Our Favorite Queer TV Characters And Their (Hypothetical) Favorite Sex Toys

This post was sponsored by the Pleasure Chest.

What’s more fun than talking about favourite lesbian/bisexual/queer tv characters? Speculating baselessly on their favourite sex toys!

Luisa Alver, Jane the Virgin
Jimmyjane Form 1

luisa-jimmyjaneIn love with a criminal mastermind (slash her step-mom) while dating the detective trying to track her down, spending time in asylums, and used as bait — Luisa just can’t seem to catch a break.

The platinum silicone Jimmyjane Form 1 will fit right into her underwear so she doesn’t have to. It has a Bluetooth-enabled remote control with a range of up to 32 feet, five power levels, five vibration modes, and five tease modes. This small, powerful vibrator would have Luisa as out of control in her pants as she is in her life.

Stef and Lena, The Fosters
We-Vibe 4 Plus

fosters-wevibeSexy flawless wholesome lesbian dream-wives-in-love Stef and Lena are maybe going to be okay and are really good at having sex with each other, occasionally in pools, and not letting kids and cancer and such get in the way.

The We-Vibe 4 Plus is a C-shaped hands-free vibrator that hits the wearer’s clit and g-spot simultaneously. Though it’s fun alone, it’s even more fun with a partner — say, the love of your life who is definitely not going to die of cancer, okay? Not today, bad TV tropes — and is compatible with both dildos and fingers. It’s friendly and efficient and definitely hiding out in Lena’s nightstand.

Cosima Niehaus, Orphan Black
Je Joue Ooh

cosmina-oohShe’s brilliant and hangs out all the time in sex I mean science gloves, what’s not to like?

Cosima likes to handle things like researching a cure for her Leda Lung Syndrome herself, which is why she’d love the Je Joue Ooh, a modular system of sex toys you put together like the best IKEA experience of your life. The motor and the bodies of the toys are separate and interchangeable, making owning multiple toys cheaper and expanding your collection easier.

Root and Shaw, Person of Interest
Full-Size Cowhide Flogger

root-shaw-flogger-2What would a supersmart vaguely sociopathic hacker and a former CIA assassin/definitely sociopathic supersoldier do together in bed? Mostly we know that Shaw rips Root’s clothes off, that they both have a hard time connecting to the world, and that they both have to be reminded regularly not to kill people, which makes me imagine their sex life as full of consensual eroticized violence.

The Full-Size Cowhide Flogger has a weighted and balanced nine-inch handle and 30 half-inch-wide, 21-inch-long cowhide tails. Root and Shaw would probably use this as a light, friendly warm up. (On days they warm up.)

Pippy and TMI, Rosewood
Fun Factory Share

rosewood-shareBeing “the most boring lesbian couple on television” is quite an accomplishment (even staying gay and alive is an accomplishment these days).

Pippy and TMI might celebrate their status and also their upcoming wedding with a nice old-fashioned double-ended dildo. The Fun Factory Share is fully medical-grade silicone, can be used for vaginal or anal stimulation, and is flexible without sacrificing function. It doesn’t need a harness, though they could use it with one to keep it in place. It’s perfect for sweet, egalitarian, you-do-me-I’ll-do-you-but-at-the-same-time sex, for pissed off it-sucks-that-one-of-our-moms-is-homophobic sex, and for we-don’t-kiss-a-lot-at-work-or-really-on-screen-we-save-it-for-the-bedroom sex.

Callie Torres, Grey’s Anatomy
Fun Factory Lady Bi

callie-ladybiRockstar orthopaedic surgeon Callie Torres is refreshingly unashamed for tv and into dancing in her underwear, which the world needs more of, frankly. And her divorce just got messier!

The Fun Factory Lady Bi is the perfect distraction from lesbian divorce court: a dual-stimulation style vibrator for the g-spot and clit, two rumbly motors, and 4.7 inches of insertable length. The loop handle makes it easy to hold even when there’s lube everywhere. It’s way more fun than Penny. Plus it doesn’t want custody of her daughter.

Arizona Robbins, Grey’s Anatomy
Fun Factory Amorino

arizona-amorinoNo one sums up Arizona better than Stephanie in season 12: “You are kind of a legend with the interns and residents. You’re one of the Seattle Grace Five. [You survived a plane crash.] And a car crash. And a shooting. You might be immortal. You mastered one of the most exclusive specialties basically overnight, and then you took Herman’s job and her eyesight. You have screwed dozens of interns, and you got them all fired.” Also you’re a womanizer and entering a custody battle!

The Fun Factory Amorino is a rabbit dildo with a twist — a silicone band that stretches from shaft to shaft, covering clit, g-spot, and labia with rumbly vibrations. (Remove the band and it’s butt safe.) It’ll take care of everything and she won’t need to fire it afterward, except metaphorically, with anti-microbial soap and warm water. Plus it doesn’t want custody of her daughter.

Annalise Keating, Esq., How To Get Away With Murder
Lelo Mona Wave

annalise-monaAnnalise Keating is a high-profile, supersmart defense lawyer and law professor who doesn’t fuck around, except when it comes to moving to New York with her one true love Eve so they can live happily ever after, which for some reason is not the direction the show is going in (yet!).

The Lelo Mona Wave combines the beloved shape of the Lelo Mona with an up-and-down wave motion targeting the g-spot (it can also vibrate like usual). It’s a hero to Annalise’s anti-hero. She’d probably pair it with some Lelo Personal Moisturizer lube and Lelo Antibacterial Cleaning Spray.

M-Chuck, Survivor’s Remorse
G-spot Rainbow Dildo

mchuck-rainbowM-Chuck is so gay. Just really gay. She’s also smart and anti-slut-shaming and “one of the most refreshing queer characters on primetime” which is great, too.

The G-spot Rainbow Dildo is a super gay silicone harness-compatible dildo with a curve for g-spot or prostate simulation. It’s ten inches long, or one inch per sext emoji smiley, and it’s easy to sterilize between partners. If you want a dildo to say queer even louder than dildos wielded by gay women normally do, as M-Chuck probably does, this is the right choice.

Maggie, Younger
Fun Factory Bouncer (In Red!)

maggie-bouncerMaggie is a 40-something lesbian artist and the voice of reason on Younger. She also hosts sex parties (well, one party, but fingers crossed)!

Though we don’t know what she brought to the one she threw, the Fun Factory Bouncer seems right up her alley (or someone else’s). It’s a velvety silicone seven-inch long dildo with a minimal, harness-compatible base and a slightly curved shaft with three weighted balls in the middle that move when the toy (or the person wearing or holding it) does. It’s also easy to clean.

Poussey Washington, OITNB
SpareParts Tomboi and Mustang Royale

poussey-harnessPoussey is arguably one of the most compelling characters on Orange Is The New Black, and not just because everyone has a crush on her.

The SpareParts Tomboi harness is a little bit sporty and is literally called the tomboi, aligning with flashbacks to Poussey’s non-jumpsuit attire, and you can wear it like underwear – useful if she’s going around a military base fucking some military dude’s daughter. The Tomboi’s O-ring fits most dildos, but the VixSkin Mustang Royale is flexible dual silicone with a soft exterior and a firm core, and features a sculpted saddle base designed for the wearer. Plus she’s already figured out that scissoring doesn’t work.

Jeri Hogarth, Jessica Jones
Njoy Pure Plug 2.0

hogarth-plugHigh-powered kinda-amoral in-control lawyer Jeri Hogarth likes to intimidate and likes to wear good suits.

I envision her toy closet — because it’s probably a closet — as immaculate, well-stocked, and shinier than her perfect hair. The shiny solid stainless steel Njoy Pure Plug 2.0 has 3.5 inches of insertable length, a two-inch diameter, and a weight of 1.31 pounds, making it as intimidating and impressive in the courtroom as it is in the bedroom and excellent whether Jeri wants to practice relaxing or whether she wants to consensually force someone else to. Jeri doesn’t fuck around (except when she’s fucking around), and neither does this butt plug. Plus it’s very easy to sterilize, to keep her lesbian love triangles from getting even messier.

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Ryan Yates

Ryan Yates was the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor for Autostraddle.com, with bylines in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, The Daily Beast, Jezebel, and elsewhere. They live in Los Angeles and also on twitter and instagram.

Ryan has written 1142 articles for us.



    I knew this was going to be glorious, before I even clicked the link- but it honestly got better with each person on the list.

    I laughed, I nodded my head in agreement (I maybe bookmarked some toys for later purchases- hey! don’t judge me! If a toy is good enough for Analiese, then it is definitely good enough for me)

    What I most appreciate is that even though it was a “sponsored post” you can tell that real thought and creativity went into it. In fact, if I hadn’t seen the “sponsored” label- I never would’ve known. I’m going to share this one to friends, just based on the humor alone.

    Way to brighten up an evening!

    • I can’t speak for Annalise, but it is /absolutely/ good enough for you, based on my own experiences. I’m incredibly upset that I had to leave it behind while studying abroad because I’m weird about airport security staff seeing my, uh, more personal items, but I am really, really looking forward to our reunion in a few weeks’ time!

  2. Let me take a stab at this.
    Ruby and Dorothy – Bad Dragon Rainbow Dragon Dildo

  3. FAVORITE HUMANS has anyone seen “The Girl King” ?????? On netflix. Youre welcome.

  4. Well this was just fun and sexy as all get out! There are a lot of great characters not here like Bette Porter, Willow, Franky Doyle, etc, so there should be more of these pieces in the future!

  5. “vaguely sociopathic” ?. You forget, Root is definately a reformed psycopath. “definitely sociopathic supersoldier” *swoons* you got that damn right. Most (read all) of their fic is sexualized violence…yum ?

  6. Okay, I’m a sex toys nerd, so pardon my detailed query:
    Have you actually used any of these toys? Namely, the fun factory share – especially without a harness! The share is known to be one of the “floppiest” double enders on the market, and even the most rigid aren’t actually very usable without a harness! I am a fan of double dildos myself, and unless I’m crankin’ down the kegels and totally unlubey, there is no way that would work out with no harness. Plus, not worrying about all that makes the whole experience easier in my opinion.

    Plus, the jimmyjane vibrator you recommended for Luisa actually got pretty bad reviews. Spread the knowledge!

    Anyway, I still liked it and I am tickled thinking about Jeri’s shiny enormous sex toy closet. Dream house goals!

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