How to Have Strap-On Lesbian Sex

You’ve got your harness. You’ve got a dildo to use with it. You’ve got an enthusiastic partner or two. So how do you actually have strap-on sex?

Hang Out in the Harness

Like any fashion risk, the best place to first try out a new harness is hanging out in your own space alone. If your harness has straps, put it on and take it off a few times until you know how everything works and have all the buckles adjusted to your body. (Do this with the dildo attached, too — you might find you like the base of the dildo to sit lower or higher against your body, and the only way for sure is to try it in a few different positions.) If your harness is underwear-style, figure out the best way to attach the dildo — can you do it while wearing the harness, or only when you take it off? (Make sure the curve is pointing up.)

Then, just hang out in it. If you plan to pack — to wear the harness with a dildo under your clothes — you’ll eventually want to figure out what clothes work best for that, but don’t do that yet. Wear it around the house. Do laundry in it. Let it flop around, wild and silicone and free, until it feels like part of your body.

If you’ve never worn a strap-on before, you might feel weird about your gender or sexuality or body or the impulse decisions that led you to this moment in your life. You might not feel weird at all. Either is totally okay!

Start by Having Sex With Yourself

If you haven’t masturbated with just the dildo, trying it inside yourself without a harness before you try it inside of someone else with one is a good way to get a sense of how big it is and what it feels like, and to get over any mental hangups you might have about penetration with it before trying it with a partner. But you should also try masturbating with the strap-on strapped on. It’s a good way to get a sense of how it will feel against you, how you’ll feel wearing it during sex, and what kinds of sensations might feel better to you. Obviously you’re not going to feel every touch against the strap-on like it’s against your own skin, but you can experiment with angles — lower or higher or more direct or more indirect? — and vibration — is a vibrator held against the shaft or base too intense or not intense enough? — in a way that’s harder with a partner.

Warm Up Together

When it’s time to have strap-on sex with a partner, make sure to warm up. After your usual foreplay, put on a glove, grab some lube, and fuck with your hands for a few fingers. When you’re using enough fingers to about equal the diameter of the dildo, you’re ready to actually use the strap-on; apply lube to the tip of the dildo and down the shaft, use your hands (or hers) to position it, and slowly slide in. If you’re used to feeling everything that’s happening during sex via your own body, you might feel a little lost right now, but paying attention to your partner’s body and responses will help. Even if you used fingers first, it might take a moment or two to actually get the dildo all the way in, and that’s totally okay! Just keep using lube and going slow. Eventually you’ll be able to thrust a little deeper and with more of a rhythm.

Try Different Positions

One of the best parts of strap-on sex is also the most exhausting: you’re having sex with your full bodies, so your full bodies are going to get tired. Fucking in the exact same position uses all the same muscles for thrusting and for bracing yourselves during it, so switching it up — in addition to being a great time — can make sex feel better for everyone for longer. Try a mix of positions, alternating between whether the wearer or receiver is doing more of the movement. For example, if the receiver is bent over something with the wearer fucking her from behind, switch to the receiver riding the wearer, or to a strap-on blow job for a break. Also remember that even though one person is attached to the strap-on and one person isn’t, you’re both fucking with it, so make adjustments in different positions accordingly. For example, if the receiver is on her back with her legs spread, putting a pillow or sex wedge under her hips can support her lower back and make it easier to thrust.

Pro tip: If you’re fucking in any position from behind, you can turn the dildo 180 degrees so the curve goes down, which will hit a g-spot in vaginal sex and hit a p-spot in anal sex if your partner has a prostate.

Use Your Hands

Just because your hands aren’t your primary sex tool during strap-on sex doesn’t mean you should forget about them. One of the best parts about strap-on sex is that the strap-on is doing the work of penetration, leaving your hands free to go pretty much anywhere. Use them to get into different positions. Use them for consensual mid-sex BDSM. Use them all over your activity partner’s body, obviously. Use them on your partner’s genitals, use them on your own. Try holding the base of your strap-on for more support, especially in underwear-style harnesses or with bigger dildos; this can also let you more precisely control the depth of penetration and the angle. Try holding a vibrator against your activity partner or the base of your dildo or both (definitely both).

Don’t Worry If Something Goes Wrong

Things that might happen when you wear a strap-on during lesbian sex:

  • The harness might unbuckle
  • The dildo might unbuckle
  • The dildo might fall out mid-sex. Repeatedly.
  • You might not be able to fit a vibrator (or fingers!) between your bodies
  • You might run out of lube
  • You might get so much lube everywhere that the entire bed is one big wet spot
  • You might come from the physical sensation of the base against you plus the psychological elements of fucking someone. Or just from the physical base against you. Or just from the psychological elements of fucking someone.
  • You might not come at all
  • You might get sore from the physical sensation of the base against you
  • Your partner might come
  • Your partner might not come
  • You might get tired from thrusting
  • You might get dehydrated
  • You might get muscle cramps
  • You might have to stop for a break partway through
  • You might fuck with the strap-on for five minutes
  • You might fuck with the strap-on for five hours
  • You might have the best sex of your life
  • You might have some of the most awkward sex of your life
  • You might feel indifferent

All of these things are totally normal and okay! No one is perfect at strap-on sex the first time or every time; like trying anything new in bed, it takes time to get comfortable, get out of your head, and find a rhythm. Once you do get more comfortable, you’ll realize that a strap-on is just another tool in the box (sorry not sorry) — it’s a great addition to lesbian sex, and it can be as big or as small a part of your sex life as you want it to be.


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Carolyn Yates is the NSFW Consultant, and was formerly the NSFW Editor (2013–2018) and Literary Editor, for Autostraddle.com. Her writing has appeared in Nylon, Refinery29, The Toast, Bitch, Xtra!, Jezebel, and elsewhere. She recently moved to Los Angeles from Montreal. Find her on twitter.

Carolyn has written 883 articles for us.

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