Tonight’s episode of The Real L Word really defied expectations. The cast saved seventeen babies from the unforgivable savage claws of a multi-pronged laser-beamed shark attack. Nikki’s magical tears transformed into sapphire bunnies and her compassion healed Natalie’s emotional wounds. Jill and Whitney took out the trash and cured cancer (ALL OF THE CANCERS), Rose and Papi switched bodies like in Freaky Friday, Mikey forgot to plug in her lamp (and then she bumped it!) which lead to a forest fire that was eventually put out by Dani Campbell, and Stamie’s children attacked Tracy but she was saved by Bill and Ted from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (and its notably less successful sequel, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey).
So anyhow, we were pretty excited. By “we” I mean me (Riese), DJ Carlytron, Executive Editor Laneia, and Senior Editor Celebrity Handler Jess. Yup. That’s a lot of bitches for one g-chat. But like, we just… you know….
Carly: I got drunk during True Blood! Also I realized something. Romi got her feather earring inspiration from —
Carly: Lafayette. We need a side-by-side graphic. He’s been wearing one feather earring lately.
Carly: Yes, on True Blood.
Riese: Oh! I thought she got it from her “ancestors.”
Carly: Well, either or.
Laneia: Both. ALL OF THE ANCESTORS!
That’s Revlon’s New Shade “Vicodin & Liquor”
Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “Straight men ask the darndest things”!
This weeks question:
Do you cry during sex? Like during the first time?
The first time Nikki had sex with a lady, it was “such an emotional experience” that she did cry. Hey, it’s your Passion Party and you’ll cry if you want to.
In Whitney’s case, the crying happened four months later when it showed up on premium cable, much to Jess’s Mom’s surprise. Therfore, she’s stunned by the question:
Whitney: “What? What the fuck kind of question is that? Uh — do people cry? I should ask you that? No. Thank God. I do not cry when I come. Is that why guys keep tissues next to their bed? This whole time I didn’t know. I thought it was for something else.”
Have you ever awoken from a sex-induced tear-stained coma and remembered, suddenly, how the night before you’d done the horizontal mombo with a lezbro who’d refused to remove either her socks or her sunglasses? AWKWARD.
Mikey: “When girls cry during sex, AWKWARD. I don’t even know what to do. Why are they crying? It’s supposed to be a happy moment. What do you do? You can’t get out of the room fast enough.”
Who Would Run Away From This Face?
Tracy did not cry the first time she had sex with a woman. She smiled. And as aforementioned; when Tracy’s smiling, the whole world smiles with her.
Nikki: “Yeah, Jill cries.”
Jill: “I HAVE cried during sex. It’s not often, but I have.”
Riese: Is everyone ready? Laneia how do you feel?
Jess: I feel partially queasy.
Riese: Laneia. Are you here? Are you crying? Did you just have sex?
Laneia: This is so dumb.
Jess: Jenny cried when she had sex with Marina. Is this supposed to be a throwback to that?
Laneia: My sense of humor is gone.
Carly: I’m drunk you guys, so I’m going to be funnier than normal. just fyi.
Riese: And also it’s fashion week!
Did you know that Whitney’s roommate’s band “Love Darling” sings the theme song? Jess does. Jess knows everything. She Majored in Real.
The “Previously On” takes so long, I ended up aging, losing my memory via zombie attack, and returning to see Whitney’s puzzling face:
In case you forgot! Anyhow, Jezebel said queer ladies can’t be sluts so, case closed.
Carly: Oh please don’t show this again. “I am a pussy slut”
Laneia: What other kinds of sluts are there?
Riese: Face-sluts, who kiss everyone.
Laneia: I might be a sushi slut.
We pick up exactly where we left off!
Cry it out, Nat. Cry it out. Look, you’ve got a sweet-looking girl nuzzling you like a puppy RIGHT NOW, switch it up!
Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side – Rose meets up with ex-girlfriend Angel in what appears to be the Holiday Inn Lounge, where it’s last call for alcohol.
Carly: How many days after last week does this episode take place?
Riese: Two hours.
Carly: It’s like Gossip Girl, with the weird time spans.
Laneia: This is making me want to do something… like… idk. Change the channel. Or buy a dog.
Carly: Drink more?
Nat wouldn’t approve, but Rose could not resist Angel’s song, JUST LIKE IN RENT, which is NOT a coincidence. Rose is drawn to Angel like a moth to a lava-lamp. Angel makes Rose “feel better” and puts “things” “in perspective.”
Angel: “Rose, I know you better than anybody does. You moved on really fast. Why is that? You don’t know? Rebound. You can’t be alone. Right? You’re still the same. You’ll never change.”
This makes absolutely no sense based on everything else we’ve been told about Rose so far, obviously Ilene could ret-con a cabinet. Rose remains simultaneously scared by & laughing at Angel.
And If It Helps, I’d Say I Feel a Little Worse Than I Did When We Met
Rose: You know that you and I had always established that we would be there for each other.
Angel: We never established this when we broke up. When we broke up it was a horrible breakup... I’ve always known that you’d call me if anything ever happened to your Grandma.
Perhaps Rose desires reconciliation because it’ll heal Grandma?
Carly: THEIR KNEES ARE TOUCHING
Riese: I think it’s meaner to cheat on your girlfriend on TV than it is to do it not on TV.
Carly: EVERY BAD LEZBO DECISION STARTS WITH KNEES TOUCHING.
Laneia: I hate all people.
Carly: Rose, do not cheat on Nat on TV! That is just in poor taste.
Why Are You Like This? Like, How You ARE
In the car, Rose explains that she’s just trying to “be real” with Angel and Angel doesn’t exactly go down like Rayanne Graff bolting into Jordan Catalano’s Red Ride.
Instead, Angel finds herself challenged by Rose’s inattention to detail and refusal to ever expand descriptions of her feelings beyond 7-8 vague generalities. Can I get a Proper Noun up in here? Does she order “you know, lunch,” at Burger King?
Rose: I am trying to be as real as I possibly can be across the board.
Angel: About what?
Rose: About everything.
Angel: About WHAT?
Rose: About you, about everybody.
Angel: What are you being real about?
What is it that you need, Angel. Do you need us to spell it out for you? Okay.
Laneia: She’s trying to be real because she’s on The Real L Word.
Riese: Right, she’s not being polite.
Laneia: I want her to elbow her in the face and/or neck.
Riese: Rose would like to vagina her in the face and/or neck.
Angel calls Rose out for strolling on into her car the moment Angel started to move on. Rose says it’s ’cause Angel is one of her best friends, duhsers. That should’ve been the episode’s opening question: “Has anyone ever said they were your best friend while simultaneously undermining your existence? And then cried after lesbian sex, whatever the fuck that is?”
Angel: “It’s always about you and what you need, and it’s never about anything else…. so go do what you do best and make amends with your girlfriend, tell her you needed “closure” to carry on your rapport with her. I know this line. So just go.”
Rose takes Angel’s advice and relays Angel’s suggested cover story to Nat and, BONUS! to the camerapeople in her recap/interview. This girl is smooth like butter/Papi.
There’s the little issue of the blow-up pool, a few holiday food drives’ worth of creamed corn, some ambiguously generous spoonfuls of “lube,” and the overall pain of the morning after you fucked a girl with a strap-on on national TV while your other girlfriend stood outside, drinking tequila out of the bottle.
Riese: OH EW.
Carly: Oh good, Whitney time. Barf.
How Else Can I Relax When I Know Something So Unfair/Smelly?
Riese: Oh Whitney has a look on her face that is familiar to me because I have had it. I have had that look on my face, and it was sad, and I hated myself.
Carly: And Alyssa has cried a thousand tears.
How’s Tor-a the Explorer feeling this morning?
Just Throwin’ it Out There
Bet you forgot about those rapey cameras, right? Mhm. I know you did.
Laneia: I can’t believe Tor can still smile in her presence.
Carly: WHAT? RAPE?! How can a girl not wearing a strap-on be raped by a girl wearing a strap-on? Am I being closed-minded?
Riese: ROMI RAPED HER? ILENE DON’T FUCKING THROW THIS WORD AROUND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
Jess: Do I need another interview with Romi to discuss the rape allegations?
Riese: Also, she has it on tape. like they could probs use that tape in a court of law I imagine.
Oh Rape. RAPEITY RAPE RAPE RAPE. Rape rape. Let’s just throw that word around like a little nerf ball that gets tossed into the yard, eaten by a Secret Spy Dog, and thrown into the lake with Laura Palmer’s body and Dana’s other nipple.
Whitney seeks comfort the only way she knows how…
Fuck This Venue, Niksalot, Let’s Invest in Autostraddle!
Today’s the day that Nikki is “changing this whole wedding venue situation” before the house goes ‘bye-bye’ (following some kind of natural disaster or economic recovery). Nikki’s muzzling Jill up, sticking marshmallows in her ears, handcuffing her to their antique bed and going out there and buying Castle Rock Falling Water on the Hill so their wedding can be “magical.” You know what else is magical?
MAGIC THE GATHERING
Nikki sits in silence allowing her ‘wife-to-be’ to casually peruse the three potential wedding locations.
Jill Prefers Safari, Write That Down
Carly: That looks like Cherie Jaffe’s house.
Riese: It probably is.
Carly: I hope they get married and invite Shane so that she can smash a BMW into their ceremony.
Laneia: Don’t invite Whitney!
Riese: That house inspired Cherie Jaffe’s house, like how Rose inspired Papi.
Nikki successfully radiates True Love Mind Control onto Jill’s brain, rendering her capacities for financial reasoning mute. We’ve acquired an exclusive video of Nikki & Jill’s phone-call to Camilla the Wedding Planner:
Let’s head over to the Parking Lot in the Sky with Mikey the Robobiker, where the people are a BUSTLE OF ACTIVITY with only TWO DAYS LEFT TIL THE BIG DAY. What big day? Is it Bette & Tina’s wedding? The Ohio State Fair? The Spice Girls Reunion Tour? Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale? FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS IT’S
Big Top Mikey
Carly: Our [upcoming Autostraddle video] is going to be soooo good!
Riese: You guys we can’t talk about [that video] today! It’s two days until Fashion WeekDay!
Carly: Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day!
Riese: Fashion Week is the Poor Man’s Rex Manning Day.
Mikey informs us that THIS IS 100% MY BIGGEST PRODUCTION EVER (bigger than her penis? doubtful) and that THE TENTS ARE UP and THE ROOF IS UP and THE ROOF IS ON FIRE.
Mikey: “To stand underneath a 10,000 foot tent with a 20-foot rise in the center of the ceiling is fucking insane. I’m so excited.”
So that’s Raquel’s secret.
It Takes a Lot of Water to Look This Good
Tracy just worked out her bod, now it’s time to work out her soul. On the phone. With Mom.
Tracy: Do you wanna say Hi to my Mom?
Stamie: No, in my heart I say Hi to her every day. I say thank you. I thank her uterus every day.
Riese: Tracy looks nice in aqua.
Carly: She looks nice in everything/nothing. Deh. Stamie is eating with a little kid fork. Also, Dogwatch 2010: Yawning Dog.
Jess: Was the dog supposed to symbolize the audience?
Carly: The dogs always symbolize the audience/hope for a better day.
Tracy’s had a few talks with her Mom about the ghey thing but is still unsure about Mom’s potential Birthgay Party RSVP. Stamie rubs it in with a heartwarming tale of her parents’ first visit to LA and the glory of having girlfriend + parents under one roof. It’s no 10,000 foot tent/20-foot rise, but it’s something.
Tracy says Mom is making progress.
Tracy: Parents have a coming out process as well.
Don’t I Make You Wanna Be a Better Woman?
Rose is gonna have to do some “Oscar-award winning acting” to get Nat back from Nat’s Mom’s House/Hidwaway. Hopefully Rose’ll pick either Cher in “Moonstruck” or Sally Field in “Norma Rae.”
Carly: Nat has a ‘keep calm and carry on’ meme bike shirt, yikes.
Riese: That’s a new dog!
Carly: NEW DOG?!!! There are like a hundred dogs here all of a sudden.
Jess: The dogs are the Greek Chorus like in Shakespeare.
Riese: IT’S A ZOO!
Carly: ZOOBILEE ZOO!
Riese: Great show.
Carly: Such a great show.
Nat complains that it’s not fair for Rose to just drop everything/Nat when she’s mad. Rose explains that Rose had to look out for Rose for once, as opposed to per ushe when she’s looking out for all of G-d’s creatures, like Snow White or Alyssa.
Just Come Home, We Look Good Together in Photos
Riese: Rose is just always pretty sure that she’s right. That’s her problem. She never budges.
Carly: There are many problems with Rose.
Jess: Is it worth noting that there are NO CATS in this show.
Nat says Rose admits she’d dump Nat for doing what Rose does to her. Then they go home together like two birds of a feather.
Carly: Cut to fashion week, I don’t even care anymore.
Laneia: YES PLEASE.
Riese: I know! Let’s get this fashion show on the road.
White Trash Party –> Actual Trash
It’s time for a “secret mission” to “fuckin’ haul those lube bags” says Whitme. Hell yeah it is.
Riese: Whittmey. Whitmememememememe.
There’s a hole in the bag. Whitney’s used up her hole-plugging skills for the week. This scene’s a reminder of how the universe constantly provides you with physical opportunities to regret what you did last night. Bruises, broken arms, cans cans everywhere and giant leaking garbage bags of lube. Mother Nature wants you to dwell, otherwise Disasterparties would clean themselves, amirite?
Carly: I love secret missions!
Jess: I can’t believe this is a television show.
Riese: This is way more white trash than the party.
Carly: Don’t they have a hose? Can’t they just hose it down?
Laneia: I want to die. Now. Please. FORFEIT
Riese: DOUBLE BAG IT.
Laneia: NO SHIT.
Jess: Ok the lube dragging is the moment the show jumped the shark.
Riese: White trash would know to double bag it.
Whitney: We’re just two young ladies —
Alyssa: Lubes ahoy!
[They arrive at the dumpster]
Whitney: We don’t need that cart.
Alyssa: No, no.
Whitney: Fuck the cart.
Alyssa: We’ll get another cart.
Whitney: We’re outta here.
Will Probably Vote Yes on 8 After This
Mikey has tracked down a legendary pre-adolescent daughter of a Celebrity (Heather Locklear), Ava Sambora, to make her runway debut in Richie Sambora’s Fashion Show for White Trash Beautiful at FASHION WEEK.
Does That Terminator Chick Freak You Out At All? Yeah Me Too.
Mikey is telling actual models to put “heels on” to “change the shape of their body.” Any model not already aware of that must immediately return to her hotel here, pack her belongings, and go home.
Heather’s thrilled, just look at her:
Your Face on Fashion Week
Amendment to the “thou shalt not speak ill of a woman’s physical appearance” commandment for Autostraddle — “unless she has committed grave sins of Plastic Surgery so severe we’d bust a stinkeye trying to suppress our feelings.”
Riese: Locklear has had some work done.
Carly: What happened to Heather Locklear’s face?
Jess: Heather Locklear??!?
Carly: Haaaayyyyyy! Clap clap!
Riese: Mikey’s gonna do something that will make me feel sad for Melrose Place.
Carly: Annnnd cue mortification.
She’s referring to T.J. Hooker, whoever that is. Mikey can’t see through those shades and Heather can’t move her eyeballs, they’d be a perfect couple. Unfortunately Raquel busts up the occasion Gypsy-Rose style, with giant inexplicably mylar balloons and loud feline noises.
Laneia: Oh is it Valentine’s Day now? Like for real?
Carly: Is Raquel drunk? She is talking crazy.
Riese: You guys, Heather’s face.
Jess: I love that Heather Locklear got out of rehab and this was her first stop.
Riese: Heather’s face.
Carly: Heather should not have signed that release. Guuurl.
Mikey knows there’s a hole in Ava’s heart where her mother’s facial mobility used to be: a place filled with smiles, surprise, confusion, anger, disgust, laughter and delight. In order to fill that hole, Mikey & Raquel are making EXTRA FACIAL EXPRESSIONS to encourage the young hopeful:
Cue Alexi’s Closet theme song, let’s practice your signature walk Ava the Dava!
Carly: “The whole trick is about leaning back.” Write that down.
Riese: This is sooooo ANTM.
Carly: IT’S TIME FOR A GO-SEE! DO NOT BE LATE FOR THE GO-SEES!
Riese: TYRA MAIL!
Carly: Where is Miss Jay? That’s my number one feeling. Where is Miss Jay.
Girlfriend is Busy
Jess: Back to the one restaurant that would let them film. THE ABBEY.
Riese: This is tragik.
Laneia: GOD PLEASE I WANT SOMEONE ANYONE TO BASH MY BRAINS OUT.
Whitney’s ready for Sara to migrate south, ’cause Tor & Romi are so much drama, with their rapey cameras & feelings & physical proximity.
Scarlett: “I think Sara moving here is going to make Whitney have to make a decision.”
But who needs decisions when Dinah Shore, Patron Saint Weekend of Indecision, is right around the fucking corner? “It’s like a girl’s gone wild golf weekend,” says Whitney, ready to score her hole-in-one-or more.
Riese: Oh no! They are about to come to where we were!
Carly: Oh no.
Laneia: I am so sober.
Riese: “Girls Gone Wild golf weekend”? No. It was a Spirit Journey.
Laneia: I am going to cry.
Just Wait ‘Til She Sees My OOO EEEEEEE Face
Whitney’s feelings for Sara are making her feel she’s “lost control.” Because the poweerrrr her clam’s supplying? It’s electrifying!
Laneia: I have tears that I’m holding back.
Riese: Why is there nobody at The Abbey?
Carly: Because they didn’t want to be affected by the power of the clam.
Laneia: The goddamn clam.
Scarlett: I’m worried about Romi… You need to be the smart one. She doesn’t think with her head, she thinks with her heart. You have to be more conscious about her feelings, you know?
Scarlett needs Whitney to zip up her lovership w/Romi, Alyssa needs Whitney to put out Tor’s Torch, and Tinkerbell needs a vodka-tonic.
But I Have a Fan…
Tracy’s Mom is breaking Tracy’s heart. She’s just not ready to meet Stamie. OR IS SHE? Regardless, Tracy is good at blazers.
Carly: The call is coming from inside the house!
Laneia: “The call is coming from inside the house” better be the name of this post.
OMG IT’S TRACY’S MINIATURE MADRE!
Carly: THE CALL IS COMING FROM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Laneia: OH MOM!
Riese: That tricky bastard!
Laneia: !!!!!!!!!!!!! Carly has won!
Carly: Her mom pwned her.
Well, let’s cut to the chase.
Tracy: I just did a photoshoot with this magazine it’s called BOUND Magazine, it’s a new magazine, and its’ very like uh, upscale. Like a women’s magazine but I think it’s geared towards… towards uh… lesbians.
Tracy’s Mom: Wow.
Tracy: I’m not trying to change your mind or change your way of life or change anything.
Tracy’s Mom: No, you’re not.
That’s for sure. [Also I call Autostraddle a “women’s website” to suspect parties sometimes too.] It hurts to see Tracy try so hard and hear her Mom say that if Tracy were “in her shoe” that she would “think the same way.” But no.
Tracy’s Mom: I think all the mothers out there would feel the same way.
Yeah, that’s what I tell myself when I drink half a bottle of whiskey every night, “oh I bet all the People of the Internet do the same thing,” but I’m pretty sure that’s just a rationalization I use to avoid confronting life patterns adopted to obliterate my anxiety & sense of failure. My team does the same thing! Oh my god. Maybe we’re not really gay. Maybe we’re all just drunk. Mom thinks so:
Tracy’s Mom is going “step by step” you know, “slowly.” Mhm. Let’s speed it up. I’m in your shoe, and we’re both aging.
Tracy sees a big change in her Mom, she says! We didn’t see it, ’cause IFC is saving her screen-time for Whitney’s Clam, but hopefully it happened.
“We are not only mother and daughter, we are also best friends,” says Mom.
Riese: Your best friend can’t be against you being gay!
Carly: Wow, tough day for Tracy. She just found out that her best friend is judgey and is making weird faces.
Mom will come to the comedy show. This makes Tracy happy, and as aforementioned when she smiles the whole world smiles with her. I hope this isn’t the part that ties into the crying after sex thing.
Mom calls Stamie a “close person,” and asks they restrain from any kinky shit in front of her, e.g., holding hands. What if there’s a shark attack. Can Tracy rescue Stamie? Shark Week may be over, but Fashion Week certainly isn’t. Right? Totally.
Step it Up 3-D, But Gay
Nikki & Jill can dance if they want to, they can leave their friends behind, because if you can’t dance and if she can’t dance then you’ll not wed with these friends of mine. This whole thing is cute if you’re into that kind of thing. Nikki doesn’t wanna lead. She’s always leading, like when she mind-powered Jill into choosing Cinderella’s Castle for the wedding.
I’m So Excited, I’m So So So SO SO
Laneia: If you don’t already know how to dance, just don’t fucking dance!
Riese: This is like a movie about Bat Mitzvahs!
Jess: Btw, my Mom did NOT mention strap-on sex which was a huge relief for me.
Riese: I could not even walk in those shoes, let alone dance.
Carly: Neither could I. Also, I’m gonna cry of embarrassment because… I can’t watch same-sex couples slow-dance together. It weirds me out. AHHHH! I HATE MYSELF.
Jill: For some reason, two women slow dancing together, feels a little strange to me. I can’t put my finger on it.
Riese: Jill agrees!
Carly: YEAH JILL! TEAM JILL!
Laneia: Two women slow dancing togeths feels strange because SLOW DANCING IS STUPID!
Nikki: I did not get the dance gene.
Jill: No, you did not get the dance gene.
Nikki: You did not get it either — you did not get it either. Listen, Twinkletoes —
Nikki: And then we’re gonna be those two women DANCING! It’s so gay!
Jill: There’s a couple of things at play here —
Nikki: It’s just — GAY!
Jess: YES IT’S SO GAY!!!!!! THEY AGREE WITH ME
Carly: They should be learning a hip hop routine choreographed by Nappy Tabs.
Nikki: Dance lessons were the worst idea I’ve ever had. I am sorry. Did I apologize?
Jill: Not nearly enough.
Nikki: I’m sorry.
Jill: We’ll play hip-hop music when we come out. It’ll be much less pressure.
Carly: I really love Nikki and Jill right now.
Riese: Ok, that was a good scene. That’s weird. Also, Mom’s drunk.
I Just Hope She Doesn’t Pee Her Pants ‘Cause That Would Be SO WEIRD FOR REAL
Good idea, let’s take Mom to see Tracy’s girlfriend tell dirty jokes at a coffeeshop. Because grandma said you’ve got to laugh at yourself, ’cause you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t. Or The Indigo Girls said that. Same diff.
Riese: You guys there is no way she is not going to make inappropriate jokes.
Laneia: Yeah this will be suppppper awkward.
Carly: Which is why i am EXCITED!
Laneia: Stamie’s like OHHH SHIT now I can’t talk about female ejaculation!
Jess: Tracy’s mom is Stamie’s kryptonite.
The Woman On Your Shirt — She Should Also Apologize
So it’s time for Rose & her mother to make up. Golf clap/tears!
Carly: Rose, driving alone to the sound of Dulcet Sad Tones.
Riese: If I freaked out every time my grandfather was in the hospital, I’d be constantly freaking out. I’d never have time to eat, drink, shower or work. I’d sleep a few hours a night only ’cause most of them are already dead.
Carly: Seriously. Same here.
Laneia: Guys. Guys. Did you know. That there’s undefined tension between Rose and her Mom.
Riese: Between Rose and Her Mom? Oh so weird. Interesting.
Carly: Tell us more, Rose.
Riese: Do they play her saying it the same way every time, or do they make her say it again each episode? Times keep changing. Nine months. Babytime.
So I Gave Myself Pneumonia
Rose’s Mom accepts her lifestyle, and Jesus Christo, this is some intense shit, goddamn I wish we knew what the fuck happened.
Laneia: Her mom looks… gayer than she does. Can I say that?
Riese: There is nothing about this show that does not make me feel weird.
Laneia: AMEN. CHRIST ALMIGHTY.
Riese: SORRY FOR WHAT
Laneia: WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS. THIS IS PERSONAL
Riese: SORRY FOR WHAT
Laneia: THIS IS PRIVATE
Riese: DID YOU BURN DOWN THE CABIN
Laneia: GOOD GOD.
Riese: HOW WAS SHE DISRESPECTFUL? WHAT DID SHE DO?
Carly: Robin just IMed me this from her office: “all i hear is like, people crying. like, who the fuck is crying now? i can tell this show is lame from two rooms away. write that down.”
Laneia: Thumbs up Robin.
Watching this scene again without those cynical assholes, I felt slightly emotionally moved. SLIGHTLY.
Here we are. At the scene of the future disaster.
Carly: Oh Stamie. don’t kill her mother. Please.
Riese: Coffee shop. Tough crowd.
Carly: Behave, gurl.
Carly: oh shiiiitttt. ABORT. ABORT.
Riese: this was a bad idea. TRACY
Laneia: SUCH A MISTAKE BABY
Carly: TRACY. GURL.
Riese: LEVEL WITH US HERE
Carly: NOT GOOD.
Riese: WE’RE FRIENDS. TRACY
Laneia: Yeah friends prepare friends for cock jokes.
Jess: Tracy looks thrilled.
Tracy’s Mom can’t “do this thing.” This thing where she calls Stamie anything besides Tracy’s “best friend,” Beetlejuice, or Cunt Face. Tracy says reality isn’t about skipping off into the sunset. That’s so able-ist. I’m done with you, Autostraddle. There’s no vegan visibility here besides Miss April.
WHAT WEEK IS IT?
BLACK HISTORY MONTH?
This reminds me of that time in 1989 when I had the biggest, best, most amazing 8th birthday party for Marie Lyn Bernard there that day, September 23rd, 1989. It was BOMB ASS. The entire cast of Dude Where’s My Car showed up. SO WEIRD. I got it via time machine. The car was a DeLorean. I know. Fancy right. That was before we lost the farm.
THE DAY HAS COME THE DAY HAS COME
GUESS WHAT WEEK IT IS MIKEY KING OF STYLE
MIKEY’S HAIR = FASHION WEEK
GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH FOR FASHION:
And theennnn the lights go out on the red carpet, proving that Ian is not, as formerly labeled, “the best production guy ever.” What about all the celebrities! Hellen Keller is gonna trip over Stevie Wonder’s piano!
Carly: “When are you gonna unveil the Magnum, Mikey?”
Riese: Outlet. Wall.
Carly: Plug the lights in, Mikey.. that’s all.
Riese: How can Mikey even tell? It’s all dark to her in those shades.
I Know it Was That Bitch Ilene, She Is Always Trying to Tell Stories About Blackouts
Laneia: What are they going to do? For electricity?
Riese: This is not like when Alice & Shane stole the 17 reasons sign. It’s not like that at all.
I’ve Got 15 More Bad Ideas Where Puppetry of the Penis Came From
Well, that was fun, say Stamie and Tracy. Next time, let’s go to a Cunnilingus Workshop at Babeland, or take Mom camping at MichFest, or just Ice her. Meanwhile, someone mentions a “Michelle,” Tracy’s roommate.
Riese: I wanna meet the roommmate! Jess, find Michelle.
Carly: WHERE IS MICHELLE.
Riese: Interview that bitch. I bet she’s hot, hot girls always have hot roommates.
Jess: Her name is Michelle Fleury.
Riese: Jess knows everything, of course.
Carly: Wait srsly? She’s from Curl Girls.
Laneia: Oh is she the one I liked? I LIKED HER.
Jess: I majored in Tracy and Stamie.
Carly: I majored in LOGO.
Riese: OMG. WHY ISN’T SHE IN THIS SHOW? Interview her, Jess.
Jess: I love that now we’re interviewing people who aren’t even on the show but are just mentioned once in theory.
Tracy wants her Mom to meet the kids to confirm that Mom really does hate gay people when she refuses to get Daughtry some juice. (Baby steps, Daughtry. You’re a baby. Step on over to the mini-fridge and grab yourself a Juicy Juice.)
See This Face? Sara Is Gonna Make Out With It, Sucker!
So Whitney & Romi are having dinner so Whitney can say that “being friends didn’t work” and she’s “not looking for a relationship” and that Sara’s moving here. Romi says they just had sex. None of this information gets anyone anywhere.
Laneia: They have GOT to just stop talking to each other forever! They should never speak again! You guys, how many lesbians live in LA?
Riese: Like 65,000.
Laneia: Are there not more for Whitney to fuck?
Riese: Yeah there’s like maybe 64,997 more.
“Yeah, I have feelings for Romi,” says Whitney. But also for Sara, Heather Locklear, and Carmen De La Pica Morales.
Laneia: YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR REFLECTION WHITNEY
Riese: IN THE CORNEAS OF THE GIRLS YOU FUCK
But whatever, who cares. MOVE ON DOT ORG. Whitney’s shifted focus. She’s feeling maternal, so she’s gonna start hitting up the pre-teen set. The girls that keep photos of Ashley & Spencer in their lockers.
JK, she’s gonna have a baby at Dinah Shore. No really:
Carly: Whitney speaks in Promos: “The truth will be revealed… at Dinah Shore”
Like most of Whitney’s heart-to-hearts, it ends with lots of vagina imagery and no discernable progress.
These are the notes I have on this scene:
18. Mikey and the lights
show finally happens
mikey not doing lights for nikki/jill wedding
Moses Needs to Part This Sucker STAT
Mikey swears a lot, says she’s never hiring Ian again, and runs around like she’s Will Smith saving the world in Independence Day or something. Anyhow. Fixed.
Carly: HHAHAHA WE WERE RIGHT
Riese: “Full on MELTDOWN MODE”
Carly: IT WASN’T PLUGGED INTO THE WALL.
Riese: This is so strange. And unlikely.
Carly: THIS IS SUCH BS.
Laneia: Um yes. IT’S OVER.
Carly: There is NO WAY you’d have a massive event like this with these lights without several generators. FUCK THIS.
Laneia: IT’S ALL OVER.
Riese: It’s not that hard.
Riese: Seriously, like who in their right mind would not prepare for this.
Your Sunglasses Look Slightly Less Weird Now. This is Good.
Mikey says it was the longest 20 minutes of her whole life. Coincidentally it was the longest two minutes of our lives. We have something in common with Mikey now besides a healthy collection of Hanes white v-neck tees, although ours are slightly lopsided ’cause that’s how they sell them at the dollar store.
Jess: I AM RELIEVED MIKEY.
Laneia: Even longer than the 20 minutes when her friend was shot in front of her as a child?
Back inside, Mikey hob-nobs with her celesbifriends.
Riese: Mena Suvari asks about the sunglasses. FINALLY. SOMEBODY.
Carly: Mena Suvari was at the NewNowNext awards which means she has A LOT OF FREE TIME.
Not Gay Necessarily, But Played One on TV
Carly: Ooo look at her GLOVE!
Riese: And her Old Navy headphones!
Laneia: That’s cute.
HI I’M MIKEY INVENTOR OF THE HAMBURGER
Mikey, using the voice of the first person to ever read Three Little Bears in English to deaf Chinese orphans, announces the launch of Fashion Week!!! WWAAAAA
Riese: I can’t watch. I’m serious.
Carly: Oh no do not let her talk. Please.
Laneia: Don’t yell into a mic. Good God.
Carly: This is like someone’s little kid stole the mic and ran on stage.
Riese: I feel ANTM Anxiety, like somebody is going to trip.
Ava the Dava
Like everything Mikey does, this was the best Fashion Week Event to ever happen since the dinosaur modeled that tiny hat.
I Can Put My Finger in the Flame And Not Get Burned SEEEEE
Stamie & Tracy & Tracy’s Mom and Tracy’s sister are gonna all hang out to do their nails and everything. JK, Tracy’s Mom is gonna smackdown the “meeting Stamie’s kids ideas.” It brings Stamie back to not being comfortable with her sexuality, which brings me back to this.
Riese: Stamie is being me. It didn’t work out for me. Just fyi.
Carly: Stamie gurl, just suck it up. It’s a few hours. Don’t push it.
Riese: It makes my blood boil though, it’s so insulting!
Carly: I know, it is!
Laneia: Yeah I never understand how NOT showing love will make people feel better. it’s opposite-logic.
Riese: But also, it’s not hard to restrain. It’s just the principal. I MEAN PRINCIPLE!
Laneia: Principals are so cool. They have all those extra erasers.
Riese: And rulers.
Carly: And those pens that have two sides.
The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Gay
Stamie: It is hard for me to not show affection to Tracy. I love hugging her and kissing her. You haven’t seen her naked, she’s fucking HOT.
GUESS WHAT IT STILL IS? FASHION WEEK!
Alyssa is writing ‘Don’t Fuck Me’ on Whitney’s eyelids, for the sake of the fine ladies of Fashion Week.
Chi it Up
Nikki notices that they did such a good job with the tent. Flares of inner panic stoke inside Jill’s gut regarding the possibility of Wedding Tenting
Laneia: Oh now it looks like The Hills. This I would watch.
Riese: Nobody else wanted to come to fashion week, so they had to invite the cast.
Carly: Oh let me guess, the entire cast will be at a fake event?
Laneia: PUT THEM IN A ROOM TOGETHER!
Riese: “We’re gonna be stars soon enough, just take photos.”
Laneia: “They did such a good job making this appear real, right?”
Hey Hey The Gang’s All Here
Mikey “holds the show” for Raquel, who is running 10-15 minutes late surprise:
GODDAMIT RAQUEL. Can’t you be on time for anything? I SAID NO WIRE HANGERS.
Jess: Does Raquel have a secret family or what?
Carly: Raquel gurl get a watch.
Riese: Mikey, stop expecting her to be on time. Raquel is just a mirage.
Laneia: She needs to do that thing when you tell them it’s 30 mins earlier than it is.
Riese: She was busy blowing her hair. That thing she does.
Carly: She was busy bleaching those jeans.
Taking Photos for fyeahreallword.tumblr.com
Riese: This is itunes stock music. Stamie is like “this is insipid.”
Carly: I bet the name of this track is something amazing like “Rock N Rolla” or “Fashion Craze.”
Carly: I want Nikki and Jill to be really judgey to Mikey.
Laneia: Yes, because you know that they are.
Mikey: Tonight’s show was amazing. I truly feel this is the biggest and best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. I’m not really one that would ever say that I’m proud of myself, but I’m actually proud of myself.
Just when you think the worst is over, Mikey runs up on stage with the eagerness of a freshly Bar Mitzvahed lesbian with a sleeve tattoo. She calls out Raquel and we scream too loud to hear the rest.
Mikey: Tonight was so amazing that I cannot even stop myself from sharing the biggest moment of my life. Do we have a Raquel Casadega in the house? Raquel Casadega? You need to move your car, you’re blocking valet.
Mikey gets down on one knee as Raquel trots out, bra strap waving in the wind:
Jess: This show would be better if it was subtitled by Stamie’s internal monologue
Riese: ohngaodgjkjadhd;gdfjhganohnon ohnonohnhohno
Laneia: YESSSSSSSSS JESS. OH GOD. NO. NOOOOO
Riese: You guys seriously I am covering my eyes
Carly: OH NO. It is TIME.
Mikey: Will you marry me?
“Whatever motherfucker it’s an excuse for me to GET LOUD LIKE I WANTED TO ALL ALONG!”
Mom is Flip-Camming = She Has Accepted The Gay
Riese: Prop 8. OMG. YOU JUST AGREED TO HAVE A BIG PARTY WITH ME AND WE’LL CALL IT A “WEDDING”!
Laneia: BRA STRAP.
Carly: I am mortified and am not entirely sure why?
Riese: A BIG PARTY! WE NEED A SPACE!
Laneia: They’ll need a tent. Maybe a parking lot. Extension cords!
White Trash Beautiful!
Mikey has one thing to say:
Raquel says this gesture was v.meaningful ’cause it’s hard for Mikey to “express her feelings,” and Mikey says that now she and Raquel can start a family and live the American Dream, just like Whitmey and her Dinah Shore babies and Portia De Rossi De Generes.
Riese: Mikey always talks loud. Why is that special?
Riese: For her to talk loud?
Next week: The girls go to Dinah Shore.