Glee Episode #414: I Do Wish Santana and Quinn Had Kissed For Real

Hello and welcome to the fourteenth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a delightful family television program about streamers, balloons, glitter guns, paper-hearts and the foolish teenagers who purchase and utilize said decor under the esteemed tutelage of Admiral Tater-Tot, who inspires them to lift every voice and sing. It’s basically Joyful Noise, but without Dolly Parton or Queen Latifah. This week’s episode, entitled “I Do,” paid tribute to 56 of my least-favorite television tropes and provided Finn Hudson with far too much screen time.  In the upcoming words of our Patron Saintess Santana Lopez:

We open in an aggressively bedazzled Iconoclastic Northwestern Ohio coffee shop, where a yam in a sweater vest is yammering to The New Rachel about his manchild feelings while The New Rachel frets about his frazzled physical appearance and refusal to make eye contact.

see, I have a little remote control in my coat, and when i press a button, the hidden vibrator just starts vibrating. but like nobody else would have any idea, it's just my little secret

see, I have a little remote control in my coat, and when i press a button, the hidden vibrator just starts vibrating. but like nobody else would have any idea, it’s just my little secret. like nobody has any idea that it’s actually buzzing right now.

Finn confesses that he put his tater on Ms. Pillsbury’s tot and even though she didn’t kiss him back, he’s super self-involved and therefore can’t stop obsessing over it and his inability to be Best Man now that he’s established himself AGAIN as the Worst Man. He proposes telling Mr. Shue, because then Mr. Shue can be as miserable as Finn is and they can start an a capella blues jam group and spin off into outer space.

can i get an amen

every now and then, finn says something that is 100% true

The New Rachel insists he keeps this slip-up on the DL and suggests Finn was motivated by his despair over her budding romance with a shirtless dicknail, but Finn insists not everything’s about her. Which’s unfortunate, because that’d be a hell of a lot more entertaining than everything being about Finn!

We then swing on over to Emma’s office, where her private freakout over seating charts and the precise arrangement of items on her desk is interrupted by a stack of chili-cheese-fries named Finn Hudson and his manchild feelings. Finn’s unsure he can handle being a best man because he kissed Emma and also, incidentally, is totally not the best man. You know who the best man is? This is who The Best Man is:

he has his own pet monkey!

he has his own pet monkey!

Emma’s got no time for this:

Emma: “Look I’m really sorry I don’t have a pamphlet ready for you right now but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would say something like, “Get Over It,” okay?”


“I have two beautiful ladies standing before me, but I have only one photo in my hand.”

Emma suggests Finn’s best course of action is to stay the fuck away and shut the fuck up, at which time Mr. Shue pops in to grace the room with his gummy smile and tasteful cardigan and to not help his wife feel one iota better about a goddamn thing.

heeeeeellloooooo ladies

heeeeeellloooooo ladies

Emma begs for seating chart help but he’s gotta run to Glee practice which brings us to…

…The Glee Room!

that's right i'm back and my pants are on FIAR!

that’s right i’m back and my pants are on FIAR!

The students greet their Prodigal Father with unnecessary levels of good cheer, including an embarrassing-for-all-of-us “Holla!” from Artie, and subsequently respond to Mr. Shue’s gratitude towards Finn Hudson with even stronger levels of unnecessary good cheer.

that's right, finn's graduating into big boy underpants today, round of applause for finn

that’s right, finn’s graduating into big boy underpants today, round of applause for finn

Mr. Shue incites a near-riot of enthusiasm when he announces that week’s theme will be “WEDDING!!!!!”

go shorty, it's your wedding, gonna party like it's your wedding

go shorty, it’s your wedding, gonna party like it’s your wedding

Mr. Shue explains that because Emma’s handling all the WEDDING!!!! planning, he’ll be handling all the planning of the WEDDING!!!! music, which he promptly handles by asking the children to do it for him.

the feeling of being a bisexual girl with a boyfriend the first time you see Shane

Exact re-enactment of facial expressions employed during Brittany & Sam’s first experience marathoning Shane McCutcheon videos on YouTube

Infathomably he also asks a baked potato to eschew a Best Man Speech in favor of A Best Man Song, which’s a good or bad thing depending on where you come down on the “What’s Worse: Finn Singing or Finn Talking” Debate of 2012.

yup, i just peed a little

yup, i just peed a little

We then cut to The Hallowed Hallways of McKinley High where Emma’s on her knees in green dish gloves eliminating the faint suggestion of the faint suggestion of the possibility of a potential future involving, in some way maybe, Asian Bird Flu.

thank you for disinfecting my notebook miss pilsbury

could you disinfect my notebook, it hasn’t been the same since the last time i got slushied

Emma’s also giving Artie the low-down on her blonde niece, Betty, who will be sitting adjacently to Artie at the WEDDING!!!!!! and also has giant knockers. I’m imagining something like this, mayhaps?


JK, Betty is blonde, so it’s not Betty Boop, it’s probs Betty McRae:

i'll bomb your girl any day, betty mcrae

i’ll bomb your girl any day, betty mcrae

Wait! WAIT I KNOW WHO IT IS. It’s Betty of “Betty and Veronica,” a comic about lesbian lovers pretending to be straight:

can't tell the difference between archie and artie

probs can’t tell the difference between archie and artie

Anyhow, we’ll just have to wait and see because elsewhere in the Hallowed Hallways, Marley-Kate and New Puck are speaking words to each other while everybody who cares listens really hard and everybody who doesn’t care sticks their face in a tub of squalid pickle juice for the next 45 seconds.

look i put my hymen in a box for you i got the idea from taylor swift

look i put my hymen in a box for you i got the idea from taylor swift

For Valentine’s Day, Marley-Kate made New Puck special cufflinks out of a typewriter and New Puck pretends like he’s got something special for her, too, but he’s obviously lying and was totally planning on gifting her a Dick in a Box. Luckily Ryder Bieber-Strong is gonna pull a Brian Krakow this episode and puppet-master New Puck through making Valentine’s Week a Magical Moment for Marley-Kate.

you're right. let's do it. i'll bring condoms.

you’re right, we should probably just make out and get this whole charade over with, eh?

Elsewhere in this crumbling monument to educational tomfoolery, Finn’s summoned The New Rachel to the auditorium to help him choose a WEDDING!!!! song from the Wedding Song Box.

look it's not my fault we never did it up the butt, okay? that was your choice

look, i’m sorry i was late but i didn’t know “Crossroads” was a two-part episode when i started, okay?

The New Rachel suggests Finn improve his song by duetting with somebody who can actually sing, like The New Rachel. Finn smarmily adds that they’ve got some “pretty dangerous musical chemistry,” which inspires The New Rachel to assert that she’s in a mature open relationship now so the only danger she’s worried about is the danger we’re all worried about, which is random lunatics opening fire in a crowded room of civilians. Amirite?

"finn, how good are you at giving rachel orgasms?"

“finn, how good are you at giving rachel orgasms?”

Cut to, I believe, History of The American Bald Eagle class, apparently taught now by Mr. Shue, who’s been back at McKinley for about 47 minutes but whatever.


and this is how emma knows i’m about to touch her boobs

Just in case all this eagle-talk wasn’t already inspiring students to hop the first train to snoozeville, New Puck interrupts this educational situation to perform a song declaring his love for Marley.

omg another gay musical number!

omg another gay musical number!

New Puck, Ryder Bieber-Strong, Sam and Artie, dressed like cupcakes and accompanied by a puppy-eyed Marley-Kate, then treat us to an unfortunate rendition of Marvin Gaye’s “You’re All I Need (To Get By)” while students lob heart-shaped glitter and other discount party store paraphernalia onto the happy couple.


Luckily, the song ends and then so does the scene!

We then journey through space, time, and sixty thousand centuries of Industrial progress to The Church for Emma and Will’s WEDDING!!!!.

luckiest extra ever over there in the blue

luckiest extra ever over there in the blue

Santana Lopez, who must be fucking Kara Thrace for all the air travel she’s managed to squeeze into her budget these days, shows up with Quinn Fabray and promptly declares herself and the dead bear on her shoulders “clearly the hottest bitch in this lousy joint,” which coincidentally is a fair representation of this show in general. Her alleged “best friend” a few rows up offers a meek hello and Santana throws some shade their way.

oh shut it

sorry we’re not getting paid enough this episode to have lines but maybe we can talk next week

Despite her overwhelming hotness, Santana moans, she’s stuck here all alone with Quinn, and Quinn just-so-happens to be wearing a holy jacket created to memorialize the great battle of Glitter Vs. Gay.

mmmmm tastes like rachel

mmmmm tastes like rachel

Quinn asks if Santana would like to be slapped again, and instead of saying “Yes! Harder!” Santana continues bitching about how much she hates weddings and Valentine’s Day, which was “invented by breeders to sell cheap chocolate and false hope.” AMEN, sister. “Do you know what I hate?” Quinn asks. “Men. Every single one of them.” AMEN, SISTER! Actually the sentence is longer than that, but who cares.

You know what that means? I must be a man-hating lesbian.

You know what that means? I must be a man-hating lesbian.

She goes on to declare all men pigs, except Mr. Shue and Al Roker. Listen Quinn, I’ve got an advanced degree in Professional Man-Hating, which means I keep a handy list on my desk of Men I Don’t Hate, and lemme tell you who’s not on it: Mr. Shue and Al Roker. Lemme tell you who is on it: Ira Glass, Stephen Dunn, Sam Anderson, my brother Lewis and Obama, sometimes. Mr. Shue is totally weird and Al Roker said my least favorite p-word on television.

look closer and you'll see a potential clam-diver

look closer and you’ll see a potential clam-diver

Quinn declares she’s done letting men define her and reminds all of you ladies at home that “a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.” Coincidentally, a woman without a man is also a woman without a Glee storyline, but whatever.

Santana: “Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.”


Elsewhere in this lofty monument to the good work of Jesus Christ Our Lord And Savior (JK, I’m Jewish), Artie tracks down Emma’s Niece With The Nice Rack, only to discover that it’s that girl from The Glee Project who’s dating Dani Shay!

this girl!

this girl!

Also she hates Artie because even though she’s in a wheelchair, she “doesn’t date losers in chairs.”

Emma’s Bitchy Niece With The Nice Rack: “Yeah, I’m also blonde, captain of the cheerleaders at my high school, and I’ve got this going on.” [massages her breasts “Mama Who Bore Me” style]


and basically dani just rubs me right here for about 30 minutes and that’s pretty much all i need to get a good night’s sleep

Also, New Puck got flowers for Marley-Kate ’cause Ryder Bieber-Strong told New Puck what flowers to get.

hey dude remind me really fast what this chick's name is

hey dude remind me really fast what this chick’s name is

Out in the cold tundra of the church parking lot, somebody’s getting their nuts cracked in the backseat of a sexy, fuel-efficient Toyota Prius and that somebody is… Kurt Hummel!

ok, now you be brian and i be justin

ok, now you be brian and i be justin

Kurt notes that he would’ve brought a change of clothing if he’d known he’d be getting groped in the back of a Prius. Right. His other tuxedo. Kurt then notes that he’s kinda dating somebody in New York, which’s Blaine’s cue to pop up into screen and insist that Kurt’s “fey boy-tie” is his Kryptonite, which’s adorable.

Blaine: “This is just bros helping bros.”
Kurt: “I love it when you talk fratty.”

This is how bros help bros? I always thought it involved like making each other burritos or carrying couches up staircases. Huh.

...have buttsex

…have buttsex

I found this so cute and sexy because — for any of you here born after AOL stopped charging $2.95 an hour — this is totally groundbreaking shit. You never see gay boys being sexual on network television. In fact, there’s this whole show called Modern Family about these two gay guys who spend every episode undermining each other if not outright scheming and/or passive-aggressively derailing each other to satisfy their own various selfish ends or comfort their own complicated egos and everybody acts like it’s really groundbreaking but it’s actually just really annoying! Anyhow. I loved this scene.

There’s a rap at the door and Kurt’s like, “Tell me that’s not Tina again!” I’ll tell you: it’s not Tina again.

oh hey thanks you can just leave the pizza in the front seat and there should be enough cash there.

oh hey thanks you can just leave the pizza in the front seat and there should be enough cash there.

It’s Mercedes, now spotting bangs, a bangin’ pink dress, and a dead wolf that likely became dead following a little bang-bang-bang.

bitches i'm just here for my solo

bitches i’m just here for my solo

Backstage at the WEDDING!!!!, Emma’s freaking out all by herself, seemingly possessing no friends, family members or even concerned acquaintances. Then Sue waltzes in wearing a precise replica of Emma’s WEDDING!!!! dress and plops down to nosh on some appetizers while Emma says “worried” and “overwhelmed” a lot.

mmmmm i'm gonna explode if i can't do the limbo rock right now

mmmmm i’m gonna explode if i can’t do the limbo rock right now!!!

Emma’s worried this thing isn’t “gonna work.”

Sue: “Well, of course it isn’t going to work. You’re a weird bird-lady with a hollow pelvis and OCD, and Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children and his best friend is 19.”
Emma: “It’s just the last time was such a disaster, you know I turned into somebody that I didn’t even recognize. If I’m wrong again, I won’t survive.”
Sue: “Well, don’t say that to Will Schuester. he’ll have you singing a stripped-down acoustic version of “I Will Survive” in front of a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces.”


just practice with your fingers and soon enough you'll be ready for the real thing

just practice with your fingers and soon enough you’ll be ready for the real thing

Emma claims there’s no air in there, and before we can check the air pressure, we jarringly sweep back into the church for Matthew Morrison to launch into Stephen Sondheim’s “Getting Married Today,” which’s when I first notice that Emma’s side of the wedding party is well-stocked and Will’s is… just Finn?

"make a face like you're about to be attacked by a very very small bunny rabbit"

“make a face like you’re about to be attacked by a very very small bunny rabbit”

Jayma Mays gamely conquers a series of difficult solos in which she reveals she’s not getting married today, because, I think, Ryan Murphy wanted to use this song in this episode so somebody had to not get married. Mercedes unleashes a triumphant soprano and everybody makes weird singing faces.

cylons on the radar!!!!

vagisil set my vagina on fire!

dude, whip-its are awwwweeeesomeeeee

dude, whip-its are awwwweeeesomeeeee


i can’t really think of a good caption for this one but i wanted to use a picture of mercedes anyway so here it is


“how do you feel about buttsex?”


have you ever tried going to a wedding… ON WEED??!!!

put your lips like this and then you won't accidentally bite anything if you know what i'm saying

put your lips like this and then you won’t accidentally bite anything if you know what i’m saying

As the music ambles competently forward, Emma pulls a Daphne/Shane McGutcheon/Grace Adler/Rachel Green/Whitley/Mr.Big/Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride and busts that pop stand.

nobody told me there was a bidet in the back of this taxi cab

nobody told me there was a bidet in the back of this taxi cab

Reader, permission to speak freely? Oh G-d I hate the Runaway Bride/Groom trope, unless said Runaway Bride/Groom is fleeing a total douchebag. Firstly, this RARELY happens in real life and it ALWAYS happens on television. Why? Because it’s really fucking expensive and also really mean to friends/family who traveled for your situation and bought dresses they didn’t like to be in your wedding party. At least nobody asked the room to speak now or forever hold their peace, then I really would’ve died, ’cause that’s high on my list of Irritatingly Unrealistic Film Tropes.

why does our sister look like that super-tall lesbian who hosted that one thing that one time

ugh we totally could’ve gone to that nickleback concert if we’d known this shit was gonna get cancelled

Sue breaks it to Will that Emma flew the coop and my little heart breaks and I use one of the shards to stab Finn in the neckhole.

finn just realized he forgot to pause his game of "the sims" before leaving the house

it was at that moment that finn realized he’d forgotten to wear deodorant

We cut to a few moments, minutes, seconds or possibly even many moments, minutes or seconds later, when Mr. Shue’s having a heart-to-heart with his only friend, Finn Hudson.

hey uh so are you familiar with the phrase "we're just bros helping bros" because uh, i have a way to maybe turn this day around for all of us

hey uh will dude, bro, so are you familiar with the phrase “we’re just bros helping bros” because uh, i have a way to maybe turn this day around for all of us

Will laments his mistakes, such as “not helping with WEDDING!!!! planning” or “not noting his fiancee’s very real and complicated personality disorder was slowly consuming her brainskull, therefore leaving her in a state of disarray in which one’s romantic partner might be expected to offer some reassuring words or perhaps draw her a bath, ideally a bubble bath, ideally with Lysol.” Will wonders if maybe there was “someone else” and Finn sits there like he’s got an entire cafeteria’s worth of tater tots up his ass.

Then Santana Lopez shows up to tell the manchildren that Emma’s family would like the pre-paid party to proceed as planned.

hey it's okay guys, at least quinn didn't get t-boned by a monster truck

hey it’s okay guys, at least quinn didn’t get t-boned by a monster truck this time

Mr. Schuester says some sad-sack thing and runs off to find Emma.

Cut to The WEDDING!!!! Reception, where everybody’s dancing in holiday-themed attire while still failing to offer any competition whatsoever for the prize of Baddest Bitches In The Room, which goes to Quinn and Santana and their fake IDs, which they promptly employ.

Renegade hockey mom Rosario Cruz, the baddest bitch in all of Fairbanks

Renegade hockey mom Rosario Cruz, the baddest bitch in all of Ketchikan

Santana: “I’m 25, name’s Rosario Cruz. I might be related to Penelope.”

picked this one up in Gayville, USA

picked this one up in Gayville, USA on my way to Bicuriousityville, Ohio

Quinn: “Emily Stark. Barely legal.”

The overall atmosphere in the room is, “WEDDING? WHAT WEDDING??!!!”

ok just gimme one second i swear to god i can pee my pants on demand

ok just gimme one second i swear to god i can pee my pants on demand

Santana notes that Quinn and Santana’s stars align on the same end of the bitch-goddess spectrum, which I believe is the same end of the spectrum where fisting got invented.

but you'd really be killing it if you got out of that dress

but you’d be slaughtering it out of that dress

Quinn: “You know I have to say Rosario, you are killing it in that dress.”
Santana: “Thanks. Look at those romantic saps. You know they may have love but you know what we are that they are not?”
Quinn: “Flawless.”

also, interesting

also, interesting

Elsewhere in the expansive reception hall, Ryder Bieber-Strong suggests that New Puck come up with his own ideas for seducing Marley-Kate for once, but New Puck reminds Ryder Bieber-Strong that his character is pretty one-dimensional and doesn’t really have any compelling thoughts. Luckily, Ryder Bieber-Strong just-so-happens to possess a necklace in his suitjacket all dressed up for Marley-Kate. New Puck comments that this’ll probs get him laid, which horrifies our innocent young probs-gay Ryder-Bieber-Strong, who freaks that little Marley-Kate is just a tiny maiden sophomore in the wind getting over a two-episode eating disorder, and New Puck is like — actually wait I just remembered that I don’t care.


oh this? it’s just a box of marley’s hair i’ve been accumulating over the last few weeks by sneaking into her house and digging into her shower drain

Kurt and Blaine hit the stage for a sexual-tension-ridden rendition of “Just Can’t Get Enough” while The New Rachel cajoles Finn into stepping all over her feet I MEAN “dancing” and Tina wallows in her seethingly irrational pool of passionate faghaggery.

those microphones are practice for later

those microphones are practice for later

Elsewhere in the land of things I don’t care about, Artie talks to the bitch with the nice rack again ’cause he finds her “intriguing,” probably because she won The Glee Project.

probs not, but he could def be more transphobic, racist and sexist, i mean come on, this is glee

probs not, but he could def be more transphobic, racist and sexist, i mean come on, this is glee

When the song ends, Tina, seemingly paying just about as much attention to Mike Chang’s presence in this episode as the writers, emerges from her roasting den of ire and wrath to emotionally assault Kurt.

Tina: “You’re here, you’re in New York, you’re at, you’re at NYADA… who are you, Kurt? Meanwhile, Blaine is here, lonely, and yes, he cheated, and we’re all human, Kurt, we all deserve to be loved back, Kurt.
Kurt: “Okay, Tina, I say this with total love, but the moment we all saw coming is finally here. You’re a hag, you’re hagged out, you’re in love with Blaine and it’s creepy, stop.”
Tina: “What do you know about love? You just come and go. Who’s been here to support him? Me. Who took him to Sadie Hawkins? me. Who put him in bed when he was sick and rubbed vapor rub on his little muscled chest while he slept?”
Kurt: “What?”

who sculpted a lump of butter into a lifesize replica of blaine and then melted it and then rubbed the melted butter all over her body while thinking about blaine? me.

who sculpted a lump of butter into a lifesize replica of blaine and then melted it and then rubbed the melted butter all over her body while thinking about blaine? me.

Kurt chases Tina Cohen-Chang offscreen to give her lessons on how to be a less-creepy wet nurse, while meanwhile Sue Sylvester takes over the bouquet-throwing duty, and it turns out I’m the only one here who considers said bouquet cursed, ’cause they’re reaching for it like it’s a vagina or something, but Rachel gets it:


oh wow this bouquet is really slimy almost like Sue dunked it in the toilet before throwing it straight at me.

Rachel catches it ’cause she loves getting married and then not getting married. Meanwhile Santana and Quin get wasted and play with each other’s hair like Gay Sharks.

quinn just stand real still and i'm in a great position from which to cop an immediate feel

quinn just stand real still and i’m in a great position from which to cop an immediate feel

Slightly later on this fine evening, Finn’s delivering a heartfelt soliloquy while plucking petals off a flower, chanting “she loves me” and “she loves me not” alternately, like a complete fucking lunatic, and Rachel kinda conks her head like she’s clearing the aural passageway for mayonnaise to get poured into her ear.


hm it would be real funny to drop ice down finn’s back right now

Finn reminds New Rachel that she told him to stop being such a “sad sack,” which means everything stupid he’s done since then is Rachel’s fault. Finn goes on to inform her that relationships are just like flowers, because the way to make a relationship grow is to get a good seed, put it into the soil and give it water and sunlight. That sounds like a pretty gross relationship TBH. No wonder he’s a sad sack.

he doesn't actually say this but i think it's what he meant to say unfortch

i don’t think they actually said this, i think grace just put this caption here to fuck with me

Oh, the end of the speech is “Bam! Perfect bud!” so obvs he’s a stoner now, predictable. Honestly this scene is super weird and I couldn’t watch it again to recap it so I’m going by memory here. Finn tells Rachel that she’s still in love with him and I think she believes him, because of all the mayonnaise that just got poured into her brain. I think.

We then transition into “We’ve Got Tonight,” for which I must note the pacing was exceptional. Finn and The New Rachel sing onstage so everybody can notice exactly how much better Rachel is at singing and they can give each other moronic-eyes.

just keep singing, nobody will know that i muted your mike

just keep singing, finn, nobody will know that i muted your mike

On the dance floor everybody slow-dances because slow-dancing is the new Friday.


mmmmm you smell like fresh prius

Also slow dancing? Quinn and Santana, obvs! Quinn, sensing Santana’s irresistible body heat, notes that she’s never slow-danced with a girl before but she likes it.

vertically, that is

vertically, that is

for example i like how your boobs are touching my boobs

for example i like how your boobs are touching my boobs

I know that feeling, too — it felt so different to me, more different than I’d expected. Some of that was the absence of an extreme body-frame-disparity, but also it felt tender instead of solid and private instead of wide open.

Then we all pretend like these kids are old enough and rich enough to have reserved hotel rooms in their very own hometown in which they will be playing hide-the-salami all at the same time! Kurt and Blaine remain super-cute and hot.

but this time i get to be the naughty schoolboy

but this time i get to be the naughty schoolboy

Marley-Kate always acts like she’s doing ecstasy for the first time.

look it's sunshine and rainbows and flowers all flying out of my mouth! i love everything! i love everyone! these flowers taste like true love!

look it’s sunshine and rainbows and flowers all flying out of my mouth! i love everything! i love everyone! these flowers taste like true love!

Quinn and Santana topple down the hallway, giddy and giggling like two pretty girls who are about to strap on their scuba gear for an authentic muff-diving expedition. I know this hookup’s been written off as a sweeps stunt, but it rings surprisingly true for me — you know the drill. You’ve got a bi-curious straight friend, you’re both drunk, she’s curious about ladies, you’re the only lady-loving-lady she knows and, thanks to alcohol and the absolute irresistibility of women in general, you find that the line between friendship and flirting is thinner than you’d ever imagined, and easier to cross than you’d ever dreamed. Unlike apparently every other lesbian ever, I’ve never pursued a straight girl or wanted a straight girl to be my girlfriend, but still this shit happens.


and iiiiiiiiiii willllll alwaayssssss lovveeeee sweeeeeps weeeekkkk

this is what anthropologists refer to as the “i’m about to fuck a straight girl” cheer

Artie and the Kinda-Bitchy Girl With The Nice Rack get a room…

last one there's a rotten egg!

last one there’s a rotten egg!

…and Finn & Rachel get a room!  Finn stands there like a potato and then Rachel takes all her clothes off.


the country home duvet is a nice touch here

Six to sixty minutes later, we return to our hormonal friends for additional intimate time. Blaine insists Kurt can’t act like “this” doesn’t mean anything, but Kurt maintains his debonair exterior. I’m like obsessed with them now.

and this is what we're gonna look like on the cover of our first album of 80s power ballad love song covers

and this is what we’re gonna look like on the cover of our first album of 80s power ballad love song covers

Cut to Santana and Quinn’s Bicuriosity Lovenest, post-sex, otherwise known as “the moment I realize we’re never gonna actually see them kiss and therefore become kinda annoyed to the point where I was prevented from truly savoring this scene.”

oh my god that was even better than the first time i made love to a hitachi magic wand

oh my god that was even better than the first time i made love to a hitachi magic wand

Quinn: “So that’s why college girls experiment.”
Santana: “And thank G-d they do.”
Quinn: “You know it was fun, and I’ve always wondered what it would be like to be with a woman, but uh, I don’t know I think for me it was more of a one-time thing.”

I’m not active in the apparent “shipping” community, but I search the Glee tag on tumblr from time to time in search of aninmated gifs, and so I know enough to wonder if that line was intended to produce a very emotionally confusing day in Faberryland. But over here in Quintannaville, we celebrated the fuck out of this situation.

this is exactly how i was sitting when i gave birth to drizzle

this reminds me of when i was giving birth to baby drizzle

Santana: “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna show up at your house with a U-Haul.”

Yeah, because last week she showed up at Rachel’s with a U-Haul, so it’d be totes awk to start U-Hauling her bitchass hotness all over town.

oh honey that's called squirting and it's  good thing

oh honey that’s called squirting and it’s good thing

Quinn asks “what happens next” while indulging in a post-sex water bottle gulp, which’s a detail I really appreciate. What happens next? Hm. well, “you continue developing flirtatious sexual tension with Santana for the next few weeks and possibly even fuck a few more times until it feels like it might become a ‘thing’ and then you’ll back off a bit and mention boys at least five times per 20-minute period, and she’ll be like, whatever, I never expected more from you anyhow, so I’m gonna go date somebody else, and then you’ll have a freakout and realize that you have sort of confusing feelings and you’ll yell at Santana about something else totally unrelated to your confusing period, and then there will be a cooling off period, and then you’ll both turn into unicorns, fly over the rainbow and trot into a land where people are made out of cake mix. Or, um, “wait ’til next week’s episode when we’ll surely all be acting as if none of this ever happened.”

Anyhow, Santana suggests Quinn walks out first — which’d be thrilling with the sex hair she’s rocking right now — or “we could make it a two-time thing?”

and by that i mean, let's rescue rachel from mashing finn's potatoes and bring her in here so i can do two of you at the same time

and by that i mean, let’s rescue rachel from mashing finn’s potatoes and bring her in here so i can do two of you at the same time

Obviously they do, ’cause Santana and Quinn are hot. Damn I just wanted a Quintana kissing gif. Anyhow, welcome to the Sweeps Lesbian Family, you can collect your toaster OVEN on your way out. Here’s a graphic of other ladies who, once upon a time, woke up in February and wanted to kiss another lady.

Glee 414

Also, New Puck and Marley-Kate didn’t have sex, so if you had money down on that one then this is a sad moment for you.


well, that was disgusting

Rachel leaves Finn in bed and teleports immediately to New York City. Geyerdean’s raided The Dollar Store’s 50-cent sale and shellacked the walls and cluttered the air with V-Day paraphernalia. I bet he spent the holiday alone watching a YouTube marathon of The Vagina Monologues as performed by at least twenty different feminist student groups at various American Universities.

you're welcome, hallmark

sponsored by hallmark and probs also by iphone in some roundabout way

Rachel says she can’t yank the monkey tonight ’cause she’s super bloated from all those nuts and dolts on the plane.

yes i tried on all your panties while you were gone, so what

yes i tried on all your panties while you were gone, so what

Geyerdean asks if she hooked up with anybody else in Lima, because, hello, it’s Lima New Rock Sex City, and she says she saw Finn but he’s far away so it’s NBD. Geyerdean claims he spent the day watching weightlifting videos, but he actually spent it having sex for money. lol. Valentine’s Day decorations don’t grow on trees you guys!

Cut back to our favored Hallowed Hallways where Kurt’s wearing an unfortunate sweater and is in high school for some reason. Tina apologizes for having the shittiest storyline ever. Luckily, she also announces that this storyline is over. Then Kurt reminds the group that he and Blaine are just friends.

what, this guy? nah, we just cuddle naked, kiss, sing sexually tense duets and star in 5,688 works of fanfic. you know, friend stuff.

what, this guy? nah, we just cuddle naked, kiss, sing sexually tense duets and star in 5,688 works of fanfic. you know, friend stuff.

Blaine says he’ll help get Tina a boyfriend, because Tina’s never had a boyfriend before, not ever, not even one or two times, and definitely like for basically the entire duration of this g-ddamn show until this season.

Kurt: “And, when I called you a hag, I was only drawing attention to the fact that you are honoring the noble and proud tradition of hagdom.”

i mean it's one thing to kick him out of downton but quite another to deny the man a recommendation

i mean it’s one thing to kick him out of downton abbey but quite another to deny the man a recommendation just because he’s gay?

Elsewhere in these hallowed halls, Marley-Kate thanks Ryder Bieber-Strong for helping Jordan Catalano write those letters, noting that it’ll be so cool one day when he does that for someone for real.


“this is a really cute puppy”

Then Ryder Bieber-Strong was like, “I am being real,” and then he kisses her.

i wish this was a picture of quinn and santana

i wish this was a picture of quinn and santana

Honestly I barely care enough about these characters to not remember the fake names I made up for them, but why is Marley-Kate with New Puck? There’s no chemistry, we’ve never seen them bond over anything besides how much they like each other. She’s way smarter, she needs to be nurtured and he doesn’t know how to do that.

Cut to the Teacher’s Lounge, where Finn’s lecturing Mr. Schuester about how to live his life and I squirt ketchup all over the television, buy a puppy, let the puppy lick off all the ketchup from the teevee, clean the teevee with Pledge Wipes, and when that’s all said and done, Finn’s still talking. He invites himself to remain a part of Glee Club.

first of all, nobody has proven that genetically modified foods are safe for consumption

first of all, nobody has proven that genetically modified foods are safe for consumption

Then The Not Actually Bitchy Girl With The Nice Rack shows up so she and Artie can make plans for a dinner and a movie date, sans dinner/movie, plus wild sex.


“how do you feel about adult”

We then travel throughout the scenic McKinley High School area until we land, at last, in the auditorium for a rousing and triumphant episode-ending song, Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Could Happen,” for which the episodes’ color scheme has been altered from reds/pinks to blues/purples and luckily, unlike Kurt at the wedding, Artie, Marley-Kate and Ryder Bieber-Strong have all brought changes of clothing to school today.


This song’s so good and high-energy they almost trick you into thinking you liked the episode! Also, Marley-Kate’s singing/dancing personality is really awesome, I wish they weren’t burying her potential character under men. But I mean, also, this is Glee. 


Mr. Shue is looking at pictures of Emma on his phone.

this was the "pose like you're in a delia*s catalog" look

this was the “pose like you’re in a delia*s catalog” look

Oh then Rachel takes a pregnancy test and she’s pregnant because this show is totally fucking stupid.

omg it's the shape of things to come

omg it’s the shape of things to come

Next time on Glee:


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Riese is the 41-year-old Co-Founder of as well as an award-winning writer, video-maker, LGBTQ+ Marketing consultant and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and now lives in Los Angeles. Her work has appeared in nine books, magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. She's Jewish and has a cute dog named Carol. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 3223 articles for us.


  1. Grace wasn’t fucking with you, I swear. But doesn’t it seem like she was?

    Also, what was with Artie and not bitchy girl in bed, where one was like “was it good for you?” “I don’t know, was it good for you?” “I don’t know.” Was that a disabled joke, because I think it was, and it wasn’t funny.

    but let’s just watch Quinn and Santana wearing nothing but sheets, that makes me feel better.

    • Especially when Artie made it a really big deal in Season One that he still had full function of his penis.

    • I actually didn’t find that joke to be bad. People are allowed to make sarcastic comments about their situations am I right? especially since the two in this scene happen to experience that disability themselves- it’s not like so able bodied person said it mockingly. Humor helps take the pain of their condition away, I don’t see what’s wrong about it.

      • It mostly bothers me because I know who wrote it and it clearly wasn’t that thoughtful. Also, Artie made it clear that everything works down there for him so it also doesn’t make sense. And two people without function of their bits aren’t going to really be able to have sex in a traditional fashion, so the joke also doesn’t make sense? At all?

        • I thought Artie made it clear to Tina in season 1 that he “still had the full use of his penis” or something like that.

          • Riese do you comment on AVClub? Are my two worlds overlapping?!

            I’m the person in the comments section who said, well, basically what I said here. I was on the wagon for a year, Glee keeps pulling me back in!

          • That makes more sense. It’s possible, I guess. I just didn’t think it was all that funny and I do love me some disgustingly morbid humor.

          • And now I see someone had already mentioned that. I guess that’s what happens when I comment at 5 am…

            And I also see I completely forgot Glee’s tenuous relationship with continuity.

  2. I really enjoy this episode, and sweeps week in general, because I am absolutely shameless when it comes to gays on tv (as long as they aren’t murdered, are murderers, etc). Yes, the whole Quinntana thing will only be mentioned once, maybe, five episodes from now, but I don’t fucking care, damnit!! If they had actually made out, though…….I would probably just be dead. Four months Glee-free and now this.


  3. These recaps make my day. <3 (Even though I'm pretty sure that every time you refer to Finn as a potatoe G-d stabs a lesbian puppy with body issues in the guts.)

    I didn't really mind not seeing Santana and Quinn kiss and I immensely liked the fact that their position in bed suggested that they'd done that numbered thing. Nice touch.

    Also: Kurt & Blaine need to sing more 80s pop. And have a threesome with Adam Lambert. Just saying.

    • thank you! also though i don’t want to hurt your lesbian puppies! seriously i feel like i’m missing something w/r/t finn… he’s tall and thin, like that’s a fact. the actor who plays him is super-thin. i’m assuming b/c of the comment below that you think i’m calling him fat, but how can i call him fat when he’s not fat? also he makes very safe fashion choices, which is frustrating. one might argue that he makes the same fashion choices that a potato might make… have you ever cut open a potato? i have. you know what the inside looks like? finn hudson’s brain. just a potato on a plate. in any event, i reference a variety of potato products, all of which come in various shapes and sizes having no correlation whatsoever to anybody’s body. chili cheese fries are thin objects, as are potato chips. the only thing all these potato products have in common is that they are made out of potatoes JUST LIKE FINN’S MAJOR INTESTINES AND BRAINHOLE. also this show has driven me crazy, so there’s that.

      • “have you ever cut open a potato? i have. you know what the inside looks like? finn hudson’s brain. ”

        I can’t wait for the opportunity to use this line. it’s stored in the comedy memory bank.

      • Certain people who live in certain places use the expression “papa sin sal” (potato without salt) to indicate that someone is uninteresting and bland. The connotations of papas are global, volatile and complex. Proceed carefully.

      • This may be a cultural thing because over here potatoes aren’t known for being stupid or misogynistic or just generally annoying. ;) Here, comparing someone to a potato’s is the same as calling them fat. Because potatoes aren’t thin. They’re bulky.  I assume there’s a reason people are called couch potatoes and not, say, couch celery. Even in the US of A. ;)

        It was the constant comparisons to potatoes as well as calling him a walking talking barrel of poutine that kind of left that impression. Poutine is just about the greasiest thing I can think of. (Well, that and Rick Grimes’s hair.)

        Maybe I cried wolf but I feel for Cory Monteith. Poor guy gets called fat and chubby all the time much like Amber Benson was in the 90s. For having a regular body and not the really thin body you usually see on tv. I just think it’s a shame.

      • (Also: I object to comparing potatoes to Finn Hudson. Most potatoes I’ve come across treat women way better than he does.)

  4. ahhhh I actually really, really liked this episode. It was the one of and maybe only high point in this season, and quinntana- so hot. I enjoyed every minute of them being together and it’s so nice to see someone that can challenge santana and play off of her. Brittany felt like a delicate emotionally stunted child, thank god that relationship is over. I wish they would explore this storyline/ arc in the next few episodes but alas I have so little hope for it being retouched on.

    Either way, I’m grateful that quinntana happened. heh

  5. Lez be honest, Riese, there was nothing bi-curious or “I’m actually totally 100% straight” with Quinn. Wistful while confessing never dancing with a girl before? ACTUALLY ENJOYING SEX for the first time? Going for round 2? Yeah, I’m an expat of Faberryland, but Quinntana is a perfect stepping stone for the blossoming gay of Quinn Fabray. We may not have gotten a kiss (boo), but I am looking forward to the conversation Santana has with her new roomie Rachel about fingerblasting Quinn.

    Also, it’s infuriating that they make Tina act like she didn’t have the most stable and cutest relationship on the entire show with Mr. Chang.

    • also lbr Quinn has approximately 452 times more chemistry with Santana than with any of the guys she’s been with, so when the writers inevitably find another one-dimensional dudebro love interest for her, it will ring even more hollow.

  6. Quinn and the water bottle, yes good.

    I actually enjoyed these two ladies acting all flirtatious and too-much-sexual-tension-y with each other more so precisely because it was Quinn who made the first moves. They just look hot together.

    We’ve got this episode, who needs the next one??
    (Really fitting for Glee for their awesome plot and character consistency, ha.)

  7. I’m not a Finn fan but you were way harsh. He’s annoying but really? Calling him potatoes like he’s fat? Santana did that when she was at her nastiest. I too adore Blaine and Kurt together and definitely enjoyed Santana and Quinn’s post-coital chat. I loved that Quinn didn’t go all freaking out straight girl and stayed chill.

  8. Riese, I really appreciate that you put Glee in its historical context. For all the issues I have with it, which are similar to yours, I was still simultaneously turned on and stunned at the Kurt and Blaine car scene. I thought, “They are kissing and groping almost as hard as on ‘Queer As Folk’!” (you know, before they got to the actual sex on QaF.)

    I came out a couple years before the Internet crashed into our lives and like many of us, my teen coming out process was full of feelings. I will never forget that episode of Deep Space 9 that you had in the pics-list of lesbian sweeps (thank you for that little whip down memory lane!). I was staring at the TV, not blinking because if I did, I knew I could miss it, just waiting waiting waiting and then… Mind. Blown. I had a huge crush on Terry Farrell (which I awkwardly confessed to her at a con when I was 16– oh yes, yes I did– and she gave me a big hug!). But when that kiss happened on DS9– it wasn’t considered exploitative for ratings. It was revolutionary, the way Star Trek had always been. Like the first (scripted) inter-racial kiss with Kirk and Uhura in 1968. But, like Glee, Star Trek back in 1968 was brimming with so many other really problematic issues; it was deeply misogynistic at the same time that it was blasting past conventional societal barriers.

    Also, I can’t believe this but I had forgotten the toaster oven joke. We had a big toaster oven party in college for Ellen’s coming out episode. Thank you for bringing me back to that memory too– and another historical context. We all know what happened when Ellen came out. 17 years later, and now we have Glee, a show where the 3 hottest most popular cheerleaders are all hooking up with each other. It is still boundary-breaking but no one is going to lose their job over it, far from it.

    As much as Glee continually kills little tender flames of hope in me, it always manages to find some new ones to ignite. Like, I actually didn’t notice that Quinn and Santana hadn’t kissed because there was so much other steamy-sexy happening, like the slow dancing which can be far more intimate than kissing. Ummm, and once I saw Quinn’s sex hair, I was gone…

    • yes, it’s crazy how much things have changed radically even within literally the last two years. there’s been a big cultural shift, and the internet has managed to mobilize so many people against corporations who shit on gay people that whereas before you’d totally expect some network to have a bunch of ads pulled during a show with gay themes, now you’d be surprised if that happened. also now we have, oddly, ellen herself, on television and she mobilizes people against haters as well.

      because hollywood has been gay FOREVER. they’re totally okay with it, they’ve had stories to tell all this time, they just had to wait until they could tell them without losing viewers or advertisers.

      i’ve never seen anything like that blaine and kurt scene, and their chemistry this episode crushed me out on their relationship way more than before.

      in the past these things were so heavily hyped, these sweeps kisses, i feel like the entire world exploded when they had a same-sex kiss on LA Law, and I was pretty young then but still heard about it, ’cause my parents were super into that show. Which in a way was kinda sad because there was always advance warning because there was always advance protest. When I made the graphic of lesbian characters for this year’s television roundup it blew my mind.

      anyhow, yeah! jesus.

      • You got me all misty-eyed remembering my little college “Good for you, you’re gay!” Ellen coming-out party! So, I was just reading up on that season, I remembered all the hype but not all the details. And I had forgotten about the advertising– something you had noted in your recap last week, with the caption to Santana’s kiss with her fake gf. That Fox would have lots all its advertising not that long ago.

        Anyhow, this little bit of advertising info I found amusing but also so indicative of what a whirlwind sea change it’s been– JC Penney had been a regular advertiser on Ellen and pulled their ads for the “puppy episode” (the coming-out episode). And now, 15 years later, they are staunchly defending their choice to have Ellen in their ads against One Million Moms (who are actually only like 150,000– moms who can’t count so well). It is so easy to get cynical about these things and think it is just about going after gay dollars until you remember not that long ago these companies didn’t give a damn about our $3 bills. I mean yes, probably because they thought they’d lose not-gay money but I do think it is still bigger than that, than just money, because there are lots of companies who just wouldn’t do that, they wouldn’t take that risk against those frantic haters.

        Oh wow, LA Law, I had forgotten about that! I was just reminiscing with friends about Murphy Brown…

        I should probably stop, I feel like I’m starting to sound like, “Back in my day, we had to walk 5 miles to the school in snow– without rainbow galoshes!”

        But srsly, the Internet– exactly. Makes me excited to see what we will be recapping and fighting for (slash complaining about) 15 years from now, when it has become meh whatever at the car scene with Blaine grabbing Kurt’s face and pulling him down by his lower back, pushing away his shirt… ok, I’ll stop there before I end up writing fanfic.

        And p.s. +1 re Modern Family! Makes me crazy, the show had so much… potential… This last episode (because yeah, of course I still watch it) Lily said to Jay, “My daddies kiss all the time,” and I nearly hit the screen, it made me so angry, because they don’t!! They never ever never kiss!! Let alone be nice to each other.

    • Fun fact about Star Trek: It was originally intended to have more strong female characters – the Spock character, in fact, was originally supposed to be played by a woman (who ended up playing Nurse Chapel) – because Gene Roddenberry got, at least to some degree, the importance of having women in positions of power in an idealistic, advanced future society. But executive meddling said the audience couldn’t handle that so he was forced to change that.

      Not that it would have necessarily been feminist at all by modern standards, but it still feels like a huge missed opportunity. Certainly I’m not going to complain about Leonard Nimoy as Spock (I have trouble imagining anyone else in the role), but I still get the sense of “what could have been”… particularly since the “men are logical, women are emotional” thing is one of my least favorite pop culture (and bad pop-science) tropes and it would have been awesome to see a McCoy vs. female Spock dynamic fuck with that.

      Okay, I think I’ve basically just reached nerdy critical mass in this comment, so I’m going to go to bed now.


    I’m in love with all the Quinn/Santana stuff. They were just so fun to watch. I can’t remember the last time I’ve felt that much unadulterated joy watching Glee. I was so enamored by them that I don’t remember anything else that happened in this episode…which could also be because I muted the TV whenever Jake, Marley, Ryer, or Finn appeared on screen.

    Hilarious recap, as always!

  10. This recap was the perfect way to start my Sunday, thank you Riese. Quinn and Santana looked great together, I’m glad we got to see that, too bad it was probably a one time (okay two time) thing. Speaking of Glee, I recently caught myself singing the Turkey Lurkey song from the Thanksgiving episode (don’t know what’s wrong with my brain), but instead of “eat all the turkey you are able” the line that came out of my mouth was “eat all the pussy you are able”. I spend too much time on Autostraddle?

  11. It’s February and I want to kiss a girl! Why can’t I be a TV character?

    Anyway re: this: “There’s no chemistry, we’ve never seen them bond over anything besides how much they like each other. She’s way smarter, she needs to be nurtured and he doesn’t know how to do that.”

    This is because in the stupidity of TV land, All Girls Want Bad Boys. And I mean, I’ve known girls like that IRL, but usually if they’re smart and they prize emotional intimacy, they’re only interested in flings with those guys, not relationships. As a biseckshual I’ve never understood the attraction to those guys myself. Then again, I don’t know if Marley is smart or anything, I have literally never watched a single scene with her character in it because these new characters sound like the most boring shit ever, so I’m taking your word for it that she is.

    Also, re: the runaway bride/groom part: Ugh that storyline is so stupid and, like you said, completely unrealistic. I know people in real life who had serious regrets about their weddings – like not just nerves but, like, I really probably should not be making a commitment to this person, in fact, I shouldn’t be in a relationship with him/her at all – who still went through with it because MONEY AND FAMILY PRESSURE ARE A THING.

    Also no one can ever do the “speak now or forever hold your peace” thing better than this Vicar of Dibley fantasy sequence:

    • By the way, I’m not saying being smart and prizing emotional intimacy go hand-in-hand. I’m saying if you happen to be both of these things, you do this in my experience, and so on.

      Gah it’s 5 am what do I know

  12. Also I don’t want to be body-snarking, but is it just me or does Mark Salling actually look his age in this? I just can’t convincingly see him as a 19-year-old recent high school grad anymore.

    Cory Monteith, on the other hand, will forever look 15, at least on Glee. Probably because his character’s at about that level of emotional maturity.

  13. I really appreciated the handful of Battlestar references and also the mental image of Santana and Starbuck fucking.

  14. I enjoyed this recap immensely. I genuinely believe the Finn potato references to be the only consistent theme in the entire Glee universe.

    This was a real mess of an episode. I really don’t understand the point of bringing back characters only for them to sing one forgettable solo or dance for all of 3 seconds. Even if Tina is too Blaine-obsessed to remember her eligible and stable ex-longterm boyfriend still exists, couldn’t we have had a heart-to-heart between her and Mercedes where they commiserate and reminisce about that one episode she was into Kurt? And I completely forgot there was even meant to have been a wedding by about halfway.

    But then I absolutely loved the mass hook-up thing. I agree that the Kurt/Blaine thing felt particularly groundbreaking, but to some extent all of it was, simply because it wasn’t a big deal. All of the pairings were telegraphed at the start of the episode, but not in the “omg having sex with you will irrevocably alter my entire being/future marriage prospects” way, that happens most of the time in these kind of shows (and previous Glee episodes).

  15. So sometimes I miss a recap, but Finn kissed Emma? Were they having an affair or did he assault her? If they were having an affair I have my own feelings about that, but if Finn sexually assaulted her, and they’re playing it for laughs, I don’t even know. I’m so angry about this possibility I can’t even really think.

    • She was having something that seemed like a panic attack and he kissed her to shut her up. (literally).

  16. Also, as someone who has been scrutinising lesbian TV kisses since before cranking up the internet sounded like drunken bird hiccups, I believe the O.C. pic in the historical sweep snogs collage is in fact from Brookside!

    • Also, in my in-depth research to figure out whether Intern Grace would have even been alive when the Brookside/Party of Five episodes aired, I discovered wikipedia actually has an entry dedicated to “lesbian kiss episodes!”

      I feel like these media representations of lesbianism are so much more validated now.

      • what is brookside? i found that party of five pic by googling and it looked like neve campbell so i thought hm, this must be it! i made the graphic not grace

      • That wikipedia article! Wowww… it calls the “lesbian kiss episode” a trope which I guess it is, I hadn’t really thought of it like that (and acknowledges it is often used in sweeps week). It is an interesting list because it isn’t the list of TV lesbian relationships, just the trope. Like, the list shows it was used twice on Sex and the City but there isn’t mention of the fact that also on the same show Samantha was in a LTR with a woman (one of her very few actual relationships). You have to go to another article to find that. I wish the article connected the two, shows that both used the trope and also had lesbian (or, in Samantha’s case, try-sexual) characters because I think that was a BFD actually, for Samantha to have a relationship at all and it was a deeply emotional one. Because though the lesbian kiss episode may frequently be used a stunt, that doesn’t necessarily mean the show was only using gay characters and then throwing them away. Roseanne, which was one of the first on the list, is another example– I don’t even remember that episode but I sure as hell remember Sandra Bernhard!

        • That Samantha episode of Sex and the City was kind of groundbreaking, but also made me kind of furious. Because they completely exploit a lot of the bad stereotypes of how lesbian relationships are different than heterosexual ones. Like how Samantha and her girlfriend spend all their time in the bathtub talking about their feelings? UGH. I realize that it was still kind of progress to even mention lesbians on that show, but I still had a really difficult time sitting through the episode.

    • I tried to start writing this, but integrating Starbuck and Santana into the same universe in a way that made sense made my head start hurting. But I’m pretty sure I wanted to set it in the BSG universe so Starbuck’s fondness for the brig could play a role.

      Clearly my appreciation for continuity disqualifies me from ever being a writer on Glee.

      • I want to make finn a stupid cylon. Like one of the giant ones that can’t talk but can be uploaded time and time again into a new body, because I feel like that’s what keeps happening on Glee.

        Actually, it totally makes sense that Finn is a Cylon bent on destroying the universe. That explains a lot of his behavior on Glee. Finn is a Cylon.

  17. I really liked Quinntana as well and I didn’t mind they kissed at the end because like someone else said, their interactions, specially the dance moment, were tender and sensual. A kiss woulda been nice but I didn’t feel like it was lacking.

    And I liked that Quinn did all the flirting and the pursuing and I totally don’t believe her words when she says it’s an one time thing for her. The moment Santana reassured her she wasn’t going to expect anything from her for it she was okay because as everybody in Tumblr knows, including Dianna Agron, QUINN IS (a bit) GAY.

  18. So after a full year of abstaining, I broke down and watched this episode because I couldn’t help myself at the thought of Santana and Quinn. Here are some notes:

    1)The scene with Kurt and Blaine making out in the back of the car was surprisingly sexy for this show.

    2) I actually liked “Not Getting Married Today”, even though I agree that the “runaway bride” trope is unrealistic and played to hell. Also, OF COURSE Glee can’t just keep a couple together. That’d be way too much to ask.

    3) The scene at the end with all the couples heading to their hotel rooms was actually very well shot, and I enjoyed watching it, although naturally it’d be too much for two girls to kiss. I think Glee has a limit of one gay kiss per episode, and if there is any chance of that being with Kurt and Blaine, they supersede anything else. I couldn’t even muster righteous indignation because, at this point, what was I really expecting.

    4) On Friday I was watching a totally normal episode of Portlandia, and at the end Carrie Brownstein and Chloe Sevigny make out in a sexy manner that you guys might all find more interesting than what happened in this show. Seriously, check it out.

    5) Modern Family is, indeed, one of the worst representations of gay people on TV at this point, but to be fair *every* couple hates each other. It’s just that they get to make out too. Also, gotta love the digs at lesbians, because those assholes are gross! I rewatched the Pilot and there was even a joke about “angry lesbians” in that episode, so I don’t know how I was so blinded when it premiered.

    Basically the moral is that Portlandia, of all shows, has better gay relations and is sexier than Modern Family or Glee. Watch that shit ASAP!

    • “So after a full year of abstaining, I broke down and watched this episode because I couldn’t help myself at the thought of Santana and Quinn.”

      I’m not so far into my Gl** abstention (congratulations on the full year), but my reason for breaking down was the same. That thought is a powerful thought.

      4) “The intelligent girl and the wild rose”

      I always enjoy reading your comments and I agree with this particular one so much that it makes me want to roll down a hill alone, for no reason.

      • “Thanks for making this the best Bastille Day ever!”

        To be honest I thought this week’s Portlandia was one of the best this season even before that last sketch, but that certainly boosted it up over the top.

        And thanks for the kind words. I haven’t been posting here as much lately but I’m still lurking :)!

        • HELLZ YESSSSS re Portlandia. I so loved how 1) it wasn’t a “character”, it was Carrie (I get that Carrie IRL and Carrie on Portlandia aren’t the same but I still think it means something because it is less easy to write off, to say it was Candace or someone) and 2) it was so NBD. The whole point of the skit was Alexandra (fucking love Chloe Sevigny!!) is “whimsical” and that’s why she dates best friends. The focus is on her character and on them being best friends. The end. Not on her super hot making out with Carrie (oh yes, that first shot, “the intelligent girl and the wild rose”– it should be on a poster).

          Good point about Modern Family. I guess I got irritated at that line especially because at least the other characters, even though they snipe at each other constantly too, actually do have physical interactions. Claire and Phil actually are always kissing, so are Jay and Gloria. Not Cam and Mitch. (I actually really love the show though, I think it is super funny. Anything it does that could be offensive in another show is handled so capably by the writers and cast).

          • i think we see way more cute genuine moments (and definitely WAY more sexual tension and sexual behavior) between claire/phil and jay/gloria. i actually think that claire/phil have a pretty balanced relationship and their tomfoolery is a bit more lighthearted than cam/mitchell, which always feels so mean-spirited.

            i also really love the show too we watch it every week, i’ve seen every episode, i love it, it makes me laugh every time. but i love it independently of it featuring gay people, i just don’t think it’s the great positive representation of a gay relationship we all wish it could be.

          • Yes, that is a better way (less clunky than mine) to say it– I like it regardless of the gay characters too and just wish there was any better representation of them. I will say though Nathan Lane’s last appearance and that whole scene about Cat’s in the Cradle was really beautiful. I guess that’s why I think it isn’t usually offensive — because the gay characters are still really dynamic and relatable.

            And I was happily surprised and am still loling at that last bit where Cam and Mitch were (for a snip) imitating Phil and Claire’s hotel bar game. They didn’t kiss but the (imagined) sex was still there — done perfectly.

          • yes! i appreciated that too, that hotel bar scene! our cable was being weird and cutting out in parts, but from what i caught i was really pleased they actually implied that they are sexual creatures.

    • i agree about the scene with them heading to their rooms being really, really well done — i felt like that part reached an emotional climax in the episode we’ve not seen them accomplish yet this season. for the last 20 minutes or so i thought maybe this was the best episode of the season, but wasn’t sure if i had lost my mind or maybe had too much wine.

      • It is super important to always question Glee and your feelings about Glee. And I really dislike that I have given the youtube page for “We’ve Got Tonite” way too many views. I refuse to give Glee any more of my $, but that song tho.

  19. ugh can I just say that finn was the creepiest creeper in that stupid scene with rachel before their song? the one where he’s creepily pulling off the flower petals one by one?

    he was just so pushy with her, insisting that they were “endgame” and meant to be together or whatever, and she kept saying no, and he kept insisting yes, and eventually she gave in, and the show taught everyone that when a girl says no to a guy, she secretly means yes, and it is his job to be a pushy, smarmy creep towards her until she gives in to her “true desire” and has sex with him.

    p.s. I am semi-convinced that the writers for this episode stole all their plot points from fan fic. we already know they steal musical arrangements from the internet, so maybe this is the next step. Even the really good parts of the episode (e.g. the steamy kurt + blaine scene) felt like well done fic, rather than like an actual part of the real show.

    • “he was just so pushy with her, insisting that they were “endgame” and meant to be together or whatever, and she kept saying no, and he kept insisting yes, and eventually she gave in, and the show taught everyone that when a girl says no to a guy, she secretly means yes, and it is his job to be a pushy, smarmy creep towards her until she gives in to her “true desire” and has sex with him.”

      PREACH! I found him so, so creepy.

  20. Thanks for this. I lol-ed at every single picture/caption. In some I laughed so hard I snorted.


  21. For the first time, I’m feeling a slight tinge of regret that I quit watching the shitshow that is Glee.

  22. Considering New Rachel’s destination was seeing the bland Finn Spudson, she should have just stayed home and finished the series.

  23. So, I broke my boycotting a bit and actually watched the Santana-Quinn bits – which was kind of hard, I had to sit through that stupid “Endgame” speech Finn had for Rachel (*rolls eyes*), sit through Artie being a jack*ass, sit through yet another Klaine drama, sit through another ep with Mercedes and Mike REALLY NOT DOING ANYTHING, Tina being called a hag (seriously, when did Tina become so unlikable?!?), but yeah…those Quinn-Santana scenes, hey?!? :)

    I’m still processing those Quinntana bits, because I seriously think Glee is just f*cking with me because…Riese, you’re right, Santana just u-hauled her ass to Rachel’s apartment (ahhahaha! That was the best comment ever!) and now she just banged Quinn! Yes, a threesome with Rachel would be nice (espesh since “Love Song” already showed that these three work well together!). But at the same time…it’s so obviously for sweeps week, and all I could think of was…Glee having Quinn mention Gloria Steinem and stopping having guys define her is just so insulting – namedropping Gloria Steinem doesn’t excuse your tropes or 4 seasons-long of bad writing of Glee, Glee writers! And of course, I had mixed feels about the fact that even the lesbians and bisexuals and bi-curious chicks are also DEFINED by their sexual (casual or otherwise) relationships! This show is incapable of writing women outside the sexual aspect of it. And also, incapable of writing genuine female friendships. Seriously. :)

    And as you mentioned, this WILL BE FORGOTTEN in the next eps, like they forgot Santana used to date Sam, Sam used to date Mercedes, ad infinitum…

    And I agree, the writing in Glee this season seems to have been airlifted from various fan fic stories! I should know! I’ve read them – right from Santana moving in with Rachel, to Santana getting it on with Quinn!

    I hate you show!

    Off to watch “Pitch Perfect” again! This movie is awesome. :)

    Also, Riese, great recap as always! ;)


  24. PS

    Also, must admit…I had a chase straight girls phase too! hahahahaa! ;)

    Quinn and Santana are hot together TBH. :)

  25. I think my fav part was when quinn said “i’ve never slow danced w/ a girl before, i like it” and santana gave her that squint, like ‘did you mean that to sound the way it sounded?’ yeah. that seemed like a real, honest moment.

    • right?? first time I read this article I got to the phrase “Santana Lopez, who must be fucking Kara Thrace” and just stopped there, staring vaguely off into the distance.

  26. of course Quinn had to declare her disappointment in men before she could hook up with out-lesbian Santana.

    • Normally that would bother me but I think Quinn knew what she wanted before she even entered that church and the entire night was just planting the seeds in Santana’s mind. Like Kurt said, everyone hooks up at weddings. Sanatana knows that. Quinn wanted it out there that she wasn’t hooking up with a guy that night.

      Also, Quinn has always actually seemed to have disdain for men.

  27. My favorite part of the episode was Santana’s squint while they were dancing. As I feel like I’ve been Quinn and Santanan in that situation before or situations like it.

    I’m not sure why, but I cringed watching the Love Me, Love Me Not scene. If anyone else had done that scene. Idris Elba, Michael Fassbender, Tyrion Lannister, I would have loved it. But Finn’s overall dopiness turns me off and makes me uncomfortable.

    I really like Ryder. I also didn’t think Jake was being an asshole, he’s just not as intuitive as Ryder, which means Marley should be with Ryder not Jake. Can’t believe I wrote all of that, since I typically fast forward scenes that don’t involve Santana, Quinn, and Kurt/Rachel (was never a fan of Kurt & Rachel by themselves, but love them together), or Rachel with Santana/Quinn.

    Actually I take it back. I like all Rachel scenes not with Finn.
    So there.

  28. Wow so this was the first episode of Glee I watched in a long time since quitting early in the second season when I saw Glee mid-air over a shark and thought “Woah, okay, hey look I’m done with this.”

    Since then the only thing that happened was occasionally I’d laugh along with everyone when I read an episode recap here on Autostraddle. I also heard some murmurs about Unique’s storyline happening, but pretty much ran away from thinking about it or checking in on it because I had less than zero faith that Glee’s writers would do any justice to it. From what I’ve seen from the occasional passes through the recaps, it seems my lack faith was not misplaced.

    Annnyway, this episode was where after years of being away, I stumbled back into the Glee universe again up close and personal. I was surprised to find Sue to be one of the few likable characters (unlike the other characters, you can assume she’s both consistent and written to be over the top in a way that’s *intentionally* funny) and everytime Santana came on the screen I was thrilled she was playing for our team. (She wasn’t the last time I watched Glee, it was one of the few things I heard about that made me want to start watching again… from what I’ve seen, this was one of the few things that changed for the oh so much better since I stopped watching the show.)

    The only reason I ended up watching this episode was I was hanging out with with a girl I’m dating and her posse of queers and they decided to start watching it. I’m pretty thrilled the one episode I saw with them was the one where we could all be happy about a) Santana being on screen and b) Quinn and Santana hooking up.

    I hope Santana and Quinn survive longer than one episode, even if I’m not planning to subject myself to more of this show. Quinn and Santana seem like something the world should have. I’m glad I saw it happen at least once.

    Oh and P.S. also I found Marley to be kind of totally cute and it seemed she rocked that song at the end. Apparently taken out of context of what’s gone on before she’s a much more enjoyable character than she appears from the recaps. Which probably just means she’s a character being held back by the context of the Glee universe rather than maybe being a bad character period. Just a thought. (Protip: For better enjoyment of her character pretend she’s not in a relationship with that guy the storyline insists she’s dating. It shouldn’t be hard since she seemed to express almost zero actual interest or feelings about him.)

  29. I love this episode ЅØ much! Santana and Quinn having sex was ​A̶̲̥̅̊
    nice one… It has given me the courage Ƭ☺ kinda bang ​A̶̲̥̅̊
    straight gee if I get the opportunity lol. Frankly,am watching glee cause of Santana and whatever she acts iѕ cool Ƭ☺ me… ЅØ I do wish she bangs all the girls įη this show lmao!

  30. You guys…!

    I just realized…

    If Rachel is pregnant…

    Would she trick Finn into thinking it’s her baby?!?

    Because I’d totes watch that episode!

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