So, how about them Giants/Patriots? There’s nothing that gets me going quite like a bunch of men in shoulderpads rolling around on the grass trying to beat each other up, kicking/throwing balls in the air/through goalposts and stopping every 1-2 minutes to stand around planning how they’re gonna bend over on all fours the next time around. Ho-hum. Oh! Yes there is! LESBIAN DANCE PARTIES!
Also though: this episode should’ve been called “Like That Would EVER Happen.” Don’t get me wrong — the last 20 minutes were some of the best I’ve seen on this show. It was fun and quality and featured all those verbs they sing about in that opening song we all cream over. Um, fighting, winning, fucking, whatevs. They should add “swimming,” like that Poe song about the dolphin, ’cause I feel like there’s a lot of swimming in this show.
In honor of the Lez Girls Dance Party, in this photo we’re dong Alex’s signature dance move, the side punch. Alex’s number one feeling is Dancing. We’re not wearing sunglasses ’cause we didn’t just get our pupils dilated and we’re not snobs.
This week’s viewing extravaganza was attended by myself, Alex, Cait, Haviland and my roommate Zoey.
Haiku for Ilene Chaiken:
FYI, I want
Sarah Polley to play me
in my first movie.
OurChart LIVE: The cast of “Lez Girls” is gathered for their first scripted reading. They’ve got a lot of feelings: Helen’s flight from Accent-land was hellish, Nina thinks they’re gonna do some really great work, “Begonia” says she’s playing “the predator” ’cause she’s too cool to say “Karina” (aren’t we all), Nikki Stevens/Jessie’s wearing sunglasses ’cause her pupils are dilated not ’cause she’s a snob, and Jenny is just really excited — dare I say — genuinely excited, truly pumped/awed that this is really happening. She’s so excited, she just can’t hide it: she’s even gotta do that thing where she sticks her hands in the air, shakes her head like a Polaroid picture, and screams like a little girl.
I have a lot of feelings about this scene, including but not limited to: If Cammie-as-Shaun wanted to make sweet love to me this afternoon, I’d put aside the recap, why’s Elise talking like that?, do they not trust anyone to fake a British accent?, Nina looks like Susan Powter, Is that Bella’s girlfriend?, Bev is white? Her sister is still black?, did “Kat” really just do that I feel uncomfortable now, Jenny’s really going out on a limb with the soccer-tennis switch-up — I hope Donna doesn’t find a lump in her breast, that guy’s way more Gomey than Tim, Nikki’s lines are mildly retarded is she on drugs, cleavage seriously all around, why is Jenny dressed like a cherry pie with a peter pan collar?
Haviland: Hi, I’m Peter Pan.
Riese: And this is my assistant, Tinkerbell.
KATTISM: “I’m playin’ Kat,” (snaps fingers) “And y’all just better WATCH OUT!”
Ok, for what exactly? Your acting skills? Special relationship with that San Pellegrino bottle? You’ve got big shoes to fill, Kat, very important part, integral to the storyline. Basically: you’re the center of the show. If this show was the solar system, you’d be the sun or whichever planet is in the center, I wrote poems during science class. Oh! The Planet! THE Planet. You’re the Motherfuckin’ Planet. WATCH OUT!
Alex: I thought it was Lezzzz Girls
Riese: Now it’s Lay – Girls. It’s French.
Cait: They always pronounce it differently.
Riese: It’s a French film.
You Fall Back Into Where You Started: Tina’s stopping by The aforementioned Planet for a drink and runs into Bette, who’s suddenly acting kinda Single White Female towards Tina. Or Single Mixed-Race Female, whatevs. Actually, Polyamorous Mixed-Race Female. Defo female though, that’s for sure, even though she won’t let us see her boobs. “You’ve been avoiding me,” Bette says. Bette, being the lesbian that she is, wants to schedule a time to “talk” with Tina, but it can’t be now, she’s gotta meet Jodi. Right … Tina says: “I don’t wanna get into this manipulative push me- pull me thing with you.” On a scale of one to ten, Bette looks like she’d rather be at the bottom of a dark empty well than in her own life.
Take Me Out: Yay, Angela Robinson! Great writer — she did the phone-chain episode and directed D.E.B.S. A basketball player’s just come out and Daryl, the b-ball star from the Secrets Party, is on the teevee sayin’ he don’t want any fags in his locker room lookin’ at him. Good call, ’cause then he might be tempted to cheat on his boyfriend … omg I’m having deja vu from Queer as Folk … didn’t they already do this exact storyline? With Emmet Honeycutt and the football player? Alice is understandably appalled (she should see Jesus Camp, then she’ll really poke out her eyes w/the sporks of hypocrisy) and Tasha looks hot in a tank top, surprise:
Really Papi Really Award to Tasha (you can see Rose Rollins is hurting from having to force this totally unnatural line):
“It’s one thing to keep your business to yourself, but it’s another thing to go spread lies and hatred … he’ll get his some day … wish I could smack the shit out of that guy and out his hypocritical ass, but that ain’t gonna happen.”
LIKE THAT WOULD REALLY HAPPEN #1: In this day and age, a popular basketball player — especially a closeted one — wouldn’t talk like that on television. Maybe even two years ago he would, but not now. It’d be all over the news and he’d get his ass reamed the next morning on “The View,” and I’m not talking about the kind of ass reaming that he probs enjoys, but the kind that is painful. He might say he doesn’t approve, but I’m guessing his agent would advise him to stick to “no comment.”
Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’: Shane’s rollin’ up to SheBar, where she spots Lover Cindi in a hideous denim jumpsuit, like she’s in a Gas Attendants Calender. I didn’t know Cindi could speak without Dawn, she’s getting really complicated. Shane notes they’re putting up a drive-thru, coincidentally Kit once wanted the same thing. Cindi says a lot of gross things about pastries and the superior blend of their coffee. Cindi invites Shane over to her place so they can “whip her up something special.” Um. ew.
Alex: Is anyone turned on?
Riese: She had me at “muffins.”
Zoey: “Ladyfingers” is where I went in.
Riese: “Pie,” actually, is where I got snagged.
Alex: She had me at “pie.”
I’m Still The Girl From Down the Creek, Dawson: Nikki’s trying on dresses for the movie and talking about every girl she’s ever dated (this’d be a good moment for a “fresh meat” “cris-PAY” sequence) while Adele quietly thumbs through the rack and Jenny expresses her varying degrees of boredom and disinterest with the whole thing. Nikki asks Jenny why she doesn’t have a girlfriend and Jenny says it’s ’cause she’s being a good girl and focusing on her work. She can’t be troubled with the gender transitions and bad teeth of other women right now. Jenny”s not into Nikki’s wardrobe choices — she says Jessie didn’t become “fashion-forward” til she began her “Svengali” like relationship with Karina. Totally, after she met Karina, she discarded her ratty tights and Converse for pillow shams, doilies and curtain fringe. Now she’s wearing garbage bags and a flowers made of tissue paper. She tells Nikki not to listen to Adele, ’cause Adele wears mom jeans with camel-toe.
Go Ask Alice When She’s Ten Feet Tall: Adele’s inspired by Shane’s pot-brownie cookery to tell a half-baked (get it?!!) story about her Dad trying to arrest his neighbors for having a pot farm, but she can’t pull one over on Maximillian! He/she’s like “I thought your Dad was a traveling salesman.” What is this, 1945? No one’s a traveling salesman. Nice one, Adele, you should’ve said something more modern like “internet searcher.” This is totally gonna be like that girl Tara who stalked Kelly TAYLORRRR!
I Feel The Knife Going In, I’m Feeling Anxious: Alice asks how Jenny’s “indentured servant” is working out: she and Shane agree that Adele’s “kinda cute,” ’cause they’re smarty mcsmartersons who can see past her glasses into her facial features, body, hair and overall appearance. Max says Adele seems a little off, “like she’s not exactly who she pretends to be.” That sentence is a little off grammatically, but there’s a lot of things about Max that don’t make sense to me so I guess we’ll just move on. They dismiss Max. Look you guys, just because Max used to be a girl and speaks in a squeaky voice and has a sister named after a gas station doesn’t mean he’s stupid, okay?
Secrets Secrets Are No Fun Secrets Secrets Hurt Someone: Alice and Max have thrown together a little somethin’ for the ladies at OurChart to out the basketball player. Is Alice retarded? SUCH a bad idea! Remember when Perez Hilton got sued and bashed by everyone and their lesbian mother? WTF?! Also, if outing this guy is all she cares about, she should’ve just uploaded the video anonymously to youtube and not put her face on it. If they don’t address WHY she didn’t do that, I’m gonna scream.
LIKE THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN #2: She’s right that Daryl’s being an asshole hypocrite and he should be outed — but he does have a family and he’s not a politician or a religious leader — but putting her face on the news is just irresponsible if she’s not looking for attention, and I didn’t think Alice was that kind of girl. Right? She’s “Alice in Lesboland,” and this guy is in the NBA. If she made any money, she could totally get sued. Plus, this isn’t a good time, ’cause of Tasha, she’s basically ASKING the media to dig around her personal life, discover Tasha, and subsequently ruin Tasha’s life. I don’t know who Alice is anymore. If you said she was the housekeeper for the Bradys, I’d be like “Oh-kay!”
How About a Nooner?: Shane’s had quite a day! She’s already taken a drive, baked pot brownies, conversed with other people, and now she’s heading over to see Lover Cindy for a little Afternoon Delight.
Cait: Shane’s a busy lady!
Riese: She’s already done like three things today!
Zoey: She hasn’t gone to the gym yet.
Riese: That’s right, she still needs to go to the gym.
Nice Shoes, Wanna Fuck?: Shane spends a lot of time walking around vacantly in large Los Angeles mansions belonging to rich women who want to fuck her scrawny ass. She’s looking at Cindy and Dawn’s Wall-o-Vanity when Shane spies Cindy — naked — out of the corner of her eye. I think they stole this scene from “Lesbian Lovin’ #500 Starring Jenna Jameson.”
Lesbian Sexy Moment #13: Me and You And Your Girlfriend Makes Three
The Players: Shane and Lover Cindi
The Pick Up: “Do you like what you see?”
Hot or Not: OK first let me say what happens, which’s that Shane’s like “no drama, call your girl,” and Cindi’s like “whatchu sayin’, there’s somethin’ wrong with me and my naked hot body?” and Shane’s like “you made the rules, bitch, I just don’t want no drama in my life no more!” and Cindi’s like “Aw, but don’tchu wanna fuck this?” and Shane’s like “fuck,” and then they’re like bedow bbowwwwww. It actually is kinda hot. Insatiable libidos belonging to sexy girls like Shane are just hot, they just are, that’s just how it is. Hot.
Spotted! C and D, Making Lattes and Lox in the Daytime! I Wonder What Else this Devious Duo’s Got Up Their Non-Existent Sleeves, Probs Not Much, ‘Cause They’re Usually Naked: Spotted! A at The Planet, dishing the hot news to K — and K’s not happy. First stealing her clientele, then stealing her idea for a drive-thru (p.s. McDonald’s totally got that like, a million years ago, as did Starbucks)? Will K take that lying down? A says it looks like night-life is happening during the daytime. That’s actually impossible, because of time and the sun, but whatevs. Maybe they’re relocating to Anchorage.
This Just In! A’s outing that handsome homo-hating basketball player on OurChart, and the video’s gone viral and leaked onto national television! What will this mean for A and T? Will A stick it out under pressure, or will her new visibility mean T’s future as an Army of One is sealed?
you know you love me!
xoxo gossip girl
Like Old Yeller, But GAY!: Nikki and Jenny are BFFs now. In other news, Nikki looks great in a t-shirt. Jenny wants Sounder II to be in the movie. Maybe she can play the soccer player’s cat, Mr. Paddles. Tina points out that it’s complicated to put a dog into a production and if they did, they’d use a show dog anyway, like in Best in Show, starring Jane Lynch, who, along with her (ex?) girlfriend, has mysteriously disappeared from the show. The Vortex is getting super-crowded, probs hot, they’ll have to take off all their clothes.
Encircle Her, She Needs To Be Taken Down: Tina pulls Adele aside for a little one-on-one — she needs Adele to give her a “heads-up” should she spy any problematic Jenny Moments that might hinder production. This conversation doesn’t really make sense, I think the point is to show Adele’s loyalty to Jenny as well as her willingness to provide doormat duty for whomevs. When Tina walks away, they play creepy music so we all know that behind those glasses, Adele is actually Batwoman.
The News Broke Today So We’re Not Talking: Alice calls Tasha to tell her she’s gonna be on Crossfireball or whatevs, which sounds like a fun video game … and is adorable. She wants to know what Tasha wants her to say to the news people. I’m guessing: NOTHING. Also, she’s dyed her bedsheets a slightly darker shade of purple, wrapped a belt around her waist, and called it a dress. When she stands in front of the mirror and goes “I am a professional,” it’s pretty cuuttttee!
I Just Called To Say I Love Myself: Bette calls Tina to ask if she can take Angie the weeknd of the 4th … but really, she just wants to talk ’cause she “doesn’t know what to do.” Tina’s like, ok, ’cause she probs figures that Bette wants to talk about their problem, but obvs she doesn’t, she wants to talk about herself! And even better … JODI! Jodi’s under fire for the fake-gun-art-student incident, and Bette’s concerned Jodi won’t do well in front of the board. Tina gives her the right advice — you can’t control everything, you can’t take care of everything, and she needs to let Jodi take care of herself. Tina’s finally standing up for herself! Hurrah!
This is the Longest Day of All Time: OMG it’s almost time for the big party! Max has taken on the thankless role of “the only one who notices how creepy the creepy girl is.” This is a common storyline in all stories since the beginning of time, like Shakespeare. Max has finally figured out how to use a computer and he’s done a background check on Adele and her story doesn’t add up.
Really, the Jenny Moment is dedicated to the way that Jenny eats her cake in this scene. It’s absolutely everything you could ever want out of Jenny Schecter.
Also, following it up with: “Max, I don’t need to know this shit before festivities begin” is the icing on the cake of this Jenny Moment.
LIKE THIS WOULD EVER HAPPEN #3: If I’d found an assistant living in The Planet, reading my book for the 10th time on her mountain o’ random bags and then my friend did an internet search/background check and discovered major holes and discrepancies in my assistant’s story, I’d at least listen — and I am like Number One Sucker. Seriously I’ll fall for anything if someone seems to have a good soul. Anyhow, if I was Jenny — a public figure with a lot of money — I would NOT NOT NOT give Adele the benefit of the doubt. Shane would NOT say “I think she’s a sweetheart.” They would do more research, they’d be alllll over that shit. You err on the side of caution, ’cause people are CRAZY. Didn’t they see this happen on 90210???
Kelly Taylor and her psycho-stalker Tara Marks,
From Season Six of Beverly Hills 90210
Because Jenny is a twat, she yells for Adele like a petulant child and when Adele arrives, she tells Adele what Max uncovered. Adele’s explanation is one part stupid, one part lie.
I’ll Cross Fire Your Balls: Alice is on the news and the news guy’s attacking her for taking it upon herself to out Daryl Brewer and ruin his life. He asks her why it is that she’s an internet journalist and she doesn’t know the power of the net.
Zoey: What did she think was gonna happen when she made this video?
Riese: This show is ridiculous, is what’s happening. I mean, I guess she doesn’t know anything about basketball, so maybe she didn’t know it’d break …
Zoey: She doesn’t know anything about the internet, either?
Riese: Well, she works at OurChart.
Of course she doesn’t know the power of the net, they haven’t even figured out yet how to create a functional website. Alice says that gay people are bashed and killed every day and that she respects someone’s choice to stay in the closet but she doesn’t think it’s okay to kiss your boyfriend one day and go out and trash gay people the next day. That’s true. But still!
Oh, What a Feeling? Jodi and Bette are getting ready for Jenny’s party but Bette don’t wanna go no more, she wants to be alone w/Jodi to “connect” after all that nonsense at work. That’s always my idea every time I’ve ever had to go to a party ever. “Hm, how ’bout instead of that party, we DON’T go to that party? Whaddya say?” Jodi suspects Bette’s just trying to weasel her way out of it ’cause she hates Jenny, but Bette insists that she’s totally detached from the concept that Jenny’s movie has anything to do with her life. “It’s fiction,” Bette declares. “Fiction.” Unfortunately, Jodi wants to dance, she’s like Alex, who’s number one feeling is dancing. I hope that Bette’s gonna jump up and be like “What A feelin’!” Let’s get Crazy Legs up in here, it is time to PART-AY LADIES MOVE FELLAS MOVE !!
This party is kickass! I wanna go to it, and I don’t even like leaving my apartment!
Just Don’t Let Bella Talk to “The Advocate” …
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #1: Shane & “Shaun” = Just Say “I’m Not Into Labels”
The Convo Between Shane and “Shaun” – Meta-ville. Like many shows wallowing in the murky yet shallow depths of their fifth season, The L Word realises it’s much funnier when it makes fun of itself, like Dawson’s Creek. Here, we’ve got Kate making fun of herself for being so defensive about her sexuality when this show started, even though she had a girlfriend and stuff. And now Kate’s gonna get it on with Paris Hilton, which just goes to show that gays have come a long way! Anyhow.
Shane: So, you’re uh … playing Shaun?
Shane: Congratulations. [You’re about to fuck a lot of chicks!]
Shaun: [Totally out of nowhere] I’m not gay.
Shane: [Yeah you are] Oh-kay.
Shaun: [Trying too hard] I have a boyfriend … so …
Shane: [Not buying it at all.] Good for you ..
Shaun: [Really pushing it] I just play gay …
Shane: [Right …] Right …
Shaun: [Really Papi?] Gay for pay …
Shane: [cute as fuck] Hahaha … that’s cute.
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #2: Alice & “Elise” = For Example, You Could Be About 100 Times More Critter-ish
Alice meets her doppelganger and just doesn’t see the resemblance — neither does the actress, who’s actually kinda likeable and cute to me right now. Alice begins: “I have some ideas … I was actually gonna get in touch with you, through Jenny …” You just know she’s got those ideas on a stickie on her little powerbook at home. “Wear cute dresses, get glasses, be adorable,” and so on.
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #3: Bette & “Bev” = Couldn’t They Just Bring Back Barbara Kottmier for A Third Round?
Bella interrupts Bette’s “apology” to Tina for talking her ear off earlier that day. I’m surprised Tina can even remember their conversation, as this is the longest day ever, maybe we really are in Alaska. Bella tells Bette she’s been researching her online and hopes Bette can help her with some of her “whys.” That’s actor jargon, obvs.
Bette: “I knew that you were in the movie, I just didn’t realise you’d be playing Jenny’s warped interpretation of me.”
Lesbian Squabble #11: Fine Tell Them Who You Think You Are
In the Ring: Bette vs. Bella/”Bev”
Content: All the girls chomp on cucumber slices and Bella asks Bette questions that no one would ever actually ask another person in real life (LIKE THAT WOULD ACTUALLY HAPPEN #5). Which’s fine, because it enables the best line of the episode, which’s Bette (below, but first …)
Who Wins?: I Think Bette, though her anger’s kinda transparent, she does get a good solid jab in t
Bella: “I can see that you are an incredibly passionate and accomplished woman, you’ve worked hard to get where you are, you’re bold and uncompromising in your vision and your approach to life, you’ve got a great marriage to a kind and generous partner — but something’s wrong. Why? What is it in Bev that seeks to sabotage everything she’s built? Why does she cheat with the plumber?”
Bette: [To Tina] “Does she seriously think that Jenny’s idiotic drivel is reflective of me and my life … at all?” [To Bella]: “I can’t answer your fucking “whys” and you know why? Because it’s not me. It’s not me, and apart form everything else I am frankly fucking flabbergasted, I am FLABBERGASTED that she cast such a — WHITE actress. She’s WHITE. Okay, was Mary Fucking Poppins not available? I mean really, what the fuck can she possibly know about my life? What can she know?” [Bette storms off]
Bella: “Is she black?” [I admit actually I thought the same thing when I first saw this show … ]
(Also, Bette’s getting a little repetitive here in the latter seasons of her run, but oh well)
Quote of the Week: “I’m flabbergasted that she cast such a — WHITE — actress. She’s WHITE. Okay, was Mary Fucking Poppins not available?”
Lesbian Squabble #11 Ctd. Then Bette fights with Jodi, which’s essentially a continuation of that fight she just had, since it’s not really Jodi she’s mad at, it’s herself, and Bella, and maybe Tina, or the plumber/carpenter, or the world, or her heart, which I personally refuse to write off as cold and reckless, because it happens, you know, we’ve all been there or seen it, that being torn between two people thing, when losing one feels like losing everything even though it’s only losing half of everything technically, still, it’s somehow everything, and I think this is the way that we often live. I still like Bette, I just think she’s kinda being unfair to everyone right now and should probs break up with Jodi.
In the Ring: Bette Vs. Jodi
Content: Jodi’s talking to another human, so Bette gets pissed at her ’cause she’s actually just upset about her life in general, which’s reasonable considering how it’d feel to have a movie made of all your fuckups and Bella’s inappropriate behavior, but also, it’s not fair to Jodi necessarily. Jodi came here to dance and she hasn’t danced yet. You can’t hold her down, ’cause the Deaf Can Dance, oh yes they can. Bette’s like, well, I’m leaving anyhow, ’cause I’ve created a lot of drama and would rather not hang out in its aftermath.
Who Wins?: Jodi.
And so it is … just like you said it would be …
I ‘m taken I am yours, I’m up and doing circles
I’m taken I am yours, I’m up and doing circles
I’m taken I am yours, I’m up and doing circles
Tina chases Bette outside to apologise for Bella’s behavior. Then they have a conversation that’s actually kinda poignant and effective. Like for about a minute, I feel like I’m watching a real television show that gives me feelings, how this show used to feel before I decided to recap it, like when I’d just sit back and be like “aw, what did Carmen just say to Shane before she walked away, she had a pet hamster?” instead of thinking “OMG, really, I can’t wait to make fun of that weirdo-crazytown-hooha.” Anyhow, totes worth it in any event.
Bette: “You know what though? She’s not wrong. I still don’t have any answers to any of her whys. I don’t.”
Tina: “What happened the other night –” (I totally said this part with her, as it was mega-predictable) “– it was a mistake. It just shouldn’t have happened”
Bette: “We just got caught up in a moment.”
Tina: “It’s just not gonna happen again.”
Bette asks if she’s sorry that it happened. Tina says she is. Tina asks if Bette is in love with Jodi. Bette says she is, but she’s lying. These two. They need to get their shit together.
Also when Tina walks off, she looks like she’s limping or something, she’s like the Hunchback of West Hollywood.
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #4: MY NUMBER ONE FEELING IS DANCING!!
Alice and Shane are silly with the gay pot brownies and all the girls are doin’ shots. Then, something truly spectacular happens: THEY START PLAYING MY FAVORITE SONG OF ALL TIME “I WANT YOU BACK” BY THE JACKSON FIVE. This song hands down totes makes me want to get up and dance more than any other song on earth, my number one feeling is Jackson Five. Like I can barely recap this scene I wanna dance so bad!
Leisha does this fantastic head-twist hair twirl full-body dance move, and Shane’s behind her like the sexiest kind of scarecrow-dancer, and then a stoned Tina joins them. Jenny and Nikki are tossing each other around, Jodi’s finally getting what she came for (she came to get FuNKY!) (also, I’d like to make a cheap joke about deaf people not being able to hear music and therefore not able to dance, but hello Beethoven, obvs they can feel the vibrations and the sexual healing too I bet, holla) and something else is that it’s like Laurel & Kate & Leisha & Mia are dancin’, ’cause if you’re obsessed like me, you know that these girls are besties and love each other, and so the impression that their having a blast is resonant, is complete, is … (thank you Angela Robinson) … real. Alice is the cutest dancer ever.
Then Dawn Denvo busts in. She announces: “I’m fuckin’ Dawn Denvo, and this is my lover Cindi.” The girls respond in the only way anyone could really respond to that kind of nonsense: laughing like hooligans. Stoned, shiny, happy hooligans.
Best Lesbian Squabble EVER – #12/AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #5: This Was SOOO NOT in Papi’s Rules of Poke-Her
In the Ring: Fuckin’ Dawn Denbo vs. Shane and all her fuckin’ smug ass motherfuckin’ friends.
Content: Somehow — I seriously am baffled as to how — Dawn knows that Cindi and Shane had a little afternoon romp in her palace. Shane, stoned and adorably confused, manages a “I thought you said it was okay–” to Cindi, who keeps shrugging, which helps to keep her head from floating away due to its large capacity for hot air. “You’re messing with the wrong bitch, bitch,” Dawn emotes — and Alice, Shane and Tina just crack up, ’cause Dawn’s being ridic and they’re stoned. Dawn needs a brownie, STAT. Anyhow, she says she’s gonna ruin “every one of your fuckin’ smug ass motherfuckin’ friends and your stupid ass fucking Planet.” Also, she’s gonna take Jenny down too even though she doesn’t know who she is. She finishes her little Crazytown rampage with: “It’s on, it’s motherfucking ON!” And they’re like “OMGG” and Cindi’s like “sorzz…” and they leave and Shane’s like “those are the chicks that own the Planet,” and everyone’s like ha-ha-ha.
Who Wins?: Shane, obvs, ’cause Dawn’s crazy. Also, I’d like to see Dawn get a billboard and make some fliers before I take this bitch seriously. I mean, c’mon, you think Shane’s indimidated by your pussy shit? When there’s nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.
Cait: That would never happen.
Riese & Haviland: YEAH IT WOULD.
Sidenote: See that? What just happened w/Dawn & Cindi? Now THAT would’ve been good fodder for OurChart. Two prominent lesbians starting a new lesbian business storming into a party, causing a scene in front of everyone and making threats. That, Alice in LesboLand, would’ve been a great segment for your show — especially since those women had no illusion of privacy when doing what they did. Just sayin’. I mean, we shouldn’t eat our own, but Dawn is TALKING CRAZY!!
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #6 – OK Now You Say “Jenny. It’s Marina.” but with an ACCENT:Jenny & Nikki (stoned as stoned can be) are being fun & indulgent little girls, enacting a live on-the-spot “rehearsal” of one of Jessie’s key scenes — The Karina/bathroom hook from the pilot. OK you totally know that Jenny used to boss around her friends & stuffed animals like this when she was a little girl, “Look here, Teddy Rumpskin, YOU are the mayor of Bananaville, and Marcy’s your teacher, Marcy, you take Teddy and stand on the tree stump with Pocahantas, with your light sabre and your hoola hoop, is everybody READY? Positions? Who has the magic cauldron! Bring me the monkeys! The cabbage patch kid is your BABY, Lucy, please don’t forget that, ACTION! Be serious you guys, be serious!” Nikki keeps giggling but tries to find her center and Jenny’s doing her best Marina while coaching Nikki.
“Then you remember that you have this man named Jim. Who likes to swim.”
Lesbian Sexy Moment #14/AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #8: Eros the Bittersweet
The Pick-Up: Following a very convincing workshop of the Jessie-Karina scene, Jenny directs Nikki —
Jenny: “And now you have to go.”
Nikki: “Or … Jessie stays.”
Jenny: “Nikki stays.”
Hot Or Not?: Um … HOT. Even if you hate Jenny, you have to admit it’s kinda hot.
They relocate to Jenny’s closet ’cause the door to the bedroom won’t lock … and finally, Jenny lets her guard down. She’s not a pretentious fuck anymore, she’s just a pretty girl with soft hair and ample breasts making out with another pretty girl with soft hair and ample breasts.
Nikki: “We’re gonna fuck in a closet.”
Jenny: “The irony hasn’t escaped me.”
Jenny and Nikki’s sex is giggly and delicious. Isn’t this probably her ultimate sexual fantasy? To be doing it with someone who not only loves her work but has begged her for the chance to recreate it, live, on screen?
AWESOME PARTY MOMENT #9: All the girls get naked and jump in the pool. Shane’s like “I’ve had sex in this pool” (we know) and Tina’s like “This used to BE my pool!” Alice feels like she’s losing her buzz and heads back inside, obviously we all know what’s going to happen. She’s gonna run into Tasha.
Lesbian Squabble #13: I Think It’s Best We Do A Little Bit of Stopping
In the Ring: Tasha and Alice
Content: Tasha’s like “Wtf, Alice?” She says Alice doesn’t know about this man’s life or what he’s going through and it wasn’t her place to out him. Alice says Tasha’s being a hypocrite ’cause she told Alice not to let Tasha’s situation to affect her life and the second she does something she wants to do, Tasha freaks. Um Oh-Kayyy Alice, there’s a lot of things you want to do, like ignore Max and talk about sex in sign language, I’m sure, but this is an EXTREME. Now everyone in the courtroom at Tasha’s trial is gonna know who Alice is and question her motivations and honesty. It’s one thing to live her life — to go out to lesbian parties and all that — but it’s another thing to go on national television outing a celebrity from a party you signed a privacy pledge to enter (which subsequently gives everyone else permission to break theirs and talk about Tasha). Howevs, when Tasha says that
it’s the same thing as if someone was outing her, that’s not true, ’cause Tasha didn’t go on teevee to bash a gay coworker. Alice says she’s not going to live in a closet because Tasha made that choice and she didn’t sign up for that. Actually she did, by dating someone in the military, they should probs break up, except I don’t want Tasha to leave the show, ’cause she’s super hot. Tasha says they don’t see eye to eye, so that’s that.
Who Wins?: I gotta say probs Tasha. I think Alice made a bad move. I understand that she’s not in agreement with Tasha’s decision — but if that’s the case, she shouldn’t be in this relationship right now. Like I wouldn’t date a cop, ’cause I like to break laws.
This is Adele, cleaning up after the party. She spies Jenny and Nikki, still gettin’ it on:
OK prediction is that Adele’s going to go all single white female/Tara Marks in 90210. And then she’s gonna go get a makeover on her own time — it’d be too easy for someone else to orchestrate it — and show up at some big event (like say the movie premiere) in one of Jenny’s dresses looking just like Jenny and then she’s gonna be like “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t think you’d mind if I borrowed your dress, it just fit me so perfectly …” Etc. And everyone’s gonna be like “she looks great,” and Max’ll be like “that’s creepy,” and Jenny will freak out ’cause it’s her dress and not ’cause Adele is trying to be her, which she’ll probs just find flattering. Hopefully at some point someone will make out, naked, or whatever. Also seriously this is a prediction, I don’t watch ahead ’cause I feel it affects my work as an ARTEEEST.
I’m A Car Crash But I Have To Get Up: Tina’s too drunk to drive, and Jodi finds her trying to get into her car and says no, bad idea. Friends don’t let friends drive drunk. Or girlfriends don’t let their girlfriend’s ex-girlfriend drive drunk either. So she takes Tina home. Not home as in “her home where she lives, ” but home as in “the place she used to live, which’s loaded with ghosts and sadness.” Bette wakes up and comes outside to see Jodi assisting Tina, and Bette stands there with her own ghosts and sadness, staring mournfully at Tina, and probably also wondering why the cops never came ’cause she called about that noise complaint like 20 minutes ago.
Also: WHERE THE F IS ANGELICA? WHO’S WATCHING THE BABY?
Lesbian Sexy Moments: TWO this episode, 14 total
Lesbian Squabbles: THREE this episode, 13 total
Quote of the Week: Bette
Really Papi Really Award: Tasha
On a Scale of 1 to 10: Let’s Dance!