This recap was originally published on Riese’s personal L Word recap blog, The Road Best Straddled, in 2007. It has been reposted on Autostraddle.com in all its messy, outdated, poorly formatted glory.
Tonight we went to the Premiere Party for the Info-mercial for “OurChart.com” (which I mentioned I was intensely excited about already), starring actresses Leisha Hailey, Mia Kirshner and Rachel Shelly. We were confused that the infomercial seemed to suggest it was more of a forum to organize the notches on one’s belt than for lesbians to honestly network with one another. I’m going to be optimistic that it’s really about the latter, because we shot some great pics of ourselves tonight that would be really good on our OurChart page. I can’t wait. Really, I can’t, I’ve been checking it about every ten seconds.
Sorry. I just had to mention that. I think it’s a good thing to say. And bang some furniture while you’re at it.
Also, they screened these little clips from “The L Word,” which is supposed to be about The Way That We Live. I know that because they didn’t change the opening song.
Our goal at the party was to get photographed for GoNYC Magazine or for Curve, and within 30 seconds of our entourage’s arrival (Me, Haviland, Sherri, Maggie, Natalie, Jessie, Annie, Lainy), dressed in red, as we pre-planned, we were totally photographed. The girl who photographed us had a nice rack.
I admit this event did make me very emotional and happy, just to see all of these gay women and allies in the same room with characters they could look to and cheer for and feel for and lust after, that there is a forum for these stories, even if they are stories as poorly told as 90210 told the stories of teenagers in high school. It’s still great, to be in that room, and to feel that energy. Precious Moments, y’all.
There were a lot of cute girls there though most of them were my friends or they had girlfriends or both. Anyhow going to lesbian events always makes me feel super gay (side note: seeing “Naked Boys Singing” also made me feel super gay).
“This is how much I love you guys. I’m like, rolling my eyes already.”
–Heather, who so gamely came over for the post-party viewing of the 10pm episode although the show, as it stands, is not necessarily her favorite.
Lesbian Squabble #1: Can You Hear Me Now?
In the Ring: Tina vs. Jenny, Alice, Helena, Max and Kit.
Content/Result: The Gals want Bette to know that no one can take her baby away from her, so they have all gathered round to leave her a voice mail telling her to come home. This will for sure work without a doubt. Tina wants the Gals to know that “if she’s not in L.A by the time I get back, I will call the police and she will NEVER see Angelica again.” We all know Tina will win, but the real winner is Alice, because when Tina busts in and rips out her waterfall (not the kind of waterfalls with dead mirages in them, the other kind) of haterade, Alice is like “Bette, now she’s definitely not gonna come home” since Tina left that little Moment of Hate on the Intervention Voice Mail.
Shane Wins the Wet T-Shirt Contest: This is when Shane comes out of the sea because she used to be a Mermaid, but then Ursula gave her feet because floating around you don’t get too far, legs are required for jumping, dancing, and walking around on on those, what’s that word again? FEEET!
Lesbian Squabble #2: Last Night a DJ Saved my Life
In the Ring: Max and Jenny
Content/Result: Max totally loses. Jenny says she doesn’t forgive Shane for leaving Carmen, especially cause Alice spent all that time planning the wedding and Helena spent a “small fortune” on it (and Jenny managed to get laid by a cute french girl, but whatevs), but Max said he would forgive Shane and Jenny should too. Why? Why is not a good question to ask when it comes to Max.
Jenny: “I do support your transition. We just don’t go together anymore. Because you identify as a straight man. And there’s the mismatch because you want me to be a straight girlfriend to your straight guy. And I identify as a lesbian who wants to fuck girls. And you’re not a girl.”
Helena: “I can’t even buy a pair of shoes for 3,500 dollars!”
Alice: “Not if you’re talking about 14,000 handmade in Barcelona lace-ups, no.”
This is the Our Chart infomercial, I am sure you will see it on TV soon enough. It makes juice and helps you succeed in business overnight. We were saying that if they let you say who you hooked up without any type of verification screening, I’m totally being like “I had a threesome with Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche.” HOLLA!! This Papi storyline could be interesting, and I do like Jenny’s hoodie. I LOVE GIRLS IN HOODIES.
The Trans Support Group
Haviland: “They must have had such an amazing time casting this scene.”
Max found out he was taking too much testosterone! Yay! Now he can become more normal, and then maybe he and Jenny can have hot post breakup sex.
Another Trans guy: “Do you have any friends left, man?”
Max: “Yeah, I do.”
(Um…no, you don’t).
Lesbian Squabble #3: Nobody Puts Baby in the Corner of the Courtroom
In the Ring: Tina V. Bette
Content/Result: They both want Angelica, obvs. They are both acting like lunatics but in totally different ways, and then Tina says that she is going to lose all of her friends because they all hate her for her sexuality, and Bette kindly reminds her that: “They don’t hate you because your sexual orientation, Tina, they hate you because you can’t be trusted not to use it against me when it comes to the custody of our child.”
(Side note: I’m so glad the writers are clearing these things up for us, nice work! We admit that Tina is a bitch and that’s not mutually exclusive to bisexuality, and that Max is taking too much testosterone which means being an asshole is not mutually exclusive to being a transgender. I’m happy about this.)
Bette: “In what universe is this not a terrible thing?”
Joyce: “In the universe of my bank account for one, especially now that my client is um, employed again. but the real beauty is that this will be a Media Bonanza. And Tina, if I may step back into my role of mediator for right now, I suggest you find yourself a better lawyer.”
Tina: “What’s wrong with my Lawyer?”
Bette: “Why are you telling her this?”
Joyce: “Well, Charles is competent but frankly, he’s milk-toast. I’ll have him for breakfast. It’s a shame Johnny Cocoran is dead, a flamboyant African American lawyer arguing on the behalf of your picture perfect white hetero family—that would have been perfect for you, since you know we’re going to be playing the race card.”
Bette: “It’s not a card, it’s something I know to be firmly and intrinsically true–Tina’s not qualified to raise a biracial child.”
Tina: “Oh, but I was qualified to live and sleep with one for eight and a half years?”
Bette: “Well, obviously you weren’t qualified for that, either.”
“In the episode that we wrote, Henry was a preacher and Tina was a preacher’s wife in the 50s.”
Sherri: “Is she wearing a french maid outfit?”
Me: “She’s a saucy maid.” (referencing the part Haviland played in an opera she did at Ithaca that she showed me on video, because I’m a good friend, unlike Tina.)
Shane is a rockstar. She does drugs and has headaches and her shirt is see-through, and Cherie is wearing big Mary Kate sunglasses. Shane doesn’t have any lines in this scene, she just moans a lot, and walks around all dizzy like and there are all these girls in bikinis and guys who look like they are from Jersey and Shane does lines of cocaine because she’s like, tough as shit. Everyone is staring at her because she used to be a mermaid.
Me: That car is the most beautiful thing I’ve seen this whole episode.
Haviland: Write that down.
“You self-righteous bible-pushing anti-woman You’re here to harass and intimidate desperate women who come in for help! I hate you fucking people!”
I don’t have anything to say about this, I just wanted to share it with you.
Odysseus Hits a Snag: Shane continues on her long journey from Bad to Worse. In this leg of the journey, she runs a BMW into a ledge after going to see Carmen and getting her ass kicked by Carmen’s cousin.
AT THIS MOMENT, THE L WORD GOES FROM BEING KINDA MEDIOCRE TO TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME.
THIS IS SO BAD THAT IT’S JUST SO, SO, SOOOOOOOOO AWESOME.
“This show just got so much better.” -Haviland, Re: Marina’s return
Marina says Jenny’s book reminds her “of Dorothy Allison with a streak of Mary Gaitskill.” That sounds like a nice combo of writerly excellence, but I don’t know, Jenny, really? Whatevs. The sound of the words “Mary Gaitskill” from Marina’s mouth are enough for me. I can die now. Also the ARSON ARSON thing.
Lesbain Foreplay Moment #2: Isn’t it Funny That Jenny Just Dumped Max for being a Straight Man and Now she’s with A Woman Who Wants a Threesome?
The Players: Marina, Jenny and Claude. But then just Marina and Claude.
The Pick Up: I don’t know, something in French.
Hot or Not?: Eh, Marina is hot, but Jenny looks so sad.
Haviland, Re: Jenny leaving the threesome to go see if her New York Times Review is posted yet: You would totally do that, Riese.
Me: Yeah I would.
Shane is Gonna be a Daddy!
Shane’s Father has left his wife and Shane goes back to look for him and finds everything has gone wrong and Shane’s Father’s Wife is all like “Hey I left you a present out back,” and Shane is like (in her head) “Maybe it’s cocaine?” but then it is totally a Human Child, in fact it is her half-brother.
This is gonna be good, like that Will Smith Music Video “Just the Two of Us.” (Really though, this is gonna be GOOD)
THE ROUND UP:
Lesbian Sex Moments: ZERO. F#**%&&N ZERO.
Lesbian Foreplay Moments: 2 this epsiode, 2 in total.
Lesbian Squabbles: 4 this epsiode, 4 in total
Quote of the Week: Joyce the Lawyer