It’s a brand new day, week, month or season in sunny Los Angeles, California, and a pink-haired Romi Flinger has gathered her trinkets and hat to hit up The House of Whitney’s Exes.
So, Alyssa now lives with Rachel and Jaq and they’re all here today to revisit the portico and feign interest in Romi’s dirty deets. But first, seeing as we’re in the euphoric presence of at least four of Whit-me’s previous lovers, they must discuss Whit-me’s activities and whereabouts, namely her decision to “make it work” with Sarahara.
Romi laments the dissolution of her friendship with Whit-me:
Romi: “It’s Sara! Sara has corrupted her mind that I’m some sort of evil human being, and I’m still not comprehending why Sara thinks I’m so bad.”
Alyssa interviews that Sara’s uncomfortable with Romi and Whit-me being friends ’cause Whit-me and Romi might fingerbang again, or something? Sounds stupid. Anyhow, it’d seem Whitney’s Exes still aren’t hot on Sarahara’s jock.
Enough screwing around: all eyes on Romi. Her hair is bright pink, so that’s the rule.
Alyssa: “So what else has been going on in your life?”
Romi: “I’m dating someone.”
Alyssa & Rachel (softly): “wait whaaa–”
(Romi grins, laughs)
Alyssa: “Who are you dating?”
Romi: “I’ve been dating someone for over like six, seven months now –”
Alyssa: “Wait — who are you dating…?”
Jaq: “You were dating your ex, though?”
Jaq: “You’re dating her again?”
(Romi nods “no” and smiles)
Alyssa: “Who are you dating?”
Romi: “I’ve been dating my ex-boyfriend Jay and I’ve been keeping it a secret for months and I’m going to stop hiding it.”
Alyssa: “I’m judging you right now.”
She’s JK’ing, of course, and promptly explains that lesbians are quick to excommunicate bisexuals who “switch-hit” but she’s “not that guy” because she’s Alyssa The Whitney Whisperer, and she does everything right. Fact.
Alyssa: “As long as someone’s happy and they’re making decisions that are gonna enrich their lives, then I’m happy for them.”
Sidenote; if you live in the same city and are under the same contractual obligation to the same television network and make appearances at the same parties as all of your friends and you’ve managed to keep your boyfriend a secret from them for six entire months, then y’all aren’t very good friends!
Romi wants to know if she’s still allowed to talk about her sex life, because we can’t talk about TomKat forever.
Jaq: “I’m sure we’ve all sucked on a strap-on before, we all know how it goes.”
Romi: “Yeah, we all know how it is.”
Alyssa: “Um… NO.”
Alyssa: “No, never.”
Romi: “Well I got tired of that strap-on not working.”
Pro Tip: If you wanna keep Team Lezzer close to your wild heart and Team Bisexual close to your wild soul, you can’t go knocking girl-on-girl strap-on-related sexual practices as somehow inferior to your boyfriend’s penis-related practices! “I got tired of not being able to get legally married.” “I got tired of not being able to kiss my girlfriend in public.” This is like playing Oppression Olympics by just declaring yourself the winner and leaving the building.
Thus we zoom on over to Chez KaCor, where the radiant couple is discussing — surprise! — babies. They’ve even adorned their refrigerator with their own baby pictures to enhance the baby-centric babiness of Babyland (not to be confused with Babeland).
Kacy: “I know that a lot of people are like gahh gay parenting, whatever, but there’s so many people that are so excited about this, it’s just — everything is right.”
You wanna know how this makes me feel? Like this, that’s how:
KaCor inform the sister that the baby is a girl and they’re gonna name it Charlie, probs because of Dianna Agron.
Who’s ready for the cutest cuteness this side of the Mississippi St. Cute River of Cuteathority? I AM!
Cori: “The worst part of being pregnant has definitely been the morning sickness, the tiredness, the crazy cycle mood swings —”
(Kacy starts laughing)
(Cori starts laughing)
Kacy: “I have bite marks, literally, on my face, from having it being bit off — it’s A LOT.”
(Cori makes a face)
Kacy: “Look, see? Six months ago, that would’ve rolled right off her back. Might have even gotten a laugh. Now, it gets a look.”
Cori says Kacy takes great care of her and is particularly adept at applying lotion to her belly.
Elsewhere in Shady Sapphic Los Angeles, Whit-me’s at home getting some air for her hair when Alyssa calls her for the “Whit-me finds out that Romi Flinger is dating a dude” scene.
Following a halfhearted intro, Alyssa comes out with it:
Alyssa: “Her news was that she is dating a guy again.”
Whitney: “I mean, DUH.”
Alyssa: “You knew?”
Whitney: “I mean, no, but I knew — I have had a feeling she’s been hooking up with dudes the entire time! She’s not exclusive to the ladies, I’ve known that for sure.”
Alyssa: “She I guess got back together with Jay—”
Whitney: “I mean when I met Romi she was with him — she was with him when I met her.”
Whit-me’s got extra feelings and facial expressions for this golden moment of cinematic excellence, during which at some point Whitney calls Romi “Romi Flinger,” which as you’ve likely noted, I’ve adopted for the duration of this season.
Alyssa: “She didn’t want to say anything because she didn’t want all of us to sort of cast her out.”
Whitney: “Why would anyone cast her out for that reason? There are so many more to choose from!”
Reader: I laughed. This line made me laugh for a good 45 seconds. It was a perfect joke. Four for you, Whitney Mixter. Four for you.
This is what that might look like, by the way:
Later that night, Whit-me informs Sarahara that Romi Flinger is doing the horizontal mambo with a man named after a bird, and Sara’s all like:
Sara: “Romi will do anything that gets her attention. That’s what Romi does. Whether or not Romi wants to be with women or be with men — whatever keeps people talking about her, looking at her, that’s what she’s gonna do.”
Sara: “What is there to say?”
Sara: “She’s not gay.”
Ilene Chaiken cannot tell stories about bisexual people. It should just be illegal.
Let’s get bicoastal and head back to New York City, where we’re toasting to Hunter Valentine’s first show all together as a team!
Kiyomi declares “we’re rock solid now” and then adopts a terrifying facial expression to ask Somer, “What about YOU?”, to which Somer seems to respond with a slight-head-cock best described as a “Really Papi, Really?” facial expression.
“Are you jealous of our rehearsal time?” Kiyomi continues as Somer cocks her head to the other side. “Maybe you should come,” Kiyomi snarls.
Outside, Kiyomi and Somer are having a heated confrontation with body language that suggests they wanna fuck each other really bad, except actually they just wanna talk about their feelings really bad. Or, well, Somer does. Kiyomi’s busy.
Somer interviews that she’s used to being the Biggest Most Important Band Member like she is in her band Clinical Trials and that she and Kiyomi are “both a bit bratty” and “both alphas.” They’re also “both drunk,” I think, so this kinda just goes on…
Somer: “There’s a lot of factors that we’re dealing wth. We’re dealing with a new band, we’re dealing with new songs, we’re dealing with me giving up something else that I’ve been working on for a long time, and we’re giving up like, Donna and I are newly-married couple, we’re like a newly married couple—”
Kiyomi: “I know, we’ll figure it out together. And if we can’t figure it out together, I understand that you have to move on and do your own thing.”
You know how newly-married couples are. Thank you cards to write, joint tax returns to fill out, sex to consider having. They’ve just got a lot of shit going on. Speaking of shit going on… Ali & Donna are feeling thwarted on the other side of the room, so their ladies mosey back over for more one-on-one time —
Kiyomi: “I want some nookie. Come in the bathroom so I can attack you.”
Ali: “I’ll just have sex with someone else. Because we’re in a non-monogamous relationship so.”
Kiyomi: “Don’t be like that.”
Ali: “That’s your rule.”
Kiyomi: “Don’t be like that.”
Ali: “Baby, I wanna have sex with you.”
Kiyomi reminds Ali that she can do whatever she wants to do in the voice you use to say that if she does whatever she wants to do then Kiyomi will totally freak out.
Kiyomi: “If you wanna have sex with other people, you can have sex with other people.”
Ali: “Well, I will.”
Kiyomi: “Gross. I mean, you can do whatever you wanna do –”
Ali: “I know I can, and so can you.”
Kiyomi: “Yeah, that doesn’t mean that is’ not gonna make me sick if you are talking about it–”
Ali: “Yeah but you can too, and it’s your rule!”
Kiyomi: “It is my rule.”
G-dDAMN could I go for a Kiyomi Whisperer right now…
Laura: “I would like to say that Kiyomi’s middle name should’ve been “Drama.” I always think it’s funny when Kiyomi says oh my god that girl is just SO dramatic for me, and I’m like uhh — I think it might be you, just a little bitttt, you know?”
Back in Sunny Sapphic Los Angeles, Kelsey’s being filmed sitting at her laptop looking at photographs of Romi on facebook.
Kelsey: “I found out that Romi’s back with Jay. I’m more hurt at this point because it takes away from anything that she said to me about wanting to marry me, or wanting a life with me, and just so easily to be with a man. It just kinda repulses me.”
Regardless of Romi Flinger’s present desire to ride Jay’s pony, I’m pretty sure that “breaking up” is the moment in which you realize your significant other no longer wants to marry you or have a life with you. But whatever, it’s The Real L Word. Kelsey looks nice!
Elsewhere in Sunny Sapphic Los Angeles, Sarahara and “Sara’s friend Brandi” are hitting up one of Hollywood’s many half-empty restaurants to set up the Sahara/Whit-me marriage storyline.
You may recognize Brandi from The 2012 Autostraddle Calendar — she did hair & makeup and was featured as Miss August 2012! (Previously: Romi is Miss December 2011 & Francine is Miss June 2012) If you didn’t, that’s okay, I didn’t pick it up ’til the second time I saw the episode, so.
La la, blocks and bricks and blue and sunsets and lollipops and hernias and swimming pools and sticks and stones and bones and phones and loans selling seashells at the seashore, bla bla bla:
Brandi: “So what’s next? Babies?”
Sarahara: “Whitney’s about to turn 30. My career isn’t exactly where I want it to be. When it gets there, yes, but—”
Brandi: “Marriage before babies?”
Good question, you never know when you might get drunk and break into a sperm bank with a turkey baster in your back pocket, yannow?
Sarahara: “I’m definitely ready to take a step further with Whitney and would love to marry her, I just think that for Whitney it is something that can make her a little uncomfortable because I don’t think that her past experience of marriage has been correlated to a positive experience.”
Yes, like so many homo sapiens living/breathing on this earth today, Whitney’s parents got divorced. My parents got divorced too and all I got was this stupid t-shirt!
Back to The House of Whitney’s Exes for Whit-me’s appointment with Alyssa The Whitney Whisperer, in which Whit-me informs Alyssa The Whitney Whisperer she intends to tie the knot with that girl Sarahara who is always doing evil things off-camera.
Whitney: “Let’s talk about how much you miss me.”
Alyssa: “When are you moving back in?”
Whitney: “Um, you’re gonna have to build an extension for the back.”
Alyssa: “An extension? For all of Sara’s shoes? Or clothes?”
Whitney: “No seriously.”
Alyssa: “Or g-strings?”
Whitney: “Those take up a very small amount of room.”
Alyssa interviews that she thought Whit-me and Sarahara’s decision to shack up was motivated by Whit-me trying to ‘prove something’ and that it’d last about as long as my interest in this television program, which peaked when Claire told everybody they were fake and crazy and hasn’t really picked up since.
Back in the interview room, Whit-me has a question only Whit-me can answer:
Whitney: “Gay marriage is not legal in california. will it prevent me from getting married regardless? No.”
Whitney: “Marriage means a commitment to me, like I wanna have kids, and I know that it’s really important to Sara to get married before that happens, and she’s who I wanna raise a family with.”
Alyssa advises her not to rush into anything and Whit-me promptly disregards that advice.