What’s up bitches, Sarah, Laneia and I watched this show and we didn’t like it. Let’s begin.
Today we’re starting in the middle, because I gots to cleanse myself of this nonsense before I can move forward. About midway through the episode is one of the most poorly-edited scenes in the history of television, second only to my ninth grade Film/TV Production classmate’s self-edited VHS production of Sublime’s “Santeria,” starring himself skateboarding in the park and lip-syncing on the monkey bars with the “solarize” effect applied haphazardly throughout.
Unfortunately there’s no music in this scene, which involves Nikki and Jill picking up Jill’s friend from the airport and Jill talking about being happy to see him. Maybe the on-air version was better than the screener DVD, but holy crap what a shitmess of a scene.
We weren’t surprised to read that Nikki & Jill contest the scene’s version of events, or that Jill seems a bit put off by the interviewer’s leading questions in her extended interview, or that in this extended scene you can see Nikki’s “irritating looks in the backseat” which were probs more about Jill’s sense of direction than the possibility of her suddenly undressing and boning D-Money, forever losing the rock that she’s got deep in the recesses of his cold male heart.
Jill says things like “there’s definitely feelings for him” and Nikki says “at first our relationship was difficult for him,” but who is “him”? Is it Derek? I mean, we’re supposed to think so, but the audio mixing is so bad that most of these sentences seem to pull words from several different sources.
Why do we see footage from three different Nikki interviews? During the entire scene, the only time we actually see someone speak the words we hear is when Derek comments on Jill’s ring and Nikki responds, “I take care of my bitch.”
I’d go on, but whatever.
Perhaps that’s ultimately what’s so strange about the program: the lack of premise has required editors to add drama where there is none. It’s almost like The Real L Word itself is jumping the shark for reality-based television in general — and because lesbians are such a notoriously outraged bunch, I can’t imagine this thing disappearing quietly, The Littlest Bachelor-style. It’s premium cable and not network, so the show can’t get canceled.
Conflicts thus far? Zip. Zero. Well, there’s Whitney kissing three indiscernible versions of the same human and Rose and Natalie fighting about commitment and partying, but everyone else seems fairly content — good jobs, no yearning for more in life, good relationships, good looks, etc. Y’all made some acute points in the comments on my first Real L Word recap:
Bizzle: I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?!
Sally: … despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated: dull… I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs. Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.
Shaqueera: The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this”… was whack.
Robin: Why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srsly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore I’m so bored watching them hit the town.
Leave it to Ilene Chaiken to find a way to make something as terrible as it could possibly be. She should run for president – we could bathe our children in oil spill and anthrax.
Anyhow you bastards, I said I wasn’t going to recap this episode unless I got $300 of Paypal donations, and well, you came through. We were holding steady at $295 until this morning when we crossed the threshold, so I’m doing it in gratitude!
Also, because of Nat!
Here’s a donate button p.s.:
This week’s riveting opener is “What kind of lesbian are you?” Because that is what we are: we are all types of lesbians. Whitney snags this opportunity to once again point out her hammer-holding abilities (The Indigo Girls can handle that and a nail, so really it ain’t no thang, Whit-Whit) and Mikey, eschewing constricting labels like “butch” and “futch” and “dutch,” says she’s a “Mikey lesbian.”
Jill points out, “I don’t think you’d ask a straight person what kind of straight person are they. You love who you love and can’t the conversation end there?”
Just Look at my Back, Okay? Just Look at my Fucking Back!!!
Tracy gives a few WTF looks before offering up, “the kind that likes girls?”
+What the Hell Are You Talking About Now?
Riese: Thank you, Jill.
Laneia: Thank you, Tracy.
In the Hot Seat
We last left our Don Juan Whitney at the airport, where she dropped off one girl and picked up another. The new girl, Tor, looks identical to the last one. Whitney explains that Tor just got a job in LA and is gonna crash at Whitney’s ’til she “gets her bearings,” that Tor is Alyssa’s cousin, and — wait for it — Whitney and Tor have you know, “HOOKED UP.” In the “past.”
Laneia: Oh my god that is such a mistake!
Riese: Or a great set-up for a dramatic television series!
Oh, the past. You dirty wicked Whitney and your past; chock-full of skinny, tan, dark-haired girls with gigantic earrings and eager wet tongues.
Come On Let Us Futches Handle the Bags
Whitney continues, “We’re U-Hauling it and I haven’t even started dating her yet!” and then she explains what the U-Haul joke is, and this whole shenanegan causes us all to black out from slamming our foreheads into the wall, so we miss the rest of the scene. I’m not kidding, I can’t. I JUST CAN’T DO THIS.
Mikey tells us that she was born and raised in the projects and her best friend was shot and killed right next to her when she was 9, which is really fucking interesting.
About 100% more interesting than “Mikey trying to establish herself as the leader of the non-existent LA Fashion Week,” which is what we jump to next —
Mikey is looking at… spaces. That’s right. Large, spacious rooms. Big rooms. Lots of space. Spacious rooms. Empty, empty, empty large rooms.
Riese: The runway is longer you guys, and you know what they say about a girl with a long runway!
Laneia: She takes more time walking down the runway?
Sarah: A longer scene?
Riese: Never mind.
Back to the Tracy and Stamie Show! This week’s topic is “Dating a lady with kids is hard.” For example, Stamie’s son, Jagger, is “special needs.” Tracy explains: he has Williams Syndrome, a form of autism.
Riese: Everything is a form of autism these days.
Laneia: My ass is a form of autism.
The Kid Stays in the Picture, Wants the Cereal
This, again, is totally fascinating (our inappropriate jokes notwithstanding) but instead we return to the relationship’s alleged conflict. In addition to the daily stresses of feeding and bathing other humans, this week the kids are coughing a lot (Stamie tells Jagger “You need to quit smoking! No more cigarettes for you!”) but that’s okay, because Stamie is still funny:
Stamie: If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch would run her ass down Ventura Blvd and I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.
I dunno, these kids are super cute for real:
A special moment of tenderness by the indoor palms:
We Have Long Hair
Stamie thanks Tracy for all her help, and they share a super-cute moment on the couch that makes us all feel like our relationships totally suck and we probs need kids or a couch or something. Then Stamie tells Tracy she looks pretty and asks, “Did you shower today?” which is like, fucking perfect.
I Had a Similar Idea Called Sexual Fluids
Sarah: Nikki always adds the h’s like Martha Stewart.
Laneia: She is always talking in her sexy voice.
Jill used the book as a tool to explain her fluiditity to her parents, thank the good lord, because her own explanation of her sexuality is sort of hard to follow — which is fine. Clearly she’s still figuring it out, but it’s not getting in the way of her relationship with Nikki.
Jill: “For me it’s still very much about the person versus the gender. And some might argue, ‘Isn’t that bisexuality?’ Bisexuality still positions you as liking men and liking women. I’m coming at it from a point of ‘I wanna like the person.”
Jill says they have to talk about bisexuality and get it out there because nobody talks about this. Actually they do, it’s just incredibly difficult to get funding for such projects so um, lest I journey further down the trail of bisexual publishing industry rage, I’d just like to briefly applaud Jill and Nikki’s project, because they’re working with one of the women who’s spent a great deal of time on this topic. I hope they do it well, unlike that time Ilene Chaiken had an idea to make a show about lesbians living their lives in West Hollywood. Or um, Lez Girls.
Nikki says Jill dated women before Nikki but is still a bit uncomfortable about the labels. Jill is 60% comfortable saying she’s openly gay, but 100% comfortable saying she is in love with a woman.
I’m 100% sure that the author of the book is adorbs / reminds me of Berkeley: