When You Wish Upon a Star, Your Lesbian Dreams Come True!
I completed/published the recap in stages this week — we were very busy this weekend making memories and I couldn’t get the whole recap done by 10 P.M. on Sunday, which’s generally the imaginary deadline I set for myself and upon which you’ve likely come to depend. If I were you, I might hate me a little bit, like, “You can’t write our recap ’cause you’re getting drunk with the Pirates of the Carribean? You nanny-fucking motherfucker what the frickin’ frack?” And that’s okay. I still love YOU even if I’ve strained your love for me, ’cause my love for you is unconditional; like stars, sunshine, and rainbows. Also Haviland is leaving town for two months so I’m very fragile, this is an important stage in my process called “denial,”be nice.
First of all — thank you, all of you, for voting me into the Top Five “Lesbian Blog of the Year” Contestants. Now I’m a Finalist! which means now I’m in the final stage: the real race for the real prizes! Now you must go here — this part is quick, no commenting or link/comment field confusion involved — and vote. You can vote for me or for one of the four other dynamic & compelling lesbians up for the Dyke Duck: Sugar Butch, Lesbian Dad, Hahn at Home and Dorothy Surrenders. Also, did you guys see After Hours when Cherrie Jaffee is like “Surrender Dorothy!”? That’s hot. It’s a whole movie about what happened before we had cell-phones.
First! A very important message from Cait:
“Hi lesbians, it’s Caitttt, how’s everyone? Good I hope, we’re in Disney, Riese is recapping The L Word, it’s all very exciting. So last week when we decided to come to The House of the Mouse, we were all in a panic about what was going to happen with the recap. It’s super annoying to be on vacation with someone who’s always recapping The L Word: Sunday rolls around and Riese is in a hot panic to make sure that it’s up before 10 pm. So … we had a team meeting and decided that I would help her out by watching and summarizing the show for her and she’d put together a low key recap for Sunday and the rest would be finished when we get back. But OMG, you guys; recapping The L Word my head exploded about 9 times and it was more than I could handle and Riese is my hero for real. It’s because of these recaps that Riese and I are friends [editor’s note: this is how we met], but if I was her, I would have quit a long time ago, seriously, it’s seriously hard. I’ve been guilty in the past of mouthing off about how long it takes Riese to write these recaps and now I totally understand what takes so long. Think about it: there are probably 50 scenes an episode [en: usually around 35], if it only takes 10 minutes per scene, that is 500 minutes, and that is over 9 hours. Unfortunately it takes more that [en: about 20-25 per scene, and another 1-2 hours to format the whole thing], and therefore each of these recaps takes Riese about 15 hours. Guys, I was pausing and typing and pausing and typing and I probably watched the episode 6 times, I watched it so much that now I can’t even remember what happened, also my head’s that hard. Sooooo this week, every time you lol, every time you agree with the witty things that Ms Bernard says, show her some love, drop a tip. Also, who’s watching Angelica? Seriously.”
I’ve included comments from Cait’s summary of the episode, as well as carefully planned reaction shots within the Disney parks — though Natalie’s actually only seen the show twice and wasn’t there when we watched 507 last week, she’s my BFF from college/forevs and knows how to be fierce. You’ll see. It’s quite a party on this blog this week, really.
- The cop who came to bust up all the fun on the set was totally GEORGE FRANKLY from MATHNET. I called him “Barney Fife,” what’s wrong with me? As I’ve mentioned 100 times, as a little girl I was only allowed to watch teevee w/o commercials, a.k.a the Disney Channel and PBS. My fave program, Square One, featured a Dragnet parody sketch in which George Frankly and Pat Tuesday would solve mysteries using math! It was delightful. I cannot believe I didn’t notice this, I have betrayed the Children’s Television Workshop and PBS and therefore all children everywhere. Thank you luvtub.
- Haviland’s not moving to L.A., she’s just gonna be there and in other non-NYC locales for the next two months.
- Adele and Jenny are shopping in Holt Renfrew, which’s a very strange name for a department store, but whatever, it’s Canada. I mean, here we have Marshall Field’s and Bloomingdales and Sears. And Kohl’s. Which are great names. Thank you team gingerbread.
- Thank you Victoria, for this correction of my own attempt at a joke, which failed to recognize its own underlying truths: “one mistake I noticed, though. Fact: Both the Ten Commandments and CatFancy Magazine were originally inscribed on stone tablets and delivered via spiral toss from God to Moses on the cold, windswept slopes of Mt. Ararat. America, like Lez Girls, did indeed begin on paper.”
- Thank you rhianaon, for filling me in on this: “there were subtitles on the regular airing…it was like “tell them your judgment was clouded because Professor Lerner (yes, I sadly know her last name too) is an incredibly hot fuck.”
- It’s “effect” not “affect,” re: my comedy stylings. Seriously I like when people correct my grammar, so thanks “anonymous.”
- The stir-fry that was left on the stove probs caught on fire and the whole place burned down, I bet Dawn Denbo did it.
So … I think L is for “Law & Order.” Y’know? “Ripped from the headlines” and so on? I might enjoy one or two brand-spankin’-new original storylines, actually, rather than this Meta-Parody-Satire-Fest. I’m enjoying this season quite a bit and I’m aware it’s 2008 and most good stories have already been told by someone, like Shakespeare or Brandon Walsh, but SERIOUSLY:
- Lez Girls = “The Creek” (the movie and subsequent teevee series directed by the character Dawson of “Dawson’s Creek.” The subject? His friends and their torrid love triangle, with almost exact dialogue and cute name changes like Petey/Pacey! ).
- The Adele Storyline = All About Eve (Eve Harrington = Adele Harrington! Pieces of the story not adding up! Small attempts to sabotage! Biggest fan turned replacement!) = Tara Marks/Kelly Taylor on 90210.>
- Alice outing the basketball player = Perez Hilton outing spree = Tim Hardaway’s anti-gay comments.
- Alice on The Look = Rosie on The View
- Alice outing Nikki = concerns about Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres’s ability to “play straight” following their outing = Kate being in the closet while Leisha was out = J-Beals outing Kate. Just sayin’ …
Lesbian Squabble #17: Fasten Your Seatblets, It’s Gonna be a Bumpy Ride
In the Ring: Nikki vs. Begonia
Content: We’re on set with an entertainment news broadcaster at Lez Girls, where Nikki Stevens is totally flubbing the precise sequence of “ums” and “likes” that compose her “line.” So, Jenny’s got total recall for this script, it’s uncanny, almost, some might say — “unrealistic.” Also, Begonia is a stupid name. Nikki has a giggle fit when Begonia interrupts Jesse’s attempt at declaring her non-lesbianism with the suggestion that she’s not “a big coffee drinker.” Begonia freaks: she cannot work with this! (Also, she sounds just like Marina! I mean, she’s no Haviland, but she’ll do.) Nikki can’t work with someone hating her from across the table, Begonia says “it’s called acting,” but Nikki retorts that it’s actually called “acting with an asshole.” OK, that would be really weird, acting with an asshole. You’d be like “what’s up?” and then there’d be this ass in your face, and it’d be like “I hate you.” Also, having sat across the table from someone who threw a plate at my head, there are far worse things that can happen from across the table than “hating.”
Who Wins?: The future purchasers of the DVD of Lez Girls, who, unlike those who shilled out for TLW on DVD, are gonna get spicy DVD extras like this. I’m hoping Season Five’s DVD will include some spicy clips from OurChart. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll MAX’S GODDAMN PODCAST. Is this podcast-withholding a trick to get me to care about Max? Because it’s WORK-ing!
Dawn Denbo Said Knock You Out: The SheBar people are on set at Lez Girls(I can imagine the craigslist ad that recruited these young postcard-givers, like “ACTRESSES! LIKE HOT GIRLS AND HAWT NIGHTS? $700/WEEK!” but the pay’s really more like $5), passing out Lesbian Turkish Oil Wrestling fliers. Tina’s already disturbed about the Begonia/Nikki issue and is further unimpressed by SheBar’s on-set recruitment. She tells Adele to make it stop ’cause Nikki’s easy to distract, like a little puppy who’s often liable to run away (like Lassie or Old Yeller), take off all her clothes and wrestle naked in hot oil w/the director of her film. Or whatevs.
Review My Press and Tell It Like It Is: Nikki says Begonia’s a “c-u-n-t” and Jenny says “that’s very good, you know how to spell cunt!” which’s cute. Then, Jenny (in a real person, not-psycho voice) asks Nikki to be nice to Begonia. Nikki says okay, she’ll do it for Jenny. Sidenote, I hope Nikki gets her own Little Bratz Doll when she becomes a star.
The Man Behind the Axe Always Gets a Full Meal: Hi Ho, Hi Ho, We’re Soldiers, We Speak Proper, National Guard Hoo-HA! One Two Three HUT! Prosecuting Attorney Davis has arrived! Opposing Counsel Beech says HAAAYYY! I’m the worst bullshitter ever, good thing I’m not in the army, there’s no way I could respond to, “So you’re the enemy” with: “I certainly hope not ma’am, we’re all serving the same country.” I’d have to add “which, p.s., is spiraling towards mass apocalyptic extinction due to the Bush Administration.”
Cait: “At the army base, a total lesbian (Colonial Davis) cruises up getting ready to prosecute Tasha for being a lesbian. I mean, someone asks her about her golf game, clearly she’s been to a Dinah Shore weekend or two in her time.”
Tasha’s Defense Team
Das Boot: Beech thinks they’re fucked. Apparently Davis’s “the winningest prosecutor in the field” and likes rules like homosexual conduct. Tasha looks intently at Beech’s giant computer screen, probs fighting the urge to check her OurChart profile and see if Alice has changed her status from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” yet.
Alex: “You know who Beech sounds like? He sounds like our President.”
I’ve Always Wanted to Do A Show With Women of Different Generations ..: Alice is taking her turn as guest host on a show called The Look, where two idiotic ladies — one of whom is sporting a haircut that gives me serious 90’s nostalgia —
— are really testing the limits of Alice’s overall human superiority by saying silly things about Paris Hilton, the internet as a bad source of news and Wikipedia. Alice points out that Fox News — a TV station — is lying, which’s basically telling women like these that Wal-Mart exploits its workers — they don’t really care about anything, they just want a good deal. This Rosie storyline would be totally amazing & fun (’cause I love Rosie, seriously, and believe in her as one of the most solidly empathetic & compassionate hearts we’ve got in this world) if there weren’t so many ripped-off storylines already this season. I dunno, it’s just getting overwhelming. Howevs … I love how The Look Ladies keep mis-naming OurChart. I wonder how they feel about eating squirrels.
The Family Hour: Back at Casa Portard, Bette, Kit and Jodi are watching morning teevee for the first time ever — I love this, ’cause it reminds me of when Hav & I started watching The View religiously as soon as someone we knew got on it (Ro) and subsequently stopped watching it when Rosie left. Seriously, I used to plan my mornings around it and Hav & I often texted each other w/running commentary throughout. Now Hav’s in L.A., sigh. Anyhow, right. THIS SHOW. Bette stole her shirt from “It’s A Small World,” I swear, I was just there.
I Was Sure I Was Growing Pains, Like Lead in My Feet: Molly shows up for her play-date with Bette, which Bette’s been roped into by Phyllis. Molly’s gonna spend the day learning about lesbians and their healthy relationships while absorbing culture via galleries of modern art. Good thing she’s not also planning to learn about child-rearing, ’cause Angelica has once again been snatched into the vortex. Jodi’s not going, ’cause she’s having lunch with her ex, Amy. How is Molly gonna learn about healthy relationships w/o Jodi? Molly states immediately, “Yeah, I don’t understand modern art.” Clearly she hasn’t seen those greeting cards with the babies dressed up as flowers, those are very easy to understand. You know what I’m talking about? Molly glances at the teevee and recognizes Alice from her “mom’s degrading podcast.” I kinda feel her right now … she’s just embarrassed ’cause her Mom’s acting kinda ridiculous, and it’s coming off as homophobia but maybe it’s not. For once I can say this: I’ve totally been there.
Cait: How old is she that her mom is still making her go to degrading things?
Alex: I don’t know but she’s cute and that’s all that matters.
Sooo … back to Assholes Across the Table: In Repression-Central, Tasha volunteers to help Davis carry boxes into her office. Davis notices Tasha’s badges or something (probs like Girl Scout Cookies badges) and asks her if she was in combat in Iraq or Afghanistan, they chit-chat about Iraq and Davis admits she’s never been in combat. Pussy. When Tasha reveals why she’s not in the Middle East fighting an endless war, Davis gets pissed ’cause they’re not supposed to talk (opposing counsel and all). Probs Davis sees how hot Tasha is and isn’t sure if she can resist jumping her bones, it’s like those Evangelical Christians who always turn out to be gay as blazes. Cait: “Then Tasha gets dismissed and Colonial Davis totally checks out her ass. srsly.”
Like “Hot Topics” But Fun Gay: It’s commercial break at The Look, and they’re letting Alice know that she needs to change her tune to stay on the show. They want gay (“gay is good”) but they want “the right kind of gay.” “Fun gay. Not angry gay.” They’d like her to out someone every episode. Seriously, that will get old fast, everyone already knows about Jodie Foster. When I saw The View, they had contests and made jokes during commercial breaks, there was no yelling-at-Leisha. Just sayin’. Commercial’s over … the camera comes on, and so does the pressure … they even get the whole audience chanting “dish dish dish dish” and … Alice, grinning through the pain, does. I think she’s doing the wrong thing fo’sho, but I’m sure she’s panicking on live television, especially now when her life’s so unstable, this gig could pay really well and maybe she does want it and hopes she could eventually make some good changes if she were to secure a spot the slimy way. So, she outs Nikki but obliquely: she asks which “Maxim-endorsed starlet” is a little closer to her “role as a Sapphic sister” than she’d like to admit. I doubt Nikki could’ve stayed closeted for long, but again — it’s not Alice’s place to do it for her, especially considering she’s friends with the producer — and she’s doing it for all the wrong reasons.
Take pictures at picture spots, out people at outing spots. Simple.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #19: I Think It’s Best We Do A Little Bit of Stopping, Or Um, Not:
The Players: Nikki and Jenny
The Pick-Up: Jenny interrupts the dance party in Nikki’s trailer and then, when the coast is clear, says to Nikki, “Tina wanted me to talk to you …” Tina thinks they shouldn’t be “so obvious” on set. There’s 500 heterosexual males on set who directly disagree with that statement. Also, me, I disagree. I’ve been accused of acting “like a guy” before, so that’s that.
Hot or Not: Brief, but promising. There’s some suggestive counter-sitting and tights-groping. Howevs, if I was one of the 100 girls just kicked out of that trailer, I wouldn’t be thinking “they’re so subtle they need a new word for ‘subtle.'” Hot.
Cait: “Jenny kicks everyone out and then she and Nikki get down to business. Not the movie business, the bedtime business. “
What Girl on Girl Smoochfest? Tina’s getting yelled at by Nikki’s people for Alice’s little slip-up. But Tina’s got it under control, they’re gonna put out a press release saying that Leisha Hailey — I mean — Gretchen Pickles — is the only gay cast member. The DP busts up this convo to ask Tina for a crane … in exchange, the DP promises her “undying love and affection.” They pretend to flirt a little but are probs just saying “watermelon, watermelon.” Bette, Kit & Molly arrive on set and spot Tina. Tina spies Bette and tells the DP Bette’s her “ex” and her mystery child’s “other mother.” Introductions all around, and when the DP busts, Kit tells Tina she and The DP have got “something” going on, and Bette is her usual mature jealous self. Obvs she needs to talk to Tina ASAP about Angie’s preschool. The first step to getting her into school is making sure she’s still alive. Just an idea. Kit takes Molly to show her around the set, which she knows like it was her very own place.
My Cunt is Built Like a Wound That Won’t Heal: It’s Lunch-with-the-Ex Time! Thanks to Marlene for filling me in on the dialogue here, since it’s not on the DVD screener, which meant I originally made up a very witty conversation that bore no resemblance to its actuality. Basically, Amy’s sorry for being a cunt to Bette (cunt! cunt! cunt! it’s CUNT DAY!), Jodi says Bette & Tina are still friends, so she and Amy can be friends, and then Jodi asks Amy how the sex is with her new lover. She should date Bette, they’re both really obsessed with what their exes are doing without them (in bed) … oh wait. She is. I feel a little sorry for Jodi here, ’cause she seems to be forgiving Bette for her moodiness when she should probs dig a little deeper so see what’s goin’ on.
I Want To Draw You a Floorplan of My Head and Heart: Bette thinks “Bev and Nina’s room” on set looks “straight out of the children’s department at G-d knows where.” I’m not G-d, but I’m guessing “Sears.”
Cait: “Clearly Bette has serious taste and unlike some people would not like to live in IKEA.” (We would.)
Bette asks which side is Nina’s, and they share some uncomfortable dialogue before cozying up on their fake bed, leaning in for the kiss and … see, when it’s time to play sexy games, Bette doesn’t seem to care so much about Jenny stealing her soul. Which concerns me. Also, I think it’d be funnier if the mattress was cardboard and when they both sat on it, it totally collapsed. Then Tina’s called to set before the smoochfest can begin.
Cait: “Tina does the classic hair fix and walks out of there to put out fires. I hate that expression, only firefighters put out fires.” There’s a lot of interruptions going on this episode. Bette looks like she’s about to cry. This whole scene felt kinda weird to me, what’s going on.
Alice is trying to get onto the set, but she’s no longer welcome …
Quote of the Week: “The size of you doesn’t scare me. I’m smaller than you and I can outrun you. Have I told you that I’m the earth mother of the producer’s child?! I’ve been her like a kabillion times. I’m cleared, please just call Ms. Kinnard … I don’t know who Mr. Bluetooth IS … Tina! Will you please tell the Incredible Hulk to let me in?” (Alice, to security)
Lesbian Squabble #18: The News Broke Today So We’re Not Talking
In the Ring: Alice vs. Tina
Content: Alice is unimpressed that the guard’s not letting her on set — she’s the earth mother of the producer’s child, after all. He’s probs like “Child? What child? I’ve never seen Ms. Kennard with a baby, perhaps she’s spinning on the magic teacups at The Closed Planet with Mrs. Kit Potter.” Then Tina comes over to clear up this misunderstanding. Except there is no misunderstanding, Alice has indeed been banned from the set for outing Nikki on “The Look,” which Alice thinks is fine, as she didn’t use Nikki’s name or anything.
Who Wins?: Okay confession corner. Alice is really making me want to stick sporks in her eyes. On the one hand — I know — and trust me, I KNOWWWW — how frustrating it is when people ask you to censor yourself for their complacent purposes and “their purposes” are “conforming to the patriarchal homophobic aristocratic republican conservative money-worshipping bullshit corporate empire.” Howevs, Alice’s is essentially making the opposition’s point for them by being clumsy and careless, and furthermore, outing Nikki to earn a spot amongst another corporate empire — daytime teevee, populated by women she doesn’t respect or admire. I know she’s frustrated ’cause she feels like no-one’s respecting her decision to be honest about who she is and furthermore, she feels like not only do they not respect that but they actually see her truth as an inconvenience that prevents profitable movies and military careers. But Come on, Alice! Get your shit together! ‘Cause even right now, she’s kinda being hilarious and I want her to win.
Like this line, to Tina:
“Am I some sort of idiot because I’m out? Is the joke on me? … The hypocrisy is just a little bit too much for me. Oh! I have an idea! Why don’t you and Colonel Davis meet for a drink, and you can talk about how to keep gays out of the military AND out of the movies! OOO! Fun for you!”
-Why I Love Alice Pisecki
Who wins? The man. The man wins.
She’d Go Gay For Shane: Shane’s doing hair while Molly stands around, looking studiously aloof. Shane remarks sarcastically that Molly looked like she was having a fabulous time at her Mom’s party, but Molly didn’t see Shane there, which doesn’t surprise Shane: “I noticed you were too busy checking out those 50-year-olds in their black bras,” she jokes. Molly doesn’t want to be reminded of her Mom’s degradation. Shane tells Molly she should smile more often. Because when you’re smiling, when you’re smiling, the whole world smiles with you. Shane wants Molly’s junk, anyhow, time to go watch movie magic get made!
honey, i shrunk the lesbians!
Lesbian Sexy Moment #20: I Just Wanna Go Someplace Where Nobody Knows My Name
The Players: Nikki and Jenny
The Pick-Up: Um, I think that happened a long time ago. Like around noon?
Hot or Not? They’ve spent the morning fucking. Now Nikki wants to go out. Jenny nixes that — they’ve gotta work, she’s old. Jenny’s being a real person. Nikki protests Jenny’s desire to work via naked body kissing. Seriously, FIRED, that girl has the work ethic of a potato. Then Nikki busts out that she wants to have babies with Jenny and start a family. OK Nikki should’ve been at the Magic Kingdom at about 9 p.m. Sunday when this girl fully had a heels-locked red-faced screaming/crying breakdown like it was SERIOUS you guys. Then, Nikki would be over children (JK, I still want them, though I imagine Jenny’s would come out with three heads). Anyhow, Jenny says “no you don’t,” which’s the right answer. The next thing you say is “Okey dokey, I’m leaving now,” then you take your clothes and run.
Nikki wants to have a big family and go to Ireland … or Japan. This is like the world showcase at Epcot, she’s like, “Morocco, Mexico, whatever, it’s a small world after all, clearly. You can write bad novels anywhere, what are we doing here? Communist Romania anyone? Bangladesh? Enchanted Tiki Room? Time travel?”
Then Nikki’s surprised that (according to Jenny) no one’s ever said such a thing to Jenny before. Firstly, that’s a lie, Tim totally did. Didn’t Nikki read Lez Girls Hot.
Also. Also. Also. They’re interrupted by: “Does anyone have a 20 on Jenny?” Which reminds me of “Does anyone have a 20 on Shane?”, as echoed on the Huffington show when Shane the hairstylist has gone missing, and obvs no one’s got that “20,” ’cause Shane’s fucking Carmen in the sound room. I know this because the track “Shane and Carmen Fucking” by my favorite musician EZ Girl is on my workout mix. No seriously, it actually is. I’m not an EZ Girl fan, in fact I loathe them, but it’s a hot track, not gonna lie. Jenny groans … this is like when your Mom calls when you’re fucking. Remember when that happened with the Internet Searcher formally known as Moira? That was awkward. She was like “Warren, fuck the patriarchy.”
The Jenny Moment: “We could get the fuck out of L.A., this terrible place –” followed by the distinct Jenny-tear-up, prompted by a lot of feelings.
In Our Bedroom After the War: Davis has a huge caseload and would like to dispose of some silly cases, like the gay girl who’s trying to prove she’s not gay so she can keep on attempting to sacrifice her life for our fucked up country. Davis suggests that Tasha accept an honorary discharge, but Tasha says “fuck off.” Beech is the new James, ’cause he spins “fuck off” into: “My client respectfully declines your offer.”
Cait: “Davis offers Tasha a deal, but Tasha says no deal. Thank God they didn’t get Howie Mandel on this show, or my head would really explode.”
Kit and Shane are strolling through the fake Planet. Kit aggressively volleys a few pool balls, tells Shane (exposition!) that she can open The Planet in a week, and then busts out with some characteristic Kit Porter deliciousness …
Kit: “I’m gonna get those hoebags back I swear to G-D mark my word … She-BITCHES.”
All About Adele: Adele not-so-subtly drops a Lesbian Turkish Oil Wrestling promo postcard and Nikki quickly takes the bait — she’s just gotta go — and she flees. Tina lets Adele off the hook, “It’s not your fault, thanks for trying.” Tina tells Bette that Nikki & Jenny fuck every day in their trailer and it’s driving her crazy, but then Bette’s gotta go. She and Tina share some tellingly giddy and awkward moments. They’re nervous, like two lovers who’ve just met and wanna put their hands all over each other asap. It’s cute.
All I’m Asking is for a Little Respect When I Come Home: “They really respect Tina,” Kit muses to Bette. It’s like Old Navy with all the headsets. “Of course they do,” Bette says, wistfully, before telling Molly she’s heading out. Molly wants to stay and refuses Bette’s offer to call Jodi in: “I’m 24, I don’t need a babysitter.” Shane’ll take care of her. You know. Take care of her.
I Got a Job That Wastes my Time and Gift: Nikki has a really serious problem: everyone’s at Shebar and she’s stuck here in her nice trailer at her perfect job. All About Adele sympathizes: “You know what, I think it’s so lame that they work you this hard. I mean, a lot of movie stars just refuse to work past eight at night.” Nikki’s pity-party is encouraged by All About Adele, and thus Nikki continues complaining: they keep wasting her time, making her wait while they do lighting “or whatever.” Really Nikki? She should try waiting tables for $2.25/hour on a dead Saturday with no actual tables, maybe the manager will ask the Team to clean the restaurant since there’s no-one to wait on and then she can clean for free all afternoon when she’s got papers to write. Nikki could make a pretty penny at Hooter’s. Lighting. Pshaw.
Adele has officially crossed over from Weirdo Fan to Psycho Fan/Con Artist — she planted the postcard and though she knows Nikki’s due on set in 20, she tells her she’s not needed for another hour and a half. Nikki hugs Adele and drops the L-bomb again. Seriously, she’s becoming a love whore, she needs to cut that shit out. Love means never having to say I love you to everyone.
She’s trying to slaughter Nikki so she can slaughter Jenny and then take over! This just goes to show that you should always listen to Max. No one understands Max. They just don’t understand. Also, sidenote, I’d like to listen to his podcasttttt. Adele gives Nikki the go-ahead on heading down the street, saying haaayyy to her girls at SheBar and then coming right back. Right-o. Bye Lassie.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #21: Don’t Run Along Side and Control Me, Just Film Away And Let Me Be
The Players: Bette and Jodi
The Pick-Up: Jodi wants Bette to meet Amy. I don’t think it really matters what the pick up line is, Bette’s totally not listening. Slash-watching.
Hot or Not?: I love how instead of doing what she should do — which’s feel too guilty to ever touch Jodi’s body again — she’s like a total animal, “Let’s do it right now.” Nice Bette, nice! CLASSY. It’s the same thing Jenny did to Tim when she was cheating with Marina. Also, did she just come in like, two seconds? Is that weird? It’s kinda hot how she’s taking control and stuff, but I also feel bad for Jodi who thinks that Bette is wanting her hard and now, rather than the real truth, which’s that Bette’s requesting Jodi be prone so Bette can fuck herself ’til she forgets who she is … and what she’s done. Also, this is the moment of the arm throw-down from the preview, which Haviland and I did in our vlog. In response to some comments: I do realise that Bette and Jodi are each making themselves come, like masturbating together, but I don’t think that’s mutually exclusive from “fucking.” I actually feel like that’s a super intimate thing to do with somebody. La-di-da. But I guess it’s probs more complex than just fucking her (in the traditional sense) would be, but whatever, dunno. Bette’s being a little weird this episode, she’s obviously very confused.
Molly: “Why do people invite you to visit film sets, this is like watching paint dry.” [That’s funny, ’cause I bet there is paint drying on the film set, ’cause it’s a film set.]
Shane: “Some people think it’s fascinating, but in reality it’s boring, so …”
Molly: “So what do people do for fun in this town besides sticking you with lesbian art affectioniados and pretending it’s exciting?” [OK, it’s West Hollywood. It’s not exactly Clinton County, Ohio or Poteau Oklahoma where top activities include driving to the Tote-a-Poke for pe-packaged cherry pies and cow-tipping. “This town”? I’m sure there’s SOMETHING to do.]
Shane: “If you want you can stick around a little bit longer and then I can take you out.”
Molly: “Sure, my mother told me all about your little game. You’re like the Fonz or something for lesbians.”
Shane: “Bullshit, the Fonz?”
Molly: “Happy Days.”
Shane:”Yeah, I remember the Fonz, I remember Happy Days … I’ll give it to you, you’re sassy, no one’s ever called me that before.”
Molly: “I’m not sassy, I’m bored. But not bored enough to sleep with you.”
[Damn. That’s some kind of ego. Cait: “Shane says ‘sassy’ and it makes my day.”]
That Venemous Fishwife: Where oh where has our Nikki gone oh where oh where can she beeee? With her hair of golden-brown and her eyes of doe, oh where oh where can she be! Surprise! All About Adele has a funny feeling, and it rhymes with Besbian Furkish Toil Krestling …
I Used to Have Angels, That Used to Watch Over Me, I Don’t Want These Devils They’re Knocking at My Door: Dawn Denbo has raided Billy Blakey’s emcee closet and announces her name for the night is “Miami Vice.” I think I wore that outfit in Melody on Ice in 1987, I was a promising figure skater. Dawn challenges the crowd: “Is anyone out there daring enough, brave enough, to take my Cindi on?” OK, bad idea, everyone, taking Cindi on is NEVER a good idea, unless you love drama and have money to burn.
Lesbian Squabble #19: Smack My Bitch Up In the Ring:
The Players: Nikki vs. Dawn Denbo’s Lover Cindi
Content: Nikki, who’s naiveté is boarding on stupidity, jumps up to challenge Cindi. If you mess with the bull you’ll get the horns, woman, seriously. She’d like to be referred to as “Jesse Jailabait.” They go at it, all significantly beautiful asses and shiny limbs. Then Dawn calls “Mickey” with a hot tip. Why is it always guys named “Mickey” who’re getting the hot tips?
Who Wins? I think Jesse Jailbat. I mean, this is a real fight, I don’t think I’m allowed to decide based on my own subjective opinion.
Hot or Not? In case you’re wondering, it’s hot.
Just Don’t Tell Alice: Tina’s furious ’cause there’s paparazzi at SheBar, Nikki’s supposed to be on set and she’s underage. Tina’s gotta go in there (Jenny in tow, for bait) even though Kit thinks it’s a traitor-ish thing to do. Shane thinks the whole thing is fucked up, but Molly disagrees, she thinks it’s amazing. Anyhow, who needs to give “Mickey” a hot tip when Kit knows who the real hot tip goes to — the Los Angeles police department. She calls them from outside to report a nightclub serving alcohol to minors. It is ON, She-Bitches!
The Prized 18-to-24 Demographic, Howevs … : As Jenny is pulled into the ring by a fired-up, greasy smokin’ hot Nikki, Shane asks Molly if she finds this turkish oil wrestling thing “degrading” (like everything else all day) but Molly thinks that it’s not ’cause her Mom’s not in it. I had that policy once, then I resigned to the fact that my Mom and I can both like girls and that’s okay. Perhaps, just like she did to me me, Kate Moennig will inspire Molly to embrace her true self. But I get it — I totally get it. When it’s 50-year-olds in bras, it’s what society deems “inappropriate” = older women enjoying their sexuality. But make it crazysexycool and young (like The L Word!), and suddenly Molly’s eating it up. It’s fucked up … but it’s the sad, fucked-up reality. That’s the moral of this episode. “That’s the sad fucked up reality, kids. Where’s Papi?”
Lesbian Sexy Moment #22: We’re SOOOOOO Not in Peoria Anymore
The Players: Nikki and Jenny
The Pick-Up: “Come on, come and fight me.”
Hot or Not?: Nikki is such a bright-eyed bushy-tailed lesbian, it almost warms my heart. Also, she’s the worst employee of all time, fired fired fired!!! Jenny, following a little arm raise/head snap reminiscent of the “If I Was a Rich Man” dance from Fiddler on the Roof, employs her stripping skills from Season Two and gets down to her skivvies, ready to rumble. She is … smitten. Also endearing: Nikki’s underwear and bra doesn’t match. They’re playing Prodigy’s “Smack my Bitch Up,” which’s auto-hot. The ladies are covered in a slick substance that makes them look half-fetus, half-alien-in-Ghostbusters, and they’re making out. I feel like Jenny’s super-caught up in the fun of this open, pretty, relationship with a girl who adores her, or else she’s actually in love. It’s hot. You could fry an egg on those girls, it’s so hot. Slash-oily. They’re gonna BREAK OUT tomorrow, it is gonna be bad news for the movie. Anyone got a 20 on Makeup?
Cait: ”more slo-mo oil wrestling, which is kind of hot, but also kind of gross, but kate french is amazing and i want to marry her immediately. jenny flips the double bird and becomes even more my hero.”
You guys, seriously, it is really really really hot. Love this show, best show ever, I wouldn’t mind having Nikki’s quadriceps in my hands. They’re significant.
Lesbian Squabble #20: This is When Cait Started Referring to Davis as “Sgt. Bilko,” Which Made me LOL.
In the Ring: “Out and Proud” Alice vs. Totes Frigid Davis
Content: Clearly Alice is really over everyone right now, and this probs feels like just one more annoying thing where she has to reckon with The Man to please her Closeted Buddies. She perhaps feels like it’s the 50’s or something. Anyhow, she tells Davis that her and Tasha are just friends, Davis doesn’t buy it and furthermore, Davis says that Alice’ll be subpoenaed to testify at Tasha’s hearing. Just to be a cunt, she adds that it’s unfortunate that Tasha had to get involved w/someone who airs her dirty laundry with flying colors ’cause Tasha never had a problem w/living within the military’s code until she met Alice. That’s code for “I had a girlfriend once, then I got caught, and now I blame everything that happened afterwards on her, I haven’t had sex since 1982.” Call it the Sharon Fairbanks Syndrome.
Who Wins?: Alice, for going “God bless America,” under her breath. JK, obviously she loses! Again, I’m gonna have to give this one to “the man.”
In the hallway, Alice runs into Tasha, because this is teevee where coincidences like that happen every day. WTF is Tasha doing there though, seriously? They are cold and brief with each other, and Davis is watching. It makes us all very sad.
Lesbian Squabble #21: Fly Like a Butterfly, Sting Like a Bee
In the Ring: OMG !! They’re actually literally IN THE RING this time, which swells my heart with joy. It’s Dawn & Cindi vs. Shane & Molly. In the RING!
Content: Shane’s getting Molly a drink when Dawn Denbo swoops in to snare Molly, pulling her into the ring for a little toss. I am really troubled by the designer clothes being ruined left and right in this scene. I’m also so happy that Shane’s getting a chance to utilize all the fighting skills she learned at the gym and at Kit’s Self Defense Workshop. Then … yeah … um, Shane rips Dawn’s hair out.
Cait: “Either she just ripped her hair out of her skull, or she has a weave. Either of which’d be amazing.”
Who Wins?: The police break up the party, and Dawn & Cindi get fined and arrested, so they defo lose. Good thing they just earned 10 Gs for a protest about as well-executed as when I used to protest going to the furniture store with my family (1-2-3-4 We don’t Want Your Furniture Store.)
Shane wins. She pulled hair.
Who else wins? Kit Porter, because every word to float triumphantly from her luscious lips (L words!) this episode is a greater and greater Kittism. Also, she’s sticking out her tits like a champ. Go Kit.
Dawn: Oh yeah Porter, you’re fucked. Fuck you Porter, fuck you and your rat-infested shithole!
Kit: Yeah girl, I named the rats after you!
Dawn: You like ’em! It is on!
Kit: Oh yeah girl, girl it is on! Girl you about to go LIVE with the rats. All your little friends! Buh-bye!
Shane asks Molly if she wants to come over and change into something less oily, and Molly says “I’m totally straight but you can keep dreaming.” Shane says “Don’t flatter yourself,” which’s beautiful. Nikki’s looking for Jenny. Jenny’s looking for Nikki. They find each other. They kiss. Jenny says “I love you too.”
Like Waves of Love Pouring Over the Footlights: Meanwhile, All About Adele is sitting on the set talking to herself. She says: “Cut. Print.” I think probs her next move will be shooting Jenny in the head. Just sayin’. Y’all are gonna feel really bad about hating on Jenny when she ends up on the hood of Adele’s Beamer with her organs and entrails and sweet meats all over the place.
Cut! Print! Action!
Lesbian Squabbles: 5 this episode, 21 total
Lesbian Sexy Moments: 4 this episode, 22 total
Quote of the Week: Alice
Really Papi Really Award: Um, actually, this is weird, but there wasn’t any line bad enough this week to earn that honour.
On a Scale of One to Ten: I Love Figment!