Super Bowl XLVII OPEN THREAD: Beyonce vs. Beyonce

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Super Bowl XLVII is today! It’s pretty hard to miss this if you’re an American but some of us are pretty skilled at information avoidance. Today at 6:30pm EST on CBS, the AFC Champions Beyoncé Ravens will take on the NFC Champions the San Francisco Desti9ers. As amazing as it will be to watch a team of Beyoncés take on another team of Beyoncés, somehow the focus has been on the coaches of both teams. I know I’m not the only one who is surprised by Jay-Z not coaching both sides but apparently he is heavily invested in a professional basketball team and this is considered a conflict of interests. I don’t think the people that cited this as the reason quite understand this term. The actual coaches are Jim and John Harbaugh. I like to say it that way because it makes them sound like a couple. I would tell you which guy is coaching which team but I think if you actually care about that information, you already know the answer. And plus, coach Beyoncé? I don’t think either of them will have to do much.

The Ravens, finished the regular season with a 10–6 record. They last won the Super Bowl in 2001 when Carmen: A Hip Hopera inspired them to greatness. Ray Lewis, the MVP from that game, said he is retiring after the Super Bowl because, and I quote, “It has nothing to do with my body. I’m in the best shape of my life and 100% confident that having 300 pound men slam into me for half of my time on this earth will lead to no negative repercussions down the line. But if I play “Single Ladies” in the locker room one more time, I’m fairly certain my teammates will murder me.” He has mixed feelings about not playing in the game himself and was last seen leaving a Sally’s Beauty Supply with a variety of weaves and lip glosses.

San Francisco last won in 1995 and attempted to give Girl’s Tyme the trophy. A young Beyoncé turned them down saying the group didn’t deserve it. That didn’t stop the Desti9ers from using the publicity to bring notice to the atrocity that transpired on Star Search when the group lost. In recognition of their efforts, Beyoncé went on to name her group Destiny’s Child. The Niners, now a team of Beyoncés, are determined to win their sixth bowl and show themselves that this was not a mistake.

The Beyoncé Bowl can also be seen on cbssports.com. Beyoncé will take a break from beating/losing to herself to performing at halftime in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome of New Orleans. Other people will probably join her but who cares. Why ruin the Super Bowl with other people, ya know. Rumor has it that the puppies in the Puppy Bowl have unionized and gone on strike (led by Samuel Chompers) because they refuse to miss the performance. Now scabs, the kitties originally slated to perform as the halftime act, have volunteered to play the game and bring in bunnies for the halftime show. It’s hard out here for a cat. Who do you think is going to win?

Samuel Chompers

Samuel Chompers

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Brittani

Brittani Nichols is a Los Angeles based comedy person. When she's not tweeting about white people or watching television, she's probably eating pizza. Actually, she's probably doing all three of those things concurrently and when she's not doing THAT, she's sleeping. Brittani also went to Yale and feels weird about mentioning it but wants you to know.

Brittani has written 329 articles for us.

68 Comments

  2. GOOOOOOOOO RAVENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I’m probably the only person more excited by that than that Beyonce is singing, but I lived in Baltimore for the last four years and my stepdad grew up there, so I am super duper excited to see my birds in the Super Bowl! Currently, my jeans and socks are the only articles of clothing I have on that are not purple or black. Mostly purple.

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  5. This post is perfect: flawless as Beyoncé herself. But don’t tell her that because then she will add “corner the market on queer-centric independent blogospheres” to her list of things to conquer. And she will. Oh she wll… LGBeyTQ.

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  8. I was rooting for the 49ers until I found out about Beyonce at half-time at which point I started rooting for the second half to never begin and for Beyonce to be on my TV forever. But I still hope the niners are ahead at the end of first half.

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  11. I’m not quite sure what tone to take in this reply. Is this about Beyonce, whose music if I’m being honest, I really can’t abide, is it about puppies, if I’m being honest I can’t abide puppies – give me a cute kitten or pompus cat for company and I’m all set.

    Now, the Superbowl. I’m British, it doesn’t really register higly on my list of interests. Although I watch and indeed enjoy the odd game and might watch the Superbowl. The NFL is fairly popular on our shores, we get lots live games on the TV including the bowl and have a regular season game played in our capitol city, two later this year infact. Major American sport is strange to me – the concept of a self contained league with no promotion or relegation is odd. The fact that it’s possible for ‘franchises’ to up sticks and move some place else is odd. You wouldn’t get Liverpool FC being moved to the capitol and being renamed the London Scousers! You just can’t go moving teams around – Wimbledon to Milton Keyens doesn’t really count!

    Which is a long winded way of throwing my support behind the 49ers. You see they were Steeler fans on the radio, who hated the Ravens because they used to be the Cleveland Browns, whom they still hate because there is a new Browns. As an outsider – the Ravens look like a soulless franchise, a team that gave their City and fans the finger to chase their dreams and dollars some place else. And for that reason, sat atop my moral high horse I have to go with the 49ers.

    This was about Beyonce wasn’t it?

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    • I don’t think I have ever heard anyone state that they can’t abide puppies. I’m curious now. I can’t really abide babies much unless they are related to me, maybe we are on some common ground?
      And about the no promotion…doesn’t make sense so I am thinking it has different meaning coming from the British?

      This wasn’t anything about Beyonce, should it be, I am so confused.

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      • She means promotion and relegation in the way soccer does it. It would mean that the teams in last place would be “relegated” to a minor league, while the the top teams in the lower league would be “promoted” to the Majors. It gives the underdog a chance at the big stage. It is a great concept to make sure teams don’t “Suck for Luck” like the Colts did, since every game is important. Though, I don’t think American fans would ever stick to a team if it meant possibly not playing in the top league. We love winners.

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        • As a fan of one of the NFL’s perennial losers (the Detroit Lions) I don’t think this is such a bad idea, but only if as a result of a pattern of suckiness over several years rather than one lousy season and there’s an easy way to get back up to the majors if you’re good again.

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    • To give the whole picture, though, Baltimore previously lost their old team, the Baltimore Colts, to Indianapolis the same way. Cleveland at least quickly got a new team with the same name. Baltimore fans had to wait over a decade to get one. The way both teams did it was particularly mean-spirited, but it happens all the time in American sports. Baseball is even worse; you’d be hard-pressed to find a team (the Detroit Tigers are the only ones coming to mind for me) that hasn’t relocated at some point. Even some very old teams like the Yankees were originally located in other places (in their case, Baltimore). A lot of it has to do with differences in US and UK geography, namely that in the early part of the 20th century when a lot of professional sports leagues started, a lot of western cities weren’t as populated as they now are and as they added people, it became necessary to add more cultural features like pro sports teams, and the practices of teams moving to wherever the best money is just stuck.

      Also I think the Steelers-Ravens rivalry is more because they are in the same division and are the regular contenders for its championship (although Steelers sucked this year) than anything else.

      TL;DR: There’s more to the story than the incredibly one-sided one it seems you got on the radio.

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  12. When I lived in the US I didn’t get the football rules so this all didn’t mean much.
    Then, I got the rules, but no teams I truly cared about made it to the Super Bowl.
    Now, I get the rules AND a team I care about have made it (49ers, though they’ll prob lose)… However, BEYONCÉ. So yeah… maybe one day the game itself will be a priority. Just not today.

    Also, I’ve been live streaming the Puppy Bowl for days now without the slightest concern that I should be more productive with my time.

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  15. Ya know, I never got why something as male-driven as the Super Bowl would have half-time performers who appealed mostly to women and gay men…This year I get it.

    I like football, but don’t care who wins between the 49ers and Baltimore. Normally it’d be the East Coast team by default, but fan loyalty prohibits me from rooting for division rival Ravens. And I refuse to cheer for any California team. So, the only reason I’m “watching” is for the commercials and Beyonce. If the Super Bowl didn’t have this, I’d be channel surfing for a rerun of Sex and the City right now.

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    • Maybe because women make up an estimated 44-50% of the NFL’s fan base. Athletes, including football players, are very talented but girls are taught that it’s a boy’s domain. Us football fans know better!

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  16. I am trying to figure out why Jamaican accents are relevant to German cars. My maltipoo is begging for cheese like a champ. I just want to dance in my living room, I even put on the black leotard. Beyonce Bowl 2013 is a good time.

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  17. I’ve been chanting “BEYONCE! BEYONCE! BEYONCE!” in my living room for the past three hours and nothing is happening? But just a second ago I saw someone disparage Beyonce on Facebook because “the half-time show should have rock acts, real music, not crap like Beyonce or Nicki Minaj,” so I’m trying to tamp down these angry feelings by looking at Beyonce/football gifs on Tumblr and saying, “Seth, everyone is a Bay-on-say fan” in my best Kate McKinnon as Ann Romney voice.

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  27. Now the entire state of Maryland won’t be crying themselves to sleep.

    Well done Ravens. Perhaps I should have been rooting for the 49ers because they beat the Packers (and the Packers are my team) but Colin Kapernick looks like he’s really annoying. And I lived near Baltimore for six years. So there.

    When the power went out all I could think was…damn it, Beyonce, you broke the Super Bowl.

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  31. “I would tell you which guy is coaching which team but I think if you actually care about that information, you already know the answer.”

    This is true, but if anyone doesn’t know yet who might care, Jim was the one with the hilarious reaction shots throughout the game.

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  33. I was under the impression there would be more Destiny’s Child but I can’t really be mad. “Michelle is my favorite member of Destiny’s Child,” said no one, ever.

    I could watch Beyonce all. day. long. And she OWNS that camera. Obviously she’s a rockin’ dancer but she knows the camera’s going to do closeups on her face and she doesn’t waste a second making serious face love to the camera.

    Beyonce – we are not worthy!

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  35. So I’m British.
    And I think I’ve got a decent working knowledge of what the Superbowl is and then BAM
    This article comes along and screws my head right over

    But I don’t really care because Beyoncé.

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