Real L Word 301 Recap: Apples and Oranges and Bananaheads

Elsewhere in Sunny Sapphic Los Angeles, Romi and her beaux are preparing for their first gay outing as a not-gay couple. They’re hitting up the LGBT Center’s Halloween Party!

someone went a little crazy with the liquid eyeliner

Romi interviews that she’s nervous about debuting this slab of man to The Community:

Romi: “In the gay community, lesbians can be really harsh towads women who sleep with men again. Like, what is she doing, is she a real lesbian, is she not a real lesbian? What’s a REAL LESBIAN? What, all the years that I was eating pussy and like being with my girlfriends and madly in love and wanting to get married to them I wasn’t a lesbian? Okay.”

AHEM:

Romi explains that she acquired her mystifying nickname, “Tender,” from Jay — Romi actually met Jay through her friend and Jay’s then-girlfriend Carla, who you may recognize from her work kissing Romi on Romi’s t-shirts or from looking exactly like Romi…

romi and her present activity partner model the t-shirts with romi and carla on them

…see, Carla is mean, or something, so Jay would call Romi the “tender” one. And look at Romi & Jay now, getting all tender over each other’s loins.

twinsies

Romi gushes about Jay’s supreme sense of humor and Jay makes stupid jokes and Romi erupts into fits of hysterical laughter.

sidenote, banana is a really good costume

Romi: “I don’t know, he’s a boy. He’s simple. There’s just so much between two women and sometimes it’s nice to have someone just fun and simple to enjoy your life with.”

Let’s all go eat ice cream cones together and dive into the ocean and swim and become dolphins in a new land where Riese doesn’t have to write this stupid recap.

Jay: “If you know Romi, she’s kinda schizo, so she runs around and the fact that she’s been with women doesn’t bother me, like, should it bother her that I’ve been with other women in the past? It just so happens that she’s dated other women. Yay for me! [laughs a lot] So what are you gonna say, you know? I’m a guy and that’s how we think.”

Oh, this is fucking fantastic. Negative four for you.

also i let her do my hair like this hahahahahaha

Romi Flinger: “Why do you look so ridiculous?”
Jay Hudson: “‘Cause it’s Halloween.”
Romi: “Why do I wanna fuck you?”
Jay: “Because you always do.”
Romi: “I got a problem, we gotta work on it.”
Jay: “You got a sex problem, thats why I like you, I told you the day I met you.”

If this was a fictional show about characters, I’d have quite a few complaints to register regarding their portrayal of bisexual women. Remember when Tila Tequila had a show? That was so weird. Remember when Romi dated Dani Campbell for a minute? Also interesting. You know what else would be interesting? If the entire cast had to dress up like Zoobilee Zoo all the time.

and how will i know if they’re dressed as romi or as boy george

Oh right and:

Jay: “We’re going to the OBGYN.”
Romi: “No, we’re not going to the OBGYN , we’re going to the LGB —”

Unfortunately Romi’s unable to complete her sentence, having found Jay’s belittling of the community this show allegedly represents absolutely HILARIOUS.

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Back to New York City, where Hunter Valentine featuring Kiyomi Drama McCloskey are entertaining a romper room of alternatively-coiffed ladies who wanna bang Kiyomi Drama McCloskey with their socks on.

no for the last time we will not play “Living Room”

Vero asks for more guitar on her monitor and Somer announces that she’d like her wife to get her a scotch. Somer is a girl after my own heart.

Somer: “The thing that makes me feel the sexiest is being on stage. I mean being on stage fulfills so many things.”

whiskey is lesbian gatorade

If you’ve never seen Hunter Valentine live, good news: they put like the entire fucking concert in this episode! One of the songs is a song that Kiyomi Drama McCloskey wrote about Ali:

Kiyomi Drama McCloskey: “Basically it’s about two people that are so stubborn that they can’t figure out a way to be together and get along.”

Ali: “We’re both Tauruses, so we’re stubborn assholes. But it works!”

Watching Kiyomi Drama McCloskey perform makes Ali wanna rip her clothes off. Coincidentally, the rest of the women in the room feel exactly the same way! WHO WILL WIN?

but i don’t because we’re on a budget

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Back to the OBGYN I MEAN LGBTQ Center costume party, where Jay the Banana is concerned about Romi Flinger’s nipples, which are visible underneath her flesh-covered leotard.

so will there be any chicks making out at this thing tonight

Romi’s cool with it: “It’s fine, it is, they’re gonna like it!” Jay counters: “What if I was walking around with my weiner hanging out, would you like that?”  I think it’s rhetorical though, so don’t wear out your brain thinking it over.

Romi interviews about how she’s nervous to tell people about Jay, even though she already did, but whatever show oh my sweet figs of Jesus I cannot believe this is only the first episode. Don’t worry, I’ll turn this frown upside down starting next week and be really fun about it, I promise. I just need to like, get back in the game.

plus i mean, he’s dressed like the things we used to put condoms on in health class

Romi: “I never came out, I was raised by two Moms, so it was like, the gayest home so when I was like hey I’m gay, they were like okay YAWN. I like a guy, and now I get what it’s like for people to feel kinda like, nervous to tell people, because all my friends are lesbians, all my work are lesbians, I’m on The L Word. I feel like i’m coming out and just praying that people get it and are supportive. and if they don’t get it, just that they’re kind with their words.”

except without risking being banished from my family or kicked out of my home or church or losing my civil rights

The two hit up the red carpet for assorted unseemly antics:

Photographer: “You’ve got to eat the banana, Romi!”
Romi: “I DO eat the banana!”

The camera loves her:

i honestly cannot believe this is happening

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Back to the Hunter Valentine Spectacular Show in New York City, home of people who can make it anywhere.

who wants to get drunk and go play with the vibrators at babeland

Kiyomi emerges from the building post-show with ladies she describes to Somer as “big supporters of Hunter Valentine,” which btw, for anybody here who’s never been the owner of a passion-project-turned-business whose success is determined by fan support, is code for “I’m about to introduce you to two people I want you to treat like royalty, please. They have supreme taste and are therefore supreme beings.”

But Somer’s concerned about her wife’s whereabouts, mostly, and Ali’s standing off to the side with her Trapper Keeper, seemingly unaware that Kiyomi talking to fans after the show is massively important. Random drama ensues:

Ali: “I’m definitely put on the backburner sometimes and that’s really hard. I get emotional and I get needy, and sad, and when I’m drunk, I you know, really wanna push her buttons.”

i dunno, it was almost like you were performing for an entire room of people

Gripping drama ensues!

Ali: “You couldn’t even like, acknowledge my presence.”
Kiyomi: “When I came out and I saw you and you were over here –”
Ali: “You didn’t even say hi!”
Kiyomi: “–and I was talking –”
Ali: “You didn’t even say hi!”
Kiyomi: “I was talking to my friends, Ali. I was talking to my friends–”
Ali: “I respect that but you couldn’t even like, acknowledge my presence.”
Kiyomi: “I did acknowledge your presence.”
Ali: “No you didn’t, you didn’t say hello to me.”

I wanna live on the moon! WHO’S WITH ME?!!

Kiyomi Drama McCloskey: “My relationship with Ali is becoming quite toxic, it’s gotten into a cycle where we fight, and then we make up, and then we have make up sex and then we fight, and then we make up, and then we have makeup sex, so I’m starting to think that she just likes to fight because of the making up.”

So they go back home and somebody suggests they take a shower, because you know, TAKE ALL THE SHOWERS, and then they do the horizontal mambo, but vertically.


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Back in Stormy Sunny Sapphic Shady Los Angeles, we zip-a-dee-do-dah on over to The Wedding Ring Store, ’cause Whitney’s buying a ring for Sarahara so that Sarahara can participate in that whole Captin Planet thing where they have magic powers from rings:

Whitney: “I’ll never look back and think, I wish I’d hooked up more, or I wish that I’d played the field, or I committed too early, or anything like that, because I did it all and I found the person that I love that I’m supposed to be with.”

and then you slide your finger through the hole like this…

Well then. That’s the episode! Oh wait — one more thing:

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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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119 Comments

  1. Wow…this is the first TRLW recap I’ve ever read, and for the first time, I’m mildly interested in reality television. I wonder if we get Showtime…

    I need to see this, if only to mercilessly ridicule the poor dumb women who put it all out there in front of a video camera to be broadcast on televison. Oh, Showtime. Oh, Ilene Chaiken.

  2. I have so many feelings about this episode but mostly I’m just glad that Riese’s recaps are back. It feel like coming home, guys. It feels like coming home.

    Also are Romi and Carla the same person? I would say Jay has a type but it looks more like he has a cloning device.

  3. I so sorry for what you have to go through for our amusement Riese, but fuck, that was the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks! I was laughing all the way through. Well, except for the Cori and Kacy parts. Those hurt.

    I could care less what Romi does or who she does it with, but my goodness are they are handling this story badly. “It’s like you’re begging me to hate you.” is so right. What the freaking hell. All the talk about how just having this show (silly and trashy as it is) helps visibility, kind of goes out the window when they pull crap like this. This just seems like it’s tailored to feed straight men’s fantasies.

  4. u should’ve talked about Jay’s banana costume ..
    wtf it’s so pointless to go to Lesbians & Gays party not an lgBt one with a BF wearing banana costume !!
    and she is the monkey…..

    • As long as Romi does not self-identify as bisexual, I am not going to do it for her. Jay might be an exception, she really might be just bi-curious, homo-flexible or whatever. Romi´s sexual identity is hers to define! So if she still feels that it is more acurate to label herself as a lesbian, everyone should be okay with that.

      What I really found hilarious (in a bad way) about this episode is, that the old biphobic nonsense “she´s just doing it for attention” also works the other way around: You know, bisexual girls are mostly accused to “do it for attention” of the man, but according to Sara Romi is just doing it to get a girl (Whitney). Yay, progress… o__O’

      • You think it’s really okay for her to identify as a lesbian when she is in two long term relationships in a row with men, she gushed on the show about how she’s great at giving blow jobs, and she basically said that strap on sex with a woman couldn’t compare to sex with a real dick….i.e. lesbian sex isn’t as good or real as straight sex?? She’s not a lesbian.

        I feel bad that she’s the only representation of bisexuality on the show, because she’s a pretty shitty example and bisexual girls don’t have very many good representations out there, but she’s not a lesbian.

        • The thing is, that labels almost always fail to describe the complexity of a human sexuality and life. We also don´t know Romi in real life, we can´t take a look inside her heart & brain and then deside what label she MUST pick for herself.

          Like I stated before, she might or might not still prefer one gender over the others and her last two relationships might or might not be an exception. So yes, I think there is a possibility that “lesbian” would make the most acurate label from her point of view. And if not, she is still the one who is in charge to re-label herself, not us, because ther are so many to pick from: Pan-, omni-, ambisexual, flexible, fluid, biamorous, ac/dc, pomosexual and so forth.

          Now on you other point I totaly agree, she was extremly insensitive, no simply cruel, to degrade the sexuality between women! Yes, sex is diffrent, but it does not make one less valid, less real or less beautiful.

        • I know this is wayyyy after the fact, but I totally agree with you. I wouldn’t presume to tell someone what label they should use. It was mostly everyone else’s attitude towards a queer woman who sleeps with men that was making me want to cry.

    • I kind of hoped that we were just going to get Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman instead. I hated that show… but compared to tRLW it seems like gold. This could lead into a great new style of Real L Word “recaps” where people just tell you what they were watching/doing/eating on Thursdays at 10 PM ET/PT.

      THANKS FOR TAKING ONE FOR THE TEAM RIESE! (I’m tempted to ask someone to recap how many drinks they had to take so I can catch up.)

  5. What are the odds that a girl named Somer would be married to a girl named Donna? DONNA SOMER!

    Also, Zoobilee Zoo reference ftw!

    Also also, not feeling Romi’s monkey costume at all. She looks more like a very thin bear-cat-type thing?

  6. re the strap on comment: ugh.
    also, on the night this premiered, I was closing in on 38 hours without sleep and passed out on my friend’s living room floor as the episode started. according to my lovely friends, their dogs would wake me up now and again, and in my sleepy stupor I’d say something along the lines of “how MANY FUCKING times can we WATCH MOTHERFUCKERS break up, ILENE?!” I have no recollection of this.

  7. Oh, and am I the only one who gets the impression that the producers are trying really hard to make this whole Whitney/Sara/Romi thing mirror the Bette/Tina/Jodi thing from TLW? With the whole Romi/Whitney juxtaposition at the beginning of the episode, to Romi’s constant bitching about how Sara has corrupted Whitney into thinking Romi is evil, it’s like the writers are trying to edit the series in such a way so as to brainwash the audience, Romi, and Whitney into believing that the two of them are somehow meant to reuinite like Bette and Tina did after Tina’s adventures in man-land.

    It’s like IC is saying, “Everything that happened in The L Word happens in real life, so that’s why it’s called The REAL L Word! Watch as Jay artfully trims his toenails over Romi’s coffee table in episode 5, making her realize that men are disgusting, and what was she thinking, just like Tina did in season 4 of my groundbreaking series!”

  8. So much ridiculousness. It’s all so ridiculous. I wonder if anyone ever ran it by IFC how many ridiculous things she has done that could have been avoided. This was hilarious Riese. And the pics well worth the wait! I’d say never stop recapping things – ever – but that may not be the best idea for your sanity or whathaveyou so…
    Also I would like to touch Somer.

  9. i semi-recently acquired a torrenting thingy and like i download ALL the things but honestly i just won’t let this show anywhere near my hard drive so i just stream it. it’s that bad, you guys.

    also the lady with pink hair scares the shit out of me for some reason. also i know jay was insensitive about the LGBTQ event but did anyone else get a queer vibe from him. maybe he’s just happy-gay and not buttsex-gay, but either way the banana costume was an excellent obfuscation device.

  10. Please tell me where I can watch this? I’m living in the UK…argh, I know I shouldn’t have this addiction to watch it but I can’t help it!! So yeah, please feel free to send on your (free) links :) xx

  11. will I continue watching this show?No,doubt it. Did I enjoy this recap?yes,as always! Am I a little disappointed that Ms. Mixter did not use this rhetorical device as often as I expected her to? fuck,yeah!

  12. Loved the recap! This show gets faker by the second, its really sad that the producers have to force these love triangles and “dramatic” situations, but on the other hand its fun to make fun of it.

    I don’t think Romi’s “boyfriend” is actually her boyfriend or even a heterosexual. I think he was just brought in to add to the conflict and show some representation of bisexuality or not labeling your love life.

  13. This has to be the best RECAP in all RECAPS history. I was trying to keep my laughter at bay considering I am at work, it was very difficult.

    One question for anyone who watches the show?
    Did Alyssa not say in previous seasons that she was dating a MAN!? I could have sworn she did as she is one of the only characters I actually listen to when she speaks (besides Kasey and Cori)
    Anyways I saw in the blogoshphere somewhere that she is engaged to a woman for 6 years!

  14. YES. This recap is all my feelings. All of them. Miraculous. A+ gold star.
    I was so disturbed by the Romi hetero sex scene. I was a little terrified I would have to see a penis.
    I cried during all of the Kacy/Cori scenes. Well, actually, I was sobbing.

    I agree with the person above who stated their crush on Kelsey. I want to have her babies. Or, she can have mine. Or something. Her style is rad.

  15. “Now, bisexual women are glorious humans near and dear to my heart and vagina and former self-identification and personal history and reading list, but MEN, on the other hand? I hate men. Reader, let me be honest with you: this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men. It rarely subjected me to the thoughts or feelings of modern man, let alone their sexual desires, let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005 and in any event I could watch heterosexual sex on every other show ever made about anything, ever. Can’t we get one corner of the sky?”

    AMEN. I thought I was going to spend this whole week focused on putting words such as these together and trying to convince myself that other people might feel like this too.

    • it’s so true and such awesome commentary and i want to commend riese on handling the issue so well while still being so hilarious, but honestly i can’t do anything right now because i don’t think i will ever stop giggling over “let alone actual heterosexual sex, which I maxed out on personally between the years of 1998 and 2005.” every single time i thought about that line today i started giggling uncontrollably to myself, like i had a beautiful shiny secret that no one could ever tarnish.

  16. Oh my gawd these recaps are perfect, I don’t have Showtime Riese but I look forward to your snarky interpretations of the episodes! Also, my straight twin sister finds these recaps just as hilarious as I do! (although I have to spend a lot of time explaining these crazy bitches to her, haha)

  17. This recap is the most amazing thing and perfectly conveys my sentiments about this episode.

    New favorite characters: 1)Laura 2) Laura’s nose ring 3) Stock Footage of New York (long-lost sister of Stock Footage of LA)

  18. LOL @ recaps… I just want to know how many bottles it took riese to get through, while writing all of that and who won the drinking game? Hell, it takes me like an hour just to think about what I want to write in the comment sections on here sometimes, I can’t imagine recapping 3 pages worth. If only I was a fly on the wall…

    On a related note, this whole LA versus NY thing reminds me of the scene from the movie Deliverance,”Dueling LES{Band}hO’S” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myhnAZFR1po&feature=youtube_gdata_player). I’d kill to see a photoshop of that scene, please make it happen!

  19. Thank you! I kept on wanting to yell at Romi – you’re bisexual, there’s nothing wrong with that. Just admit it! The strap-on blow job bit was also hilarious. I just loved Alyssa’s face.

    Kelsey is looking cute and it looked like she was on a mac…hopefully that means she’s gainfully employed.

  20. i want you to know that i watched this show and i played your drinking game and i was HAMMERED before 10:30 and kept saying “that’s two of whitney’s girlfriends in the same room DRINK” and megan kept saying “is ilene chaiken gay? why is …. what is .. this… ?” and then i had the biggest hangover on friday.

    but it was all worth it for this recap obviously.

    can you think back to when you would watch friends on thursday nights and then imagine telling yourself then that in 15 years you’d be watching this shitshow instead? i mean where’s the ross of trlw, is what i’m really asking. where’s my lesbian ross?

    • I second Megan’s comments on this! I watched it (well, tried to) on Saturday morning and I actually had to fast forward through parts in order to keep my sanity intact! Pretty sure IFC is a robot controlled by a rich, white guy. Sadly, drinking at 9am didn’t seem like a wise idea.

  21. That most people read the recaps without watching the show is the only reasonable explanation I can think of for why we’re not talking about that Brooklyn girl’s mystifying RAP intro in that one scene.

    • Yes this was strange. But I actually think I know this girl from college. She does improv and is hilarious and I would actually watch the show if she were to be featured. For now the recaps will suffice.

  22. Is it me or did Kelsey’s comment on Romi’s thing sound forced? I feel like Kelsey was asked to be filmed, and on the first shot she was like “oh, ugh, this is off-putting,” and no member of the crew was satisfied. So, to prompt her a little more, they asked her “how do you feel about Romi dating a guy?” and she said “I don’t like it, I’d rather not keep looking at these photos, I saw them already like two months ago.” BUT THAT WAS NOT ENOUGH, so they kept asking her until she was like “OMG OK FINE HERE ARE SOME FEELINGS I AM LATE FOR BRUNCH NOW CAN I GO?”

    • the whole thing felt super-weird and staged. i mean, also, like, who sits at a table looking at facebook photos while being followed around by cameras? obvs they’re not following her around this season, so they had to “set up” that scene to begin with. her logic was a little off, i felt, which made me feel like she didn’t necessarily pick those lines herself.

  23. “or how about i come all over your face, huh? how about that?”

    Haaa! You made me spit out my water at work with that one. I also saw the jealous, clingy girlfriend and tall wife (I’ll call her that since she has no personality yet) look over at those two in the corner. I wonder if it will come out later that Somer & Kiki hooked up. Ali is McClingy big time! She needs to stop doing ‘duck face pouty puss’ and chill out. She looks like Sean Penn in his new 80’s emo movie when she looks all pissy. Not even the cake can make up for that “pay attention to meeeeee” whine.

  24. so i’m doing this thing where i’m watching a scene then reading part of the recap then watching a scene hten reading the recap because it’s the only way i can make the show in any way palatable.

    at first i was furious with you for the initial bit about romi’s relationship, but then as i watched the storyline unfold i found myself confused and embarrassed for romi and anyone who has ever dated anyone in the world of any gender ever. now i’m just furious with the show for once again completely failing to get the picture, for making bisexuals look like completely greedy, indecisive douchebags, and with myself for watching it. this is SO problematic and gross to watch and i want to throw up all over romi for just being a terrible example.

    why can’t we have ONE? like, just one?

    hey hunter valentine practice around the corner from my old apartment, that’s neat.

    • Nope, accept the ultimate truth: Only vampires and other crazy ass murderers happen to be bisexual! They fuck and kill anyone and everyone and also steal their cakes, because they are creepy and greedy like that. Just like YOU! (Or ME, for that matter ;))

      [sarcasm off]

      • ok, i thought about it and the comment below this one kind of drives it home. i don’t agree with the way the show is portraying romi’s relationship and explaining her sexuality, but i also think the reaction to it is disturbing.

        on a better show, this could be a brave thing for romi to be doing. nobody expects this show to not be problematic and insulting in explaining ANYTHING, so this horrible and potentially harmful handling of this situation is not surprising. what i am surprised by is the reaction to it.

        yeah, i don’t want to see romi fucking her boyfriend on screen but i don’t want to watch whitney fucking her girlfriend either – and i especially didn’t want to watch rachel masturbating last season. the sex on this show feels voyeuristic, exploitive and uncomfortable for everybody involved, regardless of gender.

        as a community who are so discriminated against and marginalized, i can understand wanting a show that is just for lesbians – but i’d think you’d want it from a better show. i’d also think that if the show presents something slightly outside the lesbian box (no pun intended), the community wouldn’t go so far as to make a statement like “this show’s single redeeming factor was its consistent lack-of-men.” I GET IT, it’s a [terrible] lesbian show, it really is, and this community deserves to have its stories told well, but if this were a heteronormative television show and people reacted to a character dating/fucking a person of the same sex (or a transperson) the way you are reacting to this relationship, you would all be completely horrified. this seems like unusually closed-minded behaviour from a community i’d expect more from. this is actually an experience people HAVE IN REAL LIFE, sexual identity fluctuation, and even if romi is acting like a crazy person and saying harmful things and jay seems like a twat, that’s more because they are questionable people on a terrible reality show and not because men are gross in general. which is too bad because i think the whole community deserves better.

        i’m also really sorry i’m having so many feelings about something that happened on the real l word. it’s been one of those days.

        • I don’t quite know how to articulate everything I fell about this show, but I do know that I want to start out by saying that the Real L Word isn’t gay or lesbian or queer or bi or questioning-positive, but that’s it’s just television.

          The only underlying assumption that explains all of these cringe-inducing scenes and the god-awful fakery is just that it’s television: a money-making medium that pays for consultants and focus groups, and tries to strategically analyze the wishes of corporate sponsors and viewers (consumers) in order to maximize audience and revenues.

          I can get wrapped up in the fake dramas written around these characters played by the honest peeps/opportunists/”don’t-know-what-to-do-with-life-but-I’m-young-so-what-the fuck” young people who “act” in this Ilene Chaiken thang. I could go on forever analyzing scenes for the meanings of the dialogue of the characters.”

          But it’s all just bullshit. It’s TV. It’s Ilene Chaiken and her ambitions; it’s IFC (or whoever, I haven’t owned or followed TV in over a decade), or the sponsors.

          What makes me return to these recaps is Riese’s commentary– and I won’t disrespect it by calling it snark– she speaks for many of us when she nails all the bullshit and damage to the community engendered by the rank falsity of the “dramas” of the episodes.

          I eagerly read the commentary from the AS community because in the comments I find opinions and viewpoints that I did or didn’t know I had, but which make me feel like I’m one of a powerful, intelligent, active community confronting the baseline bullshit of the world we live in and that we’re trying to change. It reassures me and it gives me energy to keep fighting the good fight.

          I know that every time I decide to read the recaps of a new season that I’ll be appalled by what kind of bullshit Ilene Chaiken or IFC is spreading, but I know I will find myself among a bunch of real people responding in real and intelligent ways to the endless distortion of our community and communities.

  25. Very funny review, but still no way I’m watching this. I can’t believe they got a third season! I watched one episode (wasn’t even able to watch the whole episode)the 1st season and never again.

  26. I knew this was going to be amazing when I saw the Belle-Whitney reading Tucker Max graphic.

    Also, anyone else think Summer Heights High when SAHrah goes off on her tangent about Romi dating men for attention? Ja’mie forever.

    • If Chris Lilley did his own Real L Word mockumentary, I’d cry happy joy fountains from my eyes and pants. So much love for Ja’mie.

      Also, I know the pregnancy thing is being spun as ‘representing all walks of lesbian life’ but this is messed up. I feel like I can see Chaiekieneain (i don’t know how you spell it so I just used all the letters) getting moist in the corners of her mouth over the ratings she can pull in through their heartache. We all know what’s coming, anyone watching the show probably knows what’s coming, and here it is, cut and paste together for maximum impact. Fuck.

      • Completely agree. The juxtaposition between the vapid storytelling and real life, authentic pain is just too much. It’s like watching Philadelphia on movie of the week and perusing Snooki & JWoWW on commercial breaks. Not that it’s a representation on who these people are outside of the show, but it’s like, how can you dramatize one next to the other? I expect to be think-screaming YOU DO NOT HAVE PROBLEMS, more than usual.

  27. I have never watched the Real L Word and I can’t say I ever will, but your recaps are incredible. This article made me laugh so much. It also made me incredibly thankful that my life is nowhere as exciting as the lives of all the Real L World people. I mean, the drama! The stress! How do they find time to read and knit and sit and contemplate life and do all the other old-lady things I like to do!

    • It’s true! If I were a “real” lesbian with all of these appearances to make and drama to stir up I would never have time to go jogging and take care of 6 pets! Am I doing something wrong here?

    • TRUTH. Though I’m not surprised in the slightest, this is The Real L Word after all.

      Also I super cringed when I realized the bar that Kiyomi and Ali were fighting and then sexing in is one that I’ve snuck into before…ew

  28. I love these recaps so much! I am one of the annoying ones who cannot stand to watch the show but the recaps make my life.

    Cori, Kasey and Kelsey are the only ones I don’t want to hurt. Well and Alyssa Whitney Whisperer.

  29. of course no one is like this, and of course every girl who sleeps with girls are not like these girls. because they are edited in order to fulfill recognizable labels or stereotypes of mass audiences. trust me i’m from smalltown illinois, and yes “i don’t know any lesbians like this!” but now i live in LA, and i know OF some lesbians who dress like this. Because of fashion/roles/wanting to fit in, etc. Like humans.

    unfortunately this show does make people into roles that reflect the biggest problems of lgbt acceptance in society: visibility, civil rights, and marriage/equality, etc, etc… they reflect the biggest problems because the show is designed carefully to appeal to MASS audiences. highest distribution possible this means a “gay white chick” or “straight white chick” can look at the character of (whitney?) and see parts of her behavior reflected there. Or just her hats. Whatever it is, we like to see the dopple gangar. We like to see what is like us. So that our ego dissipates, stops fighting what our eyes are interpreting and we keep watching, plain and simple. Zombie/media, that’s what they’re trying to do here. for $$$ you see.

    **Mostly these small reflections of ourselves, with great distortion, are achieved through extra creepy distortion called franken-editing. (taken from frankenstein, the human monster built from parts who terrorized everyone but then at some point turned out to be slightly abused, scared, and really nice?). Franken-editing happens when they take small phrases or even single words and edit them together to create a new phrase, sentence, or word. Reality tv characters are franken-edited all the time. Listen carefully. This is not what you are like or what you are supposed to be like. Or even what you could be like unless a third party franken-edited the hell out of you.

    Welcome to Showtime trying to sell you yourself. No wonder people are angry that it’s not them. You got that right.

  30. I’m glad there’s at least some representation/discussion of bisexuality on the show now.

    However, I got distracted and slightly drifted off after the mention of Clea Duval. And it’s ironic that you used a scene from Cast Away, since I watched that this afternoon.

    I can’t decide if I’m going to watch it this season or not. Maybe I’ll just read the recaps and call it a day.

  31. south by Southwest, where Hunter Valentine is going, is in mid-March 2012 (also the weather in nyc looked like sort of grey, march-ish). the lgbt party romi & jay went to was for halloween in October 2011. and based on the photos, kelsey’s scene must have been filmed in december or early january, and romi and kelsey were back together by january then broke up at some point because now she is with that guy dusty, i don’t know. cori got pregnant in august 2011, they say she’s four months in at the doctors appointment, so their scenes must have been filmed in december 2011, the tragedy happened on xmas. lauren’s lyon launch party was in february 2012, amanda was at the launch party where lauren appears in this episode, saying she can’t wait for amanda to move to los angeles from new york.

    so basically there are scenes in this episode from four different months, there is no time, and i cannot believe that i actually know all of that information (i had to look up the lyon jewelry thing but the rest i already knew), this is actual physical evidence of my brain decaying from the inevitable effects of saturation in a thing. or that “detective” is secretly my favorite game

  32. Those recaps are the reason I keep watching this show. Like the podcast recap by The Planet were the reason I kept watching The L Word. If you haven’t listen to those, go find them on iTunes.. NOW!
    One thing I noticed, it seems to be only Caucasian chicks this seasons, only Kyiomi has some Japanese heritage that are slightly visible.
    So far, I am only interested in Lauren that I think is a time bomb and will blow the hell out of some other cast member soon like Season 2 Claire could only dream about.
    I found it horrible to watch K&C scenes when you know what happened. I can’t take watch it and they used to be the only one I liked to watch. I seriously hope Lil Chicken is not going to edit their tragedy, please tell me the cameras were off when it happened.

  33. This freaking Amanda and Lauren story is EXACTLY THE SAME as the beginning of last season with Francine and what’s her face. What the H? And seriously, NOTHING HAPPENS in these shows. We’re two shows in and we don’t know anything about these people except who they sometimes have sex with. It’s like the L Word Season 6 boring Planet conversations all over again.

  34. why can’t the show just be about kelsey, alyssa, and somer? if i hear one more word about pregnancy i’m just gonna puke. corci are basically ozzie and harriet the lesbian edition. i hate when dykes imitate straight couples. whitney and sadda just get more and more boring. romi really makes me want to hurl, YOU ARE BISEXUAL, ADMIT IT, and your denigration of lesbian sex pisses me off. Jay is just utterly repellent, in looks and attitude, and i’m sure he’s never given Romi one genuine orgasm in her life (I said genuine for a reason, I’m sure she fakes it all the time to please his ugly hairy ass). kiyomi is a TOTAL jerk…I hate it when lesbians get praise and adoration for acting like straight male douchebags. Oh, and lastly and most stupidly, kelsey is soooo hot and seems like a sweetheart…she deserves an amazing girlfriend (ie the opposite of romi). my girlfriend lindsey and i watch the show just for her…sucks we rarely see her now!

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