Statements of extreme, borderline “troublesome” drinking and the gifts you received/gave anyhow, plucked from last year’s Christmukkahawanzaah Open Thread. Were you there? Did you comment? This Bud’s for you. Also, get excited because this year’s Christmukkah Open Thread is right around the corner…
1. Nothing says “Happy Birthday Jesus” like a case of Miller Lite.
2. I started drinking at 6:30 AM in the shower. The day has gone downhill from there.
3. I’ve smuggled some Bundy and Baileys into the country ’cause I’m locked in the house til Monday as the fam “desperately needs to reconnect…or connect rather.”
4. Dad: “Here, have a Christmas beer. We’re gonna need it.”
5. All I want to do is cry in the shower and drink spiked fruit punch.
6. My Dad poured two fingers of Maker’s into a tumbler and handed it to me. And I was like, “DAD. It is 1:30 in the afternoon. I need ICE WITH THIS.”
7. My parents got me a Dwight-From-The-Office Bobble Head… and oddly enough it’s the present that has kept me the most entertained tonight.
8. My whiskey is in a jar because that’s the only glass in the house because my parents just drink out of these giant enormous plastic cups like we’re at 7-Eleven but without all the waste of paper cups.
9. When i was 15 I got flavoured vodka shots in my stocking. And flashing shot glasses.
10. I hope my grandmother likes Twilight ’cause she’s getting all the books.
11. I’m starting off with my Bailey’s and hot chocolate and not looking back.
12. Anyone who can turn water into wine is invited to my next party.
13. I am currently playing ‘War on Terror – the Board game’ with my siblings, which is what my mother gave me this Christmas, yay. It has an ‘axis of evil’ spinner and my little sister is wearing the ‘evil’ balaclava atm as she is being a terrorist this turn.
14. I think I still have some vodka hidden in my room from when I was 15.
15. Beer pong with the festive Solo Cups would be better than church.
16. We also have a magnum of champagne to make it easier to swallow that we all have holiday pajamas on.
17. I got a box of Nicorette gum from my mother.
18. My mom told me my little second cousin got a Barbie four-wheeler, a Barbie scooter, AND a Barbie bike and my sole response was: “I don’t support Barbie.” Besides, where is this little girl going? She’s got enough transportation for the whole dyke march worth of dykes.
19. I asked Santa for Mariska Hargitay for Christmas but instead I got a book called “Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.”
20. I would like the equivalent of an auto-purple heart for living through my uncle picking me up at the Cincinnati airport tweaked out on meth and driving me to central Kentucky in the rain OMG DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN? Yes. Yes it did.
Make sure you join us again this year at your drunkest and merriest!