Real L Word Episode 108 Recap: Runway Bridezilla Attacks Zombies, Eats Crybabies, is a Lesbian

WHAT WEEK IS IT?

SHARK WEEK?

RAMADAN?

BLACK HISTORY MONTH?

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This reminds me of that time in 1989 when I had the biggest, best, most amazing 8th birthday party for Marie Lyn Bernard there that day, September 23rd, 1989. It was BOMB ASS. The entire cast of Dude Where’s My Car showed up. SO WEIRD. I got it via time machine. The car was a DeLorean. I know. Fancy right. That was before we lost the farm.

THE DAY HAS COME THE DAY HAS COME

IT’S

FASHION

WEEK

MOTHERFUCKERS!

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GUESS WHAT WEEK IT IS MIKEY KING OF STYLE

MIKEY’S HAIR = FASHION WEEK

GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH FOR FASHION:

And theennnn the lights go out on the red carpet, proving that Ian is not, as formerly labeled, “the best production guy ever.” What about all the celebrities! Hellen Keller is gonna trip over Stevie Wonder’s piano!

Carly: “When are you gonna unveil the Magnum, Mikey?”
Riese: Outlet. Wall.
Carly: Plug the lights in, Mikey.. that’s all.
Riese: How can Mikey even tell? It’s all dark to her in those shades.

I Know it Was That Bitch Ilene, She Is Always Trying to Tell Stories About Blackouts

Laneia: What are they going to do? For electricity?
Riese: This is not like when Alice & Shane stole the 17 reasons sign. It’s not like that at all.


I’ve Got 15 More Bad Ideas Where Puppetry of the Penis Came From

Well, that was fun, say Stamie and Tracy. Next time, let’s go to a Cunnilingus Workshop at Babeland, or take Mom camping at MichFest, or just Ice her. Meanwhile, someone mentions a “Michelle,” Tracy’s roommate.

Riese: I wanna meet the roommmate! Jess, find Michelle.
Carly: WHERE IS MICHELLE.
Riese: Interview that bitch. I bet she’s hot, hot girls always have hot roommates.
Jess: Her name is Michelle Fleury.
Riese: Jess knows everything, of course.
Carly: Wait srsly? She’s from Curl Girls.

Laneia: Oh is she the one I liked? I LIKED HER.
Jess: I majored in Tracy and Stamie.
Carly: I majored in LOGO.
Riese: OMG. WHY ISN’T SHE IN THIS SHOW? Interview her, Jess.
Jess: I love that now we’re interviewing people who aren’t even on the show but are just mentioned once in theory.

Tracy wants her Mom to meet the kids to confirm that Mom really does hate gay people when she refuses to get Daughtry some juice. (Baby steps, Daughtry. You’re a baby. Step on over to the mini-fridge and grab yourself a Juicy Juice.)


See This Face? Sara Is Gonna Make Out With It, Sucker!

So Whitney & Romi are having dinner so Whitney can say that “being friends didn’t work” and she’s “not looking for a relationship” and that Sara’s moving here. Romi says they just had sex. None of this information gets anyone anywhere.

Laneia: They have GOT to just stop talking to each other forever! They should never speak again! You guys, how many lesbians live in LA?
Riese: Like 65,000.
Laneia: Are there not more for Whitney to fuck?
Riese: Yeah there’s like maybe 64,997 more.

“Yeah, I have feelings for Romi,” says Whitney. But also for Sara, Heather Locklear, and Carmen De La Pica Morales.

Laneia: YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOUR REFLECTION WHITNEY
Riese: IN THE CORNEAS OF THE GIRLS YOU FUCK
Laneia: YES

But whatever, who cares. MOVE ON DOT ORG. Whitney’s shifted focus. She’s feeling maternal, so she’s gonna start hitting up the pre-teen set. The girls that keep photos of Ashley & Spencer in their lockers.

JK, she’s gonna have a baby at Dinah Shore. No really:


Carly: Whitney speaks in Promos: “The truth will be revealed… at Dinah Shore”

Like most of Whitney’s heart-to-hearts, it ends with lots of vagina imagery and no discernable progress.


These are the notes I have on this scene:

18. Mikey and the lights

show finally happens

mikey not doing lights for nikki/jill wedding

Moses Needs to Part This Sucker STAT

Mikey swears a lot, says she’s never hiring Ian again, and runs around like she’s Will Smith saving the world in Independence Day or something. Anyhow. Fixed.

Carly: HHAHAHA WE WERE RIGHT
Riese: “Full on MELTDOWN MODE”
Carly: IT WASN’T PLUGGED INTO THE WALL.
Riese: This is so strange. And unlikely.
Carly: THIS IS SUCH BS.
Laneia: Um yes. IT’S OVER.
Carly: There is NO WAY you’d have a massive event like this with these lights without several generators. FUCK THIS.
Laneia: IT’S ALL OVER.
Riese: It’s not that hard.
Carly: uefgifgdshiugf
Riese: Seriously, like who in their right mind would not prepare for this.

Your Sunglasses Look Slightly Less Weird Now. This is Good.

Mikey says it was the longest 20 minutes of her whole life. Coincidentally it was the longest two minutes of our lives. We have something in common with Mikey now besides a healthy collection of Hanes white v-neck tees, although ours are slightly lopsided ’cause that’s how they sell them at the dollar store.

Jess: I AM RELIEVED MIKEY.
Laneia: Even longer than the 20 minutes when her friend was shot in front of her as a child?

Back inside, Mikey hob-nobs with her celesbifriends.

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Riese: Mena Suvari asks about the sunglasses. FINALLY. SOMEBODY.
Carly: Mena Suvari was at the NewNowNext awards which means she has A LOT OF FREE TIME.

Not Gay Necessarily, But Played One on TV

Carly: Ooo look at her GLOVE!
Riese: And her Old Navy headphones!
Laneia: That’s cute.

HI I’M MIKEY INVENTOR OF THE HAMBURGER

Mikey, using the voice of the first person to ever read Three Little Bears in English to deaf Chinese orphans, announces the launch of Fashion Week!!! WWAAAAA

Riese: I can’t watch. I’m serious.
Carly: Oh no do not let her talk. Please.
Laneia: Don’t yell into a mic. Good God.
Carly: This is like someone’s little kid stole the mic and ran on stage.
Riese: I feel ANTM Anxiety, like somebody is going to trip.

Ava the Dava

Like everything Mikey does, this was the best Fashion Week Event to ever happen since the dinosaur modeled that tiny hat.


I Can Put My Finger in the Flame And Not Get Burned SEEEEE

Stamie & Tracy & Tracy’s Mom and Tracy’s sister are gonna all hang out to do their nails and everything. JK, Tracy’s Mom is gonna smackdown the “meeting Stamie’s kids ideas.” It brings Stamie back to not being comfortable with her sexuality, which brings me back to this.

Riese: Stamie is being me. It didn’t work out for me. Just fyi.
Carly: Stamie gurl, just suck it up. It’s a few hours. Don’t push it.
Riese: It makes my blood boil though, it’s so insulting!
Carly: I know, it is!
Laneia: Yeah I never understand how NOT showing love will make people feel better. it’s opposite-logic.
Carly: Agreed.
Riese: But also, it’s not hard to restrain. It’s just the principal. I MEAN PRINCIPLE!
Laneia: Principals are so cool. They have all those extra erasers.
Riese: And rulers.
Carly: And those pens that have two sides.

The Unbearable Heaviness of Being Gay

Stamie: It is hard for me to not show affection to Tracy. I love hugging her and kissing her. You haven’t seen her naked, she’s fucking HOT.


GUESS WHAT IT STILL IS? FASHION WEEK!

Alyssa is writing ‘Don’t Fuck Me’ on Whitney’s eyelids, for the sake of the fine ladies of Fashion Week.

Chi it Up

Nikki notices that they did such a good job with the tent. Flares of inner panic stoke inside Jill’s gut regarding the possibility of Wedding Tenting

Laneia: Oh now it looks like The Hills. This I would watch.
Riese: Nobody else wanted to come to fashion week, so they had to invite the cast.
Carly: Oh let me guess, the entire cast will be at a fake event?
Laneia: PUT THEM IN A ROOM TOGETHER!

Riese: “We’re gonna be stars soon enough, just take photos.”
Laneia: “They did such a good job making this appear real, right?”

Hey Hey The Gang’s All Here

Mikey “holds the show” for Raquel, who is running 10-15 minutes late surprise:

GODDAMIT RAQUEL. Can’t you be on time for anything?  I SAID NO WIRE HANGERS.

Jess: Does Raquel have a secret family or what?
Carly: Raquel gurl get a watch.
Riese: Mikey, stop expecting her to be on time. Raquel is just a mirage.

Laneia: She needs to do that thing when you tell them it’s 30 mins earlier than it is.
Riese: She was busy blowing her hair. That thing she does.
Carly: She was busy bleaching those jeans.

Taking Photos for fyeahreallword.tumblr.com

Riese: This is itunes stock music. Stamie is like “this is insipid.”
Carly: I bet the name of this track is something amazing like “Rock N Rolla” or “Fashion Craze.”

Carly: I want Nikki and Jill to be really judgey to Mikey.
Laneia: Yes, because you know that they are.
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Mikey: Tonight’s show was amazing. I truly feel this is the biggest and best thing I’ve ever done in my whole life. I’m not really one that would ever say that I’m proud of myself, but I’m actually proud of myself.

Just when you think the worst is over, Mikey runs up on stage with the eagerness of a freshly Bar Mitzvahed lesbian with a sleeve tattoo.  She calls out Raquel and we scream too loud to hear the rest.

Mikey: Tonight was so amazing that I cannot even stop myself from sharing the biggest moment of my life. Do we have a Raquel Casadega in the house? Raquel Casadega? You need to move your car, you’re blocking valet.

Mikey gets down on one knee as Raquel trots out, bra strap waving in the wind:


Jess: This show would be better if it was subtitled by Stamie’s internal monologue
Riese: ohngaodgjkjadhd;gdfjhganohnon ohnonohnhohno
Laneia: YESSSSSSSSS JESS. OH GOD. NO. NOOOOO
Riese: You guys seriously I am covering my eyes
Carly: OH NO. It is TIME.

Mikey: Will you marry me?

“Whatever motherfucker it’s an excuse for me to GET LOUD LIKE I WANTED TO ALL ALONG!”

Mom is Flip-Camming = She Has Accepted The Gay

Riese: Prop 8. OMG. YOU JUST AGREED TO HAVE A BIG PARTY WITH ME AND WE’LL CALL IT A “WEDDING”!
Laneia: BRA STRAP.
Carly: I am mortified and am not entirely sure why?
Riese: A BIG PARTY! WE NEED A SPACE!
Laneia: They’ll need a tent. Maybe a parking lot. Extension cords!

White Trash Beautiful!

Mikey has one thing to say:

Raquel says this gesture was v.meaningful ’cause it’s hard for Mikey to “express her feelings,” and Mikey says that now she and Raquel can start a family and live the American Dream, just like Whitmey and her Dinah Shore babies and Portia De Rossi De Generes.

Riese: Mikey always talks loud. Why is that special?
Laneia: Right?
Riese: For her to talk loud?

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Next week: The girls go to Dinah Shore.

Julie Goldman FTW – Autostraddle Battle of the Lesbian Webseries from autostraddle on Vimeo.

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Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2837 articles for us.

64 Comments

  1. sorry, those pants raquel was wearing were the same pants romi was wearing when she raped whitney in the creamed corn.

    in case you were wondering where raquel has been, i think that answers your questions.

  2. I’ve finally registered to show my love and appreciation for these hilarious recaps. Brava to you, Riese! And Laneia’s g-chat contributions are especially priceless.

    Is it terrible to admit that the only thing that caught my attention during this episode was Whitney’s possession of a shopping cart? See in Canada, shopping carts will automatically go into a “lock down” mode when a customer attempts to take the cart beyond the proprietors parking lot. This doesn’t occur in America? How fascinating. Yes, this is pretty much all I got out of episode 8 (well, maybe with the exception of Jill/Nikki/Tracy/Stamie’s storylines).

  3. So for the first half of the recap, upon reading the captioning/subtitles on the screenshots, I thought they were fake ones you made up. And then I realized they actually happened. o_O

  4. This show is such a train wreck; I can’t take my eyes off of it. At first I wanted it to go away, now I’m hoping they renew it. Seeing Angel shoot Rose down on national TV was priceless. Am I the only one who laughs hysterically watching this mess.?

    Thanks for the recaps. Hoping there’s a Scarlett interview on the way.

  5. The magic gathering card killed me, I’m barely recovering and my tea went through my nose, cool and not cool at the same time but thanks for the LOLZ! :D

    I need to watch that outrageous episode now… I’ve changed my process, first I read YOUR recap, then I watch it.

    PS : ITS FASHION WEEK!

  6. I laughed so hard at Rose’s face when Mikey proposed. I love the screen-shots! Also, why is it that the cast are the most excited/only ones that stood up and screamed, when they don’t even know her?

    • I don’t know why the other cast members are excited, but on Rosie’s radio show, Rose said she has known Mikey for 10 years. I think Whitney said she already knew Rose and Mikey too? My mind may be filling in the gaps.

      Omg, what if IFC incepted me?!

  7. riese, you have a very little mistake on this part (which is totally understandable): “WHAT? RAPE?! How can a girl not wearing a strap-on be raped by a girl wearing a strap-on? Am I being closed-minded?”

    • “If anyone ever proposed to me that publicly I would refuse to ever see them again. Ever.”

      This has been my long-standing position. Because

      a) Such a public proposal is justthisside of manipulative — like, how exactly could I say ‘no’ with this many people watching, without them all thinking I’m a bitch forever?

      b) If you either don’t know me well enough to know how much I’d hate it, or you know but don’t care because YOU WANT TO DO THIS ROMANTIC THING OMG, then we should never be married ever because you are a fuckhead.

      • you know what i just remembered, didn’t they almost get married in Vegas? So like, obviously the “let’s agree to get married” thing is old news right? Sometimes I think Ilene just puts shit out there like we’ll forget what happened before. And I suppose in this case she’s um, right.

  8. “I Know it Was That Bitch Ilene, She Is Always Trying to Tell Stories About Blackouts”

    I died when I read that! I totally pictured IFC sneaking off and unplugging the lights. And kudos to you guys for being able to sit through the LAFASHIONWEEKBIGGESTPRODUCTIONEVER scenes b/c I just cannot handle Mickey screen time. Dear Lord. Can you imagine if LAFASHIONWEEK had actually lasted a whole week? My ears start to bleed just thinking about it.

  9. I cannot believe that you quoted empire records today. Well, I can actually, because there are many reasons like this that we are friends…but I actually woke up this morning thinking “I wonder whatever happened to Rory Cochran? Because Ethan Embry ended up doing that Vegas Vacation movie, but I never saw Rory again??” and THEN THIS. my favorite movie quoted in the best and most appropriate way ever.

  10. Every bad lesbian decision for me always begins with a gay boy. They make everything lousy with their andro-appeal and their unwanted penises and eyeliner and shit.

    Knee touching is probably third on my Bad Decision list.

  11. First of all: loved the men with hats ref
    second: do you guys read pajiba.com? because of the Empire Records ref, they have been giving lots of love to that movie in the last week. Anyway, this show must go down in history as the worst show evah, seriously it is ridiculous and I cannot believe people actually wanna be portrayed on tv like this…The only good thing that came from this show are the recaps here and on AE.

  12. omfg did romi know she had been accused of rape when she hung out with whitney?

    I can’t think of anything lower than using rape to try and cover the fact you had consensual sex with someone, to someone else that you’re trying to keep interested.

    what a failure of a lesbian.

  13. Just like Stamie is thankfor for Tracy’s mom’s uterus, I am eternally grateful that something as wonderful as these recaps has been born from something as horrifying as TRLW. You guys are the best.

    • 1. i watch it the first time when it’s on – 1 hr + 1 watch
      2. i try to remember how to make my computer auto-screencap again, usually forget, this takes about an hour and requires watching The Big C preview 500+ times – 1 hr + .005 watch
      3. computer auto-screencaps, during which i sometimes listen to start making an outline, but sometimes lie on my bed and cry – 1 hr
      4. formatting and selecting of g-chat – 2.5 hrs
      5. go through screencaps (which is basically like watching it again on silent) to pick the best ones for recap – 2.5 hrs + 1 watch
      6. format with line breaks, go scene-by-scene to outline/commentary/transcribe/describe until i start crying, usually get about 20 minutes through – 3 hours + .33 watch
      7. next 10 minutes of show writing/graphicing/formatting – 3 hrs + .15 watch
      8. next 30 minutes of show (leaving about 5 minutes at the end which i figure i can do when i’m done with the rest of it, at which point i will be so euphoric that it will ‘go faster’), pausing almost every 10-15 minutes to solicit a graphic or make another graphic or complain – 5 hrs + .40 watch
      9. put into wordpress, additional html – 1 hr
      10. upload photos into wordpress, do more html + formatting + graphic-making, finish watching for real this time – 5-7 hrs, depending on strength of internet connection, .10 watch
      11. final read-through/edits/commentary – 2 hrs
      12. misc re-watches for additional transcripition or graphic capturing – 1 watch, 1 hr
      13. inevitable disaster of out-of-order scenes, html apocalypse, lack of ability to be funny – 1.5 hours

      total – 5 watches, 28 hours

  14. umm… why do you keep watching this show? it’s trashier then trash. and quite frankly painful to watch. and while entertaining, your re-caps are almost as painful. These women need to get over themselves.

  15. ya know, I was just thinking about how there aren’t any cats on the show right before the recap pointed out it is only dogs. I feel like cats would be better than those little cute but panting things.

  16. I think it’s in Laneia’s best interest to never watch this show again.
    She sounded really upset, and I like her. She seems nice.

    That being said, I once again made a scene at work reading the Lolapalooza that is your recaps. Thanks for taking one for the team guys. You’re giving us a good laugh and keeping us from watching this awful show.

  17. in the interest of relating everything to harry potter, this: “There’s a hole in the bag. Whitney’s used up her hole-plugging skills for the week. This scene’s a reminder of how the universe constantly provides you with physical opportunities to regret what you did last night.” made me laugh. and reminded me of this: “harry can’t help but notice the coincidence that last night he ate spaghetti. it’s funny to him that what’s trying to kill him on the outside is just like what’s nourishing him on the inside.”

  18. i just want to take a moment to give some love to the graphics in this recap. especially the whiteboard that explains what rose is getting real about.

    i cried real tears of LOL when i read this in the library. had to excuse myself to the restroom.

  19. Alyssa is my favorite. She should be on the show more.

    Tracy’s mom is so scary. How may times did she need to say “GOT YOU!” when she came to the door? She seems like a real bitch.

    Also, thanks so much for pushing through these recaps even though it kills your soul. Or maybe RAPES your soul?

  20. “Well, that was fun, say Stamie and Tracy. Next time, let’s go to a Cunnilingus Workshop at Babeland, or take Mom camping at MichFest, or just Ice her.” I lol’d so hard at that. Quick question though, has anyone been Iced on tv yet? Cuz if not those are waters that must be charted.

  21. whitney keeps talking about how she’s being honest like so so so so so so HONEST. i’m glad she’s on an honesty kick. good for her. since when is okay to be an asshole as long as you’re honest? an honest asshole is still an asshole.

  22. Is anybody else in the “I’m so excited/I’m so scared” Jessie Spano place about tomorrow night? The REAL IFC will be on Live Lounge “answering questions” after TRLW finale… there is so much potential for good and/or evil. Well, mostly evil.

  23. Just one more to go… I will sadly miss the aftermaths from all of you . Way better than the jaw droppingly unreal lesbians of LA. SAD in soddom & gommora, otherwise known as Holland ,that the recapas are coming to an end. Cést la Riese!

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