You Need Help: So She’s Never Had An Orgasm

This has traditionally been done by way of individual Formspring accounts, Autostraddle’s Tumblr and a Formspring Friday column, which has all been very fun and insightful. But, because Formspring has a character limit and we’re wildly optimistic w/r/t our time-management skills, we thought we’d go one further and let you use our ASS private messaging to share advice-related feelings, too.

For more info on sending in questions, see the bottom of this post. Let’s get down to bossing people around on the internet! Today we’re gonna talk about orgasms again. It’s like all we do here. Welcome to Goodburger, home of the orgasm advice column, can I take your order. Here we go!

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Q:

This girl wants to do me. She’s made this pretty clear. I kinda want to do her. She recently told me she’s never had an orgasm. Now I feel pressured to get her to the big O now. I dont know, I just dont want to feel inadequate. So yeah, awkward penguin :/

WHEREFORE ART THOU, ORGASMS

A:

Okay, so there are a few things here. First, congratulations on a girl wanting to do you! That’s awesome. Some people will never get that far in their lives. It’s also cool that she’s “made that pretty clear,” because a) having that level of communication with any partner, no matter how casual, is really cool and b) it’s really great to be with someone who very straightforwardly wants to be with you. I mean, there are probably things that are worse than sleeping with someone who is sort of reticent or halfhearted about it, but not that many.

I wanted to ask about your second thing for a minute though, if that’s cool? What do you mean “I kinda want to do her?” I mean, obviously you can decide to sleep with whoever you want for whatever reason you want, and it’s probably just common sense to realize that at some point in your life you will sleep with someone for less than excellent reasons. But, especially since we’re talking about feeling obligated here (more on that in a minute) can I just wonder out loud what it means that you’re working yourself up about a girl that you “kinda” want? Because her wanting to do you doesn’t mean you have to oblige her, and before you start thinking about being “pressured” maybe you wanna think about how bad you really wanna be doing this girl at all? Just a thought!

Now, on to your actual question: orgasms! Or even just one orgasm. Based on your question, there are a few things I wanna say about orgasms that I sometimes worry people don’t get, whether they are gay or straight or girls or boys or a combination of everything like rainbow sherbert:

1. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you.
2. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean they don’t love/care about you.
3. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean you’re inadequate.
4. Your partner not having an orgasm doesn’t mean you had bad sex, or didn’t have sex.
5. Sometimes people don’t have orgasms.

Here’s the thing about you and this chick: I don’t know how exactly she brought up the fact that she’s never had an orgasm. For all I know, she said it while gesturing wildly at her crotch and simultaneously winking and mouthing “Until you, baby!” If that is what happened, then yes, I guess maybe she is pressuring you to give her an orgasm for the first time. If that was not the case, however, I’m going to go ahead and say slow your roll, because you are way overthinking this thing.

I get that having sex with someone new, or let’s be honest having sex ever, is nervewracking. It’s like making pastry crust or brokering peace in the Middle East; what if you can’t hack it??? But unlike both of those things (except the pastry crust, that’s actually pretty doable) having sex is not as hard as you think it is, and your partner is not holding you up to the impossible standard that you think they are. Specifically, I would say that your partner is probably not walking into your sexual encounter thinking “by God, I am going to have an orgasm with this person, or we’re going to keep trying until one of us breaks something.” I mean, who is that person? Paris from Gilmore Girls? And by the same logic, they probably DON’T want you coming to bed with the same mindset. Some of the worst sex anyone has ever had is of the “this girl is going to come if I have to take a jackhammer to her clit” variety. I mean, have you ever been on the receiving end of that? It’s awful, it’s exhausting, it’s grim, and it feels like it will never end. I don’t want to speak for everyone, but I’m pretty sure most of us, your girl included, would rather have nice sex that doesn’t end in orgasm than have to live through that and fake it just so the awkwardness ends. The thing is, having orgasms is not necessarily that easy; some women just never do it ever, even with a Hitachi Magic Wand that makes you coffee afterwards. And especially if you’ve never been with a person before, it’s a lot to expect; they don’t know you and what your body wants yet, and it takes a while to get to that level of communication, even for people in relationships. If either of you seriously think that sleeping together the first time is going to be like the rainbow unicorn scene in Anchorman, I would reassess.

Here is what I’d recommend: I get that based on your question that this girl isn’t going to be your Life Partner Forever Family, and is more of a casual thing. But that doesn’t mean you can’t talk and communicate! I’m not talking about serious processing, but more like “Do you think you might come? It’s ok if you aren’t. Would you like to? Would you like me to keep going? Do you need a break? Do you want to watch this episode of Parks and Rec for a while instead? I know, Rashida Jones is so pretty, right?” And if she does want to come, then you can ask her how exactly she wants you to do everything, and to be really clear with you about what feels good and what doesn’t. And if she doesn’t, then that’s totally cool! That doesn’t reflect poorly on you, or on her, at all. Because ultimately what makes you an “adequate” sexual partner isn’t how many times everyone comes, but how much you respect your partner and what she needs and wants. Nothing awkward about that at all!

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Rachel is Autostraddle's Managing Editor and the editor who presides over news & politics coverage. Originally from Boston, MA, Rachel now lives in the Midwest. Topics dear to her heart include bisexuality, The X-Files and tacos. Her favorite Ciara video is probably "Ride," but if you're only going to watch one, she recommends "Like A Boy." You can follow her on twitter and instagram.

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38 Comments

  1. Before my current girlfriend, I couldn’t orgasm with a partner. I just assumed it wasn’t going to happen, but I really enjoyed sex, so my attitude was more towards the “whatever” end of the things-that-are-a-big-deal spectrum. I casually let my gf know the first time we were hooking up – and she tells me that this actually took a lot of pressure of that entire situation: sort of permission to relax and have fun and not be super goal oriented.
    We’ve figured it out now.
    I’m convinced that we’d still be having awesome sex even if not.

    Also, if she’s NEVER had an orgasm and brings it up, she’s probably given it some concerted time and effort – so cut yourself some slack if this is only a casual hookup.

  2. Can we take a moment to remind ourselves that “wherefore” does not mean “where,” it means “why” so the line in Romeo and Juliet means “why are you a Montague” not “where are you, loverboy” and also that caption is….incorrect?

    sorry. I just really want the world to understand Shakespeare even a little bit.

  3. Before my current partner I never orgasmed during sex. If you masturbate in a certain way every time, you can train yourself to only orgasm that way, and it can take a while to retrain. But it can be done! Even without orgasms the sex was awesome, though, so it’s not a big deal.

  4. Thank you for this post! Though I’m the one on the end of the not having an orgasm ever spectrum, I agree that communication from both sides is great and pressure should not be a thing.
    I have enough of a hard time pressuring myself to be “normal” and orgasm when I’m with a partner, because I feel like they won’t be patient enough to keep going until it actually happens (if it ever will) or I feel like I have to just shift the focus to them instead of me. Not that I’ve only been with self-centered assholes or anything, it’s just a thing that makes me feel pressure about sex and that makes it not fun.
    Sorry for such a long comment, I had a lot of feelings.

  5. I once hooked up with a girl who said she came very easily. That actually created more pressure for me, because then if she doesn’t orgasm it must be that you’re inadequate! Thank god she did.

  6. I think I might ask a few questions, about what her previous sexual experiences had been like. If she had unhappy or unsafe experiences in the past, knowing that can help you help her feel safe and comfortable getting naked with you. That might help take the pressure off of both of you to perform, too. Naked sexy times are about sharing and communicating as much as they are about having an orgasm.

  7. Please don’t blame her, whatever you do. My ex liked to blame me and my ‘inhibitions’ for not coming in bed with her, even though she spent about..five minutes down there before giving up.
    Also, don’t forget that there are so many erogenous zones on the human body. TOUCH THEM TOO, not just the damn clit. Your person needs to be aroused to be lubricating, and clit action without lubrication is painful.
    Finally, play with her and let her stop when she’s tired but don’t give up too quickly. Let her take a break and then try again. be respectful of her feelings but half of the problem with not being able to orgasm is that people give up so quickly, not realizing that the playtime is in itself amazing, with or without an orgasm at the end.

    tl;dr: be generous and patient.

  8. I too have a gf who I have been with for 10 wonderful months and love her to death but have not been able to make her orgasm and I am not trying to sound over confident but I have tried everything with her I even fancyed myself orally gifted until I watched a instructural video on how to give great oral to a woman and now Im pretty sure im a pro and have spent an hour solid down at the big Y and have incorporated nice vibrators as well and we are very comfortable with eachother and very open and in love. I try my absolute best to make her feel as comfortable as possible but still cant get her off and she says she has gotten herself off before so any advice? I think I may have put too much imphasis on the whole thing?? Is Anal an option? We have gotten a hold of some mdma (molly) shouldnt that do the trick

  9. This was totally wack! I was expecting to find an actual answer that would produce some actual results. My girl has never cum before. Not with me or anyone else. As generous as she is, and as much as we’ve tried, its never happened for her. It sucks I know. But is there any fool proof way to get her off?

    • Maybe you shouldn’t link your girlfriend’s generosity with whether she deserves to have an orgasm or not.

      Fool proof way for her to get off: dumping you and starting over with someone who doesn’t think that a queer lady’s website exists solely for them.

      Seriously why are you here. Is this some sort of joke, are you one of those cannibalistic apologists I’ve heard about.

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