Listling Without Commentary: Sh*t Your Family Said Last Christmas

Every year we host open threads for all major holidays, and consequently sometimes use your comments from those threads to create Listlings Without Commentary, such as 2010’s Sh*t Your Family Said At Thanksgiving 2009 and Sh*t You Drank and Received at Christmas 2009.

This is like that. The quotes on this list were extracted from your comments in which you quoted a family member on the 2010 Christmakwanzakah Open Thread.

Shit Your Family Said Last Christmas:

1. “You know, after your sister I was totally prepared to have a girl or a boy, but never a girl who acted like a boy!”

2. “Santa hates smokers!”

3. “Stop looking at the world through lesbian glasses. Almost no one is actually gay.”

4. “What is the next thing you’re gonna be telling us? That you’re a serial killer?”

5. “[these two watches you got as presents this year] are not a subtle hint, please be on time for something between now and next Christmas.”

6. “DO YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A BOY!? HELP ME UNDERSTAND!”

7. “One of the things that Hitler said in Mein Kampf that I really agreed with was…”

8. “Well, if you were a Christian I’d tell you that you were going to hell, but I think it’s too late for that. Just don’t tell your grandparents, they don’t have much time left.”

9. “I don’t think you’re bisexual. I think you’re just trying to be cool.”

10. “So… you met someone on the internet? What’s the site? I want to find a girlfriend, too! Straight people are on there too, right?”

11. “I don’t think they should be lettin’ them gays in the military, or women either… pretty soon they’re all just gonna be wantin that equal opportunity bullshit just like them blacks, and then I’m supposed to be showerin with them.”

12. (Re: Justin Bieber) “Oh look! It’s someone else with your haircut!”

13. “Are you high on wine”

14a. “Jesus Christ you’re lesbos, can’t you just make Santa a woman and celebrate that way!!”
14b. “You know I didn’t mean anything insulting by calling you a lesbo right?”

15. “[The dog’s] head smells like Chinese food. I’m serious. Smell it. It smells like goddamn moo goo gai pan.”

16. “Yeah, but they’re kind of lesbian shoes…”

17. “I got Guinness draught so we can get wobbly christmas.”

18. “Well, it’s only chicken stock in the soup, that’s not actual meat”

19. (Re: Using the word “bi” in scrabble) “Yeah, it’s the shortened form of [cringe]… bicentennial.”

20. “Why would you do that? Only lesbians and fat people get their hair cut like that!”

21. “Well, I can understand how you can like women like that… I agree that women are fantastic, I can see how you would fall in love with one, and do you know my friend [name]? Well, I really like her… no, I REALLY like her, I wish I got to spend more time with her, and I’m really close to her, moreso than any man I know, so I think I’m like you.”

22. “I love you. It’s okay. Take a breath.”

Riese is the 38-year-old Co-Founder and CEO of Autostraddle.com as well as an award-winning writer, blogger, fictionist, copywriter, video-maker, low-key Jewish power lesbian and aspiring cyber-performance artist who grew up in Michigan, lost her mind in New York and then headed West. Her work has appeared in nine books including "The Bigger the Better The Tighter The Sweater: 21 Funny Women on Beauty, Body Image & Other Hazards Of Being Female," magazines including Marie Claire and Curve, and all over the web including Nylon, Queerty, Nerve, Bitch, Emily Books and Jezebel. She had a very popular personal blog once upon a time, and then she recapped The L Word, and then she had the idea to make this place, and now here we all are! In 2016, she was nominated for a GLAAD Award for Outstanding Digital Journalism. Follow her on twitter and instagram.

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104 Comments

  1. I’ve been back in the south with my family for all of 30 minutes, and my grandma has already taken the liberty of giving my cell phone number to this farmer boy that I used to be friends with when I was a kid. Because you know. He’s got an ag degree from OU and a nice spread of land now. All I really want to do is tell her about the amazing 6’2″ desert biologist dyke that I’ve fallen head over heels for in the past week who I just want to get back to Vegas to. And then maybe this farmer boy would stop texting me.

  2. Also, due to an unfortunate clippers incident, the sides of my head are completely shaved and my mohawk is in the most extreme state it’s ever been. And we are going to a reunion for the white, southern baptist, conservative republican side of the family tomorrow, after having not seen them for several years (way before I cut my hair). This will be interesting.

      • Well, it wasn’t terrible. About half of them seemed kind of oddly excited about my hair and style and the obvious changes that have come with it. The other half were cold, distant, and treated me like I was someone that they might recognize but couldn’t be certain that they knew. It was strange, as these are people that I’ve loved and been close to my entire life, but meh, the majority of them were cool. Drove straight down to Austin the next day to surround myself with wonderful people and healing music and it was pretty fabulous. The desert biologist dyke should be getting her Christmas present/letters in the mail tomorrow, I’d say it’s all going rather swimmingly :)

  3. Let’s see. Two years ago boyfriend’s mother informed me 1.) that I would never be happy in a poly relationship. (to her credit she said that because she feels it is “too much work” which okay, at least it’s a practical reason and doesn’t involve Jesus or something) and 2.) yelled at me about being trans. She later followed this up by asking boyfriend if he was really okay with me. Really? Are you sure? Really really? Oh and this year she real name-ed me to the whole family. (she apologized. She’s learning. But my goodness.)

    This year I brought my girlfriend to my mother’s house for Thanksgiving. (I’m poly and have a boyfriend and a girlfriend. The family knows this and usually doesn’t care, but.) Weirdly awkward next to my very heteronormative brother and his girlfriend. One thing I will never understand is why people feel the need to gender all activities (like the waitress going, hello ladies will that be all?) and of course my mother did that all night. (ok let’s get a picture with just girls…!!!) Whhhhhyyyyy. Then I got in trouble for pointing out how annoying that actually is.

    This one is kind of sweet, from my dad: “how do you keep two people happy? I mean, I am just so freakin hetero, I have no idea.” :) God love that crazy Irishman.

    Good thing Mom gets me a nice bottle of booze for Christmas every year, huh?

  4. Dad: So, what’s the deal with Mariska Hargitay?
    Me: What?
    Dad: Well, isn’t she sort of a hero of the sisters of Lesbos?

    I died. My dad turns 73 today and he is hilarious when he tries to show me how cool he is with my queerness.

    Dad: I heard something recently that apparently a lot of lesbians play softball.

    He’s in the know. I’m lucky, he’s awesome.

  5. Commenting so I can keep track of the rest of the comments.

    But also, last year I had to endure an hour long conversation with my unsuspecting uncle about how to find and select a good man because I had come to yet another Christmas dinner with no significant other or relationship in sight while ALL my cousins my age were coupled up or married.

    One hour was torturous but I know that were I to ever come out to any of my family members, the conversations would be way worse. Or well, there would be no conversations with me at all. There would be some group praying going on over me though.

    http://SoNotStraight.tumblr.com

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