Twilight Eclipse Totally Eclipsed Team Bella’s Hearts: Movie Review

Tonight we attended the midnight screening of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse, which was about Kristen Stewart, Seattle, the solar system, the importance of abstinence, and boys who can’t keep their shirts on/can’t take their shirts off. This is what we thought about it!

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Stef, Autostraddle Music Writer

Twilight Experience: Has seen all the movies, read all the books.

Feelings: NIKKI REED, HOW FAR YOU HAVE FALLEN. You were so good in Thirteen! I thought you understood teen angst! Then all this shit happened.

I saw the first movie with zero Twilight experience, thought it was hilarious, and read the books. They were HORRIBLE AND OFFENSIVE AND TERRIBLY WRITTEN AND I HATED THEM but i couldn’t put them down and literally BROKE INTO A FRIEND’S HOUSE trying to find the fourth book.

The second movie was predictably hilarious. The third movie was impossibly worse than the first two movies combined, with lots of awkward moments and heated dialogue and Jacob with his shirt off for no good reason. We were the only people in the theatre not wearing “I <3 Boys Who Sparkle” or “Team Edward (until Jacob takes his shirt off)” t-shirts.

We felt strongly that Kristen Stewart was missing Dakota Fanning’s tender embrace during the make-out scenes. We also felt strongly about Alice being super cute.

We felt very confused about Jasper suddenly being a southern gentleman. When Bella was basically begging Edward to stick it in and he was talking about how he’s a real gentleman who would love to properly court her and ask her father for her hand, I kept yelling “JUST THE TIP!”

In short, I totally fucking hated this movie, especially since it’s based on a book where nothing happens, but at least Eclipse was full of feelings. can’t wait for the fourth movie, where (SPOILERZ) they finally do it. Nobody goes to these movies because they’re well-written, or well acted.

We go because Kristen Stewart looks good in a hoodie.

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Executive Editor Laneia:

Twilight Experience: Read all the books, saw all the movies, has strong feelings for Kristen Stewart.

Feelings: Having already read Eclipse, my greatest concern regarding this movie was how much Riese would fucking hate it. It’s the most anti-feminist of the four books, sprinkled with all sorts of (what I perceived to be) Mormon propaganda and shockingly rapey / misogynist behavior from both of the male leads. Also, even in the book, nothing worth a damn happened, aside from all the near-rape and emotional abuse.

Yeah I know, it’s a just a book. I KNOW, YOU GUYS. And I really enjoyed the other three in a terrible/awesome way! But hey guess what, books actually do affect generations of people, which can sometimes (like this time) be HORRIFYING! Wheee!

Eclipse made me stabby when I read it and, even with the edge-softening sake and 40 oz. can of Budweiser that Crystal picked up for me while she was buying cookies, the movie version was only mildly less stupid. They toned down the rapey Jacob moments and pared down the manipulative, controlling Edward moments, so kudos to you, Melissa Rosenberg!

Unfortunately, someone also forgot to make it interesting? Or like, good? Twilight was for the fans, New Moon was a nice little blockbuster, and Eclipse was similar to SOMETHING I NEVER FUCKING WANT TO BUY ON DVD. I mean, do you see what I’m saying? New Moon makes me want to curl up in bed and check out of the world. Eclipse makes me want to watch Dirty Dancing instead.

Oh hey, but at least K-Stew was cute, despite her over-groomed eyebrows. Know who else was in it? Dakota Fanning. You should just watch The Runaways and call it a night.

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Crystal, Music Editor

Twilight experience: Loves the hell out the films and has a major crush on K-Stew

My feelings about Twilight:

1. It was fucking terrible. Not terrible/awesome like the first two films, which I really enjoyed. This was just plain terrible.

2. I feel like all Edward, Bella and Jacob repeated the same conversation 18 times during the movie. But they didn’t have the decency to rephrase their arguments / pretend like there was progress.

3. Did they really think no-one was going to notice that Victoria was being played by a totally different actress from the last film? Because I noticed.

4. My favourite part in the entire film was when Edward rejected Bella’s advances and the girl sitting next to me shouted “JACOB WOULD HAVE RAVAGED THAT FINE ASS!”

5. I think if Bella is going to ‘turn’ for anyone in this movie then it should be Alice, or maybe that new hot lady werewolf who didn’t get nearly enough screen time.

6. I am unable to separate Kristen Stewart and her character Bella. Therefore if Bella gets married and turns into a vampire for Edward then I predict these events will end my all consuming crush on Kristen Stewart and therefore my own desire for mortality.

7. Kristen Stewart seemed a little more straight in this movie, compared to the last. Maybe it’s because she spent 3 hours talking about marriage, I dunno.

8. Regardless, TEAM BELLA.

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Alex Vega, Design Director

Twilight Experience: Has seen both Twilight Movies, wants to bone Kristen Stewart.

Feelings: Most of my feelings about this goddamn movie were expressed via facial expressions, violent hand gestures, and verbal public outbursts while exiting the theater.

So um, basically I’d like to just re-watch “New Moon” (the second Twilight movie) over and over again until I forget the scars left by “Eclipse”.

Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But I know what to expect from a Twilight movie and this did not cut it, in at least fifty different ways! Like, what happened guys! I wanted “terrible/AWESOME” and all we got was painfully terrible. I am upset. Team Bella forevs.

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Editor-in-Chief Riese:

Twilight Experience: Saw the first film, has had special feelings towards K-Stew since Safety of Objects.

Feelings: Like most elements of pop culture, I decided how I felt about this movie back when I first read an article about Stephanie Meyer’s “Twilight” book series in bitch magazine. Bitch Magazine told me: “The Twilight series has created a surprising new sub-genre of teen romance: It’s abstinence porn, sensational, erotic, and titillating.” In other words, Stephanie Meyer THE MORMON wants to brainwash teenage girls into abstaining from one of life’s few glorious pleasures: the joy & awkwardness of premarital high school sex. Because you know, it might make Edward Cullen get all glowy or whatevs. Killing something something.

I saw the first film on TV ’cause it was on and I figured it’d be a good opp to see what I’m already so pre-judgey about before I keep judging it. Twilight was super cool looking but also holy shit Jake-dances-with-wolves’ hair was a hot mess and Cullen was totally controlling to Bella, who seemed like super independent about being totally submissive, which I have feminist feelings about but WHATEVS. It’s like poppyfield teenage love mixed with death and fangs and wars of the worlds.

I didn’t see the second one about moon pies but I saw this one cuz Crystal wanted to and she is the greatest human in the world so I do what she wants me to do.

So! Wow! Ok lots of fields of poppies, flying people, giant animals and that whole shirtless family who turned into monsters! That was cool! I mean, there was a bunch of bullshit about marriage that just screamed PROPAGANDA into my little Jewess ears, forcing me to yell, “She can’t get married, shes GAY!” in a crowded theater, but moving on.

Eclipse was cool and entertaining, once you got over the whole ‘how the hell did this totally masochistic love affair become a worldwide phenomenon’ thing. Bella’s like Helen of Troy in a hoodie. High school! Girl you are in high school. Good luck picking the right college, let alone joining the undead. I was totes on Team Edward because I’m a Dylan McKay kind of girl, not a Brandon Walsher, but I am on Team Jacob now because I think Edward should at least let her try the goods before buying them, and I find Edward a wee bit possessive. I feel this whole THANG is a bit emotionally rapey amirite? Is she brainwashed? I have worries for her.

Also, K-Stew, if you are looking for a band of outsiders to fit into, may I suggest the homosexuals. We cannot get legally married anyhow, would never buy you a Giant Ring because it’s not good for fisting, premaritial sex doesn’t count ’cause gays can’t have real sex obviously, and when we smell your flannel shirt we will not give it to our newborn army to hunt you down and kill you but we will kiss you. You might glow a little, but in a cute way.
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Sarah Medd, Autostraddle Calendar Girl Stylist

Experience: Seen the books, read the movies.

Feelings: So, most of my feelings about the movie are intermittent between many yawns, *yawn* because I found it *yawn* extremely boring *yawn*.  I don’t know what it is about these movies that puts me to sleep, but after about the 3rd time that I found myself opening my eyes from a short nap tonight, I remembered how New Moon triggered a similar reaction…. It’s too bad really because I actually enjoyed the books, and they seemed to have the opposite effect-keeping me up all hours of the night to finish just one more chapter and then just one more.  Maybe it’s the soundtrack.  I’m honestly a little perplexed by Crystal’s favorable review of previous Twilight soundtracks, and perhaps they were better than this one, but I thought the soothing new agey tracks in Eclipse were a little bit too relaxing for me.  I blame the music for at least half of my naps tonight.

Kristen looked amazing though-really loving her long locks, even knowing it was a wig/weave.  I enjoyed all the ass shots, of which there seemed to be many. Go TEAM BELLA!

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55 Comments

  1. I walked out on the first movie when team-beard (that is what they are in real life, right?) started jumping around in the forest, or whatever that was. But then my 15-year-old brother threw a twilight parody segment into the middle of his parody film on the illegal war in Iraq and DADT, making me feel like I should read the books & watch the movies so to better understand his genius.

    I also feel like this review helps me better understand your genius. This is funny. You all are funny.

    Team sex-outside-of-marriage-only FTW.

  2. Thank you for watching this film so I don’t have to.

    I haven’t engaged in Twilight at all, and though this probably makes me a healthier person, I’m starting to get pop culture trivia anxiety, because I know nothing about it. Like what if it comes up in a pub quiz, I would have no clue.

    I just can’t find anything in the franchise to get excited about, maybe because in all the promos I have seen for it, I think Kristen Stewart’s hair looks really bad. And really I would need something to compensate for all the shirtlessness of the boys. Why can’t she just be like she was in Panic Room but a decade older? Also, I think I may be missing a joke, because wouldn’t she have been like 3 when Short Cuts came out?

  3. First of all I wish I watched the movie with you all because your comments had me thinking back to my highschool days watching Rocky Horror at midnight “in the back row..ooh ooohoooooh”.
    That being said, I have not seen the movie yet but will tonight and hopefully will not be too disappointed (although I am already disturbed a bit by some of the previews I saw which totally contradict the way Meyers saw her characters).
    All the same… Dylan McKay is the only man for me (if that does not show my age…:) )
    By the way… I don’t have a problem with the no sex thing. About time someone finally stopped “going with the flow” and stood up for something. If “Bella” did not like that she could have went for Jacob who would not had to be asked twice (or would that be concidered beastility… ew).
    I do have a problem with the “I can’t think for myself” type of character of Bella. I think that does more harm for young girls than having or not having sex.
    Thanks for the wake up call

  4. I’ve seen the movies and read 90% of the books. As a feminist, I hate EVERYTHING about them. I’ll probably watch this one on Monday or Tuesday because sometimes I like to watch things that I know I’m going to hate just so I have something new to bitch about. I’ll buy a ticket to another movie and then sneak in because I don’t want to give them a dime.

    Team Abusive Relationship!

    • omg, I just fucking laughed so hard at “sometimes I like to watch things that I know I’m going to hate just so I have something new to bitch about” because I do that all the fucking time.

      Also, “Team Abusive Relationship!” FTW. You are full of comedy gold. It must be what your jacket is made of.

  5. This is why the only way to truly see these movies is to go to Dallas BBQ (yes, that awful diner-esque restaurant), get supremely trashed on cheap fishbowl margaritas with surprisingly high concentrations of tequila, and then watch it on opening weekend in a sold-out theater with screaming girls who want to kill you because you just can’t stop loudly making snide, drunken comments.

    Clearly, I live on the edge.

  6. Yeh i think the moovies and the books were just borring and badly written as well as pushing a lot of weird “your virginity is the only precious thing you have”, “If he treats you like shit it’s cause he loves you” and “girls that is how love is supposed to be: creepy and possesive” bullshit that I’m better off without and I’d much rather re-read animal farm instead and save the 11$ on tickets

  7. I have never watched nor read any twilight, and I have no desire to ever do so, but I would have sat through it just to hear Riese shout “she can’t get married, shes GAY!” in a theater full of fan girls.

  8. i have not seen this movie (or the previous 2) but if i had i probably would have gotten very drunk and made True Blood/Buffy jokes the entire time.

    so clearly you dodged a bullet there.

    TEAM PANIC ROOM!

    • ‘wants to bone Kristen Stewart’
      ‘SHE’S GAY!’

      I think I tore something laughing. Kristen Stewart is sour sexiness wrapped up in a hoodie. But Eclipse? I don’t hate myself quite enough to sit through that movie.

  9. I wish I could have seen this movie with ppl like you. I wish I could see this movie in a theater crowded with shouting queers. I will have to see in a theater crowded with lil kids and their moms and I am gonna freak them all out by screaming / writhing in my seat / reaching out to touch Bella’s glowy cheeks…
    Also, speaking of her eyebrows, do you know that they were still so tiny and over-tweezed from playing Joan Jett that the makeup lady had to apply tiny clippings of human hair to her face with prosthetic glue for several hours each morning?!

  10. i fell asleep halfway through the first movie and that’s about the extent of my twilight experience. oh i did read the first chapter of the second book. i like how sara medd has “seen the books” and “read the movies”.

  11. I really want to read this but I can’t until I see the movie with my friends! That’s right. I don’t want spoilers about a movie made from a book that has been out for like 3 years, and I don’t even really like the movies.

    I feel like such a fraud. After making such quick judgements about those people who only saw Harry Potter movies instead of reading the books I have turned around and done the same with Twilight. I can’t help it though. I’ve tried to read the books. It’s just the movies are so friggin FUNNY and they are even better when I see them with my friendos.

    Also I think there should be a team Alice thankyouverymuch.

  12. Saw the midnight movie w/ some friends ’cause we read the books so there’s some sad obligation to see the movies in total fan mode(but sans “team” t-shirts and screaming). Seeing Kristen as Bella was annoying and I just watched her as Joan Jett that morning so I mainly thought about that to get through the movie.

  13. Was this reviewed cause we all like Kristen Stewart/hope she is family?
    I’m not being argumentative at all, I just don’t see Autostraddle reviewing Harry Potter for instance.
    Loved this in any case!

    • it was mostly because crystal wanted to go see it, and it was her last night in town so we went because as i said she is Best Human and therefore we did because i love her and alex wanted to see it i think and what’s more fun than fun? FUN WITH RIESE. When you have ‘fun’ with Riese, you don’t just get to experience the fun, you also get to write about it afterwards. Even Stef, who saw a different showing with different people, was roped in. Much like the Cullens, your fun is never safe after meeting me.

  14. I have refused to read the books or see the movies even though my (20 year old) brother and my mom wont shut up about them. I even for realz hurt my mom’s feelings when I said I wouldn’t come out to family movie night to see this crap. I told her we will always have Harry Potter…

  15. I have a suggestion for y’all.

    If you still have one, see Eclipse at a drive in theater with your friends! You can make even MORE obnoxious comments than usual because you are in a car/ far from peeps. And my local drive in makes friggin funnel cake. No lie.

    Also it’s a drive in movie, what’s better than that?

  16. “We also felt strongly about Alice being super cute” is she the vampire one with shortish hair? She’s the only reason I allowed myself to be forced to sit through the second movie (and also so i could judge and complain about it without everyone saying ‘have you even seen/read it?!’)

  17. I haven’t read the books, although my ex provided an excellent running commentary while she was reading them which led to a playlist in my iPod called “just bite her already!” She also dragged me to the first movie.

    Love this recap!

  18. “JUST THE TIP”…lmao…
    Let’s just say that phrase led to a near family beat down in the ER one night.
    I’ve never read the books and only watched 1st and 2nd film on DVD.
    I would literally have to drink every beer the Alamo Drafthouse has to offer to make it through the latest addition.
    First one was okay…
    Second one was just too teen angst for me.

    Team Try on the Shoes Before Purchasing

  19. Isn’t new age music like Yanni? Maybe you’re talking about the score, which I can’t speak to, having not seen any of the movies. I actually thought the soundtrack was more alternative/less indie-sounding than the previous ones.

  20. Now I’ll probably go watch the movie just so I can yell “JUST THE TIP!” and feel all funny and proud of myself even though I totally stole it. Or maybe I’ll yell “JUST THE FINGERTIP!”* when Bella interacts with this Alice everyone keeps talking about.

    *you know, to feel like I made the joke ‘my own’… even though I totally stole it

  21. I have this friend, who is lovely and intelligent..but she LOVES THESE BOOKS AND MOVIES WAY TOO MUCH. They are just…terrible. TERRIBLE. I don’t understand the zeal in which people love this series! Exclamation mark!

  22. I have, for some inexplicable reason, read all the books even though they are so poorly written it brings tears to my eyes how many hours of my life I wasted on that. I cannot explain why I read the books and kept reading them like a crack whore looking for another hit…It’s possible that my unconditional and irrevocable love for KStew may have had something to do with that. Same goes for the movies; I can’t even say that I care about plot lines, character development, acting ability, or the blatant negative effect this entire franchise is having on young girls. Yes…this makes me a bad lesbian and feminist, but I am a crack whore and KStew is my crack, I simply cannot help myself. Well, and even though I already know what the ultimate outcome will be *cringe* I keep hoping that Bella and Alice will sneek off into the woods together and get down…maybe we should write a 5th installment to this sage and post it here 😉

  23. Who is the Cullen Clan’s hairdresser? They should have eaten them instead of let them touch their hair. I can’t decide who’s hair I hated more Emmett or Esme. With so many closeups on Rosalie, they couldn’t make her hair look more natural? And if you haven’t seen Daddy Carlile on Nurse Jackie yet, he looks so much better with dark hair.

    This is what I found interesting about Eclipse as a whole by the way. And that Bryce Dallas Howard should have been Victoria from the beginning of the movies.

    Taylor Lautner’s stubby nose should have been CGI-ed, it was unusually distracting during his closeups. And his underwear sticking out of his cargo shorts looked like a diaper. I was also wondering if they have a magic wardrobe in the middle of the forest that makes their clothes appear after they transform back into humans.

    Then I wondered what yarn they used to make Bella’s hat during the tent scene. And I want to make a t-shirt quilt now.

    Over all I think the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows trailer was the best part of the whole movie.

    Love,
    Team-I-Wish-There-Was-A-Gay-Vampire-In-This-Movie

  24. so the general consensus is KStew is hot, right? Because all I remember from the film is she looked hot.

    Anywho, I can’t wait for the shitshow of the next two films (ugh, TWO!). Reading the book made me feel awkward, so can’t wait to see them!

    I hate Bella the character. I just couldn’t stop reading the books!

  25. Pingback: The Twilight lovers: How the on and offscreen romance has made shy English … – Daily Mail

  26. Stumbled across autostraddle by accident and just wanted to say that Laneia’s review was the funniest f-ing thing I have read in many a year. And accurate too. Just an awful awful movie that makes me feel bad about myself for watching it.
    Stabby indeed.

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