Advice for Homogays from Homogays: Solo Edition

Much like You’ve Got Feelings, We’ve Got Answers: Advice for Homogays from Homogays (Formspring Fall Cleaning) (original title), I will attempt to give relevant and helpful advice to advice-seekers, though this time I will be doing so without the assistance of Autostraddle’s Founding Editor-In-Chief and CEO of Ideas, Riese, who is currently in the throes of a cross-country relocation.

That entire paragraph was one sentence, which I hope impresses you in some capacity. I have corrected the advice-seekers’ spelling and punctuation. I believe that’s standard practice re: ‘advice columns.’ Some of the following discussions / links are NSFW, ok?

Q:
A relationship I’m in just got serious. Problem: my parents will kick me out when I tell them. Seventeen, no job, not graduated. Is she worth it? Absolutely. How do I tell them without burning the bridge. I love her, and my judgmental family….

A:
I’m not sure why you feel like you need to tell your family right now, other than a basic human need to be as honest as possible, which is certainly understandable. If it’s in your best interest (food, shelter and education all fall under ‘best interest’) to remain in the closet, then doing so isn’t dishonest or shameful, but admirable and smart.

Lots of people wait until they’re independent of their parents to come out, especially if they fear being disowned or kicked out. I really want to reiterate, when we say that being out and honest is important, we always want / expect you to take your personal safety into account first.

Q:
I’m 29, and I just came out. I’ve never had a girlfriend or any experience with girls. Is this something I need to tell my dates? I’m afraid it will scare them off.

A:
You’re not obligated to tell them, but it will likely come up one way or another. (Probably when she starts talking about her exes and expecting you to chime in, which is just so fun, really.) I was unnecessarily worried about the same thing when I came out at 25. It made me more comfortable to be honest upfront, but I gather that some people have ‘boundaries’ and don’t say everything they want to say. You should do / say whatever makes you most comfortable.

From what I’ve seen, women aren’t scared off by inexperience. However, there seems to be a fear / belief that inexperienced women will fall in love / attach themselves too quickly to their first partner, so maybe just be aware of that? But also that’s not true, so.

Q:
I have a long inner labia and I’m very self-conscious about it. I never let girls go down on me because I’m afraid they’ll think something’s wrong with me down there. I was thinking of having a labiaplasty when I turn 18. What do you think I should do?

A:
I love you and have so many feelings re: this.

I think you should definitely not have your labia cut off. I’m not the only one who thinks this. Hey guess what! Vaginas are totally unique and will look different from one another. Just like your face looks different from other people’s faces and also your feet and like, everything! We are supposed to look different.

I understand body image issues — I have them! — and I know how hard it is to move past them (constant struggle! wheee!). The ‘mainstream’ vaginas you’ve likely seen via porn / online randomness are not what all vaginas look like! Those vaginas have been hired, essentially, because they fit a certain criteria. For example, this is also why it’s nearly impossible to find good imagery (people of various colors / sizes / etc.) for our articles on Autostraddle. It’s not because brown / fat / short / butch / etc. people don’t exist — they do! It’s because not enough people are hiring them / photographing them. It is absolutely the most irritating thing about my job, actually! Because we want to show you YOU, but the current state of like, The World, makes that nearly impossible. But we’re working on it! But I’ve gotten a little off-topic.

Anyway I’ve looked at this before / after labiaplasty gallery and I can honestly say that I don’t believe any of these women should’ve had their labia shortened / removed for aesthetic reasons, though obvs that was their choice to make and bless their hearts, etc.

You are a special snowflake! Your vagina is TOTALLY NORMAL. Queer girls, by the way, love vaginas. Vaginas are one of the top five reasons we’re queer! I am 99% positive that the only thing a girl will be thinking, when face-to-vagina with your vagina, is “OMFG YES. A VAGINA. WIN.” If she’s thinking anything else, she needs to get the hell out.

Q:
My gf and I have been together for a 1.5 years. She is my ‘one.’ I’m in law school in Britain and she studies in Boston. Matching tattoos seem more age-appropriate than engagement rings. Thoughts?

A:
Yeah, I have thoughts. Do you know what’s more permanent than tattoos? Not much! I mean, a few things, sure, but not many. I think this is a terrible idea. But I also don’t believe that any couple is capable of being happily together forever, so it’s possible that I’m the worst person to ask (cynical romantics are people, too).

Also here’s the thing: whatever tattoo you get at this point in your life will remind you of this time, regardless. It really doesn’t have to match hers to be symbolic of who / where you are in your head / heart. Maybe just get separate tattoos at the same time?

Seriously, there must be something else you can do. Matching shirts? Transatlantic hamsters? Video chatsex?

Your turn, homofaces! Do you have extra words of wisdom for these fine humans? Let’s hear it. It’s an advice party in my comments and you’re all invited to come!

Laneia is the Executive Editor and founding member of Autostraddle, and you're the reason she's here.

Laneia has written 927 articles for us.

59 Comments

  1. don’t get kicked out. don’t get matching tattoos. don’t feel obligated to share your inexperience (but it helps to admit you’re nervous whether it’s your first or 100th partner). and DO NOT get labiaplasty.
    my girlfriend is totally assymetrical and wants to ‘get it cut off.’ i think it’s cute but most importantly i didn’t even notice it until she told me. so no!

    NSFW: you can visit this german gallery of lady parts. google can translate. they come in all shapes and sizes.

    http://www.bravo.de/dr-sommer/koerper-gesundheit/vulva-galerie/ex/page/0

        • if i hadn’t grown up in germany, i don’t think i’d be nearly as sex-positive as i am now so thanks to bravo! lol

          as pre-teen/teen mag, i think it greatly empowers young people and is a great asset. there’s lots of stories that tell you how to discover your sexuality, how to come out, where to meet ladies, etc. but most importantly, the articles always end with “homosexuality is a completely natural thing’ and reading that once in a while just feels good.

          ALSO, i figure pictures speak louder than words so the translation isn’t all that necessary anyways! :)

          • I don’t agree entirely, but I think the Dr. Sommer section was/is very important for almost any teenager in good old Germany, youknowwhatimean. ;)

            they’re doing a good thing by telling people that homosexuality is a completely natural and normal thing, but on the other hand teenagers can feel pressured by the “sex tales” of other very young kids. there’s always a downside. ;)

            but still… pussy, pussy, pussy :D

      • This is HILARIOUSLY AWESOME.

        And please don’t cut off your labia to please other people! Those are very awesome nerve endings, and you deserve to feel all of the sensations they can give you.

  2. Regarding the labiaplasty- they don’t call it bumping uglies for nothing. Vaginas are not “pretty” but they ARE AWESOME no matter what they look like! Long lips, short lips big clits, small clits however they come they are all great to be right up next to. I can guarantee you are the only one looking at your box who thinks it looks weird. ALSO- there’s the potential to SEVER NERVES!! hello, diminished sexual function would be a horrible side effect for NO GAIN. Trust me, lesbians dont lay around hoping to find that one beautiful vagina. We know they’re all beautiful, in their own ugly way.

  3. Even though I’m not, like, an advocate for labiaplasty (or any purely elective surgery to “prettify” someone), I’m gonna go against the grain here and say that if you really find yourself hating how you look down there, maybe you should get it.

    But first!

    Why do you hate it so much? Because it doesn’t look like what we see in porn? Well, very few actual vags do, and you know what? That’s okay. Like everyone else has said, it’s a vagina. We girls-who-enjoy-other-girls don’t care. So long as it’s there, we’re generally going to be thrilled about it. Because, I mean, sex, right?

    Or do you hate it because it makes YOU uncomfortable? Forget about what other people may think, does it make you embarassed and unwilling/scared to fuck? Do you think you’ll always feel this way about sex because of your labia? Can you ever imagine yourself getting down and being okay with it? If the answers to these were yes, yes, yes, no, then maybe labiaplasty is for you. Because sex should be something to be enjoyed, and if your junk is going to eternally turn you off from it, then perhaps you should look into it.

    But, if there’s even the tiniest part of you that thinks “hey, maybe I’m not so bad down there”, then don’t get it.

  4. Tattoo ‘rings’ to me are more of a wedding/commitment ceremony thing, rather than an engagement ring equivalent – because of their permanence, I think that they should get some pomp to go along with them.

    Regardless of when you get them, though, I think that straight-up matching could be weird, since you and your gf presumably have different styles and tastes. How about 2 designs that you both collaborate on? Still represents your connection, but with more individuality.

    • Here’s a suggestion: how about if each of you gets a tattoo of the other’s fingerprint somewhere? You know- – “you touched me” symbolism? It’s unique, and you’d have few regrets no matter what happens…

  5. i’m a firm believer in never getting your girlfriend/boyfriend/LP/lover’s name tattooed on any part of the body and i think matching tattoos fall into that category. think about shane and carmen. WE NEVER SAW CARMEN AGAIN.

  6. Why keep a large labia, to please a sexpartner who likes large labia’s? Thats just as bad as getting the surgery cause your sexpartner digs porno-pussy’s.
    What matters is what YOU think of your body, what does it matter anyway what the rest of the world think, if you are not happy yourself?

    Its a shame there is so much taboo about labiaplasty, its our own body and long people are informed of the risks and still want to do it, then why not.
    I think its brave when people fix something they are unhappy about, like; hey i tried to accept this, but i cant, im gonna do something about it, so its no longer limiting my life and making me unhappy.

    • I see what you are saying, and of course people should do whatever makes them happy. I’ve known people who had different kinds of plastic surgery, and I thought the decision they made was completely nuts, but the bottom line is it didn’t affect other people when they did that, so what I thought about it didn’t matter much.

    • i support every person’s right to make changes to his/her body as they see fit, but i would rather promote a healthy understanding / expectation of what real bodies look like, rather than support an industry that preys on people’s insecurities, especially those of young women.

  7. Looking at that before/after gallery, there have to be some serious health problems associated with that procedure.

    Somewhat relatedly (to me, anyway), there was a kind of breast augmentation procedure (evidently now banned in many countries) where the surgeon injected an irritant. The breasts secreted fluid as a reaction, and therefore grew indefinitely. HUH?? I sometimes don’t understand people at all, not one bit.

  8. you know when you have to like repeat a word over and over again and all of the sudden it stops sounding like a real word? that is how i feel about vaginas now after looking at that gallery. i mean, what even are vaginas anymore, i don’t even know you guys

  9. I once read something on BMEzine years ago – does that exist anymore? I kinda had to stop reading it after it got SO EXTREME LOOK AT WHAT PEOPLE DO TO THEIR BODIES ARE YOU THAT HARDCORE I DON’T THINK YOU ARE – about this couple who, after falling trulymadlydeeply in love with each other and decided that, instead of getting rings or tattoos, to BITE OFF THE FIRST JOINT OF THE OTHER’S FINGER. WHAT THE SHIT YOU GUYS. I would seriously advise not to get couple tattoos, but that pushes it to a whole new level. You can cover up a tattoo. You can’t get part of your finger back. (And also, when you reunite, imagine HOW FUCKING WEIRD THAT WOULD FEEL. You know what I mean.)

    I’d recommend necklaces. Because then you can touch them and fiddle with them – with all your fingers intact, please – and think about how much you love your girlfriend even though there’s an ocean between you. Write each other something beautiful and get it framed & pressed between two pieces of glass, which can then be soldered together. Get your gf’s initial hammered onto a pendant. Pocket watches. Embossed leather cuffs. Those nifty grains of rice. Hell, even a piercing!

  10. What the fuck matching tattoos DON’T DO IT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T DO IT.

    Also re: labiaplasty, seriously, anyone who is going down on you and thinking anything other than “FUCK. YEAH.” should not be there. And if you’ve never let anyone go down on you there’s no way of knowing how they will react, but I think it will be a lot more positive than you think.

    You might have gotten fixated and blown it all out of proportion, I was going to go for microdermabrasion once because I was convinced my little acne scars were enormous and disgusting and I WOULD NEVER BE LOVED, and now I look at them and I’m like, a) they are much less of a big deal than I thought and b) I have a constellation on my face, that’s awesome. My gf also regularly tells my that my skin is great, which I genuinely don’t even understand. Other people’s perception may be very different to your own, especially if they like/love/lust after you.

    It isn’t a competition, there are no marks out of ten, it is an awesome awesome part of you and oral sex can feel SO GOOD, you owe it to yourself to at least try. Find a girl you really really trust and just…go for it. Is my advice. Try it and see.

  11. First of all, I can’t decide if I’m more excited that I get to be a special snowflake or of the thought of transatlantic hamsters.

    Now in all seriousness, I’m gonna go along and agree with the no on the labiapasty, because you’re amazing the way you are. Also, if a girl has issues with your body, she can go fuck herself, because you don’t need to change for anyone. If you just can’t see yourself getting past it, I would suggest you think about it for a long, long time like with super-mega pro/con lists and everything. I mean just considering how much money it would cost would make me personally change my mind.

    Tattoo sounds like a bad idea. I mean you could totally grow old with this amazing person, BUT something could happen. Unless you’re psychic? Cause then you can predict the future and what do we know. :) Also, I’m pretty sure you can Google some advice on long distance relationships since a lot of people have those now.

  12. Re:labiaplasty.
    I seem/seemed to have the same issue – when I hit puberty it was hell, I felt ugly and like a complete freak. I just wanted to have that shit cut off. That’s not what I want anymore, although I’m still quite self-conscious at times.
    But you know what? Every time I have sex with someone I just FORGET that I [sometimes] have issues with the way I look down there.
    It’s a gift being able to forget about it in certain situations. I actually asked an ex about it once and she didn’t even understand the question, stating that I had a “perfectly normal” vagina.
    It’s hard to talk about that with other people and it’s hard to accept when you don’t like the look of one of your body parts, but the work on that is worth it, really.
    Plastic surgery may be a possibility, and I don’t want to say that noone should ever consider getting labiaplasty; but I don’t think it’s the ultimate solution. Cause if you don’t like your ladyparts, it could be because of anything and then the colour or smell or really anything could be next… (and I know there is rather sick stuff for these “problems”, too)

  13. Nooo labiaplasty! I used to be SUPER paranoid about it for the longest time…I wouldn’t even let anyone touch me down there, even if it was in the dark, under the covers, and they couldn’t see a thing, just in case they could tell anyway.

    Then I had sex and it was awesome and nobody brought up my vagina but my oh my did having fully functioning labia come in handy.

    Seriously. That surgery can REDUCE SENSATION. Nothing is worth that.

  14. I’ve never had a matching tattoo, and never will – but I’m not opposed to the idea of other people having them. I think everyone who steps inside a tattoo parlor runs the same risk of later-in-life tattoo regret – no matter whether their design is unique or part of a pair. I mean, right now a lot of people probably regret getting barbed wire tattooed around their biceps or dolphins tattooed on their ankles during the 90s. If you decide to get a matching tattoo and end up regretting it a few years later, at least yours is going to have an interesting story behind it.

  15. Transatlantic Hamsters sounds like the name of a electro/chillwave band. I feel like Pitchfork would call their debut album “dreamy and dark” and would rate it an 8.6. Their sophomore attempt would probably be overproduced and not nearly as charming, garnering a mere 5.4. In conclusion, you and your transatlantic girlfriend should start said band.

  16. Really? You don’t ever have moments when you believe in forever? Like not even till death do you part forever? I like to think I’m a realist and I believe forever may happen. It may not but I like to give a girl a chance.

    Thing is, just in normal ‘get to know you’ conversation the fact that you’re newly out is probably going to come up. If she likes you then she’s not going to care.

    Women who love women love vaginas. And like a snowflake they are all uniquely beautiful. Love your snowflake, we will too.

    I’m actually not against matching/bonding tattoos. Even if you break up it’s an experience, a tale. If it’s a love lost it’s still a mark of love. Plus, you can always get it covered over with another tattoo… if things are dire.

  17. As far as the tattoo idea goes, I’m actually going with my girlfriend when she gets her first tattoo, and I’m going to get another one with her. Matching? Hell no. We have different tastes in tattoo styles. But I do want to get it done with her, a) because it’s her first one and b) so we can say we’ve gotten tattooed together. We did the jewelry thing instead of buying rings when we got engaged; I gave her a necklace of mine that I wore every day for almost six years, and she gave me a bracelet that had been in her family for ever.

    As far as labiaplasty goes, I would give a big FUCK NO, unless it is something that makes YOU personally feel uncomfortable with yourself. If it’s purely for aesthetic reasons or to please someone else, don’t do it.

    And as for coming out to your parents, I would advise you to wait. I “officially” came out to mine when I was halfway through college and it didn’t go too well, but I was able to get on my feet quickly, get a job and an apartment, and still pay for classes after taking a semester off to save up. High school is too soon to run that high of a risk. You don’t have the life experience to be out on your own, nor do you have a diploma or GED, which makes finding a job incredibly hard. Staying in high school after leaving your parent’s house just doesn’t work; I have at least half a dozen friends who tried it who will tell you the same thing. Although it’s hard to live basically a double life, you only have a year or two left before you gain some sort of independence. Going to college/starting work gives you a good handle on managing your own life affairs and holding yourself accountable. Ultimately, it’s your decision, but when it comes down to your safety, happiness, and security a few years down the road, maybe laying low and finishing up your childhood obligations to your parents ain’t such a bad idea.

  18. 1. No, I wouldn’t come out to your parents now if you’ve got really valid reason to think they’re going to flip the fuck out and boot your ass. Worse, they could instead totally clamp down and try to interfere in your life as much as possible to prevent you from having the opportunity to be gay. Like, forbid you from seeing your girlfriend and creating physical barriers like moats inhabited by sharks with frikkin’ lazers on their heads. Focus instead on doing what you can to become independent as quickly as possible and learning what sort of options and support system you can have.

    2. Labiaplasty – I don’t recommend it. For one, if you’re still that young that you’ve NEVER let anyone dive your muff, then you may wind up being totally fine about it in a few years. I mean, I have a third nipple. It worried me when I was fourteen. Now, it’s like a trophy for me. I like it.

    3. Matching tattoos are like the relationship kiss of death for gays and straights alike. It’s one of my few major superstitions. Get like some matching custom made jewelry or something.

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