Haviland absolutely cannot live without us and thus, this weekend, Cait & I visited her in Los Angeles, alleged location of “The L Word” and confirmed location of the Hollywood Wax Museum. We drove through canyons & indiscriminate sunshine and — yes … Saturday night we attended Lesbian Oil Wrestling, sponsored by OurChart and attended by Molly, Dawn Denbo, Michelle Wolff, my true love Ilene Chaiken, Angela Robinson, Lindsay from Queer as Folk, and a lot of other leather-clad lesbos who looked vaguely familiar (possibly ’cause they all were trying to look like Shane). After about 1.5 minutes, I remembered that I hate other people and fled to my cave … but not before witnessing Denbo’s “Peach Pit of a shithole” shoutout, Molly’s in-person hotness, and a few rumbles between some hot ‘n greasy lesbians. After I fled, Cait & Haviland talked to Angela Robinson about the vortex (this was after I’d fled). Everything is perfect now, everything is perfect now, everything is perfect now, everything is perfect now. (That song is called “Swimming Pool” and it’s by Freezepop. We’ve been listening on repeat.)
We’ve had a smashing weekend despite the fact that L.A.’s essentially a potluck of everything I don’t get along with: sunshine, “shmoozing,” fake people w/fake body parts, overwhelming economic inequity, no sidewalks, heavy traffic, douchebags, and girls that look better in bikinis than I do. But as the totally-uncool-to-ever-publicly-mention Dave Matthews band once sang, “Turns out not where but who you’re with that really matters.”
A lot of things happened this episode, but most importantly: the return of The Max. Guess what didn’t return though? Max’s soul patch. Hallelujah! This is a triumph not only for me, but for everyone who likes looking at attractive people.
I wrote some of this recap on the airplane. Thus the airplane references.
- It’s Marianne Faithful, not Michelle Faithful. Seriously, I swear, my Mom is a lesbian and a feminist, I don’t know how I still miss this stuff. I think I was thinking about Michelle Shocked who sings the song about Alaska.
- On the list of people we’ll probs never see again: I left out Gene (lover of Manatees), TOE/Benjamin (lover of Kit) and Annie Sprinkle.
- There are no wildebeests in Morocco. True story.
- If you wanna vote for me, I’m “Lesbian Dad.” JK. I’m “Sugarbutch.” JK! Automatic Win. Seriously. I mean … srsly.
- Shane wasn’t signing, she was just doing stuff with her hands in the air. She probs figures she can do anything she wants with her hands if she just puts her mind to it. That Shane. What a champ.
- There was a lot of confusion in TLW Online comment board regarding Jennifer Beals’ future attendance at a conference of some sort and her position w/in the lesbian community, and I’d like to clarify on behalf of everyone who was confused (clearly I wasn’t involved in this conversation, but I read everything with rapt interest, mostly looking for Riese Awards and Top 10 Riese Moments and other such ego-strokers): J-Beals is the Queen of BIKES. Like Bicycles. Hello, Pink Ride? Right.
- I don’t remember how to spell Alice’s last name again. Slicey I hope you’re on top of this for me.
- Speaking of topping … let’s get to the episode. Thanks to everyone who corrected me, even if I’ve already forgotten.
Too Darn Hot: For the first time since its inception, The L Word is acknowledging the changing of the seasons in a context completely unrelated to women’s menstrual cycles. Right now we’re in record heat, everyone’s gotta stay hydrated, air conditioners haven’t been invented yet! The camerawork here is reminiscent of E.R./The West Wing. Anyhow, production’s halted until they finish covering The Midge’s Elmo tattoo. “Maybe the character would have an Elmo tattoo,” a PA suggests. Jenny & Tina, instantly: “NO.” There is nothing about Tim Haspel that suggests a fondness for muppets. Howevs, there’s lots about mememememe that suggests a fondness for muppets. For example, I’m fond of muppets. Just when they’re all covered up and ready to shoot, the lights go out, and Tina freaks out.
And We’re Back: Okey dokey, the power’s back on. In this time of crisis possibly requiring tools, they’ve called on an actual Lezbian who informs the cast there’s been rolling blackouts but they’ll shoot what they can.
Cradle and All: It’s earthquake weather and Shane says: “Bring it on.” I don’t think Shane knows what an earthquake is, she’s possibly recalling what girls say it feels like when she fists them. Bedum-BUMMMM!!! Possibly Shane’s feeling very doomsday ’cause of her straight girl crush. For a girl who claims to not do feelings, Shane sure does fall for a lot of chicks. I think a lot of pimptastic lesbos are like that, actually.
Lesbian Squabble #25: I Get So Jealous, I Can’t Even Work
In the Ring: Jenny vs. Nikki (with backup from The Midge)
Content: Jenny’s looking at her little monitor and doesn’t like what she sees — The Midge is fucking her girlfriend, Nikki … and Nikki doesn’t look entirely miserable. (Y’know what’d be a good way to show Nikki’s misery? Having the Midge morph into Begonia and say “JESSE” all creepy-like.) Jenny, using a tone of voice entirely and beautifully her own, corrects Nikki’s ecstasy: “This is an obligatory fuck. You probably don’t like having sex with that guy.” Nikki says just ’cause she likes women doesn’t mean she has to hate men and why would she suddenly hate having sex w/The Midge though she’s been with him for seven years? Good point. Jenny’s storyline has been bogus from Day One, therefore so is Jesse’s. Except Jenny’s storyline is based on Ilene’s life, so it must be true. Okay, this is getting so meta my head is definitely going to explode.
Jenny cuts again, probs cause Nikki’s making these weird bird noises, like she’s being tickled by a feather duster.
Jenny Moment: “It’s not a man-hating film. But the scene as written is about the experience of being forced to have sex with this guy when the night before you’ve had the most beautiful mind blowing sex … with a woman. Now this hairy guy is just pounding you like URM URRR URRR …” [that’s the best part, it’s the chewy caramel center of this delicious Jennifer Bar] “What does that do? It hurts. You wanna cry. Okay. Is that okay with you?”
You Dirty Bird! How Could You: “You look like you love fucking this guy!” Jenny says after take two. At first, I think Jenny’s just being Jenny, but then she bends in like she’s talking to a toddler about the missing crayons and asks Nikki if she slept with The Midge, which’s weird, ’cause if she’d slept with The Midge, I’d think it’d be even harder to pretend to enjoy it now, ’cause she’d be having serious Midge Flashbacks. But Jenny’s right, Nikki cops to it and says she felt pressured. Right, totally, pressured by all the paparazzi in your bedroom when you decided to have sex with that guy. Nikki’s so sorry and she wishes it’d been Jenny. Clearly, ’cause now Jenny’s mad at her in front of everyone! I hope they fire The Midge and hire Eric Mabius, like they did to this guy:
I Got so City Girl on You: Sooo … okay, Nikki, listen up! This is what makes crazy people even crazier. You’re verifying Jenny’s paranoia, fueling her fire, and signing yourself up for months of hyper-possessive paranoid jealous delusions. I don’t like making references to certain bathroom acts, but you shouldn’t s where you eat, let alone twice, you clearly shoulda gone to the party w/Harrison. Nikki takes the sheet with her when she stands to talk to Jenny and The Midge covers his junk w/a pillow, like anyone there cares.
The Method: “It is a vile and despicable act,” Jenny tells The Midge, re: sleeping with your co-star, and then she fires his ass. Good call, he seems over it anyhow — hanging out with all these lesbians and their respective feelings. Maybe that’s what happened to Mark.
Who Wins? Nobody! Probs Adele, I’m guessing this was all part of her master-plan. She probably was like “Nikki, you should sleep with The Midge, Jenny loves jealousy, she thinks it’s really hot when you sleep with men, it’ll be so good for your on-set chemistry!”
Leonard Was Cryin’ When He Met You, Now He’s Tryin’ To Forget You: What is Joyce wearing? Why does no one have air conditioning? Is Phyllis using a FAN? Where are we, 1912? That’d explain Joyce’s suit, it’s like she’s heading off to a day at the races with the Bobsey Twins. Apparently she already won the court case against Leonard. This show picks the oddest things to show and not show. Phyllis wants Joyce to inspire Molly back into law school, let’s make that item #568 on the “Phyllis’s Bad Ideas” list.
Phyllis gets down on one knee and thanks Joyce for letting her run wild like an adolescent. Joyce says it’s understandable that Phyllis might feel amorous & frisky towards her post-triumph — seeing as they were so hot in the sack — and that Phyllis is making Joyce’s mature resistance “awfully difficult in that sweet little slip of a frock” … and then she leans in real close to Phyllis like she’s about to go for the makeout but then she just gives her the fake-out! “You’re sitting on my shirt,” Joyce says. Poor Phyllis. Whatever happened to that other woman she wanted to be with so desperately? Maybe Papi stole her.
How Cool is Cool? Ice Cold!: Kit & Jenny are so ON lately it’s impossible to choose just one Jenny Moment/Kittism. So many feelings, so many usages of “she-bitches.” Kit’s just beat down a snooty woman at the bodega to procure the last bags of ice but she GOT IT!!! Thanks to Alice and Tasha for coming out here to lift the ice and supporting Kit Today! I’ll be looking for the Kit/Snooty-Bodega-Woman Showdown on the DVD extras. Tasha looks pretty with her hair down. I’m glad she quit the army, it was cramping her style.
Haviland: Everything that comes out of Kit’s mouth is gonna be funny.
Cait: Look at that knife she’s swinging!
Kittism: “This hot-ass earthquake weather — man it just makes people mean — I don’t trust ’em, I do not trust them she-bar bitches coming up in here with some old mobster crap. I mean — lemme read this to you — ‘We request your presence at a sit-down to mediate grievances and lesbo turf at She-Bar Lunch will be served.’ Are these bitches crazy?”
Never Fear, Tasha is Here: Alice wants Tasha at the Sit-Down for “protection,” Tasha tells Kit negotiations work sometimes and she oughtta make an appearance. Kit’ll go … but at the first sign of bullshit, she’s gonna walk. That’s right Kit, you tell ’em, you WALK on outta there, just like you did to Angus. This’s gonna be a short meeting.
I Don’t Know How It’s Become Such a Problem: Tina, still talking weird with her chin, is pissed at Jenny for firing their “only male actor.” How did Mark, James and Franklin (or Marcus the Sperm Donor) not make it into the script/cast? Anyhow, his gender is irrelevant — they’re down an actor, regardless of his genitalia. God! This IS a man-hating movie. I suggest water-boy, he was very convincing in Scene One w/r/t the importance of staying hydrated. Adele thinks William will change Jenny’s mind … and indeed he does. G-d, I love Jenny’s glasses.
Jenny’s Momentum: “I can see that you’re talking about me, I can also see that [points] you’re talking about me so I just wanna say … Yes it’s true! I did loose my temper, and now I’m on my way to apologize to Mr. Fallon and I have made a mistake and the dumbshit actor boy is no longer fired. Okay?”
I’d Like to Sup With my Baby Tonight: Bette & Jodi return from CU and just can’t WAIT to take their clothes off. [I thought Jodi quit her job?] Bette’s so enthused about the upcoming Dana Bike Ride, she’s transformed her hair into a Dana-Season-One stylish hairdo. Jodi heads straight for the pool …
Cait: What is she doing?
Riese: It’s Reviving Ophelia.
Haviland: It’s The Awakening!
The phone rings, obviously it is Tina, I hope they’re on a Family Plan.
SIDENOTE: While visiting Disneyworld last week, we noticed the predictable repetition of ride plotlines: “Let’s go on an adventure! OMG something’s gone terribly wrong! We’ve lost him/we’re under attack/the engine crashed/you must take over command! What now?!!!” Then the ride transitions into thrills and dips.I believe The L Word is — well — exactly the same way. Every episode’s anchored by an event — a concert, party, opening, “gathering” — the episode’s first half is spent discussing who is and isn’t attending and why or why not, the second half includes the event and its respective drama. Though characters, personalities, plotlines and themes have changed over the years, one thing has remained the same: this old, tired formula. Just like me: an old & tired formula.
Your Love is Better Than Ice Cream: If Bette’s going to the Shebar hoe-down, Tina is SO not going, she cannot be in the same room w/Bette w/o tearing Bette’s clothes off. Bette can’t resist taking her own clothes off either — while listening to Tina ramble on about Angelica’s fan-making skills, Bette disrobes and engages intimately with several pints of ice cream. Bette’s probs thinking: “Fans today, great modern art tomorrow! … How can we get a political agenda onto those fans?” Bette invites Tina & Ange to the pool, and rather than admit that Angelica is once again on the lam, Tina just says it’d be awkward. I think it’s ’cause Bette’s other girlfriend is in the pool, acting crazy:
Refill the Cup With my Baby Tonight: Bette tells Jodi she & Tina are having parenting disagreements and will be seeing The Fox tonight. I hope he’s got air conditioning. Jodi’s un-phased, which’s bizarre — you’d think she might care about said parenting disagreements, at least. I guess she doesn’t like kids. Jodi’s jeans’ve gotta be so heavy underwater, I had to skillfully tread water in jeans & hoodie to make the Sarah Lawrence crew team, that shit sucked. Also, totally thought I was straight then, just saying.
Maybe I Woulda Been Something You’d Be Good At: They’re gonna shut down production for the day, rolling blackouts are getting pricey. Tina asks Sam, who, P.S., is still smokin’ hot (and I’m not talkin’ about the weather) if she’d like to get dinner sometime. Sam nixes that idea ’cause: “That dinner party was awkward and uncomfortable and I just think I’m gonna take a step back until you and Bette resolve your stuff.” Sam just earned 10,000 “mature & responsible woman” points. I’d be like “Dinner, totally, I’ll be there, I’d love to fall in love with you while you’re still chasing your on-again off-again ex/other mother of your child, torture myself with unrequited longing & the resolute awareness we’re on a one-way road to dyke drama hell, and, post inevitable fall-out, blog passive-aggressively about my broken heart, cry all over my keyboard and listen exclusively to Chris Pureka while under the influence of whatever substance I can get my hands on. How’s 7 p.m. Wednesday?”
I’d Spend the Night and I’d Lose my Mind: Tina asks if it’s that obvious, but Sam says she was likely the only one who noticed. Tina takes this as an opportunity to overshare, like she’s been itching to talk to someone about it, and Sam looks more uncomfortable than Cait does right now on this airplane to hell. No, not true, impossible. Sam adds: “I do feel bad for Jodi though, she seems like a great girl.” That’s Tina’s cue to leave. Tina mutters something about Jodi being “nice” (Why’s it always “nice”? Jodi’s not nice. She’s a lot of good things — interesting, passionate, caring, committed, adventurous — but she’s not “nice.” People say that about me sometimes to placate and I’m like “nice”? I’m so not nice . How about “sassy”? That’s an adjective I can stand behind. Or beneath. Or on top of. Anyhow, we’ve had enough fun here in the parentheses, time to move into more relevant territories.)
Why Would I Escape You: My lord, that Nikki, she’s like the Poky Little Puppy, always running off. She needs an electroshock dog collar, ’cause Jenny cannot find her like this.
Cait: Look at Jenny’s earrings.
Riese: Those are bigger than her face!
Haviland: I love those! I had some just like that from Forever 21.
Mr. Pants for Romance is Not: Jodi tries to make out with Jodi but Bette says “it’s too fucking hot, don’t, please, it’s too hot.” Jodi calls Bullshit.
Lesbian Squabble #26: If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Get Out of the Fire
In the Ring : Jodi vs. Bette and Bette’s Magical Hearing Ears
Content: After Jodi calls Bette out, Bette gets up, walks away, turns around and says out loud: “I’m in love with Tina” — and I forget, of course, that Jodi can’t hear her, and so my heart breaks a little when Jodi asks, “What, did you say something?” OMG, this is torture! Then, in sign language, Bette admits she’s unhappy. When Jodi presses her for details, Bette says it’s just work, she doesn’t wanna burden Jodi.
Who Wins? Hands down totes nobody. Except whoever advertises on the Bettina/Tibette user forums, ’cause those sites are gonna be blowin’ UP!
Knife Going In: Just to dig this knife a little bit deeper, Jodi pulls Bette to her and expresses her comfort & support: “You aren’t a burden … your mind, your heart, your body, I love you.” At least that’s what I think she said, I’m not sure, must be the Jujubees.
I Wrote You Back Before I Had a Chance To Forget Forgotten: Jenny gives Adele a note to give to Nikki (She’d have better luck delivering that love letter by carrier pigeon.) I hope this love letter’s better than Season One’s Roadside Yearnings to Tim, Tim, Tim, Tim. Nikki’s a big star, she’s gonna need more than used organs. Also, Jenny & Adele are wearing the same outfit and the same shoes.
Shane calls Jenny over tells her to wipe her tears, then asks (surprise!) if she’s gonna come to “that big dumb mafia show-down at Shebar.” Nope. Jenny’s gonna wait right here for her Penelope to come home, which Shane says is “weak.” “I am weak,” Jenny offers. Not true! Says Shane. Jenny’s the big boss, she can fire anyone she wants to. Good idea. I nominate Adele for Firing #1. I believe Shane’s becoming slightly self-aware. Maybe they all are. Maybe Season Five is Clarity Time. Or maybe that’s how all my friends are and I’m just confused.
Jenny: What would you do? Would you fuck someone?
Shane: Probably. I’d go out and have meaningless sex with somebody I didn’t care about.
Jenny doesn’t wanna have sex with anyone but Nikki. I also don’t wanna have sex with anyone but Nikki, we’ve got so much in common. Shane’s got a straight girl crush that’s going nowhere. So, there you have it.
Thought the Signals Would Scare Your Wolves Away: It’s Mafia Party time at Shebar — where’s the lunch they were promised? The girls are frisked on entrance, Shane’s like, “Are you serious? Get offa me!” “You could’ve at least asked me out to dinner,” Jenny deadpans when the Tonya-lookalike asks her to “spread ’em.” Aw.
Lesbian Squabble #27: This Ain’t Just Your Typical Squabble, This Be a Show-Down
In the Ring: Team Shebar vs. Team Planet
Who Wins?: Lest you think this show might become even mildly not ridiculous, I’d like to let you know before you get your hopes up that Shebar wins. I don’t mean they flat-out win, like The Planet doesn’t lose , but this argument is nothing short of maddening. Then again, this is exactly what it’s like to engage in arguments with ridiculous lesbian psychotics. I would’ve appreciated someone bringing up the $25K payday Team Shebar earned for their half-assed “protest.”
The agreements are as follows: they split up days of the week fairly, no customer poaching Lover Cindi can be Partygoer #4 (not to be confused with Mambo #5) in Lez Girls, Alice will shout-out SheBar and The Planet on her podcast, but not on The Look.
There are so many amazing things about this scene, I feel it’d be best recapped in the form of a Top Ten Best Moments of Lesbian Squabble #27:
10. Shane finally points out the obvious, Dawn & Lover Cindi reveal the depths of fuckitude in their fucked-up relationship.
Dawn: We invite Shane here for a little sex amongst friends, and what does she do? She breaks that trust by seducing my girlfriend.
Shane: [laughs] Oh-ha-ha Denbo! You need to start singing a new song. ‘Cause first of all, I did not seduce her. And second of all, you [points at Cindi] said it was okay.
Dawn: No she didn’t.
Lover Cindi: [pleading] Dawn–
Dawn: Shut it.
Shane: I got an idea, what if you kept your mouth shut for two seconds and you actually let your girlfriend talk?
Dawn: Because she’s got nothin’ to say.
Lover Cindi: Go fuck yourself.
Shane: See, I thought that was something.
9. Not entirely sure why Tasha being in the army is particularly intimidating but who cares: Kit, you’re my hero for life.
Dawn: I’m sorry, I don’t think I know you.
Alice: It’s actually um — Captain Tasha Williams.
Kit: MMMM HMMMM and she’s here to kick some ass and take some names IF NECESSARY!
Lover Cindi: [to Tasha] That is REALLY awesome.
Dawn: Really Cindi?
Lover Cindi: What? It’s impressive!
8. In the Lesbian Encylopedia, this’d be a perfect illustrative example of “Kittism”:
Kit: You know Tasha’s got a point here, I really shouldn’t sit here and listen to all this bullshit, I should just KICK YOUR MOTHERFUCKINGASS!
7. Bette’s Ever-Expanding Skill Set now includes “moderating mafia-like negotiations on my lunch hour in the sweltering heat while my sister talks about kicking ass and taking names.”
Bette’s position as the leader of negotiations begins when she silences the squabbling room with one power-lesbian thrust: “ENOUGH, and intimidated by how good she looks in that outfit, the room quiets. She begins: “What do you want Denbo?
6. Best Way to Maintain Your Honor? Shut the Fuck Up About it Already.
“My honor was maligned and that of my lover Cindi’s.” (Dawn)
5. Jenny’s Uncompromising Divaliciousness, including usage of “Lover Cindi,” superior self-fanning skills, and merciless assessment of Cindi’s hotness.
Dawn: “We want parts in your movie.”
Jenny: “My movie? No way.”
Dawn: “I don’t want a fucking part in your movie, just Cindi.”
Jenny: “Why would I give your Lover Cindi a part in my film?”
Dawn: “‘Cause she’s goddamn gorgeous, look at her, why wouldn’t you give her a part in your movie?”
Jenny: “Well, I think she has a face like an extra … so, she can be an extra. In my movie.”
4. Dawn’s name-drop of her clearly Italian brother and suggestion of his incredible physical size (ability to kick ass/take names) followed by employing the lamest comeback ever and acting like it’s totally acceptable.
Dawn: “You know I have a brother Joey, he’s near and dear to me, he’s a teamster –”
Jenny: “Go fuck yourself.”
Dawn: “Ha ha ha ha ha now why would I do that when I could fuck you?”
3. QUOTE OF THE WEEK, OF THE YEAR, OF THE CENTURY:
“[To Dawn] You are so tacky … [behind fan, to Shane, whispering/enunciating her little droplets of brill] I think she’s psychotic. What do I do?”
2. New Names For Dawn Denbo
Shane – “What’s up, Double D?”
Alice – “Fuck no, Denbo.”
1. After they shake on it and the lights go up, if you’ve watched this scene four times as I have, you’ll notice that Alice, off-screen, asks: “Did you decorate this room in the 80’s?”
And then? Cindi goes “Bye Shane” and gives her a little air-kiss. Seriously I think Dawn & Cindi need some serious Dan Foxworthy time.
Mad Max Rides Again: Max is alive and already misunderstood — “it’s so hot in here without the air conditioning!” Really, you’d never know it by the amount of sweat missing from your forehead. Shane’s gonna film so Max can be in front of the camera.
Let’s talk about this. We’re aware Shane doesn’t have a huge skill-set: Shane can do hair, Shane can do women, Shane’s a good friend who gives good advice. Shane’s technical know-how, howevs, is fairly limited. Just when you thought Max brought no particularly unique talents to his role as the Resident Tech Guy … think again, gumshoes. I present for you: Shane’s Rules of Filmmaking (like “Papi’s Rules of Poker”).
Oh, p.s., content of podcast: Alice apologizes to Max for saying he wasn’t a part of their community (Ilene! Speaking of, maybe putting Max on the show/involved with the major storylines would be a good step towards community inclusion?), The Director of the Center for Lesbian Rights told Alice she sucked and Alice had a moment and is now saved. Alice thinks being bisexual is more “natural” than being transgender, and Max says that’s what the haters used to say about being gay, too. Why don’t you guys just marry a German Shepard?
Jodi Seems Like More of an Americano Type To Me: Kit’s confused about Bette’s drink order ’cause she thought Jodi drinks chai lattes (unlikely, that drink’s soooo 2003). Bette says it’s for Tina, they’re going to therapy together! To talk about Angelica! MMM-hmm. Don’t you dare lie to Kit Porter, Bettalicious. Don’t you dare …
Kit was not born yesterday: “Now I know you’re both shitting me ’cause there ain’t nothin’ wrong with baby girl.” Kit, like Marvin Gaye, wants to know what’s goin’ on. She’s like, “Do not hurt Jodi.” Bette’s not trying to hurt anyone, that’s why she’s going to therapy. If only it was that easy, dearest Bette, if only it was that easy.
Can I Call You Dick? Shane’s officially the worst cameraperson of all time, seriously, my video of Hav singing on the Rosie cruise is better, and that was 65% cleave. Shane’s wandering eye lands on … Molly and her pink polo sporting standard-issue douchebag boyfriend. Alice looks up: “Hello! Podcast!” which’s probs very confusing for everyone, because podcasts only involve audio, no video necessary. Shane’s clearly frazzled … and possibly even … hurt.
Shane: This is Molly, Phyllis’s daughter.
Alice: Ah, yes, I’m — familiar — with Phyllis.
The rest of the conversation is no less awkward.
I JUST GOT STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR FOR FIVE MINUTES: Bette and Tina are running to therapy. Bette asks Tina questions about the film that are all cover-ups for her one & only question: “Is that the front clasp bra? ‘Cause I could just … you know … just snap it right off … we’ve got about 20 seconds … ” and then my all-time elevator nightmare happens. Except in this case, it’s also sort of an elevator dream.
When The Lights Go Down … In times of crisis, Bette Porter has only one feeling: “You’ve GOT to be fucking kidding me.” She knows it’s gonna get really hot in there, she cannot take this, she’s gonna have a panic attack in about one minute. That’s what Cait just said literally ten minutes ago when we realized we’re going to be on this godforsaken airplane for an additional three hours. Haviland Pekor Stillwell, you better love the fuck out of us after this, because the reason I never go to California is because I cannot handle airplanes for this long, I get cranky, I get moody, I have hot flashes, there’s a gross taste in my mouth, my ears keep popping, I’m gonna have a panic attack.
Bette’s sort of adorable right now ’cause she’s being high maintenance/vulnerable. What they need is a Xanax, but Tina tries leading deep breathing exercises instead. Anyhow, we all know what’s gonna happen, yes? Speaking of heat? Oh not yet. First let’s get a crotch shot from Tom the Interpreter.
I Like You So Much I Talk to Everyone But You: I don’t know what Tom’s doing here with those little shorts, but it’s grossing me out. “Where’s your girlfriend?” he asks Max. Max says, “If you mean Grace, she’s in San Fransisco.” Also, Tom’s been busy painting up a storm. Max didn’t even know Tom was an artist! He’s not a big rich artist like Jodi, though.
Aside from the storm painting, Tom’s been thinking about Max, which’s why he hasn’t come around lately. Max finds this offensive, I’m not sure why. Then Tom asks him out to dinner tonight. Do people really accept dates on the day of? I wouldn’t do that, ever, I’d be like, “I’m busy, fool, I got to recap The L Word , like always, I hope it gets canceled ’cause I can’t keep doin’ this shit for free, SRSLY, I’m going crazy.” But Max accepts. Surprisingly enough, Max’s social schedule is fairly open.
I Hear Noises: Tasha is sitting in the living room, listening to sounds of the tropical jungle. At first I think it’s a PTSS moment, then I think it’s the voices in her head. Alice asks Tasha what she’s feeling, she says she’s feeling what 6 P.M. feels like, as she’s usually stuck on the 405 like we were earlier today. To me, 6 P.M. feels like the time at which I can no longer leave my apartment, lest I run into other humans in public places, etc. Also, 6 P.M. feels like making love.
Where the fuck are those noises? Is 6 P.M. when some bored editor goes crazy using all the sound effects on Garage Band?
“I have nothing that I’m supposed to be doing right now,” Tasha says. Um, you know what you could do? Alice!!
Lesbian Sexy Moment #26: Twilight Lovers
The Players: Alice and Tasha
The Pick-Up: A little smile goes a long way. Bedow BOWWW.
It’s getting hot in HURRR.
Bette and Tina are still in the elevator. They’re role playing a sexy game called “What would Dan Foxworthy say?”
Bette: “He’d ask what each of us wants,”
Tina: “And we’d say, I dunno! ”
Bette: “And he’d say, What are you afraid of Tina?”
Tina: “Fucking it all up.”
Bette [Dan voice]: “What else are you afraid of Tina?”
Tina: “I’m afraid of what everyone will think of us, how they’ll judge us, how hurt Jodi will be.”
Jodi already knows there’s something wrong, but not specifically. Bette’s got it figured out — you know, that thing that you do when you keep coming back to the same person despite it all — despite what you’ll lose, who’ll get hurt, despite everything that’s never worked out before and might not work out again. But still, when you’re around this One Person everything feels … right. It feels real. Authentic. Inevitable. You worry it’s just comfort but that doesn’t seem right and so you gotta put a name on it, be sure that whatever it is — it’s worth it. You won’t look like a jackass again, or tear someone’s heart out. Bette’s put her finger on it: they’ve got “the same values.” That’s how they could “parent together even when things were acromonious” or some big word that neither Tina or I probably know.
Bette: “We both care about the quality of life, and you know, I like the choices you make, and the things that you surround yourself with. I mean, there’s attention to beauty, I think that’s important. And I’m comfortable with the people in your world, and I think you’re comfortable with the people in mine.”
Tina: “Weboth like the same people.”
Bette: “And we dislike the same people.”
Tina “We’d both rather stay in on New Year’s Eve.” [Dan-cough]
Bette: “Yes, Dan?”
(this feels like Inside the The Actor’s Studio when James Lipton wants them to become their characters or whathaveyou, doesn’t it?)
Tina [Dan voice]: “What are you afraid of?”
Bette: “I’m afraid that I’m destructive. That if I have something good, I feel compelled to destroy it.”
No I’m Not Aware of How I Could Possibly Love You Without Aching: Then Tina apologizes for being a cunt too — e.g., Henry, who clipped his toenails in front of all of us, using Angelica against her, etc. Bette doesn’t seem angry, and I think it’s ’cause they’re even now. And sometimes you gotta run around with other fools to realize how much you love the one you started out with. Bette scooches over and tells Tina she loves her. Tina suggests they’re both afraid that these feelings are a result of not being together. Fair enough — the urgency & passion probs will die down when it’s no longer an affair, but that doesn’t mean the underlying connection will die along with it. They might stop having sex eventually, but oh well, who has the time in this city? Everyone’s stuck on the 405.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #27: My Kind of Panic Attack
The Players: Bettina
The Pickup: “For me, it doesn’t feel like an affair. It feels like I’m coming home.” (Bette)
Hot or Not? I believe there’s been rolling blackouts reported throughout the WeHo area.
What are You Waiting For? We’re Waiting for Nikki. : Shane wants to leave the set, it’s too hot. Jenny wants to wait. Shane doesn’t wanna wait for her life to be over, she wants to know right now when will it be: presto! Molly calls, she’s scurred of the dark and she sent Richard back to Vermont. She needs Shane. Don’t we all. Also, love that straight girl entitlement, Molls.
Multiply Life By the Power of Two: Nikki bursts through Jenny’s door, talking crazy about Jenny’s love letter (I imagine Jenny just copied down some Amy Ray lyrics from memory) to a dark figure who appears to be Jenny but is clearly Adele. Then Nikki lays a fat one on Adele. Look, I know Nikki gets around, but wouldn’t she notice those aren’t Jenny’s lips? That it’s not Jenny’s touch, or her smell, or her style?
The “No Shit” Award of the Week goes to Nikki for this gem: “You look a lot like her in the dark, and it’s really weird, ’cause you look a lot like her right now.” Jenny never has to know they kissed accidentally, and Nikki looks weirded out … but not as weirded out as she should be. I have a lot of questions for Adele.
In the Shadows: Molly’s sorry, she was scared, Shane agrees: it sho was crazy on the roads! But Molly corrects her: “Not scared of the dark. Scared ’cause I wanna fuck you.” Shane’s probs scared too, I think she likes to be the fucker not the fuckee. Then Molly stars drinking like it’s the night before rehab. Molly hasn’t done “this” since Girl Scouts/Truth or Dare (I bet Phyllis was the leader. My Mom was my girl scout leader, and now she’s gay. So.), and she’s nervous, and when she’s nervous, she talks a lot. Molly’s super adorable and also even hotter in person. I love her oversharing, it’s adorable, it reminds me of um, me. She probably likes Shane’s sturdy undemanding silence. She wants to breathe, and be loved.
Molly: “Richard thinks I’m oddly proportioned.”
Shane: “Richard’s a tool.”
Molly: “I know, we went to Nantucket last summer and I caught him jacking off to internet porn when I wasn’t looking. How gross is that, yeah? He says he loves me but he’s totally full of shit.”
Shane: “Why are we still talking about Richard?”
Is that gross? Not really. I hope Molly’s a lesbian, ’cause most heterosexual women would accept porn masturbation as par for the course. What is gross is him thinking Molly’s oddly proportioned. She’s actually perfectly proportioned. It’s one of her prime qualities. Other prime qualities include: aforementioned nervous fast-talking, her ponytail, her breasts, her mention of Gender Studies. She’s actually a lot like her mother, even in how she’s dealing with being lezzified. I can’t imagine dinner with these two, they’re probs like, “I am feeling really strongly about the sauce you used with the chicken this evening and I think it’s different than it tasted last night with the mashed potatoes,” and then Phyllis is interrupting already to declare she’s become a vegan and then Molly interrupts to say what’s wrong with hunting deer and then hoo-ha, take off your bra!
Regardless of the Sun’s Demands: Max & Tom didn’t even have the motivation to change clothes for their date! DOOMED! I guess it’s hard to get dressed in the dark, though I think Jenny does it every day. I’m not sure if dinner ever happened (perhaps it was too darn hot), but the date seems to be progressing quite well.
Cait: The power’s out and everyone’s getting frisky.
Haviland: It’s like the blackout in New York!
[Pre-viewing, I asked Cait she wanted to make a bet as to if Haviland would recall & discuss NYC blackout sexytime while we watched this montage. Cait would not make that bet. Good call, Cait.]
Look at Molly’s little pink shirt and cute childhood bedroom! OMG!
Lesbian Sexy Moment #28: The Other Side of Desire
The Players: Shane and Molly
The Pick-Up: “Okay!”
There’s a little kissin’. “We don’t have to do this,” Shane says. That’s not true, they do, this show’s almost over and no one’s gotten naked yet, I hope everyone does in the last five minutes. (Update: OMG!) C’mon Ilene. Molly wants to. Molly takes off her shirt, she takes off Shane’s shirt ..
And they soldier on. And it is beautiful.
I Know, I Know, I Know, I’m Still Your Love: Nikki comes to Jenny and starts her little speech over again about the best love letter ever and so forth. It reminded her of why she wants to be in this movie, because she has no taste and enjoys terrible writing. Then Jenny starts making out with her. Then they say they love each other so much and they’re so sorry. Jenny’s like, it’s okay, hello, it’s me, Jesse, obvs I’ve more or less been there. I’m not sure what she’s apologizing for though, she’s not the one who slept with the Midge. Jenny forgives fast — I think it’s cause she understands Nikki’s confusion and momentary lapses of reason, but also she just loves Nikki a lot.
LSM #28 Continued
Molly’s first shot at lesbian sexytime has transformed her into a little baby: “Look! Dog!” “Look! Car!” “Look! Mommy!” First she notes that Shane’s softer than a guy, to which Shane responds …
“Guess what? I’m not a guy. Surprise.”
Then she notes that Shane’s wet. Shane’s like, “What did you expect?” and Molly’s like, “Not that,” and then Shane stands up and says “You’re not ready for this,” and then Molly tops her. She’s breakin’ all the rules ’cause she doesn’t know any. Love it!
“Am I doing it right?” She asks, and Shane’s like “Yeah, yeah, you’re doing it perfect …”
She’s totally ready to teach. We don’t see a lot of scenes like this with Shane, and I’m glad for it, better late than never.
LSM #26 Continued
I love the ice game. Also.
I love Tasha’s laugh.
And her rack:
Bette and Tina, sitting in an elevator, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
Bette has a Jesus moment:
A very flattering angle for lesbians. See: Myspace profile photos.
O #1: Tina.
So Taxing: I guess Tom’s probs sticking it in Max’s butt, ’cause the other thing would be like shooting a hot dog down a hallway because Tom’s used to doing it with dudes and dudes do it up the butt, which’s a tighter hole, just ask Brian Kinney. I could keep going, but I wouldn’t want you to feel weird. Unless you already DO feel weird, which’s fine, perhaps this scene isn’t your cup of tea. I’m going to stop now.
Nikki and Jenny: Pretty Together.
Nikki’s breasts are quite something.
O #2: Molly
O #3: Tasha
Haviland: “Everyone’s going down on everyone!”
Riese: “I know, they’re hungry, ’cause they can’t open their refrigerator–”
Cait: “Everything’s gonna rot!”
Molly wants to return the favor, but feels un-ready ’cause she doesn’t know how.
Shane: “I’m gonna show you one more time, okay?”
Molly’s on her way to double trouble when she spies out of the corner of her eye … Mommmm!
Totally horrifying, obvs.
Howevs, elsewhere in Who-Ville, the day continues to burn burn burn on like a roman candle …
The power’s on!
Bette & Tina collect themselves and exchange “I love yous.”
These are real I love yous too. Relieved, assured, settled, happy … nervous.
“Dan” (who looks totally different) apologizes for trapping them in the elevator.
“I think we actually … clarified some things for ourselves,” they say. All is well.
Riese: “I don’t know what to say.”
Cait: “You can’t … even … make fun of this? Really?”
Haviland: “Oh my GOD.”
Lesbian Squabble #28:
In the Ring: Molly vs. Phyllis
Content: Phyllis thinks Molly should be ashamed of herself — Shane’s “beneath her.” Molly basically seems to agree that Shane’s beneath her but just doesn’t see it as a problem: “So Shane’s not gonna win a MacArthur Genius Grant anytime soon … I don’t like Shane for her political views, I like Shane because she’s easy and simple and maybe she’s not the smartest person in the world but at least she’s not fuckin’ Richard.”
Who Wins? Cal Edison? Phyllis? Not Shane, that’s for sure, ’cause she’s seen/heard the whole thing, and she’s sad. She may not have won a MacArthur Genius Grant, but you know what? She has feelings! FEELINGS!
I’ll just have to call this entire montage Lesbian Sexy Moment #30.
I skipped 29, ’cause of the brownout.
Hot or Not? HOT.
Lesbian Sexy Moments: A lot. 30 total
Lesbian Squabbles: 3 this episode, 28 total.
Quote of the Week: Jenny
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Too Darn Hot