Previously on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna and Spencer creeped into Radley’s abandoned basement to retrieve Charles’ medical records, despite also finding his medical records in a warehouse the previous week. These new records indicated that Charles’ organs had been harvested and sent off to the hospital to populate the bodies of living non-psychos. Also in the basement was Mona Vanderwaal, who was picking up Lesli Stone’s Radley file. And Maddie Ziegler was there too, just a-dancin’. Aria went to the junkyard with Clark to take some headshots of A. Alison’s dad called her a whore in eleven different ways while watching a whole new police officer take advantage of her. And Emily continued her slow lesbian crawl toward making out with/getting murdered by Sara Harvey.
The news that Lesli Stone was a patient at Radley with both Bethany Young and Charles DiLaurentis has blown Spencer’s entire mind. She is now convinced it was Lesli who kidnapped them, Lesli who held them hostage down in that bunker, Lesli who curated the Charles DiLaurentis Retrospective at the Museum of Modern Horrors. How else do you explain Mona getting a gas mask and juice boxes while the rest of them were forced to torture each other and cut their own hair? It was the Radley Bro Code, yo. That’s how come Mona was okay down there.
Emily: Okay, look, every time you have accused anyone of anything, you have literally never been right.
Spencer: At some point, I will be right, though, because I will accuse every person, and there are only a finite number of characters on this show.
Emily: Incorrect. One new queer girl a week shows up here looking for an invitation to my pants party.
Hanna: Speaking of lesbian pants parties, Mona’s mom won’t let her out of the house, so she’s not coming over to answer our questions about Lesli.
Emily: Y’all. Lesli does not look fit enough to hurl herself from a roof to the top of a moving ambulance; nor does she look hackery enough to own a CIA-style lair of surveillance equipment.
Spencer: You’re confusing your A’s. Spider-Man A was Shana Costumeshop. Aria murdered her. Surveillance Lair A was Ezra. He has suffered no consequences for his actions.
Emily: I have to go to therapy now.
Spencer and Hanna: WHAT? WHY?!?
Emily rides her bike home toward mandatory therapy with her mother, but is accosted along the way by Vernon DiLaurentis, who has received a birthday card and is very unhappy about it. Did Emily put it there? Did Emily see who put it there? Did she?! DID SHE?! I don’t know, Vernon, why don’t you ask one of the police officers who have been stationed outside your house to guard your daughter — but instead are mocking and molesting her — whether or not they’ve seen anyone lurking around your car. What’s that? You don’t trust the Rosewood Police Department? What a thing to say! Let me introduce you to my buddy, Officer Lorenzo; he’ll explain why RPD are the good guys in a way your delicate, feminine mind can understand.
At the Hollis photo lab, Aria tries to sneak back the negatives she nicked from Clark, but he catches her. He thinks she didn’t want to be in any photos, and that’s cool with him; he just kind of wants to get a bagel and some coffee and brainstorm about more junkyard photos. Aria is so spooked when she realizes she has come into contact the most mythical creature in all of Rosewood — an age-appropriate man who respects both her boundaries and autonomy; and is interested in hearing what she thinks about things, as opposed to telling her what she thinks about things — that she runs out of there like she’s been zapped by a cartoon lightning bolt.
Caleb drops by Hanna’s to see if anyone’s been planting trackers in her skull or anything like that, but she is not in the mood to be coddled this morning, especially by someone who also tracked her without her permission and then made DadFace at her. She says she’s going to Philly with Spencer for an appointment, and she’s using the buddy system like Ashley asked her to do, and so obviously they will be safe. Never mind that the last time she was kidnapped, she was with all three of her buddies in the back of an armored van.
Sara is hanging out nekkid in Emily’s bedroom when Emily bebops in and creates a vortex of absurdity. Sara is freaking out about finding something classy to wear to “Caleb’s office” and Emily is so undone by seeing a girl in a bra, which: Was for sure season one Emily, but she has seen now seen dozens of girls in bras in this very bedroom. Many of those bras on the floor, after she helped lesbians right out of them. Emily puts some tattoo cream on Sara’s new Tippi ink and picks out an outfit for her to wear to “Caleb’s office” and then runs out of there like she’s Sara Harvey and the shower is empty. The music goes, “The Pacific Ocean is deep and you’re hypnotizing me with your lesbianism and also the sky is blue and these are just the facts of life.” When Emily leaves, Sara frowns and shakes her head like she’s sad she’s going to end up chopping Emily into tiny pieces with an axe. What a loss to mangle and murder a sweet girl with such a face.
As Spencer is getting ready to head to Philly and meet up with Hanna — who is stalking Lesli Stone outside a sushi restaurant, judging both her psychopathy and punctuality — Dean arrives and smashes his face against the window, like a Fucking Johnny of yore. He has brought Spencer some pot-free brownies and a really good book about staying sober, from one of his old sponsors. Spencer’s like, “If it’s so good, why are you back in AA?” But they don’t have a chance to journey down that rabbit hole, because Veronica calls to leave a voicemail to pester Spencer into accepting the position of valedictorian. She doesn’t want to do it because: a) She has only received five days of education from Rosewood High School, total, and b) she doesn’t want to be the poster child for PTSD.
Dean tries to think of a way to condescend to Spencer or make this all about him. When he can’t come up with anything, he says he’ll swing back by later.
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