Oh Gay Cupid! No, This is How You Take A Holiday Profile Pic

Fashionista published a guide on how to get laid a date for the holidays. There’s nothing worse than going to a holiday party stag, so you have approximately two weeks to remedy your singledom. The pressure’s on ladies! So that’s why you have to turn to the internet this very second. Not because it’s a great way to meet people or possibly the only way for you to meet people in your area, but because it’s really fucking embarrassing to fall ice skating without a prince charming to pick you up.

So prep and preen for a holiday profile pic that truly shows your December dateability. There are a thousand rules you didn’t know existed, so start reading up ASAP. Look alluring but not like a slut! Think about your hair, but don’t about it too much. Don’t spackle your face with makeup, but don’t go au naturel either! And just the right amount of tit people! Since this was a holiday article, I’m sure that this super specific winter advice will change by August.

Ah! It’s all so confusing, you might as well just opt out of holiday dating right? Why not just opt out of this kind of dating. I feel like gay ladies are less demanding than men when it comes to profile pictures. So if you do want to meet someone this winter break, I’ll show you how to take a queer-oriented holiday photo. And I’ll explain it in less than five pages.

Get in the spirit of things

There is serious business to be had. I recommend whiskey, bourbon or pure palate-peeling vodka to get in the mood. Eggnog is really fucking festive but I’m not about to taint my flask with that.

Don you now your gay apparel

You aren’t going to win over any OkCupiders in a bikini. Not because it’s too revealing or asking for “unwanted attention” but because it’s fucking weather inappropriate. December is all about layering! So put on your best grandpa sweater and/or mittens and/or toque and/or scarves to prove how cuddle-worthy you are.

Deck the halls

If you don’t have any rainbow lights handy, I’d also recommend christmas tree hats, antlers or copious amounts of tinsel and garland. Watch out for green garland. That shit is pointy.

Add some holiday cheer

No foray into queer dating would be complete without a craft beer. Crack open a winter ale from your beer advent calendar!

Liberally apply cats to the photographed area

If there were a well known holiday carol about cats I would allude to it right here. But it’s not well known yet, so I can’t. Just make sure you have at least one cat in your profile pic to prove your dyke cred. When in doubt, add more cats. And show those cats some love.

So now you’re good to go! Just make sure to angle the shot from above so no one questions its legitimacy as an online dating profile pic.

This is how you duck face right?

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Hailing from Vancouver, Kristen's still trying to figure out how to survive Montreal's Real Legitimate Canadian Winter. So far she's discovered that warm socks, giant toques and Tabby kittens all play a role in her survival. Her ultimate goal is to rank higher than KStew in the "Kristen + Autostraddle" Google Search competition.

Kristen has written 139 articles for us.


    • Ergh, my former asshole neighbour! They were trying to train a kitten to be an outdoor cat so they booted her out each morning. Luckily she’d come running to my apartment complex and we’d bond over sardines. I think the owner got the message when I banged on her door on a particularly snowy night holding the kitty yelling, “I THINK THIS IS YOURS!”

  1. A Wild Queer Appears!

    Kirsten Used Ironic Duckface.

    It was Super Effective.

    I think you just captured my Pokeheart.

  2. Holy crap, you’re adorable. Also, kitties+booze is probably a flawless recipe for successful online dating

    • actually though whenever someone has a cat in her “profile picture” I just don’t even bother clicking because I’m too allergic

  3. I would date anyone wearing fairy lights in a profile picture. In fact, I think I’m going to change my ‘you should message me if’ to ‘you are wearing fairy lights as an accessory right now’.

    • “I know you say that the word cat is more empowering than “pussy,” but I just really like pussy, okay?”

  4. I just so happen to have all of these things within arms reach right now…suddenly I feel like a lady killer instead of a lonely hobbit. Thank you for changing my perspective on everything!

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