Welcome to week two of Homosexual TV Moments We Didn’t Recap and You Didn’t See Due to Your DVR Being 97 Percent Full Because Your Girlfriend Won’t Delete the Last Season of Grey’s Anatomy Even Though You Can Stream it Now For Free. Unfortunately, that isn’t an SEO-friendly column title. Neither is Riese’s suggestion of Boob(s on Your) Tube, but we’re going with it. You can thank her in the comments.
And so here they are. (This week’s boobs.) (The ones you maybe missed.) (On your tube.)
The Good Wife
Sundays on CBS at 9:00 p.m.
Hallelujah, the heavens declare the glory of Kalinda Sharma! (Again, finally!) On this week’s The Good Wife, Kalinda swaggers her bad ass right over to FBI HQ, a place that is home to many secrets and law enforcement officers, but most importantly is the place of employee of one Ms. Lana Delaney. Kalinda sleeps with her ex-girlfriend for information, which is a total Kalinda move: brandishing her sexual prowess like a lightsaber to gain insider information. And it seems like that’s her only game. She even shuts down Lana’s post-coital story about coming out to her mom.
But that’s like season two Kalinda stuff. The best part about Kalinda’s arc in “Shiny Objects” is we find out Lana actually went snooping around in Kalinda’s stuff, which is an enormous turn-on to Kalinda, because she is so into the idea that someone is as good at playing the game as she is. It actually causes her to open up to Lana in ways she hasn’t done before. Sadly, “You’re as cunning and duplicitous as me!” isn’t exactly the vulnerable sweet-nothings Lana wanted Kalinda to whisper in her ear. So, they’re back off. For now. (But they were sexy, sexy, sexy for a hot second.)
On the double plus side, Kalinda might also be off with Cary. Seems like he thought they were exclusive.
Wednesdays on the CW at 9:00 p.m.
When I first heard the rumor that Arrow was going to kill off Sara “Canary” Lance, I was pretty livid. (I’m still pretty livid. How many female characters, especially queer ones, have to die to propel dudebros’ stories forward before we stuff this trope in the refrigerator once and for all?) (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. offed two lesbian/bi DC characters in a three-episode span for Kate Kane’s sake!) I calmed down a little bit when I heard we’d be getting a several episode arc with Sara’s ex-girlfriend, super assassin Nyssa al Ghul.
This week, I waited. And waited. And waited, waited, waited. This episode features everyone stomping around and talked about how they have failed Canary. Finally, in the closing seconds of the episode, Nyssa shows up, bow and arrow drawn, demanding to know what the actual hell happened to Sara.
It took long enough, but I’m glad to finally see someone whose outrage matches my own! A little bird — sorry, too soon — told me we’d be getting some Sara/Nyssa flashbacks. That better be true.
The Walking Dead
Sundays on AMC at 10:00 p.m.
Good news! According to my sources who are not terrified of guts and blood, lesbian zombie fighter Tara has lived through another week of the apocalypse! She is traveling around with two people, Maggie and Glenn, both of whom are good guys, I think, and my source (my girlfriend, okay?) says Tara has a lesbi-crush on Maggie. Again, no you may not have a photo due to my weak stomach, but I did find you another picture of what Shutterstock is calling a “zombie kitten,” so you’re welcome.
Saturdays on Starz at 9:00 p.m.
In my mini-cap of last week’s Survivor’s Remorse, I called M-Chuck, the black lesbian character, “aggressively gay.” Several commenters pointed out that using the word “aggressive” was crappy because it plays into a damaging racial stereotype. I apologized in the comments, but I want to reiterate here that I’m committed to getting stuff right, and I got that wrong, and I really am sorry. I will be more vigilant about my language going forward.
This week, Cam’s family convinces him to visit a kid in a coma for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Cam is reluctant to go because he doesn’t want to seem opportunistic, but M-Chuck convinces him that there’s nothing wrong with benefitting from doing something legitimately good for people. If he can help a grieving family and land a contract with Nike at the same time, there’s no shame in that. She goes with Cam to the hospital, mostly to make a play for nurses, and after she hits up her brother for some money to take one of the hot ladies out for coffee, he puts her on the payroll as his PR person so she can earn the cash to keep up with her Shane McCutcheon lifestyle.
Cam needs M-Chuck’s PR help right away, actually, because the kid he visits in the hospital wakes up from his coma and starts demanding things. Like strippers, for example. He pretends to be into learning to play ball but uses it as an excuse to get Cam alone and ask for strippers. M-Chuck works it out by letting him peep on her in the shower — and then the kid dies at the dinner table. Hashtag dramedy?
Top Chef: Boston
Wednesdays on Bravo at 10:00 p.m.
Lesbian contestant Melissa King gets a lot more screen time in this season’s second episode, due in large part to being on a team with some screw-ups. During the Quickfire Challenge, she makes fritto misto with pollock, mushrooms and razor clams. Padma calls it “a tempura platter,” which frankly sounds fucking delicious. Padma is a firecracker this season. I wish James would show her his full-blown upper arm tattoo of Patrick Swayze. I’d like to get her read on that.
During the Elimination Challenge, Melissa teams up with Joy and Ron, and they get along better than any reality team in the history of the world — unfortunately all their amiability makes for some dumb decisions. Serving their veal dish almost completely raw, for example. Sadly, Joy gets the axe (cleaver?) because of it
I say “sadly” because there is a wanker to beat the band this season. His name is Aaron and his deal is molecular gastronomy and he is a giant, giant dick. This week, it took him two hours to make some jelly that the judges hated so much. I was rooting for him to go home in tears. Alas. But hey, sweet Melissa lives to see another day!
Thursdays on NBC at 9:00 p.m.
A couple of folks tweeted me to say there were lesbians on Kate Walsh’s Bad Judge this week. I asked around and here is what I found out from Brittani:
A random lesbian hit on Kate Walsh because she had an SUV. It was like ten seconds of the show. Also that show is terrible — but they seem really proud for coming up with the name Tedward, which I get.
Now you know.
Jane the Virgin
Mondays on The CW at 9:00 p.m.
Jane the Virgin is my favorite new thing happening on TV this season. In last week’s TV round-up, turkish said the show feels an awful lot like Ugly Betty, which also played brilliantly on telenova themes and somehow managed to turn a weird, uncomfortable concept into a feminist home run, and I completely agree.
This week, Dr. Luisa, the OBGYN who accidentally impregnated Jane, finds herself alone in her office with a bottle of vodka. Not a good idea for anyone, really, but especially not a recovering alcoholic. Into this danger zone wanders Luisa’s ex-lover, Rose, who offers her some comforting words, a shoulder to cry on, and also sexual intercourse. Yes, they do it. No, they do not do it on-screen. A very weird choice, actually. We just hear the sounds and see a title card with an “XXX” on it.
But that is not as weird as this: Luisa attends a party at the end of the episode at her brother’s hotel. He is pissed at her because he put his name on the line to help her open her practice and if she gets hit with a lawsuit (and she’s definitely going to get hit with a lawsuit), his hotel could be used as collateral in the settlement. He tries to kick her out of the party, but their dad tells him to stop being a jerk. Family is family. And guess who else is family? Oh, it’s Rose. Ex-love Rose of the “XXX” title card. She is married to Luisa’s dad. Rose is Luisa’s stepmom.
Turns out telenovelas are my jam, man.
Team TV Coverage You May Have Missed
Pretty Little Liars Halloween Special recap
It’s nice to reflect on all the lesbian love Emily has managed to squeeze in between murders.
Faking It 205 recap
Birthdays! Scavenger hunts! Ball pits!
Top 10 black sitcoms from the ’90s
No, seriously, remember when there were more than two?
20 stupidly easy things the Pretty Little Liars could do to stay alive
How hard is it to turn on a damn light?
Transparent 105 recap
Now with a handy illustrated feelings chart to help you process!
If you see any lesbian/bi/trans/queer women on your teevee and you’d like to see them mentioned in Boob(s On Your) Tube, hit me up on Twitter during the week!