Well good day to you, queers! It’s National Coming Out Day, were you aware? This is a very “Kumbaya” sort of day in which we, The Out, send our most supportive and loving vibes to The Closeted, so that they may feel the power of the rainbow and charge forth into Honesty and Visibility, etc.
It’s also a good time to do what queers love best: talk about ourselves!
We thought we’d share some of the more humorous / awkward reactions we’ve received in our many, many years of proclaiming our homogayness to the world! As mentioned in yesterday’s Advice for Homogays from Homogays and Coming Out at Work, you should always take your own safety / job security very seriously and never feel pressured to come out in an unwelcoming environment.
Taylor, Tech Editor:
My mom and I were extremely close, but we never talked about Things, of course.
Inevitably the moment came and I had to choke out that awful mouthful of awkward. I’d already done that horrifying I have something to tell you thing that invariably results in either you coming out or the person you’re talking to thinking you were going to come out, even if you’d simply wrecked your car or were pregnant or something.
I somehow managed to exhale my way through some cop-out variation on “I have a girlfriend” or how my girlfriend at the time, Erica, and I were more than friends, something, something and then I inhaled and unfurrowed my eyebrows and there it was. My mom is super cool, but kind of prim in this puritan-throwback way, so I had no fucking idea what was going to happen.
Next thing I know, there was a beat and then my mom busts out with “I THINK THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!”
And then, as though she was possessed suddenly by some sapphic demon whose realm was twentysomething nostalgia, my mom came pouring out with this entire sense-memory-ridden stream-of-consciousness tidal wave about her very close friend in college, and how, if they had only been attracted to one another, things might have been so great because they loved each other so much.
So, I don’t know if my mom stole my spotlight or if it was just her series of horribly failed marriages talking, but yeah. That’s how it went down, no kidding.
I came out to my mom last year on National Coming Out Day via text message (because I was about to get on a bus to DC and I didn’t want to leave the state without telling my mom why). In classic mom style, she tried to send me a sweet message back about how yes, she did already know, but she hit send too early and I got only half a message: “Thank you for telling me and I am very proud of you. I have really always known and its never made a difference. Please let me k” Eventually I got a whole text from her, but I’m still amused at our whole interaction.
The first time I told my 93 year old Grandma that I was gay she said, “I think you’ll be really good at that dear.” Three minutes later, she asked me what my husband did for work. She has Alzheimer’s. I’ve come out to her a bunch of times actually and she seems to really enjoy the idea while she can remember it.
Romance languages are fun, but gendered adjectives are really just asking for trouble, especially since Spanish textbooks seem to think that dating is a great topic for the first chapter. One year, we had an exercise where we had to go around the room and say what we were looking for in a person. I don’t remember what I said, but when I used an adjective with a feminine ending, my teacher corrected me saying “no, make sure your nouns and adjectives agree.” I said “I know” and she started to explain again but then it hit her that I wasn’t stupid, just gay. She turned bright red and apologized and we moved on like nothing had happened.
Crystal, Music Editor:
My mother and I have a rather distant relationship, we never really get personal and so the coming out conversation quite amusing. I think we both wanted the discussion to be over with ASAP.
Me: I’ve started dating a girl.
Mother: Oh. Okay. Do you need to talk about your … [super awkward pause] … feelings?
Me: No. I think I’m okay.
Mother: Oh. Okay. Good.
“So Mom has been watching The L Word reruns all week… Shane is my favorite.”
-my Dad, 2007
I never officially “came out” to my dad, he just figured it out through my incessant L Word commentary and my mom’s concurrent obsession. I guess he figured ONE of us had to be.
I told my parents that Katrina and I were walking down the street in NYC and we saw Marie Lyn Bernard, this blogger that I really like, and that we went to dinner with her. Then I was like “Just kidding, I work for a website that she runs and it’s gay and so am I.”
“But we all thought it would be [girl from my former Girl Scout troop]”
– My mother
She figured that only one of the girls from my youth could possibly turn out to be gay and she didn’t understand how I’d ended up being the chosen one. She had a point, there were other far more obvious choices. I hope they’re all gay now.
Are you out to all 96737 of your closest friends, family and co-workers? Tell us your own hilarious / hilariously awkward coming out reactions in the comments!
If you’re coming out to someone today, GOOD LUCK, FRIEND. Let us know how it goes! For more on coming out and how to do it, visit the HRC’s Coming Out Project.
“…but then it hit her that I wasn’t stupid, just gay.” OMG HILARIOUS!
My dad actually did the coming out for me. My mom passed away unexpectedly, and I went into a sort of depression. Of course I was upset that she was gone, but it hurt me so much that she died and I never go the chance to tell her I was gay. I felt like she never got the chance to see me for who I really am. Then one day my dad walked up to me and said “It’s OK, honey. She knew. We’ve both known for a long time.”
This is one of the more beautiful things I have ever heard. And I’m really sorry about your mom. x
Thank you for that. That’s really nice of you
Mine was good. The first people I came out to were my best friends. I had traveled up to Sydney for our annual sleepover (yes, we still had sleepovers at the age of 17). It was at night and we were all in sleeping bags. I cried and they all gave me hugs and my best friend was right next to me so it was awesome. What was awkward though is when I saw one of them later she asked the dreaded ‘So, do you think I’m attractive?’…dreaded because she’s my best friend and I’ve never in fact, been attracted to her. So, yeah…that was sorta awkward.
Mum asked me outside in the garden once. She couldn’t really warm to it but then she took me out to Chili’s when dad was away and wanted to ‘understand’ better. She said well you’ve never had sex before though and I said well, I don’t want to say this like, ‘You need to educate yourself but it may come across that way…’ and I quoted an American Psychological Association quote about how ‘sexual orientation is often known in early adolescence (I was 18 at the time I was telling her, so) without any prior sexual experience’. I think it comforted her that I recognized she might’ve been confused/thought it was a phase and that was because she hadn’t ever had to think about sexual orientation. Her whole attitude changed after that.
Dad gave me the ‘you’re too young and you need to experience life first before boxing yourself in about your sexuality’ spiel. Well, I had just booked a ticket to L8 in Brighton with his credit card after asking if I could ‘buy something online’, so he wasn’t in the most open-minded state of mind I don’t think…Yeah, still negotiating that one…
I was in the car with my mom and she was like ‘Look, Meg, do you like girls? Cause you aren’t very subtle and it’s kind of awkward for everyone.’ And I was like ‘Yeah, they’re pretty great.’ And then she was like ‘Okay. What do you want at Timmy’s?’
my mom asked me if I liked girls when we were in the car too! Weird. Though we were working on moving out of my sophomore year (of college) housing and she was asking me about boys and stuff and I was complaining about not really being able to meet anyone that year using nonspecific pronouns and she was like:
“well… do you like girls?”
me: uhh… maybe…
her: ok, well, it’s alright if you do.
me: why do we always talk about this stuff when we’re in the car?
her: well, when I’m driving it’s easier for you to talk to me about difficult subjects because we’re not facing each other.
me: why do you know everything?
Though even better is my best friend’s story… he called his parents crying because he was upset/afraid but really wanted to tell them:
his mom: What’s wrong???
him: I’m gay!
his mom: Is that all!!!??? I thought you were in a car accident or something!
Car conversations must be like chapter 1 in the Parenting Handbook.
1) You’re trapped
2) You don’t face each other
3) The need for a pause can always be filled with the excuse of “I’m focusing so hard on this lane change I just can’t comment on the fingerblasting remark you made just yet…”
every single serious conversation between me and my mom was in the car. every. single. one.
Me, 15, drunk: Trish I have to tell you and everyone something but you might hate me.
Trish, 16, even more drunk: Alice I would love you even if you were a raving lesbian. I would rave with you.
Me: …about that.
I USED THE SAME LINE
except my mom was tickling me and I was 14 and it was the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday and she had just told me it would be okay if I was gay. my response was all “about that…”
She countered with the inevitable ARE YOU HAVING SEX and things were awkward for a while. Now she invites my girlfriends to dinner. I like it.
I came out to my mom on I-95 on the way to see Dave Matthews Band, with tickets that I bought for her. I was talking about my friend Kristi and the drama that was going on with her parents and her being queer. I just said that I was gay and she was silent for a second but then was accepting completely. She later told me that I ruined the concert for her (not really) because it was ‘Kait = gay’ on constantly replay in her mind.
This is why I told her this week that I was thinking about transitioning because we’re going to see Dave Matthews Band again together in November. She doesn’t know that my dad and I got tickets for her already. Surprise :)
I went into my mom’s room while she was watching tv and told her I was gay. She started crying and said “But Anne Heche changed her mind. It’s probably just a phase.” My response: “Yeah mom I’m going to also wake up in the middle of the desert calling for my mothership.” Then walked out…
But on another note: I was glad to give Anne Heche back to the straight team.
Yeah but pretty funny/ wondering how many people get this pop culture reference. Is my age showing?
My friends and i played a drinking game to her E! True Hollywood Story…oh, the fun that was Celestia and her wandering around in her bra and slippers….
Overheard when my former roommate outed me to my next-door neighbor:
“Is she Catholic?”
“No, she’s gay.”
I wish my mom had a good/funny/awkward reaction.
I tried to come out via email because I was completely terrified because my mom is a giant christian and was married to a bigoted preacher’s son. The bigoting rubbed off on her over the years. My girlfriend and I were a few weeks out from out first visit together and I needed to tell her before we arrived. I urged her over and over to check her email but mothers a) do not listen and b) never remember when we tell them very important things.
She didn’t say anything until we were there about twenty minutes and she saw the rings we gave each other. Then it all made sense and she cried and was mean to us the whole weekend and we kind of fought for a whole year. Eventually she stopped being a jerk and decided “it’s okay” and she likes my girlfriend so much it’s almost annoying. But it is okay, cause she votes for me now instead of against me.
One time she said “I look at those links you post on the Facebook to that website. I like it but…. does it have to be so…. gay?” Yes mom, it does. I guess she decided she was okay with that. She’s pretty good for the most but sometimes she reminds me that she just doesn’t want me to “look like a boy.” So we still have our moments, don’t we?
I came out to my mom by accidentally sending a text message meant for my girlfriend to her.
Haha oh man. Good times…?
lulz “Good times…?”
2 mani 2 handle
I made my family dinner because in my mind, that would make them not get mad at me if they were disappointed by my gayness. I came out and they were totally cool with it, but now I associate pasta primavera with coming out and that makes for awkward noodles.
Also, my mom’s reaction: “Well… I guess we always thought it was a possibility, but then again there weren’t really any good guys at your school for you to date.” I love my mom. Now she wants to come out for me to my more distant relatives because she is really fond of my girlfriend and apparently wants to brag about her or something.
This is totally what my dad’s reaction was like: he reckons my gayness is probably mostly to do with the fact that until this year I spent my adolescence at a girls’ school. Except, his main words of advice were “DO NOT TELL YOUR RELATIVES”, because he fears his brother’s homophobicness (a word?). Guess I’m just glad I’m his kid, not my uncle’s.
The word you were after is ‘homophobia’. Damn, that’s annoying :(
One time my boss’s boss’s male boss asked me on a date. Saying no seemed like a bad idea for my future employment status, so I blurted out “sure…?” He picked me up, and we complemented each other on our tie choices. He asked, “You aren’t at all, umm, attracted to me, are you?” I told him that I wasn’t. We ended up having a fabulous time.
Dying! Oh my god hilarious!
i knew there was a reason i loved you wasteunit.
Best Friend: I have something to tell you…[silent]
Me : What…you’re gay?
Best Friend: [completely shocked] Omg! How do you know?
Me : It’s ok, so am I
I told my mom I was gay a month after my 12th birthday and she said I was too young to worry about it. That’s really all I remember from that conversation.
My favorite was when I told someone I was gay and they asked if I had ever had sex with a goat. Really? Is that what straight people think we do?
I told a guy I was gay and he immediately said his daughter was caught running around a Dunkin Donuts wearing a strap-on.
Sorry, it was the Dunkin Donuts parking lot.
Oh, I do that all the time.
That’s what I told him.
I came out to my brother a year ago. He shrugged, made a ‘meh’ noise, then went back to watching TV.
It was a different story with my parents. They’re still trying to pretend I didn’t say anything, and on the rare moments they decide I did, it was because of the ‘unfortunate circumstances’ of the time.
The best reactions so far have been from my brother’s friend, who squeaked quite a bit then told me how cool it was, and one of my own friends, who was so excited I kind of thought he might bounce right out of the window. Afterwards he told me he was proud to have a lesbian friend, and promised to take me to a gay bar.
The latter hasn’t happened yet…
2 weeks ago, on the phone with my younger sister:
Sis: [going on about her cover letters]
Me: I totally want to join roller derby.
Sis: That’s very lesbian of you.
Me: Yeah, about that…
Sis: I knew it! [Younger brother] told me he was pretty sure you were.
Sis: So what do you think about this cover letter?
So now 2 family members down, 2 to go.
My sister plays roller derby, has an alternative lifestyle haircut and multiple tattoos, is a teen librarian, and is straight (and married to a man).
My parents are totally gonna flip out that I am the gay one, cause seriously, if you put us side by side, it’s a tossup.
roller derby is for homos. and I love it. :)
Holy crap, I’m getting a PhD from library school. How awesome is that?? Seriously, I think we have the highest concentration of ladies who like ladies among grad programs outside of GWS.
Man you all have some great coming out stories. I came out at 16, 18 and 31. The interesting one was at 18.
I was at an all girls college and dating my first love. I was trying to figure out how to mention her to my parents who were visiting. I happened to be in color photography class and I was showing my mom some of my pics, one of which included a photo of my girlfriend, under my very distinctive duvet, covered but CLEARLY not wearing a top.
And that’s how she found out about her!
Me: Mom, I have something that I have to tell you, and I really hope you won’t hate me.
Mom: Are you pregnant? Are you failing out of school? Well, what is it?
Me: I’m in love with a woman.
Mom: (guffaws) Oh, I don’t care. So long as whoever you’re with makes you happy, I don’t care if they’re a girl or a boy. You can’t ever tell your father, though.
I have had to come out for my sister about 11 times. It does gets easier and more blunt.
I have also had to give explanations on ‘How Bisexuality Can Exist’; a seminar on ‘It’s NOT a Phase: Coping with the fact that your child IS/WILL ALWAYS BE gay. It doesn;t go away’. (That title is a work in progress); and lectures on ‘Its NOT a Choice’ to my mother, friends and co-workers.
So, do you feel like selling the script for your clearly AMAZING lecture series to me? My brother could probably use some help. I know he’s had to give impromptu talks to family members about how they didn’t screw up somehow when I was an infant. And while my brother is super awesome for trying/knowing the direction he’s supposed to go with said talks, he’s an engineer & not exactly up to date on sexuality theory.
Anyway, thank you for supporting your sister by tackling the stuff that your family needs some information on. It probably means so so much to her, because coming out is hard enough already and help from a supercool sibling is invaluable!
I came out to my sister about a month ago. She pretty much said she’d figured, cause I look very gay. It surprised me since she’s really uptight. She even brings up the subject sometimes, it’s awkward but I don’t mind her questions much.
This weekend I’m having her meet my girlfriend, she already dislikes her (long story) even though she’s never personally met her. It’ll be fun times.
Sounds like when I came out to my sister. I think at one point I said, “I put a lot of effort into staying in the closet, you can at least PRETEND to be surprised.”
It was the end of the year, with exams just over, and one of my friends (Bevin) smoothly came out in the basement to our little close circle of friends. Everyone was like “oh, okay, cool” and I was kind of hyperventilating in a corner so they were all “Do you have a problem? :(” and I said ‘NO I’M FINE JUST CAN’T BREATHE”. And then we made smores outside, and then the conversation went like this:
Me: …I have something to tell you.
Me: *choking on smore*
Bevin: Do you have Bevin-like tendencies?
Me: *nod furiously, still choking on smore*
And then pretty much allll of my friend were like ME TOO over the next couple weeks. Apparently at all girls Catholic schools the queers flock together.
I still have to come out to two of my best friends, though. Today would have been perfect but I’m super scared they’ll hate me forever, even though common sense tells me they won’t.
“Apparently at all girls Catholic schools the queers flock together”
That was my experience exactly. The whole time we were like, “but why are we friends??” because we had nothing in common. Little did we know…
My experience too, dude! Out of my core group of eight friends in high school, I think one girl identifies as straight.
Haha, erin b., those are pretty much exactly the same numbers for me. Maybe there’s a given percentage of gay people for each Catholic school…
Why wasn’t this my life? That’s what I get for going to public school.
Right. Who would’ve thought Catholic school’s the place to be!
“Apparently at all girls Catholic schools the queers flock together.”
This is the absolute truth.
Godmother: Are you dating a boy?
Godmother: are you dating a girl?
Me: not currently, no.
Godmother: Cool. Half of your family is gay, btw. It’s in your blood!
I told my mom when I was twelve, right after my birthday as well, and she just brushed it off.
Then when I got a girlfriend she got mad and angry and then eventually it got ok and she kind of treats her like just my sister or best friend who comes over a lot in a non-awkward way.
I told my mum when I was 14 and I bawlled my eyes out, and she was like, “Caaaaalm down.”
I told my dad after sitting around in his workshop/the garage for an hour and procrastinating and talking about his childhood and Ukrainian polka music. When I finally told him, he had a sorts, “I knew it!” moment and was all, “My baby girl is growing up!”
My friends all had to go to the bathroom at the same time when I told them. I think we’re cool now.
Have any of you guys watched I Can’t Think Straight? You know how Leyla tells her mom and the reaction she gets? Story of my life.
Imagine being in a ridiculously conservative ultra Muslim family…
I came out twice!
Once when I was 13, I came out as a Bisexual. She burst into tears and then proceeded to pray for the next few weeks; She said I was possessed by the devil!
I came out again at 19 again as ubergay and she still thinks it’s a phase.
That is what you call denial people. My dad still doesn’t know because I’m a daddy’s girl.
One of my friend’s reactions was really funny though:
Me: Bianca I have something to tell you…
Bianca (all panicky and freaked out that something horrible has happened) : Oh my god! Oh my god what!?
Me: I’m gay…
Bianca: Oh! Congratulations..?
Same family.. The reason I’m not coming out. Yet?
I was really high on painkillers and I thought I was going to die. I wasn’t, but my gallbladder had died and it was all diseased and infected and EVERYTHING HURT SO MUCH. So before I went into surgery I grabbed my mom’s hand and slurred, “I’m gay Mom!” It came out something like. “Immgarayyyy…” I was convinced I was going to die and I didn’t want to die a Mormon. Even though I wasn’t in my heart. But I didn’t want people to think that, you know? It was VERY IMPORTANT at the time.
She already knew though. And it ended up being okay. My gf’s not out though, and that’s another story for another day. It’s hard.
When I was having my wisdom teeth removed, I was forced to surrender my iPod, which the dental hygienist promptly delivered to my mother. Before losing lucidity, I spent a (very) few minutes terrified that my mother would figure out how to operate my iPod and discover the Planet Podcasts with KC and Elka. That seemed a terrible way to inadvertently come out. Fortunately for me, she and electronic devices are not friends.
I remember when I was always afraid of people looking through the podcast section of my ipod and seeing the Planet. One time my sister saw and asked me if I was a lesbian. I said no. It definitely would have been a bad time to come out.
Me, on phone to my aunt: I have something to tell you.
Aunt: Oh, what’s that?
Me: …I date girls.
Aunt: …Oh. Well, you know I’ll always love you.
Aunt: Don’t cut your hair.
Aunt: Don’t cut your hair, you have lovely hair.
Me: …I wasn’t going to?
Aunt: Good, okay, you wouldn’t look good with short hair. Also-
Aunt: You need to keep your straight friends. Don’t be giving them up.
Aunt: And don’t just be going to gay bars.
Me: …I won’t?
Aunt: Good. You should still go to straight bars sometimes.
Aunt: Okay. Well, love you, bye for now.
This is pretty much the same conversation I had with my great Aunt, except she really doesn’t get it, I guess. She still finds ‘nice boys’ for me to go out with. When I do agree (which is nearly never), they turn out to be gay, go figure.
my aunt totally suspects my gayness, like we were at her house, and she put it on logo, and then we started watching a movie, and she kept asking me if i thought the lead girls were pretty. now that i think about it, maybe she was coming out to me…
Having come out with varying degrees of awkwardness to all my friends, my mum and sister during my teens, I hesitated in telling my dad. He’s a wonderful bloke, but with enough illiberal opinions that I just couldn’t gauge which way it would go when I told him. Of course, the longer you leave it, the worse that creeping dread gnaws at you.
After several thwarted attempts over a decade, I finally found the right moment during a family friend’s birthday bash, both of us sufficiently merry that I was sure any shock would be dulled by alcohol, any drama dissipated in the crowd of revelling family.
So, loading my facial expression with as much gravitas as a bottle-and-a-half of wine would accord, I asked him whether he’d ever though it odd that I had never mentioned any boyfriends.
I’m not sure what I expected, I hadn’t really planned anything beyond that initial question. I was definitely surprised when he told me that several years previously, the ceiling in my room had leaked quite severely, and while he was shifting furniture out of the damp, he’d just happened upon my stash of lesbian reading material. He’d kept it to himself, and thought that if and when I was ready to talk about it I would do.
The rest of the conversation contained some real nuggets, as he asserted to me that he still thought that it was wrong for men to shag each other, but it was fine for women, and actually said to me: as long as you don’t go out with a girl that looks like a man. I want you to find a girl that’s nice and pretty, like you are which is simultaneously the most retarded and sweetest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
What can you do with parents, eh?
I should also point out that this is probably the only time that Diva magazine has ever been useful to anybody.
It told me that lady sovereign was gay, which I didn’t know because I have the gaydar of a person who uses the word gay as an insult.
Omg, me too. My gaydar is horrible.
Ha that happened me too Sally, well not that exactly because that’d be unlikely but the not wanting me to go out with a lady that resembles a man. Also, the last time I went home we had a massive argument about it and she said she “just doesnt want me to turn out like all the gay people she sees because they turn out overweight and unsuccessful…” (!) And naturally I aksed her how many gay people she knew….”Oh, you know, one..” le sigh, that’s like me saying that this one time I saw a straight person being mean to a kitten so therefore all straights must hate cats, (or something like that) but it’s hard to argue with someone when their argument defys logic so very much!
My mother made me go talk to a priest after she found out I was gay by going though my stuff. Fucking catholics
It’s okay, mine thought I was possessed by the devil! =)
Mine too! My dad actually put a bible in my bed and my mom snucka crucifix in my backpack which is more disturbing than a demon possession
All the “It’s fine that you’re gay, but just don’t be butch/go too far/violate gender norms” (I’m paraphrasing here) comments… I’ve received them too. Fuckin great, huh?
Yup, that’s what my mom keeps on telling me. Luv it!
Coming out to my mom wasn’t bad. I sort of snuck it in right before I got into the car to drive home after a weekend visit. Really, it was my own awkwardness that spilled out all over the situation. Cut to a year later when I had one too many margaritas on family vacation and I told her that I had a (pretty big) tattoo. SHE LOST HER SHIT.
I came out to my parents as bi my junior year of college. I told my mom when she was driving us back to my dorm after a short visit and trip to the mall.
I figured if I told her while she was driving she would be forced to respond rationally and also couldn’t get away.
I learned this from her after a series of vehicular lectures on safe sex and why you should wear cotton underwear instead of less breathable fabrics and what a yeast infection might look and feel like (note to parents: unlicensed kids = captive audience = time for ‘the talk’).
I said, “MomcanItellyousomething?”
And she said, “Is it something…dangerous?” like maybe I was a spy or at least involved in drugs and street crime.
So I said, “Um, no, um, I’m bisexual.”
And she said, “Ok. Ok. Ok. It’s Ok. Ok. It’s Ok.” with her hands carefully placed at 10 and 2 on the wheel as she nodded, nodded, nodded her assent. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me or to herself.
Then she asked me how I knew and I tried to say how I just sort of figured it out but apparently the language I used led her to believe I had been seduced by a nefarious lesbian professor. So I clarified, and ultimately after parking the car she thanked me for sharing something I felt was important with her. And told me that, for years, she had wondered if my younger brother was gay (he wasn’t, and still isn’t…and has a lot more game with girls than I do. SIGH).
And then I was a coward and asked her to tell me dad and I ran away to do my dish shift at the dining hall.
And she told my dad and he didn’t talk to her for 3 days which is my fault.
And they came back to campus the following weekend to Talk About It which was incredibly awkward and shitty and involved accusatory hysterics from my mom and uncomfortable denial from my dad and tears and a warning that I should be careful who I tell (at college) in case it got back to people my dad knows professionally (across the state not involved in higher education at all) as people could potentially use this information to make allegations that he had abused me which is why I turned out this way which would damage him professionally.
So I didn’t talk to them about my personal life for a year and a half.
I came out to my brothers via email shortly after this scene and they didn’t seem to care much (aside from caring for me, yay!) but were both impressed by my ‘moxy’ in telling mom and dad.
But since then my mom has super cool and accepting and supportive and I can talk to her about girlfriends or boyfriends and she always remembers to ask about my ex-gf because she knows we are still bffs which is sweet.
But if/when I get another girlfriend I’ll probably have to come out to my dad again because we haven’t talked about it since I came out that first time which was…9 years ago. And my last relationship was with a boy which is probably why my dad was ok with it even though my bf had tattoos and earings and wore boy skinny jeans and played in a punk band.
At my (also gay) friend’s house after a party, we were each very, very drunk.
Me: So uh…I like girls
Her: No shit! How long have you known?
Her: Wanna make out?
…yeah, my friends were pretty good, still haven’t told my parents, though…
I came out to my parents about two weeks after I figured it out myself (at 18). I came home from college for the weekend, and we were at my brother’s little league game, and I said, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is I’m queer and the bad news is [bad news].” They were accepting, but I found out later they were a little more stunned than they let on. Apparently they were convinced I was straight, but weren’t sure about my brother. (Who could not be more heterosexual, seriously)
Then, next time I saw my mom, she went into a story about a woman she was friends with when she was younger, and if things were different…
I just started a new job, and have the whole coming out thing to do again, for the first time in ages. I went through some shit at my last job with people saying I shouldn’t be allowed to work there, and other people asking if I couldn’t just pretend my girlfriend was a boy, and that lasted several months, but eventually blew over, and it was mostly okay for ten years. I’m hoping it won’t be a problem this time, because I’m over dealing with that stuff. We’re almost fifteen years down the line now, and should have moved on some.
I came out to my younger brother while he was driving me to the airport after his college graduation party. My brother is fantastic and we are pretty close, but I’ve been living out east for six years and I honestly had NO idea how he would react. He went to a rather rednecky college and calls himself a conservative *cough* – I wasn’t even sure if he knew another gay person. So I told him and my voice was all shaky and there were some tears. He pulled over on the side of the road and goes “I love you, sis…(thoughtful pause) … this is kinda awesome because WE CAN TALK ABOUT GIRL PROBLEMS!”
And then he bear-hugged me and I thought super my brother is more comfortable talking about this than me.
i came out to my mom when i was 13 and i was all scared to tell her and stressed for months but one night we were sitting doing a puzzle and i had got so annoyed with it ( it was only 1000 pice but we’d been working on it for months on and off ) but it had made me so anoyed that night that i looked at my mom and was like
me” im gay ” just to get out of doing any more on the damn puzzle
my mom told me later on that i had been crying before i told her but i dont remeber that all i remeber is how srustrated about the puzzle i was
but she told me she had no clue ( tho i talked about girls and how hot they were all the time and had girls pics all over my room ) she said that i was level headed and she truset i new what was best for me … we never did any more on that puzzle once i was all happy she didnt care and wasnt mad i took it apart and put it in the box
when i came out to my dad he said “why are you telling me?”
and i really didn’t know.
This was the convo with my mom about a week ago after I went to the high school fair:
Me: That harvey milk school sounds really nice…
Mom, pissed off and trying to figure out how to get through brooklyn: Natalie, are you gay?!
Me, stunned at her directness: Um. Maybe.
It hasn’t been brought up again, and I’m pretty sure my dad has drawn conclusions from the whole series of the l word, several gay documentaries and everything that was ever on logo suddenly popping up on the instant queue on the wii.
That’s great. I haven’t come out yet to my family, but they must have noticed the GIANT amount of lesbian movies in their netflix instantview history.
Almost every other time I’ve come out it ends up being really, REALLY sappy.
Me: Tom, guess what?!
Tom: OMG, are you come out of something?!
Me: I was just going to say I have tickets to see the Indigo Girls. But, okay, that too.
Coming out to my Mom and everything was like a Lifetime movie. So, I will just leave it at that.
Except, there is one funny moment. One night I came home late and she was asleep on the couch. She woke up and asked me what was all over my face. I remembered it was lipstick from the girl I had just been out with and…wow…I panicked and said I had a rash or something and ran to the bathroom. I mean, my Mom freaked when I told her I was gay. I didn’t think she could handle knowing I was actually dating girls.
Since coming out is hardly a once and done event, I have two favorite stories to share.
In the first, I was visiting Indiana for the second time in as many months, and couldn’t come up with any plausible explanation other than my girlfriend. So I mentioned it to a friend, via email, who I’d been planning to tell for a while.
“As it is with boys, it is with girls. If she hurts you, I’ll cut her.”
Good to have backup.
In the second, one friend quasi-accidentally outed me to another. Not ten minutes after it happened, I two voicemail messages. One from Outer, apologizing. The second from Newly-In-The-Know, preemptively apologizing in case he had ever done anything or said anything to make me think that I couldn’t tell him. He wanted me to know that he loved me unconditionally and that he was so, so sorry if I didn’t know that. (I honestly had no doubts, I just hadn’t gotten around to it).
I have some pretty awesome friends.
Can your friend be my friend? How wonderful.
Yeah…sometimes when I’m getting frustrated at others not coming out, I have to remember that I am incredibly fortunate, as friends go.
about a week after I came out to my sister we had dinner with the parents. after dinner:
sister: oh geeze.
sister: that was terrifying!
me: what are you talking about?
sister: I was positive you were going to come out to them just then. like blurt it out right after the lasagna or something.
me: what? for real?
sister: your being gay is really ruining my nerves.
sister: I’m glad this is funny for you.
I was 16, pushing around dinner with my fork, too anxious to eat, thinking about the girl-I-liked-who-had-a-girlfriend-who-kissed-me-anyway-triggering-Jewish-guilt-and-oh-so-much-social-drama, and I started crying, overwhelmed and hungry. My dad kept asking me what was wrong, but left it, and my mom comes in, puts her hand on my shoulder, and says, “Are you crying because you’re a lesbian?”
They came in to my room later that night, and my dad says, “Well, we’re okay with whoever you love, but you should still have biological children.” My mother adds, “Don’t lesbians use turkey basters or whatever?”
It’s been 5 years and they went from shocked/awkward to accepting/loving/shouting-from-the-rooftops.
I came out at school, a few weeks later, on my 17th birthday. I was holding my then-girlfriend’s hand, and we walked to the front of the GSA meeting, and I said, “This is my girlfriend. We’re dating.” Everyone applauded, and we sat down and watched But I’m a Cheerleader.
My coming out was terrifying. When I was 16, I came out to a friend, who never spoke to me again. So I stayed in the closet. When I first came out to my mother at 17, and got the worst beating I can remember. So I stayed in the closet. Then I came out semi-publically when I was 18, and my parents told me to find somewhere else to live in 3 days. So I was baptized again, and stayed in the closet and went to bible college. Then I got caught with another girl from my dorm, came out by default and disappeared for 6 months. I’ve been out (and proud) %100 for almost 10 years.
OH MY GOODNESS I CAME OUT TO MY MOM TODAY AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT WAS NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY. UNREAL!
Yes, so we were watching a tivoed SNL (with Jane Lynch, no less)and talking about how ignorant some people are to push their homophobic views onto others.
Mom: You know, it doesn’t matter to me whether you’re straight or gay, just as long as you’re happy.
Me: Yeah, about that…just so you know, I am.
Mom: (Distracted) Huh? You’re what?
Mom: Oh, well that’s a whole other story now, isn’t it?
Mom: …I was going to ask how you knew, but I guess you just do.
Me: I think I’ve known for a long time.
Mom: Me too. Moms just know these things.
Aww! Good job for coming out.
Is this an appropriate time to say Congratulations? I don’t care whether it’s not…
Totally appropriate time to say congratulations.
my GSA decided that because I actually have social skills, I should be the one who comes out on national coming out day…
so now I’m out to my school…
I hope that’s cool for you. I mean, I apologise if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, however in this wording it sounds like you were “the sacrifice”. Hope that isn’t the case, and that coming out has been a positive scenario for you.
So I was organising this big international Cultural studies conference with my advisor at the University. She was doing her presentation and it was about pornography, the L word and some art theory. Somehow, she ended her speech by talking about Shane, how she’s the representation of desire (like Passolini’s Theorema),how she ended up dreaming about her once and her last words were: «And so did this girl with the stripped shirt sitting in the back, ». Then 60 heads turned on me, casually wearing my Saint-James marinière.
I didn’t care really because I’m out and that everybody have dreamed about Shane at least once I’m sure. But still.
It kinda felt like Ellen’ puppy episode to me.
I don’t personally have an awesome coming-out story, but here is a funny one from high school.
THE SCENE: LUNCHTIME. NEAR THE END OF FRESHMAN YEAR. CATHOLIC ALL-GIRLS SCHOOL.
Friend: Guys. You guys, I have something to say.
Friend Two: You’re gay.
Friend: What!? No. No. [pause] But I’m going to Gay Day at Disneyland.
Friend Three: Because you’re gay.
Friend: No! No, I’m not gay!! [pause] My moms are.
i loved reading everyone’s stories!
i came out to most of my friends by making out with a girl in front of them, and then taking her home with us. i told my religious best friend (who was not out with us, ha) at dinner shortly after (i was dating previously mentioned girl) and she cried for 3 hours. so, uh. she no longer speaks to me.
and my mom and dad confronted me about my new friend. my dad told me i was ruining my life and my mom thought it was disgusting. i was banned from having any girlspacefriends over. yeah, i moved out 3 weeks later. and since i don’t date much they think it was just a phase and never bring it up.
i have yet to tell my most religious friend and my sister. i am hoping i’ll have the courage to tell my sister, but when you aren’t dating and don’t plan on dating, it’s kinda feels like hey guess WHAT I’M GAY for no reason.
The first time I came out it was to someone I didn’t even know, the supposed second time I don’t even remember (not in a sketchy, “I don’t remember anything from last night” kind of way, I just don’t remember it for whatever reason. I don’t know, it may have been pretty sketchy in other ways…), but it apparently happened, and after that everyone just kind of knew or found out one at a time. Except for my mom, who still refuses to believe me. Bitch.
Also, Jen from Marketing: Greatest coming-out story of ever. Seriously gave me with giggly warm fuzzies.
Gave me THE giggly warm fuzzies, A+ typing, self
Response of EVERY single person I’ve come out to with the expectation they would be surprised: “Yeah. Obviously.” (<–my entire family, all friends, etc.)
Response of several people I figured already knew: "Really?"
(Although I think the "really?" is probs. fake and they think I'll take the pretense that they can't tell I'm a lesbian as a compliment. Or something.)
Apparently I just can't read people well. And everyone knew I was gay before I did.
My mom picked me up from soccer practice which beforehand my first girlfriend and I just got into an argument in the bathroom (we were both in the closet). I couldn’t help it when I saw her on the sidewalk and ducked lower into my chair and started crying silently. I was hoping my mom wouldn’t notice but she asked me what was wrong. I told her it was nothing and that I was fine. She pulled into the next parking lot and hugged me and said even if you like girls I will love you no matter what. I couldn’t believe my mom knew, I was really shocked but happy at the same time and still crying uncontrollably. Although my mom knows now we haven’t discussed it since, but I am glad she acknowledges this part of me. I eventually came out to a few of my friends and my siblings who are okay with it, minus one friend. I will probably tell my dad when I go to college or after because he super conservative and religious.
Once I turned on the lights and realized I was in a closet at all, I ran my ass right out. Coming out to my friends was pretty simple but I’ll share one little nugget of gold.
I was hanging out with a few friends, one of whom I had just told earlier that night, and we were going through our male friend’s calendar in his room. This particular calendar was of the “gateway gig to porn” variety, and we were saying how none of the girls were actually very hot and all pretty fake looking. Both of the two guys we were with said that we wouldn’t understand because we’re girls and don’t see girls the same way they do. My friend’s response? “Erroneous. Believe me, I’m the only one in this room who doesn’t like tits.” They looked puzzled at first and one of them turned to me and all I did was smile, shrug and nod. The other one didn’t pick up on it quite so quickly. After I literally had to spell it out for him: “I’m gay, dipshit.”
Your friend throwing out “erroneous!” for some reason sent me into giggles…
My parents reaction is still a little hard to write about, though seven years later, I’d say that they’re trying, even while holding out hope for it having just been, “liberal arts brainwashing.” Yesterday, my dad even asked if there was an inoffensive way to call someone a lesbian, searching for the lady equivalent for his male-preferred “light in the tennis shoes.”
My brother, on the other hand, was about 13 at the time. He kept really quiet for the shouting and tears and gay=misery part, but, later that night, on returning to my room after taking a shower, I found a stack of the, Playboy, magazines he and his friends had raided from a neighborhood dad’s closet. From a 13 year old boy, that is love and acceptance in its purest form.
Your little bro deserves a hug. Can I donate a hug to the hug jar?
Oh my god. You have no idea, sweetest boy in the world. When he got to high school he helped start a Gay-Straight Alliance club. You can donate 500 hugs!
500 hugs it is! You may need to trade some in for a larger hug jar.
that is absolutely adorable.
What! That is glorious.
This is the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Your little brother is awesome.
Me: Mum, I think i’m…well – I know…I’m gay.
Mum: Oh, that’s all? I thought you were going to tell me something horrible. That’s fine. Date purple dinosaurs for all I care, I just want you to be happy…but Minnie – does dating smokers who don’t want children make you happy? Because it shouldn’t.
^I love my mother so much it’s ridiculous.
I have more to add! Funny/Scary story:
I just got on facebook and saw a friend had a coming out status and I thought it’d be harmless if I did the same. So I did. And then I remembered all the people from my conservative job that I had on there and had a mini-freak out.
Oh well. Cease the day.
It’s not exactly a coming out story more like a being outed story but its definitely my favorite to date.
I was a theater geek in high school and was walking into the school to prepare for a show when an old friend pulled up in his car. So i’m talking to him through the window when one of the other actors walks by, no big.
When I get inside she asks if he was my boy friend. I told her that he wasn’t but the conversation had peeked the interest of our theater director who came out of his office. He asked what we were talking about so I explained.
The girl then said that the theater kids were like family and just figured that I should tell them if he was my boyfriend. The theater director says “We’re family, but someones not in on the family secret” giving me a look.
Needless to say I was stunned since i didn’t know he knew, and proceed to turn bright red.
This is the story of my life right now. My director is very well known for her typecasting and we have kind of a disproportionate number of females and males, so some of us ladies are in traditionally male played parts, and naturally, I got one of these parts.
So I go up to her one day and ask her if she wants me to play this character as a man or a woman, and she gives me this look like she is staring deep into the lesbian pit of my soul, and says, “It’s a masculine woman.” and then bugs her eyes out like she’s trying to give me a hint, and I’m just standing there like, well I am aware I’m a raging homo, but thanks for helping me out here. Probably my most awkward teacher experience to date.
I haven’t managed to tell my parents yet because I’m not good with talking about feelings in general, but when I was still living at home they found Autostraddle in the search history, mom borrowed my copy of Fingersmith, and dad and I watched Grey Matters together once.. So that’s a start right?
Even though your parents don’t live too far from you, I say you email them. I have the most homo-loving parents ever, but the idea of coming out to my parents AND learning to speak out loud about my feelings at the same time was way too much to handle. I could only do one thing at once. So I sent an email and seriously it was such a good call, it was the best call ever.
But do consider taking ambien just after you send it because waiting for a reply to a coming out email is PAINFUL.
Well, I’m the conservative sheep of my family and so I knew that coming out to my parents would be no problem whatsoever, but it was coming out to myself that took awhile. I came out first to a trusted mentor of mine who was kind of shocked but super nice and accepting, but then disowned me nine weeks later, successfully and completely crushing my soul.
Anywho, after picking up the pieces of myself I came out ~six months later to another mentor who was also a lesbian/academic and knew my parents. I put it very bluntly in a semi-desperate, “I need to tell my parents I’m gay and I don’t know what qualifies as a good or acceptable time. Also I just want them to know and I don’t want to talk about it any further.” She said, “Just tell them that.” I came out to my mother the day before Easter and she was thrilled, and on Easter night I told my dad and he was like, “Not surprised.”
I have a knack for over-thinking/dramatizing things that are really nbd in reality.
Now I’m kind of in hiding because my undergraduate institution, and especially my department, would frown a lot and not write me recommendations so I can move on. I am most definitely a sneaky gay.
I have two stories for ya. I came out after my younger sister, and no one cared, so I really didn’t have too many nerves about it. I came out to my straight sister first. It went like this:
Me to my not gay sister: Sis i’m a lesbian.
sister: You’re kidding me! TWO gay sisters?! You’d think I’d have better gaydar…
Me; Grandma, i got divorced because i’m a lesbian.
Gma: Oh i know. I already told your grandpa.
Then she went in and told the entire rest of my family. Then my cousin ran in the room shouting “mom! Mom! You have to take me to the hospital right now! I’ve been farting rainbows, I think I caught the gay!” My family is a bunch of jokers. I have a feeling they were thinking up what funny things they were going to say in the event someone else came out in my family.
I slowly came out to my mom, sister, and friends during 9th and 10th grade. I knew they weren’t going to care, so beyond my “I AM 14 AND SO INSECURE IT IS PAINFUL” feelings, I wasn’t worried about it. I thought I had come out to my dad and my step-mom as well, but about two years later, I found out this was NOT THE CASE.
I helped run my school’s GSA, and one day in junior year, I was chatting with my dad and step-mom about how it was a bit silly that most of the people in the club were straight. The following conversation went something like this:
Dad: I know x, y, and z aren’t straight… who else?
Me: Really, Dad? Me. It’s me.
Parents: *look confused*
Me: Did you not know?
Parents: *uncomfortable shrug*
Me: Guys, I’ve been talking about how attracted I am to women for YEARS.
Step-Mom: Yeah, well, we didn’t want to make assumptions! We thought you were just… free-spirited!
Things were kind of awkward for about five minutes, but then we went and got Indian food, so it was an A+ night overall.
I’m Gay!!!!! That was easy. Now only if it was that easy to my parents lol
My favorite coming out stories:
1. I told my mom during a fight we were having over my grades. We were in the car on the way to synchronized swimming practice, and right as we were rounding the corner to the pool parking lot I said something like “YOU JUST WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M GOING THROUGH!!!!” And she said, “Um, that? Please. You think I didn’t know about that?” Talk about your anticlimaxes.
2. I held off from telling my mother’s parents because they are conservative Catholics. I didn’t (and still don’t) care what they think, but I didn’t want to cause problems for my mom.
When I was a freshman in college and newly dating my partner (yep, we’re one of those couples who has been together since we were teens), my mom asked if it would be okay for her to tell them. I said that was fine, I didn’t really feel super connected to them anyway and I was only holding out for her benefit.
So she goes to visit, and from the beginning their homophobic shit-stirring starts. Any news item that can even be remotely drawn back to “the queers” becomes a giant rantfest. Couple that with the fact that they wouldn’t stop asking when I was going to get a boyfriend…
Near the end of the trip, my mom finally exploded at them all in an incredibly ungraceful manner, saying “Those queers you keep talking about? THAT INCLUDES YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER.” Needless to say, that didn’t end well for anyone involved. Cue my grandparents railing against “that older woman” who had clearly seduced me to the dark side (to be fair, she is older than me… by about 13 weeks…) and my uncle telling my mom that she should send me to “one of those ex-gay camps.” Lovely.
3. My partner didn’t come out to her parents because she was worried it would jeopardize the money they were giving her for school. However, we still lived together. After a couple years of this, my partner’s dad called us.
“I’ve been in a car accident,” he said. “Head-on collision.”
She said, “Oh no! Is everything okay?”
He said, “Oh, I’m fine. The car’s totaled, but oh well. By the way, is Dina your girlfriend?”
Luckily, they didn’t cut her off, although things were tense for a while!
“Any news item that can even be remotely drawn back to “the queers” becomes a giant rantfest.”
Hilarious, mostly since we all know such people. Sorry about your grandparents acting like douches there.
Unfortunately it’s their default setting, but oh well. I live on a different continent from them and they’re afraid of devil computers, so I win in the end!
SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMING? man oh man i love synchro. it is pretty much the most homoerotic sport ever and i get to stare at toned buts in high cut sequined swimsuits underwater for extended periods of time, and no one ever questions. oh yeah.
YESSSSS! This is the first time I’ve ever said this publicly, but… I’ve realized over the last couple of years that I started doing synchro mainly because I had a crush on the coach’s daughter. Didn’t realize that’s what was going on at the time, mind, and she’s ridiculously hyper Christian straight girl so it never would have happened anyway, but… yeah! Good times!
And you are not wrong about it being the most homoerotic sport evar.
My Coming Out Story, or How My Mormon BFF Outed Me to a Good Portion of the Senior Class at 3 AM Ellen-Style
So, a bunch of people from my high school were playing the night-game Sardines, where one person hides in somewhere in the neighborhood and everyone else tries to find them and hide with them and the last person to find them loses. My best friend and I were working together to find the sardine. We walked into someone’s backyard, where they had a boat behind a fence on the side of the house. It was pretty dark, so when we looked under the boat, we didn’t see the sardine hiding there.
After ten minutes or so of searching, we didn’t seem to have any luck. Out of desparation, we started yelling out things that would either surprise or upset the girl who was the sardine in hopes that she would gasp and make her presence known. I started to yell that I had a super special secret (my homogayness) for her if she would just help us find her location. I’d forgotten that I’d already come out to her, so then in my wisdom, I was like, “Oh wait, never mind. Hahaha, you already know.”
This piqued my BFF’s interest and she asked me what this secret was. I was all, “Meh, it doesn’t matter,” but she kept pushing me about it. This is the part of the story where I remind you that she is super Mormon and I was afraid of her reaction to “the news” and so I didn’t come out to her first. Or second. Or, yeah….
By this time, we’d circled the block and were on the other side of that fence with the boat behind it. My BFF continued to push and I continued to resist Borg style (you know, futile and all that.) Eventually she’d had enough and pinned me to the fence, her hands on the boards behind either side of my head. “Come on, you can tell me, I’m your best friend!”
“Fine. I’m gay”
Fifty little gasps filtered through the slats. Everyone else had managed to find the sardine in a timley fashion and they were all on the other side of the fence listening to my little confession.
This would make such an amazing movie scene!! Just saying!
My most awkward coming out was when I told my best friend. I did it our junior year of college, while she was studying abroad in Costa Rica and I was still at school. We went to Smith, so I knew it wasn’t going to be a big deal, but we just hadn’t talked about it yet. Conversation that ensued was hilarious…
Me (sitting alone in my dorm room): I’m gay.
Friend (sitting in internet cafe with terrible connection while trucks are rumbling by on the street and kids are yelling in the background): WHAT?
Me: I’M GAY
Me (yelling at top of lungs): I’M GAY!
Friend: OH. COOL.
Well I first came out to my boyfriend at the time and needless to say, we broke up because of it. I told my mom that we had broken up, but refused to tell her why over the phone and that I’d tell her when I saw her in person next week. [Oddly enough, one of her guesses was “Is Clark gay?” and I blurted out laughing.]
Anyways, next week I’m with her and we’re staying at a friend’s place and the topic comes up while we’re finishing up breakfast. She was teasing me how I wouldn’t tell her and then I’m like “KAY FINE, but just you and me”. We walked into the small guest bathroom and I’m just standing there fidgeting, repeating “Uhm, uhm…” like a dumbass while she’s sitting on the toilet starting at me for 5 minutes.
Me: “Uhm sorry… Okay… so, uhm, I’m gay”
Mom: *starts laughing and gives me a hug* “Oh honey, you know I would never care about that, and I probably made you gay, which is fine” (Many of her best friends were gay throughout her life)
And thus we proceeded to laughing like dorks about how I was being silly. All this in a tiny bathroom mind you. I <3 my mom.
First time I told any of my friends was while I was high in a tent… sorta just blurted out "I THINK I'M A LESBIAN" (this is very typical of me, I HAVE NO SHAME) and their reaction was literally "Cool, well we knew you were never straight Ko."
I told my friend and he accepted the whole thing..
friend- I just realized… I once had this dream with you and (other friend) making out and now i realize this could actually happen!
me- ._. …
Same friend days later
friend- You know I get this whole gay thing, I mean its probably what it was like when I found out I was really into bondage.
me- I dont think its the same.
I came out to a co-worker a a couple months ago. I was on my laptop and on facebook and autostraddle at the time and she came over to chat. she was talking about boy problems she had had and then she asked me what type of guys I dated, I told her I didn’t date much. She asked if I had any pic so I showed her a couple ex girlfriends! She just burst out laughing. It was a great conversation!
I came out to my family as bi a month ago, and it largely went well! Highlights for your amusement:
After dinner at my parents’ as I’m running out the door to meet friends:
Me: Um, Mom, I have something to tell you – I date women and men.
Mom: …. oh. oh. …. Well. Drive safely.
The next day we had a really funny conversation where she asked if my cheating ex-boyfriend had made me queer, if I was now more likely to get AIDS, if I was terribly messed up as a teenager, and if I was currently “having an affair with a woman”. An affair! those were her exact words.
Coming out is obviously awkward and weird b/c it always is, but I’m lucky to have parents who love me no matter what, even if they express that love through veeerrryyy dated misperceptions of sexuality/gender. Education isn’t just for us college kids! :)
I came out to my mom some time in January of this year. Just to give some background: My mom’s a Christian with a capital ‘C’ and I’ve always been fairly active in our church while struggling with coming to terms with my sexuality.
It was an awkward conversation that I started by asking her what she thought of homosexuality. I began sobbing because I was so scared, but she comforted me and kept pronouncing homosexuality with the emphasis on the ‘homo’ (she’s Korean) so it was hard for me not to laugh through all my crying. The part I’ll never forget though:
Me: “Mom… do you think that I’m going to hell…?”
Mom: *She starts crying for the first time in our conversation and lifts up her hands* “As a mother, I’ve done everything that I’ve can to guide you, pray for you, and love you. The rest is up to you. Just know that I love you and that I’m on your side. If someone wants to say bad things about you, I’ll always be proud to say that you’re my daughter.”
My dad and I never formally talked about it because my mom said that she’d tell him for me.
They’re not totally open to talking about my gayness, but I’m okay with that we’ve never been a real let’s-talk-about-our-feelings type of family :)
As for my friends? All but one of my close friends were chill/supportive about it. My friend James responded with:
“Dude… we can look at hot chicks together now!”
Yes. Hot chicks FTW.
I tried coming out when I was 17. I kinda liked this chick and I mean the first make out session I ever had was when I was 10 and with a girl..so I’ve known for a while that I was atleast Bi.
I came home from school and decided it was time to tell my dad. He was in the kitchen making a bologna sandwich. I sat down across from him at the kitchen counter and before I could even finish saying “I need to talk to you” I started crying. My dad is a BIG Christian and I also love God and believe he loves me for me. I told my dad I like this girl and he proceeded to tell me that I “just like her as a friend and since she’s gay I took it for more than that” and also that “its just a phase”.
Just this year (age 20) my dad told me that he loves me but not my actions and would welcome any girl I would bring into his home without disrespect or mockery. I just responded with an OK. My closest friends and my younger cousin know. I wish I had the guts to fully come out as a Bisexual. I love my dad and thank him for finally giving me some hope that one day I will have the nerve.
Yea so coming out my mom was cake somehow we were on the conversation of having significant others and all I had to say was “mom, you do realize that you’re going to have all daughter in laws?” There’s 2 girls and 1 boy in my family and I’m in the middle, I figured if I’m goin down I was taking my older sister with me….it was great…If you saw us you’d kno we were gay and I’m sure she knew but it was just finally confirmed.
Me: Hey Mom. How was your day?
Mom: Great. The petunias are really coming in. How was your golf match today?
Me: Good I mean I shot a 78 so it could have gone better but…Mom I need to tell you something.
Mom: Cor is this about Morgan?
Me: Well yeah but..
Mom: How you are dating her?
Me: Well yeah something like…well I am gay.
Mom: I already knew that.
Me: You did? (shocked)
Mom: Honey seriously? I knew when you brought your ballet teacher flowers because she was pretty when you were 12. You are what I like to call an early bloomer.
sometimes I hope my now almost-8-year-old sister turns out to be a giant dyke, just for my slightly homophobic father's amusement, ya know? two gay daughters?
anyhow, I grew suspicious of her when she repeatedly started telling me who she found SO PRETTY, and it were always women. I know, this could only mean that this little girl is interested in all things style and wardrobe; but one time she told me the music teacher on one of her sheets was SO PRETTY LOOK AT HER ISN'T SHE BEAUTIFUL.
yeah, it was a drawing of a woman, no colours, no pretty clothes, nothing. SO PRETTY.
maybe in 4 years time she'll bring her ballet teacher flowers, too.
I actually came out to my parents YESTERDAY. Bad timing, I know, but I go to boarding school and only come home on weekends. Anyway, I first told my mom I was bi and she said it was probably just a phase and I couldn’t know for sure at 17 until I’d actually been in a relationship. Despite this, I decided to tell my whole family. I told them over dinner.
Me: Guys, someone likes me.
Sister: Is it a boy?
Brother: That’s awkward.
Me: Not really, because I like girls.
Brother: I’m not surprised.
Dad: Your mother and I support and love you no matter what.
So, overall it wasn’t so bad. Now, if only I can only find a way to tell the girl who recently told me she likes me (whom I’ve been close friends with for three years and liked for almost that long) that I like her back, everything will be fine.
P.S. I love Autostraddle. This is my first time leaving a comment; I apologize to anyone who managed to read it that it’s so poorly written.
welcome! and congratulations on coming out!
France turned me gay so I got to come out to almost everyone at a distance.
And I decided it would be funny to send two of my good friends an e-card as a coming out. I found one with a turtle that I think was for National Coming Out Day, actually. Well, like two years later a mutual friend I didn’t know well then but am close to now told me he was there when they got the card and THEY DIDN’T GET IT. And he was sitting there going “Dude, your friend is a HOMO! What don’t you understand?!”
I told my mom after watching Imagine Me and You while rubbing her shoulders because I wouldn’t have to look at her and because my sister had told me she’d asked about me being gay I started with. “So, sis said you asked her if I was a lesbian.” “No I didn’t.” “Oh, shit.”
So I told her I was and she said “You know I love you no matter what honey, but you have such a cute figure.”
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
My friends/parents rock but I hate talking about my feelings so awkwardness was pretty much the #1 feeling in all my coming outs.
I want to find this e-card. I am out to everyone on the planet but this e-card is probably a good one just for fun, do you still have it?
Your Mom is cute, just saying.
I’m 99% sure that was it. I think the background music really makes it class.
I came out to my whole family on Facebook chat,only about 2-3 months ago because some of them had just moved countries and didn’t have a landline yet, or just didn’t have a landline.
My sister said that she had guessed, because I liked “those twin singers” so much, and I had gay hair. Thanks sister.
My brother said “Whoa. Mindfuck! All good though. How do I tag people into my status updates” which still cracks me up.
My youngest brother said similar about “the twin singers” and was all good with it. He was also mind fucked but we’re cool now.
My mum was pissed that I told her on FB chat but I think we’re ok now. My Dad (who is pretty crap at chatting on IM) typed out in capital letters the lyrics to a song he used to sing me when I was a wee thing, which made me cry. He then asked could he still make gay jokes. Bless.
Other coming out stories include – writing my now ex a letter and him being crazy ok with it, telling my best friend who never spoke to me again ( :( ) and the least dramatic is changing my “interested in” on Facebook to cover all bases. I don’t want no drama’s!
your family sounds amazing :)
I know that it doesn’t really matter… But are those twin singers the Veronicas? ‘Cuz they are amazing…
When I was sixteen I was really bored one school holiday. So I sent my friends a bulk text message, whic went something like: “Guys you should read this, it may be the most interesting message you get all holidays. I’m bi :) Yeah. See you on Monday.”
My favourite replies were “Did you fwd this from Kathy?” and “I should check my phone more often. That’s cool.” (about a week later).
Coming out never stops happening…it is always happening…we are always coming out always…but it gets easier/better/easier/better…and this happened:
me: Brad Pitt is good looking, that’s all I am saying.
straight female coworker: He is not, and as if you can say!
me: Jesus, of course I can say. what the hell?
straight male boss: Wait, what does she mean, as if you can say?
me: Oh, she is referring to my homosexuality. Apparently she thinks it means I cannot comment on how good looking Brad Pitt is. She’s crazy, he’s good looking.
boss: AHH! You’re gay! I called it. So do you want to go to the strip club with me after this dinner? You can be my wingman!
me: JESUS CHRIST!
Happy National Coming Out/Hug a Homo Day.
Well I came out to my parents yesterday. My dad took it amazingly and said everything you would ever want to hear. Made me love him even more. My mom kind of freaked out and started yelling in Spanish.
One of my favorite coming out stories is when I was going to tell my best friend who comes from a very conservative military family. We were at my friends birthday party and I had been planning on telling her that weekend while she was in town. So we had all been drinking and we were laying in the grass this is how it went
Me: We’re best friends right? Like no matter what?
Her: Of course
Me: Are you sure?
Me: No matter what?
Her: Are you a lesbian!?!?!?!
Me: yes. What the fuck how did you know?
Then she proceeded to tell me that this guy in high school who had been sort of dating this girl I used to be best friends with till be dropped me for being gay had told her.
Needless to say I have amazing friends.
In middle school: Came out as bi to my friends, but since that whole grunge/flannel thing was happening otherwise passed.
In high school: A friend described me during this time period as having the “All-American dyke aesthetic”. My school had a gay group which was comprised of all straight girls who wanted to get out of class and/or girls who people THOUGHT were gay so still got to go. I was not a part of this group (though I was invited).
College: I went to Smith College. Everyone sort of just assumes you’re game. I learned the word queer. I adopted the word queer.
My older brother: I got blindingly drunk when home one summer from college. Had to be reminded in the morning I said anything and then he was like “whatever makes you happy”. Thus, began his role as my surveillance on my parents for the next 5 or so years.
My parents: It was last year. I decided it was absurd that I was in my late 20s and out to everyone else, but my liberal, gay-friendly, over-educated parents. I told two of my best friends on Saturday I was going to do it on Tuesday so I would have to follow through. I had an hour to kill on Monday and called home on a whim. My dad was in a really chipper mood and I thought “strike while the iron is hot!” So we get to that point in the convo where he’s like ok, i don’t have anything else to say why are we still on the phone.
Me: Umm so I have something I’ve been meaning to tell you. I think you already know, but I thought I would just say it.
Me:I’m queer [I nearly pass out from the blood rushing to my head]
Dad: ok, um, ok. [pause] Well you’re mom’s not here right now. Do you want me to tell her?
Me: Um, yeah sure.
Dad:ok, I’ll have her call you later when she gets back.
I then go teach my sections for a few hours. I am waiting, literally staring at the phone. Finally I text my brother, who lives with my folks, being like “What is going on at home?? Tears?” and he replies “No, laughter” and I was like “whaa?” Apparently, my parents were joking about suing Smith College for diminished returns on grandkids. (they have the baby fever, glad my brother is getting all that heat now)
I think my brother tells my mom that I am expecting her call, so she finally does call me and we manage to have a ten minute conversation in which she does not use the word “gay” or “lesbian” once. I should note 1. my mom is classic reserved/awkward-about-personal-things British and 2. we just don’t talk about things like that in my family unless it’s the punchline to a bawdy joke. Anyway, at one point my mother says “Oh its just so nice to know that you have a…what do they call it… orientation.” So pretty much mom was like “thank god you wanna bang somebody!” She must have totally thought I was asexual because I refused to talk to her about relationship stuff and got all defensive (for now obvious reasons). Thanks mom.
Addendum: Unbeknownst to me at the time, Ricky Martin had also come out as gay the same day I did. Stealing my thunder Ricky!
Anyway, happy coming out week to you all! I’ve enjoyed reading all of the stories. Oh and if it wasn’t clear from above my parents were like ok, whatevs. Only major change: My mom now sends me clippings from the New Yorker and the Miami Herald about lesbians/gay stuff.
“Next thing I know, there was a beat and then my mom busts out with ‘I THINK THAT’S A GREAT IDEA!'”
Taylor, you’re mom is amazing.
My mom had a bit of a similar reaction. She was totally surprised (she told me later she never would have guessed I was gay because I’ve always been so girly) and just smiled at me when I told her and told me she was “so happy to have a gay daughter.” Awesome, but still not quite sure what she meant by that.
She then proceeded to tell every member of my family that I’m close to the good news without telling me she was going to, so it was a little awkward for me to find out that my grandfather’s girlfriend knew I was gay after spending the week with her and the topic never coming up.
Supportive family members are great. My mom is amazing. But it felt a bit more like she was the one coming out. And now over a year later I know no gay people (I live in a very closeted conservative community), my whole family knows I’m gay and I only had to come out to my mom. And I have no practice coming out and no idea how to broach the subject with friends and strangers. But I love my family.
Any advice out there on how to find other lesbians? Because I’m struggling a bit.
No advice/Sorry. I am living in Queer Black Hole, IL. I’m told there are lesbians here but I have yet to spot one (over the age of 18, haha). I hear ya.
Do you mind me asking where in IL? I’m in the Rockford area.
I’m living in Queer Black Hole, MN. So close and yet so far. Hugs?
oh my goodness, my mom did this too! And at the time I had told her I wasn’t even sure what I identified as
She told my grandparents that I “might be a lesbian” and my grandpa was like ok whatevs and my grandma was like “well don’t encourage her!” Anyway I eventually told my mom to please stop coming out for me :P
Haha. Yeah I had to ask my mom to stop coming out for me, too. I just couldn’t quite share her enthusiasm over the whole thing.
I was outed by one of my male gay bff’s. me and all of my friends were drunk at a party. a couple of my girl-friends were talking about how they needed to get laid soon, that it had been too long. then one of them turns to me and asks me “i don’t know how you do it, its been like 8 months since you broke up with (my ex-boyfriend)” then my gay friend blurts out “what are you talking about she just boned [insert our female philosophy teacher’s name] last night!”
So then i just went on a loud drunken rant: “ya i’m gay, im so fucking gay. i HATE cock, i don’t want it in or around my mouth. i never want to see a penis up close again.” lol
I came out to my (good liberal told me gay people existed and were fine when I was eight) mom five years ago, when I was sixteen. We recently actually sat down and had a conversation about all of the explanations she came up with for why I was actually straight, or should pretend to be:
I wasn’t bi, I was supportive of gay rights and wanted to identify out of solidarity.
I was confused. Thinking a woman was beautiful was not the same thing as wanting to sleep with her. Enjoying sleeping with a woman was… not something she wanted me to keep talking about.
Maybe I was a little attracted to girls, but I would have been happily closeted and ‘straight’ if I didn’t have daddy issues (and I shouldn’t be out because then straight girls would worry I was hitting on them and not want to be friends with me).
Maybe I was more than a little attracted to girls, but when she overheard me telling someone I was vaguely bi-curious but from the lesbian end, she soon realized that what I actually meant was I was more interested in girls because I could pursue them and had to wait for guys to pursue me. And I should stop wearing my ‘dykey’ boots, no man was going to be interested in me in them, at least I still had long hair oh god was I going to cut it off next?!? (for the record, although I’ve recently started experimenting a bit, I am incredibly femme).
I told her I wasn’t going to stop being queer, and yes it’s funny that when we toured a women’s college when I was fifteen I didn’t want to go there because I thought it would be full of lesbians, hahaha, that was six years ago, stop bringing it up, if the supreme court decides to be awesome she’ll probably end up with a daughter-in-law one day. She said ok, and then she went out of town for two weeks. I am really looking forward to the explanations I’m sure she’ll have come up with by the time she comes back.
I think that sometimes the theory of being gay and the actual reality of having a gay child can cause a disconnect for some parents. If you think about it, she’s almost going through a period of mourning – she expected a certain life for you and thought she understood your feelings and motivations, and both of those things have been crushed. So there’s a period of adjustment for some otherwise queer-friendly parents, from what I’ve seen.
I’m sure she’ll come around. :)
I say give her a year and if she still acts crazy after that, it’s time for an Intervention.Oh wait, I just re-read your comment… it’s been five years? Lord. I’m sorry. >_<
This may be relevant to your collective interests: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Daughters_Sons.pdf
Good luck <3
Oh and this one too: http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/BisexualityResourcePacket.pdf
In my family we analyze everything. This was pretty much the exact conversation I had with my Mom in the car after I told her.
Mom: Is this because you have no friends and have never dated? So many boys like you. You are so pretty. Are you saying you were born this way? Do you want to be a boy?
Me: No. I just like girls. I tried ignoring it, but I can’t.
Mom: Are you sure? Have you been hurt by men? Do you hate Dad? So you have been lying to me this whole time. I feel betrayed. I thought we were close.
Me: Mom that is the ONLY thing I have ever lied to you about.
*We are a VERY open family. This really was the one thing I never told them.
The next day, my BOTH my parents cried telling me that my homosexuality was their fault, and that they were sorry they damaged me.
That was this summer. Since then, Mom told me to try and stop thinking about girls, and I might find men attractive.
I tried for a week, but went crazy. All the girls at my campus wear shorts up their ass, and it is terribly distracting. The guys are nice and all, but I dislike consciously attempting to want to get intimate with then. Ew.
Not having sexual thoughts about the ladies is difficult. Since the summer, when I notice I am thinking too much about Olivia Wilde or hot underwear models, I do push-ups until my arms get weak. I can now do one set of ONE-HUNDRED push-ups non-stop. Damn sexual frustration! On the plus side, I now have awesomely toned arms.
My parents still don’t believe me. They tried buying me a TON of stuff, like clothes in order to make the gay go away.
This situation is really not neato to be in.
Dude, tell your parents whatever you’d like, but don’t feel like you have to repress your gay feelings! That’s just messed up and sad.
The link I gave in response to Naomi’s comment right above this one is also relevant to your interests.
My dad walked in on my girlfriend and I in a…erm… very compromising position on the couch one night. Like, naked compromising. It was terribly awkward. My poor girlfriend ran out of the house and fell on her face and broke her toe. I was too embarrassed to run. My (VERY Catholic) parents and I had a long talk that night. A few days later my mom came up to me and told me that she loved and supported me no matter what. As for my dad, one morning he walked out into the kitchen as I was pouring myself a bowl of Lucky Charms and announced, “Well, I did some research and I found that the risk of getting STDs is a lot lower between lesbian partners, but I want you to be safe, ok?”
I think that means he’s okay with it.
Federal election before last, Steve Fielding (arsehole) asked my mother to run for Family First (arseholes). I decided that if she accepted the nomination, I’d come out publicly and undermine the entire campaign. In the process of cooking up my harebrained scheme, I came out to a few friends who were like SWEET I LIKE BOOBS TOO!
In the end she declined the nomination, and I stayed ensconced in my little closet for a few more years until Jan 1st this year when I came home pissed as a newt from a NYE party and spilled it to her while crying my eyes out.
She hugged me, said “that explains a lot”, and we’ve never spoken of it again.
My best friend came to visit me at school, we got hammered in NYC, and I told her over champagne. She said that she basically already knew because of dropped relationships, etc. Then, we brilliantly drunk-dialed my parents in GA to share the news of her acceptance…at 4:30AM. Not the best idea, but at least I got the job done. :)
Also, I feared (more than anything, ever) coming out to my ultra-conservative dad, and he took it like a champ. He didn’t miss a beat. I still get the chills thinking about it, but he actually joined PFLAG. I know this kind of experience can be rare, but I regret underestimating his strength of character.
I had the typical Irish-Catholic reaction from my family:
1. YOU ARE NOT GAY. (Yes, I am). NO, YOU ARE NOT. (Yes, I am). This went on for a lonnnng time.
2. OH GOD, DON’T TELL ANYONE (this was all yelled, hence the caps).
3. YOU KNOW, IF YOU TELL PEOPLE YOU’RE GAY, YOU’LL NEVER GET A BOYFRIEND. (um, you’re missing the point of being gay, mum..)
3. Sworn silence. Threatened with being kicked out of home unless I kept quiet about it. (Why did I decide to do this when I’d just turned 17? Autostraddle peeps, you’re totally right, if you think your parents will react badly, then DON’T come out if you don’t have independent money/place to live/etc)
4. Was sent to a shrink. Shrink concluded after a few sessions that I was not unhinged, and was actually gay. Parents ignored this conclusion.
5. Silence for approximately a decade (after which point, my incredibly patient gf of 6 years was finally introduced to my parents, who are now feeling excessively guilty for their actions).
On the good side of things, in that decade things have changed a lot, not just for my parents, but the society they live in (e.g. civil partnerships). That’s pretty nice to see (still doesn’t mean I’ll ever actually GO BACK to ireland. yikes.).
It does actually get better, even if it starts out crappy.
the most awkward coming out I had was when I told my father. I had already been out to my mom and my friends for 7 years and even my stepmother knew before him.
that summer he was obsessed with a german soccer player, obsessed as in carrying around a picture of him in his wallet.
!HOMO ALERT, DAD, JUST SAYING!
he wanted me to marry the guy and wouldn’t stop talking about it. so, one night when we went out I decided that that would be it, I would do it.
I was really nervous and hadn’t thought it through, but I knew I didn’t want to start with something like “I have to tell you something”, so naturally I took a deep breath and went: “Dad, I have to tell you something!”
my father looked at me, completely shocked, and said:
“OMG YOU HAVE CANCER.” uhm. he didn’t even go with “pregnant” first.
So, I told him I wasn’t sick, not that I knew of, I mean I don’t know what you think, dad, but NO, I AM NOT SICK…
I like girls.
he didn’t look me in the eye, his mouth looked like a schweppes commercial and after one or two minutes of awful awkward silence he said: “me too”
yeah. then we had an even more awkward conversation in which he said that he didn’t think I would provide for grandchildren because he didn’t think “this” was a good thing and when I told him I liked a certain female soccer player he said “that’s good, so you like men after all.”
thankyouverymuch, asshat. I’ll give him 5 more years to adjust, though.
and I had come out to my sign language class last week…
when a girl in the class who I highly suspect to be a lesbian as well had to ask me about my most recent holidays…
she ended up asking me if there were beautiful men in Ireland and I truthfully answered “I don’t care”, to the amusement of the whole class.
she then proceeded to ask me about the women, and I answered ever so truthfully again “yes”.
needless to say that the class was dying of laughter at that point and that I was a hot red mess.
I came out to my parents last night via email. In retrospect, I probably would have slept better last night if I had told them in person because waiting for their emails back was way worse than when I waited for the 3rd Harry Potter book to come out.
I woke up (from my two hours of sleep) with two very nice emails from both of my parents being as accepting as I could ever have hoped. Now I feel like I have to tell most of my friends… urgh. Coming out really is a process… not an event.
Oh Lord, I can’t even imagine the anxiety you must’ve felt waiting for their replies. Kudos to you for doing it though :D *high five*
Coming out to my mom:
Me: Mom, I have something really important to say to you, and I want to share it with you because I known that you love me and everything will be fine. I’m gay.
Mom: Oh, is that all! I thought it was something worse, like you didn’t love me anymore!
Coming out to my friend:
Me: Hey, I need to tell you something.
Friend: OK, sure, let’s go over here.
Me: I think I’m gay.
Friend: I think you are too.
I put off telling my Mum for nearly three years I was so terrified of talking about it. My family is useless at talking about our feelings or pretty much anything personal so I figured I would just blurt it out over our game of scrabble to make it as quick as possible:
Mum: 225 to 178. I’m afraid your still a loser hahaha!
Me: Uhm. Mum. You know Megan? Well we have been seeing each other… for quite a long time.
Mum: So… do you have… lesbian tendencies?
Me: I am bi actually.
Mum: That’s fine. Another game?
My coming out process began in May of this year and really, I don’t know where the fuck all this courage came from, but from May 15th to yesterday, I went from one person knowing to EVERYONE knowing.
First person I told my was mentor/second mother/favorite person ever. We were driving home from a short trip, and I don’t know why I suddenly felt the need to announce this, but I said, “Hey, you know? I, uh…really like the ladies.” It’s a good thing I was driving, because she spazzed and yelled, “OH MY GOD THIS IS GREAT I LOVE LESBIANS.” And that was that.
I told my best friend a few weeks later, at TGI Fridays. I couldn’t say the words, for some reason, so I texted her even though I was sitting right next to her. She said that it didn’t make any difference to her, and then she immediately wanted to know my type. I started to explain the things that I like in a person, like qualities and traits and whatnot, and she said, “No, seriously, how big do her boobs have to be?”
I told my parents in August. They are super Christiany Christians. They could not accept it from a Biblical standpoint, and my dad said, “well, okay, so you have these feelings, but…just promise me that you won’t have SEX with a woman?” No dad, sorry, this whole conversation? This is me telling you that I LOVE vaginas. Aside from that, they said that they would always love me and would always defend me fiercely if anyone was ever cruel to me, and that I should expect that people will be. That I should understand what a difficult life I’m ‘choosing’. There was some sweet, sappy, “We’ll love anyone you love and treat them as our own child, and any grandchildren you give us will be spoiled rotten, etc.” I cried a lot, we hugged, the end.
I came out to ALL OF FACEBOOK yesterday. My status said, “Candice is pretty gay, FYI.” Good times. I did one of those HRC statuses a few hours later. Approximately 40 people “like” my homogayness and there were many “I’m so fucking proud of you!” comments. It was just a rainbow lovefest all day. There was one instance of what I am pretty sure was passive-aggressiveness with an old colleague, whose status a few minutes later was, “X is NOT surprise. Not surprise AT ALL. I called it WAY back in the day!” How nice.
I think I’ve told this story before but what the hell. My mother liked to ask me once a year if I was a lesbian and I always said “no” until the one year that I finally said “yes”. She was not pleased and asked, “What was it Vik? Was I too butch for you?!”
I came out to my bestfriends when I was 17, I had this huge melodramatic love affair thing witha girl who stomped all over my heart etc etc, ( no prizes for guessing she’s straight now) and had been keeping them in th loop of th drama but always careful to use non gender specific terminology (i.e omfgyouguyshertitsareamazing) and used her initials LB if I needed to use a name.. So any way I was out gettin hammered with my 2 besties C & R, I finally plucked up courage to tell them but individually.
I didn’t want to say I’m gay because I didn’t know myself so my part kinda went.. “y’know LB,well ther first name is laura … (waits for impending doom and no friendships for th rest of my secondary education)
C is the street wise one and was like ‘o right, cool how are things with LB then??’
R is the seriously brainy one but omfg she’s dense about real life, she waited a beAt and with immense confusion on her face, so much so it looked like it was causing her pain, responded with ‘ but, but lauras a girls name ??!!!?? ‘ 5 secs later ‘ooooooh!!!, ok cool, I wondered what that intials malarky was about!! ‘
the only funi story I have is one night I was out I told some random guy that I was bi-sexual (god only knows why)..
He looked at me in horror and said ” u have a dick???!!”
I laughed in his face and walked away, shit I never did correct him… :o
I came out to everyone a few weeks ago. I was at a sleepover (in a tent. We’re 17 and crazy.) and I was just like “I’m gay”. They were all “didn’t we know that already?” There was much “OMG WHO IN OUR SCHOOL YEAR DO YOU THINK IS HOT?” which was cool.
I then told my parents, who were also cool about it. Especially my Dad who already knew after friending me on facebook…where my “Interested in” was already set to Women. Umm, yeah.
And then I came out to EVERYONE via Facebook. They were mostly awesome with it, and now we play Fuck-Marry-Kill and when it’s my turn they just say women, which I love.
My gran: “So your brother’s got a girlfriend?”
My gran: “He seems to be much more interested in the opposite sex than you are”
Me: “Hehe, yeah”
That’s all we needed to say because my gran is totally awesome! XD
being in foster care as a teenager, i had a lot of coming outs, good and bad.
one social worker, when i told her, told me that i should really think more about it, that if i let the “phase” continue, that i’d ruin my life. i was grouped in with “unplaceables” which were teenagers that spent the day in the DSS office and every night in different houses and group homes and sometimes detention centers and state hospitals when there was no where. the group was trans kids, openly gay kids and kids with serious drug or violence problems. i had to fight tooth and nail to stay in my small perfect high school, because it was far away from some foster homes. I got asked again if i was gay a month or so later and i said no like a jellyfish. i got more permanent placements, it was easier to stay in school. i would feel foster homes out for a while, see what they said when LGBT things were mentioned and mostoft find out whey were homophobic. everyone hates in a different way. so many different homophobias.
i was in a pretty good place once, with a woman who had a gay, gay-married daughter who i never met but only heard good things about- and i saw a girl kicked out of her house because the woman took her phone, read her text messages and found out she had a girlfriend.
i lived in a no internet, no freedom, hell hell hell hell hell house, and had a terrible/awesome experience coming out to this schizophrenic, scary woman, and i got out of her crazy hoarder house. i was 17 then, and the state had no where to put me. i moved into an apartment. i had a great roommate, but and her controlling, borderline abusive boyfriend was militantly anti-gay, so i kept it a secret again. i was running off to the city and going to protests and making gay friends and no one knew. then one day i took her to panera and said
“you know all those times i said ‘if i were gay, i’d totally have sex with that girl’? well, i would have sex with them, in real life. i’m gay. completely gay.” and she was 100% surprised and we laughed and it was funny and we were closer and it was totally not a deal at all and her (now ex) boyfriend doesn’t hate gay people anymore because i made him “see the light” (his words).
coming out is more fun now, no matter what the reaction (though i live in a very liberal place/state/region, so direct negativity is rare).
i see it this way- you’re either loved, or you’re better. some people will accept you and some won’t. if they don’t, you’re better than their fear and better than their hate. and if you’re better, there’s no harm helping those below to get there. even if you can’t be out, be the best person you can be, whatever your definition of best.
>>i see it this way- you’re either loved, or you’re better. some people will accept you and some won’t. if they don’t, you’re better than their fear and better than their hate. and if you’re better, there’s no harm helping those below to get there. even if you can’t be out, be the best person you can be, whatever your definition of best.>>
This is so beautiful.
I’m so sorry to hear about some of the crap you went through. The foster system is really effed up, and I hadn’t ever thought about homophobia/transphobia in the foster system (other than in places where gay people can’t be foster parents) but I can’t say it surprises me, sadly. :/
My mom was the first to out me when I was 17 or 18.
She took me out to lunch at our favorite local Chinese buffet and we’re sitting there eating and she asks me,
“So when are you going to tell me?”
Me: “When am I going to tell you what?”
Mom: “About your feelings for (insert friend’s name here).”
Me: “What are you talking about?
Mom: “I know.”
Me: (tears streaming down my cheeks) “You seriously decided to do this in public?!”
Mom: “When were you planning on telling me?”
Me: “How did you find out?”
Mom: Remember when you weren’t getting text messages and you needed me to call into Verizon to get it fixed? All your messages came through.”
Me: “…fuck. You caught me.”
Mom: “I had you pegged as a lesbian by the time you were 9 years old.”
But she was really cool about it and empathized by telling me she was friends with a girl in high school who was straight and then met one girl and that girl changed her life forever. And while she still has a lot of questions regarding homosexuality from a Christian stand point, she’s been very accepting of it besides the fact that she really wants grandkids one day. But we’re both in agreement that I’d be more likely to adopt kids than have my own so she’s cool with it.
But I think my parents definitely knew before I did because my step dad used to drop hints all the time saying, “I’d love to have a lesbian daughter. I think that’d be the coolest thing ever.”
And my mom saved me the hassle of coming out to my family – she did it for me and they only talk about it with her, so they’re kind of in denial, at least while I haven’t spoken about it with them myself. But I met a guy that I absolutely adore and so they’re totally cool right now thinking there’s a possibility of biological children in their future. So maybe I’m bi? But I still like women at like a 90/10 female/male ratio. He’s just too good to pass up though.
My most memorable was with an ex-bf.
Me: I’m gay
Him: But….you’re a girl.
Me: Er yeah and I like other girls.
Him: Look I know you have lots of gay friends but that doesn’t make you gay.
I have decided that I will never come out to my family…ever! My parents are uber-religious zealots and African to boot. I once came out to my sister when I was 15 and she cried. Being that we are very close, and still are, I thought it would be alright and cool between us, but alas. She pretends that we never had the conversation about my orientation and even ’til now, we don’t talk about it. I’m never going to do it again just because it’s too much hurt and they don’t HAVE to know about me, do they? No one comes up to me and says, “Hey, I’m straight and I hope you still love me for the person I am.”
Do what you have to do. You know what’s best for you.
The first person I (half way) came out to was my best friend at the time; we were both 13. It was pretty awesome because I sort of used it to to my advantage. The conversation went something like this:
“So am I.”
“No way… then prove it!”
She finally proved it later that night… and I got my first kiss, but nothing really ever came of it except maybe one more night of making out and fondling. Although I did end up sleeping with her older sister five years later. Oops.
The coming out to my mother when I was 18 wasn’t as nice. I come from a very small and close-minded redneck town. The reason I came out (again only half way) was because my mom was sleeping with a local tattoo artist who was also sleeping with a girl that I was sleeping with. Gross, I know. One night I broke down and finally told her that “I’m bi.” and she just looked at me, tears streaming down her face, and said, “I love you, but that’s not what I wanted for my children.” She took it pretty rough. Throughout my entire life she always said to us kids, “You can be anything, but just don’t be gay.” She must have said that at least fifty times during my childhood. Needless to say, it was pretty damn hard to finally come out. She denied it for quite a while, but she had to finally face it when I came home to visit from Berkeley and had my new girlfriend with me. Four and a half years later and I’m still with my girl and my mom still wishes I were with a boy and secretly asks me about past boyfriends in such ways as, “Do you think you’d still be with ‘that boy’ if you weren’t with your girlfriend?” Sigh. It’s not too bad, I mean, it could be much worse.
My grandma took it great. I actually think she likes my girlfriend more than me, haha.
I’ve been slowwwwwly coming out over the past…however many years. Four I think.
First over IM to my best friends (at separate times, and I told the conservative one I was only bisexual) when I was thirteen. Then, my mum sent my little sister out of the room so we could have this lovely conversation when I was fifteen:
Her: ‘Honey, please listen to me. I think you think you might be gay, and that you have a crush on [girlfriend]’ (and she did that thing where her voice got kinda high-pitched and teary)
Me: ‘Uh, I’ve been dating [girlfriend] for three months now.’
Her: ‘…Oh. Well, I’m glad we can talk about this! Also you can’t have her in your room ever again.’
I made my sister cry when I came out. She literally said (through tears) ‘But you’re the last person I would have expected!’ But then we had the most civil and honest conversation we’ve ever had and now she gets super excited about LGBT rights victories which is cute.
My friends were mostly ‘good for you two!’ (my girlfriend also happens to be my best friend). One of them who is super conservative needed a few weeks to get over it but as long as I don’t bring it up she’s cool. The other super-conservative one, amusingly, is just so excited that there’s actual romance in her general vicinity that she’s made an exception to her ‘People shouldn’t be gay’ rule. Small victories.
I haven’t come out on Facebook/to the general public yet since my girlfriend is SUPER PARANOID about being bullied even though I’ve tested the waters (ironically via anonymous-question-time in Christian Studies) and pretty much everyone either doesn’t care or thinks homophobia is stupid. Besides, I go to an all-girls school where basically everyone acts gay.
I finally came out last week, a week before coming out week, haha.
I went with the Pride Alliance at my university to this cabin my school owns in the mountains that they rent out to student groups, which was basically lets stick lots of gay people in a cabin and see how drunk we can get them! Lots of firsts happened for me that weekend and I was on the way home with a few of my friends (including the girl I like who likes me but has a girlfriend aksldjfadsf) and I was like, “I should come out to my mom!” I knew I wouldn’t have the same courage to do it if I waited till we got all the way back to school, so my friend told me to call right there. She didn’t answer and I was going crazy. We stopped at a IHOP on the way back and as we sat down at the table, my mom called back so my friend walked with me outside. I found out she was in the car with my dad, but I knew I had to say it anyway. I wanted her to ease it out for me– to ask what I had done that weekend and whatever, but even when I told her I went with the Pride Alliance, she didn’t react at all which annoyed me because I needed her to ask about it! Finally I just said, “Mom, I’m bisexual” and first she was like, “You’re telling me this on the phone while I’m in the car?!” and then she told me it wasn’t a surprise and she loved me and supported me no matter what and all that good stuff. She also told me that my brother told her a few years ago because he saw it on Facebook, but I’m not out on Facebook and never was so I’m still not sure how that happened…
So that’s my very, very recent story!
I came out to my parents this coming out day. Not on purpose though…I didn’t realize until after the fact. It was also thanksgiving weekend in Canada. Hooray for awkward family gatherings!
It was VERY necessary though. I’m graduating and moving home in two weeks and it had gotten to the where I couldn’t be around them without some serious anxiety/panic attacks. I knew my dad wouldn’t care, but I was more worried about my mom (based on some the remarks she makes).
Me: “There is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about for a while now. I need to tell you now because I need to know that when I move home everything will be okay”
Dad: “That’s okay. Some people are. You know that we love you no matter what.”
Dad: “I bet you’re worried about telling your mom.”
Me: “Yeah. More than anything.”
Dad: “Your mom can be a bit emotional and sometimes she doesn’t say the most appropriate things, and she will probably have some questions, but she loves you. Everything will be OK.”
I don’t think I have ever loved him more than at that moment.
Everything went well with my mom too though. Even better than expected. Such a relief.
1st coming out:
friend: I…. have something to tell you.
friend: I’m bisexual, I have a girlfriend, and yeah.
me: Oh, I know.
friend: you know?! How do you know?
me: Gaydar. Dude, I’m gay too.
friend: NO WAY!
me: Yeah, I totes knew you were gay forever
Then I fell in love with her. And am still deeply in love with her.
2nd coming out:
DVD girl: So you want the third season of the L word?
DVD girl: okay
I totally prep to ask her out, but a group of guys come in, so I pay and go to leave after waiting for her to be free
DVD girl: One minute, I need to talk to you.
me: okay (FUCK YEAH), thats cool.
DVD girl, in private: You wanna go out sometime?
me: you… do know I’m gay, right?
DVD girl: yeah.
me: When and where, babe.
She’s now my girlfriend. I love her so much, but we need The Talk. *sigh*
3rd coming out:
brother: I can’t tell you guys anything cause you get all emotional and stop talking to people.
Me: Fine, I’ll start it. I drink and smoke.
Brother: I DO TOO! Also… I….uhhh….have a girlfriend.
Me: Awesome! Congratulations!! I uh…. I don’t think I should tell you this. You’ll over react
Brother: Come on, you know me
Me: Yeah, but this is major…
Brother: I’m ready….
Me: I’m gay, and I have a girlfriend too.
Brother: I just changed my mind about sending you pictures of my girlfriend.
Me: UGH, incest, fuck no, wth man.
Brother, laughing: I was just kidding with you. I always thought you might be, and mom…
Me: Mom is a totaly dyke.
Brother: What proof do you have?
Me: Gaydar. Flawless. Shes bisexual.
Brother: that explains a lot…
Best coming out ever, and now we discuss our chick problems, and complain about when they PMS at us, and suchlike. I love him to death <3 We might visit them, and then they'll visit us and maybe we'll even go couple camping. He's still unused to hearing me talk about her, but he said he's cool with it, and wouldn't be uncomfortable if we PDA'd in public (me and him don't over PDA, just a quick kiss on the lips before leaving our girls, etc.)
Me: I wanted to tell you something…
My sister: (joking) What, are you gay?
Me: (shocked) Yeah!
My sister: What? I was kidding! I thought you were gonna tell me you were pregnant!
Turns out she was ok with it in theory, not so much in reality. It’s better now though.
I came out yesterday to my sister via facebook message. Her reaction:
(5 minutes later)
“O.K. so I just scrolled down and a really lesbian looking woman (no offence intended) was cheering you on so I thought, “maybe she’s serious, but she wouldn’t tell me by FB” in which case my last message would be really rude. Anyway, if you’re gay Go Baby, Go! sit real close to [brother-in-law] just to make him nervous (he thinks homosexuality is a disease) and maybe in your next life don’t tell me these things by FB. If you’re not, forget this message and read the first one I sent.
Love you whichever the answer is.”
I love my sister so much.
Early 2009, I’m on my study abroad abroad year from uni and my family come to visit. My brother and I are out at a bar. My brother’s five years younger than me, although he’s always been about ten years more street smart and sex forward. His love life is basically the Skins storyline, off the small screen and In Real Life. But, even so, he’s still five years younger than me and, up til this point, we’ve never exactly discussed Gay Stuff.
But, this night, my girlfriend’s in the bar, too. I know he’s going to be cool and shrug his shoulders and say whatever, but I decide it’s time to get discussing, anyway. We go outside and sit on some steps. (This isn’t such a soap opera move as it might sound, because it’s warm-ish, and so lots of people are outside and sitting around on the steps.)
I’m nervous, even though I know he’s going to do all that chilled out, laid back, whatever stuff.
Me: Right. So. Like…you know K? Yeah, well I mean, here, right now, like, um, yeah so she’s kinda…no, I mean she is, she’s my girlfriend.
Him, no pause, easy breezy, bright ‘and the big deal is?’ kind of tone: Ah, yeah, cool, I figured.
Conversation moves on. We talk about some other stuff. We get up to go inside again. As we stand –
Him: Last week I sucked off my mate Dan,just to see how it would be really. It was kind of boring.
Me, intake of breath pause, not easy breezy bright and ‘what’s the big deal’ AT ALL: YOU DID WHAT???! WHAT?!! No, wait, did I hear that right?!! What the fuck. Come right back here, we are TALKING about this.
Yeah. Way to trump the coming out speech, kiddo; way to keep your cool and maintain your gay street cred, lesbo sista.
The first time I came out was actually to the first girl I ever dated.
Her: I have to tell you something.
Her: There’s this girl I kinda-
Me: NO! That’s totally not okay!!!!
Her: You know, I thought you’d be the last person to not-
ME: NO! You’re supposed to like me!!!
And that’s how I came out. I honestly didn’t even realize I was gay until that point.
I told my Uberchristian mom I was gay two years ago. We live about 2000km apart (thankfully), or I’m sure she would have come and painted crosses in holy oil on all my doors and other antisatan things she does. As it was, all she did was conduct an ontelephone exorcism to get rid of the Demon of Homosexuality I’d picked up by being around lesbians (somewhat like the common cold). She still does this periodically, although not just to get rid of the DOH, but also things like insomnia or fatigue, so I don’t feel too discriminated against.
My grandmother’s reaction:
1. I’m so glad you’re happy!
2. Thank you for telling me.
3. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to.
4. I have your back if anyone else in the family has a problem with it.
5. I already knew you were gay.
6. When I was at girl scout camp I used to love kissing girls on my bunk bed.
7. I wish I never married your grandfather.
8. What’s your girlfriend’s name again?
After taking a bus to my parents house with my girl friend at the time where she sat in a park down the street as my parents wanted to talk about something.
Parents: “We know about the girl in the park.”
Me: “Uhh… okay.”
That was it, they read through all of my online profiles trying to learn more about my life and found out I was dating a girl that way. They still don’t accept it really. They’re getting better but it’s still pretty awkward and no one else in my family is allowed to know. Damn christian upbringing.
“I was convinced I was going to die and I didn’t want to die a Mormon. ”
clap, clap, clap, clap
In my most recent, and uneventful Outing, I was talking to a guy from my English 150 class who happened to be bi. We talked all homogay, nbd, finish conversation. The people sitting around us piped up with the usual “oh it’s cool, I have gay friends”.
When the conversation shifts, I start reading my book “Anarchy Evolution; Faith, science and Bad Religion in a world without God”(By Greg Graffin & Steve Olson)”. I notice one of the guys next to me is trying to read the cover. I hold it up for his inspection and watch his mouth form the words “without God”, his eyes bulge, he gasps and inch away from me; treating me the rest of the class as if I were contagious.
I’m mentioning this since I found it extremely odd for him to brush of my lesbianism, but treat my religious [atheist] views as a disease.
A few months ago I started really trying to find out what my mom and stepdad’s reaction would be if i told them I was bi. I would always ask what they would do if my little brother was gay. I kept asking and eventually my mom said, “Stop making fun of your brother!I know the way he acts, but he’s still just a little kid!”
That, of course, made me laugh and give up prying.I haven’t told them, but I haven’t made any real effort to keep it a secret. I refuse to wear dresses and high heels, and they know I have a few gay freinds. I think they may realize somethings going on, if they don’t quite understand what. Like the time I was at a birthday party and put on a tiara and they were all surprised and joked about it.
Ok so no one has commented on this in months but what the hell, I’ll share my story anyway haha.
As we all know, coming out is a process… a very long process. You can’t come out to everyone in your life all at once (if you can, then more power to ya) so we end up having to go through it multiple times. So anyway, the first person I told was my friend Mike. I was at a party and he was texting me asking my why I haven’t had a boyfriend since junior high. He jokingly said “maybe you like girls, that’s why”. I replied to his text as follows: “haha………” and he figured it out and was totally cool with it.
The next person I told was my close friend Becky, who I knew wouldn’t care because she goes to a very liberal college and has a handful of gay & lesbian friends. I was talking to her one day and randomly asked her if one of her friends was straight or not. She said she was bi and asked why I wanted to know. I told her I was curious because I thought she was super cute and I mentioned how it was no coincidence that I never had boyfriends in high school. She got excited that I finally came out and said back “I always kinda thought you were gay but I didn’t want to say anything because I wasn’t sure”. She goes shopping with me now to buy gay pride stuff for her friends haha :)
The funniest but most awkward experience was when I came out to my twin sister, who is not only straight, but very straight edge. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie and I told her I wanted to tell her something. She could tell it was serious because I wasn’t laughing (which I almost always am). She looked at me all serious and said “what, are you like secretly a lesbian or something?…” and I just laughed and nodded. She thought I was joking at first but I was like “no, seriously.. I am”. To this day I still find it hilarious that her first thought was completely right. She said she had no clue I was gay but she must have thought so at some point or else she wouldn’t have assumed that first. She was kind of weirded out at first but that phase didn’t last long. Shes really cool with it now.