feature imagine via TLC
When The Learning Channel aired an hour-long reality special about Mormon men who have same-sex attractions but reject the label of gay or bisexual to self-identify as straight, reviews were understandably negative. The ex-gay movement, after all, has done (and continues to do!) irreparable damage to members of our community, and this show’s premise did nothing but strengthen a toxic rationality that anybody can just “choose” to be “straight” if they want it bad enough. Which, whatever you want to do, call yourself a sexuality artist and enter into a binding contract with whomever you choose, but certainly don’t presume you speak for anyone else and then go on TV about it.
But the title alone, not to mention the accompanying promo images of a woman with a strained smile sitting uncomfortably next to a rigid-looking man, did nothing if not scream the exact opposite. “Hi, Linda, how are you?” “Hi, Erin. My husband’s not gay.” That is what this title feels like. Just straight up, no one asked.
TLC is obviously struggling now that this very convincing, very groundbreaking content has cycled through, so I’ve come up with some comparable TV shows to replace it.
Don’t Kiss Me Directly On The Mouth, Meagan Good
This is a show where I find myself in the same room as Meagan Good and I’m very convincing to the audience that I don’t want Meagan Good to kiss me directly on the mouth. That would be super regrettable, if Meagan Good and I kissed, and in this show I express how distasteful I would find that whole experience — Meagan Good kissing me, perhaps sensually, on the mouth. In one scene she outright asks me if I’d be okay with her kissing me and I go, “Absolutely not!”
This is sort of like The Soup where clips of current events play and then it cuts back to a moderator who says, “See? Everything’s fine!” but it’s things like Fox News round tables, clips from Donald Trump rallies, local news footage from Florida, court hearings discussing women’s rights issues in a room full of men and one woman, updates from Trash Island in the ocean, etc.
I Can Definitely Do An Australian Accent
This one is me — you guessed it! — absolutely crushing an Australian accent, something all Americans are born to do. It’s a late-night interview style of segment where a host gives me phrases in her American accent and then I repeat it back with my impeccable Australian accent. I have no problems whatsoever with the tonality, inflection, register, or adding of what sounds like an “R” to things that in in “O.” I just get it and I’m great at it, no questions asked!
That Is So Weird, I Didn’t Get Your Voicemail
This show is me going around to hot spots where I’m most likely to run into people who’ve left me voicemails, but I explain to them I didn’t get their voicemail. My hand has created new muscles with how much I use my phone, and my phone has the ability to register sound waves accurately enough in order to decipher the song faintly playing in a grocery store, but that’s so weird, I didn’t get your voicemail!
This is a show in a car where I convince the person I’m driving with but not talking to that nothing’s wrong. The other person keeps sort of looking over at me as I’m staring ahead dead silent and every now and then will be like, “You sure nothing’s wrong?” and the only two words to ever escape my mouth are, “Nothing’s wrong.” Then we’re in that kind of car standoff where logic has given way to how right one of us is. There’s a scene where the radio station keeps slipping in and out of static, until it’s eventually all static, but neither of us touch the dial because, yep, this is exactly how I want things, wouldn’t change a thing, and also nothing’s wrong.
lol you are a genius
ha! but seriously, nothing is wrong. if there was something wrong i would tell you and not just stare off into the middle distance for eternity.
it’s pretty simple
I’d watch the hell out of Everything’s Fine. It’s the ultimate in societal gaslighting meets defensive I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, MMKAY!
You absolute wit machine.
I was in the studio audience for I Can Definitely Do An Austrailian Accent, when they were filming live in Burbank, CA.
I would very much like to help make Everything’s Fine. I think I’ve found my true calling.
I love this with my whole heart and soul
So- you obviously really ,really LIKE Meagan Wood.
Oh no, your’e a Lesbian.
Sorry- should read Meagan Good.
anne marie don’t tell anyone but..there are a lot of lesbians here
this is like the time someone tweeted at Heather Hoagan, “is there a gay version of your website”
This is one of those caes where reality is already such a parody that it takes talent to make a parody of it! Well done :D
I feel like these are the first five episodes of your super awkward/hilarious reality show. I’d watch the hell outta that.
Also Australian accent tips – you no longer use the letter r when it is in middle of a word, it is perfectly acceptable to drop vowels randomly and every word can be shortened by a syllable and the ending changed to an o, if you so choose.
there is no helping me isles
Way to bring Opposite Day into the 21st century, TLC & Erin
(“My husband’s not gay” and Opposite Day rhyme. COINCIDENCE????)
let’s bring back the “yeah. ON OPPOSITE DAY” burn
I feel like it could come in handy when talking to MRAs…
Let’s just go ahead and get all of this content out there immediately, along with my premiere show “I’m Not Crying, There’s Something in My Eye.” It’s where I sit in a room with a bunch of people who make passive aggressive remarks about me all day, and rather than admit to crying I just blame flaking mascara.
I’m Not Crying, season two: Oh, It’s Just Allergies
You are totally on my level. Co-creator credits?
We’re going to be rich!
I think there must be some evil geniuses over at TLC because as Erin points out, “my husband’s not gay” is the titular equivalent of when your parents say “hi how are you” and you blurt out “I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING”
i cant wait for season 2 of this
It took me soooo long to realize that my mother didn’t actually have psychic powers, I just gave myself away every time.
No, nothing. I didn’t do anything. What?!!
“My husband’s not gay!”
Pfffft. And I’m 5’10.
I’m DYING! Just read this out loud to my girlfriend and we actually LOL’d – love this!
Maybe homosexual men can’t choose to be heterosexual but they have options for dealing with their condition. I admire the honor these guys show in choosing the morality of their community rather than surrendering to the problem.
Hidey ho there neighbor, this is a gay site. Kindly show yourself elsewhere. Lates.
The best way to deal with their condition would be to have happy, healthy relationships with other gay dudes.
R. Edward Teravani is an anagram for “rearward deviant”, jsyk. Have a nice day!
No, it’s extremely foolish that they would violate their personal integrity to conform to an arbitrary set of rules. There is no honor in that, only unnecessary suffering.
I’d also like to see “When are you gonna get a boyfriend?” Its based around a bunch of closeted lesbians going to family cookouts and having everyone ask about them settling down with a nice man but on the inside, they’re just waiting for big mama to die so they can finally introduce their “roommate” as their girlfriend. And yes they have to wait for big mama to die because if they do it before then and she dies within a couple years of that, it’ll always be “that gay shit” that killed her and not the cancer. No one wants to be the lesbian that killed grams.
I’ve been steering clear of the “learning” channel since they stopped trying to actually teach us things. I hate when one section of a community tries to speak for everyone else but I do feel kind bad for these guys. Hating yourself and being miserable isn’t fun.
I feel the same way re waiting for my granny to die before I fully come out to my family. I don’t really care what the rest of them think, I just don’t her death on my hands
My significant other is also waiting for someone on her family to die. It’s a sad situation…
Hurry up and kick it, grandpa. You ruin Christmas by fighting about politics every year anyway!!
“I hate when one section of a community tries to speak for everyone else but I do feel kind bad for these guys. Hating yourself and being miserable isn’t fun.”
As a pretttttty good authority on Australian accents, I will happily make myself available at camp for both tuition and scoring sessions.
You. Are. Welcome.
as soon as i read this, i thought, “Where’s my favorite ‘strayan to comment on ‘straya?” (did i get the accent right?)
I read “scissoring sessions” and thought you go girl ;)
lol as soon as i read this was also 100% like “where’s our girl?”
I just woke up at 5am like, “Gaaaassssp, I forgot to comment on Erin’s thing!” So. I really loved this.