The L Word Episode 503 Recap: Lady of the Lake

This L Word recap was originally published on The Road Best Straddled in 2008, before the Autostraddle YOU know and love got invented! It has been republished here for your viewing delight.



Ok whoa!! Last week I was talking about this show like it was the real deal and now it’s letting us down, just like our first wife! Episode 503: “Letdown.” The first scene: pure, unadulterated bliss. Everything following the first scene: so terrible, I found myself often accidentally/constantly sticking my finger in Alex’s ear. She actually likes it a little bit, she just won’t admit it. We’ve had an emotional few days, but um, I’m pretty sure that this episode was bad all on its own. If not, I apologize to everyone, but most of all to my BFF Ilene Chaiken, for my rash and unfair judgment of her tender masterpiece. You can make it up to me with a cupcake from the new Magnolia! How exciting.


Haiku to Ilene Chaiken:
Really? Why now?
OurChart OurChart Our
Chart Really Ilene?
But Now a Message From Our Sponsors: I’ve concluded this program wasn’t intended for premium cable drama programming. Clearly it’s a compilation tape of several commercials & product plugs and public service announcements. Therefore, instead of watching these adverts all the way through and subsequently boring you with the tedious details, at many points in this recap, I’ve simply linked to a more informative video for you to view at your leisure. It’s like the future!

Also, in the past, I’ve made self-deprecating statements like, “I’m not funny anymore, this recap isn’t funny,” etc. but I’m serious this time. I promise to rock your socks off next week, fo’serious. Urmmm … obvs it’s a little late, and as you know, I never recap late, clearly there’s a mysterious reason for this that also means I’m not super-clever right now but does mean I am an X-Men person. Oh but also feel free to yell at me about not being funny, I enjoy S & M. Just check my OurChart profile. Really, I dare you. It’s not weird to meet people on the internet.

  1. By “Taloo” I meant “Talum.” I was just making sure y’all knew how to read a map and spell words in languages. Would you like to travel to Talum? Check it.
  2. This is not the way that we live.
  3. Not my mistake, but: it’s “obvs” not “obs.” OBs are tampons.
  4. Shane is reminded of Carmen, not Dana. I’m not correcting myself, I’m correcting everyone who disagrees with me. I will fight everyone to the death on this. Watch out, I’m a Reiki Master and I know people who know people who might know your people, watch me go!
  5. Carly says we didn’t invite her to watch the show this week, which isn’t true. We texted her at about two, twice, to see if she wanted to hang out and got no response. Then when we decided to watch the show on Saturday night, we somehow miscommunicated that Alex had reached out once again and told Carly about our plans. Alex has confirmed that she did not do this. Still though. I’ve got her opinion, and I’ll be sharing it with you in a little bit. Also, we love her, etc.
  6. OK, just to make myself feel better, I watched the first five minutes of Episode 504 to see if I’ve got anything to look forward to, and it was pretty good. No worries guys, second chances for everyone, everything’s gonna be fine.

 


How Do You Talk to Charlie’s Angels: The opening scene is delightful — it’s Alice’s dream about Jenny’s movie and also, coincidentally — our dream about Jenny’s movie! It’s Charlie’s Angels! In fact, Alex and Haviland found themselves attracted to Kate Moennig, that’s how good it was. Personally, I’ve never had trouble seeing her appeal, in fact, it was my obsession with Shane that got me into this mess to begin with.

Haviland [speaking too soon]: “This is the best L Word episode I’ve ever seen you guys.”


We’re hearting Helena’s denim jumpsuit, Alice’s high camp attitude, Kate femming it up (I like her better andro, but that’s just me) … we can’t wait to parody this in our vlog.


 


All The Mocha Lattes You Better Do Pilates: Well, that was nice, did we all have fun? Okay, now the pain begins. First, we’re at the gym, because exercise is good for you. Shane’s been at the gym since 5:30 A.M., you can tell this pretty easy if you check out her new biceps, they’re bulging, she’s Bowflex material. Also, she shouldn’t work out for that long, it’s bad for you, she’s gonna go crazy, it looks like she’s on too much Adderall. Shane’s given up sex ’cause she wants “no more drama,” and it’s purifying her whole entire soul & body. You may remember this from the preview. Jenny’s also at the gym with her new assistant, who might be sketchy, they can’t decide. Is this boring to read about? It was also boring to watch.

Tina hasn’t been on a date in a while. Luckily, Alice has the solution: they’re gonna browse profiles on OurChart to find Tina a date. You know, OurChart ? I hope so, because you’re on it.

Riese: “Oh, no.”
Alex: “Oh, no.”
Riese: “Did you see that?”
Haviland: “What?”
Alex: “Written by Ilene Chaiken.”
Haviland: “Ohhh.” [groans, but not in a good way] “Fuck.”

If Tina meets someone on OurChart, then this is officially really no longer the way that we live.


 


The T is for TransTastic, Obvs: Grace is back! There’s hope! I thought she was in The Vortex. They’re having a “conversation” about Tom’s attraction to Max, but the point of the convo is actually that transgender persons can change what gender they’re attracted to when they transition! It’s all just very complicated. Transgender people: check it. Also, what we’d really like to hear them talk about is why they aren’t still dating.

Here’s Tom and Jodi, enjoying some lemonade and conversation:


 


I Walk For Dana Fairbanks: Shane and Alice and Tina are doing this scene we already did in the gym (where Shane’s like, “don’t touch me!” to all the ladies). Everyone wants to touch Shane’s abs. Then they begin discussing the Breast Cancer Walk. Wanna know about that? Check it .

Haviland: “Side effects of watching the L Word are nausea, vomiting–”
Alex : “And self-hatred.”



I Would Go To Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was As Tough As You : This is the most erotic moment of the episode, we almost died. Helena’s strolling through the jailyard with her toothpick and her superhot ‘tude, lookin’ for her girl. It’s almost like she’s got a whole new personality. I’m beginning to think that Helena might really be mental. Anyhow, this personality is hot and it reminds us of Original Helena (or “og” for those of you down with the jive). We even want to make it a lesbian sexy moment, that’s how hot it was. Anyhow, they wouldn’t be allowed to just kiss like that. This isn’t Cancun. Helen & Bunny are obvs in love. They’re the hottest chickens in the chicken coop, they’re gonna ride off together into the sunset like in Chicken Run.


 


Lesbian Squabble #7: I’m Always Right, I’m Always Wrong

In the Ring : Jodi vs. Bette

Content: Bette’s got a reception for David Hockney and so she can’t go to Big Bear this weekend. Good call, I wouldn’t go anywhere with that woman Jodi, y’all are always fighting, I don’t think this relationship is gonna work (unless Bette’s one of those girls that just likes drama for the sake of drama, but usually those girls are unemployed and not busy, defo they don’t have major donor receptions.) Jodi tells Bette it’s the first time that Jodi’s invited someone to Big Bear. It’s a big deal, how DARE Bette not go? So Bette says she’ll go, because apparently she’s just lost all her brain cells. That must be very disarming for her, she clearly needs some touch football to exercise the ol’ noggin again.

And The Winner Is … : Jodi I guess, she did get what she wanted. But also she’s a bitch, so that’s that.

You guys, I have this weird feeling that Bette and Jodi aren’t gonna last.

Haviland : “I feel like every conversation they have is apologizing.”
Riese: “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.”


I’m Looking for Love. Real love. Ridiculous, Inconvenient, Consuming, Can’t-Live-without-Each-Other Love: Haviland thinks Jodi’s on her way to Russia where she’s going to fall in the Dior store. I would have to say I agree with her. I miss Sex and the City. That show was cheesy … but it was so tight. Not “tight” like a virgin (e.g., Madonna), but “tight” like quick, witty, and smart.


 


Deaf People LOVE Podcasts: Then Alice comes over to interview Jodi for her podcast, which I’m guessing is about as interesting as Grammar Girl. Actually, I love Grammar Girl. How come Alice hasn’t gotten to do anything really super-awesome yet this season? It’s like they’re taking her for granted. Howevs, before they can get to the podcasting, they’ve got to plug OurChart. I couldn’t sit through this scene, it hurt too much.

The Really Papi Really Award for Most Painfully Terrible Lines of the Episode:

Alice: “Tina, there’s nothing wrong with meeting someone on the Internet.”
Tina: “It’s weird!”
Shane: “It’s less random than a blind date, and you can find out all about the girl before you waste your time having lunch with her.”
Jodi: “That makes total sense. Mind if I join you?’

Okay, so basically what happens next is literally a commercial for OurChart . I couldn’t handle it then and I can’t now. Seriously I don’t even want to talk about it, just look at it, okay ? OurChart, you can meet people there, I’ve written some articles for them and also read some really fantastic writing there, it’s the way that we live, you’re on it, gay people are everyday people. You know, they’ve got some great content here and there, they should stop ruining it by talking about it all the time like this on the show. Um, on my OurChart profile, my occupation is “crack dealer,” but so far no requests. I’m just throwin’ it out there. (JK! Totes have never seen crack, etc.) (Totes do not have an occupation, just a lot of feelings.)

I’m going to Kentucky Fried Chicken right now, getting some mashed potatoes, giving them to a homeless person, and taking the sporks and then sticking them in my eyes. Like Oedipus. IC, you were like a mother to me, and now you are betraying me just when I needed you the most.

Since watching this scene, I’ve run myself over, brought myself back to life, re-animated myself, and run myself over again. Somehow, after all that, I’m still here.


 


I Love The Smell of Homophobia in the Morning : Tasha’s getting kicked out of the army for homosexual conduct, and the Asshat’s been assigned to her case. This’d be a great opp for him to step forth like a triumphant man from a John Grisham novel and rip the army a new asshole, but instead he’s just going to be an asshole. He tells Tasha that she’s been seen with a group of openly lesbian women at the racetrack (yes, let’s take a moment to blame Rothberg) and in a parking lot having a lovers’ quarrel. Then he brings up stuff about her and Martinez — stuff she says she didn’t do. Wanna know all about don’t ask don’t tell? Check It. I’m glad they’re doing this story, honestly, I think it’s one of the best parts of the episode, even if it gets a little heavy-handed.

Haviland: “He’s telling! I thought it was don’t ask don’t tell! But he’s telling and asking!”


 


Get it? The “Miracle” Worker?: Alice and Jodi are talking about how sexy sign language is. I mean, I don’t know. Again, couldn’t sit through this scene. Sorry, but check it. Jodi says she’d never be in a lesbian bed death relationship. Why does Alice keep interviewing people she’s had sex with or who’ve had sex with people she’s had sex with? Oh yeah, OurChart.

So That’s What the Thinker is Thinking : Shane’s very supportive and is acting kinda weird. I guess it’s ’cause she hasn’t had sex. Except she’s laughing at jokes that aren’t funny. Why has everyone on this show already changed personalities and Grace hasn’t even changed her shirt?


 


And Also, He Smells Like Soup: Tasha is arguing her case to the asshat. It’s not working too well, but then she’s like “everyone else fucked up even badder than I did.” She points out that unlike the lazy Mallrats in her unit, she actually scored high on the hoo-ha, passed major qualifications, and basically all around is the best soldier of all time. None of that matters, however, because unlike 95% of the army and the people who finance it, she’s having erotic thoughts about other women. This is very threatening to the American way, obvs, because now she’s gonna be really unimpressed when she gets sexually assaulted by her fellow men. The asshat is hoping the girl out there in the parking lot (re: lovers’ quarrel) would be her first cousin but we don’t because that’d be gross, then it’d be like, flowers in the attic or whatever. There is no crying in baseball, Tasha, seriously. She has a significant quote, it’s very powerful, I’m moved. I almost want to join the army but not really. I’m not an army of one, I’m very codependent, just ask Haviland.

The Asshat says that Tasha should’ve thought of all these things before she decided to become a lesbian. Interesting choice of words, Lieutenant Dan, I hate you.

Tasha: “I never decided to become a lesbian. But I decided to join the service.”


(Holla)

She graduated with honors from ROTC and has a V for Vagina I mean Valor. You go girl, etc.


 


I’m Willing to Bet Max’s Podcast Might Actually be More Interesting Than Alice’s : Things get worse ’cause Max asks Alice to look at the podcast he made and Alice doesn’t want to and it hurts Max’s feelings. Why is IC making Alice act like such a weirdo all the time? We love Alice, she’s our favorite, make it stop. I’m actually caring about Max right now. Why did he and Grace break up? Why’s she still in Western Wear?


 


My Favorite Part of My Dream Car the Lexus RX350 is that it has No Blind Spot: Jodi keeps trying to run Bette off the road, this scene is weird, I feel like it’s Seinfeld meets Hitchcock. Actually, it’s just that Jodi keeps talking and Bette thinks that she’s gonna crash ’cause Jodi talks with her hands like the Italians. When I was 15 and learning to drive, my Mom used to act like this — pressing her foot to an imaginary break, on edge. Jodi’s talking about her cool friends. Why isn’t Bette driving so Jodi can talk? I doubt she’s been drinking.

Haviland: “This is to prove that deaf people can drive.”
Riese: “Always a message to the madness.”


 


When I Get Out for Good Behavior I’ll Be Singing Love Songs : Alice is coming home to Tasha, who’s not happy ’cause things didn’t go so well earlier, as you may remember. Alice says the army doesn’t know who they’re dealing with, and Tasha’s like seriously, you cannot OurChart your way out of this one. But Alice won’t take no for an answer, she won’t back down, she asks: “Do you need me to disappear for a while? Do you need me to leave you alone?” Tasha says that’s not what she wants. “I can do that,” Alice says. “I know it’s late in the game, but I can do that. I can be really on the DL, really discreet, like a non-existent girlfriend.” Aw. But Tasha la-la-loves her, she’ll stick around. They’ve got so much in common, like they both like girls.


Are You Afraid of the Dark? Jodi and Bette are getting to the house at Big Bear ’cause they stopped to “eat” and Bette’s sad she won’t get to meet Jodi’s awesome pals right away. Jodi is excited to have Bette all to herself tonight. We’re less excited, as we’d prefer to have Bette to ourselves, or perhaps at the mercy of another less attractive character.


Where In the World is Dusty Sandiego? : Helena and Dusty are looking at at a map, it’s a puzzle map, it’s like that Facebook application, “Where have you been?” Something about a flower-shaped island that tastes like vanilla. It’s a piece of paradise she says … this sounds sexual. Maybe I’m just not paying attention. This is the worst recap I’ve ever written, but also the worst episode I’ve ever seen. Helena really looks nice in orange. Then my favorite character Peggy Peabody arrives, you know this ’cause the guard says she’s got friends in high places, which means it’s either G-d or Peggy, and I doubt Ilene’s getting blessed for this sucker.

This Ain’t Kid’s Cuisine, Mfers: Peggy rocks the catwalk — this is clearly where Lez Girls shine most of all: jail. Some woman goes, “Hey, let me eat your pussy.” Peggy shoots back that were she subject to such a proposition, she’d first have to submit the convict to a “full booty check” and were she to “past muster,” then Peggy’d give it to her “family style.” Hav thinks this refers to like family style portions. Like eating out. Family style. I’m not really sure what it means. Hav says Peggy would never say something like that. Fair enough.

Dark You Can’t Come Soon Enough For Me : Helena’s like “where’ve you been?” and Peggy says she’s been on a terrific vacation, which’s pretty much the worst thing ever to say to someone who’s been sitting in jail waiting on your arrival. Helena snaps: “I don’t have much time for this.” She’s got lots of puzzles to finish and them puzzles aren’t gonna de-puzzle themselves. Peggy says it’s clear that Helena’s learned her lesson, her bail’ll be posted, and she’s looking to getting Helena’s record expunged. Helena doesn’t want that. Peggy’s shocked, and accounts Helena’s “semi-literate” behavior to the fact that she’s been keeping “sordid company.” Helena says that she’s in fact been keeping “very fine company.” In her vagina.

Helena: “I’m quite happy to finish my time and pay my debt to society.”
Peggy: “For God’s sake, pull yourself together. Peabodys don’t have debts, darling, not to anyone. And certainly not to society.”

OOO snap.


 


I Was the Best I Ever Was With You People : This is starting to feel like a bad 80’s movie you pick up at Blockbuster ’cause someone like Ione Skye or John Cusack is in it — then you get it home, pop it in, and after about ten minutes start wondering: this is really boring, is anything happening? They’re trying to cajole Bette into participating in the Big Bear tradition of a morning mojito. Unfortunately, Bette doesn’t drink much. Howevs, much like Haviland — who doesn’t drink at all — she’d probs find us much less annoying if she were drunk, which’s probs why all these Big Bear buddies are toking away (to find each other less annoying). See, here Alex is using a similar strategy:

The Big Chill Bear Club is thrilled to finally meet the famous Bette. Between their emoting, their emotions, and the sign language, there is just a lot going on, and Bette’s understandably overwhelmed. Then they really crack out the Awkward when a friend comments that it’s nice to put a face to “those grunts and groans.” Yeah, that’s right, they’re totally talking about last night.

“You girls got in late, but you weren’t so tired,” they kid. Bette’s uncomfortable but Jodi’s probs confused, she didn’t hear any grunts and groans. JK, she’s into it. Bette excuses herself because she forgot something (her mind). That’s when I’d run into the other room and call Haviland. I’d be like: “Last night Steve and I spent an hour in front of the fire holding hands.” Oh whoops, I’m quoting Sex and the City again.


 


Stop the Insanity: Shane’s still at the gym, I hope this is a marathon for a good cause. She’s telling Tina that she’s put in the claim for the fire, gotten rid of all her low-riding jeans, and is planning on quitting smoking and setting goals like visiting Shay. She says the celibacy thing is like a master cleanse. (Check It) Tina mentions she’s gone long periods of time without sex, and it didn’t have a “salubrious” effect on her. Shane adds that she’s trying to expand her vocabulary. Tina’s going on a date tonight and doesn’t know what to wear on a date with a heart doctor. Um, do you dress differently depending on what your date’s medical specialty is? Not like I’d ever date a doctor.


 


My Doctor Told Me To Avoid Any Activities Where Balls Fly at My Face : Bette’s trying to do work while Jodi’s friends yell at her about not playing touch football. One of ’em trots on over with his opinion to tell her they call the house the Sistine Chapel, and p.s., it’s in violation to work on Big Bear weekends. Bette’s like “Well, I guess I’ll just have to take the infraction and whatever the punishment is.” I love Bette. We’ve decided our entire lives will change for the better if Bette could just get hit in the face like Marcia Brady by the football. Not ’cause we don’t love Bette, but ’cause it’d be awesome. Then the Biggest Douchebag trots over (socks and plaid shorts and a ponytail = never a good sign), we call him Sir Lancelot. He says she’s gotta play. She refuses. He proceeds to lift her up, carry her to the water, and drop her in:

20_ladyofthelake

Bette: this is your cue to break up with Jodi. My friends would never do that to my girlfriend, but also, my friends would never make me go camping for a weekend let alone bring my girlfriend who obviously does her hair and wears nice slacks and has work to do. We all feel collectively horrified and upset for Bette.


Live Nature Love!: Shane is meditating in a Free City shirt, I heart Free City. She’s distracted by the noises of Jenny and Max. Max asks Jenny to listen to his podcast, but she’s gotta go out to a screening and bumps into Shane, who’s now in warrior pose. How do people do this? Shane wonders. They don’t. She should try masturbating, no drama. But actually Shane’s being really funny.

Max: I made a podcast. and I haven’t shown it to Alice yet, and I’m just really looking for someone’s opinion.
Shane: I can tell you my opinion if you want it! (jumps up and down like she’s on speed)
Max: (humble & cute) Really?
Shane: (eager and energetic, like she’s on speed): You want my opinion?
Max: (aw) Sure!
Shane: Well, great, my head is fine, I haven’t dealt with any bullshit or drama, so what do I do? Press play?

Aw, I hope she likes Max’s podcast. Maybe they’ll become besties now.


 

Haviland is on her Blackberry. Where is the Lady of the Lake? Oh, that was Bette. I would eat a waffle now, just to have something to do and syrup however you’d like to pronounce it.


I Got So City Girl On You: Bette comes downstairs like she’s heading into the lion’s den — ’cause she kinda is. Sir Lancelot says “Hey Bette, why don’t you start the rue.” Bette responds, brilliantly: “I haven’t the fainest idea how to make a rue.” I actually cook a lot and also don’t know how to make a rue, but apparently Alex does, she seems to be talking about it right now.

Sir Lancelot then asks Bette what she’s doing to produce equanimity in today’s overpriced art market, which’s Jodi’s cue to say, “Stop it, you’re being an asshole.” Instead she’s like, “doo doo doo I love rue.” Bette handles the whole situation with characteristic finesse, per always, though you can see the hot fires of anger burning her beautiful face. Lancelot wants to tell Bette about the fantastic community art show he curated that’s probs got better stuff in it than the Eric Fishelbone she’s got in her collection. “I doubt there were even ten paintings at your local art show that were comparable,” she says, icy, and he asks how she could doubt it when she’s probably not seen any art outside of NYC and LA ever. She looks at Jodi for support, but Jodi declines her, and so she offers: “I haven’t seen a community art show in a really long time, and I’d love to see some of the pieces that you’re so excited about.” She’s either lying through her teeth or seeing how far Jodi’ll let her stoop before she butts in. Apparently, there are no limits to Jodi’s unworthiness. Lancelot says Bette rocks his world and does some awkward hand gestures. He’s being a douchebag, but I’ve totally known people like this, IC is pretty spot-on in this scene.

In case everyone’s forgotten what great art looks like, let me remind you:


 


Doesn’t She Look Like The Girl From Sweet Valley High?: Speaking of great art! Tina and her date have finished dinner at The Planet II and have returned to Heart Doctor’s chateau for a little chat ‘n chew. Tina’s impressed by her date’s art collection and surprised because it WASN’T ON HER PROFILE. That’s how people feel when they meet me and discover I’m not on crack and though I claim to not like insane girls, I’m a bit off myself. It’s all about selective sharing, Ti-ti. “I’m sure it doesn’t compare to your ex’s collection,” the girl says. Tina apologizes for talking so much about Bette, and the girl says it’s okay, let’s have some wine. Right-o.


 


She Needs the Itty Bitty Titty Committee STAT: Kit’s putting all her hard-earned cash in an envelope. That’s convenient, because if hypothetically someone were to hold her up and say he’d take all that money, he could just snag it all right then and there without any messin’ around with emptying shit. Also, what is she wearing? Just a sidenote.

Haviland: “She should get up and be like FREEZE MUTHERFUCKER!”
Alex: “Nanny-fucking motherfucker!”


 


Lesbian Sexy Moment #9: Hunngry Hearts

The Players: Tina and The Girl from Sweet Valley High

The Pick Up: “Augmented.” (re: the girls’ boobs) Funny, I was thinking we’d gloss over that. Nice.

Hot or Not: Wtf is going on? I feel like we’re watching lesbian soft core porn. And by “lesbian” I mean porn made for straight males. Tina’s touching that girl’s boobs like she’s never seen bare breasts before in her life. The music is like unbearable. She asks Tina to “spread her legs open” and asks Tina if she likes it when she talks dirty. Tina responds by kissing her. I’d respond by saying, “When are you going to start talking dirty?” or else kissing her, which is code for “shut the fuck up.” Also, IC, if you think this is talking dirty, I’m really sad for you, seriously, let’s do lunch. “Lunch.”

Missed Redemption Opp: If Elizaicca had whipped out a whip and chains and been like “What’s my name, bitch?! Say my name!” and then made Tina get on all fours, that would’ve been funny.


 


You Pack Your Bags You Say I Love You But I Cannot Stay: Bette, cruisin’
along in my dream car, pulls up to where Sir Lancelot and the Knights of the Douchetard Table are playing touch football by the beach … again. They just can’t get enough of touch football, who are these people, lesbians? I can’t believe Bette’s lasted this long, I think LL Bean costumed this scene, it’s my worst nightmare. She says her sister’s been held up at gunpoint and she wants to get back before Kit has a drink. Lancelot’s like, let her have a drink, she’s just had a gun in her face, and Bette’s like, actually, she’s an alcoholic, bad call. (Note to bette: good call.) Bette tells Jodi she’s already packed her suitcase and Lancelot says if she wants to stay, he’ll drive her back. He actually asks her if Bette made it up about her sister just ’cause she was having such a lousy time.

Quote of the Week: “I just made up that my sister was robbed at gunpoint to get out of bowling? Why would I ever wanna give up the opportunity to wear smelly used shoes, drink warm domestic beer, and kick your ass?” (Bette)

 


Thought the Signals Would Scare Your Wolves Away: Kit’s sleeping on the couch. How’d she get in there to begin with? Did she BREAK IN? Two wrongs don’t make a right, Kit-tastic. I wonder where she lives, actually, I dunno. She tells Bette they took her whole week. When she wakes up her back’s gonna hurt and then she’s gonna have all kinds of new problems. I’ve slept on a lot of couches in my day, I’m the expert. Bette looks back like she wants to help, but Jodi says she’ll be okay. She still wants Bette to herself.


 

Then they do this weird musical sequence with more bad music, where they pan to show Alice and Tasha in bed. Alice is stroking Tasha’s hair. I bet Leisha rolled her eyes when she got these daysides. Tasha says, “they’ve taken my whole fucking life away from me.” That’s not true, you’re dating Alice. Although I’d also be sad if my best friend Papi had disappeared without explanation.


 

They’re having a “party” back at the Planet. They’ve called craft services, there are a variety of small palm-sized foods and appropriate dips. Everyone’s acting really weird, telling Kit they’re glad she’s okay. Helena wants to tell everyone goodbye before she leaves.


Lesbian Squabble #8: Don’t Think I’ll Confess, Why Would I Confess That I
In the Ring: Pretty much everyone.
Content: Peggy’s taking Helena to Europe and these peons don’t know what’s best for her. Bette doesn’t think she should leave the country before her trial, but Peggy says they’ve got a great lawyer. I can’t get over how random this assemblage of persons is. Hey, hey, the cast’s all here, except Phyllis, mysteriously absent from this episode. Peggy says they’ll be recovering in their country house, far away from the dangerous LA lesbian community. She actually says “At least Paris didn’t get involved with some big butch prison daddy dyke when she was in the clinker.” She asks if everyone’s heard about this Dusty person. Kit has:


“Dusty? GIRRRRRRLLL good for you.”

Helena explains that it wasn’t for protection. Dusty’s one of the best enlightened, beautiful woman she’s ever known. That’s really good luck w/r/t roommates, that kinda stuff never happens to me. Peggy says that she wants an adult beverage.

“Our family doesn’t go to court, we go to Europe.”
(Peggy)


My Sick Guilt is So Unwelcome: Helena runs out to have a cigarette. Alice tries to stop her and Helena tells Alice that she’s been a really good friend. This is so weird, they’d never react like that, so nonchalantly. Actually … we know this from experience, fo’reals. I hope Rachel Shelley’s not leaving the show. Shane the Yogi is already outside mid-puff.

Redemption Opportunity: Shane and Helena could get it onnnn right now.

It Feels Like It’s All Possible Now: Helena tells Shane that she’s leaving and asks Shane to cover for her. Then Uh Huh Her starts playing. I love Uh Huh Her. Yay! I can just close my eyes and pretend I’m not here, but at the Uh Huh Her concert with Carly and Haviland and Heather and it’s August, I think, Cait’s got a picture with Carly and I in the background: there we are, my head’s cocked to one side, Carly’s looking ahead, we’re thinking deep thoughts. Or the Uh Huh Her concert in December w/Alex, where I ran into a random reader who happened to be friends with her random friends and it was like, oh, everyone knows everyone. We waited in a lot of lines and still smiled the whole time. Onstage, Leisha sang with another pretty girl. Everyone wondered if Dani would win Tila Tequila.

And then Shane kisses Helena ’cause she’s all wound up. Helena’s shocked, of course, and British. Shane says “I didn’t mean that.” (I wanna touch you slowly.) Shane says that she’s on a cleanse and she hates it. (I’m a lonely girl, come on). Helena says it’s all good but she has to go. (Don’t walk away, just stay right here.) Then, she goes.

Hopefully Shane’ll be having sex next episode. I got a little bored and started playing with Photostudio. You know you’re annoyed with an episode when you don’t even have the energy to open Photoshop proper and are just fucking around with the two-dollar shared software package that came with your 19th century printer.

I think the self-defense class stuff from next episode looks cute. Chin up, kiddos! We can make it through the rain … we’re outta here. Next week on time, I promise.

Carly’s opinion: Yeah the bette in the woods shit was terrible, I dont like jodi, max is infuriating, shane will not last, WTF Helena!? Still love alice, jenny was kinda amusing almost, love peggy peabody!!! Love how kit was totally fine the next day, nice writing there ilene (she wrote this one right?). We shot our pitch on the same camera! Thought tina’s date was hot until sex then wanted to kill myself. Why did Joe from “brothers and sisters” throw bette into the lake? Can she just get back together with tina already? Oh and eff the military altogether. Still loved the campiness of the charlies angels thing. It was immediately downhill from there. Sigh.


The Round-Up:
Lesbian Sexy Moments: One this Episode, 9 Altogether
Lesbian Squabbles: 2 this episode, 8 altogether
Quote of the Week: Bette
Really Papi Really Award: Alice/Jodi/Shane
On a Scale of One to Ten: MAJOR SUCK


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Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City and mellowed out in California before returning to Michigan for reasons that are unclear to her now. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2344 articles for us.

22 Comments

  1. 0

    I was so completely duped by the preview by IC making her Day-Queeries (on Our Chart). Thought this episode would be hot! Thanks, Riese, the recap completely made up for the crappy epi. Hey, IC…oh, never mind!

  2. 0

    -My Doctor Told Me To Avoid Any Activities Where Balls Fly at my Face
    – There goes her social life.

    Bev’s Angels was certainly the highlight of the ep. All down hill from there.
    It did end on a good note with the UHH. Seriously, why did it take us 7 years to get a drink?

  3. 0

    Ya know…Bette does drink. She doesn’t drink crap like Mohitos or whatever the hell that was they were drinking in the cabin. She does drink wine and Dos Equis (but who on that show doesn’t besides Kit?). Maybe after this episode she may start drinking Mohitos or whatever they are. Lots of them. I might join her.

  4. 0

    Helena also smokes like I did the first time I did it.

    I was pissed off earlier because I couldn’t read your re-cap from the hospital, so I’m glad I’m home and not in surgery now, your re-caps beat surgery anyday. F’real.

  5. 0

    The OurChart thing was so lame…and I really hope they’re not getting rid of Helena, she’s too damn hot to leave the show.

    I hope they make more Charlie’s Anfels parodies…or other shows parodies, like it could be the start for every episode…ok that sounds like my dream now hahahahaha.

    You’re always funny dear Riese, don’t worry about that…but yes, all the bad things in this world are IC’s fault 😛

    P.S. I came out to my family last night, they were really sweet and supportive 😀

  6. 0

    congrats, edilma!!

    riese, i agree: you’re always fun. no worries. remember that the more annoying the episode, the funnier you can be. do not worry.

    several issues:

    -if shane keeps on working out 7 hours a day and not eating, they’ll have to hospitalize her

    -i did not get who drove that truck to the planet, and gave then the keys to helena so that she can fly with her prison roomate

    -how is helena gonna take her out from prison? where did she hide the money?

    -peggy peabody was wierd. she is usually more fun

    -jodi is really annoying, i don’t like her and she is not hot. bette should be fucking young ladies in new york again. joe of brothers and sisters did great acting despite the annoyingness

    – i want papi back

    -i am happy tina is having sex again. too bad she had to deal with augmented boops. they looked totally unattractive

    thanks again, riese.

    L

  7. 0

    The only thing that could possibly be more boring than this ep is if Bette got back together with Tina. Could Bette be more cold and uptight? She has absolutely no curiosity about her new lover’s friends or anything else about her. She just wants a Make Your Own GF kit, but agree with you that drinking pond scum cocktails in the morning is gross. This relationship is doomed because Bette is a cunt and totally deserved being thrown in the lake; I just didn’t enjoy it enough because it looked like a cold day and that really was a mean thing to do to someone so clearly enjoying the self righteous conceit of her middle age. Jodi should just get together with Tina and that way all hell would break loose in Hell World fandom and the annoying fans who pump Ilene up as their God would self-destruct along with all remaining motivation for this show because Ilene clearly hasn’t a clue where these characters should go next.

    And if Helena leaves just when she found her balls, the rest of us are doomed. Mama Peobody is right, we’re not going to get anywhere hanging with this LA lesbian lifestyle because it is so shallow and full of itself.

    Best line was yours “I love the smell of homophobia in the morning.” Snort.

  8. 0

    Well, while you were doing that….

    I, being of impeccably sound reasoning, have been plotting the quality of each episode against the quantity and rotation of (sun)glasses employed during the recap viewing party.

    HUGE correlation.

    Keep that in mind, because at this point, there is no direct evidence that the eyewear is the dependent variable.

    Yes, I am sober.

  9. 0

    Was that Charlie’s Angel’s thing the winner of the fan fiction contest? Really Papi? Not that it wasn’t fun, when the gay-dar gun pointed at Jenny my wife shrieked “I hope it says Cunt!” We had to pause for general hysteria. How very like IC to pick a fan written scene that had no dialog so we all couldn’t compare it to her CRAP-ASS give and take.

    1. Jodi’s friends sucked, Bette’s attitude about the whole thing sucked but Jodi’s friends sucked harder. Bette should’ve kicked that Mickey-angelo dude in the nuts.

    2. There are art-collecting heart surgeons on Our Chart? With fake boobs? Great pants/slacks on Tina tho.

    3. Rose Rollins needs an award. A major award. A leg lamp type award. Yeah, she’s awesome.

    4. AK, you are so fucking right on about Jodi/Tina! THAT is how we live for christ’s sake!

    5. So glad to see hot b.j.-girl back

    5. I don’t drink either, Haviland. For those who do, lemme tell ya, the L word is even LESS intelligible sober, especially this ep.

    Cruz

  10. 0

    Totally agreed about the unsettling OutChart commercial which was this epsiode of The L … did you notice that it was also the WORST commercial for OurChart ever? Those profiles they were perusing, were full of SICK old, dreaded Lesbos … oh yeah … I think it was actually Elizabeth Ziff of Betty. Like, I’m not happy about this show becoming an OurChart-fest, but if it insists on being one, why can’t they show some hotties on the profiles?

    So not cool Chaiken.

  11. 0

    Why I have to drink while watching the L Word:

    – Jodi
    – Bette when she is with Jodi
    – Anything involving Jenny
    – Max explanation of “technical things” (The Panasonic DVX blah, blah blah…)
    – PSA’s for Our Chart
    – Ugly “augmentations”
    – Characters named after Ninja Turtles
    – Ooooo I only have 5 minutes left to wrap up this episode so everyone …to the Planet!!
    – 4 words: Written by Ilene Chaiken

    What keeps me coming back:

    – Alice’s hair in the opening scene
    – Shane’s mouth
    – Alice
    – Shane
    – Bette w/o Jodi
    – Gaydar Guns
    – Learning how to sign “sex phrases”
    – The hope that Carmen will someday return
    – The opening theme song
    – Learning how to “talk dirty” – poorly

  12. 0

    Riese, you are hilarious and I look forward to your recaps.
    In re Lesbian sexy moment #9 you make a great point by noting that the scene reminded you of porn made for straight males. The biggest complaint I have about the L word is that it is written with the straight male capitalist patriarchal hegemony (using Bell hooks terminology) in mind.
    The 70s generation had Charlie’s Angeles to allow women to feel mediocre. We have the L Word (and countless others).

  13. 0

    -thank you for the clueless quote-complete

    -fixed the bette/drinkng thing … you’re totally right. how did i miss that? I think I associate bette with haviland so much that they’ve become the same person.

    -Who IS watching Angelica?

    -This show could be completely redeemed if it turns out Papi’s just been busy playing manny

    edilma: congratulations on coming out!

    -I think Helena hid the money up her hoo-ha like Catherine taught her to do, remember that sex scene?

    AK: You’re right that Bette’s being a bit uptight, sort of control freakish, and etc. I think probs our affections are with her sort of unconditionally as we’ve loved her from all time and Jodi’s a newbie. Still though I think Jodi’s friends were assholes and Jodi should’ve at least made accomidations for the fact that bette didn’t like any of those things and tried to make her feel somewhat comfortable, that’s compromise. I don’t really like Bette with Tina either, I don’t know really who I like her with, I think maybe that senator she didn’t kiss that one time? Tina’s sort of coming into her shell this season. I agree though, clearly Ilene hasn’t a clue, I feel like she tries to direct the plot every time that she writes an ep, and she just fails.

    “If helena leaves just when she found her balls, the rest of us are doomed.” = agree.

    -I can promise the sunglasses will get better and better.

    -“I hope it says Cunt” = brill

    afterportia: What’s still amazing is that I freaked out so much about the fact that they were basically doing an OurChart commercial that I’m not lying when I say I fast forwarded through that whole thing — with the profiles and everything. They should’ve had some girl with a backwards hat and an incorrectly spelled headline like “I lovez to eat puzzzy” or something, that’s our chart.

    -I also fast-forwarded through Max’s explanation of the video camera though it pained Carly.

    -I think this show could use some more awareness of Bell Hooks terminology, though I’m probs in the minority. Obvs I think feminist theory should be a part of every teevee show (seriously).

  14. 0

    Who knew that the day would come that we would look back at waterfalls and carnivals and ghosts and think “wow, that wasn’t so bad after all”. Dear god!
    Ilene, how low CAN you go, woman??
    The only thing that makes this SUCKiness bearable is you Riese! For f*ck’s sake why doesn’t she call you already??

    KAY

  15. 0

    oh my god, Max talking about the fucking camera and explaining how FIREWIRE works, I thought I was going to die. Was there really NO OTHER CONVERSATION he could’ve had w/ the Tom-lator (get it? Tom the Translator? Ha “trans” could be funny too. Are these not funny? Hm) that would have allowed them to flirt awkwardly? After discussing it at work today we have decided it was one of the worst episodes ever, of all time.

  16. 0

    What’s with Daniela Sea’s voice whenever Max talks about something technical?

    That’s … really all I have to say about this episode. Which is sad.

    P.S. Oh man, can we briefly talk about Shane’s awesome drawl in the Bev’s Angels scene? Too good.

  17. 0

    family style = either a) a prison term for missionary position sodomy or b) something really really good.

  18. 0

    I was really hoping that when Jodi would tell Bette to stop being such an idiot baby face. Yeah ok idiot baby face isnt’ exactly what she is, but she does have a big stick up her ass. I can’t wait for the scene when Jodi tells Bette how much she hates her. Regardless Bette still manages to be really ridiculously hot!

  19. 0

    Love your recaps. Rue = Roux – it’s a base for soup – often used in gumbo. You mix flour and butter equally in a cast iron skillet over med. heat until it turns caramel brown. Then you add veggies and your gumbo is begun. Whenever ordering gumbo, ask if it was made with a roux. If it wasn’t, don’t order it b/c that means it’s not real Gumbo.

    Keep up the great writing.

    Greengrassblueskies

  20. 0

    Ah the senator. We can enjoy her alpha presence on Desperate Housewives where we’re supposed to hate the women because that’s the guilty pleasure of it—so we can enjoy the desperate lengths these women will go to to get what they want. The tragedy of Ilene’s direction is that soon we’ll hate these characters we once loved and not care who they end up with. And yeah, Bette picking up young things in New York. Now that was hot, which is why she should stay single. That would be her enduring character flaw: success in all but love. Plenty of that happening in the way that we live.

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