Hey did you hear the one about the girl who did the other girl with the strap-on? Well, you’re about to! Don’t worry it’s not like porn or anything. It’s more like a series of one-act plays composed by precocious junior high students who’d overdosed on Skins and didn’t dislike the “Who Killed Jenny” storyline, and sometimes wish they were as good looking as any of the Humphreys from Gossip Girl.
Haggadahs! Broken glass! Fucking! Screaming! Wrestling! Yelling! Drinking! Hospitals! Exes! Lighting! Long walks on the beach! Psychics! WHAT THE FUCKING FRACK?
After viewing The Real L Word on Sunday night, I submitted myself to intellectual recovery-from-shock therapy: a handful of old Six Feet Under clips, half of Eileen Myles’ poetry book Not Me. I read over my review of Emily Gould’s And the Heart Says Whatever, and thought about how I’d rather finish writing that than write this. But alas. I did this. For you.
For that sacrifice, you all owe Autostraddle money:
This week I watched with Laneia and Jess. Carly emailed me some of her commentary which I’ve added here and there. Eagle eyes. Did you read our interview with Carlytron about how reality tv works and is edited? It’s seriously fascinating w/r/t #thisfuckingshow.
Anyhow aren’t you so excited! YOU GUYS IT’S GIRLS WHO LIKE GIRLS ON THE TEEVEE! GRAB YOUR GIRLFRIEND, LICK HER FACE, LESBIANS ON THE TV DON’T YOU LIKE IT
Time for another round of everybody’s favorite party game, “questions that confuse Jill, make Tracy laugh uncomfortably and cover topics on which Whitney and Rose are invariably experts.”
Today’s Question: “Do you Use Sex Toys / Have You Been to a Sex Shop? HEY PRETTY LADY HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT STRAP-ONS?”
Whitney basically lists every sex toy she’s ever heard of: “strap-ons, dildos, vibrators, anal beads if you wanna get freaky with it.” Oh also, she “likes strap-on sex. Giving it.”
Riese: Hey, they’re talking about strap-on sex! I wonder if anyone’s gonna use a strap-on in this episode!
Laneia: HMMM I WONDARRR
Mikey says, “there’s some great contraptions, some swings, slings and things.” This is how we feel about being in a “contraption” with Mikey:
Mikey offers some practical advice for the first time in the history of Mikey:
Mikey: “I would not suggest putting a strap-on in a dishwasher. You throw everything away and you start over again. You really wanna get committed and stay in one relationship, because it’s super-expensive to change girlfriends. At least on my end.”
Laneia: Mikey just made a good point.
Riese: It’s true, it is expensive to buy a new strap-on for each new relationship, especially if someone took too much ambien and somehow got permanent marker on yours.
Nikki has a drawer. You know. A Drawer. A drawer of “things.” We’ve compensated for her lack of elaboration with this doodle:
Let’s begin! We get off to a running start with Mikey and her interns in the office! Fascinating!
2 busy 4 haircut (me 2)
Mikey is SUPER busy at work. I wonder why. Kelka Pride? Apocalypse 2012? Rodeo Disco? Oil Spill? Anthrax? Degrassi Boiling Points Marathon?
Oh something’s around the corner.
What is it? Just guess. COME ON I give you like five guesses okay four. Okay ONE GUESS WHAT IT IS.
Mikey talks so loud in this episode that I’m almost distracted from my usual focus, which is her alternative lifestyle bouffant.
Do You Know What This Shamrock Means? Do YOU?!!! LUCK. IT MEANS I’M GETTING LUCKY TODAY, DON’T PRESS IT
Mikey repeats her weekly recitation, adding some frustration regarding hangers, a phone call, and an “RSVP” list bada bing bada boom next scene please.
Mikey: “THE SEATING CHART AND THE RSVP LIST ARE THE TWO MOST IMPORTANT THINGS FOR THE DESIGNERS as well as the other people who are …” [etc]
Mikey Loves All Caps
Laneia: THIS RSVP LIST IS JUST SO BIG! BIGGER THAN MY DICK EVEN!
Riese: IT’S BIG LIKE MY PENIS! OR MY STRAP-ON!
Mikey is in a panic, as these fascinating tasks won’t do themselves. Who’s Your Daddy indeed.
Laneia: Mikey, honey, it’s just not that hard to put together a list. I did it.
Riese: We all have jobs. We do work. At least you’re getting paid to do yours.
Laneia: We did it for Rodeo Disco 2. No prob.
It’s Passover time! This is a big deal as it honors Moses leading the enslaved Jews out of Egypt and into the land of milk and honey I MEAN BECAUSE IT’S NIKKI & JILL’S FIRST SEDER AS AN ENGAGED COUPLE AND G-D WILL NEVER LET MY PEOPLE GO IF THE HOUSE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE POTTERY BARN.
Designer Dan, seemingly teleported from a campy/canceled Bravo reality show, has been summoned to prepare the home for holiness, a.k.a. turn his father’s house into a marketplace.
[Sidenote: Passover was March 29th -> April 6th this year, overlapping with Dinah Shore, which we’ll visit in The Real L Word‘s finale. Fashion Week was March 20 and Mikey’s story this ep happens two weeks pre-Fashion Week. Just FYI!]
Designer Dan: I came here already deciding what pieces we should keep and what pieces we should be ready to update —
Nikki: Let’s just talk — we discussed the dining room table.
Designer Dan: It’s a great card table. It’s not a dining room table.
Nikki: Okay, that’s why we called you.
As it was written in the Torah, if your dining room table looks like a card table, then ELIJAH WILL NOT COME. Dan registers a few more complaints about the decor: their curtain rod looks like “a fucking hospital suite,” the paint is “mud on the walls,” the curtains are “old schmatta rags,” and “we DO need a new rug… we DO,” and there are children starving all over the world who need your help! Oh I made up that last part, but it’s true and Nikki can hardly believe it either:
Nikki wants Passover to be OFF THE CHAIN because G-d said “Thou shalt host Passover Seder and it shall be off the chain.” Preach it, Jill —
Jill: “These are the nicest walls and the nicest rug I’ve ever owned, so GO FIGURE.”
But the worst part of this shabby shack of sin? The lighting.
Nikki: “I need a chandelier in here. That’s what I absolutely need.”
Designer Dan: “You absolutely have to have a chandelier here, it’s gonna make the room a little more intimate, it’s gonna bring the volume down a little bit.”
Jill never learned this commandment, obviously:
Riese: I’m always so confused during the Jill/Nikki scenes ’cause I honestly — like I’m not being fresh — cannot locate the source of the conflict and have trouble following what’s happening. Like what’s the problem here exactly?
Laneia: Riese, lighting. Their problem is lighting.
Riese: Because like, I have never thought about this stuff EVER. Do we have a lightbulb in the house? y/n? N? Who has cash, do I have pants on —
Laneia: My problem is health insurance. FYI.
Riese: Mine is that I think T-Mobile shut off my phone. And I deserve it.
It’s Okay You Can Do Whatever You Want With YOUR Eyebrows, I Just Keep My Own How I Like It
Rose’s grandmother is maybe sick and was given medication but won’t take it because it makes her sleepy. Anyway let’s talk — but not REALLY TALK — about the Rose/Mom flamewar, b/c it’s making Rose’s grandmother sick.
Laneia: I need Grandma to hug me. Now. RIGHT NOW
Riese: Me too. But also ROSE TELL US ABOUT YOUR FUCKING MOM RIGHT NOW OR I STAB YOU IN THE EYE
Laneia: I can’t talk, I love Grandma too much, I need a hug.
Wants to Hug Laneia
Rose is pissed that Mom is calling Angel, which may/may not be why Mom and Rose aren’t talking. Why does Mom need to call Angel, Angel has twitter, this Akita Evita will not shut up and I believe if she tweets nonstop..
Rose will consider making up with her Mom for Grandma’s sake.
Laneia: I can’t believe she missed the chance to say “drama w/ my mama.”
Now Say After Me: Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board
It’s time for Tracy’s first reading ever! With Stamie’s psychic named ROBIN ALEXIS. Robin ALEXIS is two lesbian names smashed together with an “IS” tagged on.
Tracy is “skeptical” about Robolex, but admits Robolex has predicted Stamie’s future WAY early. Like Robolex predicted an upcoming change, and then change happened.
To perform the reading, RobinAlexis does a mashup combining the following: Natalie Portman’s manic pixie dance in Garden State, The Exorcist (later recalled by Tracy), Shark Week, Dolphin Sounds, the noise of children playing/crying in the back area of a Mormon Church service, Jenny’s mime/circus hallucinations, and Bette Midler’s “Oh Industry” from Beaches.
This is when I discovered closed captioning on my DVD player. The world hasn’t been the same since:
I’m jealous of Jodi, watching TV with closed captions is way better. I thought Miss Cleo was just making bullshit noises, but there’s phonics involved somewhere:
Tracy: I was expecting for her head to start spinning and for green shit to spew out of her mouth. Like this is too much, get outta here, no way.
Stamie knows the drill:
Whoosh I’m Gonna Grab Your Boobs
Tracy’s Mom is distracting Robinalexa’s energy. Tracy needs to “feel safe being her authentic self.” Which I think is more or less what we’re all struggling with, every day, ain’t it?
Carly: The lady doing Tracy’s reading belongs in a Christopher Guest movie. Is this for real?
Tracy’s Mom needs “consistent spiritual nurturing,” also should acquire this nurturing within the next five months or else the terrorists win/Showtime can’t film it.
It freaks Tracy out because it’s what she needs to hear: someone possibly insane telling you that you MUST do what your heart already wants to do. It’s that little extra nudge. Can you feel it? It feels like a strap-on nudging at your butthole, but lovingly. Also who can’t relate to feeling that their Mom needs “spiritual help” ? Even if your Mom is dead, still.
I See Those Bananas, What You Did There
This is a HUGE weekend for Whitney’s hair! Paintball is TOMORROW and their first annual WHITE TRASH POOL PARTY is like the next day! Omg how will they do it all I hope somebody’s making a list!
Laneia: This is so dull. Are they making it dull so the strap-on sex will be DYNAMIC.
Riese: Yes, it’ll wake us up like a good dildo poke.
HEY SPEAKING OF.
Whitney: “Tomorrow, I’m packing. When you lose, you’re getting it. I’m gonna strap it on. And the loser gets it.”
Tor: “I don’t care, I’m kicking your ass tomorrow. And then you’re gonna take it like a bitch. I’m gonna be doing the fucking around here. Let me tell ya.”
Whitney: “You are? You wanna top me?”
Whitney: “No you don’t.”
Riese: Tops and bottoms. so fascinating and untrodden.
Laneia: I just fell asleep and while I was asleep I went back to men.
Riese: I’ve just gone asexual chic.
But what will Whitney wear to paintball? She has no layers, only “stuff that looks good” which is debatable.
Laneia: SHE HAS NO LAYERS. She is unlike an onion. Or Shrek.
Riese: Tor is storing the puppy in her shirt.
Whitney: “Tor and I have been trying to work out our relationship, we’ve obviously hooked up before, not lately, but obviously we have a lot of tension that needs to be worked out.”
Standing Just Outside of What Your Pride Will Allow
Carly: Robin from the other room: “Whoever wins gets to WHAT?!” Robin is ashamed of the Real L Word and refuses to watch, making her much smarter than the rest of us.