Welcome to the twelfth recap of the fourth season of Glee, a variety hour featuring a rotating roster of uninspired pop covers performed by lithe industrious teenagers with a passion for fundraising under the esteemed tutelage of the Great Goddess Rumbledethumps‘ one and only son, Finn Hudson. This week, all the boys took their clothes off and all the girls kept their clothes on. It was quite an experience.
But guys can I just talk to you for a minute? The Whole Foods across the street from my apartment just added a bulk cookies area! My whole life has changed. They even have hamentashen! In related news, this week I uncovered the secret to “why we got an apartment in this area for such a reasonable price” — the building’s previous owner killed himself and afterwards they discovered he’d been hiding his son’s dead body in the wall for four years! They found the makeshift tombwall in the laundry room which shares a wall with our apartment, so we call it The Laundry Tomb now. Anyhow, onward ho!
We open on a brilliant, beaming Ohio morning, where Hunter Warbler’s escaping a hectic courtroom bombarded by press desperate for news on The Warblers’ unceremonious ousting from Nationals due to their habit of sticking things up each other’s butts.
By “things” I mean “syringes filled with performance-enhancing drugs,” obvs.
We thus glide joyously over to what appears to be The Glee Room again, where Rumbledethumps scrawls “Regionals!!!” on the whiteboard of truth, inspiring the children to scream in simultaneous orgasm.
Finn then implores his charges not to “waste time celebrating” ’cause they’re short on prep time now that they’ve spent the last three weeks executing poorly-planned plot stunts like the dud Sadie Hawkins dance and a horrifying Christmas special. There’s only a few weeks left to audition, plan and perform a series of songs before pretending like none of that ever happened and doing the Macarena at Nationals.
Then Finn proposes they focus on raising money, because Glee Club loves fundraising (see also: Episdoe 111, Episode 217, Episode 221) and they’ve got to fund a bus ride to Indianapolis, “the Paris of Indiana” (-Artie). Some of the earnest youths chime in with solutions:
Teen Jesus: “I’d be willing to cut off my hair to sell it for extra cash.”
Meow Mix: “To who? Jamaican kids with Rastafarian cancer? Or as a rigging on a haunted pirate ship?”
Sam: “I could sell more of my semen.”
Riese: “WHO WANTS TO SELL TAFFFY???!!!!!!”
Although I’d personally be thrilled to see Teen Jesus shed his stupid white-boy dreads, Tina’s got another idea involving stripping one’s body of things: The Men of McKinley Calendar! Tina gushes that this year’s Glee boys are the best-looking Glee boys of all time, so I think they’ve wiped Mike Chang from the Glee Collective Memory officially now, and therefore they should pose in a calendar and sell it. Basically, she wants to see Blaine naked.
Tina: “I think Blaine should definitely be December. You can do a Santa thing, but sexy. Sexy Claus.”
We then zip on over to the Estate of Brittany S. Pierce for another rousing episode of everybody’s favorite Daytime Cooking Program, Fondue for Two!
Brittany, in an act of misguided goodwill, brings poor sad Marley-Kate onto the show to insult and attack all her tender spots:
Brit-Brit: “You may know tonight’s guest only as the girl with the fat mom who ruined Sectionals for everybody.”
Brit-Brit then pursues a psychologically damaging line of inquiry chock-full of zingers like “Do you think that you relate to The Hunger Games because you yourself are hungry?”
Marley desperately grasps to re-steer the conversation by offering her pet psychic services to Brit-Brit and subsequently suggesting that Lord Tubbington’s got an online gambling addiction and wants to lose weight, which despite being true, doesn’t sway Brit-Brit from her perspective on Lord Tubbington’s troubles: she thinks he’s a slum lord with buildings that aren’t up to code. Well, at least there’s not a dead body in the wall. Hahahahaha!!
Brit-Brit: “Please admit to my viewing audience that you are in love with Jake. I thought so! If Jake is brave enough to take off his clothes for the Men of McKinley calendar, don’t you think you owe him the same courtesy?”
Brit-Brit suggests that because New Puck is getting naked for the Most Horrifying Calendar Ever, Marley-Kate should consider getting naked with her feelings and confessing her love to New Puck, but don’t worry, New Puck won’t see it because “Fondue for Two” exists in another dimension of time/space. Oh also this happened:
We travel forward in time on a bat out of hell to the menacing lair of the ambivalent Principal Figgins, who’s called a meeting with the “sexy teen imbeciles” to discuss how they “managed to receive the highest and lowest SAT scores ever recorded at McKinley.” They should’ve taken their SATs like three months ago/last year and if this is January, college applications are due in like approximately a minute from now, but whatever.
Sam easily assumes he’s the secret genius, but not so fast — our underdog, Brit-Brit, employed a strategy which saw her filling in A for a while, and then C for a little bit, and then D and then A again and then using the dots to draw a clown and then a penis, and it earned her a near-perfect 2340. Meanwhile Sam’s score was at monkey-standards. Brit-Brit tells him he’s a handsome monkey, which’s probably kindhearted but also kinda mean considering the academic encouragement she gave to Santana when her prospects dimmed. This show has no consistency, so I doubt this disparity means anything because nothing! means! anything! in! Glee!, but still, just saying. Anyhow, Brit-Brit says Sam’s sexy and she knows it:
Brit-Brit: “Sam, don’t worry, okay? You don’t need to go to college like the rest of us. You have a great body. You could be a personal trainer. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie. You could be a greeter at Abercrombie’s corporate headquarters— whatever you wanna do. But meanwhile, my future looks bright, I’m gonna graduate, I’ll go to Harvard or Princetown or MITT or Stanford and Son or the University of California at Charles Barkley’s house because evidently, I’m one of the smartest people in America.”
What’s funny is that the only member of this graduating class who truly could skip college is Brittany S. Pierce, who I predict could have a promising career dancing with Beyoncé, an independent woman you may recall from this evening’s Super Bowl and last week’s press conference and your still-beating heart.
Thus we galavant gayly through mountains of snow and rivers of slush and gullies of mud towards the great great city of New York, New York, where The New Rachel’s chatting with the director of an inevitably abysmal student film, poetically titled “Come Back To Me, Grandmother: A Journey Into Alzheimer’s.”
I’m unaware of the director’s name so I’ve decided to name her Lorna (Doone, after Natalie’s favorite cookie) for the purposes of this recap. Rachel grapples for meaning:
Lorna: “The grandmother slipping into dementia is an allegory.”
The New Rachel: “Of course, Yeah —”
Lorna: “Obviously, the end of the world.”
Oh right, Lorna adds, also you’ll have to show everybody your knockers.
But is Rachel ready to unveil her naked breasts? The New Rachel can’t think of anybody better to consult than her younger, wiser self, before she moved to New York and got involved with eyeliner and a hunky nudist. New Rachel notes that her breasts are her prizewinner, but Old Rachel counters that she makes Geyerdean turn off the lights while cuddling.
Old Rachel: “You have a beautiful body, but are you really ready to expose yourself to the world?”
The New Rachel: “That’s what all great artists do, they expose themselves.”
Old Rachel: “Expose their souls, not their flesh.”
The New Rachel: “But it’s all part of the same package, am I really expected to be able to bear my soul if I’m ashamed of the body that holds it
Old Rachel: “I think a little shame is a good thing.”
Okay — Rachel Berry did you miss your Miss Lady Drama Business podcast today? Because woman, you’ve gotta save your rack for something really kickass, like The Real L Word. Just kidding! No truly, it’s just good business for an actress specifically to hold out on nudity until you get paid for it or, you know, if you’ve been offered the lead role in an ultimately Tony-winning Broadway musical like Spring Awakening. Or perhaps you’ve been offered a plumb role like Kate Winslet’s in Titanic, or if your name is Angelina Jolie and you’re in Gia. Remember Angelina Jolie topless in Gia? The first girl I ever kissed and I rented Gia from the video store and never gave it back.
Old Rachel points out that New Rachel’s not a porn star and notes that New Rachel’s hair and makeup are very Real Sex. Unable to reach a suitable conclusion, they choose the worst way possible to solve a conflict, which’s by performing a split personality duet of Natalie Imbruglia’s Torn.
At the song’s stunning conclusion, Rachel consents to the topless scene.
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….is there anyway to buy your glee calendar???? I feel like that and the autostraddle calendar would go well together (in my bunk.)
I want to share that bunk and both calendars!
Well, at least Will Schuester wasn’t in it…
shipping both Lornachel and Quorna now
Indianapolis, “the Paris of Indiana”
Ah, my hometown. I so look forward to hosting those glee kiddos. I’m thinking of doing one of those old tymey “hot potato roasting parties.”
Think they’ll go for it?
At first I was completely opposed to the idea of Indy being the “Paris of Indiana.” And then I realized, what the fuck else would be? Certainly not Muncie. Certainly not anywhere in Southern Indiana. So fine. They can be the Paris of Indiana.
Well, I’m kinda biased, because I love my blue oasis of democratic party-ism in the middle of this hellish red state.
We’re missing decent public transit, but Indianapolis has spawned some really amazing stuff over the past five years – A fascinating arts/theater scene, great local food, excellent craft breweries, a thriving environmental movement, exciting bicycle activism, young folks starting their own businesses, and most exciting for me – an enthusiastic writer’s community is coming together. “Paris of Indiana” isn’t very far from the mark.
I know that Ryan Murphy was probably being a snarky asshole with that line, but I’m really happy I decided against moving to Chicago when my wife and I got married.
…..except that Chicago has pretty good public transit, I’d like to point out…..
Yeah, but Chicago is way too busy for us. Also, the cost of living in Indy is really low, so we have a huge house for not much money and enough square footage for our own library, which wouldn’t be possible in Chicago.
The writing scene has gotten pretty good. I have a ton of friends and acquaintances involved in it and I’ve been to a bunch of readings there. It’s always an awesome experience. Also, they have Yats, which is maybe my favorite “bang for your buck” restaurant in all of Indiana.
SPOILERS (does anyone really care at this point?)
Everyone heard the dish on Quinn and Santana kissing, right? Because unfortunately my only caveat for me coming back to “Glee” was “Quinn makes out with a chick,” so goddammit, they’ve got me.
Now who wants to come over and watch my bootleg copy of Lea Michele in “Spring Awakening?”
This. I’ve been off the Glee train for months, only to hear about this. Flash forward to Saturday evening, with my whole day dedicated to back episodes of Glee and me full of self-loathing.
This is SUCH an unhealthy relationship.
vending machine, I think we might be the same person.
Lora, I’m skeptical for a couple reasons:
The information we got was someone tweeting Ryan Murphy: “Quinn will kiss Santana?” and he replied “Yes”.
Nobody said that the kiss would be on the lips.
Nobody said that the kiss would be shown. For all we know, they’ll talk about it in past tense.
Then again, it is Sweeps Week, and Glee is pretty predictable with regards to what the spoilers mean. I don’t remember a time when people thought the spoilers meant one thing and then they actually meant another.
i still don’t really believe it about the kiss
i think he just wants to play with our hearts
Well, yeah, it’s not like I’d EVER put queerbaiting past our dear Mr. Murphy. I don’t trust that man as far as I could throw him (and have you seen his head? I couldn’t throw him very far).
Yeah, I mean last year’s Valentine’s Sweeps episode had the Brittana kiss to reel in the viewers.
Stopped watching “Glee” after that lesbian blogging community dig, but also because, honestly, without regular Santana and Quinn scenes, nothing else could make me continue watching it. Also – if you take the cumulative storyline this season, it’s…Marley had a fake eating disorder, there’s a love triangle somewhere in there, everybody broke up, a trophy was stolen, they don’t have the use of the choir room, and New Rachel just became barely unrecognizable. And maybe Santana will go to New York…
As for the Santana and Quinn kiss…sigh…this show is incapable of showing girls JUST AS FRIENDS. I actually liked them as friends – they’re the only two people who can legit call each other out on their B.S. And also, what’s sad is, I feel like they’re not genuinely concerned about visibility so much as sweeps week and ratings. It’s sad.
Wait — LAUNDRY TOMB!?!!?!
THANK YOU I’M GLAD SOMEBODY IS CONCERNED ABOUT THE LAUNDRY TOMB
I’m very concerned. I skipped reading the rest of the recap and went straight to skimming the comments needing to know if that story is true. Is it? If it is it’s like living inside a Poe story; I might be jealous, actually. Maybe.
yes it’s totally 100% true!
Can you write a post about just the laundry tomb? Because I have so many questions. How did his son die? Was the father a shut-in or did any family/friends visit and ask like, hey, where’s your son? Don’t decomposing bodies have a smell you can’t ignore? Did they call a company like the Sunshine Cleaners from that cute movie with Emily Blunt? Is the cheaper rent worth it? I can’t help but think it would be TOTALLY worth, especially in NYC. I imagine it would be like when Whole Foods sells sushi half-price after 8pm and tastes the same and is totally worth it. Is it like that, or is it haunting?
Um, yeah…I’m gonna need a copy of your Glee calendar, like yesterday.
Can this seriously be a thing? I forgot that September was my favourite month.
1) Lorna’s name is Elektra, but Lorna is better.
2) Is this calendar shoot…legal…for high school students?
3) I don’t care, but the Fapezberry made my face hurt from smiling. Bonus points for Quinn’s smirk when Rachel looks up Santana’s video online. You know she’s bookmarked that since Day 1.
4) I still hate this show, but any inclination that Quinn is a pressed lemon made canon is a good thing.
I’m dubious about the legality of the calendar shoot as well…I mean they’re all at least underage
“you know whatever, it’s Glee”
that is all
The best part about this recap is THE CALENDAR AT THE END WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL GIRLS OF GLEE! I think I died and went to heaven. Happy now!
Great recap! (Also, best screenshots for the Quinn-Santana-Rachel song!).
The Glee ladies calendar has now made me re-think my love of some months.
This week on Glee, all the men took their shirts off and all of the women kept their shirts on!
I WANTED THE OPPOSITE OF THIS
It wasn’t until I saw Riese’s version of the Glee calendar at the end that I realized just how insanely hot Jenna Ushkowitz is.
I like the girls calendar more better.
Was very happy to see Santana and Quinn. Patiently waiting for the NYC Spin-off so I can only watch Santana, Quinn, Rachel, and Kurt. And in that order.
You put Santana in my birthday month (July), which means I officially love you. Forever and always.