This week’s Autostraddle Roundtable is a little less debate and a little more fantasy. Ostensibly we’re reacting to this somewhat bizarre Parentdish survey currently making the world wide webrounds which found that Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi are the celebs you’d trust your kids with most. We thought it’d be funny to think about who we’d want for our two celebrity Moms, if we could choose. It’s totes not about the marriage between the women, but about the gifts potentially bestowed upon us from each lady. Not everyone on the team understood the rules, but that’s okay because we’re No Rules, Just Right, obvs! Who would you pick? Let us know!
I always wanted one of those detached hippie Moms from books & teevee, the kind of Moms who’d turn a blind eye as their innocent daughters became alcoholics and hosted wild parties in the basement with drugs. My Mom said I was lucky to have her as my mother because instead of letting me run wild in fields of poppies with opium in my hair, she kept vigilant watch over my whereabouts and didn’t even let me shut my door. So my 13-year-old self probs would’ve chosen Moon Unit Zappa’s parental units, but now I’m more interested in someone who will love and nurture me.
Clearly—and I’m not just saying this ‘cause she’s gay—Kelli O’Donnell is the best Mom ever. She’s on top of her shit, looks cute even in polos and khaki shorts, and can organize an outing like nobody’s business. Since Green took her wife Rosie for herself, I will choose Jennifer Beals for my Other Mother. I’ve recently exhorted the supreme qualities of Jennifer Beals—she is perfect. Furthermore, she’s artistic and enjoys running around. Also I want to honk the horn!
I’d like one of my gay moms to be Kate Clinton. She’s hilarious and I love her.
One time a friend of mine told me about this dream she had where my mom was Madonna. I like that idea. And although Madonna isn’t a lesbian necessarily, she’s pretty gay. So I guess maybe my other mom could be Madonna. Plus, if its true that you end up looking like your mom, count me the f@#$#k in.
If I was 15, I’d say Ellen and Portia. But Portia is pretty hot, so I think that’d get weird.
Lucille Ball, cause she’s my hero – what else can I say? (Obviously by ‘Lucille Ball’ I mean Lucy Ricardo.) I could learn a lot of valuable lessons from this woman, like how to push people’s buttons or trick people into doing things only I want to do.
If Queen Latifah were my other mom, I’d imagine her being all ‘Matron Mama Morton’ from Chicago on me. I don’t know, I like the idea of Latifah breaking out into song and dance at the drop of a hat (…or a Taye Diggs introduction.) Also, this would make me half black.
My choice of mothers? Hmmmm. Tricky, tricky. I think I will go with Liz Lemon and Claire Huxtable. I love Liz because she loves cheese and knows that – more often than not – life is a big ball of blergh. She also went to the container store to make her life wonderful; I would do that (I DO do that). Claire was a kick ass lawyer, an icon of serenity, elegance, silliness and strength. I used to pretend I was Theo. Claire and Tina are both sassy and witty and tough…also warm and there-for-you-when-you-need-them-to-be types. Both ladies keep it real; they are 3 dimensional, full women. Feminists in the fullest sense. Enough said.
I’d pick Jane Lynch and Chrissie Hynde. I think both women are amazing, I have a lot of respect for them and feel like I’d learn a thing or two if I was their daughter. I think Chrissie would bring the crazy / dysfunction that I am accustomed to, while the Lynch would keep everyone in check, she sort of gives off a motherly vibe. Plus, as a couple I think they’d be totally endearing.
This topic made me weirdly sad, because I really just want my own mother. However, after thinking it through, I decided I’d want Julia Sugarbaker and Rosie O’Donnell. See, Julia would teach me how to be a proper Southern Lady who doesn’t take crap from anyone, wins at everything and knows how to buy shoes. And Mama Ro would give me big hugs and let me paint the dining room chairs on a Tuesday night. I’m not so sure they’d make a very good couple [and it pains me to separate Rosie from Kelly], but, without my own mom, these are the women I’d need to survive.
OK truthfully, I wouldn’t want any mother other than the one I was born to, who is a total inspiration to me every day (hi Mom!). Howevs, my mom won a free vacation to the Dominican Republic and is gone this Mothers’ Day, which frees me of all daughterly responsibility! If I had to choose two gay moms… well, I gave it a lot of thought, and I’m gonna go with an already established team – Kate Pierson and Cindy Wilson from the B-52’s. I seriously can’t imagine a better creative environment to grow up in, and I love that they’re still rocking after all these years! I would probs be BORN with awesome hair and makeup, and I really like the idea that Fred Schneider would be my gay dad.
I have to be honest here, I think the only mom I’d ever want is my own mom. She’s really amazing and wonderful and the best mom a girl like me could ask for (she even reads this site! Hi Mom!). That being said, my fake lesbo moms would have to possess a unique combination of femininity and masculinity, so to that end I am obviously the love child of RuPaul and Jane Lynch (sorry Crystal, I tried to think of someone else but she’s too perfect).