Real L Word Episode 108 Recap: Runway Bridezilla Attacks Zombies, Eats Crybabies, is a Lesbian

Will Probably Vote Yes on 8 After This

Mikey has tracked down a legendary pre-adolescent daughter of a Celebrity (Heather Locklear), Ava Sambora, to make her runway debut in Richie Sambora’s Fashion Show for White Trash Beautiful at FASHION WEEK.

Does That Terminator Chick Freak You Out At All? Yeah Me Too.

Mikey is telling actual models to put “heels on” to “change the shape of their body.” Any model not already aware of that must immediately return to her hotel here, pack her belongings, and go home.

Heather’s thrilled, just look at her:

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Your Face on Fashion Week

Amendment to the “thou shalt not speak ill of a woman’s physical appearance” commandment for Autostraddle — “unless she has committed grave sins of Plastic Surgery so severe we’d bust a stinkeye trying to suppress our feelings.”

Carly: FASHIONWEEK
Riese: Locklear has had some work done.
Carly: What happened to Heather Locklear’s face?
Jess: Heather Locklear??!?
Carly: Haaaayyyyyy! Clap clap!
Riese: Mikey’s gonna do something that will make me feel sad for Melrose Place.
Carly: Annnnd cue mortification.

She’s referring to T.J. Hooker, whoever that is. Mikey can’t see through those shades and Heather can’t move her eyeballs, they’d be a perfect couple. Unfortunately Raquel busts up the occasion Gypsy-Rose style, with giant inexplicably mylar balloons and loud feline noises.

Laneia: Oh is it Valentine’s Day now? Like for real?
Carly: Is Raquel drunk? She is talking crazy.
Riese: You guys, Heather’s face.
Jess: I love that Heather Locklear got out of rehab and this was her first stop.
Riese: Heather’s face.
Carly: Heather should not have signed that release. Guuurl.

Mikey knows there’s a hole in Ava’s heart where her mother’s facial mobility used to be: a place filled with smiles, surprise, confusion, anger, disgust, laughter and delight. In order to fill that hole, Mikey & Raquel are making EXTRA FACIAL EXPRESSIONS to encourage the young hopeful:

Cue Alexi’s Closet theme song, let’s practice your signature walk Ava the Dava!

Carly: “The whole trick is about leaning back.” Write that down.
Riese: This is sooooo ANTM.
Carly: IT’S TIME FOR A GO-SEE! DO NOT BE LATE FOR THE GO-SEES!
Riese: TYRA MAIL!
Carly: Where is Miss Jay? That’s my number one feeling. Where is Miss Jay.

Girlfriend is Busy


Jess: Back to the one restaurant that would let them film. THE ABBEY.
Riese: This is tragik.
Laneia: GOD PLEASE I WANT SOMEONE ANYONE TO BASH MY BRAINS OUT.

Whitney’s ready for Sara to migrate south, ’cause Tor & Romi are so much drama, with their rapey cameras & feelings & physical proximity.

Scarlett: “I think Sara moving here is going to make Whitney have to make a decision.”

But who needs decisions when Dinah Shore, Patron Saint Weekend of Indecision, is right around the fucking corner? “It’s like a girl’s gone wild golf weekend,” says Whitney, ready to score her hole-in-one-or more.

Riese: Oh no! They are about to come to where we were!
Carly: Oh no.
Laneia: I am so sober.
Riese: “Girls Gone Wild golf weekend”? No. It was a Spirit Journey.
Laneia: I am going to cry.

Just Wait ‘Til She Sees My OOO EEEEEEE Face

Whitney’s feelings for Sara are making her feel she’s “lost control.” Because the poweerrrr her clam’s supplying? It’s electrifying!

Laneia: I have tears that I’m holding back.
Riese: Why is there nobody at The Abbey?
Carly: Because they didn’t want to be affected by the power of the clam.
Laneia: The goddamn clam.


Scarlett: I’m worried about Romi… You need to be the smart one. She doesn’t think with her head, she thinks with her heart. You have to be more conscious about her feelings, you know?

Scarlett needs Whitney to zip up her lovership w/Romi, Alyssa needs Whitney to put out Tor’s Torch, and Tinkerbell needs a vodka-tonic.


But I Have a Fan…

Tracy’s Mom is breaking Tracy’s heart. She’s just not ready to meet Stamie. OR IS SHE? Regardless, Tracy is good at blazers.

Carly: The call is coming from inside the house!
Laneia: “The call is coming from inside the house” better be the name of this post.

OMG IT’S TRACY’S MINIATURE MADRE!

Carly: THE CALL IS COMING FROM OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Laneia: OH MOM!
Riese: That tricky bastard!
Laneia: !!!!!!!!!!!!! Carly has won!
Carly: Her mom pwned her.

Well, let’s cut to the chase.

Tracy: I just did a photoshoot with this magazine it’s called BOUND Magazine, it’s a new magazine, and its’ very like uh, upscale. Like a women’s magazine but I think it’s geared towards… towards uh… lesbians.
Tracy’s Mom: Wow.
Tracy: I’m not trying to change your mind or change your way of life or change anything.
Tracy’s Mom: No, you’re not.

That’s for sure. [Also I call Autostraddle a “women’s website” to suspect parties sometimes too.] It hurts to see Tracy try so hard and hear her Mom say that if Tracy were “in her shoe” that she would “think the same way.” But no.

Tracy’s Mom: I think all the mothers out there would feel the same way.

Yeah, that’s what I tell myself when I drink half a bottle of whiskey every night, “oh I bet all the People of the Internet do the same thing,” but I’m pretty sure that’s just a rationalization I use to avoid confronting life patterns adopted to obliterate my anxiety & sense of failure. My team does the same thing! Oh my god. Maybe we’re not really gay. Maybe we’re all just drunk. Mom thinks so:

Tracy’s Mom is going “step by step” you know, “slowly.” Mhm. Let’s speed it up. I’m in your shoe, and we’re both aging.

Tracy sees a big change in her Mom, she says! We didn’t see it, ’cause IFC is saving her screen-time for Whitney’s Clam, but hopefully it happened.

“We are not only mother and daughter, we are also best friends,” says Mom.

Riese: Your best friend can’t be against you being gay!
Carly: Wow, tough day for Tracy. She just found out that her best friend is judgey and is making weird faces.

Mom will come to the comedy show. This makes Tracy happy, and as aforementioned when she smiles the whole world smiles with her. I hope this isn’t the part that ties into the crying after sex thing.

Mom calls Stamie a “close person,” and asks they restrain from any kinky shit in front of her, e.g., holding hands. What if there’s a shark attack. Can Tracy rescue Stamie? Shark Week may be over, but Fashion Week certainly isn’t. Right? Totally.


Step it Up 3-D, But Gay

Nikki & Jill can dance if they want to, they can leave their friends behind, because if you can’t dance and if she can’t dance then you’ll not wed with these friends of mine. This whole thing is cute if you’re into that kind of thing. Nikki doesn’t wanna lead. She’s always leading, like when she mind-powered Jill into choosing Cinderella’s Castle for the wedding.

I’m So Excited, I’m So So So SO SO

Laneia: If you don’t already know how to dance, just don’t fucking dance!
Riese: This is like a movie about Bat Mitzvahs!
Jess: Btw, my Mom did NOT mention strap-on sex which was a huge relief for me.


Riese: I could not even walk in those shoes, let alone dance.
Carly: Neither could I. Also, I’m gonna cry of embarrassment because… I can’t watch same-sex couples slow-dance together. It weirds me out. AHHHH! I HATE MYSELF.

Jill: For some reason, two women slow dancing together, feels a little strange to me. I can’t put my finger on it.

Riese: Jill agrees!
Carly: YEAH JILL! TEAM JILL!
Laneia: Two women slow dancing togeths feels strange because SLOW DANCING IS STUPID!


Nikki: I did not get the dance gene.
Jill: No, you did not get the dance gene.
Nikki: You did not get it either — you did not get it either. Listen, Twinkletoes —

Nikki: And then we’re gonna be those two women DANCING! It’s so gay!
Jill: There’s a couple of things at play here  —
Nikki: It’s just — GAY!

Jess: YES IT’S SO GAY!!!!!! THEY AGREE WITH ME
Carly: They should be learning a hip hop routine choreographed by Nappy Tabs.

Nikki: Dance lessons were the worst idea I’ve ever had. I am sorry. Did I apologize?
Jill: Not nearly enough.
Nikki: I’m sorry.
Jill: We’ll play hip-hop music when we come out. It’ll be much less pressure.

Carly: I really love Nikki and Jill right now.
Laneia: Yes.
Riese: Ok, that was a good scene. That’s weird. Also, Mom’s drunk.


I Just Hope She Doesn’t Pee Her Pants ‘Cause That Would Be SO WEIRD FOR REAL

Good idea, let’s take Mom to see Tracy’s girlfriend tell dirty jokes at a coffeeshop. Because grandma said you’ve got to laugh at yourself, ’cause you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t. Or The Indigo Girls said that. Same diff.

Riese: You guys there is no way she is not going to make inappropriate jokes.
Laneia: Yeah this will be suppppper awkward.
Carly: Which is why i am EXCITED!

Laneia: Stamie’s like OHHH SHIT now I can’t talk about female ejaculation!
Jess: Tracy’s mom is Stamie’s kryptonite.


The Woman On Your Shirt — She Should Also Apologize

So it’s time for Rose & her mother to make up. Golf clap/tears!

Carly: Rose, driving alone to the sound of  Dulcet Sad Tones.
Riese: If I freaked out every time my grandfather was in the hospital, I’d be constantly freaking out. I’d never have time to eat, drink, shower or work. I’d sleep a few hours a night only ’cause most of them are already dead.
Carly: Seriously. Same here.

Laneia: Guys. Guys. Did you know. That there’s undefined tension between Rose and her Mom.
Riese: Between Rose and Her Mom? Oh so weird. Interesting.
Carly: Tell us more, Rose.
Riese: Do they play her saying it the same way every time, or do they make her say it again each episode? Times keep changing. Nine months. Babytime.

So I Gave Myself Pneumonia

Rose’s Mom accepts her lifestyle, and Jesus Christo, this is some intense shit, goddamn I wish we knew what the fuck happened.

Laneia: Her mom looks… gayer than she does. Can I say that?
Riese: There is nothing about this show that does not make me feel weird.

Laneia: AMEN. CHRIST ALMIGHTY.
Riese: SORRY FOR WHAT
Laneia: WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS. THIS IS PERSONAL
Riese: SORRY FOR WHAT
Laneia: THIS IS PRIVATE
Riese: DID YOU BURN DOWN THE CABIN
Laneia: GOOD GOD.
Riese: HOW WAS SHE DISRESPECTFUL? WHAT DID SHE DO?

Carly: Robin just IMed me this from her office: “all i hear is like, people crying. like, who the fuck is crying now? i can tell this show is lame from two rooms away. write that down.”
Laneia: Thumbs up Robin.

Watching this scene again without those cynical assholes, I felt slightly emotionally moved. SLIGHTLY.


Here we are. At the scene of the future disaster.

Carly: Oh Stamie. don’t kill her mother. Please.
Riese: Coffee shop. Tough crowd.
Carly: Behave, gurl.

Carly: oh shiiiitttt. ABORT. ABORT.
Laneia: TRACY
Riese: this was a bad idea. TRACY
Laneia: SUCH A MISTAKE BABY


Carly: TRACY. GURL.
Riese: LEVEL WITH US HERE
Carly: NOT GOOD.
Riese: WE’RE FRIENDS. TRACY
Laneia: Yeah friends prepare friends for cock jokes.
Jess: Tracy looks thrilled.

Tracy’s Mom can’t “do this thing.” This thing where she calls Stamie anything besides Tracy’s “best friend,” Beetlejuice, or Cunt Face. Tracy says reality isn’t about skipping off into the sunset. That’s so able-ist. I’m done with you, Autostraddle. There’s no vegan visibility here besides Miss April.

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Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2837 articles for us.

64 Comments

  1. sorry, those pants raquel was wearing were the same pants romi was wearing when she raped whitney in the creamed corn.

    in case you were wondering where raquel has been, i think that answers your questions.

  2. I’ve finally registered to show my love and appreciation for these hilarious recaps. Brava to you, Riese! And Laneia’s g-chat contributions are especially priceless.

    Is it terrible to admit that the only thing that caught my attention during this episode was Whitney’s possession of a shopping cart? See in Canada, shopping carts will automatically go into a “lock down” mode when a customer attempts to take the cart beyond the proprietors parking lot. This doesn’t occur in America? How fascinating. Yes, this is pretty much all I got out of episode 8 (well, maybe with the exception of Jill/Nikki/Tracy/Stamie’s storylines).

  3. So for the first half of the recap, upon reading the captioning/subtitles on the screenshots, I thought they were fake ones you made up. And then I realized they actually happened. o_O

  4. This show is such a train wreck; I can’t take my eyes off of it. At first I wanted it to go away, now I’m hoping they renew it. Seeing Angel shoot Rose down on national TV was priceless. Am I the only one who laughs hysterically watching this mess.?

    Thanks for the recaps. Hoping there’s a Scarlett interview on the way.

  5. The magic gathering card killed me, I’m barely recovering and my tea went through my nose, cool and not cool at the same time but thanks for the LOLZ! :D

    I need to watch that outrageous episode now… I’ve changed my process, first I read YOUR recap, then I watch it.

    PS : ITS FASHION WEEK!

  6. I laughed so hard at Rose’s face when Mikey proposed. I love the screen-shots! Also, why is it that the cast are the most excited/only ones that stood up and screamed, when they don’t even know her?

    • I don’t know why the other cast members are excited, but on Rosie’s radio show, Rose said she has known Mikey for 10 years. I think Whitney said she already knew Rose and Mikey too? My mind may be filling in the gaps.

      Omg, what if IFC incepted me?!

  7. riese, you have a very little mistake on this part (which is totally understandable): “WHAT? RAPE?! How can a girl not wearing a strap-on be raped by a girl wearing a strap-on? Am I being closed-minded?”

    • “If anyone ever proposed to me that publicly I would refuse to ever see them again. Ever.”

      This has been my long-standing position. Because

      a) Such a public proposal is justthisside of manipulative — like, how exactly could I say ‘no’ with this many people watching, without them all thinking I’m a bitch forever?

      b) If you either don’t know me well enough to know how much I’d hate it, or you know but don’t care because YOU WANT TO DO THIS ROMANTIC THING OMG, then we should never be married ever because you are a fuckhead.

      • you know what i just remembered, didn’t they almost get married in Vegas? So like, obviously the “let’s agree to get married” thing is old news right? Sometimes I think Ilene just puts shit out there like we’ll forget what happened before. And I suppose in this case she’s um, right.

  8. “I Know it Was That Bitch Ilene, She Is Always Trying to Tell Stories About Blackouts”

    I died when I read that! I totally pictured IFC sneaking off and unplugging the lights. And kudos to you guys for being able to sit through the LAFASHIONWEEKBIGGESTPRODUCTIONEVER scenes b/c I just cannot handle Mickey screen time. Dear Lord. Can you imagine if LAFASHIONWEEK had actually lasted a whole week? My ears start to bleed just thinking about it.

  9. I cannot believe that you quoted empire records today. Well, I can actually, because there are many reasons like this that we are friends…but I actually woke up this morning thinking “I wonder whatever happened to Rory Cochran? Because Ethan Embry ended up doing that Vegas Vacation movie, but I never saw Rory again??” and THEN THIS. my favorite movie quoted in the best and most appropriate way ever.

  10. Every bad lesbian decision for me always begins with a gay boy. They make everything lousy with their andro-appeal and their unwanted penises and eyeliner and shit.

    Knee touching is probably third on my Bad Decision list.

  11. First of all: loved the men with hats ref
    second: do you guys read pajiba.com? because of the Empire Records ref, they have been giving lots of love to that movie in the last week. Anyway, this show must go down in history as the worst show evah, seriously it is ridiculous and I cannot believe people actually wanna be portrayed on tv like this…The only good thing that came from this show are the recaps here and on AE.

  12. omfg did romi know she had been accused of rape when she hung out with whitney?

    I can’t think of anything lower than using rape to try and cover the fact you had consensual sex with someone, to someone else that you’re trying to keep interested.

    what a failure of a lesbian.

  13. Just like Stamie is thankfor for Tracy’s mom’s uterus, I am eternally grateful that something as wonderful as these recaps has been born from something as horrifying as TRLW. You guys are the best.

    • 1. i watch it the first time when it’s on – 1 hr + 1 watch
      2. i try to remember how to make my computer auto-screencap again, usually forget, this takes about an hour and requires watching The Big C preview 500+ times – 1 hr + .005 watch
      3. computer auto-screencaps, during which i sometimes listen to start making an outline, but sometimes lie on my bed and cry – 1 hr
      4. formatting and selecting of g-chat – 2.5 hrs
      5. go through screencaps (which is basically like watching it again on silent) to pick the best ones for recap – 2.5 hrs + 1 watch
      6. format with line breaks, go scene-by-scene to outline/commentary/transcribe/describe until i start crying, usually get about 20 minutes through – 3 hours + .33 watch
      7. next 10 minutes of show writing/graphicing/formatting – 3 hrs + .15 watch
      8. next 30 minutes of show (leaving about 5 minutes at the end which i figure i can do when i’m done with the rest of it, at which point i will be so euphoric that it will ‘go faster’), pausing almost every 10-15 minutes to solicit a graphic or make another graphic or complain – 5 hrs + .40 watch
      9. put into wordpress, additional html – 1 hr
      10. upload photos into wordpress, do more html + formatting + graphic-making, finish watching for real this time – 5-7 hrs, depending on strength of internet connection, .10 watch
      11. final read-through/edits/commentary – 2 hrs
      12. misc re-watches for additional transcripition or graphic capturing – 1 watch, 1 hr
      13. inevitable disaster of out-of-order scenes, html apocalypse, lack of ability to be funny – 1.5 hours

      total – 5 watches, 28 hours

  14. umm… why do you keep watching this show? it’s trashier then trash. and quite frankly painful to watch. and while entertaining, your re-caps are almost as painful. These women need to get over themselves.

  15. ya know, I was just thinking about how there aren’t any cats on the show right before the recap pointed out it is only dogs. I feel like cats would be better than those little cute but panting things.

  16. I think it’s in Laneia’s best interest to never watch this show again.
    She sounded really upset, and I like her. She seems nice.

    That being said, I once again made a scene at work reading the Lolapalooza that is your recaps. Thanks for taking one for the team guys. You’re giving us a good laugh and keeping us from watching this awful show.

  17. in the interest of relating everything to harry potter, this: “There’s a hole in the bag. Whitney’s used up her hole-plugging skills for the week. This scene’s a reminder of how the universe constantly provides you with physical opportunities to regret what you did last night.” made me laugh. and reminded me of this: “harry can’t help but notice the coincidence that last night he ate spaghetti. it’s funny to him that what’s trying to kill him on the outside is just like what’s nourishing him on the inside.”

  18. i just want to take a moment to give some love to the graphics in this recap. especially the whiteboard that explains what rose is getting real about.

    i cried real tears of LOL when i read this in the library. had to excuse myself to the restroom.

  19. Alyssa is my favorite. She should be on the show more.

    Tracy’s mom is so scary. How may times did she need to say “GOT YOU!” when she came to the door? She seems like a real bitch.

    Also, thanks so much for pushing through these recaps even though it kills your soul. Or maybe RAPES your soul?

  20. “Well, that was fun, say Stamie and Tracy. Next time, let’s go to a Cunnilingus Workshop at Babeland, or take Mom camping at MichFest, or just Ice her.” I lol’d so hard at that. Quick question though, has anyone been Iced on tv yet? Cuz if not those are waters that must be charted.

  21. whitney keeps talking about how she’s being honest like so so so so so so HONEST. i’m glad she’s on an honesty kick. good for her. since when is okay to be an asshole as long as you’re honest? an honest asshole is still an asshole.

  22. Is anybody else in the “I’m so excited/I’m so scared” Jessie Spano place about tomorrow night? The REAL IFC will be on Live Lounge “answering questions” after TRLW finale… there is so much potential for good and/or evil. Well, mostly evil.

  23. Just one more to go… I will sadly miss the aftermaths from all of you . Way better than the jaw droppingly unreal lesbians of LA. SAD in soddom & gommora, otherwise known as Holland ,that the recapas are coming to an end. Cést la Riese!

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