We smear on back to dusty Los Angeles, where Lauren’s throwing a little party for Amanda’s arrival. But this party isn’t just anybody’s party. This is a special party. Who’s at the door?
It’s SARAH CROCE!
SARAH CROCE WHY ARE YOU ON THIS SHOW
— riese (@autowin) July 20, 2012
@smcroce i’m gonna recap the hell out of that 25 seconds
— riese (@autowin) July 20, 2012
— stef (@silenziosa) July 20, 2012
— riese (@autowin) July 20, 2012
This is actually Croce’s second appearance on this fine program, but this season she got a line!
Amanda: “What is that? That looks like a massive dildo.”
Sarah Croce: “That is wine that’s already in glasses.”
The roommate-warming party’s guest count is fairly low and includes Croce, somebody else, somebody else, and a girl named Britenelle, which is not even a real name. Britenelle is a Real Lesbian you may recognize from the first terrible lesbian reality TV show set in Los Angeles, Gimme Sugar, and who Amanda recognizes from her vagina last time she was in Los Angeles. Britenelle was dating Gimme Sugar cast member Bathilda (which is also not even a real name) when the show taped back in 2007 (or 2008?). Here’s that couple, then:
Amanda: “Is Lauren a good kisser? Uh, yeah, I’d say so. She has some large lips. On her mouth. We’ve maybe slept together sometimes.”
Amanda informs the group that Lauren’s trying to trick her into a sleepover by leaving Amanda’s mattress outside in the rain all week, but Amanda’s not gonna fall for that shit. In fact, she’s gonna dip outside right now with Britenelle and make babies and get STIs on that mattress. Or um, smoke and whisper:
When Lauren heads back for a smoke and a “you haven’t eaten today,” Amanda gets a bit snippy and Britenelle gets a bit Britnelley and I don’t care! Lauren interviews that she doesn’t wanna talk smack about Britenelle but she’s “heard a lot of things about her being too intense with girls.” (Or maybe she saw it on Logo?)
Smear to the Casa A La Hija Por Vida, where Jay’s eating noodles while Romi tries to fuck him with her eyeballs. Get a load of this:
Romi: “I think I’m gonna take all my strap-ons and strap them to the wall so that when I walk by, I can just fuck myself, because you’re not around a lot. What’s a girl to do?”
Apparently Romi’s relocated to Long Beach, home of Queen Latifah’s not-coming-out concert, Tasha from The L Word, and a significant lezzer population. Unfortunately, Jay lives in Hollywood, like Madonna, leaving Romi alone to hump the wall and re-apply her eyebrows.
In case you’re wondering whether or not human beings enjoy heterosexual sex (it’s such a vexing, eternally unanswered question!), good news: they do.
Romi: “We have great sex. We just have really good chemistry and I enjoy having sex with him, I’m not thinking about it, I’m not overanalyzing it. It’s just fun, and I love him, and it feels good. And it’s different. It’s different to be with a man, it’s different to be with a woman. Both are good. They’re just different.”
Cut to an L-Shaped couch in Shifty Los Angeles, California, occupied by Whitney and our third dredlocked lady of the episode, Ruby. Whitney’s talking about her plan, again, like how she’s not sure if there’ll be room at “the energy thing” for tea lights or candles.
Whitney interviews that Sarahara’s constantly “checking in” with her, making it difficult for Whitney to plan giant energy parties in peace! Whitney says more things about how complicated and weird her plan is, like how she made this amazing flyer:
It’s just that Whitney wants everything to be special:
So, that’s neat!
Several months later in Washington D.C., Somer chats with her Brooklynite lady-love while Kiyomi wrestles herself out of a still-drunken stupor into a Productive Human Stumble and Laura tries and fails to get all their shit into the van, which’s foreshadowing. You’ll see!
Somer interviews that touring has thrown a wrench into her relationship with Donna and Laura interviews that everybody partied too hard, and then a little dog interviews that she hates this show, and then I realize that the little dog isn’t real, it’s just in my head, like Whitney with the whale.
We slide back on over to Sunny Los Angeles, California, where Amanda’s forcing everybody to dress up like condoms and paint the house! Will it be as much fun to watch people paint a house as it is to actually paint a house? Let’s see!
These outfits reminded me of a Woody Allen movie that came out like twenty years before my Intern got born called Every Thing You Wanted To Know About Sex* But Were Afraid To Ask. See:
Lauren: “I knew that Amanda was gonna wanna come in and change a bunch of stuff in the house, that’s just her personality, but it’s just the greatest feeling finally having her in town and getting our lives kinda set up together.”
Amanda’s hot for Britenelle’s jock, Lauren has shiny teeth, and I can’t believe Lauren’s allowing her bestie-with-benefits, who just moved in and is already porking the milkmaid, to repaint her walls. I’d be nervous about making space for her on the shoe rack at this point, honestly. Howevs, this is one of many Real L Word scenes where we suspect we’re missing a giant chunk of context, context that’d make everybody seem like less of a sociopath. This is one of those scenes where anybody could be the Asshole, it’s hard to tell, so you can just pick one and then gather and present evidence accordingly.
Amanda: “Lauren hates the fact that this is the first time the two of us have ever, A, lived in a house together, and B been single at the same time, and already I’m getting something, not getting into something, I don’t really know, but she doesn’t like it.”
Amanda interviews regarding brewing “tension” between Britenelle and her BFF-with-benefits who recently kicked her roommates to the curb ’cause Amanda felt like getting a tan. “In a weird way I felt like I’m being fought over,” she says, smiling.
Outside, gripping tension ensues:
Amanda: “What is with this door handle, by the way, like if you’re going to the house and you’re really drunk you just hold on –”
Lauren: “The last people who lived here were old.”
Britenelle: “Wow, way to be a downer –“what’s up with those plants? my grandma gave them to me before she died.”
Amanda: “Okay —”
Lauren: “Just explaining the handle, not being a downer.”
Lauren: “Not being a downer.”
Britenelle: “I’m sorry, what?”
Lauren: “I think your necklace is backwards… or it’s not?”
Britenelle: “No, it’s not.”
Lauren: “For some reason when I saw it earlier, it looked different.”
Britenelle: “You got something to say about it?”
Britenelle: “On point.” [makes a “gotcha” face at Lauren] “Look at that.”
Amanda laughs, safe and secure with the knowledge that if SARS tries to infect her head, it won’t be able to, because of her SARS mask.
Back in Virginia, five thousand years in the future, Hunter Valentine’s running late for their show ’cause Kiyomi got too drunk last night, which delights Somer, ’cause now Kiyomi is the pot and Somer’s the kettle.
Kiyomi: “I guess we were like an hour late, which is not normal for us, but um, shit happens.”
Due to, perhaps, the impending arrival of an Ilenechaikenmobile, or perhaps to a fledgling fanbase in the Charlotte area, Hunter Valentine’s show has about six audience members and I’m pretty sure most of them are somebody’s Mom. Or, you know. “Regional reps.”
Kiyomi starts off their set with a bang:
Kiyomi: “I’m gonna be really honest with you, we’re severely hungover. Can we have some shots of um, Jameson on the stage, is that possible? FOUR.”
A few minutes or years into their set, Somer’s keyboard situation breaks, and she starts scrambling around the hut looking for an adaptor or a whooziwhatzit, to no avail, while Laura and Kiyomi interview regarding their disgust with Somer for “making it worse” by um, trying to fix her instrument. Instead of, I think, standing there? And pretending to play? Look, the only instrument I ever mastered was the Keymonica, and the only song I ever played on it was “When the Saints Go Marching In.” I’m not qualified to recap this bullshit.
Kiyomi handles Somer’s situation like a jackass by mugging, “let’s give it up for the band!” with a psychotic grimace, followed by, “I have no FUCKING idea what’s going on.”
Somewhere in the Los Angeles metro area during the 21st century, Romi’s glow-bowling with her boyfriend and his friends. It’s mega-fun, ’cause there’s nary a dyke to be seen or shtupped!
Romi: “The nice thing about going out with straight couples is that not every single person dated or fucked your girlfriend, you actually get to meet people and other couples who haven’t been incestual within the community.”
Romi loves Jay, wants to marry him and have beautiful kids with him, which’s petrifying.
Jay: “Romi’s a nester. She definitely wants to like settle down, move in, let’s have some kids, like let’s get this shit cracking, and I’m like hey, slow down. I’m not a lesbian, I’m a boy.”