100 Things That Are Orange, Ranked

This morning we had this fantastic idea to rank every orange thing. We knew it’d keep our minds sharp while I avoided thinking about my life and we all went nuts with anticipation regarding the impending release of Orange is the New Black Season Two. Now it’s dark outside! Where does the time go?

Here are 100 Orange Things, ranked very loosely and often arbitrarily but usually very deliberately. We eagerly await your feedback in the comments.


100 Things That Are Orange, Ranked

annoying-orange

100. Annoying Orange

“It’s the worst youtube thing to ever become an actual TV thing.”

Laneia, Executive Editor


garf

99. Garfield from the movies

“Garfield in the movies is the worst.”

 Forever Intern Grace


flames-of-hell

98. Burning Fires Of Hell

This is where gay people go when they die. Sorry IT’S TRUE.


97. Road Work Ahead Sign

This is your warning that in about three minutes, you’re gonna be miserable for the next three hours.


t1larg.terror.alerts.gi

96. Terror Alert Level Orange

Seems serious.


CarrotTop-1

95. Carrot Top

*Shrugs*


super-plus-tampax

94. Super Plus Tampax Tampons

Sometimes it felt like you are ramming an entire roll of paper towels up there and the cardboard was so slippery and the packaging was so bulky and thank g-d for ob.


tinypicdotcom

93. Bad Spray Tan Situations

This keeps coming up so I’m going with it.


mario

92. Mario Batali’s crocs

Rachel says it’s his “thing.”


orange-gchat

91. Orange Idle Notification in G-Chat

Red and green have definitions, orange could mean anything!


florida postcard

90. Florida In General

“Florida is a swamp, because of this it has quite a fertile landscape for the growth of oranges. People are really proud of Florida oranges and think they make Florida a special place. I used to have one in my backyard, but then it died after my mom died. This could have been a metaphorical thing, or it could have been because then nobody took care of the orange tree anymore. The license plate in Florida also prominently features an orange.”

– Chelsey, Editorial Assistant


89. Buffalo Wings

I just can’t with these.


slices

88. Kosher For Passover Orange Slice Situations

If I wanted to eat something orange during passover, I’d eat one of those weird/DELICIOUS kosher marshmallows, you know?


CircusPeanuts

87. Circus Peanuts

What is this fresh hell.


Hooters 30 birthday

86. Hooters

Once upon a time I went to Hooters with my frat boy boyfriend on our way to the porn store and he told me I should work at Hooters and I said my boobs weren’t big enough and he said that I could always wear a padded push-up bra or else I could get implants if I wanted to. Like I didn’t have to, because I was already perfect obviously, but you know, if I wanted to. Reader: I didn’t want to.


coloring-hair-ends-with-pastels

this isn’t my hair, this is just a picture i found on the internet

85. My hair every time I try to dye it blonde myself

Me: “Janet, just tell me what you think, honestly.”
My Friend Janet: “Anyone who told you that your hair looks good is trying to sabotage your life. You look like — like — a shiny copper penny! But it’s not even like, even!”

2006


comic-strip-stripes-garfield-on-lazy-cat-the-with-122124

84. Garfield in the comic strips

tbh I think he’s a little played out.


much-melon

83. Cantaloupe

Sorry I know a lot of people claim to like this shit but it really annoys me when I get a fruit salad and it’s almost all melon.


82. Traffic Cones

YOU AREN’T THE BOSS OF ME, TRAFFIC CONES.


CheetosCrop

81. Cheetos

Cheetos are good because they are delicious, but they are also bad because they are filled with terrible chemicals that will eat your stomach lining from the inside and turn you into a goblin.


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via shutterstock

80. Orange Soda

“I don’t like soda, any soda, so I don’t like orange soda, but the overpowering and dangerous media messaging of Kenan & Kel convinced me for years that I was depriving myself of something really life-changing. I’m over it now it’s fine.”

– Rachel, Senior Editor


hazmat

79. Hazmat Suits

This is what they wore to dig the dead body out of my apartment, I believe. (Don’t worry, it was like six years ago.)


pennies

78. Pennies

Did you know that in Canada pennies are illegal?


vitamin-c77. Vitamin C

Remember that song “Graduation (Friends Forever)”? Did you know that Vitamin C has her own Tommy Hilfiger lipstick color inspired by her signature orange hair? Honestly I’ll never know how you answered either of those questions, but I will forever wonder.


SAFETY!

RIESE AND ALEX LOVE SAFETY!

76. Life Vests

Life vests are great because they rescue you from drowning and give you something to lean on if you are hanging out in your canoe. They are also bulky and uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as being dead at the bottom of the ocean.


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75. “the gigantic container of utz cheese balls that you can buy at costco”


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74. Doritos

I wasn’t sure if Doritos would be considered good or bad, but Yvonne & Rachel both said they would be considered “good,” so this is where they ended up.


the-gates-art-project

73. The Gates At Central Park

lol remember when this happened


clockwork-orange

72. A Clockwork Orange

This book is really brilliant and amazing and also SUPER f*cked up and disturbing. I read it like three times when I was fourteen, that’s why I’m so weird now.



cheese-crackers-peanut-butter

71. Peanut Butter Crackers

Once upon a time, I ate these every day. It was a really special time for my overall health. #neverforget


Bert_and_Ernie

70. Ernie

The thing about Ernie is that he is a child so Bert and Ernie can’t actually be gay lovers. I wrote about this once, back before I got into serious journalism like this list.


sacral-chakra

69. The Sacral Chakra

Laneia copy/pasted this to me:

Location: The center of the abdomen

Color: Orange

Parts of the body: Reproductive system, sexual organs, lumbar plexus

Endocrine gland: Gonads

Sense: Sense of taste, appetite

Consciousness: This chakra is associated with the parts of the consciousness concerned with food and sex. It is about the body’s communication to the Being inside, about what the body wants and needs, and what it finds pleasurable. The person’s ability to have children is also associated with this chakra. If there is not a clear relationship with the element of water, associated with this chakra, the person’s relationship with water is a reflection of their relationship with the parts of their consciousness associated with this chakra, i.e. food, sex, or having children. This chakra is also associated with the emotional body, and the person’s willingness to feel their emotions.


1967_Shelby_Mustang_ad1

68. Orange & Black Muscle Cars

“Hey orange and black muscle cars are pure sex. You had sex right then just from thinking about them. OR MAYBE I JUST LIKE DYKES IN MUSCLE CARS AND BOLD COLOR CHOICES? Don’t worry about it. But seriously an orange 1967 Shelby Mustang is straight up sex, you guys.”

Laneia, Executive Editor


The 52nd Annual GRAMMY Awards - Arrivals

67. Hayley Williams’ Hair

This person is in the band Paramore and her hair sure is orange!


goldfish

66. Goldfish, the fish


goldfish-crackers-baked-snack-cheddar-33-5-oz-2-1-lb-950-g

65. Goldfish, the cracker


nyave

64. The Orange Properties in Monopoly

“The Mediterranean Avenue and Baltic Avenue are the least-landed-upon properties, while the orange properties (St. James Place, NY Avenue, and Tennessee Ave.) are the most, due to their proximity to Jail, making them the most lucrative monopoly in the game. Acquiring the orange monopoly gives you a very high probability of winning.”

Wikihow


davidsfox

63. David the Gnome’s Fox

I think Rachel has a weird definition of “orange” but I’m gonna roll with it anyhow.

“David the Gnome was a show about tiny gnome people united with adorable woodland creatures against large, scary trolls. One of David’s key allies was a helpful fox named Swift, who carried David about on his back like a little king of the forest. If I were ever going to be carried on the back of a woodland creature, it would definitely be this fox. ”

– Rachel, Senior Editor


012611homedepot_RMTNFOTO

62. Home Depot

“Home depot, the great electric orange experiment in home-based self-determination, where the availability and helpfulness of the staff is inversely proportionate to the square footage of the store.”

Marni, former Home Depot employee and A-Camp Co-Director


mac-and-cheese

61. Kraft Macaroni & Cheese

Because sometimes you just have to be like, “f*ck it.”


peppers

60. Orange Bell Peppers

The dark horse of the bell pepper family.


IMG_5395

59. This Cat Kate Used To Live With

This is Orlando, who I lived with in Philadelphia. He is a special cat who may or may not also be a dinosaur of some sort, based on the noises and faces he liked to make.”

Kate, Contributing Editor


Blogger-Logo58. Blogger

Without which none of us would be here today.


squash-soup

57. Butternut Squash Soup

There are actually SO many good orange soups out there that you should try, for example Carrot Ginger Soup and Pumpkin Soup! This is really just one of many, I want to be sure I get that message across.


creamsicle-image

56. Creamsicles

They’re so delicious!


shutterstock_145672691

55. Monarch Butterflies

They’re so pretty in the air and all over!


aphoto49721

54. The Golden Gate Bridge

I thought the Golden Gate Bridge was red, but apparently it is painted “International Orange.” You learn something new every dang day!


chicken_tikka_masala

53. Chicken Tikka Masala

I know it’s predictable but I think it’s predictable for a reason and that reason is; “it is good.”


meep-muppet-meep-up

52. Beeker the Muppet

Meep.


nemo

51. “Finding Nemo”

“I cried at Finding Nemo, and I’m only about 7% embarrassed to admit it, and my crying was only about 67% due to Ellen Degeneres’ portrayal of Dory. How much of my crying was due to Marlin’s being orange? That’s for me to know and you to find out by watching Finding Nemo again on your own and, let’s be honest, crying.”

Rachel, Senior Editor


persimmon-tree-1

50. Persimmons

“Persimmons are a smallish fruit that you can cut into pieces and put in your mouth and you will be so happy you did!”

Rachel, Senior Editor


49. Iceland Poppies

What if we had a whole field of these in our yard, what then.


essie

48. Orange Nail Polish

“I’m gonna buy some orange nail polish today and see how it goes. Megan will be pleased with that use of my time I’m sure.”

Laneia, Executive Editor


detroit-tigers-pennant-1940s

47. The Detroit Tigers

This is my home team, you see, so I can’t very well leave it out.


46. Sweet Mango Candletiny-candle

Once upon a time we had a rich friend and she took us all the way to Key Biscayne, Florida, to a fancy hotel. We went to the spa and had massages, and then we were all woozy and soft and happy. We asked why everything smelled so good and it turns out this hotel had a “signature scent” and that scent was “sweet mango” and those were the candles we’d been smelling.

So my rich friend got us each a Sweet Mango Candle to take home. We’d burn them in our tiny city apartments and try to remember what the ocean looked like and how beautiful it was to feel all woozy and soft and sweet-mango-style.


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45. Orange Sherbert

It tastes like summer and sunshine!


orangejimmy

44. Laneia’s Orange Jimi Wallet

“it is amazing and has lasted through so many bonnaroos and other things that are crazy, like dinah shore.”

Laneia, Executive Editor


claudia-donovan

43. Claudia Donovan’s Hair

Sometimes when I accidentally dye my hair orange I think, “maybe I could pull off a thing like Claudia” but really nobody is like Claudia, so.


Frank-Ocean-Channel-Orange

42. Frank Ocean’s “Channel Orange

“Channel Orange is basically the most perfect thing of all time, which i said in many more words that time I reviewed it for this website autostraddle dot com. a mix of raw, lesbian-like emotion (i can’t believe it’s not my diary!), the feeling of popping bottles, and fun, top-down cruising music, it provides you with everything you need for emotional catharsis in a relatively short period of time. frank ocean named the album after the color that reminded him of the gay love that shook his entire world, but it’s okay to listen to it even if you’re like me and the closest you get to appreciating orange in your homogay life is somewhere between your mustard yellow autumn sweater and burnt sienna crayons.”

Carmen Rios, Feminism Editor


safety-vest

41. Orange Safety Vests

“I think generally speaking wearing a high-visibility vest is always preferable to not wearing one.”

Marni, A-Camp Co-Director


Dried apricots

40. Dried Apricots

On a scale of 1 to ‘dried cherries,’ I give Dried Apricots two thumbs up!


39. Tiger Lilies

These used to grow in Rachel’s backyard when she lived in Doylestown, PA.


38. Carrots

They’re good for you!


sweet-potato-fries

37. Sweet Potato Fries

ALL THE POTATO FEELINGS.


orange-demo

36. Tegan & Sara “The Orange Demo”

I love “This is Everything” so much, I also think it’s a good song for kissing somebody you just recently fell in love with while you are autostraddling their lap.


35. Tigers

My favorite kind of tiger is probably Simba.


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34. Babies Dressed Up Like Tigers

I want to have a baby one day so I can dress it up like animals.


olga smoothie

33. Orange Cream Coolers

Olga’s in the mall has Orange Cream Coolers, if you wanted to go to the mall we could go together and get Orange Cream Coolers.


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32. The Rind of Munster Cheese

I like this kind of cheese so much that I rarely actually buy it because I feel like it’s too good to be true.


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31. Basketballs

“Basketballs are great because if you yell at them when they won’t go in the basket, they just keep doing their thing and they don’t get upset with you because they get it. They also are the best stress ball you could ask for. Spend some time caressing the leathery dimpled roundness of a basketball and there’s no way you won’t feel better.”

Brittani Nichols, Sports Editor


tigger4

30. Tigger

Love this guy. Barrel of laughs! Always in the mood to have a good time.


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29. Halloween

The official color of Halloween is orange.


ripley

28. Ripley’s Shirt in “Lumberjanes

“Ripley’s shirt is orange because that’s the color Noelle colored it in her original character design. I think it’s because no one was wearing orange yet.”

Forever Intern Grace


illinis

Riese in Illinois spirit gear circa 1984

27. The University of Illinois-Champaign

Because I got born in Champaign, Illinois, home of the Fighting Illini!


yvonne-orange26. The University of Texas – Austin

“Burnt orange does not look good on anyone but it is the official color of my alma mater, the University of Texas at Austin. And you better believe we have so much mothaf*cking TEXAS pride that we will wear our orange shirts frequently over four years and well into our post-grad days. We live and breathe one of our football mantras, “Come early. Be loud. Stay late. Wear orange.” Hook’em Horns!”

Yvonne Marquez, Associate Editor


reeses-pieces

25. Reese’s Pieces

I actually invented these, that’s why I like them so much. I stood right there in the factory and said “HEY, MORE PEANUT BUTTER.” They ignored me but luckily peanut butter M’n’Ms also exist and are excellent in their own special way.


animal

24. Animal the Muppet

Animal represents the animal inside all of us yearning to be free.


1997-oranges-2

23. Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit, by Jeanette Winterson

OR ARE THEY???!!


The-Original-Orange-Handled-Scissors-8_product_main

22. Scissoring


via shutterstock

via shutterstock

21. Nectarines

FRUITS ARE THE BEST OF ALL THINGS


cheez-its

20. Cheez-Its

I used to think that I had some kind of stomach problem because whenever I ate Cheez-Its I would feel really sick afterwards but now I realize I was just eating too many Cheez-Its.


new-mexico

19. Monument Valley

Sometimes when I look at pictures of beautiful things I’ve never seen with my own two eyes, I get “The Circle of Life” stuck in my head and it’s weird.


psh-up-pops18. Flintstones Push-Up Pops

These were my FAVORITES. Laneia used to save the plastic disc part from the bottom because they seemed really sturdy and reusable but she never really got to live her dream and figure out what to do with them, so.


2_WNBA_LOGO_ORANGE

17. The WNBA Logo

The WNBA loves lesbians, y’all, and thus we love the WNBA. It’s sort of like when that girl from high school finally comes out and you’re like, oh good, now we can get real.


16. Cheddar Cheese

CHEESE IS THE BEST FOOD


Calvin_and_Hobbes_by_savvy_weasley

15. Hobbes from “Calvin and Hobbes”

“Hobbes is the best, he is an imaginary friend that blurs the line between real and make-believe. He looks like he would be great to cuddle with and his perspective on life was very valuable to me as I grew up. To sum, I leave you with this quote from a Calvin + Hobbes strip that I memorized in my youth. It’s from the G.R.O.S.S. chant– Three cheers for First Tiger and El Presidente, Hobbes! The delight of all cognoscenti. He’s savvy, he has a prodigious I.Q. And lots of panache, as all tigers do. In his fancy chapeau he’s a leader with taste, May his orders be heeded and his views be embraced.”

DJ Carlytron, A-Camp Special Programming Director


prescription-bottles

14. Prescription Bottles

Nothing beats ’em.


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13. Fresh-Squeezed Orange Juice

My pal Marni and I recently had brunch at Little Louie’s cafe in Point Richmond and the fresh-squeezed orange juice was the all-time greatest, which was a big relief because it was also really expensive.


Riese in a pile of leaves circa 1984

Riese in a pile of leaves circa 1984

12. Autumn Leaves

As illustrated I have enjoyed the autumn leaves pretty much since birth.


rachel oranges

11. This picture of Rachel holding a bag of oranges in Palm Springs

Where did these oranges even come from? Also notice how Rachel is holding them as if the oranges are a baby in a diaper who needs to be changed. This is proof that Rachel will be a great mother one day.


grand-canyon

10. The Grand Canyon

IT’S ONLY ONE OF THE GRANDEST THINGS ON THE WHOLE GOSHDARN PLANET!!!


peaches

9. Peaches

A bit of time ago, I was going on a hike, and like most of the times I go on hikes, it didn’t really occur to me until we arrived at the hike-site that maybe I should’ve eaten more than half an Odwalla bar for breakfast if I planned on, you know, hiking. Then my pal was like, here, I have a peach in my bag do you want to eat it, and I was like, yesand it was delicious. Then we hiked a billion miles and got super lost but that’s another story.


8. Clementines

I like clementines a little bit better than oranges, but they aren’t as versatile, so. Look at those tiny little rounded wedges of orangey goodness ugh.


Bulleit-Bourbon

7. Bulleit Bourbon

This is the best Bourbon in the whole universe in my opinion, and therefore it is the best beverage in the whole universe.


6. Campfires

Because then it means we’re at camp. Can you bring your guitar and the flask and I guess also some water and a blanket, we can sit underneath it together.


1-IMG_2138

5. These Books

These are all the books on my bookshelves with orange spines! I was surprised there weren’t more, because Penguin really likes the color orange, but here we are. As you can tell I buy all my books brand new and then I keep my books in pristine condition.


on-the-road

4. This Book


sunset

the view out my bedroom window HAHAAHAHA JK I mean “via shutterstock

3. Sunsets

You can’t beat a sunset! One time I played rock-paper-scissors and sunset won EVERY TIME. Every single time you guys.


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2. Oranges

Oranges are the reason that oranges are orange.


I dunno I heard you guys kinda like this show? Confirm/deny?

I dunno I heard you guys kinda like this show? Confirm/deny?

1. Orange is The New Black

IS IT TIME YET LESBIAN JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER IS IT TIME YETTTTT

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Riese is the 39-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2854 articles for us.

60 Comments

  1. I haven’t finished reading this I just came here to tell everyone that circus peanuts are the fucking worst. I mean I’ve never actually tasted one so i’m just judging with my eyes and brainparts.

  2. i am here to protest persimmons on your list because they make my tongue feel gross and i think i am allergic to them and once i had to wear a persimmon bridesmaid dress and i hated it.

    also laneia let me direct you to this cover girl nail polish called “rogue red” which is actually glittery orange, like, are they stupid? it is definitely not red. it’s really good though. i bought it at rite aid, in a section marked ‘hunger games,’ so i dunno, it’s pretty fancy.

  3. I just want to say I really love 70,52,24. I am, one could say obsessed, with all things Muppets and Jim Henson. I was so glad to see them on the list. As well as 30 and 15, cartoon tigers are also a thing I immensely love. <3

  4. I just read this whole thing and now I desperately want cheetos and cheez-its but there are NONE NEAR ME and I might have to settle for cheese on a triscuit but it is just Not going to be the same.

  5. This is a fine piece of journalism, and I appreciate the diligence and research that goes into making such a thoroughly researched list, but… I must respectfully disagree with the placement of Cheez-it crackers so far above the perennial classic Goldfish crackers (is there even a cracker more perfect?).

    And also, I had forgotten about creamsicles. Thank you.

  6. I am massively disturbed by the lack of barbecue chips on this list.

    The only time I have seen a hazmat suit in action (in a picture in the newspaper), it was green. Maybe that’s because it was a bomb squad? Special colors for special departments?

    I’m not sure about all this strange hazmat suit business, so I think the bbq chips should take their place.

  7. Ahhhh…I love this article. Please never stop making “vapid fluff” articles. I was having a rough day you know trying to beat the patriarchy and this is just fantastic.

    DON’T EVER STOP & DON’T PUT BABY IN THE CORNER.

  8. Thank you for reminding me that David the gnome exists. I had the full collection of gnomes books on my shelf as a child and all the spines lines up together spelled out Gnomes…IN ORANGE!

  9. This post is actually kind of cute if you’re NOT from The Netherlands, where the national color is ORANGE and days such as Queens/Kingsday, sport events such as world/europian soccer championships, speed skating events are covered in this color. I can’t even walk into a grocery store without being vommited on by orange soccer memorabilia. My connotation with the color orange is bad bad bad, but I’m very happy for the show to be back.

  10. In Addition to Mylou’s post though : Orange is also the color of the Dutch field hockey team and those girls are not only the best team in the world (reigning Olympic champion) but have also 4 or 5 out players on the team.

  11. i have a theory that cantaloupe farmers have insane lobbyists who struck a deal requiring all fruit salads be at least 70% cantaloupe. that’s is the only explanation, right?

    #cantaloupeisnottheonlyfruit.

  12. My friend just told me she wasn’t allowed to watch David the Gnome because apparently it had really backwards ideas about the role of women. Her parents were afraid it would have a bad influence. Seeing he’s on a list on autostraddle, the influence couldn’t have been all bad?

    • i LOVED david the gnome growing up, but while writing this list i realized i can’t remember anything specific about it other than the episode where they save a bunch of bunnies on a raft, so who knows, really.

  13. This list is possibly my newest favorite thing ever. We were just learning about the sacral chakra in my yoga class today. Also the bit about 1967 orange Shelby Mustang was beautiful because my dad currently has a 1989 Shelby CSX which he’s thinking about selling and that’s the type of car he wants to buy. Also Claudia Donovan CAN WE JUST I definitely have had a crush on her when I was younger.

  14. First of all, YES ANY MUSCLE CAR THAT HAS BOLD COLORS IS STRAIGHT UP SEX.

    I LOVE CALVIN AND HOBBES!! My moms has been reading and re-reading my compilation books for the last 4 years I think. I never see those books anymore. She says she’s still using them. O.O

  15. After reading “creamsicles” my eyes glazed over into nostalgia mode, and I briefly longed for the creamsicle hair (bleached with a couple orange panels) I had when I was 19. Briefly. Every so very briefly.

    Also: candy corn. Circus peanuts made the list but not candy corn?? Clearly you didn’t consult a candy expert for this article, which really makes me question your journalism..

  16. I am a complete stranger who was goofy enough to type “things that are orange” into the advanced Google search. I was looking for something to complement white and green, and it so happens that orange is found in the flags of India and Ireland. (Also Niger, why may be a bit of a bummer, but that’s where we find our best evidence that there was once a “green Sahara.”) I landed here and I declare it to be utterly awesome. Sweet potatoes, monarch butterflies, pumpkins, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Grand Canyon, cheddar cheese, tigers, autumn, sunsets — I’m sold! A future civilization owes its color scheme to you. Thank you.

  17. You will actually be able to to discern exactly what shade of orange that is when you arrive. You know…for being such a judgmental bigot 😊. Hope you wear a tire for a necklace and some gasoline underwear 🔥

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