Glee 412 Recap: Naked Boys Singing!

We return from a commercial break to the now-lady-enhanced Barbie Bushwick Dreamhouse Loft for a sex romp. Just kidding! For a conversation.

i don't know who to make out with first they're both so shiny

i don’t know who to make out with first they’re both so shiny

Santana, always the practical sassy bitch, insists that going nude is a non-no, but Rachel insists it’s just topless, not full nudity, to which Santana retorts “topless is as nude as anyone is ever gonna wanna see you.”

hey i think you have shampoo in your ear

from this angle I could almost imagining nibbling on Quinn’s little ears

Quinn, always the practical posh queen bee, breaks it down using the “2-2-2 rule,” which involves imagining your feeling about the nude scene in 2 days, two months or two years.

Quinn: “In two weeks, how are you gonna feel about the nude scene?”
Santana: “You’ll probably feel pretty great.”
The New Rachel: “Yeah.”
Santana: “You’ll get to feel a nice, cool breeze on them skeeter bites, you’ll feel refreshed, even.”
Quinn: “Then how are you gonna feel about it two months from now?”
The New Rachel: “I don’t know. Nervous. Worried it won’t even be good.”
Santana: “Rachel, it’s a student film. It’s not gonna be good.”
Quinn: “And two years from now? How are you gonna feel about it then?”
The New Rachel: “Guilty. just hoping my kids won’t ever see it online.”

Santana, who has experience with such things, insists that her kids will definitely see “My Grandmother Is Endgame And Also My Rack” on the Tube of You. Rachel isn’t sure she wants to take advice from the star of “One Night In Santana,” but Santana maintains her party line — challenging Rachel to google her for proof of what a mistake that was for Santana to make.

admittedly the second one is me

admittedly the second one is me

Santana confirms that’ll exist forever, and Rachel, still grasping for a thread of permisiveness in a situation you know she’s already barely on board with, tries “some women find it empowering to be naked on film” because hello, Romi Klinger and hellloooo Gia, and Santana points out, “Yes, but not in a student film that is probably about somebody’s grandma with Alzheimer’s.”

start slow with just one finger and just pop it up in there

start slow with just one finger and just pop it up in there

Exactly. As I’ve perhaps said already, possibly more than once, Rachel Berry should save her breasts for a down payment on a new waterslide or a Baby Berry’s college education, but of course nobody ever asks me what I think about these things. The “it’ll be on the internet forever” argument isn’t really that compelling, considering it’s unlikely Rachel Berry will never consent to a topless scene in the future and this isn’t really about whether or not anybody should be filmed or photographed naked, it’s about how up-and-coming actresses specifically should think about nudity. Everybody else should just take off their shirts right now though. If they’re comfortable with it, of course.

Quinn: “Rachel, We care about you.”
Santana: “And for once, Rachel, we actually have your best interests in mind.”
Quinn: “Please don’t do it.”

Back in the clothing-optional locker room of the great McKinley High School, the burly men of McKinley are posing in Walgreen’s holiday leftovers while Tina’s vagina explodes.

smile, you're gonna be on a weird buzzfeed list of bad calendars

smile, you’re gonna be on a weird buzzfeed list of bad calendars

But during Sam’s turn, he freaks out that he’s lost his “pump” and storms offset to pump more iron. Blaine, best boyfriend ever, follows Sam into his cell of self-reproach where Sam notes that making it in this world requires specialness, but Blaine insists Sam’s specialness far exceeds his need for hot-bodiedness and then recites some crap from Glamour about eating a bag of Cheetos and skipping workouts sometimes.

it's my special move, the pout-and-puff

it’s my special move, the pout-and-puff

I feel like when you have a crush on someone, the last thing you ever wanna do is disagree with them or challenge them on a personal issue, and so I admire Blaine’s commitment to doing the right thing anyhow. Obviously he really cares about Sam, so.

In the teacher’s lounge, Rumbledethumps snags Sue confessing to her past life as a centerfold by producing a manilla envelope he claims holds her Penthouse just like they did it in The Newsroom.

and here i thought there was nobody on earth who could punish me for giving up on the newsroom

and here i thought there was nobody on earth who could punish me for giving up on the newsroom

Cut to Emma’s Office Of Special Hopes and Dreams, where Blaine’s brought Sam to discuss his Future Options, such as colleges which don’t give a shit about SAT scores and scholarships available to people who can write essays.


coincidentally, sarah lawrence uses the same tagline

Starsweep back to the East Coast, where Rachel’s on the set of a ridiculous student film, replete with haphazard cardboard columns and an ambitious rollocking steam machine reminiscent of the Bleacher Creatures performance at the 1988 Melody on Ice celebration in Ann Arbor. I believe I played a “bat boy.”

River in flames, cities on fire. Yes, I'm a relic trapped in the wire.

River in flames, cities on fire.
Yes, I’m a relic trapped in the wire.

The New Rachel gets nervous when it’s time to drop the robe and requests the entire crew get naked and they’re all about it because men are THE BEST really THE BEST humans.

best boom guy ever

best boom guy ever

With all the men relatively undressed, shooting starts back up and Lorna launches back into Lorna Hootenanny:

Lorna: “Okay, you’re lost. Are you awake, is this a dream? Perhaps a life lived long ago, and now you see him: Titus. You’re filled with a carnal hunger. You need to be naked now. And drop the robe.”

The New Rachel, perhaps a tad chilly in this cold tomb of artistic despair, remains clothed. She can’t do it:

listen i'm saving my topless scene for an indie lesbian arthouse film, okay?

listen i’m saving my topless scene for an indie lesbian arthouse film, okay?

The New Rachel: “I think it’s okay for actresses to be naked and – and – maybe someday I’ll be ready, but… I just realized that…I’m not ready to be naked now.”
Lorna: “Well then what you can do now is get the hell of my grandmother’s lovescape.”

“Get the hell out of my grandmother’s lovescape” is pure poetry, so this’d be a good time to drop the mike but alas we plow forward unexpectedly into a big bright tomorrow featuring Santana Lopez, Quinn For Real, The New Rachel and another insufferable slice of American pop music, Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.”

this would actually be a bit better topless

this would actually be a bit better topless

i finally figured out how to get that fucking diva cup in and god it feels great!

i finally got that diva cup in!!!

"marry meeeeee"

it was then that rachel realized she’d love quinn forever and nothing could ever change that

damn am i gonna smack that ass later

damn am i gonna smack that ass later

they really went all out with the lighting for this one

they really went all out with the lighting for this one

i carry you in my heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)

Rachel asks her girlfriends to stick around for dinner and they quickly agree to stick around, because there is no time in Glee, but more importantly:

Santana: “I’m in no rush to get back to Kentucky. I think I could get used to it here in New York. It’s more my speed.”


Back at McKinley, Blaine finds his forlorn lover alone in an empty room, full of despair, not writing his essay.

dude you coulda waited til my time was up with these whitestrips

dude you coulda waited til my time was up with these whitestrips

Luckily Blaine figured out how to use the new iMovie and has thrown together a video tribute to his mancrush starring everybody — Mercedes says Sam gave her the confidence to move to LA, Santana says he got her into songwriting, Rumbledethumps mentions how Sam supported his family, Artie notes a trophy-rescue I’ve long forgotten, Tina says he busted the Warblers, etc etc. And Brit-Brit, unfortunately making the case for her spot as Worst Girlfriend of the Year, thanks Sam for doing the first Sean Connery impression ever.

Blaine: “Now that’s your essay.”

oh right i used to date mercedes, whatever happened to that

oh right i used to date mercedes, whatever happened to that

Sam gives Blaine a hug but they don’t make out.

The following day in the hallowed hallways of McKinley High, Sam confronts Artie about the lack of models for two of the very best months of the year. Turns out the show just can’t go on without Artie.

but not today, look at this sweater i'm wearing

but not today, look at this sweater i’m wearing

Sam says he understands Artie wants to be known for his brain and not his biceps, and that’s why Sam is volunteering to also don an actual shirt in the calendar to make Artie feel less alone. I guess what happens next is they re-shoot a bunch of pictures, at which point I’m certain the cost of the photoshoot will far exceed any calendar profits but you know whatever, it’s Glee, so, NEXT!


Cut to The Glee Room, where calendars are flying off the folding tables like hot potatoes or Beanie Babies that one year when Beanie Babies were super popular. Humans are so weird.

don't press so hard it's my favorite pen!!!!

don’t press so hard it’s my favorite pen!!!!

Rumbledethumps declares they’ve sold 350 dollars of calendars, which’s abysmal. Even if they’re slinging these puppies for $10 a piece, they’ve surely sold more than 35. But you know, whatever, it’s Glee.

Then New Puck tells Marley-Kate that he loves her using a sharpie and nobody cares:

you can't tell though cuz i have my pumpkin on

you can’t tell though cuz i have my pumpkin on

Except Marley-Kate, she cares and she loves him too.

yes, i bought 67 copies of the bklyn boihood calendar and now i am going to leave you

fuck i hope he doesn’t notice the autostraddle calendar hiding behind his calendar

We then transition into a performance of a song entitled “New Year” and basically it looks like a Gap ad.

sam sings the song of my heart

sam sings the song of my heart

The moral of today’s story is that gay people and women are the best at all the things and can fix all the problems and therefore we should be put in charge ASAP.

In any event, if this recap left you hungry for a Calendar full of ladies, the 2013 Autostraddle calendar, featuring amazing photography of half-naked hot queers, is available now for only $13 in the store, and also, if you’re not already aware of this, INTERN GRACE IS MISS FEBRUARY 2014. Regardless of those options, here’s how I would’ve done the Glee calendar had anybody asked me, which, of course, they did not. Because they never do.









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Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2886 articles for us.


    • At first I was completely opposed to the idea of Indy being the “Paris of Indiana.” And then I realized, what the fuck else would be? Certainly not Muncie. Certainly not anywhere in Southern Indiana. So fine. They can be the Paris of Indiana.

      • Well, I’m kinda biased, because I love my blue oasis of democratic party-ism in the middle of this hellish red state.

        We’re missing decent public transit, but Indianapolis has spawned some really amazing stuff over the past five years – A fascinating arts/theater scene, great local food, excellent craft breweries, a thriving environmental movement, exciting bicycle activism, young folks starting their own businesses, and most exciting for me – an enthusiastic writer’s community is coming together. “Paris of Indiana” isn’t very far from the mark.

        I know that Ryan Murphy was probably being a snarky asshole with that line, but I’m really happy I decided against moving to Chicago when my wife and I got married.

          • Yeah, but Chicago is way too busy for us. Also, the cost of living in Indy is really low, so we have a huge house for not much money and enough square footage for our own library, which wouldn’t be possible in Chicago.

        • The writing scene has gotten pretty good. I have a ton of friends and acquaintances involved in it and I’ve been to a bunch of readings there. It’s always an awesome experience. Also, they have Yats, which is maybe my favorite “bang for your buck” restaurant in all of Indiana.

  1. SPOILERS (does anyone really care at this point?)

    Everyone heard the dish on Quinn and Santana kissing, right? Because unfortunately my only caveat for me coming back to “Glee” was “Quinn makes out with a chick,” so goddammit, they’ve got me.


    Now who wants to come over and watch my bootleg copy of Lea Michele in “Spring Awakening?”

    • This. I’ve been off the Glee train for months, only to hear about this. Flash forward to Saturday evening, with my whole day dedicated to back episodes of Glee and me full of self-loathing.

      This is SUCH an unhealthy relationship.

      • vending machine, I think we might be the same person.

        Lora, I’m skeptical for a couple reasons:


        The information we got was someone tweeting Ryan Murphy: “Quinn will kiss Santana?” and he replied “Yes”.

        Nobody said that the kiss would be on the lips.
        Nobody said that the kiss would be shown. For all we know, they’ll talk about it in past tense.

        Then again, it is Sweeps Week, and Glee is pretty predictable with regards to what the spoilers mean. I don’t remember a time when people thought the spoilers meant one thing and then they actually meant another.


    • Stopped watching “Glee” after that lesbian blogging community dig, but also because, honestly, without regular Santana and Quinn scenes, nothing else could make me continue watching it. Also – if you take the cumulative storyline this season, it’s…Marley had a fake eating disorder, there’s a love triangle somewhere in there, everybody broke up, a trophy was stolen, they don’t have the use of the choir room, and New Rachel just became barely unrecognizable. And maybe Santana will go to New York…

      As for the Santana and Quinn kiss…sigh…this show is incapable of showing girls JUST AS FRIENDS. I actually liked them as friends – they’re the only two people who can legit call each other out on their B.S. And also, what’s sad is, I feel like they’re not genuinely concerned about visibility so much as sweeps week and ratings. It’s sad.

      • I’m very concerned. I skipped reading the rest of the recap and went straight to skimming the comments needing to know if that story is true. Is it? If it is it’s like living inside a Poe story; I might be jealous, actually. Maybe.

          • Can you write a post about just the laundry tomb? Because I have so many questions. How did his son die? Was the father a shut-in or did any family/friends visit and ask like, hey, where’s your son? Don’t decomposing bodies have a smell you can’t ignore? Did they call a company like the Sunshine Cleaners from that cute movie with Emily Blunt? Is the cheaper rent worth it? I can’t help but think it would be TOTALLY worth, especially in NYC. I imagine it would be like when Whole Foods sells sushi half-price after 8pm and tastes the same and is totally worth it. Is it like that, or is it haunting?

  2. 1) Lorna’s name is Elektra, but Lorna is better.
    2) Is this calendar shoot…legal…for high school students?
    3) I don’t care, but the Fapezberry made my face hurt from smiling. Bonus points for Quinn’s smirk when Rachel looks up Santana’s video online. You know she’s bookmarked that since Day 1.
    4) I still hate this show, but any inclination that Quinn is a pressed lemon made canon is a good thing.

  3. The best part about this recap is THE CALENDAR AT THE END WITH ALL THE ORIGINAL GIRLS OF GLEE! I think I died and went to heaven. Happy now!

    Great recap! (Also, best screenshots for the Quinn-Santana-Rachel song!).


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