Season Five Quotes

Recaps:

Episode 501 Recap: LGB Tease

Episode 502 Recap: Look Out, Here They Come!

Episode 503 Recap: Lady of the Lake

Episode 504 Recap: Let’s Get This Party Started

Episode 505 Recap: Lookin’ At You Kid

Episode 506 Recap: Lights, Camera, Action!

Episode 507 Recap: Lesbians Gone Wild

Episode 508 Recap: Lay Down the Law

Episode 509 Recap: Liquid Heat

Episode 510 Recap: Lifecycle

Episode 511 Recap: Lunar Cycle

Episode 512 Recap: Loyal and True


Quotes from L Word Season Five

Kit: “You flew all the way up here? Shane, Shane, she flew all the way up here to keep fightin’ wit’ you, girl! That’s true love! That’s true love!”


+
Jenny: “I want you guys to know what’s going on here. That these people, they’re treacherous, and they’re soulless, and they’re trying to ruin this movie! … So if anyone has any integrity — come with me! You can come with me — you can stand up to these people!!! So who wants to come with me? Who’s with me?”


+
Bette: “There’s been something missing for me. Something that is hard to define I’ve been desperately just trying to create this thing and looking for it but I’ve been flaying and I realize now that you and I we’re never going to find it.”


+
Molly: “So what do people do for fun in this town beside sticking you with lesbian art aficionados and pretending it’s exciting.”


+
Tina: “Jodi, I am so sorry.”
Jodi: “Why is she talking to me? Doesn’t she know I’m deaf?”


+
“You’re an executive
and I’m a writer
and you don’t understand anything about writing
or anything creative for that matter.
So excuse me Tina
but I actually have to get back to work.”
(Jenny)


+
Max: “Why did you go to school in Orlando, Adele?”
Jenny: “Because she loves Disneyworld.”


+
Molly: “It’s a free country. I can support boobs if I want to. GO BOOBS!”


+
Shane: “I don’t want to be your fucking loser fuck buddy. I really don’t. I don’t want you to pity me. I don’t want you to save me. I don’t want to be your teacher into the gay world. I don’t want any of it. So, just go home.”


+
Bette: “Hey, I need to tell you something.”
Tina: “What?”
Bette: “You look really great in those pants.”


+
Alice: “OMG! You guys are on CRACK! Fucking is cheating, kissing is cheating whether you do it forty times or once its cheating! Come on! Crazy people.”


+
Kit: “What am I gonna do with those SheBitches. Man! They’re going to open back up and when they do guess what everybody’s going to want to go over there and see Nikki Stevens and her greasy ass.”


+
Jenny: “My pussy is so numb.”


+
Molly Kroll: “I don’t know if I’m gay, I don’t know if I’m straight, but I know that I want to be with you.”
Shane: “We had terrible sex.”
Molly: “No, it was great for me! You don’t just get on a bike and know how to ride it – same with riding a girl. So I freaked out. Big deal. You’ve just been with so many girls that you don’t remember your first time. Well, guess what, it was my first time. And it was great! It was better than with Richard, and with guys, and with anybody! And I’m really into you! And I swear, next time, I WILL SO GO DOWN ON YOU!!”
Shane: “Molly, Molly, you’re making a scene. Please … seriously, why do you want to be with me? Think about it. Because you’ve been using me to get back at your mother the whole  time.”
Molly: “I haven’t. I haven’t been using you. I’ve never flown to the Pacific Northwest to chase a girl I barely know. And I’m here and I’m really crazy about you. And I need you to give me another chance even if I’m awful in bed … I know I’m still Gay 101, but I’m a really fast learner and before you know it I’m gonna be Advanced Placement Gay, and then Graduate Level Gay, and fuck law school, I’ll get my Doctorate in fucking Gay!”


+
Helena: “I’m totally, totally against killing.”


+
Alice: “Hey – hey — [hushing them] Just don’t drop the soap.”
Alice & Tina: “Don’t drop the soap.
Shane: “I wouldn’t.”


+
Bette Porter: “Just this whole ex-girlfriend becoming best friend things I mean it’s you and your ex, me and my ex its really my idea of some kind of nightmare lesbian dinner party.”


+
Molly: “What kind of bullshit tent is this?”
Shane: “It was on sale at Costco.”
Molly: “And you expect me to have Advanced Placement lesbian sex in this shitty runt tent?”
Shane: “Yeah, I do.”


+
Tina: “You know, it’s not like I didn’t go for months at a time without having sex when we were together.”


+
Nikki: “Here I thought you were hard to get.”
Shane: “I’m not hard to get.”
Nikki: “Hmm, not hard to get, just hard to keep.”


+
Tina: “That’s because you’re a ho.”
Shane: “I ain’t a ho, bitch!”
Alice: [nodding yes] “Kinda.”
Shane: “Don’t you go projecting.”


+
Jenny: “We should get you some jeans now, because, um, Adele, the appliqué on the back of your jeans was declared an abomination by the Geneva Convention.”


+
Bette: “Jenny can do whatever she wants with her silly movie. I’m completely detached from the notion that it has anything to do with my life. It is fiction. Fiction.”


+
Bette: “I love Tina. I’ve always loved Tina.”


+
Jenny: “Bette and Tina should have stayed together. They should have found the courage to work it out. Instead of just running away from each other like that.”


+
Alice: “Are you in love with Bette? Again?”
Tina: “I’ve always been in love with Bette.”


+
Tina: “I can’t help it. It’s something that I can’t help. I want to be with her.”


+
Jenny: “Well, I’m in no position to judge. Love makes people so insane. Do you know that my friends think I’m out of my mind. For falling in love with you?”


+
Tina: “She’s an Alpha Female!”
Shane: “She’s British!”


+
Alice: “I hope you bleed soon. I really do.”


+
Helena: “There are no sheets Alice! And the food here tastes like SHIT. My cell mate is like this massive homicidal psychopath who’s probably going to kill me in my sleep!”


+
Aaron: “More lesbian sex! We want more of it! You’re the one who said lesbians are always sleeping with their friends!”


+
Kit: “Oh girl … that means if Jackie even look atchoo wrong, she’s gotta answer to Dusty. Girl, I hope Dusty’s tough enough to take care of you.”


+
Alice: “I don’t think it’s OK to kiss your boyfriend one day and then go out and trash gay people the next. Especially if you’re a public figure and you have people looking up to you. No, I don’t feel bad. I do not feel bad about what I did.”


+
Helena: “How do you know all this?”
Kit: “I been places, okay? … shit. Have I.”


+
Alice: “I’m just having a hard time understanding why you wanna be part of an institution that hates who you are.”


+
Bette: “Do it again, Phyllis. Some lesbians; you have to break up with them more than once.”


+
Jenny: “Don’t listen to her, she wears mom jeans with camel toe.”


+
Helena: “I’m quite happy to finish my time and pay my debt to society.”
Peggy: “For God’s sake, pull yourself together. Peabody’s don’t have debts, darling, not to anyone. And certainly not to society.”


+
Jenny: “Well you know what, Kevin? I don’t really care what you and your fucking purple tie think about my whereabouts, okay? What the fuck do you think this is, 1952, where you can give her a beard so you can pretend she’s straight? You should be ashamed of yourself.”


+
Bette: “I just made up that my sister was robbed at gunpoint to get out of bowling? Why would I ever wanna give up the opportunity to wear smelly used shoes, drink warm domestic beer, and kick your ass?”


+
Peggy: “Our family doesn’t go to court, we go to Europe.”


+
Alice: “Has anybody seen Shane’s vagina, ’cause I think she dropped it somewhere.”


+
Shane: “That I love.”
Jenny: “Why?”
Shane: “Because it’s see-through.”


+
Jenny: “Oh my God, this is so expensive. I could buy a house …
in Cambodia,
with this watch.”


+
Bette: “I can’t answer your fucking question…You know why, because it’s not me, it’s not me…And apart from anything else, I am frankly…fucking flabbergasted, I am flabbergasted that she casted such a white actress. She’s white! Okay? Was Mary fucking Poppins not available?”


+
Alice: “No one’s ever really committed arson over Shane before. Like, what’s next?”


+
Jenny: “You don’t have to listen to what he says. He’s not even a human being. He’s an agent.”


+
Jenny: “Nobody ever wants to see Nina having sex. No one will ever go to the film.”


+
Gina: “Does that mean you’ll never get married?”
Abigail: “Gay people aren’t allowed to get married, you idiot.”
Gina: “I know, but they can still pretend.”


+
Adele: “I can’t believe I’m meeting you.”
Jenny: “You are. You’ve met me.”


+
Shane [in Jenny’s film] “I don’t know, I’d be happy to taste the fruit, peel the section, and squeeze the juice with her.”
Tina [in Jenny’s film]:

“Get in line, sister.”


+
Shane (to Tina): “Please, do not go back to men whatever you do!”


+
Joyce: “If it isn’t the pillow princess.”
Alice: “You are sloppy seconds, right?”


+
Jenny: “Aaron, it doesn’t look like she’s a writer.”
Aaron: “You’re beautiful, you’re a writer, why can’t she play a beautiful writer?”
Jenny: “Because it looks like the last book she read was ten years ago, Are You There God It’s Me Margaret ?”


+
Alice: “Oh G-d I am so bored with you and this. No wait. Fine. We’ll stay home and we’ll rent Private Benjamin.”


+
Shane: “Jesus Christ, it’s like South Beach threw up in here. I don’t know what happened.”


+
Cindy: “Girls in L.A. love their drama, don’t they?”
Shane: “I think girls everywhere love their drama.”


+
Jenny: “This is what I want you to do. You are going to look at her — and you’re going to TAKE HER — and you’re going to THROW HER UP AGAINST THE SINK — and you’re gonna look at her with passion, and you’re gonna kiss her, with tongue. And then I want you to reach down and then I want you to finger fuck her and give her the best fucking orgasm EVER. Go for it!”
Bev: “Oh, you mean with my hand?”
Jenny: “Yeah, unless you have some other apperatti that I don’t know about? … Wow, it looks like you guys are sort of doing a like dance … it might be nice if you looked like you were, you know, actually giving her pleasure rather than moving furniture … you know … AH! — that looks like .. like … you’re sewing up a hole in her jeans … Okay! Step away! Move away from here! Step away from each other!”


+
Alice: “The size of you doesn’t scare me. I’m smaller than you and I can outrun you. Have I told you that I’m the earth mother of the producer’s child?! I’ve been here like a kabillion times.”


+
Alice: “Am I some sort of idiot because I’m out? Is the joke on me? … The hypocrisy is just a little bit too much for me. Oh! I have an idea! Why don’t you and Colonel Davis meet, and you can talk about how to keep gays out of the military AND out of the movies! OOO! Fun for you!”


+
Kit:“I’m gonna get those hoebags back I swear to GAWD mark my word … She-BITCHES.”


+
Phyllis: “Where are you going?”
Molly: “To go gay for Shane. We’re going to adopt Chinese babies and live in a trailer park.”


+
Shane: “If it was to happen, you would probably freak out afterwards and then you’d most likely go back to your boyfriend in Vermont and then I’d be stuck in the cold with nothing but the distinct memory of mediocre sex.”


+
Bette: “This is really one of the most excruciating things I’ve been through.”


+
Alice: “You know what? This whole thing? This whole thing is a crock. It’s a freakin’ witch hunt. You’re trying to say that Tasha’s a lesbian because of her association with me? With lame trumped up evidence? I’m sorry, but I could just as easily say that I think you’re a lesbian Colonel Davis, with a propensity to engage in homosexual conduct, because of the way you looked at me in the hallway yesterday–”
Davis: “That is enough, Ms. Pieszecki.”
Alice: “If all I have to do is establish that you know one lesbian — one lesbian — and maybe you had lunch with her once? I bet there aren’t a lot of women who wear that uniform who haven’t eaten out with a lesbian in their time –”


+
Davis: “Do you agree that the military codes of conduct be adhered to at all times?”
Tasha: “I always have … until now.”
Davis: “I’m sorry?”
Tasha: “One of the things that is asked of us when we go to the front lines is that we be prepared to be separated from the people that we love. And we ask that of them, too. We ask them to let us go and fight for their freedom, maybe to never come home. And when we do come home, we feel blessed. It seems so wrong, now, to have my personal freedom denied to me within my own country. It seems wrong to watch the person that I love be interrogated like a criminal when she did nothing wrong.”
Davis: “The person you love? To whom are you referring, Captain Williams?”
Tasha: “Alice Pieszecki, Colonel.”


+
Jenny: “It’s not a man-hating film. But the scene as written is about the experience of being forced to have sex with this guy when the night before you’ve had the most beautiful mind blowing sex … with a woman. Now this hairy guy is just pounding you like URM URRR URRR … What does that do? It hurts. You wanna cry. Okay. Is that okay with you?”


+
Shane: “I got an idea, what if you kept your mouth shut for two seconds and you actually let your girlfriend talk?”
Dawn: “Because she’s got nothin’ to say.”
Lover Cindi: “Go fuck yourself.”
Shane: “See, I thought that was something.”


+
Jenny: “Well, I think she has a face like an extra … so, she can be an extra. In my movie.”


+
Shane: “What’s up, Double D?”
Alice: “Fuck no, Denbo.”


+
Bette: “We both care about the quality of life, and you know, I like the choices you make, and the things that you surround yourself with. I mean, there’s attention to beauty, I think that’s important. And I’m comfortable with the people in your world, and I think you’re comfortable with the people in mine.”
Tina: “We both like the same people.”
Bette: “And we dislike the same people.”


+
Molly: “Richard thinks I’m oddly proportioned.”
Shane: “Richard’s a tool.”
Molly: “I know, we went to Nantucket last summer and I caught him jacking off to internet porn when I wasn’t looking. How gross is that, yeah? He says he loves me but he’s totally full of shit.”
Shane: “Why are we still talking about Richard?”


+
Peggy: “Why don’t you buy it back? Every lowlife has a price, Helena, and most likely a peccadillo or two that can be discovered, if you know what I mean.”


+
Tina: “You were my first, and I thought I would die.”
Bette: “I never left you.”
Tina: “Yes you did. But then you came back.”


+
Lover Cindy: “How could I do anything when I don’t have a thought in my head? I mean, that’s what you tell people … right? That I don’t have a thought in my head?”
Dawn: “This is the thought in your head?!!”


+
Molly: ” What do girls do now? Throw their drink in your face?”
Shane: “Yeah, sometimes they do.”
Molly: “I’m not gonna do that. You don’t deserve that, you deserve compassion. But I’m not gonna try to save you, that’s something you have to do for yourself. So good luck figuring your shit out, um, take your time. Hopefully I’ll still be around.”


+
Jenny: “I didn’t give you anything, Adele. You stole it.”


+

Jenny: “You’ve broken my heart.”

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2836 articles for us.

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