Real L Word Recap Episode 102: Making Something Out of Nothing

Why is Brooke Always Telling Me Where She’s Having Dinner, wtf is Foursquare

Mikey is excited to get indicted into the Chamber of Commerce and she’s brought her assistant and her intern to the celebration of Los Angeles’s Whitest Men Ever — but hark WHERE IS RAQUEL? Raquel said she’d be there maybe!

Mikey: Raquel is MIA, I think her phone is dead because it’s going straight to voicemail.

The Douchebag is giving out the plaques to all the old white men being indicted and time is tick-tocking away as Mikey plays Ms.Pac Man on her phone and saves a seat for Raquel like a man waiting for his real doll to come in the mail. Alas, Mikey is handed her plaque before Raquel arrives, and she is delighted to be back there with all the men and says something about her big dick/plaque again.

Anyone Wanna Strap on my Plaque?

As Mikey’s busting that pop stand, Raquel shows up and says someone was just talking about Mikey being a boy, which pretty much makes up for everything. I wonder where Raquel was/what she was doing? Probs wizardry or fishing.

Omg haaaayyy

Mikey: It’s hard to have a relationship when, you know, she’s working all the time. It’s really really tough to find that balance.

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Laneia: It’s so hard to date when we’re both douches.
Riese: It’s like summer’s eve meets summer’s evening.


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Remember when Tom Green did this to his parents on The Tom Green Show

Tracy used to go out ’til 2-3 in the morning before she started dating Stamie! She used to do shots at bars! Like on Intervention! Now she gets woken up early by LITTLE MONSTER CHILDREN. JK she doesn’t care really, but I think the producers really want her to.

A Floorplan of my Head and Heart Includes These Human Children

Stamie: You can’t go back to sleep now, that’s not fair, you can’t. I know you didn’t sign up for the kids, I know you didn’t have ’em, but —
Tracy: It’s a package deal?
Stamie: You’re SOL, sister!

Then we get to look at their house while a voiceover says “Can I go back to bed now” with a cough punctuating the scene like the crying baby in Aaliyah’s song for Dr. Doolittle.


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Look, it’s a Rack of Clothing

Mikey and The Gallery LA have lots of castings! And fittings! And they’re doing a fashion shoot for a girl named Ani, with a model who is kinda suck.

I Wish Whitney Was Here to Take That Dress Off and Fuck You

Mikey: I decided to hire Raquel to do hair and makeup because this is the one opportunity I get to spend the day with her.

Then Mikey gets a call that they need a Plan B for their space and is stressed out. Someone else took their space. Most of my friends can’t afford to buy fruits and vegetables, and we like, went to college, which is actually probs the reason why, right now, there’s a convo happening behind me about how all of us have longer hair than we did last year because we can’t afford haircuts. I don’t know, I just find this whole thing really weird. But that could be because I just smoked a bunch of weed in order to make it through this recap. It was on sale, obvs.


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Hey I don’t know if you knew this about Rose, but it turns out that she used to party a lot. Yup. And Natalie isn’t like that. She wants commitment. Uh-huh. SO WEIRD RIGHT.

Rose’s friends come over to drink and play games, and Rose acts like a complete and total douchetard the entire time, and Natalie gets pissed. She looks super-cute, so one of Rose’s other 600 friends should probs pick up her tiny little body and whisk her away to Never-Neverland.

This is all you need to know about this scene:

1. Justin Beiber shows up with a girl wearing a Snuggie, which makes me love this girl. Hey, This Girl, call me — we’re working on a website that’ll pay you nothing, which is slightly less than you’ll make being in this show.

2. Look, it’s the Dykes to Watch Out For, love them, srsly for reals.

3. Hot Girls Kissing:

4. I’ve been noticing this a lot lately — that bra-strap-matching-with-your-tank thing? That’s over now or something right? Because everyone seems to be rocking racerback tanks with regular bras, and I’m not wasting money on special bras for nothing.

5. At some point everyone starts chanting, “Show your tits!” and this girl actually does:

Rose tells her friend, who she calls “Dude” so I’m gonna go with that —

Dude: There’s not that much hot girls in LA!
Rose: And I get ’em all!
Dude: I’ve noticed!
Rose: I get ’em all, so I don’t give a fuck, dude. The last chick I was with was like, fuckin’ banging, dude! ….Honestly having a girl kills like — [does some weird diving hand motion] — all of it. I’m gonna be honest with you, that’s why I fuck like five girls at a time.

Just so you know, we’ve figured this out physically – fucking five girls at a time – and it involves lying on your back with your legs and arms in the air with someone’s vagina in your mouth.


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Yet another tragedy has befallen Whitney: Taylor is having a party, and Romi is gonna be there. Whitney cannot possibly be deterred from attending this social gathering because then the terrorists would win! Alyssa is like, “No you can’t go,” and stuff.

Lesbian Squabble #9: This Episode Is Almost Over What Are We Ordering For Dinner

In the Ring: Whitney vs. Alyssa

Content: Whitney doesn’t know if she wants to get into anything with Tor and it’s a lot to deal with so she’s gonna keep on doing exactly what she’s been doing this whole time and not change a thing.

Who Wins? Alyssa hands-down

Laneia: You know how Spencer Pratt is fun to hate? They’re not even fun to hate.
Riese: Who?
Laneia: Oh COME ON.
Sarah: It’s just hate-hate.
Riese: I just hate them and don’t want to be around them.


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okay actually you know what i can’t keep doing this i have to stop

Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2836 articles for us.

77 Comments

  1. So Taylor is a bartender at the Cat Club in San Francisco. Despite the name, there are only a few queer nights each month.

    Anyway! I went to a Pride kick-off party there on Friday night and saw Taylor, and confirmed that yes indeed that is her on The Real L Word. Whitney was also there and looked terribly uncomfortable. Probably because we’re so unpolished or whatever up here.

    Taylor is very sweet and said I was the first person out in public to recognize her from the show, and that she’ll be on a few more episodes. Apparently she and Whitney are old friends from when they both lived in NY.

    This is the end of my Real L Word scoop.

  2. I don’t understand why someone would be excited to get into the Chamber of Commerce. Isn’t that like something anybody can get into as long as they are willing to pay the membership fees, like at Sam’s Club?

  3. How the hell do Rose/Whitney get so much ass? They have to have like special lesbian catnip/clam juice oil or something that they rub on themselves to attract women because it’s obvs not their sparkling personalities.

    Great recap Riese!

    • Whitney seems like the kind of girl who could make a cool friend, but is a spectacularly shitty GF. If she was more authentic, I might not mind her. Alas, alas.

      Rose? Rose is just a Grade A twat machine, dude, just like Mikey.

  4. When you say, “Okay actually you know what, I can’t keep doing this,” you’re not being for realz, are you?! How the hell else am I supposed to “watch” the show!?

        • like we know that they’re still together in real life, soooo it’s really hard for me to give a shit! like okay, here’s a dramatic fight that leads to nothing actually changing in your relationship. i see plenty of those happening around me every day so um, why watch tv?

          • Too true. This show is boring and useless and I’m not watching another episode. We only get tidbits of actually compelling parts of the lives of these women, and the rest is just normal drama, normal happiness, and pure unadulterated assholery. Can we petition to put a stop to future episodes?

  5. I thought the Chamber of Commerce part was a joke at first.

    Also, I laughed so hard at this- “Just so you know, we’ve figured this out physically – fucking five girls at a time – and it involves lying on your back with your legs and arms in the air with someone’s vagina in your mouth.” And it’s made up for my crappy day. Especially since I got the strangest mental picture.

  6. im only on page 2, but i will just comment now…

    major notes:
    1) i’ve known boob/snuggie girl since i was 17 (24 now) and i cant believe the first time i saw her boobs was on reality TV. Sigh.

    2) the racerback shirt/regular bra thing is something i support because I FUCKING HATE SPENDING EXTRA MONEYZ ON BRAS just to be able to wear one or two shirts.

    3) was that “dykes to watch out for”? I’m pretty sure the name of the girl on the couch on the right of that screencap is Courtney. like… 100% pretty sure.
    However, with that said..i havent watched the episode because it is full of suck and your recaps are much much better.

  7. This show sounds even less like the way that we live than the fake L Word. I do wonder if Ilene Chaiken has ever met like, a real, normal person.

    I truly believe that everyone has a story that is beautiful and awesome and heartbreaking and should be told to the world. It should be the function of sort-of-documentary shows like this to tell those stories. These people don’t seem any different – Mikey’s friend got shot next to her when she was 9?! Woah. Tell me about that. I don’t care what kind of lesbian you are, I care about what happened to you and how it made you the person you are. Fo srs.

  8. what group of people is the real l word supposed to be marketed towards? i don’t understand what mama chaiken is aiming for, b/c really, who would enjoy this shit? people who enjoy manipulation, misrepresentation of all lesbians, unjustified generalizations via labels, asinine behavior w/r/t socializing…

    is “asshole” a demographic?

    who gave the a-okay to kill off dana and produce this self-indulgent show?

  9. Riese, thank you for your recaps. I know it must be super hard to watch a show this mind-numbingly awful. Thanks to your recaps, I don’t actually have to watch the show & I feel like this is way more entertaining than the actual show.

    <3… kells.

  10. dear riese & the gang, i’m sorry you can’t afford fruits and vegetables. i’m also sorry you have to recap this mess of a show. since i can’t fix the recap thing, where do i donate?

  11. Lesbian Squabble #fail: “Please don’t feed the Lesbians, they eat just fine on their own”

    In the Ring: Riese’s Recaps vs. the worst show ever, brought to us by IFC.

    Content: AS’s fearless leader tries not to drill a hole through her brain while watching an ill-conceived effort at promoting Lesbianism to Chamber’s of Commerce across America.

    Who wins? no one. no one could ever possibly win this. ever.

    so, um … yeah.

  12. Being British, I often get envious of US TV. However I feel if I was subjected to this I would potentially scrape out my lesbian womb and shove a carrot down my pants in order to fully disassociate myself from this!!!

        • Um, yeah? Skins is probably the teevee show that is closest to my life, for sure. I mean, everyone is prettier and takes more drugs and is much wittier on Skins, and I don’t know anyone who got murdered with a baseball bat, but other than that it’s pretty realistic.

          Aha, I’m not going to take this show as a sample for a whole country, but seriously these people are terrifying. No one cares about anything and none of them have a reason for being an arsehole. I’m actually more disturbed by the people around them who can’t see that they’re terrifying. Like why does Whitney get so many girls wtf.

          And don’t worry, everyone wants to fuck Effy. It’s the eyes/mental breakdown. Hotstuff.

    • I did my regular L Word recaps for free for three years. And it actually does literally take me about 30 hours to do these ones — and that’s with Crystal helping me out with screencaps while she was in town. When I started writing L Word recaps I had two jobs, lots of freelance work and was two weeks away from being out of debt forever. Now I have heaps of debt, no jobs, no sleep and no time. Get out now, Bronzey. Get out now before it’s too late. I mean FOLLOW YOUR HEART!!!!

      • Shit, I guess it’s payback time, but still! I’m starting out with heaps of debt, no job, a move on the horizon, and hell… I’ll keep doing it. Luckily, the recap didn’t take 30 hrs (holy shit!). Anyway, I like making fun of people too much. This show brings out the best (worst?) in me!

  13. I just want everyone to know that Carly is in the other room watching this episode and I am in this room, where I cannot see or clearly hear the TV, reading this recap. This is all I’ll ever need of The Real L Word.

  14. Why isn’t it fair to go back to sleep? Like, can’t they take turns?

    Only people with really good incomes can celebrate monthly anniversaries. Unless by “celebrate our anniversary” you mean “hold my hand and tell me I’m pretty while I call and ask for forbearance on my loans again”.

    • When my girlfriend and I had our first kid, I would become irrationally angry if she was sleeping while I was up with the baby…like CRAZY angry. So when I was feeding him, I would poke her constantly so that she couldn’t sleep. I don’t know why but it did seem unfair for her to be sleeping. You don’t think clearly when you are sleep-deprived. By the time the second came around, I realized that parents need to sleep whenever they can or there is a lot of yelling/weeping.

  15. Holy jeezys! Bill Nye and Family Ties in the same post, FTW!!! Great job, Riese! Also, did you mean to say indict when talking about the Chamber of Commerce? I think the first mention of the COC, you said inducted, but then used indicted twice, but I can’t blame you, by that time you had probably already stabbed yourself in the brainbox with a dull, rusty spoon. But seriously, I LOL’d thru the whole thing:)

  16. sweet jesus… my friend got up and left the room near the beginning of this episode to watch paint dry. literally. and she swears it was more entertaining and made her want to kill herself less. Riese, i have adored you and your amazing recaps for years, but don’t feel like you have to keep going. in this case, rather than terrible slash awesome, this show is terrible slash destroys my will to live.

  17. I don’t know if I can handle hearing Mikey say “LA fashion week” or any variation of that one more time. For reals, I think she said that more in one episode than I’ve heard Heidi Klum say the NY week in a season worth of Project Runway.

    Plus, Heidi has better hair.

  18. I watched this episode to be prepared for your recap. So thank you for being amazing and witty, and fuck you for being amazing and witty.

    My friend and I said “thank god!” at the same time when the credits started.

  19. For some reason I found the second episode a little less excruciating to watch. I think it’s because:
    a) my expectations were much lower (like way lower)
    b) I felt numb after the first few minutes
    c) I knew I could help make the pain go away by reading this recap afterward.

    I can’t figure out if these ladies are all total douches/really boring or if it’s more the editing. It seems like IC and crew are throwing the characters under the bus to try to salvage something from this suck. I also cringed at how the situation with Jill and Nikki was portrayed. Of course what can we expect? After all IC transformed Alice’s character from funny bisexual chic to bisexual hater so fast it made my head spin.

  20. Riese…it’s like when the English teacher makes you write a paper about As You Like It and as much as you love W.S., you have to prove that, yes, no matter how much gender-queering and cross-dressing and gay content, Shakespeare thinks that marriage between men and women is the only way for society to not fall apart. At the end of the day, Ilene, not you, is creating this content, you are simply providing the opinion of the people. You are the only voice of reason we have left.

    You just have to remember that THIS SHOW IS NOT YOUR FAULT. In fact, you are doing everything in your power to counteract the inevitable oil-spill-esq backlash that this shit of a show will inspire in entitled straight people the world over. God help us. And please keep recapping, because I am NOT ordering Showtime. I will buy you breakfast.

  21. Tidbit: I kept seeing the cast everywhere during SF pride. Hotel bar, dyke march, in a really crowded sandwich shop for a long time. I asked “is the hilarity of having a photo with them worth the ego boost it will give them?”. I decided no. But they didn’t seem as bad in real life. Tracy, Stamie, and Natalie were the nicest and cutest, obvs. Tracy had to squeeze past me once and smelt delicious, obvs.

    Mikey was also at the Eden Comedy Show and Gina Yashere and Sandra Valls were giving her a lot of shit including “there’s been one show, you’re not famous yet” and imitations of her freaking out about the comp cards. Then Mikey started tweeting about it during the show and Sandra called her out. I loved it. It made me feel slightly ok about missing Rodeo Disco 2, but only slightly.

  22. I just want to punch Ilene Chaiken in the face!!!
    I feel sorry for the lesbians in L.A. who are going to get stereotyped by middle America and beyond….I want to go and whisk Tracy away from the madness!!!

  23. so, I watched this and I’ve decided that I wanna see the Real Stamie Show. She has the potential to be “the Alice”, and Alice ain’t no sidekick.

    also, I think it’s kinda dangerous if you throw too many light bulbs and chemistry in the mix, just saying.

  24. This show should have been called Awesome Tracey and The Douchettes.
    I want more Tracey, less douchie stereotypes.

    I’m in love with Tracey, she won me with her facial expressions. :)

    P.s
    I am medium rare, soft, fem-butch with hardcore butch tendencies and a splash of lip gloss… I’m just saying.

  25. i don’t even know what to do anymore about this show (aside from continuing to watch/hate on it). about 20 minutes in I just started watching youtube videos on my laptop because I was so bored.

    i want to hate crime this show. can i do that?

  26. Per ush, the recap blows the “real show” out of its little cesspool of disproportionate lesbian representation.

    But, seriously. BEST SCREENCAP EVER for Whitney & Romi’s post-fight kissing. The grimace on Whitney’s face is brilliant, and completely real/revealing. Obviously the unavoidable chemistry between those two is fucking PALPABLE with that hot snogging

    I am always going to make out with my eyes open from now on and if my girlfriend ever has that expression on her cute little face, I will know that she secretly hates me and and may want to bite my head off instead of kiss it.

  27. “Laneia: Oh come on, she’ll quit the party scene when she gets old and ugly, like everyone does.”

    I would like to venture that she is already ugly.

    Too harsh? Ok, she’s … not attractive then.

  28. Yeah, I agree with riese that it DOES need to be funnier. Because I feel this show could have went two ways: it could have, in a genuine, interesting, compelling way, shown lesbian life in LA. OR it could have been a spoof of the lesbian scene and people like Rose, Mikey, et al could have been held up as funny stereotypes. Cuz, you know, an emotionally abusive relationship is funny…i don’t know.

    Here’s my real problem with the show: I can’t stop watching. It’s because, I think, I really like seeing real lesbian couples/real lesbians. There isn’t a lot of exposure to real gay couples on tv and some of us are starved for it. I like watching Stamie and Tracy, Mikey and Racquel, etc., because they’re real…but then again, they’re not. Everything’s manipulated and contrived, as evident in the disastrous editing of the show, as pointed out by riese. So I’m a bit angry that Ilene hasn’t at least tried to make it funny and a bit angrier that by giving up on the funny she hasn’t at least used her power/weight to come up with a decent show about lesbians. It just all seems such a waste…of the real lesbians’s time, Ilene’s, and more importantly i must say, OURS.

    I think a great reality tv show would be the real real l word, which would depict the making of this shiteous reality tv show, complete with Ilene splicing sound bytes together on her Mac, calling up her buddies and begging/pleading them to appear on the show, giving the Abbey money/bribing them big time to use their patio constantly, etc. Because that would be funny. And we would see real lesbians in action. Or at least a certain breed of LA lesbians.

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