1. My family thinks Obama hates white people.
2. My Aunt was “offended by [Adam Lambert’s] performance, not because it was two boys, but because he was so aggressively sexual! Sexuality, I’m okay with. Aggressive sexuality is something different!”
3. My grandmother told me she doesn’t like vegetables because they are “sexless”.
4. My Dad asked me when I was going to get a real job. I said I had a real job. He said “Women’s Rights is not a real job.”
5. My uncle told me I need to lose weight. I’m sorry, I can’t. I love beer too much.
6. My grandfather asked if by Adam Lambert we meant Eddie Lampert.
7. My grandmother kept referring to herself in the third person.
8. My mom used the phrase “queer as a 2 dollar bill” in reference to someone she saw on TV.
9. My aunt and I argued over whether or not it is racist to ask if my Kenyan friend uses deodorant, whether or not Lady Gaga is a man, and whether or not a pineapple upside-down cake that’s been in the freezer since September is still edible.
10. My sister, in her “50′s housewife” outfit, told me I need jewelry so that I don’t look like a boy.
11. My uncle babbled about a chain email he couldn’t figure out which proved immediately that I’m too intelligent for my family and OMG I’m too elite for all this you guys.
12. My cousin decided I was a boy. He called me “Andy” the whole time.
13. p.s. My family has no clue who Adam Lambert is even.