Episode Summaries and Recap Links:
“Sometimes this show is like, the best show, and sometimes this show is like, the worst show.” (Carlytron)
The one where: Helena enters lockup. Shane, Tina & Alice tell her not to drop the soap. Enter Dusty. Jenny doesn’t pay her assistant to think. Phyllis employs gratuitous faux gay lingo in a “podcast” with Alice that sure does look like a VODcast. Jenny will not take any of Tina’s sticky notes into account. Bette asks Tina what she’s doing for sex now that she’s a swinging single and Tina says it’s not like she didn’t go without sex for months at a time when they were together. Phyllis throws a strange coming out party, mingles with academic lesbians who look like Harry Potter. Shane fucks the real estate agent, breaks up with page so Kristanna Loken can leave the show, and Tasha comes back early from Iraq and she and Alice take off all their clothes and have sex in the hallway.
“Have I gone mad? Am I on glue? What’s happening? I like this show! I feel a little crazy right now.”
The one where: Our heads explode during a Lez Girls meeting that hypothetically pairs together Tina & Shane, Bette & Helena and Bette & Shane in an effort to infuse the film with MORE LESBIAN SEX! Tina talks about Bette on her date. Tom thinks Max is super-cute. Helena drops the soap, has a knife held to her throat in a weird jail shower scene, and is saved when Dusty says “She’s with me.” Beech has his first meeting with Tasha to tell her she’s being investigated for homosexual conduct. Kit & Max bring Adele, Some of Our Parts Superfan, into Jenny’s life. Enter Adele. Shane does hair for the wedding, does all the bridesmaids at the wedding. Jodi & Bette double-date with Alice & Tasha, Jodi has terrible crimped hair and Alice tells Tasha she’s having trouble understanding why Tasha wants to be part of an institution that hates her.
Kit has an amazing Foxy Brown moment visiting Helena in prison, says Dusty’s Helena’s “Daddy now.” Jenny wears the garbage bag dress, takes a bite of the cake and says she doesn’t like it.
“The first scene: pure, unadulterated bliss. Everything following the first scene: so terrible, I found myself often accidentally/constantly sticking my finger in A;ex’s ear.”
This is the one with the Charlie’s Angels fantasy opening scene! And then! Shane’s gonna give up sex, the army saw Tashsa at the horse races with a bunch of homos and Tasha’s like, “I never decided to become a lesbian. But I decided to join the service.” Peggy tells Helena the Peabodys don’t have a debt to anyone, and especially not society, but Helena LOVES jail! Jodi teaches dirty sign language on Alice’s “podcast” and won’t take no for an answer when Bette tries to get out of Big Bear Weekend. Bette has amazing comebacks to Jodi’s irritating friends who ultimately throw her in the lake. Meanwhile a girl with fake tits and a lot of expensive art tells Tina to spread her legs.
Kit gets robbed at gunpoint. Helena & Peggy return: “Our family doesn’t go to court, we go to Europe.” Shane kisses Helena because she’s losing her mind, we lose our minds, Uh Huh Her is playing, Helena dashes, and SCENE.
Episode 504 Recap: Let’s Get This Party Started
“Every episode EZ Girl writes is surprisingly not terrible. I mean, she wrote the basketball episode, my favorite … Also, did your head explode at the end? Like the Uh Huh Her song Explode?”
Enter Nikki. Jenny thinks ““it looks like the last book [Nikki] read was ten years ago, Are You There God It’s Me Margaret?” Kit’s so glad the girls are supporting her “today-ay!” at self-defense class. Jodi wears a terrible tie-died shirt and demonstrates the soap gun. Tasha goes to Beech’s house at night to yell at him & makes an amazing speech. Subsequently, Beech makes a housecall that interrupts a Tasha-Alice full frontal morning. Shane tells Jenny to wear the see-through shirt. HELLO SHE-BAR opening party! Enter Dawn & Her Lover Cindi. Shane says it looks like South Beach threw up in here, Shane has a threesome with Dawn & her lover Cindi. Alice & Tasha attend a velvet mafia party, Alice secretly films basketball player. Max & Tom dance, Jenny agrees to hire Nikki, Nikki says the movie means a lot to her, AND! Bette & Tina MAKE OUT at last!
“The last 20 minutes were some of the L Word’s best. It was fun and quality and featured all those verbs they sing about in that opening song we all cream over. Um, fighting, winning, fucking, whatevs. They should add “swimming,” ’cause I feel like there’s a lot of swimming in this show.”
(written by Angela Robinson) LESBIAN DANCE PARTY! We meet the cast of Lez Girls, Alice outs the basketball Alice in Lesboland, becomes famous, and Tasha gets PISSED. Jenny says Adele is wearing Mom jeans with cameltoe. Max the Oracle makes his first Adele Warning and is ignored because Jenny “doesn’t need to know this shit before festivities begin.” Bette wants to skip the party but Jodi insists due to her love of the dance. They masturbate on top of each other. Lover Cindi answers the door naked and Shane fucks her ’cause Cindi says it’s okay. Everyone has meta conversations with their characters at the party, eats magic brownies and dances on the tables. Dawn & Cindi come in to yell at Shane and everyone laughs at her, Jenny and Nikki re-enact Marina & Jenny and then fuck in the closet, Adele sees it, Bette tells Tina she is in love with Jodi, everyone jumps in the pool.
Jenny tries to teach her actresses to fuck like they actually mean it, makes a series of unforgettable facial expressions. Dawn & Cindi threaten Shane, Tasha leaves Alice and gets a job on “The Look.” Jodi steps out, Tina steps in, Bette & Tina engage in mega-hot StirFry sex. Adele at last gets her makeover, Jenny wears large red golashes. ZOMG there are rats in The Planet. Enter Molly. Bette & Tina HoneySex! Nikki and Jenny clash on set ’cause Nikki doesn’t think someone would just walk around with rosemary for no reason, all’s well when they make out, Jenny makes incredible faces to avoid getting in trouble with William, Adele covers for her. Denbo & Lover Cindi show up on set to ’cause trouble and Alice lays the smack down: ““Fuck you Denbo AND your dumb lover, you’re a ratfuck!”
“I might enjoy one or two brand-spankin’-new original storylines, actually, rather than this Meta-Parody-Satire-Fest. I’m enjoying this season quite a bit and I’m aware it’s 2008 and most good stories have already been told by someone, like Shakespeare or Brandon Walsh, but SERIOUSLY!?”
The one where EVERYTHING IS META. Bette, wearing some kind of strange purple/pink/red native frock, ALMOST makes out with Tina on set. Nikki & Jenny have lots of sex, declare love for one another. Enter Prosecuting Attourney Davis and Beech thinks Tasha’s case is fucked. Alice’s The Look co-hosts tell her they want “fun gay, not angry gay,” so Alice kinda outs Lindsay Lohan Nikki, and everyone freaks out. Kit’s pissed that Denbo got The Planet shut down, first uses the term “She-bitches.” Molly tells Shane “my mother told me all about your little game. You’re like the Fonz or something for lesbians.” Zomg it’s Lesbian Oil Wrestling time! Molly loves it. Smack my Bitch Up plays. When the party gets busted for underage drinking Kit taunts: “Oh yeah girl, girl it is on! Girl you about to go LIVE with the rats. All your little friends! Buh-bye!”
“Not gonna lie, I totally teared up a little … OMG, I’m a sucker for declarations of love against all odds on stupid television shows.”
The one where Jodi attempts to introduce the term “spaghetti girl” (straight until wet), Davis checks out the lezzies at the gym and hey-ho we all go to court. Jenny’s got a series of incredible Jenny Moments regarding costumes, Kevin’s purple tie, his desire to know about Nikki’s whereabouts and the executive decision to send Nikki to the Liquid Heat opening with The Midge. Cammie-as-Sean tries to seduce Shane-as-Shane. Bette tells Jodi the Chef that, “it’s me and my ex and you and your ex, it’s really my idea of some kind of nightmare lesbian dinner party. SO,” and Jodi successfully tells her off for once with a quick: “Don’t come.”
Molly tells Phyllis she’s gonna go gay for Shane. Bette & Tina try to find clarity but instead just almost cry and talk about Angelica. The nightmare lesbian dinner party happens: Jodi wears horrid caftan, Bette & Tina share lovely memories about Indian food, Molly kisses Shane. Nikki & The Midge make out for the cameras. OurChart is used as a tool in a court of law and Alice calls Bilko out for eating out lesbians, Tasha says she loves Alice and they make out and Tasha leaves the service forevs ha-ha! Yazoo!
“For the first time since its inception, The L Word is acknowledging the changing of the seasons in a context completely unrelated to women’s menstrual cycles.”
The one where Jenny has a series of amazing Jenny moments on set, subsequently fires the Midge and then is re-forced to hire the Midge. Rolling blackouts ruin everyone’s lives, Jodi dives into the pool, Bette holds ice cream to her breasts and says “I’m in love with Tina” when Jodi’s not looking. Tasha wears her hair down, Joyce won’t take Phyllis back, and SheBar calls for a showdown. For fifteen minutes the girls exchange perfectly timed faux-macho gangsta talk, followed by 20 minutes of sex scenes to the tune of “Swimming Pool” by Freezepop. This particular part is discussed at length in the Top 15 Sex Scenes of All Time List.
“Of all foods: french fries. Of all underthings: boybriefs. . Of all girls: Shane. Of all cheekbones: Tasha’s. Of all L Word writers: Angela Robinson. Of all songs: “Just Like Heaven,” by the Cure. It’s just … such a perfect song, and the last song I ever expected to hear during an L Word sex scene! This was the longest episode of all time! 10,000 things happened!”
The one where within five minutes of opening, Angela Robinson busts open the vortex by mentioning Papi and Dana. Molly has chased Shane all the way there to support boobs, Kit says “that’s true love, girl.” Bette tells Tina she looks cute in those pants. Later at the campfire, someone kinda tells Jodi that Bette’s been cheating on her with Tina. Everyone declares love for one another, everyone has sex, Jodi is totally pissed, Jenny & Nikki do it with a strap-on on camera. Adele confesses that she’s a partial lez, Molly wants to have advanced placement sex with Shane but not in a pup tent, Tasha has other friends that aren’t Alice. In the big convo about cheating, we learn that Tasha thinks thinking is cheating and Bette is a big cheater. In the end, everyone is sad from all the drama but we know that bette & tina = MFEO, we’ll never see Henry again, and that’s ultimately all that matters.
Episode 511 Recap: Lunar Cycle
“No one had sex, there was a lot of fighting, Bette and Jodi wore matching outfits FOR THE ENTIRE EPISODE and as for the smoking gun … omg.”
The one where everyone squabbles. Team Denbo buys 51% of The Planet from Ivan the Tratior, Jodi openly stalks Bette and Adele whips out the sex tape, therefore usurping Jenny from her position of power. Who’s with her? Ummm … just Shane. Tasha & Alice go apartment hunting and Alice says “I hope you bleed soon.” Enter Clea, who catches Alice’s eye during a fashion segment on The Look and they all talk about underwear. Kit goes over to SheBar with her gun to shoot Denbo but then changes her mind. Later Angelica gets the gun but luckily no one gets hurt. Shane, wearing a cute hoodie, cuddles with Jenny as they smoke the reefer and Jenny says “Nikki is dead to me.” Also Max is the Oracle. Finally JoBette is done and DONE and TiBette & Angie can go home and be cute.
Episode 512 Recap: Loyal and True
The one where Angie wants to honk the horn. Kit looks almost exactly like John Travolta in Hairspray in her first scene when Helena comes back to save the world with her money money money. Shane & Molly fight with Joyce & Phyllis, also they have sex, enjoy a High Art moment. Alice almost kisses the New Girl. Re-enter Peggy Peabody, The Planet is saved and Helena goes home with Lover Cindi. Shane & Phyllis have a serious convo in an empty white room while circling one another around a birdcage, and Jodi defies all previous suspensions of belief with her gigantic video art installation [features Bette saying “I love you” and stuff, this gets even worse in S6 when everyone actually takes it seriously). The last fifteen minutes of this scene can be seen again in episode 601. You know; when Jenny catches Shane on the ballistrate of Yamishiro with her head between Nikki’s thighs. “You’ve broken my heart,” etc etc.
Rants, Reflections and Round-Ups:
A round-up of the best moments from the first ten episodes in Season Five.
There is nothing that I will not recap. You got a two minute video? I’ll recap the hell out of that video. You wanna come here and fight me? Holler.
3. The L Word Season Five Recap TEASER #2 (Vlog #3): L is for LOL
Carlytron, Haviland and Riese do their very own version of the Season Five trailer, which includes Shane giving up Sex, Nikki wanting to fight in the oil, and the arm smackdown. Also Riese is very stoned.