovely bras to girls appearing on national television in exchange for fugly knit hats and then perhaps this will be somewhat bearable to watch. Until then, your hilarious recaps will have to do. 🙂

  16. I will NEVER tire of that joke. NEVER NOT EVER. In fact, when I was there last night and the pool table was covered with cute tiny brownies and baby carrots and whatnot, I thought fondly of Austria and other things.

    “And if they don’t know your name then they probably won’t let you play next at pool. Sorry bro.”

  17. First things first. Marissa is GOLD. Like hotpants. BRING HER BACK.
    Not in the recap but when Vivian calls Claire selfish, Claire’s comeback is “Everyone keeps saying that. But I’m not!” or something to that effect. If everyone keeps telling you you’re selfish, maybe you need to rethink that. If anyone was watching the show with me while Sajdah was on the screen they would think I was having a seizure by how much she makes me roll my eyes. Will you be my girlfriend. Check yes or no? MAJOR EYE ROLL.
    I usually like Alyssa because I feel like she is the only person calling Whit on her shit. (haha, it rhymes!)But she just annoyed me this episode.
    I want to love Kaci and Cory but for the love of vagina, enough with the sperm already! Show editors, can we please learn something else about this adorably couple except that they need lots of super expensive sperm?
    I really want to like Kelsey but the sloppy drunk crying? Me no likey.
    Did anyone else notice the whack a mole during the opening sequence? My favorite part of the entire episode. Well that and Marissa’s This is Crazy!

  18. Being a teenager I really don’t see this show as any worse than any other reality show. I actually see it as an entertaining, slightly over dramatic look into the lives of lesbians living life.(And seeing lesbians leading “normal” lives is something my generation needs to be able to see given the suicide crisis ) I very much enjoy watching it and even though it can get ridiculous sometimes, life gets ridiculous sometimes and the people on and making this show are just people. They aren’t fucking saints. This show wasn’t made to get gay marriage passed it was made for money, entertainment, and to put something gay on tv.

    Also I am completely confused and horrified at how some people are so easily trashing some of these girls just for having sex on camera. Almost everyone has sex it’s a natural human function and if someone is comfortable enough to be filmed doing that then fucking go team. Calling someone a slut because of that is fucking stupid. That’s like making fun of someone who dances in public just because you only do it alone in your room.

    With that being said, I actually love these recaps.

    Also Claire should just fall of the face of the earth.

    • You can’t say people are wrong for not liking how the women have sex on camera and then say that Claire should fall of the earth.

      Also, speaking for myself, I do have an issue with the women letting the cameras film them doing personal private things. Yes, it is their choice and that’s fine. I don’t think they are sluts. But, I have more of an issue with that footage ending up on TV and it doesn’t matter that Showtime is a pay cable channel. I watch other reality TV shows and it’s different. Italian American-based organizations don’t really like Jersey Shore or Mob Wives…many women who like women aren’t feeling season 2. Sometimes criticism works like that. There is definitely something off about season 2 compared to season 1 and I think that’s where a lot of people’s issues come from.

    • fletcher, these lives are in no way normal. this is a case study in dysfunction, barring the baby mama wannabees. there is nothing genuine or “real” about this show. all of the storylines are contrived as hell, except the baby mammas again, who i’m sure talk about more than sperm. not that we’ll ever see that, of course.

  19. I haven’t ‘laughed out loud’ reading something in a long time..

    THIS! made my day: “RETURNING TO THE TRAVELING DEN OF SIN! Whit-Me is all sleepyslutted out and Jaq in the Baq slips in for a morning-after steamroller.”

    hahahaha

  20. MATHNET! I loved mathnet when I was little, but it didn’t actually teach me any math skills (why yes, I had to do remedial math after the second grade (which actually didn’t bother me cause I got to read more in summer school(yes, I’m a nerd(and I use parenthesis too much)))).

  21. Everyone except Whitney and Romi get about 2-3 short scenes per episode. Francine has it the worst b/c I’m sure she does something important/interesting but the viewer would never know. The critic in me thinks that they only bother with Romi because she’ll eventually get naked and have sex on camera. Her journey to self discovery is important but I don’t think the people in charge really care. Why were new cast members even brought on?

    I want Scarlett back too…

  22. I hope your happy writing because it seems really stupid that you spend so much time watching and analyzing a show that makes you so pathetically miserable.

  23. Oh my god this is just hilarious!!! WAHAHAHA!!! i just cant lol enough!

    You know everytime i watch the show and see whitney and her other tattoo-covered crew and chicks, i just wonder how they’re gonna look like 35 years from now – being a grandmama with the tattoos and all… CAN you just imagine?

  24. I have been trying to remember the name of the show that MathNet was a part of for ages and ages. I loved it. Thanks for reminding me!
    Oh, and this shows sucks, and your recaps are awesome.

  25. Great recap. So glad Tracy made it into this one. She is terribly missed. Also, Claire was duped in this episode. Kelsey is still awesome. Can’t wait to get my Autostraddle tee! holla

  26. I can get you a better internet Xanax dealer, just sayin’. Then you could write these recaps all benzo’d up and it’d be like “blerhghhhhhhhh cheeeese”, which would still be better than the show fyi.

    • And there would also be a lot more of “you know what to be honest with you i totally forgot the premise of this scene” under screen caps which would also still be better than the show.

  27. “listen. if that butterfly clip is the metal plate between you and jehovah, you better tell me now”

    I laughed so hard I startled MYSELF. G*d bless these recaps.

  28. All that wine messes with Kelseys voice, she is super “whiny” how are you going to cry and ask your gf to have sex with you. And if i EVER wrote on a paper and asked a girl “will you be my girlfriend” i would hope she give me the “are you fucking kidding” face. When people say weak ass shit to girls i just be like, “did this basic ass bitch honestly just fall for that”

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