‘Poker Face’ Season 2 Knows the Only Thing Better Than Cynthia Erivo Is Five Cynthia Erivos

Poker Face is back for a second season of Natasha Lyonne’s Charlie calling bullshit on the lies around her as she falls into and out of quaint local murder stories and meets quirky characters played by brilliant character actors at every turn. Season one began with Charlie on the run from one mob boss and ended with her on the run from another. Season two picks up with her still attempting to evade hitmen sent by Beatrix Hasp (Rhea Perlman), who are hot on her heels, so she’s once again never in one place for long. But before we even get to checking in on ol’ Charlie in the season premiere, we of course follow the show’s formula and begin with a murder and a slate of fresh of characters. In the case of the premiere, most of those new characters are played by Cynthia Erivo. Yes, the one and only Erivo plays not one but five characters in the Poker Face season two premiere, and she nails every frame.

Erivo plays a set of quadruplets (who discover they’re quintuplets, but I promise that isn’t a major spoiler) who grew up under the oppressive thumb of their mother Norma (legend Jasmine Guy) as child actors on a camp crime series called Kid Cop that looks like it was cooked up in the 30 Rock laboratory. The sisters are all distinct from one another but most share some level of insufferability: one’s a pretentious DJ, one’s a professor with a faux French accent, one’s an off-the-grid mixed media artist, and one’s a try-hard and bloodthirsty — in service of being money-hungry — ham, earning her the not-so-affectionate pet name Hamber. The fifth is Delia, perhaps the most normal of the sisters and Charlie’s entry point into their family’s web of murder and deception. Charlie meets Delia working at an apple orchard (this is after Charlie has fled part-time work as a parking lot attendant and a mummy at a haunted hayride due to Hasp’s goons showing up), and the two instantly bond when Delia lies to protect her.

I won’t spoil the specifics of the premiere’s murder or how Charlie eventually solves it, but the fuel keeping the pacing and story burning at every twist and turn is absolutely Erivo, who doesn’t just pull off playing five characters but makes it seem somehow effortless and like magic all at once. At some points, she plays a sister pretending to be another sister, achieving Tatiana Maslany levels of layered, detailed performances. It’s a fun gimmick of course, but it works on a deeper level, too, because Erivo’s emotionality, especially when it comes to the role of Delia, is so grounded and lived-in. She brings these characters to life quickly and memorably. That’s the fun of Poker Face — often the best characters are the ones we only meet once.

All the strengths of the mystery-comedy’s first season are on display in these first three episodes of season two, all of which dropped on Peacock today. As with all Rian Johnson, you can expect style and verve, retro aesthetics woven into the modern setting. Natasha Lyonne remains compelling as Charlie, but it’s always the characters who surround her that really determine the success of individual episodes, and these three deliver, Giancarlo Esposito playing a strange and myopic funeral director obsessed with death in episode two, Katie Holmes making a rare and affecting television appearance as his forlorn wife, and John Mulaney playing a milk-guzzling FBI agent in episode three, which also brings back Rhea Perlman for a delightful performance and shifts the narrative for the rest of the season in a major way.

Episode two is a testament to Lyonne’s strengths beyond Charlie; she co-wrote and directed the episode, which contains a lot of her signatures, including niche film references, killer needledrops, and a reverence but also self-aware humor for the movie-making business. It’s also the most emotional episode of this batch, Holmes in particular bringing depth to her tragic character. Still, it’s the season premiere that really stands out, in large part due to Erivo.

While more explicitly queer storytelling is to come, I promise, it’s not difficult to read queerness into these first few episodes, and honestly, I almost think of the universe of Poker Face as being somewhat queernormative but in an interesting way rather than a way that downplays or ignores queerness altogether. It’s easy to read Delia as queer, what with her flannel and beanie and mommy issues and immediate intimacy with Charlie — who is not queer herself as far as we know, but who much like her portrayer Lyonne could easily be mistaken as such and seems to attract the gays. And to be honest, I could conceive of any of the sisters being queer; perhaps Erivo just brings that energy to most of her roles. Sherry Cola, also bisexual, plays Paige, a tiny role in episode two who works in set dec for the in-episode film shooting at the funeral director’s home. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know a single straight person who works in set dec. I’m claiming Paige as one of ours.

The rest of the season promises a string of more queer actors, as well as one super gay episode, but I do love the casual nature of Poker Face‘s queerness, how so many of these tertiary and quaternary characters can easily be read as gay. There’s a real-world quality to it, and Poker Face is always at its best when working reality into its surreal, silly, stylized world.

The first three episodes of Poker Face season two are now streaming on Peacock, and subsequent episodes will release weekly.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1020 articles for us.

Kristie Mewis and Sam Kerr Had Their Baby, Are Officially Soccer Moms!

In November, Chelsea striker and Australian national team captain Sam Kerr and USWNT midfielder Kristie Mewis announced they were expecting a baby in 2025, and great news, now that baby is here! The two posted an adorable selfie on Instagram announcing their baby boy Jagger Mewis-Kerr, the caption reading: “Our little man is here.”

Kerr and Mewis are among some of the many pro soccer players who have been in an open queer relationship for a while. They made their relationship public during the 2021 Tokyo Olympics and got engaged in 2023. There haven’t really been any updates about a wedding since, but who cares! Let people do their own thing!

Kerr has been sidelined by a ruptured ACL injury that has kept her off the pitch for 15 months. She was included on Chelsea’s Champions League roster, but she never made it into a game before Chelsea was bested by Barcelona in the semi-finals last weekend. Hopefully, she’ll be back in the game soon!

But for now, she’s busy in new parent bliss alongside Mewis, who gave birth to their son. As we reported at the time of their pregnancy announcement, parental protections pertaining to leave and job security for pregnant players as well as new parents within soccer governing bodies have a lot of room for improvement, though some strides have been made in recent years.

The Football Association and Professional Footballers’ Association introduced a new parental policy in 2022 that guarantees players 100% of their weekly wage for the first 14 weeks of leave, regardless of how long they’ve been at their respective club. Chelsea has been at the forefront of better rules and support for pregnant players, including even hiring a pelvic floor specialist to work with returning players. Mewis currently plays for West Ham United, and her contract is good until June 2025. Currently, there are no regulations in place that require clubs to extend contracts upon pregnancy announcements. In June 2024, a new FIFA rule mandated that if a player’s contract is terminated directly due to pregnancy, the club can face the penalty of fines and a year-long ban from the transfer market. But when Mewis’ contract expires next month, the club is not obligated by any existing rules to renew it, so her window of protection under those new FIFA rules has closed.

Kerr’s current contract with Chelsea is good until summer 2026, and as the non-gestational parent, she’s guaranteed eight weeks of paid absence to be taken within six months of the baby’s birth. But it’s unclear to me how her current injury leave might impact that right to parental leave.

Maybe not everyone finds this deep dive on parental rules and regulations within the world of women’s soccer, but I certainly do!!!! So many sports leagues and governing bodies are still struggling to create genuine gender parity and support pregnant players, who shouldn’t have to choose between their careers and starting families. So many of these protections were put into place so recently, and hopefully FIFA and other regulatory governing bodies continue to implement more progressive policies that actually support and protect players.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1020 articles for us.

Queer Love Knows No Borders but Tell That to the U.S. Government

I got off a seven hour FaceTime call in May of 2021 with a plan. We’d been doing these weekly calls for two months now, and there was no denying it: We had a classic case of long-distance lesbian longing. Now it was time to meet in-person, time to discover if these feelings would be as strong outside a screen. I googled flights from Los Angeles to Toronto ready to spend what I needed. But there were no flights available. The border was closed.

As an entitled American citizen, I hadn’t even considered it. Sure, we were still in a pandemic, but I was about to get the second dose of my vaccine. What do you mean I wasn’t allowed to cross a border?

From the first year of Biden’s presidency to the first year of Trump’s second. From the disaster of a pandemic to the disaster of a demagogue. Here we are again in unprecedented times — spoiler alert: there’s always precedence — and the good news is, eventually, I’d make it to Toronto and my long-distance longing would turn into a long-distance relationship.

But four years of going back and forth between the U.S. and Canada — now Brooklyn and Toronto — has started to feel more fraught. Trump’s obsession with trans people is surpassed by his obsession with the border. Is it just a matter of time before the border returns to pandemic restrictions? Or where I’m not allowed to leave or re-enter due to the hard-earned F on my passport?

As a white trans person with American citizenship, I’ve questioned whether these worries are founded. After all, the cruelty of the U.S. border and its enforcement was not invented by Trump. He’s putting kids in cages was a liberal rallying cry during Trump’s first term that fizzled when the he became Biden. Obama deported more than three million people — and was cruelly dismissive of critique — so is this really an issue of changed policy or just changed rhetoric? Or is it both? Have things always been bad but now they’re getting worse?

“After the debate last year, I was like I should get a gun, and then I was like, no, maybe I should leave the country,” one trans American citizen, who has asked to remain anonymous, tells me. “So I started exploring it and after Trump was shot at, I was like oh I need to get out of here this is going to get bad.” She began making plans to move to Europe. But by the time she left in January, she was three months into a new relationship. “I last saw him in March and I’m going to see him again in a couple weeks. But he’s coming to me. I’m not going back to the United States.”

“I have an F on my passport — I got it renewed last year — and I’m terrified that if I were to try to re-enter the United States they could just be like this passport is invalid. You’re just an undocumented person showing up at our border.”

She wasn’t the only person I spoke with who is no longer living in the States. Shireen, who is not an American citizen and had previously lived in Boston on a work visa, returned to Europe after failing to win the visa lottery only to win it this year and turn it down.

“My partner is currently over there, but if I try to envision a future for us in the U.S. in the shorter term it feels a little scary,” Shireen says. “My international student friends or young professionals in the U.S. have stopped traveling domestically at all because they are just afraid of what they’re going to run into at the airports. I have some friends who have posted things on social media about Palestine and now they’re in mortal fear of being stopped by ICE.”

She and her partner had previously done long distance between Boston and Atlanta, but that amount of domestic travel now feels untenable. And securing work in the same city as her partner has become even more challenging due to funding cuts from the Trump administration within her industry of aerospace engineering. “As a queer couple, it just doesn’t feel like a very stable environment to be in,” she says.

However, Shireen still plans to visit her partner in the U.S. She suspects far less scrutiny as someone entering the country on a tourist visa with a set two-week trip. And, in the long term, they’re trying to figure out a way for her partner to join her in Europe. “In both ways it’s difficult,” she says. “Because without European citizenship it’s hard for her, and the other way around it’s hard for me.”

Meanwhile, some people don’t want to leave. “I’m filing for my citizenship now,” an anonymous Canadian citizen tells me. “I don’t want to leave and never be able to come back because I built my community and life out here.”

They’ve been going back and forth with their partner, who is also Canadian. But now they’re staying put. “Because my partner is a white dude, we feel like he has a lot more freedom of movement,” they say. “He’ll probably be gone for a month or two and then come back here.”

“We’ve had to have these really difficult conversations about our absolute red lines,” they continue. “Like if this happens, fuck all my stuff, we’re packing a bag and going to Toronto.” As a non-white, visibly queer person with a green card but no citizenship, reports of people being sent to detention facilities in El Salvador have felt close. But for the time being, they’re doubling down, committing to their citizenship application, and relying on their partner’s privilege.

This was something I heard a lot — people in relationships making risk assessments based on the race, citizenship status, and gender identities involved. “My partner presents as a white cis woman and she’s Canadian so I don’t necessarily think she is who is being targeted at the border,” a trans American citizen named Jaclyn tells me. “But I think the idea of me traveling there has felt a little more charged.”

Jaclyn says they’ve been talking less about the dangers of a visit and more about a scenario where leaving the U.S. becomes a necessity. “I am really scared,” she says. “I know that’s the intention, but I don’t think it’s an empty intention. I think sometimes it can be dismissed as, oh they want you to be scared, and that implies nothing is actually going to happen. But, no, they want you to be scared, because they’re doing something scary.”

Jaclyn notes that the current administration’s desires to criminalize transness and to deport criminals are connected. This becomes especially harrowing when we consider how queer people, especially trans people, have long been treated by the U.S. in immigration prisons.

Jaclyn also has a partner in Los Angeles where she lives and they’ve made it clear that were they to leave they’d leave together — something she says would be expected by her partner in Canada. “I think a lot of a relationship, especially now, is taking turns in who’s the one who’s afraid and who’s the one who’s strong,” she says. “And in some ways being poly is great because there are more people to be strong and in some ways it’s hard because there are more people to be afraid.”

Most of the people I spoke to had purposefully avoided crossing the U.S. border since Trump took office. But Jack returned from their most recent visit to their girlfriend in Dublin under the new administration. “Normally, they’d just ask me what I was doing in Ireland and if I have anything to declare, and then my American passport whisks me through,” they say. But this time the agent grilled them about their outfit — a pink trucker hat and blue and white Letterman jacket with magenta skulls and butterflies, which Jack admitted probably made them seem like an AI generated trans person. “I eventually told him I bought everything at a Bushwick craft fair — never thought I’d admit that to a federal agent — and he let me go on my way.”

It’s difficult to know when heightened scrutiny is a result of the Trump administration and when it’s due to an overzealous agent. As someone who has crossed the U.S./Canada border a lot over the last four years, I’ve experienced a wide range of responses to my transness, from Cringe Ally to Power-Hungry Hardass. It’s inevitable to latch onto anecdotes — whether that’s our own experiences or individuals whose detention or deportation makes the news — but how many other horrors are hidden within statistics?

“I think the reason people from Canada and Europe and Australia are reporting these terrible incidents — which are not okay, detaining people over night is insane — but I feel like it’s getting a lot more traction because it’s never really happened to people from those places before,” Anna, whose partner lives in Mexico says. “At least not in the public eye.”

While she acknowledges she knows two people who just came in from Mexico without a problem, Anna is still scared because the stakes are so high. “We’re very in love and been planning on marriage,” she says. “We’ve been together for about three years and we were planning on marrying sometime in the next two years. But because of all this, we’re expediting it.”

She’s planning on visiting her partner in Mexico and then her partner is coming to the U.S. in July. This border crossing is the source of most of her anxieties. “We’re going to ask my lawyer if getting married in Mexico first is a good idea, because we really don’t know what would look better,” she says. “It’s this game of figuring out what would look shady and what wouldn’t even though everything is legitimate anyway!”

There’s an added unpredictability to this current moment, but Anna’s fears remind her of another time a year into her and her partner’s relationship. Anna’s sister was getting married and Anna was living in Mexico at the time with her partner. She really wanted them to be able to travel with her to the States. “I heard how much of a horrorshow it was to get a visa for the U.S. from Mexico,” she says. “They make it so hard.”

“You just don’t know. There are so many ifs and buts of oh you’re missing this one thing or if they suspect you don’t have enough ties to the country, they just won’t give it to you. And sometimes it’s very arbitrary. They’re just like, no. I felt very lucky that they were able to get one. It just sucks because after all of that stress we went through two years ago, it’s the same thing again now.”

Whether leaving the U.S. or trying to get back, terrified or resigned, everyone I spoke to says they feel less at ease to travel. It’s fun to make jokes about lesbians U-Hauling and queer people falling in love through phone screens, but the truth is we often find friendship, community, and romance from afar out of necessity. Even in the most progressive city, we’re still a minority, and it’s even more necessary for people in small towns. Queer people have always found each other and we always will. But tighter borders and increased horror from ICE make this more difficult.

“A philosophy I’ve tried to adopt is I’m just trying to find as much joy as I can every day,” the U.S. citizen who moved to Europe tells me. “I’m going to hold onto what I can because who knows what could happen next month, next year. It’s all ephemeral. That’s the story of queer life and queer joy. Trying to find as much as you can, but you can’t bank on the future in any meaningful or tangible way.”

With that in mind, I’m grateful to be with my partner right now in Toronto. I’m grateful, because we’re together and because I fear a time in the near future when we’re kept apart by a closed border. But I’m not ready to give up on the U.S. as some friends and family have suggested I should.

Jack echoes my feelings, saying, “If and when tyranny comes knocking at home, the vast majority of my friends and neighbors do not have the resources (or a beautiful Irish girlfriend) to secure their escape. So I’m kind of caught between the twin impulses of get me the hell out of here and actually, fuck you.”

“I’ll always be invested in fighting for a less fucked up America. What that looks like or from where is anyone’s guess at this point.”

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 707 articles for us.

1 Comment

  1. Thanks for writing this. I couldn’t help but worry about this very thing, how cross-border partners are managing in these truly whacky times. It eases my mind to hear stories showcasing our queer indomitable spirit ! Although, ahem, you could consider moving here, in spite of our non-existent Spring, but I digress.

Comments are closed.

How To Make Sending Nudes Your Love Language

I adore sending nudes. I adore love languages too, but like Riese, I think they’re best when broken up into personalized nuggets. For those of us subscribed to it, I’m sure we all get that the concept is helpful but a little broad. There’s room for personalization.

A critical part of my personalized love language is sending nudes. It means more to me than most. Yes, there’s sharing an intimate part of myself for someone’s enjoyment — a modern take on WWII-era lovers mailing over a photograph. There’s knowing that I’m keeping it interesting and fiery with people who are into me. There’s the self-esteem boost. All of it, sure. I’m also an online sex worker. This extra dimension changes up a lot. When I send nudes to someone for free, you bet your ass they’re high quality. Downright marketable quality. More literally than most, my sending nudes is giving my labor and skills freely to cool people.

My dual-citizenship as a rampant slut who loves sending nudes and a sex worker deeply concerned with safety makes me oddly well-positioned to talk about it. Here are some crucial hows and ifs of sending nudes as one of your love languages.

Assert your reasons and boundaries

Before you start airdropping nudes beyond a trusted circle, have a sit and think about why you want to send more nudes. The prerequisite spirit of every love language is that you enjoy doing it and it’s intended to benefit someone else. Love languages should be selfless or reciprocal expressions.

Sending nudes can become a vehicle for love and affection, but we’re not running a pornographic NGO. Affirmation and flattery are sensible reasons, but there’s a line between a gentle ego boost and leaning on this as your new source of Self Esteem™. If you want to make it a love language, your hot amateur content should be sent with love, not expectation.

Boundary setting is critical. Clear sexual boundaries are clear to everyone in the engagement. Their value is doubled if the nature of an act (sending nudes) is sexual, but the intention is platonic or uncertain. I’ve written about making a protocol for exactly this. Having a very sober think-over about where the goods end up and how you’d like people to treat it establishes two important things. Firstly, it helps you determine if this is what you really want when urgent horniness isn’t tugging at your sensibilities. Secondly, it’s practice for setting boundaries. Not everyone is good at it, but you’ll need to improve to start doing this.

Mitigate the risks

Nothing on the internet gets deleted. However, a private connection between devices is much better isolated than posting yourself on Bluesky. The other ‘however’ is that once files reach someone else’s device, the only things protecting your data are a social contract and respect for the law. Data breaches happen. Devices get stolen. People violate trust. If you’re lucky, your jurisdiction has applicable revenge porn or privacy laws, but I doubt anyone reading this trusts the justice system to handle this with the grace it deserves. Just assume the law isn’t on your side.

Data security

Data security is the ‘easy’ part. The core rules of data security are:

  • All security is a conflict between safety and convenience.
  • All security requires compromises. Making an informed decision to compromise and seeing it fail later is not a personal failure.
  • Data spread across more devices is easier to recover… and breach.
  • Ensure that there are always two independent security measures between adversaries and sensitive data.
  • Your passwords will be leaked during mass attacks. Two-factor authentication (2FA) will save you from worse damage.
  • If you’re not ready to lose control of some sensitive data, you’re not ready to possess it.

With those pointers in mind, here are some ways you can implement better data security — or your nudes and other stuff.

  1. Have two-factor authentication on anything that can be used against you. That means anything containing nudes or a way to wreck your credit rating. Same vibe.
  2. One up-to-date cloud backup is adequate. It’s the best mix of protection and convenience.
  3. Always put two barriers between you and your nudes. A drawn unlock pattern + a pin-locked photo app. Fingerprint login + a 2FA-secured cloud storage app. Facial recognition + a password manager.
  4. Keep your password recovery measures up to date.
  5. NO leaving your naughties lying around on USBs or portable hard drives.

Like I said, data security is the easy part. The part that requires entrusting yourself to another person? That’s harder. That doesn’t fit into bulleted lists.

Social safety

In my experience, the social contract is all about making an informed decision to send and being gentle on yourself when it’s done. Before sending this precious, private content, make an informed decision about the recipient. Do they have responsibility and integrity? Can you entrust them with the little things before this bigger thing? Practice making this decision and learn to trust yourself.

Then hit Send.

Once it leaves the nest, feel free to grieve a little. Grieve for the inherent shortcomings of data security and people. Especially the latter. Accept that the more nudes you send, the greater the chance that some will get misplaced or misused. Realize that this is true for any act of love. Anytime we give a part of ourselves away in confidence, someone can fail or abuse our trust. It’s better to grieve ahead of time than panic in the middle of an incident.

Once you’ve sat with those feelings, forgive yourself preemptively for the off-chance it does go wrong. You created something precious and gave it to someone with loving intentions. You’ve done nothing wrong. It won’t be your fault if a mass data breach downloads and copies your files into an undisclosed server. It won’t be your fault if the recipient violates the boundaries you set. It won’t be your fault if a phone gets stolen or that saucy text goes to the wrong group chat. Personalized acts of love should always travel both ways, and you deserve to feel good about what you’re doing.

Your expressions of love demand no justification. The failures of others are not your responsibility.

Know when to stop

Again, something that applies to any show of affection for others. You are putting in the effort, and it’s your right to stop when things feel ‘off’. A sudden disconnect between your self-esteem and sexting? Did someone hurt you? It’s starting to feel like a chore? Give yourself the time and space to see the next step.

I stopped sex work the first time because my eating disorder was torpedoing my self-esteem. I needed over five years before I was ready to use the selfie camera. If this isn’t for you, stopping is always the right call. The day you chose to stop was the perfect day for it. The timespan you needed to feel ready again was exactly right. The last set of photos you took was exactly what you needed at that moment.

Send nudes (love)

I’ve specifically omitted information about taking nude photos because the wider internet is replete with that knowledge. The mindset behind this special act is more important to me. ‘Cause I’m a nerd.

I think I’ve explained what I think about when I show my body to people. It’s not just a photo. It never was. It’s a rich expression of trust. It’s allowing others to access me in a way that is personalized and titillating. I’m sharing the fruits of labor that I normally charge for. It’s not a conventional love language like baking or listening, but we’re all gays here. We of all people know that love shouldn’t be boxed into polite categories. There’s just no fun in that.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Summer Tao

Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self

Summer has written 76 articles for us.

Out the Movies: I Tried To Watch Every Lesbian Movie Ever

Out the Movies is a bi-weekly newsletter about queer film for AF+ subscribers written by Drew Burnett Gregory. This week’s topic: the recently launched Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema.

I used to think I could watch every lesbian movie ever made. Now I know that isn’t possible.

Since making my way through every Best Picture winner and various director filmographies as a child, my cinephilia has been paired with a Capricon completionism. It was about the films first and foremost, but the lists, the projects, the gargantuan goals allowed me to make sense of the big world of cinema I wanted to understand. I still find this useful. Whether watching every film with one actor or going through the films referenced in a book, viewing projects are a tool for exploration, an excuse to push myself beyond mere whims.

Watching every lesbian movie started as a project of identity before it became my job. When I transitioned at age 23, I felt behind in almost every area of lesbian culture. Every area except cinema. While I hadn’t seen popular-in-community fare like D.E.B.S. or Imagine Me and You, my love of arthouse cinema had led me to films like Water Lilies, Carol, The Watermelon Woman, Summertime, All About My Mother, Blue is the Warmest Color, The Bitter Tears of Petra Von Kant, and, of course, Mulholland Drive. Expanding upon this head start, I found comfort and self-knowledge through further exploration.

By the time I’d been out for two years and was staffed at Autostraddle, I’d seen more movies about cis lesbians than any of the cis lesbians I was meeting. In retrospect, maybe that’s why the first night I met Riese in-person, I asked if I could re-do Autostraddle’s 100 Best Lesbian Movies. At the time, I said it was just because I couldn’t rest with The Watermelon Woman at number 30 and Freeheld in the top 10. (To be fair, an understandable excuse.)

Six months later I had a project budget, and I spent six more months enhancing my expertise. There wouldn’t be a film on this new list that I hadn’t seen. And there would be no filler — every film on the list would be good if not great.

I watched everything I still hadn’t seen on the streamers. I spent hours in the LGBTQ+ sections of LA’s surviving video stores looking for lost gems. I scrolled through the girls-kissing and lesbian tags on IMDb. All the while, 2019 and 2020 brought more new queer releases than ever.

That revamped list has gone through multiple renditions since the initial publication of my work in 2020. Most recently, we launched The Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema, a separate, sortable website that is an expansion of an earlier attempt at this kind of resource. Now instead of updating annually, I can update as I watch. According to my personal lesbian+ list on Letterboxd, I’ve seen 690 lesbian films. The encyclopedia currently has 388. I still have entries to add, although I’m not sure some of the movies on my personal list deserve a spot in the encyclopedia — even if Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story did introduce me to the concept of bisexuality.

While I may leave off 2000s comedies where two women briefly kiss, the truth is this 6+ year project has expanded my definition of a lesbian movie. Every day brings online discourse about who can or cannot identify as a lesbian, but the historical truth is it’s an expansive category that is fluid based on time period, location, and the individual. Our cinema is this way too.

For every obscure yet undeniable lesbian film like Ann Hui’s All About Love or Patrícia Vidal Delgado’s La Leyenda Negra, there are worthy films that flirt around this definition. From obvious works of subtext adapted from gay novels like The Color Purple and Fried Green Tomatoes to films that reveal a main character’s queerness as a sort of twist like The Rich Man’s Wife and X, Y, and Zee to films too complex in their approach to gender and sexuality to classify like Yentl or Gigli. (Yes, Gigli.) All of these films deserve their place in the encyclopedia.

There are lesbian movies on Tubi I’ve yet to watch, films where two women almost kiss on the poster and are certain to (poorly) act out the usual tropes. There’s a place for these films — you’ll find plenty of them in the encyclopedia too — but they’re rarely the films I find most exciting, as a cinephile or as a queer person.

The more we get films like Love Lies Bleeding, The Wedding Banquet, and Nimona in the mainstream, the less concerned we have to be with lesbian cinema as representation. There are still many lesbian and queer women experiences left to show, but there are also more ways to express lesbianism and queerness on-screen as well. Not every lesbian movie is a love story — instead it might be a documentary about technology and the co-opting of Black identity told through a queer lens.

My project of watching every lesbian movie ever began as a way of belonging within my new identity, but now I have as expansive a view of myself as our cinema. There’s nothing to prove because each of our experiences of lesbianism and queerness is unique to us. Now I just want to watch as many lesbian movies as I can so I can share this art with all of you. No matter what kind of lesbian movie you’re seeking, you can find it in The Autostraddle Encyclopedia of Lesbian Cinema. And, if you can’t, I’ll do my part to help you find it soon.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Drew Burnett Gregory

Drew is a Brooklyn-based writer, filmmaker, and theatremaker. She is a Senior Editor at Autostraddle with a focus in film and television, sex and dating, and politics. Her writing can also be found at Bright Wall/Dark Room, Cosmopolitan UK, Refinery29, Into, them, and Knock LA. She was a 2022 Outfest Screenwriting Lab Notable Writer and a 2023 Lambda Literary Screenwriting Fellow. She is currently working on a million film and TV projects mostly about queer trans women. Find her on Twitter and Instagram.

Drew Burnett has written 707 articles for us.

Catherine McCafferty Thinks You Should Start Flirting and Stop Apologizing

As a longtime fan of improv comedy, being gay, and hot redheads, it was a matter of time before I became a huge fan of Catherine McCafferty. When I need a relaxing night in, I like to kick back with a hard cider and put on either a show from Dropout or a Smosh YouTube video. I’m quite smitten in particular with Vic Michaelis and Angela Giarratana, both of whom are featured on McCafferty’s show Pretty Gay, a talk show in the vein of Amelia Dimoldenberg’s Chicken Shop Date, in that it features hot people flirting with each other.

Voyeuristic? Perhaps.

Below, find my conversation (edited and condensed for clarity and length) with Catherine about how Pretty Gay came to be, what it’s like to flirt with comedians, and how to stop apologizing so much.

Catherine McCafferty

Gabrielle Grace Hogan: Tell me more about your background. Where are you from, how did you get started in comedy?

Catherine McCafferty: I have always been interested in performing ever since I was very young. I would be in the school plays. My mom had a video camera, and I always wanted it to be on me. I really focused on school and being a perfect student, which was not a requirement for my family. I just decided that that was going to be my personality. I actually ended up dropping out of high school to go to college a year early. But I ended up at a school that was primarily male and sports-dominated. And it reflected back to me how important the arts were, because I felt like I was just drowning in a world that I didn’t understand. And so then, when I transferred schools, I didn’t study theater. All the theater students thought that I was a theater major, but I was a biology major — but I always knew I wanted to pursue the arts.

I just wasn’t sure what the avenue was going to be, and then I got cast right out of college in a show for Hell In A Handbag Productions, a drag theater company in Chicago. They were doing a production of The Birds, and I got cast to be Tippi Hedren, aka Melanie Daniels. So I was on stage the whole time, and I was so in love with the entire process of theater and performing and being on stage. Once I got a taste of that in the professional world, I was like, “Okay, well, it’s gonna be this forever.”

I also loved writing. So one of my friends was like, “you should try standup.” And then I went to an open mic, and I was like, “oh, okay, well, I’m mentally ill because I love this.” I’ve always been somebody who goes in 100%. And so for the past 10 years, it’s been me just throwing a lot of stuff at the wall and running at 120 miles per hour. So it’s been a roller coaster, and I feel like, you know, we’re all waiting for a break or whatever, and it doesn’t necessarily ever look like you think it’s going to when you’re a little kid. And it’s been so magical to see people respond to Pretty Gay and have that be the thing.

That sounds so exciting. A drag production of The Birds is the craziest thing to be the first break into the business. I bet that feels a bit like being spoiled. Like, “Oh, of course it’s always going to feel this cool and queer and exciting.”

Yeah, yeah! And then it wasn’t for a really long time. I moved out here to Los Angeles, I lived in a hostel, I had 100 different jobs. I had an air mattress that my roommate stepped on and broke, and so then it kept deflating during the night. There’s so many bumps along the way where you’re just like, what am I doing.

And then I was trying to model, and it’s a wonder how I’m still alive. The journey definitely wasn’t linear, but I don’t think it ever is.

In another interview you did for On the Mic, you talked about Mike Birbiglia and Tig Notaro being huge influences on your standup. You talked about how you really admired that they made their shows storytelling events — how they start with a central story, and then go off on tangents, but always come back to tie it together at the end. You mentioned that being your goal for your standup as well — could you talk more about that? Obviously Pretty Gay is not standup, but that is your other passion. Can you talk about why standup, and this particular type of standup, is so appealing for you as a performer?

Well, I love standup, and it does actually really relate to Pretty Gay, because it’s about taking back performing for the performer, you know? I feel like there’s so many gatekeepers in trying to be a performer. You feel like you’re asking permission all the time, like, “oh, I want to audition. Can I please do this?” I really felt like standup gave me more autonomy in my art. You just can go, you can do an open mic, you can start a show, which is what I did when I moved out here. You can just start a standup show, and then you can meet other people who are grinding in a similar way that you are, which I don’t think you do in acting as much. There’s less of a community in acting, unless you’re in a class or something like that.

The same with Pretty Gay, we were looking at, like, “Okay, well, Catherine is a performer, and she’s trying to get recognition for all these different things that she does. How can we do that?” And my friends Sam Reich and Elaine Carroll are big Internet people, and they believe the Internet puts the power back into the creator’s hands. So they really wanted to help me do that.

And then the Mike Birbiglia of it all is that I grew up listening to NPR. So Mike and Tig Notaro were on NPR a lot. And I was like, “wow, the way that these people do comedy and tell stories is just so fascinating.”

I’m glad that you mentioned Sam and Elaine, because I found Pretty Gay through being a huge Dropout fan, and being a huge Smosh fan. I think the way I found you specifically was your episode with Vic Michaelis, because I’m obsessed with Vic (because every gay person on the internet is obsessed with Vic). And I was like, “Oh, what’s this? What’s going on?” And I fell hard for all of it. I know you’re friends with Sam and Elaine, and they’re also the producers of your show. Knowing that, how did Pretty Gay happen? How did that project develop initially?

So I had moved back to Los Angeles on a trial run, to see if I wanted to fully move back from NYC, and I had known Sam and Elaine for five years by that point. They’re two of my dearest friends. And Sam is a big fan of the internet. He’s really interested in how it gives the power back to the creatives. And he helped Elaine build her social presence through doing sketches and characters. And he was like, “we want to help you build your social presence in a similar way.” So we had quite a few brainstorms to be like, “okay, so what does Catherine do?”

I don’t do a lot of characters. I don’t come from the sketch comedy world. I can certainly write a sketch, and I find them to be very fun. It’s just not what I’ve been working towards for years and years and years. So it was tough for me, because I was like, “Well, I felt like I knew how to be like, pretty on the internet, and I knew how to be funny in person.” And I was single, and it had been the first time that I was dating around again, and we were just throwing out all these different ideas. And we were like, well, what if it was kind of like a dating show, like a dating podcast?

Sam, coming from the Dropout universe, was like, “you know, I really like the model of an interview-based segment show. It’s what works for Dropout, and I think it would work for you if you want to just do an experiment, we could build a set.” And I was like, “Okay, sure. Like, let’s build it. Let’s have it be like a gay bar.” There’s not a lot of lesbian bars, but I really like the aesthetic of Honey’s at Star Love — they have a lot of teal and tile, and it just felt cool when I moved back here and went dancing there.

The first season had six episodes. We had no idea what we were doing. Chloe Badner, they’re a fantastic set designer, and they built the set on the bottom floor of Sam and Elaine’s house. So we weren’t even in a studio.

Oh, wow. I didn’t even know that. 

Season one, we had something like 150 subscribers on Patreon. We had to take a long pause between season one and season two. I had no idea if Sam and Elaine wanted to partner with me again on season two. We threw out all these different ideas with in order to make it less costly. We considered just having me shoot it on a GoPro, in a car. And then they had a little meeting without me, and they were like, “You know what? We want to invest even more money towards this and scale up and see if that is gonna bring subscribers, and see if that is gonna be what catches people’s eye.” Like, let’s make it even prettier and shinier. And then we moved into a studio. Sam and Elaine were able to talk to some Dropout people to have them as guests on it, and that’s really what made it take off.

Catherine McCafferty and Anna Garcia

What did that look like on your end of seeing the show progress in popularity and see more people interested in it?

I mean, it was so exciting! Because whenever you create anything, you’re like, “Well, I guess we’ll see if people like this,” and you’re sort of just throwing darts in the dark. I was so thrilled that people responded so positively and, and I think it’s the chemistry that I have with the guests. But then also these were seasoned comedians from different universes, people who had been Internet people so they knew how to be funny in this sort of format. And I really think that helped me grow as a host. Seeing more and more people subscribe has been just like such a dream. I text my mom about it.

With Vic’s episode, we saw a huge bump. They were the first episode of season two. And then we were like, “Oh, let’s see what happens,” and we started growing 100 subscribers a week or something like that, and that felt crazy. And then with the Angela Giarratana episode from Smosh, we got a big bump from that as well.

It’s really just been quite dreamy and terrifying at the same time being like, “Oh no. When is it all just gonna go away?”

So this is your first, or if not first, most significant foray into using the Internet for your comedy. How has that transition felt for you?

I’m just very lucky that I have the executive producers that I have, because they really held my hand through, especially the first half of season two in terms of choosing clips and things like that. And just telling me to just really pummel the Internet and post every day. And that felt crazy, because I’m literally from the Midwest, and I apologize for existing. I’m bumping into chairs and apologizing, and now I’m supposed to be so incredibly seen, and ask people to give me money? Yeah, it just felt nuts. But then it’s like, well, this is a product. I am selling a product, and I just blindly followed what I was told to do. And once it started to work, and nobody was yelling at me, I was like, oh, this doesn’t matter. It’s fine, as long as you don’t tie your self worth to the Internet, you’re gonna be okay.

I admire you and teach me, because I’m also from the Midwest and I love to apologize. It’s almost like my favorite hobby at this point.

I know, it’s so fun to apologize, but it’s like a tic, and then you realize that you’re making the other person do more work to make you feel better if you’re constantly apologizing. And if the point of apologizing is because you feel like you don’t want other people to be bothered, if you somehow switch it in your brain and you’re like, “actually, I’m bothering them more,” you stop apologizing.

Use your own anxiety to combat your own anxiety, whatever works honestly. All right. Well, enough of our therapy session. You talked a little bit about how Pretty Gay got started, and it reminds me a lot of Ziwe or Chicken Shop Date, where viewers really enjoy watching people goof off and flirt with each other. And we can get into the psychology of that another time, maybe. But I was curious: Pretty Gay has a, well, pretty gay spin on that particular interview format. Other than the Grant O’Brien episode, I’m pretty sure you exclusively interview other queer women or queer non-men. Obviously part of that queer twist is because you yourself are queer, so it’s just sort of a given. But I was curious, too, if you felt that focusing so explicitly on this queer experience felt like a niche you were trying to fill?

It was really important to me that it was primarily going to be queer women and non-binary people. I really wanted to be able to see a lot of people being funny and laughing. It was really important to me to see queer people laugh on the Internet. It’s so important to keep up on all the different things that are happening in the world, the different legislations, and the ways in which the world needs to be better for us. But I also think it’s really nice to just see queer people just joke around. Do you know what I mean? Like “Yeah, I’m here. I’m making content. I’m sitting across from somebody who is, like, gorgeous, who’s also thriving.” That’s cool to see.

It was also really important in my personal journey of dating and being able to accept my queerness. I’m very femme-presenting. When I first came out, I felt I had to dim that, be less somehow, because I’m a woman who’s queer. Obviously you see gay men wearing sparkles and shouting from their rooftops, but I wasn’t seeing that as much for women. Obviously the media favors gay white men, but I wanted to be something else. I wanted to bring a seat to the table for everyone who looked like me, or looked different than me, but was definitely in this space of queer women, queer non-men. Decentering men in the show was very important.

Every single day, I wake up I say, ‘oh my goodness, I’m so happy I’m gay.’

Did you feel it was important, as a queer comedian, as a queer woman, to make sure that it was giving that voice to other queer comedians and queer women? Like you said, when the mainstream media thinks gay, they’re like, “We want like a white gay man, a white cis gay man. We don’t really want the lesbians. We don’t want the bisexuals. We don’t want the butch women.” Have you seen that in the response from people, of being really excited about a show like this?

Yeah, I think so. People have commented and they’ve been like, “we want to see a trans femme woman as a guest.” We were like, “Yeah, we’re listening.” We have Persephone this season. We’re trying to have a wide representation, specifically, on our show, because that’s all I can control. I can’t control what shows get picked up on TV, but being in the queer space and listening to my friends talk, so many of my friends are masc-presenting, and they’re not seeing themselves on TV, or the way in which they’re presented is so stereotypical. So when we look at our guests for the seasons, we’re obviously looking at our friends who are funny and talented and all of that. But we’re also looking at the people who are masc-presenting, who are trans, who might not have a show on TV, and so, like, “Come do my show!” Geez Louise, I like these people, these guests that I have. They’re so talented. The world at large doesn’t see as much representation, as many people like that. And so it matters if you have any kind of platform to use it. And it really matters to platform people who you’re not seeing in your community. Platforming others is my job, and I take my job pretty seriously.

The show is not just queer and flirtatious, it’s pretty explicit in some parts. I’m thinking of the segment “Wink for Kink” in particular. There are definitely some segments that are coy and subtle, but there’s a lot that are just straight up, “let’s talk about strap-ons.” Do you feel that the show is trying to make a statement with that?

I think it’s a little bit of that. But when we were crafting the different segments, we were just thinking of what sounds fun, and that felt fun, and it became more explicit, as we found our guests’ willingness to talk about these things. It was really exciting for me, because I came out later in life, and the minute I came out, I got into my first queer relationship. We got engaged, and then I was in that monogamous relationship for five years. So when I got into that relationship initially, I felt very much like, “Well, who do I turn to? Who do I ask? Am I doing this right?” I was so nervous, and then even more so after getting out of that relationship and then dating and discovering my sexuality even more.

When you’re brought up and you’re cultured female, you get a lot of shame around sex. You’re not supposed to talk about it, but you’re supposed to be good at it, and you’re not supposed to want it, but somehow you’re supposed to pleasure other people without thinking of your own pleasure. But that’s not how it is in the queer community. It very much is more open. So being able to talk and get other people’s experiences who might have dated more than I have, or who are bolder than me, I get to feel some of their confidence.

How was the process for creating the segments? What are the ones that you enjoy doing the most?

The segments came from a combination of improv games. A lot of them are queer-specific, to somebody who’s not dating in the straight realm. I have great writers like Kaylin Mahoney, Elaine Carroll, and Margaret Kaminsky. They all are just very funny, talented writers who come from different worlds. So Elaine’s bringing her improv experience, and then Margaret came out later in life, and she was dating and struggling with certain things. So then she’s able to provide those questions. And Kaylin comes from the standup world, and she’s writing fun little one-liners that I can throw out during those segments. So it’s definitely a group effort.

I love “Friend or Flirt.” That’s one of my favorite segments. That’s a great one. The kissing segment, “First Kiss,” I really love, and I also love “Break Up With Me,” because I think that a lot of people are really bad at breaking up. That’s always fun, because I also get to see my guests sort of squirm because I try to make it really hard for them.

Catherine McCafferty in Pretty Gay

What does the production of an episode look like? What does it look like taking one from start to finish?

Each season, we’ve scaled up more. So I’m so excited for season three, because we had more hands on deck. We do a ton of prep work. We do all the writing, and then we research all the guests, and we make lists of things that might be fun for the guest. If we’re getting the energy that this is going to be more of a talking episode, we might do less games. We shoot for an hour and a half with each guest, and that includes stopping and me checking in. I shoot with four different guests in a day.

That’s a lot of flirting to get through in one day.

I know, what a lucky lady I am!

I’m bad at flirting, too. I would be terrified to go on my show. Does that make sense? My friends have seen me flirt, and they’ve been like, “This is why you had to create a show for this. People are making concessions for your personality because you’re pretty, damn.”

That’s surprising to hear, you seem extremely confident and flirtatious, but maybe that’s the confidence of being the host, and being in charge.

I think part of it is that and also knowing what’s coming. What’s so tough about flirting is not always knowing what the game is, but as the host, I always know what the game is. But when you’re out in the real world, somebody could buy you a drink and then stand near their friends, and you’re like, “Okay, well, okay, so am I supposed to then go up to them and then what do I say?”

I think this is a cool format to have for the show too, because of the stereotype that lesbians and queer women don’t know how to flirt.

Every single day, I wake up I say, “oh my goodness, I’m so happy I’m gay,” but I was existing in the world for so long as an object of the male gaze. It was extremely uncomfortable all the time to be out and to have somebody enter your consciousness without permission and tell you to smile or whatever. All of it feels gross. And so I think then when lesbians and queer women come out, we’re sensitive to that experience — whether or not you’ve had it, you’ve heard of it, you’ve heard your friends have it. And so it’s like, I don’t want to bother this woman. She’s perfect.

I’m already in love with her so I’ll leave her alone.

Exactly. I think it’s just harder to navigate. You know, it’s not impossible, it’s just harder.

Which guests are you most excited to have on season three?

This next season, we have Cameron Esposito on and, I mean, I watched their comedy, and I was so enamored. A big part of me coming out was listening to the podcast that they used to do, and then watching their first special was very important to my healing journey. So then being able to have them come on to my show and pick me up. I mean, literally, she picks me up. She picked me up.

We had Liv Hewson on, and they’re a literal star. They’re so nice, they’re so funny, and they were so responsive even afterwards. Being reminded that I’m a part of this absolutely fantastic community of queer people, it’s been so wonderful, especially with where we are right now in the world. It’s been nice to be able to be like, “Oh, we’re still holding each other, at any level.”

Catherine McCafferty and Cameron Esposito

Who would be a dream guest to have on the show? You can name multiple people if you have more than one answer.

Oh my gosh. Of course I have more than one answer! Wow, this is tough because I do want to name people that I just want to date.

So Doechii — she commented on one of the videos I did with Jiavani, and I immediately burst into tears. I mean, this was before she won a Grammy.

I’m really trying to get Margaret Cho, because I’ve always loved her comedy, but I also think she’s been a fantastic queer person to follow — the way she talks about her sexuality has made me more comfortable in talking about the nuances in my sexuality. I really want to get Holland Taylor and Sophia Bush in there as well.

That’s all for the questions I had to ask, but do you have any parting words?

Oh no, I’m just so thrilled. I really love Autostraddle as well. So you reaching out— I can’t express my gratitude enough. I love them. This show, it’s my literal dream. And I know that I wouldn’t have it without people like you, people who reach out.. I just want to give a shout out to the fans and the people who are watching, because people don’t know how much it means. I think they’re surprised even in real life, that it can turn around my entire day.

Season three of Pretty Gay premieres May 7 on Patreon. Some notable guests will include: Cameron Esposito, Liv Hewson, Shannon Beveridge, Angela Giarratana, Persephone Valentine, and more!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Gabrielle Grace Hogan

Gabrielle Grace Hogan (she/her) received her MFA from the University of Texas at Austin. Her poetry has been published by TriQuarterly, CutBank, Salt Hill, and others, and has been supported by the James A. Michener Fellowship and the Ragdale Foundation. In the past, she has served as Poetry Editor of Bat City Review, and as Co-Founder/Co-Editor of You Flower / You Feast, an anthology of work inspired by Harry Styles. She lives in Austin, Texas. You can find her on Instagram @gabriellegracehogan, her website www.gabriellegracehogan.com, or wandering a gay bar looking lost.

Gabrielle has written 26 articles for us.

7 Comments

  1. Wow, I wasn’t familiar with this show and it sounds amazing! Definitely gonna check it out

    • Are all the episodes available on the patreon? Had a look and couldn’t see the Liv Hewson one there

      • Season 3 is currently airing, and will be releasing episodes biweekly! Liv’s episode should be coming out in the next couple months.

Comments are closed.

No Filter: Everyone Who Is Queer and Hot and Cool Is a Taurus

feature image photo via Victoria Monét’s Instagram

Hello and welcome back to No Filter! This is the place where I tell you all about what our favorite famous queers were up to, via their posts on Instagram! Let’s rock and certainly also roll!

It really makes you think, doesn’t it? That everyone who is cool and hot is also a Taurus?

This look, to me, screams “haven’t you people ever heard of closing a goddamn door” and that, I love!

Well I guess it IS better to face these kinds of things with a sense of poise and rationality???

Thrilled for these two, as ever. Their vibes are always good!

What do you know! Another stunning hottie, another Taurus!

Renee Rapp at Cowboy Carter

Honestly my favorite thing about Reneé might indeed be that she is such a member of the Hive? It’s so relatable!

This is..perfect to me. A Meg Popeyes??? What??

Hey could everyone stop cancelling Kehlani’s concerts cause she’s pro-Palestine? That would rock for me!

…not to make this about me, but I still haven’t decided if I am going the fully country route for my Cowboy Carter look!

At this point the Betts family IS Pride? Like they run this shit!

Cardi B at the Met Gala

STILL my favorite look of the night! The pattern, the tailoring, the colors, the hair…slayed, ate, left no crumbs.

Well I like this dress more in photos than I did on the carpet, but still…shoulda been a suit, Meg!

Doechii

I am conflicted by this as the face is BEAT to the gods, but…a brand on the cheek? A LV brand at that? Hmm. Lip is so good!

After partyyyyyy look! Love this skirt and this…fabric that is a top. And I can’t get enough of her in the red hair!!

Okay I can’t lie, I like this look MORE knowing Paul Tazewell designed it. Sorry, that’s my truth!

Speaking of, I am begging for more Paul and Thom Browne collabs cause this???? Is perfect!

Well WELL WELL! Another ding dang Taurus legend!

Hunter is simply too good at dressing for my liking!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 348 articles for us.

An Apocalypse Is a Great Way To Test a Relationship

This is The Parlour, a new weekly micro-essay series at Autostraddle for unfiltered, of-the-moment queer slice-of-life writing. We launched The Parlour initially as a newsletter and paywalled series, but we’re pivoting! The Parlour will no longer be a newsletter but rather a hybrid series on-site that is sometimes paywalled for our members, sometimes available to everyone (like this one! you can all read it!). The editors conceived of The Parlour as being an interesting way to archive current queer life on a super micro level. The writer for The Parlour rotates weekly, so you’re getting a bevy of queer and trans perspectives Wednesday to Wednesday. The purpose of these micro essays is to write in the moment, to ask questions without the pressure to answer them, to hopefully start a conversation and welcome you into our shared queer diary.

“Lisbon would make a fantastic apocalypse city,” I said to my girlfriend as we struggled up and down the city’s cobblestone streets. It reminded me of maps I’d seen in video games or zombie movies – lots of balconettes and varied rooftop heights perfect for fleeing or chasing. It was our second evening in town, and we were making our way to the queer street, Rua da Rosa, for dinner and drinks. We ate at a restaurant called Leonetta and both decided it would make a beautiful name for a daughter.

It was that same day we learned my girlfriend had accidentally set me up to misgender myself for the first 48 hours by telling me “thank you” in Portuguese is gendered based on the person you’re saying it to. So, to her understanding, you’d say “obrigado” when thanking a man and “obrigada” when thanking a woman. But what language actually works like that? None. The translation is actually gendered based on the person doing the thanking. So each time I proudly said “obrigada” to folks at the airport, taxi drivers, neighbors, shop workers, and everyone else we interacted with in our first two days, I was outing myself. Oops.

Unbeknownst to me, the next day I would catch a glimpse of what Lisbon might look like during an apocalypse. My girlfriend and I were on a private tour of neighboring cities, Sintra and Cascais, with our incredibly kind tour guide Tiago when the entire Iberian Peninsula’s grid went down. More specifically, we were in a castle on the top of a mountain.

First, it was the cell service. Texts weren’t sending, but that was to be expected in such a location. Next, the castle staff’s electronic system went down, making them unable to track the number of people on the grounds. We finally learned this was a large-scale issue when Tiago received a call from his mother, who he lived with, alerting him that Portugal, Spain, and part of France’s grids were down.

“Please take care of the cheesecake in the refrigerator?” he asked his mom. “It’s homemade,” he explained to us in the back of the Sprinter van.

Motti next to a box that says TBOY
Motti and Britt in a meadow

Slowly but surely, each of our planned tours for the rest of the day was canceled for safety reasons. We were about 45 minutes away from central Lisbon, where we were staying, and none of the traffic lights were working. We had a decision to make: go back to Tiago’s house and eat cheesecake with him and his mom or try to make our way back to Lisbon. Tiago felt confident he could get us back to the city.

The electricity was, indeed, out in the apartment where we were staying. We were so tired from the nearly 20,000 steps we took earlier and took a shared nap on the living room couch. When we awoke, the power was still off. No problem, there appeared to be plenty of people in our neighborhood dining outside… surely restaurants have generators. Wrong. Everyone was in full March 2020 mode, erecting makeshift accommodations for hungry, panicked people and slightly breaking capacity and health code rules without clear instruction from the government on what to do. It oddly felt nostalgic and comforting, if not also absolutely terrifying.

“Does Portugal have any enemies?” I thought to myself. And eventually, aloud.

“I don’t think so,” my girlfriend replied.

This is how an apocalypse movie usually starts, to be fair. The grid goes down, governments fail to prepare their citizens for disaster, they freak out and take sides, and war begins without anyone ever having to deploy a weapon.

The emergency radio said restoring the grid could take anywhere between eight hours and three days. We were sure people would be looting the main strip of designer stores close to where we were staying within the first hour.

“Oh right, that would only happen in America,” my girlfriend and I remembered, grateful to be in Europe.

We made our way to a Sofitel on the main strip and stole their Wi-Fi out on the sidewalk. We were turned away from their restaurant since we weren’t staying there.

“We’ll pay! We have money!” we begged. The only problem was, we didn’t. We only had 40 euros between us, and all of the ATMs were out of service during the blackout. So there we were, in a foreign country with no cell service, no electricity, barely any cash, and all I knew how to say in the local language was “Thanks, I am a woman.”

Motti and Britt in Portugal
Motti and Britt in Portugal

Despite it all, I felt pretty calm. Maybe it was because I had already scoped out the best hideaway spots on our walks throughout the city, or because I had already experienced a widespread public disaster, or because I was with the love of my life… but I knew everything was going to be okay. After getting turned away from about 22 restaurants, in what my girlfriend described as a real “no room at the inn” situation, we found a small, local restaurant to eat at and be amongst people. After the server told us which items were still available to order, my girlfriend and I did some quick math to see how long we could make our 40 euros last and decided on our dinner order: a basket of bread with butter.

After an hour and forty minutes, the basket of bread and butter made it to our table. By then, the sun had begun to set, and the grid being down went from something that meant we couldn’t look at Instagram to something that meant we wouldn’t be able to find our way back to the apartment easily. Admittedly, we were scared! We started to discuss game plans in case our train in the morning would be canceled, how to get in touch with our parents back in the States, and how we’d eat the next day. We were trying to be practical but also, we’re two comedians, so we had as much fun as we could between logistical discussions. We people-watched, theorized what kind of cheesecake-filled life Tiago lived, and shared stories we somehow hadn’t told each other when, all of a sudden, a few street lights down the block lit up. And with the lights came cheers of locals and visitors alike in that small alleyway.

It was like people out on their fire escapes banging pots and pans together for medical professionals in 2020 — so happy and excited and relieved that they couldn’t help but shout about it.

All in all, the blackout lasted, for us, about ten hours. So, not quite apocalyptic status, but close enough. I maintain my original stance: Lisbon would make a fantastic apocalyptic city. But I think what I really learned is that my girlfriend makes a fantastic apocalyptic buddy.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Motti

Motti (he/they) is a New York born and raised comedian, writer, and content creator. You can find him on Instagram @hotfunnysmartmotti or at a bar show in Brooklyn somewhere.

Reed has written 43 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. I love this series! Quick snapshots that take me out of my own reality for a moment and let me step into someone else’s. Glad you and your girlfriend were safe!

  2. I wouldn’t worry too much about origada/o. People probably assumed you were just starting the language and making an easy mistake.

    We do know that Lisbon would make an amazing apocalypse city, because it already happened. A powerful earthquake and tsunami hit Lisbon, followed by a massive firestorm, as it was All Soul’s Day, and everyone was in church, lighting candles. The existing city was flattened, and rebuilt as “Enlightenment on a budget”, as Rick Steves says.

    • Haha totally, I’m not worried about it, just made me laugh so much. And yes! We learned all about All Soul’s Day on our tour (the day the outage happened). I didn’t have any visuals for it, but our guide had really fun stories about that day that have tricked down generations.

  3. Non native speakers always struggle with tenses and genders in portuguese, doubtful anyone thought much of it.

    Male form is universal both genders can use it.

Comments are closed.

Mini Crossword Joined a Gay Softball League

and

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Kate Hawkins

Kate Hawkins is a city-loving Californian currently residing in New Hampshire with her wife and toddler, where she's currently enjoying sports that require unwieldy pieces of equipment (kayaking! biking! cross country skiing!) and grilling lots of corn. She's stoked to be writing puzzles for Autostraddle and hopes you enjoy solving these gay puzzles!

Kate has written 70 articles for us.

Rachel

Rachel is a queer crossword constructor, writer, and bioethicist.

Rachel has written 4 articles for us.

1 Comment

Comments are closed.

Our Best Memories With Our Worst Exes

and

Even bad relationships — or relationships that end in bad breakups — contain good memories. Even when it comes to the exes we by no means consider friends anymore, there are special places, experiences, objects, and adventures we shared with them once upon a time. It’s easy to remember the bad when it comes to a fraught or painful relationship. But I think it’s important to still remember the good, not in a nostalgic way but in a way that honors the person you were then and the complexity of romantic relationships, which so often can’t be summed up by or categorized as just Good and Bad. So I thought I’d take my own personal philosophy and ask a bunch of Autostraddle team members to share their favorite memories with their worst exes, prompting many an existential crisis about how to determine what “worst ex” really means. Naturally, we thought this would be a good one to hide behind the paywall so we could be a bit more candid.

What’s the memory you still hold onto of a person you’ve released yourself from? Share in the comments!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1020 articles for us.

the team

auto has written 777 articles for us.

6 Comments

  1. Omg I love this. Also I don’t think I have read anything by/about mal before but that is powerful <3 Love the variety in responses and how still everyone finds it hard to call someone their "worst ex".

    Idk if you also want audience responses on this but maybe I will just leave a comment and hope everyone else follows suit and also shares their experiences open thread style lol. My "worst ex" is also my best ex, the one relationship in which I was actually deeply in love at some point and in which we were deeply committed (living together, talking about getting married etc). She was my best ex because of all that love and commitment and attraction, and my worst ex because of the disappointment that followed all those high expectations we had, but hot DAMN there's a lot of good memories there, so many that it's really hard to pick a favourite. Like Kayla my ex and I were extremely food-oriented, so I'm gonna go with one of many, MANY happy restaurant memories and say the time we went to IHOP (very fun tradition for me as a European) and two older dykes seated right across from us called us "sisters" as they left. As in, "have a good day, sisters" or something like it, like we were THEIR sisters in dykedom. I will never forget that.

    • yes thank you for sharing, would LOVE if other folks chime in open thread style :)

      love the idea of there being a thin line between worst/best ex. omggggg this story is so powerful. here in Florida, there’s an IHOP where a bunch of queer people work and so a lot of queer people also go because it feels like such a safe and welcoming place so my wife calls it Gay IHOP lol. if two older dykes blessed me with the gift of sisterhood in an IHOP i would cry with happiness. thanks for sharing the story!!!!

      • Yes I would love it to be a thread! Pallas I respect your bravery to begin it! That IHOP moment sounds absolutely wonderful, and as a fellow European let me say I miss IHOP!

        I think my best memory with my worst ex (I also feel bad calling her my worst! We’re not in contact really anymore but she wasn’t bad, just we weren’t that compatible and the end got bad!) was actually not that related to her! It was when I was visiting her parents for the second time – she’d come out to them because of me, and it’d gone pretty well but she’d been nervous – and her dad gave me a copy of his Cuban cookbook (they’re Cuban) because I’d loved the food so much last time. This was the first time I’d met a partners parents and I’d been worried they were Politely Tolerating me and our relationship, but was just such a wonderful sense of acceptance.

        Not only do I still use and love the cookbook, but a recipe from it was the first thing I cooked for my current partner of 6 years!

        • i do love how everyone’s definition/conception of “worst ex” varies a lot — so interesting! yeah totally makes sense that sometimes the “worst” ex is the one where it was simply the “worst” fit.

          i also have a lot of strong memories about multiple ex’s parents and families. one of the strangest parts of a breakup, i think, is that SO MANY people disappear from your life, not just the person you were in a relationship with (at least, in the cases of “bad” breakups). thanks for sharing your memory! you know i ESPECIALLY love food-related memories

  2. I’ve put my experience in the thread, but I also wanted to say the range of responses here is super interesting AND Kayla yes bring back wild cravings!!

Comments are closed.

Fishing Is for Everyone

To begin, we must start with the fundamental, the original memory, even if it glares in our vision.

It is spring or early summer in rural Oklahoma, everything verdant shades of green, the wind crisp and cool. My mother and I are at the park, which is really not much of a park, but instead an offshoot of the country lands that surround us. Still, it is ours, as much as anything can be. We, and the thirty or so other members of the Elm Grove Baptist Church, are gathered there for a church-sponsored fishing competition, in which I, too, am competing, even as shy as I am, even as strange as I am. There is something about the outdoors, about the spirits that make up the earth, that calms me, that stills the restless fear inside of me unlike anything, even a book, even the Ghost, has ever done before.

The pond, for it is a pond and not a lake, is not fit for swimming. There is moss crawling up to the shore, and it is filled with strange, mean ducks, and yet it still glimmers beautifully in the sun, it still smells of something dark and appealing, it is still surrounded by clean air and singing birds and the whisper of vegetal and loamy secrets.

My father is there, somehow, a little late, in his bandana and sunglasses and patterned shirt. He does not look like a respectable father, for he is too large, for he is in a permanent state of tipsy, if not drunkenness, for he laughs too loudly. For he is much darker than any of the other fathers there, his skin is copper, and beside him I look as if a pale imitation of color. And, of course, there are the facts surrounding him: that I do not know him, that I fear him, and that I want him to love me, even though somehow, though no one has ever said it, I know that this is an impossible wish, an embarrassing one.

Still, his big hands are gentle as they cover mine, yes cast this way, guided by your breath, yes settle into the grass for a bit, even though everyone else around you is standing, feel the sun-warmed earth, isn’t it a beautiful day. No, keep the rod, watch the bobber (see, the other children’s father’s yanking it from their hands, sighing deeply), I’ll tell you when to pull up, and then you’ll show me. You’re a natural; you’re just like me, wait, now set the hook. She brings us a lemonade to share. Is the cap dusty? Sure, but it is sweet like the drop of dew from the honeysuckle, like they say about manna in Sunday School. She is so beautiful it makes me sad to look at her, sometimes. Her eyes are green like everything in the world that I love. His eyes, behind the shades, are the color of dirt gone wet by the hot summer rain. Is that really what I look like? So alive? Even now, I think, because I am not there to see it, he will be walking through the woods. Even now, I think, there is no way he can be dead.

Oh, but I remember so little else, though I want to so deeply it aches. Only the Barbie tackle box I won, the most fish by a mile in my category. Only the pride in his gaze. Only the ghosts. Only after everyone else is gone, and I am left alone, that at least I will have one thing left.

For there will always be fishing.

𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 
Get Hooked, on its face, is a six-part documentary series about, well, fishing. I can hear the non-nature inclined among you sigh, but, if you will, come along on this journey with me, because maybe I (and the delightful cast) can change your mind.

In this series, we are introduced to Faye Marsay (star of Adolescence), Emma, Vik, and SJ, four best friends who grew up in small towns where it wasn’t always easy to be queer. They love nature and being near water, and fishing is their safe space together. A space where they don’t see many women, or, as many of us can assume, anyone but cis white men. They have come to Ottawa, Canada not only to fish, but to learn and to experience, plus stay in a cozy cabin in the woods.

In my early watching, I could already tell something was different about this documentary, and for the better. The cast, on camera, holds a genuine warmth. Their love for each other, even when it isn’t expressed in words, is a presence on screen, a fifth castmate, if you will. SJ, especially, I felt connected to in that first episode. She expresses that she feels very lucky to travel, because she never thought it was possible, and like me neither. It feels like a dream come true every time I fly somewhere, much less am invited to attend an event. The gratitude each of them brings to this adventure speaks volumes about their characters. Even if we only know them a short while, we feel as if we are among them.

Each episode of Get Hooked follows roughly the same formula: We begin with a moment of centering from one of the main four, then transition into the car to travel to that day’s destination, with some gentle ribbing to whoever is driving. There, we meet our guide, go over our gear, learn about which fish we’ll be fishing, receive some teaching, and head to the water. After that, it’s a Polaroid picture, some reflection, and off to sleep in the cozy cabin.

Simple enough, no? But it is the way that the show handles the finer elements of destination, guide, gear, teaching, time on the water, and reflection that keeps the viewer compelled, even if you aren’t a fisherman, or have no previous interest in fishing at all. It is where magic, at least for me, is truly made.

On Destination

If you’re in North America, you’re on Native land. This is an inextricable fact. That said, I, like many other Indigenous people, tire of a land acknowledgement without backing, so I am very glad to report that Get Hooked does it the right way. Not only are the destination names where the cast will be fishing presented to you in their correct tongues, the series understands that there is no fishing without Indigenous people. This is demonstrated to us, among other things, through several Indigenous guides in several episodes (that they didn’t cram this history into one episode is another point in their favor). Right off the bat we learn that even the canoes we use today are based off Indigenous technology thousands of years old, and to always use the “never take the first, or the last” rule when it comes to fishing, harvesting, or any other kind of resource. We learn, too, that the cast has a respect for the beauty and power of the land they are on.

I was surprised by this, I’m a little ashamed to say. I am so used to defending the land I grew up on and around, the land of this country, to people who think it has no appeal, that it is ugly in a way only America can be, but I found none of this attitude in Get Hooked. What a beautiful thing, really.

On Guides

First off, I need the record to show that I would go fishing with every single one of the people on this show. That’s pretty high praise for me, someone who considers fishing not only spiritual, but sacred emotionally and culturally. Our guides are diverse, and they clearly love what they do, but they’re also good at what they do, even if the fish aren’t biting. This is another integral bit of wisdom ingrained in the series and repeated often: “It’s called fishing, not catching.” Though the group can get a little competitive, it is so friendly that one doesn’t even want to call it competition.

The guides in Get Hooked are truly stand out, from Demiesha Dennis who is challenging the ideas of who gets to occupy the outdoors, to Dave Furgoch, a blind angler with a passion for bringing fishing to others, to Frank Learney, a Sixties Scoop survivor who works in drug rehabilitation.

It was an amazing thing indeed to see this variety of Canada’s anglers, as well as the way they cheered on this group of queer people, despite the disparate experiences involved, and the idea of so many existing prejudices. The series taps in and sustains, too, the social aspect of fishing. The conversations had on the shore and in various boats may be intermittent, but they are far from staged. There is genuine interest and back and forth here, the kind that can’t be faked.

On Gear

Visually, not just including the landscape, the show is deeply compelling. Interspersed with our clearly shot by a professional cameraman moments, we see footage from the old video camera the group hauls around, which echoes a sentimental thread throughout the series. Technology, though it connects us, is also a burden. To return to nature is to return to ourselves. There is no Googling, no (Instagram) reels, just a fount of community knowledge, and a respite from the pains of the world. As guide Emily O’Brien puts it: “Severing the tether to technology is a huge thing!”

Plus, there’s just some amazing graphics. Each time we get a round-up about our gear or fish, they are not just listed on screen, but they become kitschy and interactive. I’m thinking of a musky howling at the moon and a VHS tape listing in particular. I find this attention to detail particularly admirable given the indie nature of the series.

On Teaching

Teach a man to fish, the old adage starts. But how one teaches said man (or woman) to fish is more important to me than why. The guides in this series, as I have already mentioned, all have their strengths, there is not a weak one among them. They also possess, each of them, an abundance of perseverance and humor. You must, really, to be a good fisherman. There is a deep like and respect the group holds for each of their shifting guides, and their friendship, deeply held, shifts to accommodate the wonder of new learning, and new people, each time they interact with them.

Yes, sometimes (quite a bit actually) no one catches ANYTHING, but that’s not the point. There are no poor teachers OR poor students in Get Hooked, for what is being taught, and in turn learned, in each episode is not simply fishing, but a kind of etiquette for living.

Take, for example, in episode five, when the group is with Kenneth Tse (science teacher and fishing guide), who says: “You have to fish cooperatively. It’s a more enjoyable process for everybody.” Fishing, then, is not an individualist’s game, but a community endeavor, one that everyone should, and can, participate in.

On Time on the Water

Time on the water is perhaps the most vital and action-oriented part of the series. For what is a fish without water? Of course, not everyone owns a boat, or is even able to navigate the sometimes treacherous walk to the water. It is here that the series’ commitment to accessibility shines. There is no competition made out of who can get to the murkiest or fastest running water, but instead an acknowledgment of the possibilities of other venues, such as a public park. A public park is exactly where the group meets Rosie Jones, an award-winning comic and actor who speaks openly about her disability and mobility issues. Fishing with Rosie is the way we round out the series, both with laughter and no small amount of peace.

On Reflection (and Endings)

If I am to criticize anything about Get Hooked, it is its brevity. Of course, beauty lies in brevity, too, but I would have loved more time with the group and their guides. But, so it goes, and all things must end. Each of the four of our main cast gets their time to reflect, and in doing so we feel more connected to them through their vulnerability, such as Emma expressing their love of surfing, or Vik’s particular brand of quiet contemplation. It charges us to reflect, too. On our relationship with nature, yes, but also each other.

And, if I can leave you with anything, it is to remember that the fascists (if I may be so bold) want us disconnected. They want us alienated from the world around us. Get Hooked, though it does not explicitly state this with a political bent, does understand that our future is not AI or TikTok, but in the natural world around us and each other.

And hey, if fishing isn’t up your… river, that’s okay, too. Whether it is learning about local pollinators or going on a weekly litter round-up, we can all center steps to make a better, and queerer, future.

All six episodes of GET HOOKED are streaming on OUTtv.com and AMI+.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Autumn Fourkiller

Autumn Fourkiller is a writer and mystic from the “Early Death Capital of the World.” She is currently at work on a novel about Indigeneity, the Olympics, and climate change. A 2022 Ann Friedman Weekly Fellow, her work can be found in Atlas Obscura, Majuscule, Longreads, and elsewhere. You can follow her newsletter, Dream Interpretation for Dummies, on Substack.

Autumn has written 15 articles for us.

8 Comments

  2. fishing IS queer culture!!!! i’ve been saying this!!!!!! so excited there’s now a series that proves my point, and this review is great to boot!!

    • thank you :’) literally there should be queer fishing clubs EVERYWHERE

  3. Autumn Fourkiller you could write about absolutely anything and I will read it happily and gratefully. That introduction, holy shit <3 I can't wait to watch this show.

    • Pallas!!! Thank you so much, and thank you for reading. I hope you love the show as much as I do!!! Pls update me when you watch it.

  4. i imagine our too-big, too-brown, too-drunk, too-loud, two dead dads sitting in the grass alongside a body of water, cold cans sweating in their too-large hands while they share stories of us, pride filling their laughter, laughter so big it creates ripples along the water’s surface. <3

    • what a gift this comment is. thank you, this made me cry at my desk, but they were good tears. i’m imagining this, too, and i can see it as clearly as i’ve ever seen anything. wow, yeah, just thank you. <3 <3 <3

Comments are closed.

Met Gala 2025: All the Superfine Queer Looks From This Year’s Fashion

Like clockwork on the first Monday of May, anyone who cares about celebrity and fashion is logged on to watch the Met Gala looks come flying down the timeline. It’s one of spring’s most glorious traditions, sitting on your couch in ratty sweats and bemoaning the latest victim to attempt to wear satin on the red carpet. This is when we all suddenly become experts on the theme: who slayed, who missed, and who didn’t even bother to try.

This year’s theme, “Superfine: Tailoring Black Style,” was both a cause for joy and, let’s be honest, slight worry. Andrew Bolton, head curator at Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute had described this theme as a way of paying tribute to André Leon Talley, but asking famous people to celebrate Black style right here in 2025? Well, I was worried, to say the least! “Superfine” was inspired by Monica L. Miller’s 2009 book, Slaves to Fashion: Black Dandyism and the Styling of Black Diasporic Identity, and thus I expected to see a lot of misfires while attempting to nail the cool and effortless style. Being a Black Dandy isn’t just about a perfectly placed pocket square, or a crease so sharp it could kill a man. It’s a declaration of our being here, and our refusal to be erased. It’s about refinement as a weapon, it’s about reclaiming dignity in a world that refuses to show you any.

So, how did our favorite queers do last night? Without further ado, let’s get into it!

Colman Domingo & Raul Domingo wearing Valentino (photo by Savion Washington/Getty Images)

Colman is singularly the one man I was not worried about, as he dresses perfectly for this brief, and he was a co-chair! But I loove the pleating on his pants, the pattern mixing with the black and white and the RINGS! Raul also crushed, it’s giving perfect couple?

Sha-carri Richardson wearing Valentino by Alessandro Michele (photo by Savion Washington/Getty Images)

This is a nice dress! It feels a little more akin to the Sleeping Beauties theme from last year? But I like it!

Tessa Thompson (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

Black Dandy meets Queen of Hearts and THAT is the kind of energy I like and need to see!

Jonquel Jones at the Met Gala 2025

Jonquel Q Jones (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

The best hair look on the carpet hands down!!

Breanna Stewart wearing Sergio Hudson (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

Serviceable! Perfectly serviceable! I mean, tough that both Anna Saiwai and Zendaya showed up in white suits, (Zendaya was the clear winner) but still! Love the lil curl, could have used like, one more accessory? But again, serviceable!

Doechii wearing Louis Vuitton (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

This is SO close to a full slay for me. The shorts need a little tailor assist, and I wish she stuck with Thom Browne for that very reason! But the hair?? The cigar? The cropped jacket? That’s a YES for me!

Cardi B (photo by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)

This is my favorite look of the night I think? I love the 70s dandy energy, and I love how very Cardi this feels. She is wearing it, not the other way around! I could…have done without the colored contacts, but alas, I shall live to fight another day.

Cynthia Erivo wearing a custom gown designed by Sarah Burton for Givenchy (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

I am…mixed on this? I want to like it? But something is stopping me from doing so, and I don’t know what it is! Maybe the high/low hemline is too dramatic? I don’t know!!!

Chappell Roan (photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

Technically this should work? It should give me the same 70s vibe as Cardi, but perhaps this is too far into Bowie? I mean, she looks great! But it doesn’t read dandy to me, and that’s just the way of it!

Cole Escola, wearing Christopher John Rogers (photo by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)

This is PERFECT. Still feels unquestionably Cole, but you can clock the dandy inspiration in the cut of the pants and the wide lapels. No notes!

Christian Cowan and Sam Smith wearing Christian Cowan (photo by Theo Wargo/FilmMagic)

I don’t know why I can only think about The Phantom of the Opera when looking at this image, but alas, there it is. It works, I just want a little more, I think?

Lizzo wearing Christian Siriano (photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

IN love with this look, it’s like if Ursula and Josephine Baker had a baby and it grew up simply to serve looks?

Hunter Schafer (photo by Savion Washington/Getty Images)

It’s actually troubling to me that Hunter can wear literally anything? Love the hat here, it shouldn’t quite work, but it does!

Ayo Edebiri wearing a custom gown from Maximillian Davis and Ferragamo (photo by John Shearer/WireImage)

LOVE THIS!!! Love that the coral is shoutout to her Dad and her Nigerian roots!

KeKe Palmer wearing Marc Jacobs (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

The black leggings are taking me out of this look, unfortch! I love the top, but the bottom….can go. With love to Keke!

Alex Newell (photo by Jamie McCarthy/Getty Images)

Alex Newell I love you but I need more? I’m so sorry that I hate this dress, actually! The more I look at it, the less I like it!

Megan Thee Stallion wearing Michael Kors (photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for The Met Museum/Vogue)

Here’s the thing, Meg looks great in this silhouette! It’s just…we see this on her a lot, and I would have loved to see her in suit, or something menswear inspired. I love the hair, a gorgeous Josephine Baker reference!

Janelle Monáe wearing a Paul Tazewell/Thom Browne collaboration (photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images)

It’s never a question if Janelle will nail the theme, it’s only a question of HOW, and this collab with Paul Tazewell and Thom Browne is it. The stripes, the black and red, plus the little steampunk monocle? Very Janelle, very dandy!

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Christina Tucker

Christina Tucker is writer and podcaster living in Philadelphia. Find her on Twitter or Instagram!

Christina has written 348 articles for us.

‘I’m a Switch Having Trouble Initiating Topping’

Q:

Hello!

I really enjoyed the article responding to the person who started dating a self-proclaimed switch who then did their best to avoid ever topping. I’m not That Person specifically, but I’ve found myself in a situation where I (who truly believes themself to be a switch) has ended up bottoming almost exclusively in about 7 months of being together.

My partner has made it clear that this makes them feel like shit — I top about once a month (I don’t initiate unless I want to which is unfortunately infrequent). They have a high libido and I have a relatively low one. Hence, they are always initiating and being sexually dominant because they want it to happen and I am obliging them when I’d mostly rather have an early night.

We have good and regular sex, and everything else in the relationship is going great. I really love them and want to make them feel desired and satisfied. So, my question comes in two parts:

1) any suggestions for how I can take the bull by the horns and manage to derail them from fucking me so I can return the favour more often?

2) how can I do this whilst not just topping with no desire to do it because I’m so used to coasting on responsive arousal?

A:

Hi to you!

Doesn’t it suck when a comfortable routine for you stresses your partner out? Your version of this is sexual, but all relationships find non-sexual versions of this too. Things settled into a pattern. It’s not ideal for one or both people. People have their reasons for not speaking up over something minor. Poof! A minor inconvenience is now entrenched in the relationship as routine, and the irritation builds.

Well, I commend you for seeing the effect this has on your partner and trying to find a way out. It’s difficult to make ourselves want to escape a satisfactory routine. We crave routine, comfort, and low-anxiety states of mind. Even if it’s a good decision, doing something that counters our love for routine is always an uphill fight.

You have options nonetheless.

On the question of derailing their attempts to top you so you can turn the tables on them, I think there’s room for exactly that. Turning the tables on a partner (consensually) is a common thread in kinky relationships. It’s especially popular when the dynamic has a mismatch, but there’s still sexual enthusiasm to overcome it. Two people who lean submissive and bratty ‘fighting’ over who gets to dom tonight. A switch deciding that it’d be more entertaining if they swung on top and dominated their partner. I won’t presume that your shared sexual dynamic has a particular leaning, but I must make it clear that there is an established form of play that involves flipping the script.

This kind of role reversal should be discussed with your partner ahead of time. I suspect they’d be quite happy with being ‘surprised’ by this reversal, once it’s negotiated. This is my first suggestion because it doesn’t replace the existing patterns you’ve built for your sex life. There’s an established pattern (routine, if you will) where your partner initiates sex. It’s very likely that even if your partner is frustrated, they’re also in this routine funk. Trying to make them deviate adds potential complications, but you’re not asking them to not initiate. You’re just leaving open the possibility that they’ll initiate and you’ll take over.

I think you already know what I’m talking about. The wording in your question like take the bull by the horns and derail them all speaks to diverting their existing interest in everyone’s favor. I see an opportunity here.

The potential hiccup I see in my idea is echoed by your second question. I live for submission, but I know that my dominant counterparts need to be in the zone for it to happen, just as much as I need to be in the zone for submission. How you can get out of the mindset of coasting on arousal to get up and TOP is much more personal. I can offer guidance, but everyone will be different.

Be a brat

Both in the vivacious Charli XCX way and rebellious, mischievous, and kinky way. If you’re able to adopt a ‘top’ mindset and not flip onto your back the moment a good time is promised, I envy you. But when I need to dislodge my submissive side and take charge, I require an alternate framing. Being ‘dominant’ just isn’t me. But being a little shit is absolutely my wheelhouse. The shortcut that works for me is to indulge in the mischief and rebellion already present inside me to flip into a semi-dominant mindset. If my partner gives in, then we’ve got a new rhythm going.

If you’re trying to achieve a mindset that deviates from cozy submission, it might be good to find a form of resistant/rebellious submission that suits your personality. Then aim that at your partner until they’re down bad and learning their place. Bratty teasing and domination comes to my mind because that’s the framing device that works for me, but you’ll want to cultivate your own. Or you can steal mine. That’d be pretty bratty.

Adopt the language

I’m an avowed pillow princess. I also have a Master’s in Psychology. Those two worlds collided hard when I realized that the quickest way to stir dominant urges in a partner is to do the following: Make sure they’re upright and I’m on my back, and then invite them in verbally and physically (I like coiling my legs around them and pulling them in). The message is unambiguous, and the response is typically ravenous.

Sex is the intertwining of bodies, and bodies have a language. I know this is straying close to ‘fake it ’til you make it’ self-help books, but I wholeheartedly believe it works. Want to start topping? Make sure your partner doesn’t get you into the regular positions of your bottoming routine. Stave off the urge to get comfy and coast on your responsive libido. Be upright, stay upright, and mimic their routines when sex starts. Match their dominant body language with yours, and press a little until they see your game and let you in.

And truly, do whatever it takes to make it easier for your body to speak that language of dominance. If bottoming means comfy pillows, push them aside as a reminder that you should not be so cozy right now. Be bratty and make a game of not letting them get the top position on you this time. Desire only springs from thin air when we’re intensely into someone. The rest of the time, we need a nudge. Giving yourself that nudge by any means necessary will set you up for the next step. Then the next. And pretty soon, you’ll blink and realize you’re on top of the world (your partner).

Go climb your sexy person

So there. I’m closing off my advice here in the interests of not drowning my beleaguered editor Kayla in another customary mammoth draft.

From what I can see, your relationship has the right ingredients to make this happen. You’ve got a mutual willingness to see to each other’s needs, and the reflection needed to identify the challenge. If my suggestions sounded more ‘fun’ than a more logistically minded outline of sexual dynamics, that’s the point. Sex should be fun, and turning the tables on a willing and enthusiastic partner is ecstatically so. To make it happen, you just need two nudges. One happens in the mind, and the other communicates with the body. The rest will follow in the attempt.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Summer Tao

Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self

Summer has written 76 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. Two additional thoughts:
    Why exactly does your partner feel like shit with the current situation? Is it some sort of guilt for not being “equal” enough? Are they exhausted? Does it feel unfair for them? Do they actually miss bottoming? These are all completely different reasons with different potential solutions.
    Re. Bratty, though many people like brattiness, it can also be a complete turnoff for some. I noticed that brattiness has become almost synonymous for switching, but its not everybodys definition of switching.

  3. As someone who tops all the time I too get frustrated by stuff like this. I think many people don’t want to top frequently! But we bite the bullet because we love our partners and want to see them happy, and most frequently once it gets going you get into it. Yes sex should be fun for everyone. I’m sure I don’t have the healthiest outlook and could stand to abstain when I’m not feeling it more frequently. But also sex doesn’t have to be a blast and awesome for everyone every time. It can just be a nice thing you do for your partner.

    Ok something more constructive: don’t derail them from fucking you. Just start fucking them at the same time. Or just fuck them after. I know that can be a difficult head space switch but is certainly possible

  4. This happens in some of my relationships. As a masc presenting person, I am assumed a top, and having a bottom leave their comfort zone once in a blue moon and initiate and lead sex is a blessing. Once a week is a tall ask but would be nice. Once a month is more reasonable.

    I worry gay boy top/bottom culture has creeped into lesbian world which always felt like a world with way more switches… until recently. To me this top/bottom dynamic can imitate a lot of compulsory heteronormative behavior… But maybe thats just me.

Comments are closed.

Zach Stafford on the Met Gala, Black Dandyism, and André Leon Talley

Zach Stafford

feature image photo of Zach Stafford by Daniel Vasquez via Native Son

 

If Dandyism is the practice of self refinement through the curation of fashion and apparel, then Black Dandyism is the utilization of fashion and apparel to express and communicate one’s own agency and independence. Whether that be to persuade those in power by the emulation of them, or, to define oneself, according to your own terms, The Black Dandy knows that there can never be enough beauty. He acknowledges the famine for beauty in the world, and decides to fulfill it, through his own personal need and desire to adorn oneself with fashion.

It was the late fashion editor, André Leon Talley, who brought the Black Dandy to life. It was he who first planted the seeds for this year’s Met Gala, “Superfine: Tailoring Black Style”, during his tenure at Vogue. Andrew Bolton, head curator at Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute, found Slaves to Fashion: Black Dandyism and the Styling of Black Diasporic Identity, Dr. Monica L. Miller’s book that inspired this year’s Met Gala, shortly after the passing of André Leon Talley. He describes his death as “the catalyst for the show” in this morning’s press preview for the fashion exhibition.

The icon, who passed in 2022, is surely walking the halls of the Metropolitan Museum of Art, in preparation for the Met Gala. It is his spirit that many Black fashion designers and stylists will call upon on the big day. And the sweet irony of that. The man, who was once referred to as Queen Kong, is now the patron saint of the Met Gala. A Dandy indeed.

In this Q&A, we speak with Zach Stafford about his relationship to The Black Dandy, red carpet coverage, and the significance of Black fashion being on display for the world to see at this year’s Met Gala.

Taylor Crumpton: The ongoing conversations around this year’s Met Gala is that a lot of Black designers and fashion houses that historically haven’t been invited in the past now have a seat at the table. How do you feel about the framing of this year’s Met Gala, which appears to be a heralding of diversity, but, it does feel afterwards, let’s go back to the ways of the past?

Zach Stafford:  Yeah, that is true. You know Telfar will probably be there. Pyer Moss, probably won’t anymore, but so many Black designers, I could go down the list of them, are gonna be dressing, be present and may now be collected inside the Met. It is sad that they have not always been collected by the Met, that it does require an event of this scale for the Metropolitan Museum of Art to say maybe we missed some things.

I think Monica Miller who wrote Slaves of Fashion has helped them with the correcting of this issue as they’ve been building out the collection and taking in things. I bet they’ve had a lot of the clothing we’re gonna see. I think it’s just been deep in their archives. They’ve never done an exhibition like this. To your point, this is the first time clothing’s either being collected or being showcased after being hidden for so long, which is sad because Black culture has shaped all the Mets before.

I said that today when I was at Vogue, to the editors. I don’t think Black people have been waiting for this Met Gala at all. We for one thought it would never happen, and then two got real used to being like, we don’t need that.

We have our own stuff. We have our own ways of celebrating. In New York, Harlem Fashion Week is the big Black fashion week moment every year that operates outside of  New York fashion week. We have our spaces. We have our people. Dapper Dan wasn’t crying that he wasn’t getting invited. We survive. We push through. I think with this Met, it is an opportunity for people to finally honor the fact that we have shaped all of the Met galas in the past.

Rihanna is the biggest star that walks the carpet. Always has been. She’s a Black woman. Tyla wore sand last year. It stopped everything. She’s a Black woman from the continent of Africa. We always knew we were the best. Now everyone’s gonna see the best altogether. I think it’s a moment for us to really celebrate the ancestors that got us here.

People like WEB Du Bois or James Baldwin, who were dandies, who were using fashion to help elevate the other work they were doing. That’s also the history of the Dandy. Dandyism is a way of taking up space. I think your [TIME] piece hit on that too, where it’s about taking up space, showcasing fashions and interesting things, but it’s really a moment of being like you kidnapped us from Africa, threw us into this country, gave us scraps and we had to make something beautiful out of it and look what we’ve made.

I think the history of Blackness in America, that’s existed for 400 plus years, is always beating below us. We’ve become very used to telling that story to each other and now to the world. I don’t think we were ever waiting for the Met to tell that story. I said that to Chioma [Nnadi] today, Head of Editorial Content of British Vogue, it kind of feels like now you’re getting it.

We’ve always been here and been doing this. The point is a lot of the Black designers who are not being collected all worked for the biggest [fashion] houses. Whether it’s Michael Kors, Chanel, Bottega Veneta, but they just weren’t celebrated.

I think Monday will be the celebration of those names that you may not have realized were shaping the fashion that you’ve been wearing for decades.

Taylor: On Monday, you will be following in the footsteps of André Leon Talley by covering the red carpet for them, in the spirit and tradition of his poignant fashion critique. How are you preparing for Met Gala coverage?

Zach:  Oh my God. I have no idea what to expect because my position on the carpet is a collaboration between Vibe Check and Condé Nast. The day of, we’ll be with them. I think Teen Vogue as well, but mostly them, which is the queer [Condé Nast] publication.

I’ll have people stopping and talking to me. The thing I’ve been told over and over is, the guests are walking the carpet without their teams or publicists. It’s extremely overwhelming. I’ve never been before. It’ll be my first time, but they’ll kind of be left with their own devices.

We’ll see who walks over to do the conversation. I’ve even heard it in the past, André was so good at his job, because he demanded a seat at the top of the steps, and before people walked in he called them over. The best red carpet hostess ever, Keke Palmer, she called them in. I’ve been told because there’s so much going on. The press are on both sides. Cameras are on every side. It’s a lot. As I prepare for what I am bringing to the table for this, I’m really interested in the stories.

People are gonna be sharing the whys around why they picked it. For me, it’s not just tied to the theme, but I think we’re gonna see a lot of people mixing in pieces from their own archives or their family’s archives. I’ve heard a lot about vintage being pulled. When I say vintage, I’m not meaning mugler archives. I mean like people being like, there’s a brooch my grandmother used to wear to Sunday service. I’m gonna wear that brooch.

I think that’s gonna be really interesting, if that does happen, to where people are gonna be thinking about their own past, present, and futures, because Blackness exists in all timeframes at all times. Saint Laurent has been doing zoot suits this past year on the runways, but those come from the early 1900s. I think there’s gonna be this moment of time travel that’s happening for folks. They’re gonna have accessories and garments that really show that.

It feels different than when Kim Kardashian wore Marilyn Monroe’s dress; that felt very camp and that was interesting. That was a lot of other things about wealth and access. This is kind of a homegoing of some sorts. We’re needing to finally be able to say the names, to your point, of everyone that led us to this moment.

Not just the Andrés, but everyone else that has not been talked about enough. I hope in my red carpet coverage, I’m thinking of the diaspora, of ourselves in fashion, [of the] stories people are telling. I’m very interested in making sure Black queer people are celebrated because dandies are also coded as queer. Whether queer as in, they have sex with men or queer as in they just sit outside normativity.

Dandyism is to me forever queer. When LeBron James started wearing his dandified Thom Browne to NBA games, it was a queer moment. He’s carrying a bag. It’s queer-coded and has a queer sensibility. I’m excited because of the work we do on Vibe Check, my own work as a journalist, and just a person that thinks about the world. I’m excited that I will be very unapologetic about that queer history that will be displayed and be able to have the language to contextualize it in real time, where like my colleagues at other major broadcast outlets may not be able to catch certain things.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Taylor Crumpton

Taylor Crumpton is a music, pop culture, and politics writer from Dallas. In her work—which can be found in outlets like The Washington Post, The Wall Street Journal, Harper’s Bazaar, The Guardian, NPR, and many other platforms—Crumpton writes about a range of topics from Black Queer advocacy to the underrepresented hip-hop scenes in the southern United States to pop analysis on releases like “WAP” and “Black Is King.”

Taylor has written 2 articles for us.

3 Comments

  1. The MetGala is currently going on as I’m typing this and one thing I am noticing is that a majority of the white celebrities didn’t even try to stay on theme and it is pissing me off. Why even go if you were just going to be disrespectful to all your black peers who are making an effort? Yeah, I know the obvious answer is that they just to say that they went to a Met Gala but something tells me if it had been any other year they would have at least tried. It’s like all they heard was “black” and just decided wear anything in that color and didn’t even engage with the rest of the theme. Some of the women couldn’t even be bothered with even that much. Just put on a ball gown and called it a day.

  2. Doğayı seven, kuşları tanımak isteyen veya üretim konusunda kendini geliştirmek isteyen herkes için serinofil.com bir başvuru kaynağı niteliğinde.

  3. Just finally getting to this but I’m so excited to read this this interview Zach Stafford – Vibe Check is one of my favorite podcasts.

Comments are closed.

How To Welcome Joy When It Feels Impossible

Cowboy Clairvoyant is a new members-only newsletter and series by Autumn Fourkiller featuring dream interpretation, tarot answers, and more ventures into the Beyond.

Dear Dreamers,

Howdy, and welcome to the first ever all Answers From the Beyond edition of Cowboy Clairvoyant. When I floated this idea to my editor, our trusty KKU (she who loves to break form), she gave me an enthusiastic yes, and so if you’d like to see more focused newsletters, do let us know whether in the comments or here.

With that bit of housekeeping sorted, I wanted to give you all a little background on how I read Tarot (as it’s different for everyone). For me, like a lot of similar spiritual tools, the Tarot is simply a way to root myself and whoever I am reading for in the same kind of awareness. The things I am picking up on often exist outside of the symbol presented, but the symbol itself is something to hang on to. It is a funny thing that writing is my chosen medium (ha), because many mystics before me, and surely after me, too, have remarked upon how difficult it is to put words on top to the incommunicable, to the Divine, to the recesses of our psyches. And yet, it is the thing that calls to us, in the mouths of those we love, in the dark, in the eyes of strangers who carry something with them. Whenever I feel myself reaching into the past, the future, the Other Side, I know I am doing what I am meant to do in this iteration. The next step is simply to jot it all down.

I’ll leave you today with the scent of honeysuckle in the air, the first fully sunny day in this part of the state, and a lot of filtered water in your emotional support water bottle. Say thank you to the wind, the flowers, and the earth. Remember they like to talk, too. Remember they, too, can inform your life.

Yours Captivated by Wunmi Mosaku,
Cowboy

a dream door into a person consulting a book

I need a new career path in a new sector, what should I look for to decide?
– Anonymous 

Hi Anonymous,

Thank you for the gift of your question. And what a question it is! After three-ish years of working, in some capacity, for the state and federal governments, I find myself free, with nothing much to do except, well, what I feel I must. I completely understand your need for change, and I know the newness, though exciting, can hold a particular kind of unsettling shadow.

The first card I pulled for you was Judgement, an auspicious start! This card speaks to the truth of your situation — that this is a moment of reawakening for you, of big decisions, and that you should not settle or wait where you are.

When I was meditating on your question, a few things came forward as well. I thought of your adolescent self — what did you love then? What felt impossible? I don’t even mean say, you being an astronaut or explorer, I mean what are the things about those dreams of your future that appealed to you. Adventure? Math and science? Far flung places? Interrogate those. Write them down. See what they have in common.

All of that in mind, your second card, the Hierophant, warns you against ventures that may pull you away from the established. That isn’t to say that your new career path has to be boring, simply that it will appear to you fully formed — something akin to a year back in school, an externship, then a job, not a new stained glass business when you have never once considered stained glass. I think you have been looking at options already, and one seems more doable than the others. Take some time to think about it, but if it feels feasible, try it.

Our jobs may take the shape of our lives, especially in the world we find ourselves in, but they cannot be the only thing in our cups. Remember that, and things will come easily.

See you on the Other Side,
CC

dream door into a cityscape

Am I the only one holding myself back from achieving my dreams or is it karma?
– Paris 

Hi Paris,

Thank you for the gift of your question. And again, what a question it is. A very big one, too. To begin, I can tell you that my idea of “karma” will not be as developed as those in other traditions, though I do feel that there are things we carry with us in previous iterations, and sometimes, yes, those things hold us back, and they need to be resolved before we can move forward in the lives we currently occupy.

To answer your question, first I must ask you to think deeply about what your dreams are and why you feel there is something so “bad” about you that the Great Mystery itself would intervene to keep you from achieving those dreams. I sense a deep wound here, one I won’t prod at, but that I do feel must be tended to.

First, I pulled the Magician for you, suggesting to me (in the ouroboros) that there is something within the realms of our cycles of life and death that is important especially to you, but not so much that you are in debt to these cycles. Secondly, I pulled The High Priestess, speaking to me of a sacred stillness, a time to retreat and figure out who you really are, as things are not always as they appear to you now.

All that to say is, no I do not think karma is what is holding you back, but your attitude towards yourself regarding karma and intentions that is. Remember to stick towards cultivating, whether in ritual or in your own mind, what exactly it is you want to achieve, and that you are going to achieve it. Mindset isn’t everything, but it is important. Remember, too, that often our first thoughts are what is ingrained in us (that we are not good enough, that we are bad and incurable), and our second thoughts are who we actually are, and are becoming.

See you on the Other Side,
CC

a dream door into a wandering person in the desert

Even as I have a partner now, my lifelong loneliness overwhelms and dispirits me, and the joy of life now dims for a bit to a while. I’m not looking for toxic positivity silver linings but a way to feel the joy as deeply as the loneliness. 
–Wandering Wanderer 

Hi Wandering Wanderer,

Thank you for the gift of your question, or rather, your quest (if I can be so bold). First, let me assure you that I have no intention of blowing toxic positivity your way. I am not that kind of spiritualist, nor have I ever been. My issues actually lie in the same avenue that yours do — I am often overwhelmed by the sadness that has haunted me since childhood, whether that be my own or someone else’s or the ghosts.

All of that said, there is no easy answer to your question, nor could there ever be. Perhaps this is the wrong thing to say in a column geared towards the thing this column is geared to, but it’s true. I try to honor each interpretation or query that comes across my path with respect, kindness, but perhaps above all honesty.

To feel the joy as deeply as the loneliness will take work, hard work, spiritually and otherwise. It may never be easy, but it will always be worth it. My first advice for you is to cleanse, in whichever way you feel appropriate. I’ll use smoke here as an example: pass lavender smoke over your body, your doorways, hell, even your laptop. Take a salt bath. Light a white candle. When you light that candle, say I welcome joy, I welcome joy, I welcome joy. I call joy towards me, I call joy towards me, I call joy towards me. Say it out loud. Build this into your routine, make notes of joy that you see in other people, write them down, make them not just a passing observance but something that you must do. Keep this up, for weeks, for months. Eventually it will become easier, and perhaps you might even feel it in yourself.

Remember, too, that there are many on this path beside you, even if you cannot see them. Good luck. I am sending you joy upon joy.

See you on the Other Side,
CC

Submit your dreams and tarot questions to Cowboy Clairvoyant. You can also leave a comment on this article describing a dream to be interpreted.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Autumn Fourkiller

Autumn Fourkiller is a writer and mystic from the “Early Death Capital of the World.” She is currently at work on a novel about Indigeneity, the Olympics, and climate change. A 2022 Ann Friedman Weekly Fellow, her work can be found in Atlas Obscura, Majuscule, Longreads, and elsewhere. You can follow her newsletter, Dream Interpretation for Dummies, on Substack.

Autumn has written 15 articles for us.

‘The Last of Us’ Episode 204 Recap: Take On Me (Take Me On)

and

This recap will have spoilers for Season 2, Episode 4 of The Last of Us, “Day One”

Welcome to this recap of The Last of Us where Nic and I (Valerie Anne) talk about our favorite post-apocalyptic queer drama! Blah blah blah, proper name, place name, backstory stuff, don’t spoil the show by talking about things that happen later in the game, okay LET’S GET RIGHT INTO THIS VERY GAY EPISODE.

We open with a flashback from eleven years ago — some FEDRA agents and a little political lore.

The Last of Us 204: Hanrahan stands with some of her followers waiting for Isaac

“Hanrahan” is an awfully fun name to say for someone so seemingly…unfun.

Let’s break that down a bit.

Nic: You know, if all we knew about FEDRA was that they were a militia that formed after the Outbreak in place of the government, that would have been enough for me to hate them. But it’s really validating to get these additional moments that show the callousness of most of these soldiers. When Josh Peck (!!) started telling what passes for a humorous story among FEDRA troops, I thought he was calling citizens “bloaters”, but nope! It was way worse. To identify citizens by the fact that you took away their voting rights is heinous and I do not feel bad about them getting blown to bits about it.

And what the heck is going on with Isaac and Hanrahan? I assume she’s the leader of the Seraphites? And she’s welcoming him to the fight? But in what way?

Valerie: The neighborhood they were in had WLF painted on it, so I assumed Hanrahan was recruiting him to the Wolves? Early stages of WLF, and maybe Isaac is how they got some of their military equipment and training? It’s very possible I misunderstood this, anything I attempted to retain about the beginning of this episode is short-circuited like I got Men in Black mind-wiped when I watch the second half of this episode. Every time.

Anyway, I agree with you that I thought I couldn’t hate FEDRA more until I saw those asshats laughing it up in the douche van about killing innocent people for putting up fliers. (Douche van like a douche canoe, but on wheels.) It seems like Seattle has three problems: FEDRA, WLF, and what we now know are called Seraphites. I do wonder why Isaac chose that one sad-faced boy to recruit with him. Is it because he was so soft and new and he thought he could mold him in his image?

Nic: Okay you know what, you’re right that makes a lot of sense. I’m convinced! I really need to be better about listening when male characters talk. :shrug:

Back in the present, Dina and Ellie start off with a little looting and exploring, as well as developing the next stages of their plan.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie and Dina ride on horseback through the gates of Capitol Hill, pride flags in the background

As East Coast kids, we didn’t know Seattle’s Capitol Hill had a gayborhood and now we want to go!

Time to talk about Seattle: Day One.

Nic: I hope the people won’t get tired of the heaps of praise I have this week, but I absolutely LOVED every single thing about Dina and Ellie getting to Seattle. Like, when “Seattle Day One” popped up on screen, I screamed and clapped alone in my apartment. I loved watching their dynamic and comfort with each other continue to grow, from Ellie immediately noticing that something was off with Dina after the pharmacy, to Dina being able to bring Ellie back to reality before immediately running to the WLF news station base. I loved the setting being a near perfect replica of Game Seattle…down to the rainbows of Seattle’s Capitol Hill LGBTQ district. Heck, I even loved the inclusion of arguably the game’s most frustrating mechanic: opening a drawer to look for supplies and finding ZERO USEFUL ITEMS!!

Valerie: The dialogue while they were looting the drug store was so casual and comfortable, but I bet also useful; they should stay in direct contact with each other when they’re out of each other’s sight. It was such a small scene (until the end of course) but it really did show the “best friend” dynamic that Joel referred to back in episode one. I also loved that when Ellie asked if Dina was okay, she didn’t push when Dina obviously lied and said yes. Also “hit it, people to kill,” made me laugh. These girls can be so unserious, I love them.

Nic: Something I love that this show does, is remind us how culturally frozen in time parts of this world have been since Outbreak Day. This came up for me again later when Dina talks about figuring out her sexuality. It’s hard for me to imagine seeing a rainbow or the word “PRIDE” without immediately connecting it to queerness, but that’s just not the world Ellie and Dina grew up in. Dina genuinely asking “What’s with all the rainbows?” and Ellie just as innocently answering that they must have just been an optimistic group of people warmed my heart, but it also made me sad that their main experience with queerness was the slurs hurled at them.

Valerie: What’s funny about the rainbow thing is that I have to imagine there are some of these post-apocalyptic communities in the country, probably not unlike Jackson, that have thriving queer communities that still rock pride merch and have pride parades and all that jazz. It just so happens that Jackson only apparently had Ellie and Kat before this episode, and they were both too young to remember pre-Outbreak pride. I blame the adults in Jackson for not teaching these kids about rainbows and pride!! BUT it gave us a cute moment so I’ll take it.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie and Dina ride Shimmer past a Pride mural

This whole episode felt like an early Pride gift to us all!

Valerie: Also the moment in the street when Ellie went to inspect the tank showed me two things: one, how tactical these girls are. They might be young, but they were well-trained. When that tank hatch slammed, they both snapped into action, ready and waiting, no hesitation. And also: Ellie is an adorable nerd who knows all about Apollo 1. Cute!!

Nic: YES! And she was SO excited to share that knowledge with Dina, too. Ugh, I love them.

Valerie: Speaking of tactical, it really is a good thing Dina is here, because Ellie is a “charge first, ask questions later” while Dina keeps her grounded. The thing is, Ellie KNOWS good strategy. When Dina gives her a beat, she fills in the blanks. She’s just so fueled by rage she’s sometimes not thinking straight. Which is why she needs Dina.

Nic: Also probably she’s not thinking straight because of Dina. :rimshot:

Players of the game have been waiting for this moment, and it’s finally here.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie plays guitar while Dina listens with hearteyes

Can you believe this ICONIC scene is technically a missable cut scene in the game??? Because I can’t imagine this story without it.

The music store.

Nic: SDF;IJSDFK;JWBEAFK;SDHF;KSJAD;F

Valerie: I totally agree.

When Ellie goes to walk upstairs and Dina calls out, “Shout if something tries to kill you!” and Ellie responds chipperly, “That’s the plan!” I thought it was so cute and then, because I’m me, started to really overthink it and why it stuck out to me as such an important exchange. I feel like seeing Ellie and Dina played by young actors (vs projecting my own grown self on them/knowing it’s Full Adult Ashley Johnson etc while playing the game) really puts it in perspective that these are just teenagers, but they’re teenagers who were raised in the apocalypse. Like I said before, they’re tactical and smart and strong when they need to be, but they’re also so young. They’re not scared of danger around every corner, because they have lived a life such that they KNOW there’s danger around every corner. So no need to be scared, just prepared. And why not do so with a quippy attitude.

AAAANYWAY when Ellie walked upstairs and it looked just like the game and I knew exactly what was coming my heart rate skyrocketed. If you had asked me ten years ago what I thought about the song “Take On Me” I would have had a neutral-to-positive experience with it. But now that both The Last of Us AND The Magicians have weaponized it against me, it FILLS ME WITH EMOTIONS.

Nic: As soon as our gals (including Shimmer) walked into the music store my entire body tensed. I’d seen the promo photos so I knew it would look the way we remembered, but would they do the scene justice? Oh they did AND THEN SOME. Once Ellie gets upstairs and surveys the scene before her, she has this little smile on her face and I couldn’t help but wonder if she was thinking about how much Joel would love this place filled with music they could bond over. I won’t lie, when Ellie started to sing, I lost it. Her little voice, timid at first before settling into the familiarity of the song and the instrument. And when she catches Dina listening in, that youthfulness you talked about sneaks in because she seems almost embarrassed at being caught? It’s so so sweet.

Valerie: I was basically Dina watching this scene, big wide heart-eyes filling with tears. And Isabela Merced goes through every emotion in this scene. You can see a million reasons for the tears in her eyes. The fact that every day she watches Ellie fight and right now she gets to see a soft side of her she doesn’t often get to see, a side of her that’s at peace. The fact that she knows Joel taught her how to play guitar. The fact that Ellie sings, “I’ll be gone in a day or two,” and Dina knows that on this mission that’s a very real possibility. The fact that she’s a little extra hormonal these days, for reasons. And also, of course, because SHE’S SO IN LOVE.

Perfect scene was perfect.

Nic: IT WAS PERFECT, VALERIE!!! Those lingering shots on the records and the bench and the guitar…those were for us gaymers. I, too, had tears in my eyes watching Dina watch Ellie as if she couldn’t believe how amazing the girl in front of her is. How Ellie can be both strong and soft; guarded and open; brave and scared. How lucky Dina feels to know Ellie AND be known by her. Be loved by her. Isabela’s microexpressions blew me away here. We watch whatever unsureness she may have had melt away; we watch her fall deeper in love. And Ellie’s little smirk to Dina while singing “slowly learning that life is okay” because let’s be real, life has been FAR from okay for Ellie’s whole life. But in the three months since they lost Joel, Dina and Ellie have helped each other move forward closer to “okay.” THEY’RE SO IN LOVE IT MAKES MY TUMMY HURT!!!

Okay one more break in the Ellie and Dina show to talk about Isaac and his prisoner.

Jeffrey Wright blows out a match in The Last of Us episode 204

We need to talk about the Wolf in the room.

Valerie: I think Westworld trained me to be calm while Jeffrey Wright is talking because it didn’t even occur to me that he could be up to no good until the camera panned to that Seraphite on the ground. I appreciate the man’s dedication to his faith, and all I really took from this conversation is that the Wolves and the Seraphites have been stuck in an endless cycle of violence because they each think the other “broke the truce” and children on both sides keep getting killed. One thing I found interesting was the man saying plenty of Wolves have become Seraphites, but no Seraphites have ever become Wolves. Also that soft, sad-faced boy isn’t so soft anymore…

Nic: Whew, you were right about Isaac molding that rookie in his image. Listen, one thing about Jeffrey Wright, that man is gonna BODY a monologue. The way he casually slid “makes copper the inferior choice for interrogations” into a seemingly random story about cookware was unHINGED in the best way. As for the Seraphite being interrogated, dedicated to his faith sure is one way to put it; even while being tortured, he corrected Isaac’s use of the nickname “Scar” and maintained that She was watching over him. Not to get too personal on main, but it reminded me so much of being at my Baptist elementary school and having a full on panic over the hypothetical situation my teacher posed where someone would ask if I believed in Jesus and if I said no they would k*ll me. Ahem. ANYWAY.

Valerie: That’s funny because in Catholic school they made us read She Said Yes, a book eventually proven to be mostly lies, about a victim of the Columbine shooting, and told us that if someone asked us if we believed in God we should say yes even if we knew it meant they WOULD kill us and that lying to save our own lives would send us straight to hell. Religion is fun!

Dina and Ellie wait until nightfall and make their way to the WLF tower.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie and Dina lurk in the darkness plotting their next move

Clever girls.

From one kind of station to another, things go to shit fast.

Nic: These two are so good together with their scouting and strategizing, I’m OBSESSED! You know, in a previous recap I joked about the yellow school bus being a cheeky nod to the game, but there was another bus in this episode and I noticed the yellow painted numbers next to the door Ellie and Dina go through in the news station, so I’ve decided they’re doing this on purpose and I love it.

Valerie: I will never get sick of Ellie and Dina plotting and planning. They swiftly make it into the WLF tower and check the WLF bodies they find to see if they’re one of the Jackson Five — though they agree that all Wolves need to be taken down regardless. They’re starting to unlock the mystery of the Wolves vs. the Seraphites, or get caught in the middle. They find the WLF bodies hanged and disemboweled by Seraphites, then get hunted by Wolves, using their silent communication skills to make separate runs for it.

Nic: OMG not the Jackson Five! I’m screaming!

Valerie: I loved seeing Ellie use her training, wrapping her legs around that man’s head. I also loved that Dina saved her from that second man. Because again, not only are these girls tactical, but they’re SKILLED. Dina is so good with that gun!! She knows what she’s doing and it’s so badass to behold.

Nic: Yes! I have in my notes “okay Ellie with that Jiu Jitsu training!” That breath she let out before attacking him?! She was READY. This section in particular showcased the duality of Dina and Ellie’s youth and skill. They’re able to take down and escape from multiple men, but at the same time, there’s this little yelp Bella does when Ellie is surprised or overwhelmed by danger because as Dina knows, she sure is a badass, but she’s also 19 years old and still sometimes gets scared of this world.

It’s also interesting to me the way the show turns our preconceived notions of the Seraphites as victims on its head this week. When we first meet them in the woods, they seem like a peaceful group of people just doing their best with their hammers, but now we’ve heard about them perpetuating the cycle of violence with the WLF and we’ve seen the brutality with which they murder in The Prophet’s name. It’s not as simple as good guys vs. bad guys, I suppose.

While trying to avoid getting caught by the Wolves, a flare touches a mushroom tendril and alerts a horde to their presence so it’s time to RUN FOR OUR LIVES.

The Last of Us 204: Dina holds up five fingers while counting Infected and Ellie looks horrified

A good rule of thumb is, if you run out of fingers on one hand to count on, time to RUN.

How stressful was that???

Nic: How stressful was it?!?! I KNEW our girls were more than likely going to be okay AND YET my heart rate was through the dang roof. Those cordyceps tendrils are so terrifying because you never know if they’ll wake 10 infected or 100. Dina’s counting as she hears each infected get activated until there are too many to count remains one of my favorite details though!

Valerie: Yes! I LOVE that they established Dina’s counting thing early in the season as something she always does with Ellie while they’re out together, because it makes it that much more stressful as Dina counts one…two…three…and when she gets to five and still hears more, her and Ellie exchange “oh shit” looks. This whole chase scene was so stressful. Running through what looks like it was once a community of people killed in their subway cars, running on top of the subway cars, just nightmare after nightmare while being chased by another HORDE OF INFECTED. They’re so scary just one or two at a time, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING.

Nic: These hordes remain TOO FAST and TOO SMART and I hate them SO MUCH! However, I did get a good belly laugh at the infected getting stuck in that turnstile. That laughter was short-lived though because Dina and Ellie are about to put us through the emotional wringer.

Valerie: Ellie stuck her arm in front of Dina to take the bite without even thinking twice. She didn’t plan it, she didn’t hesitate, she just went for it. I know she knows she’s immune, but it was still quick thinking on her part, and she swiftly saved Dina’s life, not unlike Dina saved hers earlier. They’re a good match.

But Dina’s FACE. Isabela isn’t done with her incredible acting moments in this episode, because the look on her face when she looks at Ellie’s proffered arm before taking it so they can run more was devastating.

The Last of Us 204: Dina looks so sad and horrified

This is the face of someone who thinks they just watched their favorite person get sentenced to death.

And then it’s time for the gayest 20 minutes I’ve seen on television in a good long time. I’m not going to beat around the bush, and just break these theater scenes into three acts so we can discuss them without too much preamble.

The Last of Us 204: Dina holds up a gun, horrified, Ellie holds up her hands pleadingly

Being a hostage negotiator and a hostage at the same time is no easy feat!

Act I: Dina thinks she has to kill Ellie.

Valerie: First of all, this theater is beautiful. Great place to hide. Second of all, Dina’s deathgrip on that gun broke my whole heart. She doesn’t want to do it, it’s the last thing she wants to do, and she’s furious at Ellie for making her have to do it, but she WILL shoot Ellie if she has to, even through the tears and the shaking.

The QUICKNESS and sureness with which Ellie said, “I would die for you, I would,” before clarifying that this isn’t what this was hit me like a freight train. It was so earnest, so TRUE. Ellie has never said a truer thing in her life! She loves Dina so much.

Nic: The set dec crew on this show deserves all of their damn flowers because they did their big one with this theater. It’s STUNNIN’. It almost distracts from watching Dina slowly and disbelievingly take in Ellie running around to secure their surroundings as if (in her mind) the entire trajectory of their lives didn’t just shift. Both Bella and Isabela are incredible here as Ellie turns around and you can see her genuine shock of having a gun pointed in her face. Her little “the fuck are you doing?” before realizing what this looks like to Dina, whose grip on that gun is strong but shaky. That it looks like her best friend and crush thinks she just sacrificed her life for her. And the way Ellie so quickly explains that she would die for Dina as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world punched me in the gut. It’s like you said, that truth leapt out of her hoping that it would be enough.

Valerie: Again with Bella Ramsey and Isabela Merced acting their asses off. Ellie’s eyes never leave Dina’s as she puts her hands up and tries to convince her, knowing that one wrong move will get her killed by the woman she loves. Dina lowers the gun ever so slightly before raising it again, but with tears in her eyes. Ellie’s face when she says “A lot of times I wish this wasn’t true, but I’m going to wake up exactly as I am right now.” Dina’s fear keeping the gun trained on Ellie but her hope preventing her from pulling the trigger. I hope they both get an Emmy for this season, and this is not my usual hyperbolic award-throwing, I am dead serious when I say that.

Nic: You can go ahead and file “a lot of times I wish this wasn’t true” under “Lines That Knocked the Wind Out of Me.”

The Last of Us 204: Dina and Ellie snuggle

We have a little more Hard before we get to the Good but this is the overall vibe of this section of scenes.

Act II: Dina realizes she doesn’t have to kill Ellie, so she does the opposite of that.

Valerie: Talk about emotional whiplash. When this scene first starts, and all you can see is Dina’s interrogation light and her hand still gripping the gun — not the finger-alongside-the-gun move either, Dina’s finger is ON the trigger — and Ellie is just softly reassuring her?? So stressful. When Dina shuts off the light and she looks HARROWED?? Our girl has spent the night SUFFERING.

The Last of Us 204: Dina looks absolutely harrowed

HER FACE. HER SWEET, SAD FACE.

Nic: I’m sorry to prolong the moment we’ve all been waiting for, but I have to jump in to talk about that decision to show the barrel of the gun and the flashlight but not Dina’s face. We know Dina’s spent hours staring at Ellie ready to shoot at the first twitch, and Ellie’s barely awake before immediately reassuring her that she’s fine, that it was just the rain and she’s still her. And the fact that she continues to gently ask if she can show Dina the one secret she’s kept from almost everyone in her life, without being able to see her face and trusting that the Dina she knows and loves will hear her out?? YEET ME INTO THE SUN. Christ. Carry on!

Valerie: Dina takes one step toward Ellie, and another, and with it, acceptance of two truths: one, she’s pregnant, and probably should get that secret out there, maybe as an exchange for the secret Ellie was forced to share, maybe as a way to have nothing to hide before what she does next, which is POUNCE. The tension snaps and Dina springs into action and Ellie — who, in a way, has been waiting for this at least since New Year’s, if not several years — reciprocates in kind. Finally, finally, finally. It’s so desperate and raw and full of relief and need and love.

Nic: I really loved that Dina shared her truth with Ellie after Ellie shared her own. So that there would be no secrets between them when Dina finally does the thing she’s been waiting to do for so long. There’s desperation as she launches herself at Ellie, but there’s also an emotional release, on both of their parts to be honest, at finally letting those guards down and being their whole selves together. Just gorgeous, gorgeous work by everyone involved.

Valerie: And then they wake up spooning and smiling and give each other beef jerky kisses and it’s so cute and sweet and pure!! Ellie seems happy to not have to hide this part of her from Dina anymore, Dina seems happy to know it. Ellie asks “Why now?” and Dina says that she thought she lost Ellie, and with it, the future she realized she was hoping for, that always included her.

Nic: This entire episode wrecked me. Not to be dramatic, but there were several moments writing this recap when I had to take a break to have Feelings. This “morning after” scene hit the hardest though because it was SO DAMN CUTE I WANTED TO THROW UP. Ellie wakes up first and immediately smiles and gives Dina a little shoulder kiss once she realizes she wasn’t dreaming.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie kisses Dina on her shoulder as they cuddle

“With you I see new colors. And I’ll stay today until forever.” 🎶

Nic: They both just look so happy and content and AT EASE for the first time in, well, in probably three months. It’s like they both unclenched their jaw without realizing it was clenched. Or released a breath neither of them knew they were holding. They just…fit. Dina can’t stop smiling with her whole face, they both can’t chew their jerky fast enough so they can get back to smoochin’, it’s all just TOO MUCH for my fragile heart.

There are so many small moments that make their love feel raw and lived in; playing with each other’s hair, absentmindedly setting a hand on the other’s knee; moments that you don’t even think about because it’s so natural with a partner. So much of that is down to Bella Ramsey and Isabela Merced’s insane chemistry. They are giving such layered and nuanced performances, I echo your Emmy wishes.

The Last Of Us 204: Ellie and Dina smile into gentle kisses because they are SO IN LOVE

May love like this find us all and hit us like a freight train.

Valerie: I loved Dina’s speech about coming out to her mother, her mother saying “no,” and being too scared to go against that, even after she died, for too long. I jokingly gave Dina a hard time during the tent scene about there being no place for internalized biphobia in the apocalypse but her speech reminded me, this isn’t THAT far into the future and these teens might not know what Pride is but they do know homophobia. Seth reminded us of that. They were raised by people who lived in the world we know, and it takes longer than that to break these kinds of cycles.

Nic: Dina’s first experience with coming out was her mom shutting her down, so she locked that part of herself away until her feelings got too big to be contained. I also imagine that part of what drew Dina to Ellie was her confidence in who she was. I remember before coming out, feeling drawn to characters on shows who were out and proud. At first there was fear at the feelings those stories gave me, but that soon turned into intrigue and finally hope that one day I would get to live that life too. Dina watched Ellie date Kat, joked about her being “the other one” while probably wishing she could find the courage to tell Ellie how she felt. And it’s not that her feelings for Jesse weren’t real too, they just weren’t It™.

Valerie: I also loved Ellie’s comment, “I’m not brave, just obvious.” Some people don’t have the privilege of choosing when to come out, some people don’t get to choose who they tell and when, because living as their true selves means going outside the societal “norms” and being “clocked” wherever you go.

Then they go back to joyful kisses and it remains so cute and sweet and lovely.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie and Dina smile tangled up in each other on the floor

The fact that they didn’t even have a chemistry read before Isabela was cast is wild because THE CHEMISTRY IS CHEMISTRY-ING.

Valerie: They talk about how Dina knows she’s pregnant, When she’s sure that Dina is sure, Ellie says, “I’m gonna be a dad!’ and looks as proud as can be.

Nic: Yes! I loved that too. So many of the lines from this episode are still rattling around in my brain, but the two that made me laugh the hardest were from this scene right here: the aforementioned “I’m gonna be a dad!” and Dina’s “I don’t just piss on stuff.” I CAN’T with these two!

Valerie: Yes!! That whole conversation was SO good. I’m just obsessed with the fact that the way Ellie and Dina talk to each other didn’t change at all after they slept together, just the way they touch each other did. They were already so comfortable with each other, this was just a natural next step they’d been putting off too long.

The Last of Us 204: Ellie and Dina stand on a rooftop, holding hands, ready to face what's next together

“We carry on through the storm, tired soldiers in this war. Remember what we’re fighting for. Meet me on the battlefield. Even on the darkest night, I will be your sword and shield, your camouflage, and you will be mine.” 🎶

Act III: The stolen WLF walkie goes off and Ellie and Dina hear sounds of explosions so they head to the roof to see what’s what.

Nic: Ah yes, that’s right. We’re still on a mission! That walkie jolted Dina and Ellie (and me, if I’m being honest) right out of their romantic bubble and back onto the search for Abby. Because among the garbled updates they make out the name Nora, one of the names Dina clocked from That Day. When they get up to the roof and see the explosions in the distance, I won’t lie, I was concerned. But I also loved that while Ellie gave Dina the option to stay, she didn’t fight her when Dina insisted on continuing on together.

Valerie: Hey, don’t love that it looks like they have to cross a battlefield to get to the building that Nora is supposedly in! But at least they have a lead and a plan and a stolen walkie. They’re on their way to finding Abby & Co. The scene on the roof was so great. Ellie giving Dina an out, not telling her what to do, not begging her to stay, not infantilizing her now that she’s pregnant. Just acknowledging that she knows things are different, asking her to just consider the possibility of staying behind. And Dina genuinely considering it, but ultimately deciding to stay by Ellie’s side. So good, and SO GAY.

One thing I’ve noticed in my decade-plus of writing about queer television is that VERY often on TV shows where the premise of the show isn’t queer, a queer love scene is often butted up against or in a montage with or sandwiched between hetero love scenes. A queer kiss will cut to a straight kiss, a queer date will cut to post-coital straights. It’s almost like the show going “don’t worry audience, we’re not a GAY SHOW, we just have these two gay characters LOOK AT THE STRAIGHTS NOW!” It doesn’t happen in every show, or with every kiss, but it happens often enough that I noticed the pattern. Not The Last of Us, though! Ellie and Dina spend the entire second half of this episode alone together, and there are no other romantic pairings present in this episode at all. This episode was still vital to the plot of the season; it wasn’t a one-off or a Very Special Gay Episode, it built on what was already there and set us on our way forward. And also it was very gay. And I love that for us! And for them! In a show where happiness is fleeting because there are so many (SO MANY) dangers afoot, it’s nice to see the queer gals being silly and flirty and HAPPY for a little while. They’ve always been on the same page, fighting the same fight, but now that everything is out in the open, they can go forward hand in hand. Together.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Valerie Anne

Valerie Anne (she/they) a TV-loving, video-game-playing nerd who loves reading, watching, and writing about stories in all forms. While having a penchant for sci-fi, Valerie will watch anything that promises a good story, and especially if that good story is queer.

Valerie has written 638 articles for us.

Nic

Nic is a Senior Product Manager at a major Publisher and lives in Astoria, NY. She is way too attached to queer fictional characters and maintains that buying books and reading books are two very different hobbies. When she's not consuming every form of fiction, you can find her dropping it low on the dance floor. You can find Nic on twitter and instagram.

Nic has written 89 articles for us.

10 Comments

  1. I just wanna remind you that the series timeline is different from the game. The outbreak happens in 2003. Don’t ask, dont tell was in effect and Netherlands was the sole country in the whole wide world where same sex marriages were legal (yes even Canada waited until 2005). They didn’t have any of that progress. they didn’t have internet and social media where they can meet other queer people. And both Dina and Ellie born years after the outbreak. It’s not that they were too young to remember pride parades, they don’t even know what it is. Personally, I love they really try to show us what would have happened if we didn’t have any of that progress

    • That’s a great point – Nic actually brought that up to me right before we submitted this but we had already written so much we didn’t think we should add more haha but it’s so true!! I love these added details.

      • Please write more about all of this? Having queer writers write about authentic queer characters is something I can never get enough of. I’d read and savor every word of these recaps and discussions no matter how long they are! My little lesbian heart can’t take it but still wants more!

    • I totally agree with you! It’s something Neil and Craig have talked on the official podcast as well about showing what society would look like had progress not been made. It’s fascinating!

      • I really enjoy the official podcast. I never thought I’d recommend a podcast where three men talk about a show but here we are 😄

  2. there was something so idk, authentically queer with the morning after scene and ik there’s a lot of debate about the queer vs straight actors playing queer characters but i rly do think that having two queer actors added something that rly elevated those scene.

  3. How.are.these.two.so.in.LOVE?!

    I can’t with them. It made me smile through most of the episode!

    It’s good they know their respective truths now. It’s out early, and did not create any conflict between them here.

    Just so refreshing to watch.

    Subtle storytelling about how one can be gone so quickly. That guitar scene in the shop…….. Those quiet moments were already moving in the game, and still are in the show. Oof.

    Also learning about the other players in a violent, violent world. Isaac was scary!

    Right, will have that song stuck in my head now 😅

    Thx for recapping.

  4. As someone who played the games, I LOVE the change from the “weed” scene to the theater.

    It was beautiful watching over this season so far how Ellie is so deep in love with Dina, and Dina is scared, thinking there will be another day for Ellie to be the one to make the first move. It’s very clear that she was fishing and pushing for Ellie to be the one to tell her that she loves her and needs her, but show Ellie isn’t that confident or sure. The entirety of episode 4 was full of emotion and close calls. When Dina thinks she lost Ellie forever, she can’t hold it back any longer, and makes the move she’s been wanting for years. Ellie is her one, her forever, and that forever was threatened. If this was it, she was making sure Ellie knew how much she loved her and that it’s been her for a long time.

    She’s never leaving Ellie’s side. She can’t, her heart won’t let her. I’m convinced she was “cafeteria” girl, staring at Ellie in S1 and then scurrying away. She’s loved Ellie from first look. The fact that both Bella and Isabella are queer makes their love story even more perfect. 10/10.

  5. Okay, so… This is one of, if not the best, episodes of television I have ever seen. If Bella Ramsey and Isabela Merced do not get official recognition for their efforts, I might die.

    I haven’t played the games, and I have tried to avoid learning about the original plot of the game as best I could, so most of what has happened in both seasons has been a surprise for me. I was unable to shield myself from finding out about Joel’s death and Dina’s character before this season began, so I did go into it with some preconceived ideas. Of course, that means the love story part wasn’t a surprise to me, but OHMYGOD, I never imagined what the creators would make of it would be so, so good. I’m 38, but watching this episode, I felt like I was a teenager again. I was an Ellie in the 2000s, an obvious and oblivious teenage lesbian, awkward and boyish. Watching Bella’s version of Ellie, I saw myself and I felt feelings I haven’t felt in a long, long time. The actors did such a great job of embodying those characters. It was truly stunning. I could watch it on a loop and never get sick of it.

    I hope that the straight audience can appreciate what the show has done here, how well they captured a core queer experience. Ellie and Dina’s circumstances may be fantastical, but the experience of falling in love with someone of the same sex, and not only being afraid that they never love you back, but also being afraid of societal repercussions, was so beautiful and raw and heartbreakingly ubiquitous. To have this essential experience of our lives, portrayed in this beautiful way for a mainstream audience, is something that is beyond my ability with words.

  6. this episode was so stressful!! I loved it because of the beautiful Ellie/Dina storyline but my face was contorted into pure terror the whole subway scene.

    I know it’s probably not true to the game but I want so bad for Ellie to decide that a beautiful future of being a dad to all of their kid is worth just turning around from this disaster mission and go back home to Jackson!! I’m dying for Ellie to decide that taking care of your partner and family is worth giving up your vengeance mission for. She has something to live for!!

Comments are closed.

I Haven’t Orgasmed During Sex in Five Years and It’s Really Okay

If advice columns, porn, and our own insecurities have taught us anything, it’s that orgasms are the objective of partnered sex. Our sexual lexicon is replete with references to the primacy of orgasm: climax, peak, money shot, Big O, release, satisfaction, etcetera. Despite the efforts of friends and writers to espouse the importance of foreplay and mood, it’s hard to mentally divorce sex from orgasm.

This orgasm-centric mindset applied to sex is great for media that conforms to the three-act structure of storytelling. Porn, erotica, and even our fantasies like to envision a goal analogous to a ‘climax’. We know that idealized fantasies don’t always reflect reality in other spheres, so why shouldn’t it apply here? Unfortunately, the pro-orgasm mindset isn’t so great for people though. People like those of us who can’t realistically expect an orgasm during sex. And our partners who are losing their minds over it.

Five years of being completely fine

I haven’t had an orgasm due to a partner’s ministrations for five years. I don’t keep a scorecard, but it comes to mind whenever I have sex with someone new. When I meet a new partner, we always share the enthusiasm and excitement of sleeping with someone new and hot. The energy is palpably real. I temper that fresh energy with a clutch of important discussions about boundaries and expectations. A recent addition to those conversations is the topic of how little I orgasm and how little it matters to me.

Orgasms never came (hah) easily to me. After learning about masturbation in my teens, I promptly gave myself the customary death grip syndrome that so many other teens get. I didn’t realize it at the time, but my rapidly developing expertise in giving myself orgasms was salting the earth for my future partners. My first, fumbling forays into sex were marked by many disappointments, chief of which was the total lack of orgasms. For everyone involved. I took a direct lesson about the profound lack of educational value in the porn I consumed.

Through practice with many supportive partners, I resolved a lot of these difficulties. For a few years, orgasms in partnered sex were a regular occurrence for me and my lovers. This came to a gentle end when I transitioned and shuffled testosterone out in favor of its feminine counterpart. For the endocrinologically unfamiliar, a whole-body dose of estrogen is not ideal for erectile function. In my body, this included reaching that elusive O.

That’s how I joined the ranks of people who need to explain to new partners that they don’t orgasm much. It wasn’t some kind of great tragedy, either. Mine was a side effect of hormonal medication. I’m not the first woman to feel a drastic change in sexual sensation because of medication. A gradual decrease (or gain!) in orgasms isn’t uncommon. It’s frequently age or hormone-related. For some people, it’s the result of changing anatomy or psychology. I came to terms with mine quickly, probably because I was getting so much other joy from the estrogen that this was a footnote to me.

Some explanations are still due

Sadly, my partners don’t always share my comfort with this situation. Whether they’re used to lovers who orgasm easily or, worse, they’ve attached some ego to their ability to ‘please’ a partner, the topic usually evokes more discomfort in others than myself. That small disappointment is usually preferable to the wounded pride and expectations that would result later when I’m on the receiving end of the dreaded ‘are you getting close?’ treatment.

Just as I’ve gotten better about how I approach this topic with new people, I’ve also learned to work with my partners. The desire to bring me to a proverbial climax is positive and well-intentioned. I’ve just had to redirect that energy into more attainable goals. Guiding their willing hands and lips to parts of my body in greater need. Bringing my lovers along for the process, not the conclusion.

While writing this, I’ve met a new conclusion with pride: I’m so unconcerned with the prospect of my orgasm that I’m more interested in allaying my partners’ fears about it than looking for something I know isn’t there. I’m confident that if I went searching for this elusive thing, the stress of the search will only lead it further away. It’s better to enjoy what I do have.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!

Summer Tao

Summer Tao is a South Africa based writer. She has a fondness for queer relationships, sexuality and news. Her love for plush cats, and video games is only exceeded by the joy of being her bright, transgender self

Summer has written 76 articles for us.

2 Comments

Comments are closed.

‘Andor’ Is Like ‘The Americans’ in Space

I spent most of the 2010s absolutely enraptured with FX’s Cold War domestic espionage thriller, The Americans. The mixing of marital drama with geopolitical maneuvering, scheming, plots within plots, and some of the best wigs to ever grace the screen kept me riveted for six breathless seasons. (To this day I still can’t hear U2’s “With or Without You” without bursting into tears.) In the seven years since we said goodbye to the Jennings family and their many assets and handlers, I’ve felt starved of good espionage television. I love a spy drama; few genres are quite as adept at melding character drama with nail biting tension.

Andor has been branded as an espionage series since day one, but it’s spent most of its time hopping between various other thriller subgenres (heist, jail break, fugitive, political intrigue, etc.). The wiretapping, secret identities, coded messages, and moles have typically played out in the margins of Andor’s bigger, flashier plotlines, and it’s all been so good that I haven’t really minded. But, with this season’s second three-episode arc, Tony Gilroy and episodic writer Beau Willimon have finally delivered on all the spycraft and paranoia that I could ask for. This is easily one of Andor’s least flashy story arcs. We don’t culminate into a third episode climax filled with starfighter dogfights, exploding speeders, or rousing prison riots, but instead maintain a steady drumbeat of tension as secrets are almost exposed and the galaxy’s major players decide the fates of entire planets from the shadows. It’s the most any show has felt like The Americans since 2018. That is, without the wigs. We could always do with more wigs.

A year has passed since Cassian, Bix, and Wilmon fled their lives as refugees on Mina-Rau. Now, the three have settled into their roles as agents in Luthen Rael’s secret war against the Empire. In between missions, Cassian and Bix spend their days hiding out together in a safe house on the galactic capital of Coruscant. It’s the closest the two have ever gotten to being a real couple, but Bix’s lingering trauma from her torture at the hands of the Empire’s interrogator, Dr. Gorst, still haunts her nights. As Bix’s mental health deteriorates and she turns towards narcotics to help her sleep, Cassian demands that Luthen pull her from field missions and give her time to heal.

Unfortunately, The Empire isn’t going to rest. As revealed in last week’s story arc, Death Star project manager Orson Krennic plans to strip mine the wealthy silk-farming world of Ghorman (basically a space France that has an economy entirely dependent on spider webs and whose buildings have the architectural aesthetics of an Italian coffee shop) for resources necessary for the construction of the infamous super weapon. The issue is that Ghorman is too much of a major player in galactic society for the Empire to functionally strip for parts without causing widespread uproar and discontent. No, the galactic populace needs to willingly look away as a populated planet is razed to the ground. While the Imperial propaganda machine is already well at work portraying the Ghroman people as snobbish and uppity, Dedra Meero, our resident fascist girlboss played by Denise Gough, and her bootlicking boyfriend, Syril Karn (Kyle Soller), have set their sights on infiltrating the planet’s fledgling resistance movement and setting them up for the Empire’s own ends.

If there has been a singular thesis to Andor’s second thesis so far, it’s that building an effective and unified resistance movement is a herculean task when faced with the overwhelming might of a fascist state. While last week’s arc showcased how leftwing political factions are prone to self-destructive infighting, Gilroy turns his sights this week onto how both paranoia and naivete are equally prevalent and corrosive threats to resistance movements. The Ghorman Front have genuine grievances with the Empire, but their status as a wealthy upper-class society has left them unprepared to deal with the realities of rebellion. Dedra Meero and Syril Karn are able to deceive their way into the Front’s ranks with relative ease and in the process manipulate their actions to meet the Empire’s agenda. It takes Cassian only a single meeting with Ghorman operatives to clock that its ranks are filled with well-meaning but dangerously underprepared recruits. In contrast, Wilmon’s dealings with Saw Gerrera (Forest Whitaker reprising his role from Rogue One) and his Partisans showcase another rebel sect that has been driven into a constant state of ruthless paranoia and manipulation. The Partisans are quick to kill anyone whose motives or allegiances feel even slightly questionable and are staunchly resistant to collaborating with other rebel cells. Gerrera himself has become so detached from reality after decades of armed conflict with the Empire that he’s developed an addiction to huffing gas fumes. The state of the rebellion is dire and scattered.

Only Luthen’s operations seem to pose any real chance of success, but his decentralized and utilitarian approach to his agents and assets carries its own problems. While some agents like Cassian have adapted well to the dangers and demands of a life fighting against the Empire (it’s a delight getting to see him easily slip into the persona of an up and coming fashion designer during his mission to Ghorman), others like Bix have reached mental and physical breaking points or are otherwise relegated to isolated and lonely lives separated from their loved ones like Vel and Cinta (more on them later). Even Mon Mothma has been finding it harder and harder to advocate for the rebellion’s need in the Senate as more and more elected officials shy away from open resistance lest they or their constituents face the consequences of a scorned Emperor. Luthen’s operation may be the most disciplined and produce the best results, but a breaking point is fast approaching. Ghorman alone is a powder keg waiting to explode and any number of our ensemble could find themselves caught in the blast radius.

Gays in Space

Damn, this week was a fucking roller coaster for our space gays. After sitting out “Ever Been to Ghorman?” and “I Have Friends Everywhere,” I was pleasantly surprised to see Vel Sartha and her starcrossed murder lover Cinta Kaz make an early appearance in this week’s final episode, “What a Festive Evening.” For the first time in over a year, the two of them have been assigned to the same mission, overseeing the fledgling Ghorman Front’s first real act of rebellion against the Imperial occupation.

But, before Vel and Cinta get to work, the two meet for a tense cup of Ghorman tea (coffee? caf?) and have the conversation they’ve been avoiding all season. Cinta arrives a weary and battered version of her normally steely self. The past year of distance has been tough for her, and her tireless crusade against the Empire has begun to wear her down. Vel’s relief at finally getting to talk to the woman she loves quickly shifts from concern at Cinta’s exhausted state to hurt and regret. Cinta was lonely, suffering and, even then, never reached out to her partner for help. Their quiet war continues to drive a wedge between them and, even as the two take a step towards reconciliation, there’s an unmistakable mood of melancholy and pain. It’s taken Cinta reaching a breaking point for her to realize her personal priorities and the harm and hurt will be hard to undo.

Even still, Cinta and Vel get a private moment to themselves before their mission with the Ghorman Front gets going. Tender, reassuring caresses evolve into quiet but eventually passionate and eager kisses before our camera suggestively fades to black. Yes, there was heavily implied lesbian sex in Star Wars. I never thought we’d see the day, but it’s here. The gays have finally taken the Galaxy Far, Far Away.

And, sure, The Rise of Skywalker will always have the dubious honor of depicting the first lesbian kiss in Star Wars, but Andor deserves recognition for not only giving us a gay makeout with a hundred times more desire and chemistry but also for having it occur between two women who are actually nuanced, multifaceted characters in a complex but committed relationship.

If only that was all I had to say about our rebelesbians this week. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could just bask in the afterglow of queer space love for just a little? This is Andor though, a series about the very harsh realities of fighting back against authoritarian governments. Our heroes are each burdened by sacrifice, trauma, and tragedy. You don’t enter into a secret war and emerge unscathed. Andor doesn’t do clean reconciliations and hopeful futures. Hell, its title character’s ultimate fate is to die a fiery death via Death Star in the final moments of Rogue One. The only principal cast member we know for sure doesn’t bite it before the end of the series (or the movie it functionally serves as a prequel for) is Mon Mothma, a member of the Imperial Senate and arguably the wealthiest and most politically influential character in the series. All of this to say: I should’ve been prepared for the worst. I wasn’t.

Cinta dies.

The Ghorman Front’s carefully planned heist of an Imperial weapons convoy goes south. Despite Vel and Cinta’s repeated warnings to come to the mission unarmed, an overeager would-be rebel sneaks a blaster under his coat and pulls it out during an altercation with a nosy passerby. The gun goes off, blaster bolts zing through the night and Cinta is hit, dying a near instant death from friendly fire. It’s about as random and unjust a death possible, and it further cements the arc’s depiction of the Ghorman Front as a rebel cell whose ranks are filled with comparatively privileged individuals playing out a political revolutionary fantasy. The stakes of their rebellion feel abstract and in the process, those who have actually dedicated their lives to the cause are harmed. Vel’s angry chastising of Cinta’s murderer, who quickly devolves into a sobbing wreck when faced with the consequences of his actions, does little to lessen the blow. Cinta’s death stings as much as it should.

That being said, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed by this development. Does it make thematic sense that Cinta is killed in a senseless act of violence? Yes. It’s about the most Andor storytelling move imaginable, and it’s handled with the weight and tragedy it deserves. But, damn does it suck that we’ve lost one of the most prominent on-screen queer characters in Star Wars in the same episode that gave us such a thoughtful portrayal of a lesbian relationship. Does it still count as Burying Your Gays if the storytelling feels painfully appropriate? Fuck. I don’t know. I’m sad.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Nic Anstett

Nic Anstett is a writer from Baltimore, MD who specializes in the bizarre, spectacular, and queer. She is a graduate from the Clarion Science Fiction and Fantasy Workshop, University of Oregon’s MFA program, and the Tin House Summer Workshop where she was a 2021 Scholar. Her work is published and forthcoming in Witness Magazine, Passages North, North American Review, Lightspeed, Bat City Review, Sycamore Review, and elsewhere. She currently lives in Annapolis, MD with her girlfriend and is at work on a collection of short stories and maybe a novel.

Nic has written 14 articles for us.

2 Comments

  2. They gave them the Lexa treatment; happy moment immediately followed by death. Well done Andor….

Comments are closed.

The Top Five Jedi in ‘Revenge of the Sith’ Ranked by Lesbian Vibes

The 20th anniversary theatrical re-release of Star Wars: Episode III — Revenge of the Sith has led many to re-examine the final film in George Lucas’ prequel trilogy. For me, that meant realizing how many of the background Jedi look like lesbians.

Like any Star Wars movie, Revenge of the Sith contains aliens who exist only for a few seconds of screentime, yet tantalize the imagination with their eye-catching designs. Much like Boba Fett and various Mos Eisley Cantina critters, cult favorite Sith characters didn’t need discernible personalities or even dialogue to cultivate fanbases. While the only prominent woman in the cast, Padme Amidala, exists to give birth and die, gaze into the background of any scene set at the Jedi Temple and you’ll spy an assortment of lady Jedi.

None of them have on-screen names or dialogue, granted. However, for many Star Wars fans, just these characters existing with their evocative costumes and auras cemented them as legends. Despite all the hooting and hollering about “lesbian space witches” ruining modern Star Wars media, queer women vibes run deep in Star Wars. Just look at the BDE (big dyke energy) exuded by these Revenge of the Sith Jedi warriors.

One hates to pit bad bitches against each other. However, in honor of May the 4th and Sith returning to the silver screen, let’s rank these Jedi by their lesbian vibes. Some are mildly lesbian, while others are as gay as Chappell Roan doing a Tracy Chapman cover. May the Force and queer women vibes be with you.

5. Jocasta Nu

Jocasta talks to Obi Wan in Attack of the Clones

Jocasta Nu doesn’t technically appear on-screen in Revenge of the Sith. However, this Attack of the Clones character was alive and well during the events of Sith (and even canonically survived after Anakin turned to Darth Vader). This Jedi master-turned-archivist’s resilience merits her a place on this list, especially since her whole occupation couldn’t be gayer. What screams “lesbian” more than taking care of books? Even in a galaxy far, far away, lesbian librarians clearly endure. Plus, her no-nonsense attitude towards Obi-Wan exudes the exact same energy as an experienced lesbian who’s seen so much that she has no more patience for cishet foolishness. She must exist at the bottom of this list since she didn’t make it on-screen in Sith, but Nu still flourishes as another lady Jedi wielding obvious lesbian-coded tendencies.

4. Stass Allie

Stass Allie poses with a green light saber for Revenge of the Sith

Poor Stass Allie. Her Revenge of the Sith screen time largely concerns her loyal clone troopers dispatching Allie while she’s riding a speeder. Order 66 truly spared nobody. There’s not much to go on with this character, whose appearances in canonical Star Wars media are so limited that she didn’t even appear in the Clone Wars cartoon (which somehow found time for a Greedo cameo). However, it’s worth mentioning her lightsaber is green. That hue’s queer community importance dates back to the days of Oscar Wilde.

Plus, lesbians so often vanish in pop culture and the real world. Maybe Stass Allie’s absence from so much non-movie Star Wars media compared to other Jedi like Quinlan Vos or Kit Fisto actually makes her gayer. If only she were explicitly heterosexual, maybe Stass Allie would’ve had her own Disney+ program!

3. Luminara Unduli

A close up of Luminara Unduli in Revenge of the Sith

Speaking of the gayest color, Luminara Unduli, much like Kermit the Frog and Elphaba, is a green-skinned icon. But even more noteworthy is how much black colors define Unduli’s wardrobe. Her green lightsaber is clutched within fingers dotted in black nail polish and black makeup lingers around her eyes. This can indicate only one thing…Luminara Unduli is a gay goth icon. One wonders why George Lucas cut out inevitable sequences of Unduli slicing up battle droids while listening to The Black Belles and My Chemical Romance.

Luminara Unduli’s aura also screams of what the LOTL blog once dubbed “The Alpha.” Like Shane McCutcheon, Unduli is “unnervingly confident, impossible to talk to and can make a grown woman stutter just by looking through you.” Do not mess with her. She has both The Force and Evanescence by her side.

2. Shaak Ti

Deleted scene of Shaak Ti getting killed by Grievous in Revenge of the Sith

Shaak Ti’s Revenge of the Sith screen time only exists in one brief shot. However, that’s primarily because she was supposed to die in not one but TWO different deleted scenes. In the first of these sequences, poor Ti would perish at the hands of General Grievous. Another scene had Anakin Skywalker slaughter her during his Jedi Temple massacre. In the tradition of the “bury your gays” trope, Shaak Ti must be really gay if she was almost killed TWICE.

The Star Wars saga just hates to see a bad bitch succeed, clearly. It isn’t just dying that renders this Togruta an obvious queer icon. There’s also her personality that should resonate as incredibly familiar to any lesbian. Various Star Wars media defined Ti as exuding kindness to all creatures. This included Clone Troopers she was instructed to see as disposable cannon fodder. In other words, Shaak Ti was the “mother figure” that inevitably crops up in any lesbian friend group. Shaak Ti is that one dyke who is always the best at organizing things or has some aspirin in her purse when you need it. Constantly dying sent off some gay-coded signals, but exuding unity for all aliens and species, that’s what really gives her lesbian energy.

1. Aayla Secura

Aayla Secura in a revealing outfit right before her death scene

Let’s face it: Aayla Secura’s default midriff baring outfit 100% existed for the cishet male gaze. For the longest time in “nerd” properties, the default outfit designs for women tended to be on the busty, revealing side (see also: Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn’s Arkham Asylum outfits versus all the male villain attire in that video game). But just because that was the starting inspiration for Secura’s costume doesn’t mean that has to solely define this character. My far, far away galaxy-brained explanation for Secura’s appearance: She’s a lesbian and she’s a trans woman.

Is this canon in Star Wars media? Absolutely not. However, do you know how many eye-roll-worthy fan speculations were made about Boba Fett or Darth Maul’s backstories back in the day? Why can’t Secura be a trans lesbian in our minds? After all, Secura wears revealing outfits to flaunt a body deemed “improper” and “grotesque” by the state. Wearing her scantily clad costume while leading the final battles of the Clone Wars is a proud embracing of her physical form, not to mention a daring subversion of what “proper” Jedi warriors “should” look like. The Force materializes in aliens and creatures of all kinds across the galaxy. Why can’t Jedi outfits and gender identity have similar dexterity?

She’s basically the Laverne Cox of the Jedi Council circa. 19 BBY (Before Battle of Yavin), a glorious, gorgeous beacon of light reaffirming the beauty of trans/Twi’lek women. Also Secura’s Clone Wars appearances confirmed that this Jedi warrior spoke in a French accent which, bonjooooour, do you know how often lesbian movies are French? A lot. Perhaps on the surface, Aayla Secura just looks like yet another example of Twi’lek women wearing as few clothes as possible in Star Wars media. But look a little closer and it becomes clear that this iconic warrior is a blue-skinned trans lesbian ready to slay. (Literally.)

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Lisa Laman

Lisa Laman is a life-long movie fan, writer, and Rotten Tomatoes-approved critic located both on the autism spectrum and in Texas. Given that her first word was "Disney", Lisa Laman was "doomed" from the start to be a film geek! In addition to writing feature columns and reviews for Collider, her byline has been seen in outlets like Polygon, The Mary Sue, Fangoria, The Spool, and ScarleTeen. She has also presented original essays related to the world of cinema at multiple academic conferences, been a featured guest on a BBC podcast, and interviewed artists ranging from Anna Kerrigan to Mark Wahlberg. When she isn’t writing, Lisa loves karaoke, chips & queso, and rambling about Carly Rae Jepsen with friends.

Lisa has written 19 articles for us.

2 Comments

  1. so true. as soon as you said/wrote/i read “Aayla Secura is a trans woman” my mind immediately filled with all the trans women friends and community members who ALSO wear default middrift baring outfits. — representation!

    also damn, these hotties are either Black or have non-white features, adding a doubly hurtful layer re: their (mis)treatment.

    can you Autostraddle authors create the fan fic where these baddies slay instead of get slayed? i want to see them on my screen, not the fugly mugly men!!

    mahalo thank you for this article, it was fun bc fk george lucas and disney’s racism and misogyny.

  2. Great article! The lesbian vibes ranking of Jedi in Revenge of the Sith is spot-on. Obi-Wan at #1 makes perfect sense with that iconic “Hello there” energy. Looking forward to more queer Star Wars content!

Comments are closed.

Quiz: What Lesbian Gemstone Are You?

I cannot believe it has taken me this long to do a rock-themed quiz! I am, after all, a certified lover/collector of Cool Rocks. In fact, I love cool rocks so much that my wife proposed to me with a ring inside of a cool rock instead of in a boring little box! Whether you too love cool rocks or are just looking to briefly escape the horrors by taking a personality quiz online, it’s time to find out what lesbian gemstone you are!!!! Neat!

What Lesbian Gemstone Are You?

What best fits a description of your vibe in the group chat?(Required)
What’s a pet peeve of yours?(Required)
What are you known for?(Required)
Pick a seltzer flavor:(Required)
What’s a quality you’d find attractive in someone?(Required)
Pick a gay podcast:(Required)
What scares you the most?(Required)
What hurts the most?(Required)
Omg I’m not sure why this quiz turned into such a bummer okay let’s pick the energy back up. Choose a cake:(Required)
Pick a fruit emoji:(Required)
What do you wish you were doing right now?(Required)
Pick a bird:(Required)

This site is protected by reCAPTCHA and the Google Privacy Policy and Terms of Service apply.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!
Related:

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya

Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya is the managing editor of Autostraddle and a lesbian writer of essays, fiction, and pop culture criticism living in Orlando. She is the former managing editor of TriQuarterly, and her short stories appear in McSweeney's Quarterly Concern, Joyland, Catapult, The Offing, The Rumpus, Cake Zine, and more. Some of her pop culture writing can be found at The A.V. Club, Vulture, The Cut, and others. When she is not writing, editing, or reading, she is probably playing tennis. You can follow her on Twitter or Instagram and learn more about her work on her website.

Kayla has written 1020 articles for us.

4 Comments

  1. came here to comment that i CRIED reading your “im a cool rock lesbian” proposal story article.

    also im an emerald. facts.

  4. It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have rocks that big.

Comments are closed.