10 Reasons Why Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne Are Already The Gayest Couple Ever

Bisexual actress Michelle Rodriguez and British fashion model Cara Delevingne have been dating for approximately six weeks and have already far exceeded my wildest expectations for the first celebrity romance I’ve cared about since SamRo/Lilo (RIP). In addition to inspiring me to set up my first-ever “google alert,” Michelle and Cara have enjoyed a whirlwind love affair filled with fancy fashions, sexy faces and inspirational moments. Furthermore, insofar as I am declaring “lesbian” an adjective describing a romantic relationship involving two women for the purposes of this post, they’re becoming the most lesbianish couple of all time. Let’s discuss why that is.


 

10. They’re Spending 99% Of Their Time Together

Oooo let's do that thing where we say 'I love you' to each other at the exact same time okay are you ready oh my god OKAY I LOVE YOU

Oooo let’s do that thing where we say ‘I love you’ to each other at the exact same time okay are you ready oh my god OKAY I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OMMGMGG YOU SAID IT AT THE SAME TIME

Seriously, they spent like three hours apart the other night and it made national news. “They’re really happy and loved-up, and spending as much time together as possible,” said a friend. “They’re also forever texting and messaging one another.” Mhm. That photo above is at Cara’s show in Milan on Thursday night, which the couple flew to in a private jet, along with Cara’s fancy family. Back at the start of the month, The Mirror noted that “they have spent the past two weeks holed up at the Covent Garden Hotel, but will soon be off to US star Michelle’s home in Venice Beach, Los Angeles.” They even got injected with vitamins intravenously while holding hands. Probably while listening to “Blood and Fire.”


9. They’re Dressing Super Matchy…

If we get home within the next 20 minutes we can watch at least two episodes of Battlestar before passing out in our underpants

If we get home within the next 20 minutes we can watch at least two episodes of Battlestar before we fall asleep in each other’s laps


8. …And Sometimes They’re Not Even Wearing Pants

Sorry it's just that it's after Labor Day and we had to do a quick switcharoo

Sorry it’s just that we realized it’s after Labor Day and we had to do a quick switcharoo

Two nights ago, Michelle Rodriguez and Cara Delevingne were spotted entering a limousine. Later, after an unspecified but undoubtedly sensual period of time, the two departed the limo. At this point, Michelle was no longer wearing pants, which we all know is an ancient lesbian ritual. It has been so since 1929, when Virginia Woolf and Vita Sackville-West were seen entering Virginia’s 1927 Singer Senior wearing trousers, and when the couple emerged, Vita was gripping Virginia’s trousers in her poetic fist, sweaty with love and longing. True story.


7. They’re Merging Career Aspirations

Hey bra we're totally gonna kick ass at this Star Wars: The Lesbians Strike Back audition

Hey bra we’re totally gonna kick ass at this Star Wars: The Lesbians Strike Back audition

Cara’s an enormously popular model of the moment — ranked number 5 on Models.com’s Top 50 Models, winning Model of the Year at the British Fashion Awards, named by the Evening Standard as one of London’s Most Influential People and currently serving as the face of Mulberry’s 2014 campaign. She’s appeared on the covers of Vogue UK, Vogue Korea, i-D and Jalouse and has walked for Jason Wu, Moschino, Oscar de la Renta, Burberry, Stella McCartney, Chanel and Dolce & Gabbanna. She’s been the face of DKNY, H&M’s 2011 Authentic Collection, Chanel’s Resort 2013 and Burberry’s Beauty.

But now Cara’s itching to do more acting — specifically, the kind of acting her lady-love is known for, telling the press at the Elle Style Awards, “I’d love to do action roles. I want to do parts I really have time to research and get into — stuff with real meaning, not stupid blonde girls that get killed halfway through. I hate that kind of s**t. I’m not just a model, guys. Give me something I can work with.”


 

6. They’re Already Exchanging “I Love Yous”

The lick of love

See? No LSD!

“I love her, she’s great,” says Cara. Granted that statement was followed up with “She’s a very good friend of mine — she’s wonderful,” but I think we can all read/invent/misinterpret the subtext here. I assume Michelle’s saying “I love you” back, because otherwise they’d both explode. That’s a rule of Lesbian Physics invented by 19th century Russian mathematician Sonja Kovalevsky.


5. Michelle is 14 Years Older Than Cara

Fuck why won't Cara look at me I'm giving such good cougar face right now

Fuck why won’t Cara look at me I’m giving such good Cougar face right now

Ladies who love ladies are especially prone to loving ladies who are older than them. It’s a Scientific Fact.


 

4. They Love Cats and Bikes

Sweetie you know what the ultimate tribute would be? Naming it Dana Fairbanks.

Sweetie you know what the ultimate tribute would be? Naming it Dana Fairbanks.

Bykes To Watch Out For

Bykes To Watch Out For


 

3. Animal Onesies

Long day at the Furries Convention

Hey babe have you ever felt the soft touch of a finger puppet in your anus


 

2. Uncle Frank Still Can’t Say The Word “Girlfriend”

bffffff

Yeah she’s the kind of BFF who also butters my muffin

E! is doing that thing your parents did before they were willing to accept that your “roommate” literally shared your room because she actually slept in your bed, spooning and scissoring, every night, because she is YOUR GIRLFRIEND JUST LIKE YOU SAID. Despite Michelle confirming the relationship and all evidence to the contrary, this E! piece from yesterday refers to Michelle as Cara’s “BFF” in the title and later writes, “Delevingne was all smiles while chatting with her BFF.” Later, they whip out a “Rodriguez watched from the audience while supporting her best gal-pal.” Mhm.


1. They’re taking muff-diving opportunities wherever they can get them.

She prefers Michelle keeps it natural

Just likes to make her girl feel good

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2843 articles for us.

36 Comments

  1. I read my comment again and i wasn’t comparing your write up with daily record. I mean i’m comparing daily record to E and i thought daily record did a better job. (clearing it, just in case it looked that way) :)

    Hi riese, Yours is clever and funny as usual. I just forgot to mention it. It made my day. thanks.

  2. I have to say I am with silverclouds on this. I love Michelle and would always wish her happiness. But I have seen far too many destructive relationships (been in a few, too) to be able to see warning signs. I know having a publicly accepted celebrity relationships can make many giddy. However, I fear this one will not end well for Michelle.

  3. Wowww, real freaking mature of that website to not be able to refer to Cara and Michelle as “girlfriends”. You’d think we’d be passed that kind of stuff by now, but alas, not completely. Also, re: the muff diving hat: OH MY GODDDD.

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