Autostraddle’s Ultimate Team Holigay Gift Guide 2017: Everything We Want Besides World Peace and Impeachment


HOLIGAYS 2017 / Autostraddle

Click here for Holigays 2017

Have you been wondering what the humans who put together your very favorite queer website want for the holigays? Wonder no more, my loves — we’ll spell it out for you! May this gift guide inspire you to ask for the gay enamel pins, the sensible socks, the political art, and the adorable waffle maker we all deserve in our wild and precious lives.

Vanessa, Community Editor

Some of my goals for 2018 include relying on my phone less, continuing to be a very angry lesbian, supporting queer artists both with my words and my money, and hiking the Washington section of the Pacific Crest Trail (500ish miles). Believe it or not, these items will help me accomplish all these goals and more! I can stop using my phone as an alarm clock so the first thing I see every day is a cute pink clock and my girlfriend’s cute sleeping face, not ten million tiny nightmares via Twitter notifications. I can wear the Autostraddle Angry Lesbian pin and attract other angry lesbians and repel anyone who would be turned off by an angry lesbian. I can add a third unicorn mug to my collection and support the incredible queer artist who creates them (full disclosure, this artist – Alex Simon – is one of my closest friends and an absolute dream). And I can continue indulging in overpriced wool toe socks that honestly can only handle about 100 miles on trail before developing holes, but are also the only socks that have curbed my toe blisters entirely, so what are you gonna do. Yes, these four material objects will help me accomplish a lot of my goals for 2018 – they’re basically gonna change my whole life for the better.

Siobhan, Contributing Writer

I’ve waited my entire life for it to be acceptable to wear iridescent sci-fi makeup as a day look so someone should probably stop me but also don’t. I spent my first Autostraddle paycheck on holographic lipstick and intend to continue looking as much like a threatening witch empress from outer space as possible in the year to come. Also someone should buy me that very expensive mug because I need it. No, I need it.

Erin, Staff Writer

Finding a driving glove look that 1) fits properly 2) cuts before the wrist and 3) isn’t leather is a difficult task, unless you get latex gloves molded to your person. I will not be taking comments about these gloves, but I do think they would go great with the jacket above, so why not have a little fun today? Re: the DNA kit, someone recently asked about my ethnicity, like they couldn’t place something, as if I am not the most generically white set of features to have ever existed, and it made me curious to know more. This test would likely confirm my original assessment, but also give me what flavor of white, and based on these ancestral findings could also alert me to the kinds of health conditions associated with each genetic background. And what better way to spend the holidays than finding new things to worry about?

Tiara, Staff Writer

I may seem to have expensive taste. But isn’t that the point of wishlists? You put your desires out there, from the feasible to the outlandish, and hope for something that comes a little bit close? I’m not necessarily expecting anyone to drop triple digits on me, but you never know.

I’ve been through a lot of personal and creative upheaval lately, good and bad, and would really love a reprieve, but they can get pricey. A Spafinder gift card of any amount will get me closer to making my inner spa bunny happy with multiple options to spend it on. There are quite a few games that have come out or will come out soon that I’m very interested in, but hardly any run on a Mac; the PS4 came highly recommended as a console that’d play the games I want while also having a great indie catalogue. I’ve been looking for a tablet-like device to work on while on the go, and the Surface Pro 3, even though it is a couple of versions old, is a reasonable combination of portability, power, and price, with the Windows OS allowing access to particular Windows-only programs related to my creative pursuits. I’ve been binge-watching the 80s/90s Square One kids’ Dragnet parody Mathnet lately and they’ve been wearing these asymmetrical shoulder holsters that carry calculators instead of guns, which I thought looked SO COOL – these came pretty close and seem rather practical! Lastly, besides being a spa bunny I’m also a nascent perfume enthusiast and BPAL has always been one of my faves – ideally I would like some kind of grab bag, because I’m indecisive like that, but I remember loving my vial of Lilith from long ago (when I was more actively working with Lilith the spiritual figure) and I’d love to be reunited with its rose, musk, and wine notes.

Heather Hogan, Senior Editor

[1] Winter cycling gloves ($50), [2] Winter cycling pants ($65), [3] Book Lovers’ soy candle ($18.00), [4] Messenger bag ($150), [5] Introvert enamel pin ($10).

This winter I am determined not to let the short, frigid days up here in the northeast rob me of my joy/the ability to get out of bed, which means I gotta stay on my bike no matter how cold it gets. When I’m inside, I sure do love the smell of some Book Lovers’ candles, especially the Old Books one (The Shire is a close second). I’ve been doing a lot of in-person work for Autostraddle this year and I think it’s time to have a professional bag to carry with me to my meetings and interviews, and I think it would be extra good with this 8-bit Introvert pin on the strap because it’s an outward manifestation of my actual inside heart.

Rachel, Managing Editor

The vibe for this winter is your spooky indoorsy friend (that’s me) staying in bed all weekend with a face mask reading books about ghosts. Maybe lighting a scented candle, maybe bringing a cup of coffee to rest on this sweet lap desk. In theory the lap desk could also be put on top of a regular desk to create a standing desk situation, but let’s be real, that would involve getting out of bed. Honestly this might be the vibe for all of 2018, stay tuned to find out.

Valerie Anne, TV Writer/Social Media Co-Editor

I’ve spent the past year really embracing my misandrist/feminist killjoy self and have so many queer/feminist/nerd t-shirts I could make a quilt, so as it gets colder, I’m not thrilled about having to cover them up. This winter I want to wrap myself in my ideals and stay warm while smashing the patriarchy, and I want a misandrist pin to put on my jacket for when it’s too cold for just a badass sweatshirt. (A second one…I already have one on my puffy vest.) I know the backpack isn’t on theme, I just thought it would be fun to have Wonder Woman protecting my books and belongings.

Nora, Fashion & Beauty Editor

My plans this holiday season include staying in to read about queers of the past, and going out in a getup that screams “queer of the future”! Conveniently for me, the Vespervibrator necklace is perfect for both those occasions.

KaeLyn, Staff Writer

I’m in a wonderfully strange place in my life right now, but who isn’t? Having a little Korean baby person has made me have all sorts of weird feelings about being a KAD and about work/life balance and about my evolving role in resisting the kyriarchy. So, like, I really want to learn how to cook Korean food, for me and for Remi. I barely know anything about Korean food! Or cooking! So this cookbook for the “home cook feels like an accessible place to start. I’m also wanting this cute pizza rolls tee for Remi because our skin tone looks so good in yellow, seriously, and also she needs to start fighting the patriarchy early and often. I used to have this truly epic button collection on my messenger bag in college (that now adorns my office wall). Now, I want to start an epic enamel pin collection and I’ve been coveting the Hard Femme pin for so long. It seems like the right place to start. This fucking candle: I loooooove it. I usually snatch my DW rose oud candles on the cheap at TJ Maxx because they’re so damn expensive, but I haven’t found any there in ages. The scent reminds me of my favorite place and it smells like opulence and lust and femme power top beauty. Lastly, I’ve fully committed to finding and/or creating more QTPOC spaces in my life and surrounding myself with QTPOC art and beauty and knowledge and laughs. I’ve been waiting for the America trade to come out and I need to have it in my life immediately. Like right the fuck now.

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya, Staff Writer

I spend a lot of time in my kitchen, yet I still don’t have many nice things in my kitchen because I have moved so much in the past few years and also always have roommates (New York!), so sometimes my kitchen space doesn’t really feel like it’s totally my own. But hopefully my girlfriend and I will be able to afford our own place soon, and I want to have nice things for it! Mugs are something I can never have enough of. I am obsessed with the work of Sam Lee and ceramics in general (especially ceramics made by WOC). In addition to some ceramic stuff for my kitchen, I want this sweater that looks like a robe because I wear a lot of loungewear. Also, did you know that The Odyssey has been translated into English by a woman FOR THE FIRST TIME?

Raquel Breternitz, Staff Writer

I just moved to a new city and a new place, and so one of my big priorities right now is to make my space feel like home: cozy, artful, and full of life and color. I’m trying to work my way up to making a mini indoor pond. Really, I’m a sucker for beautiful objects, so this is a great excuse to indulge that feeling. Also, did you know you can buy plants off the internet???

Alexis, Staff Writer

[1] BB-8 ($129.99), [2] Solar Powered Laptop Bag ($99.95), [3] Raspberry Pi TouchScreen Display ($69.99), [4] Moonlight ($19.99), [5] Jean Michel Basquiat Print ($13.66), [6] It’s Okay To Be Black And Angry Print ($10.00).

I’m a simple boi with simple tastes. And I know the zombie robot apocalypse is imminent so I’d like a solar charged battery for my phone and laptop so I can still keep up with AS, a BB-8 to keep my spirits up, a Rasperry Pi Touch screen cause even though I’ve gotten a Pi and made a retro game console with it (!!!) I feel like the touchscreen would help me do more Mr. Robot-esque things, these two prints to help me to remember who the fuck I am, and Moonlight for tenderness and love and beauty and grace.

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    • santa has never visited me in my entire life except once when i was in the hospital over christmas and i was on a lot of painkillers and thought i imagined him.

  1. I had to google KAD and for a while I was very confused. I’m pretty sure KaeLyn wasn’t referring to “kiss a dick”, skin whitening products or the Kansas Association of the Death.
    Korean adoptee made way more sense. I wish people didn’t use so many acronyms…

    • i think it’s cool that you googled a thing you didn’t know before asking someone to explain it to you! full disclosure, i also googled KAD while editing this post. it’s amazing all the things we don’t know simply by not having it be our lived experience.

    • I am obsessed with Glossier–I hope you get it too Riese! (Also, ask for the face mask set, they’re amazing)

  2. so. many. queer. pins.


    but also seriously, i’m always like “man i am so bad at putting together a wish list” and then this post came along and i’m like “HELLO GIRLFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND’S EXTENDED FAMILY, I HAVE 7283 NEEDS THIS HOLIGAY SEASON.” oops.

  3. Stef! I got that googly eye set about 3 years ago and it is the gift that keeps on giving!!! It has brought me so much joy!! I just about need to get a new set cause I’m running out of everything but the super tiny ones.

  4. Tiarra not sure exactly where you are but, I would also look at the Lenovo Miix 700, it’s internals are close to the Surface Pro 4, but comes with the keyboard standard, and many retailers bundle it with the pen(which is slightly better tech than the SP3) and in the US seen it go as low as $430 mew on Amazon.

    Erin I had family members do 23&me DNA testing and lets just say if you are Middle Eastern or nearby the results are very generic. Both literally just said Middle Eastern, no specific part or country at all. I also have friends who did it and it was was specific with them as they have European ancestry and it was very good about that, including mention they have Native genes from Russian(like Inuit but from Russia).

    • I’m not necessarily suggesting you look into an Xbox One versus a PS4 (I’ve got both, but there are some amazing PS4 exclusives…which is why I have it…hello, Horizon Zero Dawn), but if you are getting a computer that is on Windows 10 there are some connectivity perks between the XB1 game system and the computer. I don’t know all the details, but something about being able to play console games on your computer, etc. Just a note.


    I have no idea how badly it has aged but it has some really great actresses in it, also Lena Headey as queer teen dominatrix.

    I will also gladly send you season 3 if you want it, although it does go downhill a bit after the first season, but I think that’s the one with the trans character, possibly the first I ever saw on TV!

    SPOILER: there is lots of sadness.

    Also, I’m suddenly concerned that my mum let me watch a programme about prostitutes getting murdered when I was twelve.

  6. I’m so happy to see someone mention Mr Robot here even in passing, as it’s my favourite show and I feel like I never see it mentioned outside of fan spaces? Also! The America trade is incredible and so healing to read as a WLW (and I’m sure as a woman of colour also).

  7. I just want to compliment whoever did the graphic design on those images, because it is very pleasing to look at! Chevrons foreverrrr.

    Also, that quartz cluster mug is the most impractical thing I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT.

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