Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t Your Family Said Last Christmas

Every year we host open threads for all major holidays, and consequently sometimes use your comments from those threads to create Listlings Without Commentary, such as 2010′s Sh*t Your Family Said At Thanksgiving 2009 and Sh*t You Drank and Received at Christmas 2009.

This is like that. The quotes on this list were extracted from your comments in which you quoted a family member on the 2010 Christmakwanzakah Open Thread.

Shit Your Family Said Last Christmas:

1. “You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!”

2. “Santa hates smokers!”

3. “Stop looking at the world through lesbian glasses. Almost no one is actually gay.”

4. “What is the next thing you’re gonna be telling us? That you’re a serial killer?”

5. “[these two watches you got as presents this year] are not a subtle hint, please be on time for something between now and next Christmas.”

6. “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!”

7. “One of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…”

8. “Well, if you were a Christian I’d tell you that you were going to hell, but I think it’s too late for that. Just don’t tell your grandparents, they don’t have much time left.”

9. “I don’t think you’re bisexual. I think you’re just trying to be cool.”

10. “So… you met someone on the internet? What’s the site? I want to find a girlfriend, too! Straight people are on there too, right?”

11. “I don’t think they should be lettin’ them gays in the military, or women either… pretty soon they’re all just gonna be wantin that equal opportunity bullshit just like them blacks, and then I’m supposed to be showerin with them.”

12. (Re: Justin Bieber) “Oh look! It’s someone else with your haircut!”

13. “Are you high on wine”

14a. “Jesus Christ you’re lesbos, can’t you just make Santa a woman and celebrate that way!!”
14b. “You know I didn’t mean anything insulting by calling you a lesbo right?”

15. “[The dog's] head smells like Chinese food. I’m serious. Smell it. It smells like goddamn moo goo gai pan.”

16. “Yeah, but they’re kind of lesbian shoes…”

17. “I got Guinness draught so we can get wobbly christmas.”

18. “Well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”

19. (Re: Using the word “bi” in scrabble) “Yeah, it’s the shortened form of [cringe]… bicentennial.”

20. “Why would you do that? Only lesbians and fat people get their hair cut like that!”

21. “Well, I can understand how you can like women like that… I agree that women are fantastic, I can see how you would fall in love with one, and do you know my friend [name]? Well, I really like her… no, I REALLY like her, I wish I got to spend more time with her, and I’m really close to her, moreso than any man I know, so I think I’m like you.”

22. “I love you. It’s okay. Take a breath.”

 

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Riese is the CEO, CFO and Editor-in-Chief of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York City, and now lives in The Bay Area. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are!

Riese has written 1677 articles for us.

115 Comments

  1. Thumb up 1

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    My nan is a very sweet, slightly gone crazy with homophobic tendencies, old lady. God bless her. I turned up to xmas day late- and intoxicated. She looked me dead in the eye and said “i can’t believe you’ve spent the night smoking spliff with middle aged lesbians. And dont think i can’t smell the whisky.” I didn’t know she knew what a spliff was. My uncle laughed. I hit him, he gave me a bottle of champagne. The rest of the days a blur…

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    Recent email from my mom:
    Mom: “Have you seen the episode of 30 Rock where Liz Lemon has a pseudo relationship with the girl who plays Alex Cabot from Law and Order SVU?”
    Me: “Yup”
    Mom: “She’s beautiful *and* she prosecutes child molesters. I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t be willing to have a lesbian relationship with her if it meant they also got to have brunch and go to Ikea with her.”
    Me: “Uh huh…”
    Mom: “I would have done it.”

    So my mom has a crush on Stephanie March.

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    The first time I took my (Jewish) girlfriend home for Christmas and introduced her to my 80+ y/o grandmother, she squinted her tiny, old eyes at her and in her thick-ass southern drawl asked “You ain’t a Republican are ya?” Apparently Jewish + gay =ok. Repub… not so much

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    My grandad two christmases ago- “Be careful when you go back to college, there’s drugs everywhere in that city, and gays-they’re all over the place in Dublin….promise me that you’ll stay away from heroin and gays…” Well, at least I managed to stay away from one of those things.

    My granny last christmas-”I have to fire my housekeeper.” Me: “Why, what did she do?” Her: “She’s been stealing spoons, I have no spoons left!” Me: “I see, and how do you know she’s been stealing them?” Her: “I just know it’s her, who else would it be….she’s foreign you know…” at this point she gave me a knowing nod, as if being foreign is obviously evidence enough that she’s guilty of spoon robbery. We never did catch the ‘Seasonal Spoon Thief of Cork’, she remains at large, so be careful everyone, and lock up your spoons when there’s foreigners about!

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      I stayed with my grandad in Dublin a couple of Christmases ago, I was on my way into town one night and he told me not to go near that place on Georges Street because he’d heard *things* on the radio about that place. Things!!

      I did not tell him that I have also heard things about that place, and that was kind of the point…

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        Ha, brilliant! I can only imagine what “things” he heard! From what they both said im assuming they thought that if you got too close to a gay you would immediately turn into one and start acting unscrupulously…..I didnt have the heart to tell him it was too late on both counts! :) and p.s, I hope you did find your way to George’s street in the end.

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          I did thank you, many times! And on reflection, I’m fairly sure that at least half of the things he heard were true ;)

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          They do indeed Hannah, there’s bingo and then a drag show, and then a club night afterwards, it’s loads of fun! And if it’s gay ladies you’re after id recommend this night called Bitches be Crazy, it’s a bring your own beer night in a disused shop….wall to wall women, it’s savage! It’s on Facebook im pretty sure. :-D

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          Does Kiss still happen? I’m on the other side of the planet these days, but hoping to make it back there soon!

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          Kiss is no more unfortunately, although maybe that’s a good thing in a way as it was such a rough night…only in Kiss could you see a tiny lesbian with no top on try to head butt a bouncer, memories! There’s a few different lesbian nights on instead now so we’re spoilt for choice really, it’s a good time to be gay in Dublin! And sure if you do make it back here by all means send me a message and i’ll let you know what’s happening on the scene at that time no problem! :)

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    me to a family friend: “So is your daughter still living with her girlfriend?”
    family friend: “No, she has a boyfriend now. She grew out of that phase, I’m sure you will too.”

    I decided to be the bigger person and not to mention the copious amounts of showers her daughter and I shared in junior high.

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    I was immediately very concerned about “bi” being used in a Scrabble game as abbreviations are not admissible, however I checked in the official Scrabble dictionary and BI is an acceptable word meaning bisexual (also acceptable: BIS). So everybody can relax.

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    Cousins: “Oh you’re still a lesbian? We thought it was a phase!”

    Mom:” You’re so pretty. You dress like you want a man, why don’t you get a man?”

    Mom: “Your grandma is praying for you to get over this and lit a candle for you at church. She thinks this a phase too.”

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      I am going home for two weeks and bringing the cat as a shield (means I have to stay with my grandparents rather than my parents house). Unfortunately this means my grandparents are coming back with me for a week in order to help me get the cat back up here.

      (I love them desperately but there’s only so much “you’d really like a boyfriend if you got one” I can take)

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    Christmas morning, first one being home from freshman year of college. We’re sitting around in our PJs, eating chocolate and cookies and wrapping paper for breakfast. Out of literally NOWHERE my grandmother (who is ragingly Catholic and handed out anti-gay-marriage flyers awhile ago), turns to me and goes, “So Maggie, is there any special boy in your life?”

    EVERY EYE ON ME. EVERYONE. Because I’m actually STILL not out to her. Stutter stutter stutter “Actually i’m really really busy, grandma”…. hasty subject change….

    SO awful. I hate being forced to hang with family on the holidays

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    Today on the phone my mom tearfully suggested it hadn’t been worth it to raise me for my whole life…
    …because…
    I had gotten a job. Illustrating a story about a lesbian couple who have a child.

    I was going to go to my gay-best-friend-roommate’s family Christmas party, hosted by his lesbian aunts and attended by gay people (I have no gay relatives and not a huge gay support group), but I decided instead to go home earlier, *because I’m so close to my family* and wanted to be with them that extra day or two.

    I am going to need that holiday open thread so badly.

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    Reading this, I realized how easy I have it. My family adores my Mrs., knows what we are to each other, and supports us 100%. They treat us like any other couple in the family. Her family is the same way–both sides are happy to see us happy. :)

    My wish for all of you: let there be peace, love, and innumerable calories for all this ChristmaChanuKwanzaakah!

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      Ditto! … Except my ‘Mrs.’ is a very gender queer male-bodied person. But give all the shit I have gotten from people (‘friends’ no less!!!!) telling me, “He’s a gay guy” and “You clearly go after men who act like women because you don’t want to admit you’re a lesbian!!!”, acceptance for being our trans* selves rocks out loud.
      I hope everyone survives this holiday … And please don’t kill anyone! If you need to, you can swap out yourself for my rude-ass acquaintances!!! I’d be glad to have you guys instead :D

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    You guys! Anyone who wants to come home to a loving, wonderful, pretty chill family can come home with me for the holidays! I feel so privileged for having them, and I wish I could share them with you. But for serious, they would be so happy to meet you.

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    -”So Asher, youuuu got a booooyfriend?”
    -”Uh, no Tia. Kinda too busy for a relationship right now.” *straightens vest , which is a part of a PANTSUIT AND OXFORDS*
    -”You haven’t met anyone?” *sips pink margarita*
    -”Couple, but they already had girlfriends.” *sips bourbon* “I don’t play that game.”
    -”Oh honey you’ll find one! You’re so gorgeous boys’ll be lining up the street when you’re ready.”
    -*Draws eyebrow, fiddles with PINSTRIPED DRESS SHIRT* “Uh huh… yeeeeah.”
    -”Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
    -*runs hand through short bob haircut before adjusting leather cuff on bracelet* “Oh I’m really worried. I get hit on plenty”
    -”Well good for you baby.” *Tia gives a hug, then leaves*
    -*Cousin walks over and slaps her hand on back, whispers loudly* “Oh my GOD, how does she not get the hint? You look about as straight as a unicorn jumping over a rainbow.”
    - *Shrugs* Catholics?

    NEVER AGAIN. We’re out of the goddamn closet this year! YEEEEAAAAAAH.

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    Aunt: “So Brianna… Any new men in your life? I’m sure you get asked out all the time!”
    Me: “Well, no new men but I am dati–”
    Mom: “–BRI DOESN’T HAVE TIME FOR DATES DO YOU BRI?!? SHE’S SO BUSY NO TIME FOR DATES NO NEW RELATIONSHIPS TO TALK ABOUT SO BUSY WITH SCHOOL AND…. SCHOOL.”
    Aunt: “Well that’s a shame. You’re so pretty! I can set you up with *****. He’s grown out of his awkward phase.”
    Mom: “THAT WOULD BE GREAT. PLEASE DO THAT.”
    Me: *grumble mutter grumble damnit mom grumble*

    My family should be on a sitcom.

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    Dad: “You know, we should’ve known all along you were gay…remember that Christmas when we gave you that toy bow and arrow set? And it was your favorite present?”
    Me: “Yeah, I remember.”
    Dad: “We bought it in the little boys’ section of the toystore.”

    Nana: “Your roommate, does she have a boyfriend?”
    Me: “No.” (My ‘roommate’ = my girlfriend of 2 years)
    Nana: “Do *you* have a boyfriend?”
    My mom: “WHO WANTS TO PLAY RUMMIKUB LET’S PLAY RUMMIKUB NANA CAN I GET YOU SOME WINE”

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    I’m wondering how many people choose to come out during the holidays, judging by this list. My sexuality doesn’t really come up with my family. No one teases me about it or cares. Guess the holidays are a bummer for some lesbians.

    Last year we played Apples to Apples and the category was “hot.” Someone put down the card “duct tape” and no one understood. My mom chimed in, giving away that the card was hers: “Tie ‘em to the bed and tell me it’s not hot.” I give my mom points for creativity, but I think my sister is scarred for life by the thought. It took 10 minutes for everyone to absorb what had just occurred before continuing with the game.

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    This conversation actually happened today!

    My 87 year old neighbor (who is like my grandmother) came over today while I was studying for a final and this is how the conversation went…
    Neighbor: When are you going to go out and find a nice young man, get married, and have children? All you do is study all the time.
    Me: I DO NOT want to marry a man and have his children! I’m looking for my Tina!
    Neighbor sighs in horror and says: I don’t know why girls nowadays want to get an education! This is the consequence of that!

    I laughed so hard…apparently college made me gay!

  17. Thumb up 1

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    Ok, so I had a birthday. For my birthday, I got a very cute little ornament of a baker.

    Drunken guest decides it looks “gay”, and proceeds to make remarks regarding “fudge-packing”. I was absolutely mortified.

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    Oh, haha, number six is kind of like the funny version of a knock-down drag-out screaming fight I had with my mom on the day before Christmas, her birthday. She seemed to think that because I wore men’s clothing I wanted to be a man, and I didn’t believe that women could be strong. My response: Um, hello? Have you SEEN my girlfriend? She could snap me like a twig!

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      Oh that’s very interesting. I think my mom has the same feelings re: my fashion/idol choices being men. She’s always reminding me of the strong female celebrities I like, like Joni Mitchell, as if I’ve forgotten that women are cool and confident and amazing too. Um, no I haven’t forgotten. I actually really like women. A lot.

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    my wife came out to her dad the first christmas we were dating (the last one we spent with our individual families)
    FIL (out of nowhere, beer in hand): you know, honey, when you were a baby, I made a special wish that you’d never love any man more than me.
    Wife (three scotches in): really, dad? well, that wish came true! I’ve got a girlfriend. Her name is Isa.
    FIL: you’re shitting me.
    Wife: nope, uncle Dave met her, right Dave?
    Dave: Yeah, she’s pretty cute!

  20. Thumb up 1

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    So far this holiday season I have gotten:
    From Grandparents, the usual: When are you going to get a boyfriend?
    From random cousin: so do you like boys? or are you like Dominique(out gay cousin)?
    From brother: 1) Doesn’t understand why Rick Perry’s campaign ad is offensive and 2)confused look when I suggested that I would probably always keep my last name.
    And my mother who knows I’m gay but just doesn’t understand why I have to dress like “that”.

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    I’ve been out for years but my aunt only recently caught on to it. I had never told her outright due to how many remarks she makes about how “you can’t really know” in high school, usually citing my bi cousin who came out as a lesbian in high school but is now married to a man.

    but this last Christmas she said to me, “you know if you married a man -and- a woman and you all lived together in a one-bedroom apartment I wouldn’t ask questions. it’s all okay.”

  22. Thumb up 1

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    So my parents know I am gay and are totally cool. My problem is they do not understand how their jokes piss me off. They make jokes from my clothes and ask why I don’t just cut my hair while I’m at it. They think it is funny. Oh well I think 6 reminds me of all the arguments I have with my mom especially. Let’s see the boyfriend one comes up with my grandma occasionally (even though she knows). She told me “Prince Harry is still not married..” My mom also got these minature sock monkeys and she got a rainbow one to represent me on the Christmas tree LOL and she put a unicorn in my stocking.

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    I’ve been back in the south with my family for all of 30 minutes, and my grandma has already taken the liberty of giving my cell phone number to this farmer boy that I used to be friends with when I was a kid. Because you know. He’s got an ag degree from OU and a nice spread of land now. All I really want to do is tell her about the amazing 6’2″ desert biologist dyke that I’ve fallen head over heels for in the past week who I just want to get back to Vegas to. And then maybe this farmer boy would stop texting me.

  24. Thumb up 1

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    Also, due to an unfortunate clippers incident, the sides of my head are completely shaved and my mohawk is in the most extreme state it’s ever been. And we are going to a reunion for the white, southern baptist, conservative republican side of the family tomorrow, after having not seen them for several years (way before I cut my hair). This will be interesting.

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        Well, it wasn’t terrible. About half of them seemed kind of oddly excited about my hair and style and the obvious changes that have come with it. The other half were cold, distant, and treated me like I was someone that they might recognize but couldn’t be certain that they knew. It was strange, as these are people that I’ve loved and been close to my entire life, but meh, the majority of them were cool. Drove straight down to Austin the next day to surround myself with wonderful people and healing music and it was pretty fabulous. The desert biologist dyke should be getting her Christmas present/letters in the mail tomorrow, I’d say it’s all going rather swimmingly :)

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    Let’s see. Two years ago boyfriend’s mother informed me 1.) that I would never be happy in a poly relationship. (to her credit she said that because she feels it is “too much work” which okay, at least it’s a practical reason and doesn’t involve Jesus or something) and 2.) yelled at me about being trans. She later followed this up by asking boyfriend if he was really okay with me. Really? Are you sure? Really really? Oh and this year she real name-ed me to the whole family. (she apologized. She’s learning. But my goodness.)

    This year I brought my girlfriend to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving. (I’m poly and have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. The family knows this and usually doesn’t care, but.) Weirdly awkward next to my very heteronormative brother and his girlfriend. One thing I will never understand is why people feel the need to gender all activities (like the waitress going, hello ladies will that be all?) and of course my mother did that all night. (ok let’s get a picture with just girls…!!!) Whhhhhyyyyy. Then I got in trouble for pointing out how annoying that actually is.

    This one is kind of sweet, from my dad: “how do you keep two people happy? I mean, I am just so freakin hetero, I have no idea.” :) God love that crazy Irishman.

    Good thing Mom gets me a nice bottle of booze for Christmas every year, huh?

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    Technically I haven’t even gone home yet because they came up here for an evening before we all go home tomorrow and my mother is already explaining to me how I “can’t have a baby without a husband” and responding to my “yes I can, here’s how” with “no.”

    Um, yes I can. You don’t actually get to tell me what to do at this point.

    This also involved her trying to tell me I wasn’t into women, just scarred by my last boyfriend until I not-quite-screamed “I hate penetration* and always have” in the middle of a street with the kidlet and our Dads only about ten paces behind. Thank god for crowds, explaining what that was about to any of them would have been so embarrasing I’d have died.

    (*her standard for the hetero/homo divide in women)

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    Dad: So, what’s the deal with Mariska Hargitay?
    Me: What?
    Dad: Well, isn’t she sort of a hero of the sisters of Lesbos?

    I died. My dad turns 73 today and he is hilarious when he tries to show me how cool he is with my queerness.

    Dad: I heard something recently that apparently a lot of lesbians play softball.

    He’s in the know. I’m lucky, he’s awesome.

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    Actually the above suck can be crowned by the realisation at two in the morning that I am not done packing because I have to take the pride badges off my backpack and put together a makeup, contact lenses and jewellery bag to wear at home in order to avoid yelling.

    *is contemplating crying*

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    Commenting so I can keep track of the rest of the comments.

    But also, last year I had to endure an hour long conversation with my unsuspecting uncle about how to find and select a good man because I had come to yet another Christmas dinner with no significant other or relationship in sight while ALL my cousins my age were coupled up or married.

    One hour was torturous but I know that were I to ever come out to any of my family members, the conversations would be way worse. Or well, there would be no conversations with me at all. There would be some group praying going on over me though.

    http://SoNotStraight.tumblr.com

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