Tonight’s episode of The Real L Word really defied expectations. The cast saved seventeen babies from the unforgivable savage claws of a multi-pronged laser-beamed shark attack. Nikki’s magical tears transformed into sapphire bunnies and her compassion healed Natalie’s emotional wounds. Jill and Whitney took out the trash and cured cancer (ALL OF THE CANCERS), Rose and Papi switched bodies like in Freaky Friday, Mikey forgot to plug in her lamp (and then she bumped it!) which lead to a forest fire that was eventually put out by Dani Campbell, and Stamie’s children attacked Tracy but she was saved by Bill and Ted from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure (and its notably less successful sequel, Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey).
So anyhow, we were pretty excited. By “we” I mean me (Riese), DJ Carlytron, Executive Editor Laneia, and Senior Editor Celebrity Handler Jess. Yup. That’s a lot of bitches for one g-chat. But like, we just… you know….
Carly: I got drunk during True Blood! Also I realized something. Romi got her feather earring inspiration from —
Carly: Lafayette. We need a side-by-side graphic. He’s been wearing one feather earring lately.
Carly: Yes, on True Blood.
Riese: Oh! I thought she got it from her “ancestors.”
Carly: Well, either or.
Laneia: Both. ALL OF THE ANCESTORS!
That’s Revlon’s New Shade “Vicodin & Liquor”
Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “Straight men ask the darndest things”!
This weeks question:
Do you cry during sex? Like during the first time?
The first time Nikki had sex with a lady, it was “such an emotional experience” that she did cry. Hey, it’s your Passion Party and you’ll cry if you want to.
In Whitney’s case, the crying happened four months later when it showed up on premium cable, much to Jess’s Mom’s surprise. Therfore, she’s stunned by the question:
Whitney: “What? What the fuck kind of question is that? Uh — do people cry? I should ask you that? No. Thank God. I do not cry when I come. Is that why guys keep tissues next to their bed? This whole time I didn’t know. I thought it was for something else.”
Have you ever awoken from a sex-induced tear-stained coma and remembered, suddenly, how the night before you’d done the horizontal mombo with a lezbro who’d refused to remove either her socks or her sunglasses? AWKWARD.
Mikey: “When girls cry during sex, AWKWARD. I don’t even know what to do. Why are they crying? It’s supposed to be a happy moment. What do you do? You can’t get out of the room fast enough.”
Who Would Run Away From This Face?
Tracy did not cry the first time she had sex with a woman. She smiled. And as aforementioned; when Tracy’s smiling, the whole world smiles with her.
Nikki: “Yeah, Jill cries.”
Jill: “I HAVE cried during sex. It’s not often, but I have.”
Riese: Is everyone ready? Laneia how do you feel?
Jess: I feel partially queasy.
Riese: Laneia. Are you here? Are you crying? Did you just have sex?
Laneia: This is so dumb.
Jess: Jenny cried when she had sex with Marina. Is this supposed to be a throwback to that?
Laneia: My sense of humor is gone.
Carly: I’m drunk you guys, so I’m going to be funnier than normal. just fyi.
Riese: And also it’s fashion week!
Did you know that Whitney’s roommate’s band “Love Darling” sings the theme song? Jess does. Jess knows everything. She Majored in Real.
The “Previously On” takes so long, I ended up aging, losing my memory via zombie attack, and returning to see Whitney’s puzzling face:
In case you forgot! Anyhow, Jezebel said queer ladies can’t be sluts so, case closed.
Carly: Oh please don’t show this again. “I am a pussy slut”
Laneia: What other kinds of sluts are there?
Riese: Face-sluts, who kiss everyone.
Laneia: I might be a sushi slut.
We pick up exactly where we left off!
Cry it out, Nat. Cry it out. Look, you’ve got a sweet-looking girl nuzzling you like a puppy RIGHT NOW, switch it up!
Meanwhile, on the Upper West Side – Rose meets up with ex-girlfriend Angel in what appears to be the Holiday Inn Lounge, where it’s last call for alcohol.
Carly: How many days after last week does this episode take place?
Riese: Two hours.
Carly: It’s like Gossip Girl, with the weird time spans.
Laneia: This is making me want to do something… like… idk. Change the channel. Or buy a dog.
Carly: Drink more?
Nat wouldn’t approve, but Rose could not resist Angel’s song, JUST LIKE IN RENT, which is NOT a coincidence. Rose is drawn to Angel like a moth to a lava-lamp. Angel makes Rose “feel better” and puts “things” “in perspective.”
Angel: “Rose, I know you better than anybody does. You moved on really fast. Why is that? You don’t know? Rebound. You can’t be alone. Right? You’re still the same. You’ll never change.”
This makes absolutely no sense based on everything else we’ve been told about Rose so far, obviously Ilene could ret-con a cabinet. Rose remains simultaneously scared by & laughing at Angel.
And If It Helps, I’d Say I Feel a Little Worse Than I Did When We Met
Rose: You know that you and I had always established that we would be there for each other.
Angel: We never established this when we broke up. When we broke up it was a horrible breakup... I’ve always known that you’d call me if anything ever happened to your Grandma.
Perhaps Rose desires reconciliation because it’ll heal Grandma?
Carly: THEIR KNEES ARE TOUCHING
Riese: I think it’s meaner to cheat on your girlfriend on TV than it is to do it not on TV.
Carly: EVERY BAD LEZBO DECISION STARTS WITH KNEES TOUCHING.
Laneia: I hate all people.
Carly: Rose, do not cheat on Nat on TV! That is just in poor taste.
Why Are You Like This? Like, How You ARE
In the car, Rose explains that she’s just trying to “be real” with Angel and Angel doesn’t exactly go down like Rayanne Graff bolting into Jordan Catalano’s Red Ride.
Instead, Angel finds herself challenged by Rose’s inattention to detail and refusal to ever expand descriptions of her feelings beyond 7-8 vague generalities. Can I get a Proper Noun up in here? Does she order “you know, lunch,” at Burger King?
Rose: I am trying to be as real as I possibly can be across the board.
Angel: About what?
Rose: About everything.
Angel: About WHAT?
Rose: About you, about everybody.
Angel: What are you being real about?
What is it that you need, Angel. Do you need us to spell it out for you? Okay.
Laneia: She’s trying to be real because she’s on The Real L Word.
Riese: Right, she’s not being polite.
Laneia: I want her to elbow her in the face and/or neck.
Riese: Rose would like to vagina her in the face and/or neck.
Angel calls Rose out for strolling on into her car the moment Angel started to move on. Rose says it’s ’cause Angel is one of her best friends, duhsers. That should’ve been the episode’s opening question: “Has anyone ever said they were your best friend while simultaneously undermining your existence? And then cried after lesbian sex, whatever the fuck that is?”
Angel: “It’s always about you and what you need, and it’s never about anything else…. so go do what you do best and make amends with your girlfriend, tell her you needed “closure” to carry on your rapport with her. I know this line. So just go.”
Rose takes Angel’s advice and relays Angel’s suggested cover story to Nat and, BONUS! to the camerapeople in her recap/interview. This girl is smooth like butter/Papi.
There’s the little issue of the blow-up pool, a few holiday food drives’ worth of creamed corn, some ambiguously generous spoonfuls of “lube,” and the overall pain of the morning after you fucked a girl with a strap-on on national TV while your other girlfriend stood outside, drinking tequila out of the bottle.
Riese: OH EW.
Carly: Oh good, Whitney time. Barf.
How Else Can I Relax When I Know Something So Unfair/Smelly?
Riese: Oh Whitney has a look on her face that is familiar to me because I have had it. I have had that look on my face, and it was sad, and I hated myself.
Carly: And Alyssa has cried a thousand tears.
How’s Tor-a the Explorer feeling this morning?
Just Throwin’ it Out There
Bet you forgot about those rapey cameras, right? Mhm. I know you did.
Laneia: I can’t believe Tor can still smile in her presence.
Carly: WHAT? RAPE?! How can a girl not wearing a strap-on be raped by a girl wearing a strap-on? Am I being closed-minded?
Riese: ROMI RAPED HER? ILENE DON’T FUCKING THROW THIS WORD AROUND HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU
Jess: Do I need another interview with Romi to discuss the rape allegations?
Riese: Also, she has it on tape. like they could probs use that tape in a court of law I imagine.
Oh Rape. RAPEITY RAPE RAPE RAPE. Rape rape. Let’s just throw that word around like a little nerf ball that gets tossed into the yard, eaten by a Secret Spy Dog, and thrown into the lake with Laura Palmer’s body and Dana’s other nipple.
Whitney seeks comfort the only way she knows how…
Fuck This Venue, Niksalot, Let’s Invest in Autostraddle!
Today’s the day that Nikki is “changing this whole wedding venue situation” before the house goes ‘bye-bye’ (following some kind of natural disaster or economic recovery). Nikki’s muzzling Jill up, sticking marshmallows in her ears, handcuffing her to their antique bed and going out there and buying Castle Rock Falling Water on the Hill so their wedding can be “magical.” You know what else is magical?
MAGIC THE GATHERING
Nikki sits in silence allowing her ‘wife-to-be’ to casually peruse the three potential wedding locations.
Jill Prefers Safari, Write That Down
Carly: That looks like Cherie Jaffe’s house.
Riese: It probably is.
Carly: I hope they get married and invite Shane so that she can smash a BMW into their ceremony.
Laneia: Don’t invite Whitney!
Riese: That house inspired Cherie Jaffe’s house, like how Rose inspired Papi.
Nikki successfully radiates True Love Mind Control onto Jill’s brain, rendering her capacities for financial reasoning mute. We’ve acquired an exclusive video of Nikki & Jill’s phone-call to Camilla the Wedding Planner:
Let’s head over to the Parking Lot in the Sky with Mikey the Robobiker, where the people are a BUSTLE OF ACTIVITY with only TWO DAYS LEFT TIL THE BIG DAY. What big day? Is it Bette & Tina’s wedding? The Ohio State Fair? The Spice Girls Reunion Tour? Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale? FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS IT’S
Big Top Mikey
Carly: Our [upcoming Autostraddle video] is going to be soooo good!
Riese: You guys we can’t talk about [that video] today! It’s two days until Fashion WeekDay!
Carly: Not today! Not on Rex Manning Day!
Riese: Fashion Week is the Poor Man’s Rex Manning Day.
Mikey informs us that THIS IS 100% MY BIGGEST PRODUCTION EVER (bigger than her penis? doubtful) and that THE TENTS ARE UP and THE ROOF IS UP and THE ROOF IS ON FIRE.
Mikey: “To stand underneath a 10,000 foot tent with a 20-foot rise in the center of the ceiling is fucking insane. I’m so excited.”
So that’s Raquel’s secret.
It Takes a Lot of Water to Look This Good
Tracy just worked out her bod, now it’s time to work out her soul. On the phone. With Mom.
Tracy: Do you wanna say Hi to my Mom?
Stamie: No, in my heart I say Hi to her every day. I say thank you. I thank her uterus every day.
Riese: Tracy looks nice in aqua.
Carly: She looks nice in everything/nothing. Deh. Stamie is eating with a little kid fork. Also, Dogwatch 2010: Yawning Dog.
Jess: Was the dog supposed to symbolize the audience?
Carly: The dogs always symbolize the audience/hope for a better day.
Tracy’s had a few talks with her Mom about the ghey thing but is still unsure about Mom’s potential Birthgay Party RSVP. Stamie rubs it in with a heartwarming tale of her parents’ first visit to LA and the glory of having girlfriend + parents under one roof. It’s no 10,000 foot tent/20-foot rise, but it’s something.
Tracy says Mom is making progress.
Tracy: Parents have a coming out process as well.
Don’t I Make You Wanna Be a Better Woman?
Rose is gonna have to do some “Oscar-award winning acting” to get Nat back from Nat’s Mom’s House/Hidwaway. Hopefully Rose’ll pick either Cher in “Moonstruck” or Sally Field in “Norma Rae.”
Carly: Nat has a ‘keep calm and carry on’ meme bike shirt, yikes.
Riese: That’s a new dog!
Carly: NEW DOG?!!! There are like a hundred dogs here all of a sudden.
Jess: The dogs are the Greek Chorus like in Shakespeare.
Riese: IT’S A ZOO!
Carly: ZOOBILEE ZOO!
Riese: Great show.
Carly: Such a great show.
Nat complains that it’s not fair for Rose to just drop everything/Nat when she’s mad. Rose explains that Rose had to look out for Rose for once, as opposed to per ushe when she’s looking out for all of G-d’s creatures, like Snow White or Alyssa.
Just Come Home, We Look Good Together in Photos
Riese: Rose is just always pretty sure that she’s right. That’s her problem. She never budges.
Carly: There are many problems with Rose.
Jess: Is it worth noting that there are NO CATS in this show.
Nat says Rose admits she’d dump Nat for doing what Rose does to her. Then they go home together like two birds of a feather.
Carly: Cut to fashion week, I don’t even care anymore.
Laneia: YES PLEASE.
Riese: I know! Let’s get this fashion show on the road.
White Trash Party –> Actual Trash
It’s time for a “secret mission” to “fuckin’ haul those lube bags” says Whitme. Hell yeah it is.
Riese: Whittmey. Whitmememememememe.
There’s a hole in the bag. Whitney’s used up her hole-plugging skills for the week. This scene’s a reminder of how the universe constantly provides you with physical opportunities to regret what you did last night. Bruises, broken arms, cans cans everywhere and giant leaking garbage bags of lube. Mother Nature wants you to dwell, otherwise Disasterparties would clean themselves, amirite?
Carly: I love secret missions!
Jess: I can’t believe this is a television show.
Riese: This is way more white trash than the party.
Carly: Don’t they have a hose? Can’t they just hose it down?
Laneia: I want to die. Now. Please. FORFEIT
Riese: DOUBLE BAG IT.
Laneia: NO SHIT.
Jess: Ok the lube dragging is the moment the show jumped the shark.
Riese: White trash would know to double bag it.
Whitney: We’re just two young ladies —
Alyssa: Lubes ahoy!
[They arrive at the dumpster]
Whitney: We don’t need that cart.
Alyssa: No, no.
Whitney: Fuck the cart.
Alyssa: We’ll get another cart.
Whitney: We’re outta here.