Glee 412 Recap: Naked Boys Singing!

Thus we gather our gear, load up the canoe and paddle back to Lima, Ohio, home to four Burger Kings and one Buffalo Wild Wings, where Tina’s hitting up Blaine for a post-school shopping trip when Sam shows up in the hallway, topless; wearing only sunglasses, orange board-shorts and Uggs.
Glee412-00108
Blaine asks if Sam’s gone nude ’cause he’s overcompensating for flopping on the SATs, but Sam deflects, suggesting Blaine’s just jealous of his hard core rockin’ bod. Also Blaine probably wants to give Sam a rim job, but that’s neither here nor anywhere. Hey Tina!

Tina: “Uh, for the record, Blaine has an awesome body and a perky and delicious behind that looks like it got baked to perfection by some sort of master chef.”

Oh boy.

wait, was that a talking potato?

just spotted the ghost of quinn’s wheelchair


Smear on over to the McKinley High School locker room for Sam’s “Modern Centerfold: Techniques That Work For Today’s Hot Young Posers” course, modeled after the award-winning seminar by the same name at The Learning Annex.

Glee412-124

Sam dishes the dirt on sit-ups, hair removal, and stuffing their shorts with socks to make their penises appear larger. I’m not making that up. This quickly gets naughty enough to warrant a hormonal explosion of “It’s Getting Hot in Here,” starring the Men of Glee and the portable Cheerios of Glee. There’s also crunches, jumproping, spray-tanning, sprinting in bodysuits like zombie wrestlers, frequent trips to the scale of death and some stomach pinching.

guess who else has a crush on sam

guess who else has a crush on sam

all the cheerios are tops

all the cheerios are tops

I think the point of this performance is to make sure all the baby gayboys out there who find comfort in Glee‘s message that beauty is on the inside hate themselves.


We cut over to the Teacher’s Lounge, where Sue challenges Rumbledethumps’s decision to peddle smut throughout these “hallowed halls.” Rumbledethumps, always a wiley boy, calls Sue out on a previous Penthouse photospread she spread-eagled back in the day and threatens to xerox it and sell it to raise money for regionals, which honestly is the most cost-effective idea he’s had yet.

well hello there mister worm

well hello there mister worm

I tried to care but then I fell asleep and when I woke up I was surrounded by Care Bears on a cloud and everybody was eating butterscotch and filing their nails and little children sang sweet songs like the one about rowing your boat.


We then zip back across the country to the Barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick loft, where Geyerdean’s supporting Rachel’s decision to go topless in “My Grandma Is The End Of The World, Also Boobs” by going full frontal 24/7.

cock-a-doodle-do

cock-a-doodle-do

Kurt’s shocked/awed by this eyeball assault and subsequently by Rachel’s announcement that she’s letting everybody see her boobs for free. Kurt tells her that she shouldn’t do nudity in a student art film, which I agree with, but he uses the worst possible words and ideas to say it (I believe “Slutty Barbie” was invoked).

ok now it's your turn to put a condom on the banana

ok now it’s your turn to put a condom on the banana

The New Rachel insists that she’s growing up, like a plant.

omg jodie foster

i can’t believe they cast Sam Claflin as Finnick


Back in Lima, Ohio, Marley-Kate and her boring boyfriend New Puck perform a platitudinous rendition of a Terrible Song I Hate Just Kidding I Sometimes Sing Along When It’s On The Radio But Don’t Tell Anybody. Um, it’s Christina Perri’s “A Thousand Years.”

bla bla bla bla bla zzzzzzzzzz

bla bla bla bla bla zzzzzzzzzz

Will Marley tell Jake that she loves him? I’m on the edge of my seat, actually not anymore, I’m on the floor now, that’s how close I was to the edge of my seat for the next breathtaking development in this breathtaking relationship.


Elsewhere in this esteemed academic institution, Rumbledethumps recruits Artie to track down Sue’s Penthouse situation, and Artie’s pleased as punch about this pornographic turn of events. Also, he doesn’t wanna be in the calendar because boys have body image issues too.

is it just me or does it smell like in-and-out in here

is it just me or does it smell like in-n-out in here

Artie insists his body is “broken” and Finn unhelpfully prods him in the direction of a spread featuring Artie lying on a bed surrounded by fluffy pillows. Artie politely declines:

Artie: “Finn, you’re not hearing me. I don’t want to pose for the calendar. and that whole pillow scenario you just described is incredibly emasculating. It’s not just girls that have body issues. Sometimes guys aren’t cool with showing off their bodies, either.”

Rumbledethumps then backs off and lets Artie go his own way, after sharing some sanctimonius sentiment about it being cool to keep a part of yourself private and Artie being brave.


Cut to Tina and Fake Quinn dropping in on the Muscly Manroom of Lockers and Steel to deliver wardrobe directions and when they leave, the boys pump some iron and josh around. New Puck says he lovs Marley and Ryder Bieber-Strong says he should tell her. Gripping stuff.

yes you're very pretty

yes you’re very pretty

Turns out New Puck thought Marley-Kate was gonna drop the L-Bomb after their duet and was sad that she didn’t. He doesn’t think he’s got what it takes to say it first.


Smear to the Glee Club Room where New Puck is putting me, my unborn children and their children and their children’s children and a tribe of dancing vegans to sleep.

and iiiiiiiiiiiii willlllll alwaaaayyysss loveeee youuuuuuuuuuuuu

and iiiiiiiiiiiii willlllll alwaaaayyysss loveeee youuuuuuuuuuuuu

It’s Ne-Yo’s “Let Me Love You”! Fake Quinn says all there is to say about it:


Then we, the audience, get on our scooters, swing by Kentucky, hop a train to New Haven and zip on over to the barbie Dreamhouse Bushwick Loft, where The New Rachel waltzes into her apartment to find…

mhm. it's threesome time.

mhm. it’s threesome time.

Santana: “Lady Hummel called begging us to do an emergency intervention.”
Rachel: “On who?”
Quinn: “You.”


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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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34 Comments

    • At first I was completely opposed to the idea of Indy being the “Paris of Indiana.” And then I realized, what the fuck else would be? Certainly not Muncie. Certainly not anywhere in Southern Indiana. So fine. They can be the Paris of Indiana.

      • Well, I’m kinda biased, because I love my blue oasis of democratic party-ism in the middle of this hellish red state.

        We’re missing decent public transit, but Indianapolis has spawned some really amazing stuff over the past five years – A fascinating arts/theater scene, great local food, excellent craft breweries, a thriving environmental movement, exciting bicycle activism, young folks starting their own businesses, and most exciting for me – an enthusiastic writer’s community is coming together. “Paris of Indiana” isn’t very far from the mark.

        I know that Ryan Murphy was probably being a snarky asshole with that line, but I’m really happy I decided against moving to Chicago when my wife and I got married.

          • Yeah, but Chicago is way too busy for us. Also, the cost of living in Indy is really low, so we have a huge house for not much money and enough square footage for our own library, which wouldn’t be possible in Chicago.

        • The writing scene has gotten pretty good. I have a ton of friends and acquaintances involved in it and I’ve been to a bunch of readings there. It’s always an awesome experience. Also, they have Yats, which is maybe my favorite “bang for your buck” restaurant in all of Indiana.

  1. SPOILERS (does anyone really care at this point?)

    Everyone heard the dish on Quinn and Santana kissing, right? Because unfortunately my only caveat for me coming back to “Glee” was “Quinn makes out with a chick,” so goddammit, they’ve got me.

    /SPOILERS

    Now who wants to come over and watch my bootleg copy of Lea Michele in “Spring Awakening?”

    • This. I’ve been off the Glee train for months, only to hear about this. Flash forward to Saturday evening, with my whole day dedicated to back episodes of Glee and me full of self-loathing.

      This is SUCH an unhealthy relationship.

      • vending machine, I think we might be the same person.

        Lora, I’m skeptical for a couple reasons:

        SPOILERS AHEAD

        The information we got was someone tweeting Ryan Murphy: “Quinn will kiss Santana?” and he replied “Yes”.

        Nobody said that the kiss would be on the lips.
        Nobody said that the kiss would be shown. For all we know, they’ll talk about it in past tense.

        Then again, it is Sweeps Week, and Glee is pretty predictable with regards to what the spoilers mean. I don’t remember a time when people thought the spoilers meant one thing and then they actually meant another.

        END SPOILERS

    • Stopped watching “Glee” after that lesbian blogging community dig, but also because, honestly, without regular Santana and Quinn scenes, nothing else could make me continue watching it. Also – if you take the cumulative storyline this season, it’s…Marley had a fake eating disorder, there’s a love triangle somewhere in there, everybody broke up, a trophy was stolen, they don’t have the use of the choir room, and New Rachel just became barely unrecognizable. And maybe Santana will go to New York…

      As for the Santana and Quinn kiss…sigh…this show is incapable of showing girls JUST AS FRIENDS. I actually liked them as friends – they’re the only two people who can legit call each other out on their B.S. And also, what’s sad is, I feel like they’re not genuinely concerned about visibility so much as sweeps week and ratings. It’s sad.

      • I’m very concerned. I skipped reading the rest of the recap and went straight to skimming the comments needing to know if that story is true. Is it? If it is it’s like living inside a Poe story; I might be jealous, actually. Maybe.

          • Can you write a post about just the laundry tomb? Because I have so many questions. How did his son die? Was the father a shut-in or did any family/friends visit and ask like, hey, where’s your son? Don’t decomposing bodies have a smell you can’t ignore? Did they call a company like the Sunshine Cleaners from that cute movie with Emily Blunt? Is the cheaper rent worth it? I can’t help but think it would be TOTALLY worth, especially in NYC. I imagine it would be like when Whole Foods sells sushi half-price after 8pm and tastes the same and is totally worth it. Is it like that, or is it haunting?

  2. 1) Lorna’s name is Elektra, but Lorna is better.
    2) Is this calendar shoot…legal…for high school students?
    3) I don’t care, but the Fapezberry made my face hurt from smiling. Bonus points for Quinn’s smirk when Rachel looks up Santana’s video online. You know she’s bookmarked that since Day 1.
    4) I still hate this show, but any inclination that Quinn is a pressed lemon made canon is a good thing.

  3. The best part about this recap is THE CALENDAR AT THE END WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL GIRLS OF GLEE! I think I died and went to heaven. Happy now!

    Great recap! (Also, best screenshots for the Quinn-Santana-Rachel song!).

    M

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