Autostraddle’s Ultimate Team Holigay Gift Guide 2017: Everything We Want Besides World Peace and Impeachment

Natalie, Staff Writer

2017 has been hard. While living in North Carolina prepared me for some of it, having a president who could doom us all to die in a nuclear war because someone called him old requires a more advanced set of coping mechanisms. So my holigays list is devoted to the things that bring me the most comfort: cooking, listening to music and tuning out all the noise around me, activism (via t-shirt), Obama nostalgia, and writing.


Yvonne, Senior Editor

What I want for the holigays this year are things that will help me continue to be a Boss Bitch in life. I moved into a new apartment a couple of months ago and still haven’t quite finished decorating my office space. It feels like it’s missing something and I think it’s this inspirational felt taco pendant! Latina lesbian media maven Jeanne Cordova was a badass and basically the foremother of what I do professionally, so it’s time for me to read her book. And I want to get my shit together for 2018 and get a new planner! What I like most about the Self Journal is that it prioritizes gratitude which I know for a fact helps me not spiral into the abyss. I will do all this by looking so good in these Tomboy Toes boots and these simple gold stud earrings! My brown Steve Madden combat boots are old and so beat up and I’m so sad about it. I want new boots that are versatile enough for everyday wear and dressing up. Also I asked for simple gold stud earrings last Christmas and my sister delivered and got a pair for me but they only lasted a few months before the backs broke. I really want actual gold earrings so that way they’re more durable and I’ll take better care of them!


Alaina, Staff Writer

I am… a stereotype of myself at times, especially when it comes to making gift lists. I want a tech organizer so I can drop my phone off at the front door in style and have a place to conveniently charge my Fitbit. I want a dedicated sugar spoon that stays in the jar so I don’t ever have to wash a dish before I’ve had coffee again. Plus it says naughty, which frankly, is hilarious. I want a collar clip so I can teach in style, and because I look good in gold. I need this blender/food processor/spiralizer because the only way I’ll be convinced to do food prep is if I get a bunch of cool tools to help with food prep. And I want a leather strap because of course I want a leather strap.


Mey Rude, Trans Editor

I’m a cowgirl. When I was a little girl growing up in Idaho, we used to have Rodeo Queens come and speak to our classes and I always dreamed of being one, even though I knew boys like the one I thought I was could never do that. I know, I was a very cute little kid. So, anyway, now that I’ve moved out of Idaho and into LA, I’m feeling the need to reclaim that cowgirl lifestyle. So that’s what I want for Christmas: things that will help my outside look like the rodeo queen/Kacey Musgraves-esque pop star cowgirl that I’ve always been inside. I recently bought a really stylish white cowboy hat at a thrift store here in town, so I’ve already got that covered. And I already have tons of hankies, but I really, really need a beige one.


Carmen Phillips, Staff Writer

Lately, I’ve been learning the importance of self-care routines. They can take on a lot of forms. For me, one of those forms has been setting aside an extra hour a week to pamper my body. It feels self-indulgent in ways that I generally shy away from. But, the routine forces me to see that I am valuable. That I deserve to be cared for in both little and big ways. So, once a week I take a longer than usual shower, put on my warmest, coziest, grandma robe, soft pajamas, and go to town.

I’ve been on a kick about good facial skin care, especially sheet masks, and desperately want to try this one from GlamGlow. They say it’s like a bubble bath FOR YOUR FACE!! My hair is naturally incredibly dry and benefits from a deep conditioner once a week. I have nothing but the highest of praise for SheaMoisture’s Honey Hydration Masque. Finally, what’s a good pampering session without a nail polish change? In unicorn colors!! Yes, please. Top that off with a new book or a nice streaming mini-binge. When I’m done, I always feel ready for my best night’s sleep and fortified to handle another week. (Pssst… if you decide to wear these adorable slippers that are shaped like bear paws, I won’t tell. You do you!)


Laura M., Staff Writer

Honestly, this has been the best year of my life and I feel like I have everything I want/need. You could buy me some colored gel pens, though! I’ve started bringing in those Paper Mates to use at work, and you can never really have too many.


Molly Priddy, Staff Writer

I’m a lady of many simple desires. I like the moon, and I find its light comforting, just like I find the rivers and waterways of Montana to be as calming and soothing as my own pulse in my veins. Whether I’m exploring in the outdoors or hunkering down inside, warm, dry feet are a must, so good wool socks are worth their weight in gold or more – you try being in the backcountry warming up your feet with a gold brick, and you’ll want the socks instead. But if I have to be inside, I want to be playing Mortal Kombat on my PS4, because FINISH HIM!!!!! And while I’m puttering around, either cleaning or organizing or preparing for my next adventure, music is a must, and music through Bose speakers is perfection.


Casey, Contributing Writer

As your friendly neighborhood lesbrarian, I will surprise no one in my holigay choices of books and book-related things. I mean, how do I not already own the Read a Fucking Book pin? As for the books: someone recently recommended Spell on Wheels to me as BFF witches go on a road trip to solve a magical mystery and I said, why don’t I have this in my life? Apparently there are also bisexual and lesbian characters! You know who convinced me I need to own I Hate Everyone But You? Gaby Dunn herself, in this piece for Autostraddle The Bisexual Character in My YA Novel Isn’t Perfect — Which is Perfect. And last, I loved Samantha Irby’s latest essay collection We Are Never Meeting in Real Life so much and laughed and cried that I feel compelled to have everything she has ever written on my bookshelves.


Carrie, Staff Writer

So my big thing is that I’m moving from Los Angeles to Washington, DC for a job in the new year. Goals include changing the world, maintaining good health, dressing well enough that people find me slightly intimidating in meetings, and surviving the winter. (I know everyone says Mid-Atlantic winters only kind of suck, but keep in mind where I’m from.) Each gift here is designed to help me on my way. The Boyega ensemble from Wildfang is the suit I deserve to wear to my first meeting with a Congressperson (I look great in red). HelloFresh addresses the fact that the busier I get, the worse I am about cooking and the sadder my wallet becomes. Given that this job is absolutely going to kick my ass, I think it might be time to invest in a meal delivery service. I hate grocery shopping even in mild weather so having the right amount of ingredients come to my door a couple times a week seems ideal. And the Wully Outerwear Doe Parka at least seems like the coat of my dreams: excessively warm (Canadian-made, does not mess around), ethical (all of Wully’s clothes are vegan and a portion of the proceeds goes to animal charities), and stylish (the LINING). It clocks right in at the Holy Shit This Better Be Good price point, but this is an Autostraddle Gift Guide, where we can all live our dreams.


A.E. Osworth, Staff Writer

The name of the gayme this year is Masculine Nerd Witch Vibes. Basically I want to wear all black and play Dungeons and Dragons like an 80s Mom’s worst nightmare. There’s a new fifth edition expansion to the rules and I run two, count ’em, TWO queer-writer-centric D&D campaigns (one good campaign, one…er…morally questionable campaign). I’ve also been reading Basic Witches and it’s inspired me to clothe myself in the darkness. I rarely wear black and I really want to start! So the chukka boots and the velvet blazer are my attempt. I also got myself this witch hand keychain from Buried Diamond earlier this year when I moved and I have basically been using it as a Protection and Safety amulet, so! I want one I can wear on my body, and absent witch hand collar pins, I will happily wear me some regular hand collar pins. Last, but certainly not least, I want to expand my ever-expanding tarot deck collection. The Holly Simple Tarot is the perfect compliment to my existing collection AND my Masculine-Witch-Meets-Human-Cartoon aesthetic.


Riese, Editor-in-Chief

“Band of Gold,” a British series from 1994 about sex workers that allegedly includes and unfortunately kills some queer female characters, will def be terrible/awesome, even though I’ll have to move to the UK in order to watch the second and third season. Surely there’s a cheaper copy of 1979’s “Eye to Eye: Portraits of Lesbians, Photographs by JEB” than this one? Scan your local garage sales, ladies. Glossier has a nice font and a solid reputation for fixing faces. Speaking of aging, I’ve acquired a strange fixation on sock/shirt alignment, and I’m always on the hunt for more Lavender Menace purple.

Also, what if I had the standing desk recommended by Wirecutter along with the Ergodriven Topo recommended by Wirecutter? I’d be so healthy and good at my job.


Jenna, Contributing Writer

My wish list theme this year is treat yo’self. If the world ends soon (increasingly plausible), I figure I should enjoy it now. Do I need any of these things? No. But the tie and swim trunks are really cute. I’ve only had one experience with a VR game and I’d like to try again (without punching someone). And D20 waffles seem like an ideal breakfast.


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33 Comments

  1. I had to google KAD and for a while I was very confused. I’m pretty sure KaeLyn wasn’t referring to “kiss a dick”, skin whitening products or the Kansas Association of the Death.
    Korean adoptee made way more sense. I wish people didn’t use so many acronyms…

  2. so. many. queer. pins.

    I WANT THEM ALL!

    but also seriously, i’m always like “man i am so bad at putting together a wish list” and then this post came along and i’m like “HELLO GIRLFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND’S EXTENDED FAMILY, I HAVE 7283 NEEDS THIS HOLIGAY SEASON.” oops.

  3. Stef! I got that googly eye set about 3 years ago and it is the gift that keeps on giving!!! It has brought me so much joy!! I just about need to get a new set cause I’m running out of everything but the super tiny ones.

  4. Tiarra not sure exactly where you are but, I would also look at the Lenovo Miix 700, it’s internals are close to the Surface Pro 4, but comes with the keyboard standard, and many retailers bundle it with the pen(which is slightly better tech than the SP3) and in the US seen it go as low as $430 mew on Amazon.

    Erin I had family members do 23&me DNA testing and lets just say if you are Middle Eastern or nearby the results are very generic. Both literally just said Middle Eastern, no specific part or country at all. I also have friends who did it and it was was specific with them as they have European ancestry and it was very good about that, including mention they have Native genes from Russian(like Inuit but from Russia).

    • I’m not necessarily suggesting you look into an Xbox One versus a PS4 (I’ve got both, but there are some amazing PS4 exclusives…which is why I have it…hello, Horizon Zero Dawn), but if you are getting a computer that is on Windows 10 there are some connectivity perks between the XB1 game system and the computer. I don’t know all the details, but something about being able to play console games on your computer, etc. Just a note.

  5. RIESE I AM SO EXCITED YOU WILL BE WATCHING BAND OF GOLD.

    I have no idea how badly it has aged but it has some really great actresses in it, also Lena Headey as queer teen dominatrix.

    I will also gladly send you season 3 if you want it, although it does go downhill a bit after the first season, but I think that’s the one with the trans character, possibly the first I ever saw on TV!

    SPOILER: there is lots of sadness.

    Also, I’m suddenly concerned that my mum let me watch a programme about prostitutes getting murdered when I was twelve.

  6. I’m so happy to see someone mention Mr Robot here even in passing, as it’s my favourite show and I feel like I never see it mentioned outside of fan spaces? Also! The America trade is incredible and so healing to read as a WLW (and I’m sure as a woman of colour also).

  7. I just want to compliment whoever did the graphic design on those images, because it is very pleasing to look at! Chevrons foreverrrr.

    Also, that quartz cluster mug is the most impractical thing I’ve ever seen and I LOVE IT.

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