NSFW Sunday: Autostraddle is Not a Trademark Sexual Move, Except When It Is

Hi it’s Sunday. Did you have sex last night. How was it. Welcome to the second week of “NSFW Sunday: Phoning it in Edition,” which is just temporary until it becomes radically more awesome in the near / faraway future.

Many people think “Autostraddle”, the name of this here website, is sexual. When you use the word “straddle” and “lesbian” in the same sentence, everyone’s brain seems to short-circuit, Google Instant-style, and route directly to OMG SEX ITS ABOUT SEX. But it’s not about sex! It comes from a POEM (Robert Frost) and two BLOGS (“the road best straddled” and “autowin”) and a bunch of other things, including ancient Chinese folklore and stories I make up on the spot about where it came from. But it did not come from sex. It is not about sex.

But is autostraddle also a sexual term? Coincidentally, it is! And it has been so since Haviland Stillwell said “are you straddling me? Are you auto-straddling me?” in a vlog filmed in late 2007. Oddly enough, I was not autostraddling her, because The Autostraddle Sexual Move (it is not a position for having sex, just a “move”) requires specific elements which I will now describe.

Autostraddling has been making the rounds in select circles. So it’s time you learn how to do it right, because that’s faster than me writing this post right.

to autostraddle: Person A straddles Person B. Both of Person A’s legs should be outside of both of Person B’s legs. This is not scissoring or tribadism or intertwiny-leg-thing, this is autostraddling.

Not Autostraddling:

This is not autostraddling because only one of Person A’s legs is outside of Person B’s legs.

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Autostraddling is most successful when Person B is sitting on a couch or chair and Person A sits on top of them, like so…

or when Person B is lying on their back and Person A surprise-straddles them, like so…

There is also a variation where Person B is lying on their stomach and Person A autostraddles them on their ass, perhaps to provide an erotic massage of some kind.

The key is that Person A is either resting her weight upon Person B or Person A is supporting herself with her own hands/knees. At no point is Person B completely or evenly receiving the weight of Person A. Also Person B’s ass should be flat on the chair/bed/surface. Like so…

This is Autostraddling:

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This is Not Autostraddling:

This is not an Autostraddle because Person B’s legs are tucked under and Person A’s weight is partially distributed between the bed, her hands, and Person B.

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Kapeesh?

Because The L Word has provided more lesbian sex scenes to our community than any other TV show or movie, it’s an easy point of reference. Couples who enjoy Autostraddling include Carmen De La Pica Morales and Shane McCutcheon. Not only did Carmen and Shane love autostraddling each other, they enjoyed straddling other sexual partners, as demonstrated here in a Carmen-Jenny scene:

The “Too Hot” game, played by Carmen (Person A) and Shane (Person B), is a classic example of successful autostraddling:

Autostraddling in an Elevator, as demonstrated by Bette & Tina:

OKAY HERE

10 Ways to Autostraddle

10. Pre-Sex/Foreplay Straddle

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9. After-Sex “OMG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH” Straddle

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8. I am going to fuck your brains out with a strap-on straddle

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7. Softball Porn Straddle

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6. Street Straddle

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5. Bi-Curious Straddle

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4. Lingerie-Ad Straddle

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3. Just got home from the bar, ready to get naked straddle

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2. Let’s Just Kiss Like This For a While Because I Have to Go Home Soon and Keep Our Clothes on Because Your Parents Might Walk In Straddle

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1. High-Speed Straddle

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In Other News:

We love it when NY Magazine Sex Diaries features a lesbian. This time it’s a “40-year-old writer dealing with a commuting girlfriend” – “Finally I ask her if I can make her come and she says, “I already came while I was going down on you.”

The Globe & Mail wants to know if you’ve ever made a sex tape.

I feel like this is not the first article on this topic, but anyhow: Women Think Their Way to Orgasm, says The Times of India!

Riese is a Jewish lesbian and the 37-year-old CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

Riese has written 2596 articles for us.

46 Comments

  1. So, I was all prepared to yell about this being late, and then i thought these things:
    -It might be late, but we know they’re not pregnant.
    -It’s daylight savings
    – Tea and cookies sound like a great idea.

    AND THEN
    I saw the autostraddling bit. and got excited, because who doesn’t love a good autostraddling.

    that and the queer student union meets in a few minutes, i feel like an autostraddling tutorial is 100% required.

  2. omg. i’m pretty sure i know that blond girl in #4. where is that picture from? i suppose i could just post it on her fb page and say, ‘is this you?’ but i won’t do that. because it might not be her. but i’m pretty sure it is.

  3. This is a very dangerous notion for my girlfriend, as I have fucking dagger hips. Like, literally they will cut you.

    I’m so damn awkward. See I look skinny, but I’m squishy everywhere except for the spots where I am bony as hell. She says I am difficult to cuddle. >=/ So I’m the one who always has to do the straddling, or she gets stabbed.

  4. #7 is from the very hot i love global girls 2011 lesbian calendar put out by Nadia Attura, an AMAZING photographer. I know because I’m the brunette on top 🙂

    ps – My french fiancee is in November’s tango shoot. The couple that plays together…

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