The L Word Season Five PROMO Recap.

Some kind of wonderful anonymous has just informed me that The L Word‘s Season Five promo has dropped. It has now Landed in my Lap, as one might say, if one preferred L words. Normally, I wouldn’t click to it immediately and then recap it within 10 minutes of viewing, but I’m … hm. No excuses. I’m just Lame. The L word is “Lame.” Not lame with an accent on the “e” [which I clearly don’t know how to do on blogger anyhow], like “Alice’s gold lame dress,” but lame without an accent, like “wearing Haviland’s red sweatpants, skin sallow from lack of sunlight, eating yogurt with Kashi, writing the same book I said I was gonna write 18 months ago and reading notes from junior high to assist me in the writing process” Lame. “Just shared that with you” Lame.

I love this show. I’m attracted to it like I’m attracted to frappuccinos. I know there’s nothing redeeming in there, but I do love the sugary syrup. I can’t wait for Season Five! It looks delicious! SERIOUSLY/SRSLY!

Though there’s not a single bone in my smokin’ hot body that isn’t dreading the fifth season and its corresponding upcoming winter of Manic Mondays, I’ve gotta say, this promo did ignite visceral reactions from most of my central nervous system, including goosebumps, watering of the eyes, and a little tingle in my spine. Or somewhere. Wherever tingles originate from for people who still have relatively normal emotional reactions to the world around them. If you’re one of those people, feel free to share your feelings with me, I’m curious what it feels like for a girl …


Seriously, You Had Ten Months To Take Care of That Facial Hair Disaster. Why. Why?!!

Sorry, I just needed to get that out there ASAP.

Anyhow, we all know that foreplay’s what this show does best. Like a twatilicious lover, The L Word relishes in getting us all riled up and subsequently leaving us alone and naked on the couch with a lukewarm Dos Equis and tears in our eyes. “High and dry” I believe it’s called. Also, sidenote, I just accidentally watched this advertisement for Unforgiveable Woman, the new fragrance from Sean John, and also my nickname for IC, and it was gross and weird, and made me feel gross. Let me watch this promo again.

Is YouTube international? Like, if you live in the UK or Australia or something, can you watch the same things on YouTube that Americans can? Yes, right? I got confused during the South of Nowhere thing.

Anyhow, what was I talking about? Right. The L Word, my old friend. Um: I love this show, it’s the best show on television. I mean, worst, but also, BEST.

And, re: this show, I wanna put this out there on the first date for y’all: I like to live in a SPOILER FREE WORLD, so don’t gimme any spoilers, I’ll get cranky. Anyone who gives me a spoiler is going straight to hell. I’m serious. I know people who know people/People. I’m scared that I’ll already spoil the show for myself by watching promos. “Ruin the show.” I’ve gotta save some for December, when I’m stuck in Michigan. Actually, that might happen sooner rather than later. I’m over this town.

I believe Ani DiFranco once said [yes, I am totally about to quote Ani DiFranco, because, well, any of you who’ve been following this blog or auto-win in the off-season are aware I’ve got very little left to “lose” in terms of general overall Lame-i-tude, so to speak, so why not just like, totes quote Ani DiFranco from memory? Awesome]: “I just want you to live up to the image of you I create, I see you and I’m so unsatisfied, I see you and I dialate.” Simmer on that.


Look Me In the Eyes And Tell Me You Don’t Find Me Attractive, Even Though I’m Crazy, It’s Like, Fun Crazy Right?

Jenny’s hanging out with this Random Hot Girl in a fantasy land where all the girls wear white bikinis. Maybe it’s the White Party. But Jenny’s not wearing white. Back to theory number one: fantasy land. Otherwise known as TeeVee. OO! Maybe it’s heaven, because Jenny was in that Suicide Raft at the end of the season. Anyhow she asks ‘Do you wanna be in my movie?’ and the girl’s like “more than anything.” I hope Jenny’s next line is: “Eat me.” Or something. Or like something good. I dunno. I shouldn’t have to come up with these lines, clearly I haven’t been invited to join the writing staff of this show. YET.


I Miss You Now, I Guess Like I Shoulda Missed You Then

Tina asks Bette: “Are you in love with Jodi?” Dude, a woman doesn’t drive a tractor out into a field with a big sign on her tractor unless she loves her. Or whatever it was that happened during the finale. Wow, I was really drunk that night. Eight Reasons Why hoo-ha-bla-di-bla. Team Bettina, totes.


Fun With Disabilities

Dude, I’m pretty sure it’s not going there, but this would be a hilarious sex scene. Like, Bette’s got a blindfold on, so she’s totes blind, and Jodi’s already deaf. Bette’s gonna be like “Harder harder!” and Jodi’ll be all like “whaaa?” And Jodi will be signing “Harder harder!” and Bette will be like “ladiddai.” Someone’s gonna get pregnant from this, like Miranda and Steve in SATC.


Encircle Me, I Need To Be Taken Down

I don’t know what Helena’s going to prison for — oh wait. I do. Stealing money from that anorexic lady in the purple suits who stuck all that money up Helena’s vagina, probs giving her SARS, Herpes, and anthrax all at once. Whatever. I love it when hot lesbians go to prison. It’s just like in my favorite movie, well, I saw it on the internet … nm.


And I Would Go to Jail With Only Boys Just to Prove I Was as Tough As You

I love that they wear boyshorts and wifebeaters in prison. Honestly, I love that. Go prison. Makes me want to go rob someone just so I can hang out there. Actually, if I was going to pick a crime, it’d be a more fun one, like drugs or protesting something or being Robin Hood or Winona Ryder.


Tell Me What To
Do and Baby, I Will Listen

I, personally, think Alice deserves a little more sunshine in her life. She’s sad ’cause her baby’s left on a jet plane and gone to war in Iraq. Probs by the time Season 5 starts, this’ll be totes outdated because Bush will have pulled out the troops. Ha ha! Also, this show is going to have a sex scene every five minutes, and um, gay marriage is legal, and Rosie is on The View again, and hell just froze over, releasing all the people who give spoilers. [I’ve not actually received any spoilers, I’m just practicing disaster prepardness.]


Say So, You Want To

Either Alice gets bangs, or that’s not Alice. I hope Alice gets bangs. Or that could just be a bad shot. That’s Alice’s house, right? I love Alice. I met Leisha Hailey, she was beautiful.


When Manguses Attack

This is what happens if you reject Papi, because she’s hard core with her girls flippin’ out g-style on the b-ball court, word up, holla, peace. Kit Kat.


No, You Haven’t Missed a Thing

This boy is cute. Yeah? He’s cute. That’s Max/Moira there next to cutie. Her head’s turned so you can’t see that chin thing. That’s nice. I hope nice things happen for her this season, she’s pretty when she’s not talking, nice eyes, that one. What am I talking about? This show is weird.


A Verse Chorus And Such

That’s like, one of five girls that Shane interacts with in the promo. Also, I feel like they’re trying to trick us into thinking that Shane’s gonna have a convo with Paige, there’s some clever camerawork going on in this promo in many places. Or clever editing rather. Shane also asks these two girls “who’s first?” and they’re both very hot, there’s a lot of potential there, like with Cherie Jaffee getting the haircut. I let Haviland cut off all my hair, like, all of it.

This is nice, old people deserve love, and actresses over 45 deserve jobs. I’m serious about both of those things. Love these women. Cybill Shepard: Thumbs Up. Christy Cummings? I mean, Jane Lynch? Also, thumbs up. Way to go. Also, you know what’s even better, but in a way that feels less smart?


I’m home now and coming around, Coming Around
That girl’s totally still wearing her heels?!!! What is this, porn? I hope so.

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Riese is the 35-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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12 Comments

  1. Man, I swear that one minute recap is better than most post-season 1 L Word episodes out there! Maybe the Promo folks at Showtime should take over for IC.

    Thanks for the warm-up and I am absolutely looking forward to some season 5 automatic straddle jaded recap snark.

  2. Yes, you can watch YouTube from basically any country in the world. I am originally from Belarus, currently studying in Lithuania. YouTube is working here in Eastern Europe just fine.

  3. Oh Em Gee. I cannot wait. And they used Rachael Yamagata on the promo. That was probably the best thing about it. Apart from the nakedness.

    Also, that was quite possibly THE funniest thing I’ve ever read in my life.

  4. This promo looks soooo much better than any previous promo. i’m not saying it’s going to be the best season, but it can’t be any worse than last season. Also, lame-i-tude, my new favorite word.

  5. That is good to know about the international YouTube access.

    I think I’m going to make a glossary and I will put “lame-i-tude” in it. The definition: “overall adjective describing my daily activities, including making this glossary.”

    I feel like the nakedness was def. “up there” when it comes to highlights of this recap. I mean, honestly more Sex Moments than in the first episode of s4.

    [I’m kinda looking forward to some season 5 auto-straddle jaded recap snark too. I miss my girls. aw.]

  6. Helena couldn’t handle working at Shane’s hair salon/skate shop, how the eff is she gonna survive prison?!

    I’m glad that IC has come to terms with her need to explore what Martha Stewart’s tenure in white collar prison was like.

  7. plz don’t vacate the city! its my goal in life to bump into you on the subway and mumble “oh sorry” – then later be like – “WORD?! That was totally auto-win and I am a tool box for not saying ‘OMG – AUTOWIN- and totes and obvs the black girl and ARSON ARSON!'” (ok maybe not my goal in life – but def like this month)

    “He only has one ball and I have a lazy ovary. In what world does that create a baby? It’s like the special Olympics of conception!” ~ satc ~ (i totes saw her taping on 49th and lex the other day and was like “THATS THE GAY ONE!!” it was embarrassing)

    “I’m glad that IC has come to terms with her need to explore what Martha Stewart’s tenure in white collar prison was like”

    lmfao – i would love martha to be on the show as like a 3 some w/ phyllis and jane – “its a good thing” –

    jesus long post – feel free to give it the ax

  8. Bridget: 1. Thank you for citing that SATC reference, you Rock. As I said to Stef last night, I clearly cannot leave this city, how else would I hold L Word viewing parties to best enable superior recaps, which, Haviland, I am sickly looking forward to with uncanny anticipation and, mrs.malaprops I’m thinking that she’ll be handling the whole prison sitch by having sex with other prisoners which I guess she didn’t do too well in the skate shop. looks like she’s journaling or something, I don’t understand.

  9. Ok so I have now finally watched the promo and all I can say is …

    I CANNOT WAIT!!

    Sex! Snark! Yay!

    Also: I totes picked up on the tricky editing as well, those bastards!

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