What’s up bitches, Sarah, Laneia and I watched this show and we didn’t like it. Let’s begin.
Today we’re starting in the middle, because I gots to cleanse myself of this nonsense before I can move forward. About midway through the episode is one of the most poorly-edited scenes in the history of television, second only to my ninth grade Film/TV Production classmate’s self-edited VHS production of Sublime’s “Santeria,” starring himself skateboarding in the park and lip-syncing on the monkey bars with the “solarize” effect applied haphazardly throughout.
Unfortunately there’s no music in this scene, which involves Nikki and Jill picking up Jill’s friend from the airport and Jill talking about being happy to see him. Maybe the on-air version was better than the screener DVD, but holy crap what a shitmess of a scene.
We weren’t surprised to read that Nikki & Jill contest the scene’s version of events, or that Jill seems a bit put off by the interviewer’s leading questions in her extended interview, or that in this extended scene you can see Nikki’s “irritating looks in the backseat” which were probs more about Jill’s sense of direction than the possibility of her suddenly undressing and boning D-Money, forever losing the rock that she’s got deep in the recesses of his cold male heart.
Jill says things like “there’s definitely feelings for him” and Nikki says “at first our relationship was difficult for him,” but who is “him”? Is it Derek? I mean, we’re supposed to think so, but the audio mixing is so bad that most of these sentences seem to pull words from several different sources.
Why do we see footage from three different Nikki interviews? During the entire scene, the only time we actually see someone speak the words we hear is when Derek comments on Jill’s ring and Nikki responds, “I take care of my bitch.”
I’d go on, but whatever.
Perhaps that’s ultimately what’s so strange about the program: the lack of premise has required editors to add drama where there is none. It’s almost like The Real L Word itself is jumping the shark for reality-based television in general — and because lesbians are such a notoriously outraged bunch, I can’t imagine this thing disappearing quietly, The Littlest Bachelor-style. It’s premium cable and not network, so the show can’t get canceled.
Conflicts thus far? Zip. Zero. Well, there’s Whitney kissing three indiscernible versions of the same human and Rose and Natalie fighting about commitment and partying, but everyone else seems fairly content — good jobs, no yearning for more in life, good relationships, good looks, etc. Y’all made some acute points in the comments on my first Real L Word recap:
Bizzle: I’m hoping in the next few episodes they’ll reveal that they know each other. I mean, they couldn’t find a group of queer people who are friends in LA?!
Sally: … despite all the things I expected it to be, it managed to be something entirely unanticipated: dull… I think the problem is that it’s completely lacking any humour. Even the unintentional stuff just caused guffaws of embarrassment rather than belly laughs. Chaiken and co must have been so focused on casting the Shane and the Papi that they forgot about the Alice.
Shaqueera: The poorly-lit hookup and the obligatory romantic sunrise shots accompanied by “[awkward orgasm noise] I’m gonna come. You’re so good at this”… was whack.
Robin: Why not have some actual single ladies on the show? Nothing against GOOD relationships obvs, but srsly not one of these ladies is actually single and therefore I’m so bored watching them hit the town.
Leave it to Ilene Chaiken to find a way to make something as terrible as it could possibly be. She should run for president – we could bathe our children in oil spill and anthrax.
Anyhow you bastards, I said I wasn’t going to recap this episode unless I got $300 of Paypal donations, and well, you came through. We were holding steady at $295 until this morning when we crossed the threshold, so I’m doing it in gratitude!
Also, because of Nat!
Here’s a donate button p.s.:
This week’s riveting opener is “What kind of lesbian are you?” Because that is what we are: we are all types of lesbians. Whitney snags this opportunity to once again point out her hammer-holding abilities (The Indigo Girls can handle that and a nail, so really it ain’t no thang, Whit-Whit) and Mikey, eschewing constricting labels like “butch” and “futch” and “dutch,” says she’s a “Mikey lesbian.”
Jill points out, “I don’t think you’d ask a straight person what kind of straight person are they. You love who you love and can’t the conversation end there?”
Just Look at my Back, Okay? Just Look at my Fucking Back!!!
Tracy gives a few WTF looks before offering up, “the kind that likes girls?”
+What the Hell Are You Talking About Now?
Riese: Thank you, Jill.
Laneia: Thank you, Tracy.
In the Hot Seat
We last left our Don Juan Whitney at the airport, where she dropped off one girl and picked up another. The new girl, Tor, looks identical to the last one. Whitney explains that Tor just got a job in LA and is gonna crash at Whitney’s ’til she “gets her bearings,” that Tor is Alyssa’s cousin, and — wait for it — Whitney and Tor have you know, “HOOKED UP.” In the “past.”
Laneia: Oh my god that is such a mistake!
Riese: Or a great set-up for a dramatic television series!
Oh, the past. You dirty wicked Whitney and your past; chock-full of skinny, tan, dark-haired girls with gigantic earrings and eager wet tongues.
Come On Let Us Futches Handle the Bags
Whitney continues, “We’re U-Hauling it and I haven’t even started dating her yet!” and then she explains what the U-Haul joke is, and this whole shenanegan causes us all to black out from slamming our foreheads into the wall, so we miss the rest of the scene. I’m not kidding, I can’t. I JUST CAN’T DO THIS.
Mikey tells us that she was born and raised in the projects and her best friend was shot and killed right next to her when she was 9, which is really fucking interesting.
About 100% more interesting than “Mikey trying to establish herself as the leader of the non-existent LA Fashion Week,” which is what we jump to next —
Mikey is looking at… spaces. That’s right. Large, spacious rooms. Big rooms. Lots of space. Spacious rooms. Empty, empty, empty large rooms.
Riese: The runway is longer you guys, and you know what they say about a girl with a long runway!
Laneia: She takes more time walking down the runway?
Sarah: A longer scene?
Riese: Never mind.
Back to the Tracy and Stamie Show! This week’s topic is “Dating a lady with kids is hard.” For example, Stamie’s son, Jagger, is “special needs.” Tracy explains: he has Williams Syndrome, a form of autism.
Riese: Everything is a form of autism these days.
Laneia: My ass is a form of autism.
The Kid Stays in the Picture, Wants the Cereal
This, again, is totally fascinating (our inappropriate jokes notwithstanding) but instead we return to the relationship’s alleged conflict. In addition to the daily stresses of feeding and bathing other humans, this week the kids are coughing a lot (Stamie tells Jagger “You need to quit smoking! No more cigarettes for you!”) but that’s okay, because Stamie is still funny:
Stamie: If Tracy took a second to think about this and break it down, that bitch would run her ass down Ventura Blvd and I’d have to stop her with my vehicle.
I dunno, these kids are super cute for real:
A special moment of tenderness by the indoor palms:
We Have Long Hair
Stamie thanks Tracy for all her help, and they share a super-cute moment on the couch that makes us all feel like our relationships totally suck and we probs need kids or a couch or something. Then Stamie tells Tracy she looks pretty and asks, “Did you shower today?” which is like, fucking perfect.
I Had a Similar Idea Called Sexual Fluids
Sarah: Nikki always adds the h’s like Martha Stewart.
Laneia: She is always talking in her sexy voice.
Jill used the book as a tool to explain her fluiditity to her parents, thank the good lord, because her own explanation of her sexuality is sort of hard to follow — which is fine. Clearly she’s still figuring it out, but it’s not getting in the way of her relationship with Nikki.
Jill: “For me it’s still very much about the person versus the gender. And some might argue, ‘Isn’t that bisexuality?’ Bisexuality still positions you as liking men and liking women. I’m coming at it from a point of ‘I wanna like the person.”
Jill says they have to talk about bisexuality and get it out there because nobody talks about this. Actually they do, it’s just incredibly difficult to get funding for such projects so um, lest I journey further down the trail of bisexual publishing industry rage, I’d just like to briefly applaud Jill and Nikki’s project, because they’re working with one of the women who’s spent a great deal of time on this topic. I hope they do it well, unlike that time Ilene Chaiken had an idea to make a show about lesbians living their lives in West Hollywood. Or um, Lez Girls.
Nikki says Jill dated women before Nikki but is still a bit uncomfortable about the labels. Jill is 60% comfortable saying she’s openly gay, but 100% comfortable saying she is in love with a woman.
I’m 100% sure that the author of the book is adorbs / reminds me of Berkeley:
Tracy originally met Stamie at Stamie’s comedy show. I guess Stamie told a joke and then they made out or something. One day a light bulb went off in Stamie’s head — I am just mentioning this because if one more light bulb goes off in somebody’s head or limbs on this show there’s going to be a serious blackout — and she realized she had a crush on Tracy and Tracy said it was mutual and now here they are, heading to the courts.
I hope they’ll be playing against these hotties:
Stamie: I haven’t played ball in a really long time, and I haven’t played with balls in an even longer time. It’s so weird.
Cue Hot Girls Playing Basketball Montage
Look Whitney’s in the Background PS
Following this game in which nobody got sweaty, Stamie and Tracy head to The Abbey. Tracy says she was impressed with Stamie’s basketball skills and Tracy’s friends love Stamie. My friends also love Stamie. We have a lot in common, let’s run away together, far far away from here/this show.
Tracy: Do you see any of your friends here?
Stamie: Uh no. My friends are old, they died.
Speaking of those unfortunately still living, OMG, guess who shows up at the bar. It’s Whitney and her camera crew!
Actually This is Probably Not Set Up At All For Real, This Happens
Though Whitney just wanted one drink, she says she ends up staying all day ’cause all her friends are there.
This is perhaps the most predictable event of this show thus far. Oh, The Abbey. They must lose thousands a year from lesbians who take up entire tables all afternoon because all their friends keep showing up.
Then Romi shows up, surprise, and then –THEN!! — collective facepalm Romi is actually interviewed! I’m 85% sure that Romi is just one of Whitney’s other girlfriends slathered in tanning oil and with her earrings unraveled.
Lesbian Squabble #6: Have You Ever Noticed that Whenever Whitney Enters the Show, Someone Leaves Crying?
In the Ring: Romi vs. Whitney
Content: Whitney takes Romi outside and starts talking a bunch of bullshit – it’s edge-of-your-seat riveting action in which Whitney feeds Romi (who’s really hot when she’s not being interviewed, p.s.) a bunch of lines about how she can’t deny the chemistry between them, but there are ‘complicated’ ‘situations’ etc.
Who Won? At the end, there’s some kissing:
Whitney says that’s how fights often go with lesbians. Arguing, and then making out.
Having been on both sides of those fights, I would say that this is at once the most thrilling/terrible conclusion to any argument ever, and everyone wins/loses.
Listen. Whitney. I’m gonna just have to turn this one over to my girl Ani DiFranco:
You can’t hide behind social graces
So don’t try to be all touchy-feely
‘Cause you lie in my face of all places
But I’ve got no problem with that really
What bugs me is that you believe what you’re saying
What bothers me is that you don’t know how you feel
What scares me is while you’re telling me stories
you actually believe that they are real
The difference between Shane and Whitney is self-actualization: Shane knew what she was doing and never led people on, whereas Whitney seems to lead EVERYONE on, without much thought about how it could hurt them.
Just so the men for whom this show was created don’t lose interest, we learn that Natalie’s last relationship was with a man but they didn’t have the “chemistry” she has with Rose.
If someone says the word “chemistry” one more time on this show they are going to have to rename it Bill Nye the Science Lesbian.
Soooo Natalie and Rose go out to celebrate their monthly anniversaries. Every month. Hallmark must love these kids.
Riese: Oh my god my ex-boyfriend used to do that with his ex-girlfriend, and he had this whole box of Hallmark cards from her from each month and I was like, “We might have to break up over this. What is wrong with you.”
Sarah: I would quit, I would say we can not have monthly anniversaries!
Laneia: No! No! God I would not do that!
Sarah: Who is watching the road in this scenario?
Riese: The cameraman?
They have a little fight in the car about Rose thinking Natalie would stick holes in the condom to get preggers. I think the lesbian equivalent of that is just hanging out with a turkey baster up your vadgehole all the time with holes in it or something. Natalie looks so young, I want her to be a critter in a hoodie and we can cuddle and I can stick my arm through her earrings, etc.
I can’t really help it when I feel this pressure
At their romantic candle-lit dinner, we come again to the topic of babies because Rose is concerned that “we’re seven months in and you wanna be nine months out.” Maybe Natalie has a secret baby inside her, like in the The Village of the Damned, and it’s gonna be a power of the clam DEMON BABY!
Natalie says that she has inspired Rose to be a better woman, just like in that movie As Good As it Gets.
Natalie also adds that she’s asked Rose if she will ever retire the party scene and Rose said she will in a year. It’s like basketball sort of or hip-hop or acting.
Laneia: Oh come on, she’ll quit the party scene when she gets old and ugly, like everyone does.
Then Rose gives her a giant thing of flowers to put in a vase where they can wilt and die. There are so many flowers being given out on this show, fuck this website, I’m starting a flower shop.
My first client is Natalie’s imaginary wedding with Rose, who says Natalie is lucky to have her. This would be a good moment to break out into “Take Me Or Leave Me” from RENT, but instead they just sit there without singing and then we get some more LA b-roll.
Lesbian Squabble #7: Just Call Me Shameless
In the Ring: Romi vs. Whitney vs. Alysssa
Content: Bla bla bla bla bla bla -Ke$ha
Who Wins? We were screaming too loud to tell BUT, at the end, Whitney has a revelation that maybe she should think about other people’s feelings, partially enabled by Alyssa, who um, we kinda love a lot. She comes out to tell Whitney to probs not talk to Romi like that with her collar up when Tor is just right inside. Whitney cannot control herself physically around Romi. I have a solution: you should probs not be around Romi anymore, and if you see her in a bar, just kinda say hey and walk away. Okay? Sound good? Time’s up, we have to stop now. Next!
IT’S SEXYTIME AT ROSE & NATALIE’S!
Riese: They light so many fucking candles on this show!
Sarah: This is why their sex life is so exciting: all the candles!
Laneia: Don’t fuck me unless you went to the Dollar Store today.
Lesbian Sexy Moment #2: Candles Are The New Cats
The Players: Rose & Natalie
The Pick-Up: “I want to have sex right now.”
I WANT SWEET SOUR CHICKEN
Mikey is putting on a show with elements, and it is going to be in a big space and everyone is eating Kung Pao chicken out of boxes and Mikey is very important. Later tonight, she’ll be inducted into the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce for all of her work inventing LA Fashion Weekend and reigniting LA Fashion Week with the energy it needed to exist again and hopefully Raquel will be there because Raquel smiles a lot.
Cute Girl, Cute Dog, What Else Can a TV Viewer Ask For (Besides Plot or Whatevs)
Whitney and Alyssa have a business doing special effects makeup. Today, they’re gonna make a torso for a horror movie by painting a cute girl blue.
Kat: If I have no eyebrows after, you have to give me 300 dollars.
Whitney: For what?
Kat: To get new eyebrows!
Blue Woman Group
Whitney says she moved to LA a year and a half ago after hitting a rough patch in NYC. The editing here is a bit dodgy and what she describes next is hardly a “rough time” — it’s a “serious neurological disorder” which is like 500x worse than a “rough time,” which makes me think she was about to talk about something else, but okay! It’s called Gullain-Barrè Syndrome and it left her blind, deaf and paralyzed temporarily. Clearly she is now fine and all of her fists are able to fist whomever needs fisting or covering in blue paint.
After dealing with GBS, she’s now decided to live life to the fullest. Not sure how that brought her to LA, but it’s probs safe to say she has found “the fullest” in someone’s vadge.
Then the Nikki/Jill/Derrek thing happens.
Nobody Else Wanted to be in Ilene Chaiken’s Show
Tracy meets up with her male friend in an empty restaurant for more exposition, including some talk about how her mother still wishes she’d marry a dude like that dude. But he seems gay, right?
Papi and Her Dad Are Sitting on the Couch, Talking
Rose’s Dad comes over to sit on the couch and talk about how Rose drinks too much and should just marry Natalie and have babies.
COME TO POPPA
Whitney asks Tor to come leap upon her like a baby koala, and she does, just like in the wild.
Laneia: Do not even call someone a Baby Koala if you are going to stomp all over their heart!
Then Whitney compliments Tor on how smooth her buns feel in those pants.
Whitney: I love your butt in these pants.
Alyssa: I feel like I’m gonna die.
Tor: You shouldn’t have eaten Yarn Fish.
Alyssa: I’m trying to be good I had steamed vegetables and Yarn Fish for lunch!
Whitney: Her buns feel very smooth in this.
Alyssa: I love that that’s all you heard right now, yourself saying that statement instead of any of the words coming out of my mouth.
Also, You Smell
Alyssa gives Whitney a lot of shit because it’s very easy for Whitney to just lead everyone on, but she can’t fuck with Alyssa’s cousin like that. THAT’S FAMILY MAN THAT’S FAMILY AND NOT LIKE “WE’RE ALL FAMILY BECAUSE WE’RE GAY” but like they are related like by blood and shit, like in Family Ties.
Tor: I wanna punch you in the face.
Tor: I don’t know I just wanna.
Whitney: Do it then!
Tor tells us that “Whitney’s amazing. She has a really good personality and she’s a very loving person. I would like to have a relationship with Whitney but I don’t know what to do.”
In lieu of figuring out what to do, she walks around in her towel which gets Whitney super riled up. I think Natalie and Tor should get together and leave these chicas in the dust.
Guess What’s Under my Towel BOOBS!
Laneia: This girl is acting like she’s 12 and she’s at her brother’s apartment! You can’t just walk around like that.
Riese: You can’t?
Sarah: You do not walk around in a towel!
Laneia: You do not let them pick you up like a baby koala!
More bisexual talk for all the men at home:
Tor: If you can make me smile I’ll love you. Boy, girl whatever.
Easy enough, ladies, go get yerself that fucking koala before Whitney makes her all broken and unable to love again. Whitney says she wants to give Tor a naked massage and then scissor. She’s joking right. ‘Cause we tried scissoring once and I don’t think it’s a real thing people actually do.
Why is Brooke Always Telling Me Where She’s Having Dinner, wtf is Foursquare
Mikey is excited to get indicted into the Chamber of Commerce and she’s brought her assistant and her intern to the celebration of Los Angeles’s Whitest Men Ever — but hark WHERE IS RAQUEL? Raquel said she’d be there maybe!
Mikey: Raquel is MIA, I think her phone is dead because it’s going straight to voicemail.
The Douchebag is giving out the plaques to all the old white men being indicted and time is tick-tocking away as Mikey plays Ms.Pac Man on her phone and saves a seat for Raquel like a man waiting for his real doll to come in the mail. Alas, Mikey is handed her plaque before Raquel arrives, and she is delighted to be back there with all the men and says something about her big dick/plaque again.
Anyone Wanna Strap on my Plaque?
As Mikey’s busting that pop stand, Raquel shows up and says someone was just talking about Mikey being a boy, which pretty much makes up for everything. I wonder where Raquel was/what she was doing? Probs wizardry or fishing.
Mikey: It’s hard to have a relationship when, you know, she’s working all the time. It’s really really tough to find that balance.
Laneia: It’s so hard to date when we’re both douches.
Riese: It’s like summer’s eve meets summer’s evening.
Remember when Tom Green did this to his parents on The Tom Green Show
Tracy used to go out ’til 2-3 in the morning before she started dating Stamie! She used to do shots at bars! Like on Intervention! Now she gets woken up early by LITTLE MONSTER CHILDREN. JK she doesn’t care really, but I think the producers really want her to.
A Floorplan of my Head and Heart Includes These Human Children
Stamie: You can’t go back to sleep now, that’s not fair, you can’t. I know you didn’t sign up for the kids, I know you didn’t have ’em, but —
Tracy: It’s a package deal?
Stamie: You’re SOL, sister!
Then we get to look at their house while a voiceover says “Can I go back to bed now” with a cough punctuating the scene like the crying baby in Aaliyah’s song for Dr. Doolittle.
Look, it’s a Rack of Clothing
I Wish Whitney Was Here to Take That Dress Off and Fuck You
Mikey: I decided to hire Raquel to do hair and makeup because this is the one opportunity I get to spend the day with her.
Then Mikey gets a call that they need a Plan B for their space and is stressed out. Someone else took their space. Most of my friends can’t afford to buy fruits and vegetables, and we like, went to college, which is actually probs the reason why, right now, there’s a convo happening behind me about how all of us have longer hair than we did last year because we can’t afford haircuts. I don’t know, I just find this whole thing really weird. But that could be because I just smoked a bunch of weed in order to make it through this recap. It was on sale, obvs.
Hey I don’t know if you knew this about Rose, but it turns out that she used to party a lot. Yup. And Natalie isn’t like that. She wants commitment. Uh-huh. SO WEIRD RIGHT.
Rose’s friends come over to drink and play games, and Rose acts like a complete and total douchetard the entire time, and Natalie gets pissed. She looks super-cute, so one of Rose’s other 600 friends should probs pick up her tiny little body and whisk her away to Never-Neverland.
This is all you need to know about this scene:
1. Justin Beiber shows up with a girl wearing a Snuggie, which makes me love this girl. Hey, This Girl, call me — we’re working on a website that’ll pay you nothing, which is slightly less than you’ll make being in this show.
2. Look, it’s the Dykes to Watch Out For, love them, srsly for reals.
3. Hot Girls Kissing:
4. I’ve been noticing this a lot lately — that bra-strap-matching-with-your-tank thing? That’s over now or something right? Because everyone seems to be rocking racerback tanks with regular bras, and I’m not wasting money on special bras for nothing.
5. At some point everyone starts chanting, “Show your tits!” and this girl actually does:
Rose tells her friend, who she calls “Dude” so I’m gonna go with that —
Dude: There’s not that much hot girls in LA!
Rose: And I get ’em all!
Dude: I’ve noticed!
Rose: I get ’em all, so I don’t give a fuck, dude. The last chick I was with was like, fuckin’ banging, dude! ….Honestly having a girl kills like — [does some weird diving hand motion] — all of it. I’m gonna be honest with you, that’s why I fuck like five girls at a time.
Just so you know, we’ve figured this out physically – fucking five girls at a time – and it involves lying on your back with your legs and arms in the air with someone’s vagina in your mouth.
Yet another tragedy has befallen Whitney: Taylor is having a party, and Romi is gonna be there. Whitney cannot possibly be deterred from attending this social gathering because then the terrorists would win! Alyssa is like, “No you can’t go,” and stuff.
Lesbian Squabble #9: This Episode Is Almost Over What Are We Ordering For Dinner
In the Ring: Whitney vs. Alyssa
Content: Whitney doesn’t know if she wants to get into anything with Tor and it’s a lot to deal with so she’s gonna keep on doing exactly what she’s been doing this whole time and not change a thing.
Who Wins? Alyssa hands-down
Laneia: You know how Spencer Pratt is fun to hate? They’re not even fun to hate.
Laneia: Oh COME ON.
Sarah: It’s just hate-hate.
Riese: I just hate them and don’t want to be around them.
okay actually you know what i can’t keep doing this i have to stop