It’s breakup season! It feels like it’s been breakup season for a long time. Is it ever really not breakup season? Right now the breakup-buds channel in slack is thriving. One thing that we’ve all found to be of some comfort is analyzing it all through astrology, especially commiserating “I can’t believe this, that’s SUCH a Leo/Cancer/Taurus/etc thing to do.” The following are my notes on queer breakup behavior by sign, with some guidance from Vanessa Friedman, who actually knows what she’s doing.
They’ve been telling everyone at brunch that they broke up with you, even though you’re the one who ended it; eventually, though, after talking to your friends about how well you’re doing, they skywrite a message for you, asking to get back together even though they realize the rainbow is just seven white arches because they didn’t talk to the pilot about various colors beforehand.
They’re so upset you left them that they gather all their very best friends together to go on a hike to a tennis camp to stay in bunk beds and discuss your lost love before hallucinating in front of a waterfall before they let anyone discuss anything else.
You thought the breakup would be the worst part, but you were wrong. By far, the worst part has been the Sagittarius deciding it was over and then apparently getting Men-in-Black flashy-thinged because when you both showed up to that party they act like you’re a stranger, and not even a hot one, just, like, a random at a party they say fake “hi!” to and then you know they’re thinking about the next person they’re going to talk to.
After arriving at your mutual friend’s monthly potluck, you see your ex brought quite the offering: All the gifts you ever gave them, burnt to a perfect crisp. Everyone takes a piece to be polite, and your ex doesn’t say a thing to you, though you are pretty sure you see flames in their eyes? You can’t be sure, but you’re pretty sure they could lift a car over their head like one of those moms on adrenaline saving her kids, but it’s their anger at you.
Calls you at 3 a.m. to present a bullet-pointed-yet-somehow-also-numbered list of 35 reasons why your relationship was actually good and should have worked out, but refuses to listen to any of your rebuttals because you did not submit them in time nor are they peer-reviewed.
You thought maybe you had another shot with this ex because you’ve been through it all together, but once it was over, that switch flipped in their head and won’t flip back but at least you get to move on with the knowledge that your own argument about why you should break up was apparently amazing.
You’re not actually sure if you’re broken up, because they ghosted after that serious conversation you wanted to have last week about where all of this was going and they joked “well, I hope it’s going to the bedroom!” and you didn’t laugh even though it was actually kind of funny and they were cute when they said it.
You’re not actually sure they know you’re broken up yet, because they keep acting so friendly in your communications, but then you remember that they’re also now dating three other people though they’d hate to be labeled as “dating” those people as it kinda ties them down from understanding their full potential as a human being with a heart and a mind, you know?
Doesn’t speak to you for a month, then gets back in touch to send you an email about all the reasons this was the correct decision, here are the pros and cons of your previous relationship, and don’t you agree, counselor, that on paper, this probably wasn’t going to work out anyway? YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Texts to tell you that you are no longer speaking, how could you possibly keep speaking when you’ve been breaking up for twice as long as you were together, with a follow-up text asking you haven’t responded to their moratorium on contact, did you never care about them at all?
Broods their way into a bar, broodily, and finds someone who looks just like you to take home. While their new friend is freshening up in the bathroom, the Scorpio is scouring your social media accounts with a new anonymous handle: Glaring_At_U.
Is very sure the dream they had about you and them being together forever was a sign that this “cooling-off period” as they’ve termed your breakup has probably run its course, though they aren’t sure in what capacity they’d like to be together with you because really, who can put labels on anything?
I didn’t know I was a Taurus…
I will admit I’m actually Gemini on the Taurus cusp, and would be been full bull had I willingly left the womb on time, but I’m just gunna pretend that this is in no way related to my taurian ways.
I’m a Leo that lived with a Leo. That is a hauntingly accurate description of what happened when we broke up.
Hm wait no you’ve got the wrong blurb for Aquarius – that’s an example of perfectly reasonable breakup behavior that, I’m sure you’ll agree, even if you’re not sure you’ll agree, is extremely helpful to both parties.
As an Aquarius rising, I concur with Laneia, although also Aquarius-heavy folks (like Capricorn-heavy folks) just have that switch in their head that flips, hard, and never goes back.
That switch is real.
Aquarians…we’re perfectly amenable, UNTIL WE’RE NOT.
Also emailing links to a financial spreadsheet with action points is useful, right?
I’m not even confessing what my rising sign is.
Can you tell I broke up from an 18 year relationship this month ??
I’ve been that (Venus) in Gemini haha oops
And p sure this is accurate according to all our a-camp exes
you are the worst.
As an Aquarius, I must disagree! I have never been the first one to get back in touch with an ex. That sounds more like my last ex, a Taurus, who wanted to “set the record straight” (whatever that means) one week after I broke up with her.
I 100% agree with the Scorpio behavior, though.
to be fair, scorpios are always glaring
THIS IS SO REAL
I want to argue against this but I Sagittariused my ex a week ago at a wedding in exactly the way described. I feel very called out right now.
Perhaps in true Leo form, my kneejerk reaction to the relevant entry above was, “Noone in their right mind ever leaves a Leo.” ;)
And yes…my ex is Taurean and I did mentally prepare myself in case when I go to pick up my things they are indeed ashes.
This is rude and I do not appreciate it.
look i know what i know, ok?
but like brianna…
VANESSA i sent this to my ex and she said “oh that’s right on. especially yours,” which a) RUDE b) fair.
one for two!
the first part of the libra description feels extremely accurate in re: the situation with my last ex (we are both libras). it was kind of a nightmare, tbh. wow.
woooooowww Aquarius is p dead on but where is the “deletes every photo of you that ever existed on every platform”(or is this only if the breakup is bad…?or just me? I have a lot of Capricorn in my chart…)…although I have a Pisces Venus which is also…true here…
Wait how do we learn our exes’ signs
Are signs something we’re supposed to know about our partners
Am I gaying wrong
if you know their birthday and where they were born you can figure out their sun sign, at least! if you know what time they were born (people will fight me on this but approximations can be good enough ie “morning” or “evening”) you can learn EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THEM BECAUSE ASTROLOGY IS REAL MUAHAHAHAHAHA.
IS IT THO REMEMBER HOW I’M A SECRET CANCER
All Leos are Alices. This is now cannon.
honestly it’s so generous of molly to say i helped even a little with this masterpiece, because i’ve had the busiest week in the world and definitely offered to help and then kind of flaked in a VERY UN-CAPRICORN LIKE WAY.
on the other hand, molly clearly secretly flew to portland and stole my journal to write the capricorn description here, so maybe we’re even.
I always wonder how I can be so flaky/feelings-y but simultaneously such a spreadsheet/bulletpointed-list-oriented person. And then I look at my birth chart with its pisces sun and aquarius venus and think: oh yeah. THAT’s why
also. this list is organized by sign type, not chronologically? wow so profesh
as a Capricorn who has flipped the switch on THREE Libras (will I ever learn???) this is Extremely Accurate
thank you for not saying something HORRIFYING to Geminis, I am one of those much-maligned sparkly vagaries and I don’t appreciate everyone’s bad attitude about us!
That said my breakup behavior clocks in at my Capricorn moon, ie, it’s done, it’s over, why are we still talking, the end, but I just have never had anything good come from breaking up and getting back together.
#Scorpio is definitely true. My ex is a Scorpio and this is EXACTLY what happened #?? I’m a #Libra…right on the head
EXCUSE YOU -Cancer
As a leo, I’m always the one doing the breaking up with, but I imagine if I got broken up with in a non-mutual way, I would be DEVASTATED and definitely cry under a waterfall.
Sagittarius, guilty as charged. Though I will admit this happens to most everyone I lose touch with, since my memory is also awful. But yeah, Like A Ghost by Draemings has always been my breakup anthem, at least the chorus…
OMFG I feel so seen
This is frighteningly accurate.
See this is weird bc my ex isn’t a Gemini but I GOT GEMINIED SO HARD with a side of Libra and my ex might be a Libra? Idk
(Meanwhile my own shit falls as a mix of Leo/Virgo/Aquarius)
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